Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica: Welcome to the podcast. I'm very excited to do your reading. What would you like a reading about today?

Guest: Okay. So I'm going to do a quick little synopsis. I'm turning 27 next week. I've been going to therapy since 20, working through trauma, just processing, trying to be my best self. I'm at a peaceful time in my life. I have the career I wanted. Things are aligning. But self-harm and negative ego is coming to the surface, and I'm working on that in therapy and connecting self-harm to codependency and knowing how to cope with it because it's like, why am I still doing that behavior when I'm at the most peaceful time of my life? So it's kind of frustrating. I'm angry at myself at times. It's kind of disorientating sometimes trying to know what's my intuition and what's my fixation, in a sense.

And also, a lot of this stuff is normalized. A lot of codependency is in every song. So I'm just trying to figure out how to be on the right path. I feel like this conversation is not often. Especially being a Brown girl myself, a Black girl myself, I don't see this conversation anywhere. And I really want to get rid of this self-belief deep down that believes I deserve this treatment still.

Jessica: Okay. I love a lot of what you're saying, and also, you're speaking your chart so perfectly. So we have so much to say. But before we begin, I'm going to do two things. I'm going to share your birth date, November 16, 1995, 7:30 p.m., in Coral Springs, Florida. And the other thing is you referenced self-harm. That is in a large bucket. Tell me what you mean when you say self-harm.

Guest: What I mean by self-harm, I mean the codependency, not setting up boundaries, not taking accountability. I'm not listening to his red flags, just getting really stuck on the fixation of the "the one."

Jessica: We're talking about romance. We're talking about romance and sex.

Guest: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. That's good to know. Associated with that, a couple questions. When you date, what's the genders you date?

Guest: I'm heterosexual. I date men.

Jessica: My condolences. I'm so sorry.

Guest: I know. I know.

Jessica: I'm so sorry.

Guest: I hate it myself.

Jessica: You're like, "It's really rough." Especially now that the internet lets us know that everyone knows it's rough, it's real rough.

Guest: I'm just always like, "What's wrong with me?" But, you know, [indiscernible 00:02:47].

Jessica: Okay. We got a lot to talk about there. And drugs, alcohol⁠—where are you at with that?

Guest: So, social drinking on the weekends, yes. And I do participate in marijuana.

Jessica: Okay.

Guest: And shrooms just randomly on occasion.

Jessica: Great. How about weed or drinking in relationship to dating or hooking up? Is there a relationship there?

Guest: Oh yeah.

Jessica: Yeah.

Guest: Yeah. No, I will say I struggle with that vulnerability. I really would say that. I've been trying to be present lately with dating and that.

Jessica: Let me start here. You used this term, intuition versus fixation, which⁠⁠—chef's kiss. Thank you for that. It's a perfect way of framing what I see that you struggle with, and so many people with a lot of Scorpio, strong Pluto, or a lot of eighth-house placements⁠—by the way, you have all of that⁠. You've probably heard me say your strongest feeling is not inherently your wisest feeling. But if you're an intuitive person, your strongest feeling is sometimes your intuition and sometimes your codependency or your tendency to go towards what's most familiar instead of what's healthiest.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. We're going to break down all of that in your chart. I want to also acknowledge that you are a really spiritual person who's also really⁠—I don't know if a literalist is the right way of putting it, but you're a pragmatist and you're also a spiritual person. You're both.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So I feel like some truths contradict your other truths, and that's just being a human. That's just being an interesting human, right? So I want to get ahead of that because I'm going to contradict myself in a minute. And when I pulled up your chart, I saw immediately that love and intimacy is your shit. It's like the stuff that's hard for you.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: We can and will talk about this in relationship to men and dating and all that kind of stuff. But I want to kind of start with this foundation of you that has nothing to do with men and it has to do with⁠—okay. Just to share my process with you, part of me just wants to tell you straightforward, and part of me wants to walk you through the astrology of how I see it and why I see it, because you have a sixth-house stellium. You have, actually, six planets in your sixth house, and that can sometimes make a person really want to⁠—"How did you see that? Where did you get that?"

So let me start with this. I'm not starting with your sixth-house stellium. I'm not starting with the fact that your Sun is in Scorpio and Pluto is sitting on top of your Sun, which⁠—I could just talk to you about those things for the next three hours. But I'm going to start instead with your Moon in Virgo is at the bottom of your birth chart, and Saturn in Pisces is at the top, and they're opposite each other. And you have Saturn conjunct the Midheaven, so the Moon is also opposite your Midheaven.

This is actually such a foundational aspect in your birth chart that I think it's the place we need to begin because you are deeply emotional. You have a service-oriented way of loving. I have mixed feelings about the term "love language," but it is your love language. It's⁠—you want to take care of people. You want to show up with actions as a way to show how you feel.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: That's healthy and good for you. But also, you've got Saturn at the top of your chart opposing your Moon. And so, in English, what this means is that you don't have innate confidence in your right to exist and to receive and even to give love.

Guest: Yes. Can we go into it?

Jessica: Yes. Yes. Hard.

Guest: Because⁠—can you start off with my parents? Both of my biological parents are not necessarily⁠—my mom was in my life constantly. She suffered from mental health. She did the best she could. My dad⁠—same⁠—addiction, mental health. He wasn't in my life. So I do struggle in therapy with this deep sense of abandonment wound that emotionally drives me. And I'm trying to navigate my intuition and that abandonment wound because in one sense, it is a real feeling. I have felt that for abandonment, and just feeling like I corely am receptive, like I deserve good things in my life, effortlessly, abundantly. It's a mantra I constantly always try to reiterate, that I am enough. So just struggling with that negative ego.

Jessica: Yeah. What's interesting is, from an astrological viewpoint, you're describing your Pluto stuff. And the reason why you're describing your Pluto stuff is because it's strong, but also because it's very fucking loud and it's dramatic. But what I want to talk to about is your Saturn. And the Saturn is, because you didn't have parents who could provide structure, safety, and consistency for you, you did what all children who have that condition⁠—however it shows up⁠—do. We all either overcompensate or undercompensate.

And I think with you, because you have a stellium in Sagittarius⁠—you have four planets in Sagittarius⁠—we will get there. For you, you flip-flop. Sometimes, you over-parent yourself. You are a strict parent. You're like, "I have to do all of these things for the people. I'd like to prove that I like them and that I deserve them." And then, other times, you can flop and you can just be like, "You know what? Fuck it. I don't have to do anything. I'm just going to go out and have fun. I don't need to be so serious." You will kind of go the other direction by being the permissive parent who's spoiling the child⁠—you're the child, right?

Guest: I get a bad case of the "fuck it."

Jessica: Yeah. You get a bad case of the "fuck-its." Well played. What happens is that you hold yourself to too high and exacting standards, and then you break. You're mean to yourself. It's not sustainable. It doesn't even work. It doesn't even get you what you want. And so, then, you get into your case of the fuck-its, and then when you are there, you abandon yourself. You're not taking care of yourself. And so maybe you have fun, but then there's consequences. And your Saturn and your Moon in Virgo is like, "Consequences? I fucking knew it. Consequences just for having fun, just for having wants." And then it fulfills this⁠—

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: Yeah. It fulfills this self-fulfilling prophecy that really comes down to, at your foundation, what I think you're needing to do in this lifetime, but certainly at this time as you're moving towards your Saturn Return, is to really think about, "How am I providing for myself? How am I parenting myself? How am I loving myself?" Because for you, love needs to be consistent. It has to have a show, not like a theater, but it has to have an action associated with it. And it has to be responsible and protective in order for it to feel like love to you. And that doesn't mean it doesn't also have to be fun and dynamic and exciting, because you need those things as well.

But the thing that I think is hard for you to give to yourself is that more consistent component, and that's because you shouldn't have to give this to yourself. If life was perfect, this would not be your fucking problem. But life is very far from perfect, and here we are. With this Saturn opposition to your Moon at the top and bottom of your chart, it really speaks to in your life, especially as a pre-Saturn Return person, the need for you to acknowledge that yes, all of your relationships feel karmic and fated; yes, everything you get into with yourself and with intimate dynamics with others⁠—romantic and not romantic, like all your intimate relationships⁠—you feel really responsible.

And sometimes what that means is you end up daddying the people you're intimate with. You don't get your damn needs met, and then what's worse is you daddy others at the expense of yourself. So you're unconsciously reiterating a familial trauma where you're taking care of everyone, but you don't get taken care of. Everyone sees you as incredibly strong and forthright, but they don't see you as vulnerable and having feelings and needs. And it's like this really deep heartbreak. Does that make sense?

Guest: It can lend to loneliness, definitely.

Jessica: Yes. Yeah. So, before we get into all the other stuff, I want to say I have this thing that I like to encourage people to do who have strong Saturn stuff like you do, and it's to come up with an R&R list⁠. So not rest and relaxation, obviously, because I'm a fucking Capricorn⁠—R&R meaning rights and responsibilities. And I want to encourage you to maybe do this as a general thing with your friends, a general thing with guys you're starting to date.

But then you can also do this with⁠—like if you start dating someone, be like, "Okay. I'm going to get my shit together. I'm going to sit down with my journal or my therapist, and I'm going to write out, what are my rights in this situation, and what are my responsibilities?" so that you bring into greater awareness a more structured, very Saturnian approach to, "What do I need to do here and what do I deserve?" so that when lines get crossed⁠—when you cross lines, when they cross lines⁠—that you're aware of it because that's what Saturn needs. It needs the kind of structure, that self-awareness, so that you can handle your shit.

So this is actually where I'm going to have you say your full name out loud for me.

Guest: [redacted]

Jessica: You're missing a name. Is that your dad's last name?

Guest: Oh. [redacted]

Jessica: That's the name. [redacted] kind of has nothing to do with you. It's [redacted].

Guest: Wow.

Jessica: Hold on. Okay. So underlying this is a fear that you do everything right, and still you don't get love, which is worse than fucking off or fucking up and not getting love.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. So I want to just acknowledge that the anxiety comes out of your matrilineage. Your mom has that anxiety. You have that anxiety. It's not a thought process. It's like a deep, emotional, physical fear. If I felt this way around love all the time, I'd want to medicate it. I'd want to smoke. I'd want to drink. I'd want to do whatever I could to distance myself from this feeling. And so what I want you to do instead is to not abandon yourself with the feeling, because if you don't love you through your anxiety, then you've kind of become the abandoner that you fear.

So what I want to encourage you to do is make sure that when the anxiety comes up that I'm seeing so visceral for you is to breathe into it, like try to locate it in your body. It looks like it's very strong in your body.

Guest: Yes. I feel, sometimes, heart palpitations.

Jessica: Yes. Yeah. You're holding your breath. That's a big part of why you get those heart palpitations. It feels like a fist in my chest when I'm feeling into it for you. And if I stayed this way, if I sat with this feeling for an hour, I would probably think I was having a heart attack, eventually, because it's like you're into your lungs, and it's like you're receding further and further away from yourself. It's like your life force. It's literally like a fist, which makes sense astrologically because Saturn governs constriction and restriction. It governs calcification, things literally becoming bone or calcified somehow.

And so there is a way that you hold too tight. So, when that feeling of anxiety that's hard to put language to but is so clear in your body comes up, I want to encourage you to notice it. So I'm giving you a couple points. This is a plan, okay? Moon opposite Saturn in Virgo⁠—you can do a plan. So step 1 is you notice it. Step 2, on a scale from 1 to 10 or a scale from 1 to 5⁠—whatever is easier for your brain⁠—you rate it. 5 is the fucking worst if we're doing a scale from 1 to 5. Five is the fucking worst. 1 is like, eh, it's peeping. It's a little peep, but that's all it is.

And then, 3, identify where it is in the body. And then, 4⁠—and this is the final step⁠—you breathe into it, and you just stay with it. You don't think about it. You don't understand it. You don't fix it. You just stay with it, which is ultimately what you want from others. You don't want anyone to fucking fix you. You don't want anyone to try to get in the way of your healing process. You're actually good with that. What you need is people to stay, and that's what you need to do for you.

This is why I wanted to start with your Saturn/Moon, because now we've hit seriousness. We've hit the existential loneliness that Saturn kicks off in your birth chart, which is a bummer for anyone, but you've got a Gemini Rising. You've got a stellium in Sagittarius. You're fun. You're fun. You're super fucking fun. You like to get weird. You like to get wild.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And so this is a bummer for you in a very real way. It would be a bummer for anyone, but the contrast that it pulls⁠—it's like when you're out and you're meeting people, you lead with your fun part. You lead with all that Sagittarius. That is not good or bad. It is like a self-appropriate thing. But then what happens is you end up getting with these people that don't have the capacity to be there in the real way that you need and aren't really down for the depth that you require. Does this make sense in your experience?

Guest: Yes. It makes a lot of sense.

Jessica: So we'll get at that in a minute. But first let me say that Saturn/Moon opposition forms a T-square to Venus⁠—it's widely to Jupiter and Mars, but we'll just call it to Venus, which means you have always been and you are obsessed with boys and relationships.

Guest: And I hate it.

Jessica: Well, I mean, hate it or love it, it is what it is what it is.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And have you ever been in a relationship?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. And how long do they tend to last?

Guest: My longest is three years.

Jessica: Okay. Great. When you're in relationships, are you monogamous?

Guest: (laughter)

Jessica: (laughter) I see.

Guest: That's my nervous laughter.

Jessica: I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

Guest: Now that I'm older, yes.

Jessica: Uh-huh. That's a very fancy answer. So not always, but recently yes.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. The agreement has been monogamy, but you've cheated.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: In plain English. Okay. And have you been with anyone who's cheated on you?

Guest: Yes. It's always on each other.

Jessica: Either/either. Okay.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Have you ever been in a relationship where nobody cheated?

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. Cool. Okay. Cool. I mean, not cool, but this points us where we are. Okay. So the Saturn/Moon opposition square to Venus is deeply fucking monogamous. This part of your chart⁠—don't worry; we're going to get there⁠—it is deeply monogamous. It makes you crave traditional marriage. I mean, I don't know what traditional is in 2022 and fucking whatever, but it makes you crave having a marriage, having monogamy, having a partner who is your literal best friend and who both is your equal but also makes you feel like "the girl." Does this make sense?

Guest: Yes. It makes perfect sense.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah. Now, the reality is⁠—I mean, you're very feminist. It has nothing to do with gender or anything like that. But you have Saturn at the top of your fucking chart. You are a boss. You are the boss.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So you like to cosplay girl/boy dynamics. You don't like the reality of the power differential with girl/boy, right?

Guest: I would say I struggle with that in my head a lot.

Jessica: Yeah. I would say that makes sense. From my perspective as the astrologer looking at your chart, you love the⁠—we could call it cosplay. We could call it sexy play, whatever it is. You like to play girl. You open the door. You like those kind of markings of "He's the boy; I'm the girl."

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: You really enjoy that. It makes you feel safe. It makes you feel protected. It makes you feel feminine. You enjoy that. That is written in your chart. However, the second he acts like he knows more than you, the second he tries to tell you how to live your life⁠—

Guest: (laughter)

Jessica: Yeah. You don't like traditional marriage all of a sudden. All of a sudden, you don't like traditional gender roles because traditional gender roles is he owns everything; you own nothing. You have no power; he has power. I mean, you have power in the household, but you don't want fucking power in the household.

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: Exactly. You want power.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So I want to share this reframe with you, that you enjoy the aesthetic, the flirtation, the play of gender, but you actually⁠—again, you're the daddy. When it comes down to it⁠—I'm talking about in life⁠—you're the damn daddy. You have Saturn at the top of your chart conjunct your Midheaven. And so you need a man who likes a woman who knows who she is, who knows what she is, does not try to get in the way of it, tries to support it and hold it up, but also likes the cosplay of traditional boy/girl.

And that's possible. You can have that, but you have to be clear that that's what you're looking for because my guess is that when you talk about your past codependent relationships, you date guys who want you to be⁠—the word "obedient" is coming to mind, but it's a fucked-up word⁠—but guys who want you to be the girl in the way that he's the man; he tells you what to do. He's the man; he makes the calls. And you're supposed to be like, "Tehehe. Everything's okay. That's so cute."

Guest: Like, "Oh, okay." Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. And you love that game. You do not play that for real, though. So, when we come back to intuition versus fixation, you have a fixation on those gender roles. But it is not your truth to be the disempowered role. It is not your truth to defer to a man. You do not like deferring to men. You want to be able to lean on a shoulder that belongs to a man, but that is not the same thing as deferring to a man. And the guys you like tend to want a woman to defer to him.

Guest: Yes. Okay. So yes. Giving me a lot of clarity, especially the⁠—knowing that Saturn⁠—I do give daddy energy. But yeah. I'm 5'1", so it kind of throws⁠—

Jessica: I mean, I hear you. Short⁠—I'm 5'2" and a half. I don't want to brag. I'm super tall compared to you. But the thing that people misunderstand about Saturn energy⁠—Saturn is feminine energy. It is high-femme energy, which is⁠—whatever⁠—a Queer reference. But it is high-femme energy. It is powerful, directive feminine energy. And so Saturn at the top of your chart squares your Venus. Saturn happens to also square your Mars and your Jupiter and your Ascendant. The thing about Saturn in your chart is that you are incredibly feminine but not in a Western traditional way.

Guest: [indiscernible 00:22:25]

Jessica: Yeah. And for you, what gets really complicated is you are so sensitive to power. You get a boner for power. And you get confused because⁠—now we're going into your Sagittarius, okay? You've got Venus, Jupiter, Mars, Descendant all conjunct in Sadge. So you're just like, "Act now; think later."

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So I warned you I was going to contradict myself because Saturn is all like, "I'm going to plan. I'm going to hold back." And then all the Sagittarius is like, "Hold back on what? Let's just fucking do this."

Guest: You're in my head right now.

Jessica: Yes. You're welcome. Thank you very much. So here's what gets complicated. You see someone, and you're a hunter⁠—respect. You are very good at hunting. You know how to hunt a man. You hunt a man by making him feel like he's doing the thing, but you're really doing the thing. And it's fun for you.

Guest: Oh my God. [indiscernible 00:23:15]. Do not read me [indiscernible]. My friend's always like, "You play dumb."

Jessica: Yeah. You're not. You know exactly what you're doing. Again, you know how to make a big, strong man feel like a big, strong man. It's called topping from the bottom. It's making him feel like it's his idea when, in fact, it is all your idea to the letter. But here's the thing. That only works in the flirting-to-fuck stage, if I may be so direct. It does not work with a man who actually thinks he's better than women, which unfortunately is the kind of guy you have ended up with a fair amount. Do you have casual sex?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. And is that cool with you? You like it?

Guest: I totter back and forth. And it's like sometimes I'm into it. Sometimes I'm super emotional. I kind of like one person at a time but no feelings. Does that make sense?

Jessica: Of course. Yeah. Yeah. It's consistent. It gives your Saturn/Moon something to lean on. It's like, "I know this is a person I can call when I got an itch that needs to be scratched."

Guest: That's it. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. But you don't necessarily respect/trust/feel him. So this is where things get complicated. I am a huge fan of casual sex for people who can do it in a healthy way.

Guest: I can't.

Jessica: Not if you're sleeping in the same bed. If you literally hit it and send him off in an Uber, depending on your finances, it's kind of a power move to pay for his Uber, so he needs to just go and you've taken care of it. That is a move that I think you can do. You're not going to want to do it very frequently. It's going to cut your casual hookups in half, probably. But you'll still be able to enjoy casual hookups, and it just won't go on as long. You won't slip into habit because you have a sixth-house stellium, which means the second a man becomes a part of your habits, you catch feelings.

Guest: Oh my gosh. This gives me so much clarity. Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah.

Guest: The light switched on.

Jessica: Yes, which is why, for you, hooking up⁠—I don't know⁠—again, whatever your sexual preferences are, like in more public spaces⁠—obviously, we want to be safe, but looking up in not your bed, that shit is easier for you than inviting him into your sacred space or going into his house and being like, "Oh my God. He has a cute house." That'll ruin you if he has a cute house because then you want to go back, and you want to spend time there. And having coffee in the morning⁠—it's not for you unless you want to build something with him. I will also say Neptune in the eighth house⁠—do you have safer sex?

Guest: I have been listening to you, and on top of it, boundaries. [crosstalk]

Jessica: Thank you.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Thank you. Okay. So you do.

Guest: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: Yes. Okay. Good.

Guest: I learned a lesson. I remember you told that story about you have one slip-up, and that's it.

Jessica: That's it. Okay. I'm thrilled to hear this for two⁠—well, for three reasons: one, because obviously it's just common sense, but Neptune in the eighth house as well as Neptune in the fifth⁠—oftentimes, people don't have safer sex because of the boundaries issue. So the fact that you're doing that is just, on a spiritual level, a really good sign. The other thing is you're fertile. You're just fertile. You're fertile. So, when people have a square⁠—you have this T-square to Venus. Saturn is square your Venus. People often tell me, "I don't feel fertile."

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Right. You don't feel fertile. Doesn't mean⁠—I mean, sometimes that means something. It doesn't mean shit for you. You're fertile. Venus/Jupiter conjunction, you're fertile. But here's the but. Your ovulation can be erratic. Can you tell when you're ovulating?

Guest: I have always had a messed-up period. I'm on birth control. Yeah. I can't really tell.

Jessica: Okay. And does your birth control kind of stop your period from showing up?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah. So, in your chart, it articulates that you would have a messed-up period, like a complicated, confusing period with all the fucking symptoms, but never consistently.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So, sometimes, you're incredibly fertile, and sometimes you're not very fertile, which is confusing if you're not having safer sex and you're not trying to get pregnant, and it's confusing if you are trying to get pregnant. And so I will say as an aside, if you want human children, I would recommend getting off of birth control at least a year before you start trying simply because your body⁠—you could get pregnant instantly or it could take you a long time. It's just a fucking random thing with your body.

So this is where⁠—okay. Let me ground back in. You referenced codependency, and I want to speak to it from a couple places astrologically. The first one is that you're really independent, and you're not codependent at all. You're also very codependent. I want to give you that. But they're both true.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: That's why you've cheated, and that's in part why you've been with cheaters, because at a certain point, you're just like, "This has nothing to do with him. I'm just going to fucking do what I need to do right now." It has nothing to do with him. There's a lot of ways that I see astrologically that people cheat, but this Mars/Jupiter conjunction you have⁠—people often cheat when they have it. And it's not because you have to be a cheater/because you are a cheater⁠; it's because every once in a while, you're just in the moment, and you're like, "This moment is my moment. This moment is just a moment. Don't worry about anyone else. This is my moment." And you just are so present in your moment that it doesn't seem that big a deal.

Now, maybe an hour later, when Saturn/Moon opposition kicks in, you're like, "Fuck. Consequences. What did I do?" But in that moment, all that Sagittarius, all that Jupiter energy, is just like⁠—you know what I mean? Have a life. Just live. So there is that, and that part of you is intensely independent. That part of you is adventure-seeking and a little wild, and you love that part of you.

Now, if you could be in a relationship of my choosing⁠—which of course is ridiculous, but bear with me⁠. If you could be in a relationship of my choosing, what I would say is you would be with somebody who is fiercely loyal, monogamous, but likes to be weird with you, likes to have adventures with you, is down for you to go off and have your own adventures with your own friends or on your own, and monogamous⁠—unfortunately for you⁠⁠—but also shows up and does weird shit with you, whether it's through travel or just going places that are not your vibe, per se, but having an amazing time.

You need somebody who's into adventure. And if they're not into adventure, they need to trust you, you need to trust them, and you go off and you have your own little adventures with friends, on your own, whatevs. That is an important part of you. Here's another but. The but is, at the end of the day, you keep on going for these extroverted Type A dues, right?

Guest: I would say some introverted, too, sometimes. I'm dealing with one dude that's super shy, and I'm like, "What am I doing?" So it's kind of⁠—

Jessica: Okay. We're going to come to him in a minute, then. But the guys you've been in relationships with before⁠—are any of them introverted?

Guest: It's always weeded in and out. But my most recent relationship, he was adventurous like that. That's what got me in, the trips and everything.

Jessica: Yeah. So, when I say introverted, I mean somebody who genuinely likes spending time alone, somebody who has a rich inner life and doesn't need external validation all the time. I don't mean silent and confusing and shy.

Guest: Oh. Open/receptive.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. Good. Okay.

Guest: There's a difference.

Jessica: Yeah. There is a big difference, and it's important for you to know that, because in some ways you're very extroverted, and in some ways you're very fucking introverted.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: You're both. You are both. And so you need a partner⁠—if you're going to live with someone, if you're going to be partnered with someone, if you're going to coparent with somebody⁠—who has an introverted side, likes to be the fuck alone, who likes to leave you alone, who likes to do chill things that are silent at home, as much as you need somebody who's adventurous. What we're talking about is a whole human. We're not talking about a guy who only knows how to party. We're talking about a whole adult. And if you are running around town being everybody's daddy, then you're dating babies; you're not dating men.

And so I want to just throw that into the mix, and then I want to acknowledge that the Saturn/Moon/Venus aspect in your chart can be quite codependent. It can also be fiercely loyal and very monogamous. So I want to pick apart⁠—and then we're going to come to your Scorpio stuff; don't worry. I'm building up. I'm building up.

Guest: I know.

Jessica: I just went there because it's the most obvious place to start, and I think it's the part you're the most self-aware of.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: But the difference between being codependent and not having any boundaries, and being really clear about your commitments, your responsibilities, and your rights⁠—the difference between those two things is everything. It's everything. And it is in you, right? It's knowing what you can and cannot do in a healthy way. It's knowing what you need and instead of just pressuring yourself to power through or to go with the flow or to be chill⁠—fuck all that. Fuck all that. I want to encourage you to check back in with yourself and be like, "Wait. What do I actually need? What do I actually have to offer in this moment?"

For you, that is the difference between feeling like you have a home and kind of a stable foundation within somebody⁠—with somebody or a relationship⁠—and feeling like you need to keep on tending to it. It's like there's this way that you build a foundation with someone, and then you keep on building it. You never stop building it. You're proving it. You're proving it. You're proving it. You're proving it. And so you're never resting, and then you're never receiving. Right?

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: And that becomes codependency for you. And so this, again, is where you have a great deal of agency. None of this shit is easy. None of this shit is like you can fix it overnight. But this is all within your control. Can you control what cis men are? No, you cannot control that. You can't control the way they were nurtured. You cannot control what you've come from. You cannot control the climate that we're living in today. But you do have agency around recognizing, "I have proven that I'm here. I have shown up and let him know. I've done the fucking work, and now I need to sit back and receive. Now I need to allow him to reveal himself to me. I don't need to facilitate anything anymore. I need to allow him to reveal himself to me or allow the situation to reveal itself to me."

You don't always have to be actively making it happen. Again, this is a high-functioning, maladjusted response to not having parenting and structure as a child. So this is where you want to make sure you're not unconsciously re-creating these dynamics were he's a fucking wild card; you can never predict it, and eventually he goes, whether he goes by emotionally abandoning the situation, by fucking up or fucking off, or whatever else it is. It's about recognizing when other people show you who they are⁠—

Guest: Believe them.

Jessica: ⁠—believe them. And also, if you don't like it, don't assume that's about you and that you can fix it. You can fix it for the short term, but⁠—

Guest: I'm working on that in therapy.

Jessica: Yeah. That is the thing. That is the thing.

Guest: The challenges.

Jessica: It is such a massive challenge, and I'll say this is directly related to your Saturn Return. And you are in the buildup phase of your Saturn Return. So this is exactly what you're meant to be working on now. Here's the but. There's so many buts. You're going through a bunch of Saturn transits right now, and this is, again, part of why I'm a little fixating with you on Saturn, because you're in a Saturn phase. You're fucking adulting. You're figuring your shit out. You're figuring out how to handle it. Now, how many guys are you dating right now?

Guest: Oh, only two [crosstalk].

Jessica: Okay. What are their names? We're going to beep them out.

Guest: Okay. There's [redacted], and then [redacted] is really casual. We just started dating.

Jessica: Okay. So, with the second guy, you're already doing your shit. He's fun. It's hot. You're already doing your shit. You know what I'm talking about?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. All right. Okay. Cool. So this is you. The reason why you do the shit you do is because it's fun. It's fun. It's familiar. It's why you're doing it. But you are seeking something from him that you already know he's not going to give you. Does that make sense?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: I don't know what kind of person he is, but it doesn't look great.

Guest: Okay. Good.

Jessica: Is he hot?

Guest: He's okay. I feel like it's a bored thing. I've been really slow on dating because I'm kind of trying to face my therapy stuff.

Jessica: Great.

Guest: I feel like [indiscernible 00:35:59] coming to awareness of stuff⁠—

Jessica: Great.

Guest: ⁠—which explains all the Saturn stuff.

Jessica: Yeah.

Guest: So I'm taking everything really slow and, like you said, letting things reveal themselves to me.

Jessica: Good. Is he really into you?

Guest: I would say yes. He's very insistent.

Jessica: Okay, because⁠—I'll just tell you why I'm asking, because I'm seeing either you're very attracted to him, or you're attracted to his attraction to you. So it's the second one.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. That's your bullshit. I respect it. But let's just acknowledge that it is hot for someone to want you, and there's nothing wrong with playing with that. You have hella Sagittarius in you. Fine. You're going to play with that. But the problem is what you actually want is love and intimacy and realness. And if that's what you truly want, there's gotta be other ways to indulge your boredom because this guy is going to eat up your energy⁠—not just your time. Your energy.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And you've probably heard me say this before on the podcast, but I feel like I'll never stop saying it. Have you ever seen the show Deal or No Deal by Howie Mandel?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. So I am a believer that the Universe is the "bank," and life is a game of Deal or No Deal. So you say to the Universe, "I don't want fuckboys. I don't want to waste my time. I want something that is more real⁠—fun but real." And the Universe is like, "Cool. Here's Guy Number 2"⁠—we're calling him right now. And you're like, "Deal. I'm bored." And the Universe is like, "Okay. Then that's what you get," instead of saying, "No deal. Give me something different." And what the Universe does in that situation, in my experience, is it gives you a different version of that same bullshit until you say "No deal" to that as well.

Usually, we have to say "No deal" a couple times before the Universe gives us something authentically different. But for as long as we keep on choosing our pattern, then there's nothing else that can come through because we're not being different. So the thing I want to⁠—and I just gotta say open and receptive⁠—I love that you say that⁠—is such a Sagittarius stellium thing to say. You are embodying your chart so gorgeously, I can't even tell you. Okay. So that's Point Number 2. Say Boy Number 1's name again.

Guest: [redacted]

Jessica: Are you into him?

Guest: No.

Jessica: At all? I don't even know why we're talking about him.

Guest: I know. That's just what I'm talking about, the self-harm. It's like what⁠—yeah.

Jessica: Okay. What are you doing here? Okay.

Guest: Oh, no. I'm just bored, like a cat playing with yarn.

Jessica: I see. I see. I see. Okay. But the problem is you are the cat and you are the yarn. You're playing with yourself, and it's not fun. You're actually⁠—I see. Oh fuck. Okay. I'm so glad we went here because now I see it. You're scared if you're truly single⁠—truly, truly, truly single⁠; you've got no guys on the horizon⁠—that you'll get trapped there. You're so scared of being lonely and alone that you keep these dodo birds around who have nothing real to offer you, and they take up your time. They take up your energy. They block something better from coming. But at least you're not completely alone, which is that fear, that fear that we were talking about that was in your body.

Guest: I don't feel that feeling. At least I don't feel that sensation in my body.

Jessica: Yeah. It's like a drug. It's like a drug. So okay. This realization does not mean you'll magically heal and fix this.

Guest: No.

Jessica: But it's about recognizing, just like we would do with alcohol or whatever, when you have this feeling of, "Okay. I'm going to text him. I'm just going to fucking text him. I'm bored," just try to say to yourself, "Yeah. I see you. I see you. I see you doing this." So, when you say that to yourself next time, ask yourself, "Can I make a different choice for three minutes?" Three minutes is the average length of a song. Put on a song if you're at home alone, because it looks like it's mainly when you're at home, or you're hanging out with people and you're bored. So, when you're hanging out with people and you're bored, change the fucking subject. Talk about something different with them.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: When you are home alone, play a song. Dance if you enjoy dancing. Use your body, I think, is going to help you the most. And then see, the whole time, were you fucking secretly just thinking about texting him? Fine. Fucking do it. But if that shifts your energy, great. And if you're like, " Fuck this. I don't know if I'm going to text him or not, but I can listen to that song because the next song on this is amazing"⁠—whatever⁠—distract yourself, because what I see⁠—and this actually perfectly dovetails into your Scorpio stuff. You have Mercury and the Sun conjunct each other and the Sun and Pluto conjunct each other. Your fixations are fucking powerful.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Your passions are powerful. This placement that you have is often in the charts of people who come from addicts. So you definitely are wise to be mindful with your substance abuse.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Saturn governs weed, and Saturn is not so much about addiction; it's about habits. It's about being habitual and ritualistic. Alcohol is the thing I would be concerned about for you. I mean, mushrooms⁠—I'm not too worried about them. Whatever. You don't like doing them enough that I'm worried.

Guest: No. But the alcohol…

Jessica: Alcohol is your issue because alcohol does for you the thing you don't know how to do for yourself, which is chill out and not be intense. You are intense. I would argue it's one of your best qualities. I would say that your intensity is something that you're scared that it will cost you more than you want to pay.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: You're scared that it will scare people off.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And it will scare people off, but they're not your fucking people. You know?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Let them be scared. Let them be scared. So this part of your chart is the stuff you were speaking about at the very beginning, this abandonment of the self that you perpetrate. And this is the stuff you are really self-aware of, you're working really hard on. This configuration of planets means that your thoughts go to really intense places, and then your energy follows, and you get so fucking fixated, so fucking⁠—

Guest: [crosstalk] corner.

Jessica: Yeah. It's so intense for you. And so this is where distraction comes in. This is where the advice I just gave you about what to do when you're just like, "Fuck it. I'll just text him. Who cares?"⁠—that's when you turn on music. That's when you do something to distract yourself that is neutral. It's important that you go to something neutral that is fun, but also an outlet for agitation, because ultimately what's happening for you is that you are feeling such intense feelings that you want to either act on them or obliterate yourself. It looks like you have very good mental health, very good mental health, given what you've gone through.

Guest: Yes. I strive for it.

Jessica: You do. You work really hard towards it⁠—and also, given your genes, what you've come from, because there are very real, very serious mental health issues in your family, it looks like on both sides. And you said that was just your dad's, or you said Mom and Dad?

Guest: Mom and Dad.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, it does show up. But what also shows up is that you will hit a wall. You will do self-destructive things, for sure. But you always have this place where you're like, "No. I have to pick myself up. I have to handle this," and you do. And it looks like⁠—and please tell me if I'm wrong, but it looks like in your 20s and in particular in your later 20s, your mental health has gotten better. In your teens, it was real rough, but it looks like in your 20s, not as much. Is that correct?

Guest: Just, like, two years ago, I will say at 25, my mental health's different.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. Radically different. Yeah. Your chart is written in a way where as long as you stay away from drinking too much, don't fuck with heavy party drugs⁠—like you shouldn't be doing any snortables; that's not for you.

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. Good, because that could really mess with your mental health, it looks like.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: That said, you have found a way to choose life even when it's making you miserable and even when it's really hard. And that has led you in a very sixth-house stellium sort of way to adopting behaviors that support your mental and physical health. And that is nothing to shake a fucking stick at or be cavalier about or brush over because, I mean, mental illness is mental illness. There's nothing moralistic about it. It's not about effort. Illness is illness. I want to be firm and clear about that. And also, some things are made worse with behavior. And you have adopted behaviors ritualistically that have improved your mental health, and that has had a good impact on your physical health.

But I say all of this kind of as a foundation for acknowledging how intense things are for you. That Sun squished between Mercury and Pluto⁠—yeah, of course you've been scared of your mental health. Of course you've been scared that you're losing it or that there's a line that you cross and there's no coming back. But I don't see that. And that's where we want to thank Saturn. That's where we want to thank your sixth house because the truth of the matter is you are not interested in having to clean up a massive mess. First, for whatever reason, you're okay with cleaning up a big mess, but you're not okay with cleaning up a massive mess. So you don't let yourself go past a certain point. You hit the certain point⁠—it's always around the same point⁠—and then you take care of business. Does that make sense?

Guest: It makes perfect sense.

Jessica: Yeah. And so, as you grow up⁠—and I don't mean that in a shitty way. I just mean you're about to hit your Saturn Return. As you mature and you grow up, what will happen is you will tolerate less and less mess. And what you want to do is not overcompensate and then tolerate zero mess, because mess is important. Mess is good. Mess isn't always fun, but it's a huge part of being a person. But your tolerance for mess⁠—it could shrink a little. It could shrink a little. You know what I mean?

So this is where⁠—okay. This is the answer, and it's the answer to Saturn. It's the answer to the Sun/Pluto/Mercury⁠—it's just the answer that I'm supposed to be giving you. You are seeking stability, assurance, and equilibrium outside of you, and it's inside of you. And you fear if you find it inside of you, if you get that mature, if you get that self-possessed, then no man is going to work out. No man is going to work out because they're already a fucking problem. And what are you going to do when you get more mature, more together?

The answer is twofold. One is I don't have an answer. I'm not a heterosexual man whisperer. If I was, oh my God, that would be quite a podcast. But I am not. But the guys that you're attracted to now will not be attractive to you as you change. That's what happens. And this is the thing that's so important to know, is what you resonate with is⁠—what all of us resonate with is sometimes out of personal preference, and sometimes it's because it feels familiar. It's a response to trauma. And also, it's a response to bullshit. Some of it's trauma; some of it's bullshit. There's both.

I can make you zero promises. I look at your chart, and I think you're going to end up partnered. You do the work; you'll end up partnered. That looks very clear to me. It's not a promise, but that's what it looks like. My concern is not, will you end up partnered? My concern is, will you marry somebody who you have to parent? Yeah.

Guest: And I'd rather be by myself.

Jessica: That is real. Also, it's not. It's both. Right? Yeah. It's both. There's part of you that⁠—I believe you 170 percent. For sure, you mean that. And also, look at who you're dating. There's no evidence. There's no evidence you mean that. And that's where we want to stay⁠—is that there is this part of you that is so fucking clear. You're not doing the shit that your parents did. You're not doing the shit you see a lot of your friends doing. You want to do something that you know you're capable of. And then there's this other part of you that's so fucking terrified of being stuck alone.

Guest: Oh my gosh.

Jessica: Right.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And so that part of you is making a lot of decisions right now, and that's not the part of you that you are nurturing currently. That's the part of you that you need. It's finding equilibrium within yourself so that you can, A, be a good parent to your inner child and have a healthy, well child inside of you⁠—not human child, but inner child. But there's this other thing, which is that is the foundation for sharing of yourself with others in an authentic way. And you're actually⁠—you're kind of an open book. You're down to get deep. You're down to get real. But you're not always that great at sharing of yourself with people.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And sometimes it's because you unconsciously/consciously pick dodo birds who are not capable of receiving realness. And sometimes you find people who are really down to do that. They really want to get to know you, and you get bored or irritated. So how do you meet guys?

Guest: Dating, outside, dating apps⁠—

Jessica: Out in the world. What do you do on a first date with a guy, wherever you met him? Doesn't matter.

Guest: Go for a drink, ice cream, taking it real slow. You gotta meet them. No kissing.

Jessica: Ice cream. Love that. Okay. Good. Great. Hold please. Hold please. Hold please. You're Southern. Okay. So you're doing this girl thing, though. See, the thing is you're not kissing⁠—Scorpio⁠—but you're having a fun, sexy time with them, right?

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: And then you're doing the Southern girl thing where you're like, "No, I don't kiss on the first date." I tried to be Southern about it. Sorry. I wasn't good at it.

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: Yeah. You're trying to be like that, like, "Oh, I don't kiss on the first date," but it's kind of one of your moves. It's one of your topping-from-the-bottom moves. It's like the hunt is on.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. So stop drinking on the first date. I would say no drinks until the third date.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: Or the fourth. He doesn't deserve you buzzed until he deserves you buzzed, okay? Because⁠—

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: Right. So there's one thing. The other thing⁠—I actually think making out on the first date is fine for you because you're into making out on the first date. Am I seeing that wrong? You like it.

Guest: Yes. I am. I am. I just try to hide from that Neptune eighth house. I've gotta set those boundaries, though.

Jessica: I see. Okay. So making out means pants stay on for everybody. Making out is just making out. So let's start with that because that's a real boundary. So Saturn says, "Boundaries are rules. I'll cut off your arm," whereas an actual boundary is, "I don't cut off your arm; I just tell you don't move your arm."

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: So there's two reasons why I actually think making out on a first date is fine for you. One is because you want to. You like it. There's nothing wrong with fucking being sexual. And the other thing is, if he is not going to call you back because you hooked up on the first date, fuck him. Get to know that immediately. You know what I mean?

Guest: Oh, yeah, like [indiscernible 00:51:23].

Jessica: Yes.

Guest: Okay. Good.

Jessica: Yes. Yes. But I'm not saying put yourself in a vulnerable way on the line. So this is just making out if you want to because you fucking want to, and you get what you want. That's hot to you. That's fun to you. And if he comes around and he is clearly pushing for sex, well, then we know what is, and you can make a decision. Do you want to hit it, quit it, get out of there? Or do you want to say, "Yeah, we don't want the same thing. You're coming on too strong. It's not for me"? I am a big fan of asserting boundaries in the first three dates frequently⁠—not for no reason, but you get to know a person really quickly to see how they respond to the word "no," like very fucking quickly.

Some guys are fucking liars, and they will be like, "Okay. Cool. Whatever you want," and they're really respectful until they get what they want, and then they're out. I think that you will be able to gauge a lot of bad behavior very quickly and waste a lot less of your time and energy. And again, there's time, but there's more energy. And because you have so much energy, I fear how much of it you waste on people who you know aren't the one; they're not for you.

I love that you're doing ice cream dates. Anything with taking a walk is good for you. Anything with movement is good for you. It helps with the anxiety that you get. You've got a lot of pent-up energy. I don't think he deserves you at nighttime until the third date, maybe the fourth.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: So here's what I see. In practice, this advice will be hard to live out because you are so habituated to be doing exactly what you believe they will like so that they like you, even if you don't fucking like them. You're very good at it.

Guest: I use my intuition in that way.

Jessica: You're so good at it. I mean, you're really good at it. And it's a problem because making men like you, I mean⁠—

Guest: Ew.

Jessica: Yeah. I mean, listen. If that's what you wanted, if you were like, "Yeah, I don't really care about marriage. I don't want kids," I'd be like, "Fucking get it."

Guest: That's that cat-and-yarn thing.

Jessica: Exactly.

Guest: I really am doing it with that. It's not even to make them like me. It's just like⁠—it can happen.

Jessica: It can happen.

Guest: It's so easy.

Jessica: So that's the Sadge part. But the Saturn/Moon part is, "If I can make this person like me, then I'm likable." And that's the part you want to be really mindful of because there is a way that you kind of have this anchor that you're constantly lassoing out in the world and trying to anchor yourself in other people as a way to prove to yourself that you won't be left, that you're lovable, you're deserving. But you do it without discrimination, so you're just doing it with any fucking guy who you don't even care about, who you don't respect especially or know especially.

And this is where saying no becomes really hard for you, even though you're intensely opinionated. You say no all the damn time. I see the opposite is also true. You have a really hard time asserting boundaries, saying no, and displeasing people. And a lot of people who know you would be like, "That's not true." You're great at displeasing people. You've got Mars opposite the Ascendant. You're very assertive and aggressive, and you've got a lot of strong opinions. But that's about surface stuff.

The real shit is where you get compromising because of that Saturn dynamic. And so this is where, again, in dating, you may find that you come up across this fear, this fear that, "He's not going to like me. It's not going to go anywhere. What the fuck? I'm going to be alone." So you might start dating someone and then feel, actually, depressed.

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: That's a sign that you need to spend a little bit of time alone sitting with, "Do I like who I am with him? Do I like him? Do I like the way he treats me? Do I like the way I treat him?" That is the stuff that you forget to ask yourself. It's just like, "I've got to win the game. I've got to prove myself. I've got to get him to like me," or whatever instead of, "Is this right?" which is essentially what all those questions will answer for you.

And you might be like, "I don't know if I like him," or, "I don't like myself around him." And if you find, "I don't like myself around him," the question, then, you need to ask is why. Is it because he's making you feel like shit? Is it because you don't like the way you're treating him because you're acting out in some unconscious way? Or is it just because you don't fucking like him? It could be any of those things or something else, but it's worth investigating. And this is where you can use your intense Scorpio Sun conjunct Mercury and Pluto to get to the heart of what it is that's happening for you, but you cannot do that if you're busy abandoning yourself or proving yourself to some dodo bird that you don't even know that you like.

Okay. Hold on. I have really annoying advice, so annoying advice, the most annoying advice. I would recommend that you take 30 to 60 days off of alcohol for sure, but maybe substances in total.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: I'm not saying do it right before the holidays, because I am not mean. That's not the easiest time. But I would say if this feels like good advice to you, bring it to your shrink. Talk to her about why you don't want to do it. Talk to her about why you do want to do it. Talk to her about your feelings, and then make a plan. I think planning it, in some ways, will make it worse, and in some ways will give you a lot more control and agency and will make it better. If you can't do 60 days, do 30 days. And if you can't do 30 days, then you need to explore why the fuck that is. If you're scared about taking weed out⁠—do you smoke weed every day?

Guest: Here and there, yes.

Jessica: That's a yes. I would, then, maybe do 30 days without alcohol, and then at the 30-day mark, take out weed. So, then, 60 days no alcohol, 30 days no weed, and see how that goes. Again, you don't have to do any of this. I'm not saying you have an addiction to weed. I don't see that it functions that way for you. But I don't think you know who you are without either, and that is worth investigating, right?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Because I am of the mind if I don't know who I am without a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I better fucking get rid of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a while to figure it out. It's not about weed, but it is about you peeling away the things that you grasp onto to make yourself not feel lonely.

Guest: I will say that. I'll agree with that. Am I able to ask⁠—I've always been confused about the way I've been born or anything. I have no clue how my parents got together. And I'm like, is there some belief of where it comes from of I'm not enough⁠—like pulling myself out of that? You get me?

Jessica: Yeah. I think I do. You're not really asking me about your birth. You're asking me about where did that feeling come from?

Guest: Yeah, like the sensation of⁠—I feel the fixation of abandonment come up in my body. I know how to pinpoint it. It's still so visceral, and I'm just like⁠—I believe in therapy, when you know where it stems from, it gives you a little more freedom and [crosstalk].

Jessica: I see what you mean. I'm not sure about that part, but I will tell you what shows up really strong in your birth chart for me is that your father had a very abusive childhood. It looks like he had an abusive childhood. It looks like your mom did, too, in a very different way. So you know your grandparents on your mom's side?

Guest: Yes, both sides.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. So your mom's side⁠—were they very religious?

Guest: Yes. She's religious. My grandmother is religious.

Jessica: Yeah. It looks like it. It looks like your mom's childhood was restrictive. She didn't especially feel very loved. She didn't feel very cared for. That doesn't mean it was true, but that's how she felt. Your dad, it looks like there was violence and abuse. It looks like both of your parents⁠—not one of them, but both of them⁠—felt that they weren't enough and that they couldn't live up to the expectations of them. And then they both did stupid shit before you were conceived, and there were consequences, and they were judged or they were punished or whatever. And both of them were punished, it looks like, by their parents. Is your father from religion?

Guest: My grandmother is a Jehovah witness.

Jessica: Okay. So that's a yes. But your grandfather wasn't?

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. So mixed for your dad.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: That makes sense. Your mother in your birth chart shows up as coming from a very strict, moralistically religious background, whereas your dad⁠—it doesn't show up the same way. Both of your parents⁠, it looks like in your chart, haven't really grown up. And they both have a lot of struggle with themselves, and on a foundational level, they abandoned themselves before you were conceived. And so this feeling you're referring to is part that.

I also think there are some generational issues around abuse and survival. You are the child of both your parents, and in some ways, you come from chaos. But both of your parents in your chart show up as loving you, like deeply loving you and even wanting you, which is interesting because it sounds like they didn't raise you when you were an infant. Is that true?

Guest: Yes. So it's like that's curious because⁠—yeah. I've dealt with abuse with them. So it's like⁠—but more of the wanting, of possessiveness. I've felt that, like, "You're my child."

Jessica: So they were like, "I'm going to possess you, but I'm not going to care for you"?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Sucks. I'm so sorry. But that's the way they love. That's the problem. They're not right. They're not healthy. They're not well. And you have a tiny bit of that. That's what we've been talking about this whole time. But they have it from a place that is so dramatic and unhealthy. You have it from a place where you date dodo birds. It's not the same, but it's the same pattern. It's like you want to possess them. You want them to want to possess you. But it's not real. It's not what you really want.

Guest: That's so freeing.

Jessica: Good. Oh, good. I'm so glad to hear. I will tell you this⁠—

Guest: Yeah. I'm getting emotional. Sorry.

Jessica: No. Don't be. Don't be at all. This Venus/Jupiter/Mars conjunction shows up in the chart of children who are wanted and loved. Now, Saturn is fucking square to your Venus and Jupiter and Mars, so loved but not provided for, loved but not parented. I think both of them have a story about you and your childhood and how they were as a parent that places them both as a victim.

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Yeah. They're victims. And this is, again, how you grew up to be everybody's daddy. You take care of everything. You show up because you're not going to be like them. You're not going to be a perpetual victim. But ironically, it means that when you get really sad, you feel very victimized. You can feel so sad and victimy, which you feel badly about and you have judgments about, so you get into yourself. And this is, again, why I'm recommending you get off of the weed for a period, because it will help you to feel those feelings so that you can cope with them, so that you can cope with this, because the truth is your parents' substance abuse, mental health, their childhoods, their choices, their lack of fucking choices, if we're being real⁠—in many ways, it's in your epigenetics. It is your generational issue.

And in many ways, it is their problem and not yours. And I think at this stage of your development, I do want to encourage you to recognize that it's their problem. It has created problems for fucking you, and you have problems with it, but it is their problem and you do not need to take care of that problem. You don't need to take care of their problems. You don't need to figure out why they were bad at adulting, that they were bad at parenting, that they were bad at life. Honestly, no disrespect, but you don't need to figure that out for them.

Right now, what you're doing is you're building towards your Saturn Return. It is figuring out how to choose a life that is good for you and how to choose your life, whatever that means. Through doing this, the answers to those other questions about your parents are going to start to come up. Either you'll be asking your family and actually getting answers because you're going to be different, so you're going to get a different result, or it's just going to kind of clarify itself to you is what it looks like.

The thing about you is that you are very unlucky and very lucky⁠—equally true. Equally true.

Guest: Yes. That's my whole life [crosstalk].

Jessica: Yeah. Very true. So, in the context of this question that you're asking me, do the work, and then there will be shots of truth that come at you. What you're wanting is the shots of truth so that you feel strong enough to do the work. So, again, that's throwing your anchor into something else or someone else instead of into you. That shit doesn't work for you. What's wrong with them is not what's wrong with you.

Guest: No.

Jessica: It's just not. You have all manner of problems, but they're not their problems; they're your problems. And thank God your problems are way better than their problems were when they were your age. I mean, my God, way better. This is where I would say coming to acceptance that you don't have these answers⁠—you don't know. What you do know, you don't like; it's not great⁠. That's actually not a bad foundation to build off of. And I think that all that Sadge in your chart, your stellium in the sixth house, says, "Yeah, that's a lot of unanswered questions. I'm going to need some answers before I can do what I need to do."

But you don't need answers to that, because doing what you need to do is re-parenting yourself. And that is not conditional. Love is not without discretion. Love is not without needs and boundaries, but it is without conditions. In the spring of 2024, you are going to go through your Saturn Return. So it's not until May of 2024 that it begins, so it's more than a year away. But you are in this phase of building up to the Saturn Return where you're starting to feel like, "Oh shit. I gotta figure everything out." And it can feel like impatience, like, "I need to get it already."

And the work you're doing now is exactly what we're meant to do because Saturn likes preparation. Saturn wants you to lay the foundation. So you're doing that. And your career is important; you've got Saturn at the top of the chart. But what we really have been talking about in a meaningful way this whole time is who you want to be in the world and how you want to participate in the world, which is, yes, a little bit about boys. Yes, it's about a lot of things. But for you, it's about locating herself and validating yourself. That's really what it comes down to.

But this will require, in a meaningful way, letting go of your distractions that protect you from your loneliness, which is easier said than done, but that's the work. Yeah.

Guest: Thank you for all the clarity. You gave me a lot of freedom in this conversation.

Jessica: Yay. Makes me so happy.

If you're a fan of Ghost of a Podcast and you want to wear it on your chest, there is now a Ghost of a Podcast shirt available on my website. You just have to go to lovelanyadoo.com/shop to get yours or to gift it to someone you love. And while you're there, you can find classes, my book, and other goodies to gift to the astrology nerd in your life or the astrology nerd within.

The Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA, was enacted in 1978 as a much-needed reform on the practices that separated Native children from their families, and it is now under attack. On November 9th, the very conservative Supreme Court met to discuss whether to overturn the ICWA, which would be a devastating blow to tribal communities, Native children, and families. You can help by amplifying Native voices on social media and signing the petition to protect the ICWA. Use Resistbot by texting "sign PCCPGW" to Resistbot at 50409. Don't worry. This is in show notes. You can copy and paste it there. You can use this tool to urge your elected officials to act. Learn more about those issues and ways to help at nicwa.org.

Welcome back to Ghost, my loves. This week, we're going to look at November 13th through the 19th of 2022, and there's actually a lot of really lovely transits happening. Of course, it's not perfect, but there are some really lovely things happening as well, which is a nice shift in pace.

I gotta say I am pretty impressed by what happened in the election here in the U.S. on the Eclipse. It really was so great to see people coming out and participating in the system. I was worried. I was real worried. I'm not going to lie. I mean, I'm still worried. I don't think that things are tra-la-la better and we can rest upon our laurels, as it were, but yeah, a little moment of relief and even cautious optimism is where I'm sitting, which is saying a lot because I'm a triple Capricorn. I'm not going to lie to you. Optimism is not my favorite vibe to hit, but yeah, I'm quite relieved, and hopefully, you are too. Hopefully, you are too.

Okay. So we're just going to dive this week into the horoscope. That's what we're doing. We're looking at the astrology of November 13th through the 19th of 2022, and there's something going on every damn day. Now, before I give you all the details⁠—and again, lots of good ones⁠—I just want to remind you that there are larger themes at play, and they're influencing us in an ongoing way day to day. So we've got these big-picture transits of Uranus through Taurus and Neptune through Pisces and Pluto through Capricorn⁠—yes, Pluto is still in Capricorn. We've got all that stuff going on. We've got our Saturn Square to Uranus just messing with reality and demanding that we create more progressive approaches and attitudes into our inner structure as human beings.

So we've got all that shit going on. You've also got this Mars Retrograde happening. I am only giving you this backdrop to kind of validate, for some people, where life is kind of going fabulously, these easy transits are incredibly supportive because you can kind of capitalize on them, make the most of them, and things get better. For some people who are going through really rough times, ditto. These transits are really remarkable for helping us make the most of our situation, for making progress, or for just catching a little break. So it's really valuable to note that these positive transits⁠—sometimes the way I see them interpreted on the 'net⁠—the World Wide Web⁠—it promises the greatest joy, romance, and glory. And I'm always like, "That's the kind of promise that is not going to come true for the vast majority of humans on the planet."

So we don't want to be idealistic, but we also don't want to miss out on opportunity. And so much about luck or opportunity is not just something that happens to you passively. It's something that you do. It's like recognizing that there's an opening and taking it. So it really does serve us to be mindful and aware of whatever it is that is happening in our lives or astrologically so that we can make use of it. This can be especially easy to not do during a Mars Retrograde, and I'll explain why a little bit more later in the horoscope. But let's start at the beginning.

On the 13th, we have a Venus sextile to Pluto. This is a very good transit, IMO. Venus is in Scorpio, which is very deep. It can be a little messy, but it's emotional. It's passionate and intense. And forming a 60-degree angle, a.k.a. a sextile, to Pluto means that Venus is able to get a little deeper. It can mean that we are able to get to the heart of the matter in regards to our values. So, if you have been doing your homework around values this Eclipse season, you may make some sort of meaningful progress. Something may happen, and it may be really subtle. It may be dramatic, but it's more likely to be subtle and within the realm of normal reality that just sparks something for you, where you're able to have a greater sense of self-awareness, where you're able to make some sort of progress in regards to something Venusian⁠—again, that would be your relationships, intimacy, your relationship to your body, the way you look. It could be around your finances and, again, your values⁠—Venus.

So what we can do in this period is tap into what's happening on a deep level. And this is really powerful because it can help us to put the bullshit aside, distractions aside. It can help us to act from cleaner motivations. And when I refer to these motivations, what I'm really talking about is how Pluto governs over our flight-or-fight mechanisms. And so, when one is in a state of fear or defensiveness, we are not clearly assessing situations. We are not showing up authentically. We're showing up defensively. And so, when Venus sextiles Pluto, it's really supportive for showing up authentically, having a little touch of courage, a little touch of bravery. Venus is not particularly related to courage or bravery, and Pluto inherently does not give it to us. However, when we have a clearer sense of self, a clearer sense of access to what's important, it's a little easier to act from a place that is whole, which is ultimately an act of courage. So this is a really lovely transit.

Now, in terms of romance and sex, this transit can give you great sex with someone you care about, all by yourself, or with a rando that means nothing to you. The key is to not assume that attention or flirting or having fun hooking up is equal to love. It may be, but it is not inherently. So we don't want to give all of the power of our own capacity to feel sexy or have fun⁠—we don't want to give all that power to whoever it is that we're playing that out with. This is something important to sit with, is that you may be having a fantastic experience with someone, and that's great. Just let it play out before you assess whether or not it's a moment or some sort of movement in your life.

Speaking of moment versus movement, this can be a really good time in regards to politics, in regards to rights around body autonomy and women's rights and the rights of people who are not cis men. This can be a really powerful time for that. So, again, it doesn't happen by magic. It doesn't happen because the stars say it happens. It happens because we make it happen. So this is a good time for political action, for activism, and for engagement.

Okay. Now, on the 14th, that Venus sextile to Pluto overlaps with two more transits. The first is a Mercury sextile to Pluto, and the second is a Sun trine to Neptune⁠—just a bunch of fabulous transits. Mercury sextile to Pluto⁠—it deepens our thinking, and it allows us to deal with what might be kind of heavy or sticky content. Again, Pluto governs our flight-or-fight mechanisms. But it has us doing it not from a place of flight-or-fight, not from a place of fear or pressure. So our capacity to really work through information, through our own attitudes, our own assumptions, our own narratives, or through information that we're given, either interpersonally or if you're studying or reading something⁠—there is this capacity that we have to make a great deal of progress, to get in there and make something happen. So that's really cool.

If you need to have conversations with people to say, maybe, "Sorry for what I did during the Eclipse. I didn't mean to do it that way. Maybe I stand by what I said, but I can't stand by the way I said it," Mercury sextile Pluto is great for that. It's great for speaking your truth but also having people hear it. That said, let me throw something at you. If someone asserts a boundary, like they're not ready to hear what you have to say⁠—if somebody asserts a boundary, it's not like shooting your shot to disregard that boundary and try to push through because you have your own agenda. So it's important, if you want other people to trust you, that you respect their boundaries.

It's very hard to sit with, "I need to listen to what this person is telling me. I need to not try to make things better for myself so I don't feel bad." Pay attention to that this week, how you respect other people's boundaries, not just how they respect yours. And this will be supported, my friends, because the Sun is trine to Neptune. These two transits are both exact on the 14th, again, overlapping with that Venus sextile to Pluto. So the Sun trine Neptune can make us a lot more empathetic. It can help us to tap into our generosity of spirit, to not need attention or validation in order to have a sense of who and what we are. Isn't that nice? I feel like that's nice.

And listen. Sun/Scorpio. Neptune/Pisces. So water. We're talking water here. What water represents in astrology, as it does in a lot of various spiritual things, is flow, emotionality, spirituality. So our ability to be emotionally receptive and responsive, spiritually receptive and responsive, is strengthened under a Sun trine to Neptune. And you pair that shit with a Mercury sextile Pluto and a Venus sextile Pluto⁠—oh, we can get out of our own way here. We can really get out of our own way so that we don't need ego or external validation; we don't need to be feeding our greatest fears and survival mechanisms.

So, for those of you who are in deep healing work⁠—you're in deep therapy⁠—these transits are so supportive. If you need a break, if you're going out and having fun, yay. However, if you're in the trenches with your psyche or in some sort of relationship or situation, these transits are incredibly helpful because what they empower us and the people around us to do is the work without all the defenses and all of the need to prove oneself. So I recommend, if you can, carving out time to "dear diary" it. Do whatever it is that helps you to get in contact with yourself.

These transits, because they are easy, because they're lovely⁠, it would be very easy to just spend 100 hours scrolling through social or doing something kind of fun but not especially helpful. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. We don't always have to be healing to the best of our ability. Everyone needs and deserves breaks. And I shouldn't even call it breaks. It's not about breaks. We need and deserve joy and ease and to stare at a wall and to do nothing. It's part of life. It's an important part of life. But if you are engaged in work, these transits are like a lovely sneak surprise. They're kind of like growers, not show-ers, if you know what I mean. So you have to make them work for you in order to get the most out of them, but it doesn't take a lot to make them work for you. It just takes intention, sitting with yourself, doing the damn work.

Now, another way for me to frame this Sun trine to Neptune is that it can be transportive for spiritual and creative endeavors. So, if you are an artist or an esoteric artist, if you work with le woo or any form of the arts, this can, again, be a great time for starting something, engaging with something, that needs your inspiration. These transits can essentially help us tap into our muse, and that is a beautiful thing. It's a little bit of like when the wind hits the sails and you just fucking go. So tap in if you can, because it's really⁠—I don't know. It's kind of fucking lovely.

Now, that brings us to the 15th, where Venus moves into Sagittarius. On the 17th, Mercury will join Venus in Sagittarius because they're just hugging each other lately. They're real close to each other. This shift in energy is really one from, of course, water to fire, from fixed to mutable. So, in more human terms, it is a shift in energy from intensity and the need to kind of tend to the self, to tap into the self, and into having a little more adventure, expanding, putting oneself out there. So it's much more of an extroverted, dynamic transit, the Venus and Mercury in Sagittarius. But I skipped a couple transits in the middle. Okay? Okay.

So, on the 15th, yes, Venus moves into Sagittarius, but it doesn't stop there. It moves into Sadge, and it immediately forms a trine to Jupiter in Pisces. Isn't that fun? Okay. It's fun. The answer is, by the way, yes, it is fun. Venus trine Jupiter is truly lovely. To have Venus sextile to Pluto and trine to Jupiter in a couple days' time span⁠—fucking fabulous. The only thing you want to watch out for is hedonism. So some of you need a little more hedonism, others a little less, if we're being honest. If you have issues with control, with kind of overdoing it when it comes to delicious things, yeah, you gotta watch out⁠—anything delicious, as in shopping, imbibing⁠. That's the only downside that we can see.

Venus trine Jupiter is a transit where you may meet someone. Now, listen. If it's going to have that kind of effect on you⁠—true story⁠—it's going to need to be hitting your chart directly. And the only way it's going to be hitting your chart directly is if you've got something at around 29 degrees of a zodiac sign that's going to be impacted by either Venus or Jupiter, because that's the degree that these two bad boys are at. Venus moves into Sagittarius 10:08 p.m. Pacific Time, and it's exactly trine to Jupiter at 1:36 a.m. Pacific Time.

Venus trine Jupiter⁠—it brings about good feelings. It makes you feel open and optimistic and can make you feel quite happy. The reason why it can bring about romantic connection with others is because you're open to it, because there's an ease and flow of your energy and of their energy, and so it makes connecting feel easier to achieve, and it can give it a little juj, a little je ne sais quoi. And who amongst us couldn't use a little je ne sais quoi?

This transit, again, is another one that is really supportive in helping you to say sorry for what you did during the Eclipse or whatever whenever. This is a supportive transit for mending broken bridges, for truly listening to others and showing up authentically and also generously in an open way. Jupiter is so open. It's associated with luck and optimism and good feelings in many ways. And so this transit can help us to relax. It can help us to chill out or just randomly have just a fucking lovely time.

And also, it can help us to⁠—if you're going shopping to find that perfect thing⁠—again, Jupiter is the gambler, so you don't want to overdo it. But this transit can often represent a time where it's really good to invest, and to invest in yourself. And we want to remember, of course, as spiritual people, that investing in yourself, in order for it to be truly good for your spirit, must be also investing in the world, investing in your community, so not doing it in an individualistic way where it's good for you but "too bad, so sad" for everyone else. If something is truly good for you, it's good for your soul. And if it's good for your soul, that means it's good for others; it's good for the planet.

So okay. So it's good for investing, but that's our caveat. If you've been deep in Eclipse vibes and having a hard time reaching out to people, send a few tender emojis in the direction of people you genuinely care for but you haven't been able to connect with. I'm not saying you should magically be able to pop out of a funk, but again, this transit is really good for making us feel more love, and it makes it easier to send it to others or to receive it from others. If you gotta go to a party or some sort of social event on and around this date, it's going to be fun. So that's cool, right? That's cool.

So Venus trine Jupiter overlaps with, on the 16th, Mercury trine to Jupiter. This surprises no one because on the 15th, Venus moves into Sadge. On the 17th, Mercury moves into Sadge. These two planets, Venus and Mercury, are just⁠—they're snuggling. They're snuggling, which is not uncommon. Mercury trine Jupiter⁠—another fucking fantastic transit. Thank you, Universe. This is a great transit for getting to the truth, for communicating the truth, but also for learning the truth. I have been talking about misinformation and disinformation in the world, and there are larger transits at play that don't magically go away just because this transit is here. But Mercury trine Jupiter tends to coincide with a lovely shot of the truth. And so I definitely am going to be paying attention to the news on and around this date.

And if there's things that you've just been like, "I don't know what's real. I don't know what's not real," this is a good time to try to get to the center of it, to really figure out what's real, what's not. This is a great transit for studying, actually. So, if you are a student or if there's just some sort of project that you really care about, that you need to put your mind into, great transit for that⁠—really good. It's also great for spiritual work because, again, you're open. And when we're open, we're more receptive. And when we're receptive, we are doing the work. That is it. And so this is a great time for all of that.

Travel⁠—so, if you need to make travel plans, even though Mars is Retrograde, it's a great time for making travel plans. If you're starting a trip, again, ditto. Yay. It's going to be a fun trip, probably. It's going to go well. The thing is that Mercury is your mind. It's your attitudes. It's what you say. It's how you listen. And Jupiter is broad-minded, optimistic, expansive. And so we can kind of sort through a lot of details and synthesize them, make sense of them, under this transit. Again, that makes it a really great time to process with people, to talk shit out, because your interactions are likely to go well. And they're likely to go well because everyone's listening and everyone's a little more open and feeling a little less locked into their defenses and their shit feelings, basically.

If a friendship begins, if you meet someone new and you're like, "Oh, this is fun. I feel like I could be friends with this person," during this transit, that's a big yay. It's a yay for you. It's a yay for them. This is a really great time for those kinds of connections. And if you're like, "Oh my God, but I started flirting with somebody on this date. What does that mean?" it just means that that part of the connection looks strong. It doesn't mean any other part doesn't look strong, but that part of the connection looks strong. And for anyone who's been in a long-term relationship, you know that friendship is a huge part of being with someone for a long period of time. If you're looking for something serious, you need a friendship in there. You need that part.

Okay. So Mercury trine Jupiter⁠—fabulous transit. Open-minded. Next, we go to the 18th⁠. We're jumping over the 17th⁠, where Mercury ingresses into Sadge. And on the 18th, the Sun sextiles Pluto, another gorgeous transit. The Sun trines Neptune and sextiles Pluto this week? How did we get so lucky? Again, you might not be feeling super lucky, or you may, depending on your chart, depending on your circumstances. But there is value in these gorgeous transits for all of us regardless of our situation. With the "easy" transits, the sextiles and the trines, which is all I'm talking about so far today, they're not as demanding. They're not as demanding. They don't force us to pay attention as much.

So it's on us to make use of these transits. I know I said that earlier, but I feel like it bears repeating. I do, so I did it. Okay. Back to the Sun. The Sun is sextile to Pluto on the 18th, and this transit is, again, another really great transit. This is where our sense of self, our identity⁠—the Sun⁠—is able to engage with, again, our survival mechanisms, our flight-or-fight mechanisms⁠—Pluto⁠—in a way that is effective, that works, so it doesn't lock us up into, "I am this way. I've always been this way, and things are always going to stay this way." That's a very locked-up Solar attitude.

With a Sun sextile to Pluto, what we're able to do more easily is access, "This is who I am. This is how I've been," so we're not as locked into our identity based on what has happened so far in our lives and who we've been so far in our lives. We can open up to what is possible moving forward. This can intensify or strengthen our capacity to get shit done, to feel aligned with ourselves, which in turn increases our capacity for success, which is kind of cool, right? When we're dealing with sextiles or trines to Pluto, but especially sextiles to Pluto, what can happen is that we are able to harness the compulsiveness and intensity of Pluto into something that we can actually work with so that the energies aren't so overwhelming that we feel like we're kind of buckling under the pressure, which can often happen with difficult Pluto transits.

With these more supportive transits, we're still dealing with our shit, but we're dealing with our shit. It's working. There's something kind of magnetic about this transit. So, if it's hitting your birth chart personally, you may attract some really favorable experience. And again, to figure out how it's hitting your birth chart, we need to look at the exact degrees of the transit. And in this case, we've got the Sun at 26 degrees and 31 minutes of Scorpio and Pluto at 26 degrees and 31 minutes of Capricorn.

So Sun sextile Pluto can expand our influence if the transit is hitting you specifically, which is a really great thing, usually. Not always, obviously, but in this context, yes, very much so. And then, finally, the thing I'll tell you about this transit is that whenever Pluto is involved⁠—so this goes for all the Pluto transits, but especially the Sun sextile to Pluto that we're having this week⁠—it helps us to get to the bottom of shit. It helps us to get to the heart of the matter. And so we have been going through a lot collectively, socially, and certainly personally. We've been going through a lot. And this week, the transits⁠—in particular this one, but the transits to Pluto⁠—are all supporting us in kind of making sense of it, of, again, getting to the heart of the matter and doing it not through trauma and trials, but instead by being present and honestly engaging with ourselves or our situation⁠—hopefully both. So this is great energy to be harnessed, my friends.

And that brings us to, of course, the bummer news of the week. Of course, there's bummer news. I mean, is this not life? Okay. So you know Mars is Retrograde. We've been talking about it. Mars Retrograde is a sticky, tricky transit. Mars does not Retrograde frequently, and when it does, it can be kind of complicated. So it is valuable to know where Gemini, the zodiac sign of Gemini, falls in your birth chart so you'll know what part of your birth chart is being lit up by the Mars Retrograde cycle.

Bold and impulsive action driven by passion primarily or alone is not well starred during a Mars Retrograde. And this is tricky because that's what Mars does. Mars is all about fornicating and fighting. It's all about ambition and assertion and embodiment. And when it's Retrograde, Mars follows the same role of re's that Mercury Retrograde does. The rule of re's is to reflect so that you can reassess, realign, recalibrate. And so it's really important that we take time to connect or reconnect with our Martian energies. It's around our sexualities, around our embodiment in general, around anger and assertion and ambition⁠—just as a small list. There's a much larger list out there, but there it is to start with.

And so dealing with this Mars Retrograde may, for many, many people, feel like being fucking exhausted, just being easily demoralized, not having the same physical or even psychological energy that you usually have. And if that's the case for you, I want to say there is a reason for it. It's because we are not meant to always go, go, go. Sometimes we need to kind of have a seat. Have a seat and sit with our feelings, our ambitions, our passions⁠—reflect on them, because the process of reflecting on those things allows us to make sure that we're not acting in a misaligned way out of our egos, that we're not beating the drum to something that was at one time really authentic for you but isn't any longer, or maybe was never authentic for you. And BTWs, just a fun fact, you know that little phrase, the expression "beating the drum"⁠—drums are governed by Mars. I thought that's kind of cool. It's kind of cool.

Anyways, if you have a history of abuse, either being an abuser or being abused, Mars Retrogrades can be particularly useful and triggering in equal measure. We are meant to deal with our shit in life, and we can't always do it, nor should we always do it. But we are meant in the arc of life to deal with our shit. And so these Retrogrades to Mars are a time when we are meant to. And if you have dealt with the worst parts of Mars, which are around abuse and violence and rage and punishment and all this kind of heavy shit, then the Retrograde can really kick that stuff up for you. It doesn't mean those things will reoccur in your life, but⁠—I mean, it can, but it doesn't mean that. But it does mean we're meant to be coping with those things.

Mars is not about our psychology. Of course, everything is interconnected, but Mars is about our bodies, our embodiment. And this is the fucking thing about the body. Your body is the only thing that is with you for 100 percent of your experiences from birth to death⁠—the body. So much of our lived experience, we lose track of it psychologically. We don't have it integrated emotionally. We're not there spiritually, or we're overwhelmed spiritually, or whatever it is. But it's all in the damn body. And so Mars Retrograde is a powerful time⁠—not an easy time, but a powerful time⁠—for tapping into your body or tapping back into your body in ways that are safe and supportive. That's the move, safe and supportive, as much as possible. And sometimes, depending on your experience, safe and supportive is not on the menu. So you gotta work with that.

When I'm speaking in these kind of broad terms about the transits⁠/I cannot tailor this individually⁠, I want to acknowledge that, because a lot of different people have a lot of different experiences. You need to kind of take this broad astrological advice and perspective and apply it to your circumstances. But know this, that Mars Retrograde is a time when we are meant to deal with issues related to the body. That is real. And you may have lost track of this in my little spiel here, but I am here to talk to you about a transit in the Mars Retrograde, which is the Mars square to Neptune.

Now, this Mars square to Neptune is the transit to talk about for this Mars Retrograde because in the Retroshade on October 11th, Mars was square to Neptune. It is square to Neptune again on the 19th, and then we're going to feel it another time in 2023. So there's going to be a lot of this energy, and Mars square to Neptune is, I believe, quite a difficult transit. It is quite a difficult transit because no two planets are more different than Mars and Neptune. No two planets have such different motivations than Mars and Neptune. That's saying something to us as we are going through a Saturn/Uranus square, which is also some big differences there.

But Neptune is associated with spirituality. Neptune does not have individualistic goals. It is not driven by ego at all. In fact, Neptune is transcendence of ego. That's its ambition, anyways. Its only ambition is to be interconnected, whole, and free. Neptune is not about the body at all. Neptune is deeply spiritual, which is not to say that the body is not a spiritual vehicle, because it is. But Neptune is antithetical to material⁠, material anything⁠—materialism, material embodiment. People who have strong Neptune stuff in their birth chart will often have a hard time being in the body because it's so uncomfortable for Neptune. And so, when Mars and Neptune form a square, we can be particularly uncomfortable in the body. But there's a reason why. It's because we are meant to investigate meaning. Motivation can be parts of our gender, can be our relationship to our ego, to a sense of entitlement.

Entitlement and ego are not bad things. Entitlement and ego, when they are too great or too small, are both not great things. But they're really important parts of the human condition and the human experience, so we don't want to demonize them. We want balance. There are so many things that we are entitled to. When Mars forms a square to Neptune, it gets confusing. It gets overwhelming. And if you already have confusion and overwhelming feelings around this stuff, it intensifies it.

What this transit is really powerful for helping us in doing is excavating purpose and meaning through our spirituality and our bodies, not abandoning either/or, but instead bringing them both along. This is an important time for reflecting on our ambitions, what motivates you, and what is the energy with which you approach the things that you're passionate about, that you're actively engaged in. This is very, very important stuff to be asking, and oftentimes, we're not asking ourselves those questions. We're trying to prove ourselves, but why? To who? To what end?

Mars Retrograde is a great time for reassessing that. If you can figure out where Gemini falls in your birth chart, you will have a much easier time of knowing what part of your life is being activated around those things. Mars is at 22 degrees and 42 minutes of Gemini. Neptune is, of course, at 22 degrees and 42 minutes of Pisces. So that gives you a sense of where Mars is right now and where it might fall in your birth chart. Now, Mars governs, as I said, fornicating and fighting. And so Mars Retrograde is often a time where we see in public, as well as in our personal lives, big themes around sex and sexuality and violence emerging. And in particular, Mars is the little man symbol, conventionally used as a man symbol when it's not being used in astrology. And it governs masculinity, maleness⁠—can govern men, but whatever. Gender⁠—it's a drag. So we'll just say masculinity and maleness.

This can coincide with men feeling like they're running out of power and acting out of entitlement in an unhealthy way. This is in particular important for us to look at in the context of religious extremism, which is already being triggered by Jupiter's retrograding back into Pisces. But because Neptune is so spiritual, it is associated with religiosity, spirituality. So we're talking about culty stuff like QAnon, and we're talking about more conventional religions as well, and kind of everything in between. And I will say for the damn record, we here at Ghost of a Podcast Industries⁠—everyone who is listening to an astrology podcast is in between. We're in the mix.

So what we want to make sure that we are doing is not emboldening ourselves to act in ways that are inherently selfish or cruel to others or ourselves because of some bolstered spiritual belief. We want to make sure that we're tapping into the best parts of Neptune, where we are able to see the value in all living beings and we are able to remember that we are all cousins one way or another. We don't all have to get along. We don't all have to like each other. But we are all cousins.

And Mars⁠—so angry, so entitled, yes, but also passionate, capable, brave. So we want to boldly love. We want to boldly interrogate the ways in which we may be a little up in the clouds or not reality-based. We want to make sure that we are not giving away our power to somebody who's making you some sort of promises that they're going to take away all your pain or some shit like that. We want to make sure that we are doing the work, basically, doing the damn work.

Mars Retrograde wants us to contemplate. Mars square to Neptune wants us to contemplate⁠—not to contemplate in a way that is narrative-based. I'm not talking about thinking about your story and coming up with a new story or adding a new chapter. No. What I'm talking about is sitting with and reflecting, being in a state of receptivity so that you are not trying to direct this investigation, but instead you are open to receiving what is, to allowing things to reveal themselves to you. Easier said than done, but that is the damn work.

Now, I will say all this great stuff I said to you all week long about transits being super helpful for your relationships⁠—it's all true. But this fucking transit, this Mars square to Neptune, is kind of a snake in the grass because what it does⁠—and again, it's got this large scope of influence. It's exact on the 19th, but it has this very large scope of influence throughout the Mars Retrograde. So what this transit does is it can make you paranoid. It can make you possessive. It can make you angry at the world, and if your world is centered around particular relationships, then at specific people. It can muddle your motivations. It can muddle your entitlement. And that can come across as aggressive or passive aggressive. It can come across as underhanded behaviors.

Now, maybe you would never do such things; you are perfect. However, you live in a world full of people, and we all fuck up. We all make mistakes. We all have weak spots. And so other people may act in ways that are underhanded or bullshitty. Now, for whatever it's worth, we don't generally see things work out well for people when they take action during a Mars square to Neptune, so not a great time for big business venture. Not a great time for new beginnings. As a fun fact, Elon musk bought Twitter during a Venus/Neptune transit. That was obviously a terrible fucking choice and one that I have been really enjoying play out in public.

But the thing about this transit is, yeah, don't start new projects. Don't start new businesses this week and, if you can, during the Mars Retrograde. I mean, listen. You gotta live your fucking life. You gotta do your thing, gotta do what you gotta do. However, it's not great. But here on the flip side of that is, if people act out and try to pull bullshit on this transit, they're not likely to succeed. Even if it looks like they are in the short term, they're not likely to in the long term. So that's kind of cool. The key here is to not allow the fantastical part of Neptune, the part of Neptune that can kind of imagine anything⁠—to not allow that to become self-harm. And it can.

So, again, if you find you are demoralized or you are exhausted or you are just in a paranoid frame of mind, this is not the time to figure shit out. This is not the time to process with anyone. Even though all those lovely transits are happening, this is not the time. So you need to check in with yourself⁠—rule of re's. You want to reflect to make sure that you're in the right place, to take whatever action it is that you are feeling you must take or you feel called to take. We don't want to act from a disembodied place, because it's not going to work out well.

Now, I will share as a hot aside⁠—is it an aside? We're going to call it a hot aside. You can't sign up for it yet, but here's a little save-the-date. I'm going to teach manifestation. I have taught manifestation a bunch of times in person in in-person classes, but I've never done a webinar on it. I'm going to teach manifestation for a messy world. This is not your toxic individuality-oriented manifestation class. This webinar will help for creating a practice that generates clarity both within and without. That's the goal, anyways⁠—well-timed, I think, for the Mars Retrograde. But it's Mars Retrograde, so I could be wrong. Save the date, December 11th. I think it's going to be around 11:00 a.m. Pacific Time. If your time zone doesn't make that work for you, don't worry. You don't have to attend live. All the webinars that I do, once you get a ticket, you get the recording so you can watch it anytime. So save the damn date. Hopefully, tickets will go on sale this week, but it might not be till next week because Mars Retrograde. Am I right?

Okay. Let me run through the transits one more time in case you're taking notes. On the 13th, we have Venus sextile to Pluto. On the 14th, Mercury is exactly sextile to Pluto, and the Sun is trine to Neptune. On the 15th, Venus ingresses into Sagittarius, and it trines Jupiter earlier in the day. On the 16th, Mercury trines Jupiter. On the 17th, Mercury ingresses into Sagittarius as well. On the 18th, we have the Sun sextile to Pluto, which is exact. And on the 19th, Mars Retrograde forms a square to Neptune. And that's all, folks.

I thank you so much for joining me for Ghost of a Podcast this week and every week. It is my love letter to you. I really love making this podcast. And if you get value from it, please do subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast because I know it's such a small, weird, stupid thing, but it does make a big difference for independent shows like my own. Take good care of yourself and others this week, and I will talk to you next week. Buh-bye.