Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

The Indian Child Welfare Act, or ICWA, was enacted in 1978 as a much-needed reform on the practices that separated Native children from their families, and it is now under attack. On November 9th, the very conservative Supreme Court met to discuss whether to overturn the ICWA, which would be a devastating blow to tribal communities, Native children, and families. You can help by amplifying Native voices on social media and signing the petition to protect the ICWA. Use Resistbot by texting "sign PCCPGW" to Resistbot at 50409. Don't worry. This is in show notes. You can copy and paste it there. You can use this tool to urge your elected officials to act. Learn more about those issues and ways to help at nicwa.org.

Jessica: Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast.

Guest: Thank you.

Jessica: What would you like a reading about?

Guest: Well, my personal growth, I feel like, is at a standstill because I'm too exhausted to put in the work. And I feel like it's not just a funk or a bad day or whatever. I feel like there's something different going on with me now because from the past, I've always put in the work and I've done it, and I'm a happy spirit. I'm not so down, but down as in like, "What's the point if I put in the work? Because something's going to happen again," because I know that this is supposed to be like my journey just based on things I've read about, my own chart and things like that or other readings I've gotten. And I'm just tired. And I feel like I'm missing something. Why am I not putting in the work? I know I'm not lazy. And I'm feeling comfortable now. Now I'm feeling comfortable not putting in the work. So what if I don't put in the work? What does that look like?

Jessica: Okay. So this is a great question, but I'm going to⁠—

Guest: It's very complicated.

Jessica: It's deceptively simple and complicated. So I want to ask, is there something in your life either broadly or specifically that you're referring to around putting in the work?

Guest: Yes. So particularly around romantic relationships. So I've been recently, quote unquote, divorced. Was married to a man for a few years, but we got divorced and it was good. It was mutual, and I was happy to be free. I was ready to start and do my thing. And then COVID hit, and then now I'm just still⁠—I'm just like⁠—I don't know. So, basically, it's around my divorce specifically and moving on. It's like dating⁠—I don't even⁠—it is kind of gross to think about. And even socially, I'm just tired. And it's not like I want to get back with my ex or anything. It's just the whole idea of doing it again, and even if it works out or it doesn't work out, it's just the whole idea of doing it again.

Jessica: So what you're talking about is getting to know people and build relationships romantically but also, it sounds like, with friends.

Guest: Yeah, specifically romantically. I mean, friends, yeah, also. So, when I got divorced, I moved at the same time. It was happening at the same time. And so there's just a lot of change, and then COVID. So it's like I don't have a community or close people around me. The phone and everything⁠—you know, I call my friends all the time, but it's a little different in person. So…

Jessica: So you moved states?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So I'm just making sure. I'm going to lay-of-the-land the situation. You got divorced from somebody you were with for a couple years.

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: You moved states.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: You don't have friends in person where you're living?

Guest: I do have friends, but like at different life stages.

Jessica: Okay.

Guest: My friends are married with kids, and they're still my friends. It's just different.

Jessica: Totally, 100 percent different.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. You were born January 27th, 1988, 12:52 p.m. in Woodland, California. Do you want to be married?

Guest: Okay. What a loaded question.

Jessica: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Guest: So okay. I feel like, at this point, yeah. But looking back, after I got divorced and everything, I was like, "I don't know if marriage is for me," and stuff like that. So it's kind of like, am I lonely? Do I just need more community? Is that why I'm like, "I want a partner," or what? I think, yes, I do want to be married, but I don't want that label to hinder things. And I'm kind of in a conservative area, and it's just kind of the label, like, "We're married, so blah, blah, blah." I don't want that title to ruin things, which I feel like maybe it did in the past.

Jessica: Yeah. I respect you. And do you want kids?

Guest: I do want kids, which⁠—that is a new development, which is, "Am I lonely, or do I actually want kids?"

Jessica: Okay. This is a beautiful mess, and I love it. Let's dig in.

Guest: Thank you. Yes.

Jessica: You're welcome. So there's a lot going on in town. There's a lot going on in town. Let me actually have you say your full name out loud.

Guest: [redacted]

Jessica: And that's your maiden name, right? It's not your ex's name?

Guest: Not my ex's name. I never changed it.

Jessica: Good. Good on you. Okay. Hold on. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Are your parents still together?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Do you like their marriage?

Guest: Sure.

Jessica: You would like something like what they have?

Guest: Okay. Well⁠—

Jessica: Correct.

Guest: Yes. On the surface, yeah.

Jessica: On the surface, but what's the surface? The surface is a social media post. It's not a reality. Would you want what they have?

Guest: Well, I don't like their personalities, but I like what they have as in they're committed, okay? Let's just say that.

Jessica: Okay. So you're saying a lot of things, and you're also not really saying the things is what I'm seeing. So, when I ask do you like your parents' marriage, you say yes, on the surface. You like that they're committed.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And I believe you. I believe that you like that they have both decided, "This is my person, hell or high water. This is my person." And that part you like. But the day-to-day reality of their marriage, do you like that?

Guest: No, I don't like that.

Jessica: Correct.

Guest: I don't like their communication with each other. They both avoid conflict, and I definitely do not. Fight or flight? I'm fighting.

Jessica: Yeah. That's right. You've got this beautiful Mars opposition to your Ascendant, who is also square to your Venus. Yeah. You're not scared of fighting. Fighting is not your struggle in life.

Guest: No, definitely not.

Jessica: You're cool with fighting. The thing that I see that you're⁠—oh goodness. This is complex because part of what I'm hearing in your question is that you haven't decided that it's okay or doable to have what you want, and on top of it, you haven't fully decided or explored what you want. There's conventional marriage, which is⁠—people call it settling down, which is, quite frankly, not for you. And I feel like there's nothing wrong with settling down, but I just don't like either settling or going down. That just feels like a huge boner killer to me personally. So I'm with you on that.

So there's being partnered, and there's being married. And when you're married, hopefully you're also partnered, but you can be partnered and not married, because when you get married, you turn someone into family. And you become their family, which is really wonderful and magical and romantic to some people, and to other people, in particular with Uranus in the seventh house sometimes, like you have, it feels like, "Well, what am I supposed to do with my brother? What am I supposed to do with my cousin? Now I'm just stuck. I've just got to do what I'm supposed to do," instead of this dynamic, "I am choosing this person today. He's choosing me today," so even when you want to rip his face off or you're bored or whatever it is, you're still like, "Yeah, but I don't want to leave," instead of, "I have to do this for the rest of my life," which is, I'm guessing, what came up for you during your marriage.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So I am not of the mind that marriage is necessary for almost anything. I mean, God forbid someone gets into an accident. It's really helpful to be married if you want to get in the hospital room. Other than that, I don't actually think there's a lot of value to marriage unless you're somebody who likes it. Not to shit on something people like, but there's no real reason to get married anymore.

Guest: I agree. Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. So, if we agree⁠—

Guest: We agree.

Jessica: We agree. Okay.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So, if we agree, then I want to say the reason why you're not working on this is because you don't want this. And it doesn't mean you don't want a bestie who you want to have sex with and be partnered with. But it does mean that you haven't given yourself permission to want something meaningfully different⁠—not radically different on the outside, but meaningfully different on the inside⁠—because you don't think it's possible or because you don't⁠—because⁠—I don't know. I keep on just seeing a block around it.

There's this way that you have, on your internal landscape, these really wide, vast open spaces where you're like, "Anything goes." And then you have these massive drawbridges. You're just like, "Nope. We don't go there. We don't go here." You have rules, basically. And when I look at what you're articulating to me around you don't want to do the work⁠—you're just like, "What's the point?"⁠—it's because you haven't decided to just open some of those drawbridges to say, "I can have something that is more spacious and better for me." So, first of all, does that make sense to you? Does that feel right?

Guest: So, when you say drawbridges, you're referring to just what I think about commitment or something like that? Is it like a thought?

Jessica: I would say it's like you have these⁠—so it's a great question because it's like it's a visual that I'm seeing psychically. So I think what I'm really seeing is showing me that you have parts of yourself that you have sectioned off from the rest of yourself. So the part of you that's like, "I want to be partnered. I don't want to be alone forever," that's clear. That's in a wide-open space. Anyone can access this space. But the part of you that's like, "I do not want to have to live in a marriage with a man every day for the rest of my life," that is on the other side of a drawbridge, which is on the other side of a moat, and it's in a castle, and it's somewhere in a room. You know it's there, but it's very hard for you to access it.

Guest: Right. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Jessica: Does that make sense?

Guest: Yeah, it makes sense.

Jessica: This is the thing. You and anyone who was born in the late 1980s, you have this Saturn/Uranus conjunction in Sadge. And in your chart, it's in the seventh house, the place of partnership and close relationships. This conjunction is just like, "I want commitment. I want stability." The second you get it, you're like, "I'm fucking trapped. How do I be free?"

Guest: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: And then you're free, and you're like, "Am I going to be alone forever?"

Guest: Yeah. I'm like, "Wait. What happened?

Jessica: Yeah. You're like, "This is too much freedom. I don't know what to do with it." So it's a very tricky thing. And some astrologers, some people, might look at that and be like, "All right. So you're going to have a lot of work to do, and you're screwed." I am not one of those people, though. The way I see it is you need to figure out what kind of security feels like safety versus being in a bank or being in an institution. Where are the boundaries of that for you? And how much freedom do you need? How do you actually identify freedom in a relationship? When I look at your chart, I think you need a partnership with somebody who's not always kind of on your jock, like trying to figure out what you're thinking all the time, because one of the ways that you need freedom is you just need to be in your own head a fair amount.

Guest: Totally. Yeah. Yes.

Jessica: Another thing is you really like taking adventures. Whether it's in town or on vacation⁠—

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: ⁠—you like doing weird shit. And then, sometimes, you really, really don't.

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: He needs to be down. He needs to be the kind of person who will sometimes try to drag you on an adventure and who will let you drag him on an adventure, and then at other times, just be couch potato USA. You like those two things.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: It's not like constant adventure, constant partying for you, correct?

Guest: Right. That's correct.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. We are naming what you like. And in old-school astrology⁠—so, basically, astrology that would apply to us here in the West before the 1970s, so most of human history⁠—that means you're screwed; good luck finding a man who's going to give you all that. But it's 20-fucking-22. 2022.

Guest: Yes. 2022.

Jessica: 2022. In the Lord's year, 2022, we can have so many things. A big part of having what you want in relationships is giving yourself permission to want it to start with as a foundation. And that's the struggle that you wrote to me with because you're just like, "I don't fucking want to do this shit. I don't want to have small talk, to do what? Small talk to have a boyfriend? To do what?" So, first of all, I'm going to give you advice, but I want to be really clear. I don't think you need to be dating right now. You just got out of a marriage. Listen. If it was you got out of the marriage two years ago and it wasn't COVID, I might have different things to say. But why so many of us are holding ourselves to expectations of regular life when we are not in regular life⁠—it's just unkind to the self, right?

Guest: Yeah. You're right.

Jessica: So it's not the same. We've been going through this mass trauma, and it has interrupted and kind of inserted itself into whatever grief you would have gone through, whatever freedom you would have gotten to play with. It's just not normal times. So I'm not saying go out and date, but I am going to give you dating advice.

Guest: Sure.

Jessica: Okay. So, first of all, you are the boss. It's very important to remember that you are the boss of your own fucking life. And so the point of going on a date⁠—you get to decide the point of going on a date. The point of going on a date can be to experiment with life experiences. That's fine. It can be to see if you want a friend or a hookup or somebody to actually get to know. You get to decide. Do you have casual sex when you're single?

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. You're not well suited to it.

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. It's a shame because⁠—

Guest: I know. I wish.

Jessica: ⁠—physically, you are.

Guest: I know.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. You've got the body of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of person⁠—

Guest: Right.

Jessica: ⁠—but the temperament of a fall-in-love-with⁠—

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: ⁠—good intimacy⁠—yeah. It's terrible. I'm so sorry.

Guest: I know, and thank you.

Jessica: You're welcome. You're welcome. So it's very important that if you do just need to get an itch scratched that you pick a total dodo bird that you don't want to be with. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that for you. I think that's something you can do once with somebody who you know you do not want to have a conversation with.

Guest: Gotcha.

Jessica: So I just want to throw that in the mix because you get to do whatever the fuck you want to do. And you mentioned that you are living in a kind of conservative place.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And conservative in the U.S. in 2022 means a lot, right?

Guest: I know. Yeah.

Jessica: It's a big deal. So it does shrink your already shrunk options with dating men, right?

Guest: Yeah. Right.

Jessica: So, realistically, when you go on dates, I think it's important that you choose the date. Do you like it when guys choose the dates?

Guest: You mean what to do on the date?

Jessica: Correct. Correct.

Guest: I don't really have a preference if I like or don't like, I guess.

Jessica: Okay. Then I'm going to give you this advice: you choose the damn date. Again, you are the boss. The reason why I'm giving you this advice is twofold. One is you are pushy, yeah?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So he needs to get to know that right away. If he doesn't like that, great; he's not for you. If he likes that, fabulous. The other thing is it needs to be a little atypical. It cannot be a drink. It cannot be like a walk and an ice cream cone.

Guest: No movie.

Jessica: No movie. None of that.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: It has to be something slightly adventurous and random.

Guest: Fun.

Jessica: Exactly. Random is your vibe. So if he's like, "Ew, this is random," great. He's not for you. Stop wasting your time.

Guest: Right. Okay.

Jessica: And if he's like, "This is cool. Let me bring you to this other cool thing I know"⁠—

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: ⁠—now we can see if there's chemistry, if he's going to be potentially a friend⁠. And you have male friends, correct?

Guest: Yes, I do.

Jessica: Yeah. Guys are easy for you, it looks like.

Guest: Yeah. They are. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Mars in the seventh house⁠—

Guest: Either way, yeah, friends or not.

Jessica: Yeah. You can kind of hang out with dudes.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So, for you, dating may be a way to make friends, and it may be a way for you to meet someone and develop something. Either is fine. But I think it's important, again, that you go in as the boss of your own situation to realize you are a unique individual, and this is how you do shit, and this is what works for you.

Guest: Yeah. Okay.

Jessica: And as I say this, I can already see a little something opening up because you slipped into this conventional, "I don't want to date someone and then fucking marry him, and then⁠—just like it's"⁠—

Guest: Yes. That is not the intention for me dating, which⁠—

Jessica: Correct.

Guest: ⁠—I get what you're saying. And I do feel a little bit of the light that you're saying, a little open in here.

Jessica: Good. Okay. Good, because here's the thing. I am personally forever fianced.

Guest: Nice.

Jessica: And I'm sharing this with you because there are more than one way of doing anything. Every ten years, I get a new ring.

Guest: Oh. You really do?

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah.

Guest: Oh, that's great.

Jessica: Thank you.

Guest: See, that's something that would totally work for me.

Jessica: Correct. Every time we've talked about getting married⁠—not for romantic reasons; for⁠—again, it's like, "Oh shit. What if we"⁠—

Guest: Taxes.

Jessica: Yeah. What if one of us gets sick or whatever? I always want to barf, and I think, "Oh, I don't think I can be in this relationship." But then, the rest of the time, I'm happy as a goddamn clam, if clams are in fact happy. I'm very happy. So, again, I just want to share with you there are other ways of being partnered and committed and safe but also free, because for me, fianced⁠—I know most people are like, "Fianced is like 20 minutes before the wedding." For me, fianced is committed, romantic, and it's possibility. I just want to share it with you. You can choose, if you meet somebody who's worth considering living with⁠—because that's a big thing for you⁠—

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: ⁠—you can choose to be fianced forever. You get to do your relationship however the fuck you want. And this is what's been in your way, this feeling of, "This is how life is. I have to do these things. I don't want to."

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And the truth is⁠—so don't if you don't want to. Investigate that. So okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. There's something else here, which is small talk. Not your favorite, eh?

Guest: Yeah. I mean, my energy⁠—I'm just kind of like, "Okay." I can do small talk. It's fine. I can do it. It's just the value in it⁠—it's like, okay. I like to develop things further than small talk, even if it's people on my soccer team. It's like, "Okay. We're together a few times a week for a whole season, and I don't even know your last name," or whatever. You know? It's just kind of⁠—

Jessica: Totally.

Guest: So that's what small talk is kind of like⁠—eh.

Jessica: Okay. So, because of that, if you're going on dates, it's important that you go prepared to have real conversations with these guys. And a lot of guys don't like that, and all of those guys are not for you.

Guest: Totally.

Jessica: And this is the thing. You don't need to try. You don't need to try ever; you don't need to try now. But I think that this "I don't want to try" kind of vibe you've been running is because you have been setting your sights on the wrong goal for you⁠—the wrong goal for you. And the truth is if you study astrology, a lot of astrology texts will give you a really shitty, scary reading for the seventh house that you have. You've got a Mars in there. You've got Saturn and Uranus and Neptune in there. But that's because a lot of astrology was created by men, and it was created for times where women didn't have agency⁠—economic agency, body autonomy, all these things. And that is not today. I mean, knock on wood. We're working our best.

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: Right. But now you actually have the capacity to have a romantic, committed relationship that is spacious, where you are equal partners. Does that mean you're going to have to work harder to find the right guy for you? Fuck yeah, it does. But whatever. If you want a partner, you only need one. You don't need five. You don't need three. You need one. And so the work becomes giving yourself permission to want what you want so that the right one can match with you because you're not pretending to want something that you absolutely know you don't want now that you've been married. You don't want it. I agree completely you don't want it.

I'm going to add one more thing to it. I don't know that you like living with guys.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And there is nothing wrong with that. If you can be forever fianced, you can also have separate bedrooms and live together.

Guest: Yeah. That's a thought I've had multiple times. Yeah.

Jessica: That's a joy. That's a joy. The idea that we should sleep in the same bed with the same person forevermore is also torture to me. I'm just like, "Why? Why?" I mean, there's reasons, like maybe you can't afford a space that provides for two bedrooms. That's a great reason why. To me, that's the only reason. But some people love that shit. If you're not someone who loves that shit, don't judge yourself. Just, again, I would say open it up. And I gotta say⁠—hold on for a moment. Say your full name out loud again.

Guest: [redacted]

Jessica: What's your mom's maiden last name?

Guest: [redacted]

Jessica: Better. Better, better, better. Okay. You're a [redacted]. Okay. Is your mom happy?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah?

Guest: I believe she's happy.

Jessica: Interesting.

Guest: Well, define happy.

Jessica: Okay. I would say that your mother probably did what you and I are talking about. She set goals that she thought she was supposed to set, that she thought were achievable, and she has achieved those goals. I don't know that she gave herself, early in her life, permission to set the real goals that are true for her. Does that make sense?

Guest: Yeah. And I have read some things similar to what you're saying about that about my mom that maybe I've⁠—I don't know⁠—got from her or something, or that I'm taking on or something.

Jessica: Yeah. I mean, you're not the first woman in your matrilineage to want something different than what she's supposed to want.

Guest: I love that you just said it like that. Thank you so much.

Jessica: Good. It is my pleasure. And that makes it a little easier for you to choose it, doesn't it?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Because you've seen what the women in your matrilineage have chosen and how it has worked, but do you want a life that works? That's fine, but do you want fine? You've got a lot of Aquarius in you. Your Moon and Rising are in Gemini. Your Sun, Midheaven, and Mercury are all in Aquarius. All this air makes you think, "Why can't I do it different? Why can't I have my life be my own?" And I concur. Your life can be your own, but you have to be bold enough to identify it and then choose it. We say it like you have to be bold enough to choose it, but how do you choose something that you haven't allowed yourself to identify?

Guest: Yes. I love what you're saying, and I get it. But at the same time, I'm so indecisive, so I'm like, "Okay. What if I identify it and then I'm like, 'But what if⁠—what'"⁠—but not even just "What if? What if?" I'm like, but I like so many other things that it's hard for me to pinpoint and identify and choose because my attention⁠—I'm kind of like, "Okay. I really liked something for this amount of time," and then I'm like, "Well, now it's I really like this topic."

Just as an example, I'm a photographer right now, and I studied photojournalism and I've worked in the news and all that stuff, and I really like photojournalism and just investigating the truth and things like that, like for real. And now I'm just a photographer, portrait photographer, and it's fine, fine, fine. But I mean, it's just because I can do it and it's easy for me. But I've been really contemplating going to grad school and studying psychology, and it's so interesting to me, but I'm like, "Okay. What if I start study"⁠—it's just⁠—

Jessica: Okay.

Guest: ⁠—[crosstalk] like pinpointing and identifying. Yeah.

Jessica: I see. Okay. So let me interrupt. You're saying that you're indecisive.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: But what I'm hearing you say is you want what you want until it evolves, and then you want something else.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: That's not indecisive.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: That's evolving.

Guest: Okay. Cool.

Jessica: Yeah. That's a different thing. So, when we use your family as a template, people choose a thing, stay with a thing; that's the thing. Right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: I'm imagining that's a lot of your social world as well.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: But you don't get this birth chart and just be like, "Oh-de-do, I like Cheerios. That's the cereal I eat every day." That's just not who you are.

Guest: Correct. Okay. Yeah.

Jessica: So I want to just have you kind of sit with it. Explore⁠—off of our call, in a different moment⁠—is it that you're indecisive or that you don't stay with things forever/you haven't found the things that you're staying with forever? Because the truth is, from what I'm seeing, the careers that you've had have been good for you while they were good for you, and then when they stopped being good for you, you changed. Is that right?

Guest: Yeah. That's right.

Jessica: That's not indecision.

Guest: Okay

Jessica: That's actually decisiveness. The part that is indecisive is it's like you have a part of you that's like, "If I change, is that bad? Is it okay? Is it okay to want what I want?" So the difference between me talking about my forever fiancé and you being like, "Well, shit, I could do that," is just that I give myself permission. That's the only difference between me and you on that topic, is that I'm like, "Yeah. No problem. Who cares?" And you're like, "Everyone will care. Maybe it's a problem. If I'm choosing this, am I not choosing that?"

And the truth of the matter is you can start to study psychology while you continue to do portrait photography and then take a couple classes and be like, "This is a pass for me. Thank you." Or you might be like, "Fuck yeah." And you might be able to see, as you grow up and grow older and grow into yourself, that all of the things you've done are actually a perfect foundation for a career in psychology because what you've done is listen to people's nonverbal communication. You've figured out how to capture something that is true. And to be a good photographer is to be a good listener; is it not?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Psychology⁠—I mean, it makes sense in your chart. The thing that wouldn't work for you, I imagine, is working in a hospital setting or working in a setting⁠—

Guest: Oh. No. I've already worked in a hospital photography-wise. No, no.

Jessica: Never.

Guest: Never.

Jessica: Institutions aren't great for you. You need to be free and out in the world.

Guest: Yes, and outside.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. So the outside part, as a psychologist⁠—big, fat question mark. Here, I'm going to share something with you. And I want to hold this separate from the indecision conversation because the indecision, I think⁠—I'm looking at your birth chart. I am not seeing much in the way of indecision.

Guest: Okay. That's good.

Jessica: I'm seeing changeability.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: That's different.

Guest: Yeah. It's different. Now I know. Now I know it's different.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. Okay. So the other thing I want to share is, when thinking about a career, a lot of people think about, "Well, what do I want to do? What do I want to do?" And that's smart. But what I want to add is think about, "What do I want my daily life to be like?" because when you think about there are many ways to be a shrink, and there are many different kinds of practices to have⁠—and for somebody like you who is changeable and needs a lot of variety, that actually could really work because you could work with lots of different kinds of people. You could use different modalities. That could work. But then, when you say, "I need to be out of doors," I'm like, I don't see a lot of therapists in the soccer field.

Guest: No. Not yet.

Jessica: Okay. All right. Okay. So that's it. That might be it. But I do think it's important to consider the lifestyle and not just the job, because⁠—

Guest: Yes. That's good.

Jessica: Yeah. The reason why photography has worked as well for you as it has is a couple things, but a big one is the mobility.

Guest: Yeah. Differences, different locations outdoors, different people⁠—

Jessica: You're physically schlepping around.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. You lose that as a shrink.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: You're sitting. You're sitting and you're not fidgeting.

Guest: No.

Jessica: I mean, listen. That's not true. I counsel people and I fidget. I'm not a therapist, but I counsel people and I fidget, and that's fine. But⁠ it is important—

Guest: [crosstalk] contained.

Jessica: Yeah. It's about being contained and being in a space. And there are pros and cons of that. And you may need to simply do research about, are there forms of therapy that have people physically traveling? And explore to see if you would actually like those as much as you know now. But let me just kind of pull back and into the center of the topic you wrote me about, which is your love life.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Say your ex's name for me.

Guest: Full name?

Jessica: Yes, please.

Guest: With the middle name?

Jessica: Give me everything you got, girl.

Guest: Oh boy. [redacted]

Jessica: Thank you. You still talk to him?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Are you friends?

Guest: Well, yeah. But I just found out that he's engaged, and not from him.

Jessica: Oh. So you're not really friends.

Guest: Not anymore.

Jessica: Yeah. I'm sorry.

Guest: It's okay.

Jessica: So [redacted] is really, really different than you.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: He's really conventional.

Guest: Yes. And that's okay.

Jessica: He pretended he wasn't, and that's what's not okay.

Guest: Yes. That's it exactly.

Jessica: He wanted to be⁠—I mean, the two of you are not that different in this way. He wanted to be different than he was. He wanted to be a little more exciting and a little more wild, and you wanted to be a little more normie. And so you both kind of met in the middle of something that wasn't authentic to either of you.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: And it just couldn't work. It just stopped working. It does look like you had a really fun friendship.

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: And so, when you were dating⁠—

Guest: It was great.

Jessica: ⁠—it was fun. Yep. It was fun. But I think he wants a really predictable life.

Guest: He does.

Jessica: And I'm not surprised he rushed into another marriage because of it.

Guest: Me neither.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. But if you guys were actually friends, he would have told you.

Guest: Exactly. Thank you.

Jessica: Yeah. For sure. But I think that part of what has happened since you've learned this news is you've been feeling more of your aloneness because you thought you were kind of on the same page and that you had retained this good friend, and he was lying. And lying is not what you want from a friend who was your husband. That's just like, why keep him around at that point?

Guest: Right.

Jessica: Bear with me here. But you don't want to date yet. You're not feeling it, correct?

Guest: Correct.

Jessica: Great. So here's my advice. Let me just make sure I'm seeing this correctly. Yeah. Yeah. Here's my advice. Give yourself permission for three months to not want to date and to not think about it. Every time it pops into your head or someone brings it up, you can be like, "Oh yeah, I'm on a three-month commitment to not dating." And the way life works, somebody might cross your path where you're like, "Well, fuck. I guess I gotta do this." But make a three-month commitment⁠, not written in stone⁠—circumstances can change your mind⁠—that you're not going to date. But put it in your calendar so you get an alert at the three-month mark.

And your alert is to have an afternoon alone with yourself where you sit and you think about, you journal about, "How did I feel in this period? Did I actually give myself permission to not think about it and to accept I don't want to date? And do I want to change?" And if the answer is, "I don't know," or, "No," give yourself another three months. Or if it's easier, give yourself another month. You can do this once a month; you can do this once every three months. I think more than three months will be too long for you, too much of a commitment. But you can do this one to three months at a time. I'm seeing it's like chunks of threes for you. So⁠—

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. So like three weeks or three months.

Guest: Cool.

Jessica: Yeah. But again, if throughout the day you typically return to the thought of, "Oh, I should be dating," "Oh, I should be trying,"⁠—every time you return to those kinds of thoughts, you have to say to yourself, "No. I'm on a three-month break." It's like quitting drinking or quitting TV or whatever. It's like taking this time off means not just not doing the action; it's about giving yourself freedom from thinking about it. Okay?

Guest: Okay. Yeah.

Jessica: Because I think you haven't given yourself that since the divorce. You haven't fully given yourself the space to just be like, "It's okay that I don't want this right now."

Guest: Yeah. Probably not.

Jessica: So⁠ hold on. Does it make you feel sad that I gave you that advice?

Guest: The three-month advice?

Jessica: Yep.

Guest: I don't think it makes me feel sad.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. So the idea of taking three months off is fine?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Great. I'm trying to locate what I'm picking up on because⁠—are you scared that you're just not going to want to be partnered?

Guest: I don't know. I don't know what I'm scared of.

Jessica: It looks like you're scared of wanting the wrong thing. It's back to that belief you have that you're indecisive or that you're wanting the wrong thing.

Guest: Maybe I feel like it's not attainable or something.

Jessica: You know, it's funny. Aren't straight cis guys the ones who want freedom all the time and adventure? Isn't that what they tell us? Isn't that the thing?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: I mean, isn't what you want kind of what guys always say they want?

Guest: Yeah. Probably.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. What you want is not what most straight girls want, but it's what most straight guys want. You're in a power position.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: It's weird conditioning that tells women that wanting all of this autonomy is somehow bad. It's not bad. It's actually great, and it's easier with the people that you have available to you in your dating pool. Now hold on. You want an answer.

Guest: I do.

Jessica: But what's your question? What's the question you want answered?

Guest: What do I need to do right now to get where I want to be?

Jessica: Lay off. I mean, that's the thing⁠—

Guest: Like my mind, you mean? Like lay off⁠—

Jessica: Chill the fuck out.

Guest: ⁠—like turn it off. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. The action that you need to pursue to create the life you want is the action you're already doing. Unfortunately, you're doing it⁠—it's like let's say you have a job and you don't want to go to work, so you call in sick. And then, the whole day, you torture yourself with, "I should be at work. I should be at work. I should be at work. I should be at work," and you check your email, and you should be at work. Then why bother fucking taking the day off?

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: If you're going to take the vacation, take the vacation. If you're going to eat the cake, enjoy the fucking cake. And what you're doing is you're doing the right action for yourself, but you're not doing it in the right way for yourself. You're not giving yourself the joy of being like, "My house, my rules. I don't want to date; I'm not going to fucking it. I don't have the energy to get to know someone right now. Cool. I won't get to know someone right now." You're not giving yourself that permission because, from my perspective, you're scared you're going to get trapped there and then change your mind and wish you hadn't made this choice. Right? Which is a matrilineal pattern.

Guest: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. That's the matrilineal pattern, and that has happened to people on your mother's side of the family.

Guest: Interesting.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. I don't really see that happening for you. It's funny because you asked the question that you asked me, but what I was hearing intuitively or psychically or whatever was, "When will I get married?" That's what I was hearing you struggling with wanting to ask me because I think that there's this part of you that's like, "I know I don't want these things, necessarily. I'm open to them, but I don't want them." But there's this part of you that's like, "Okay. So when will I get this out of my system and then just settle into something stable, something normal, something I can count on?" Does that make sense to you?

Guest: Yeah. Yeah, and that's probably right. I do want these things.

Jessica: Theoretically.

Guest: Yeah. Theoretically.

Jessica: You don't actually want these things.

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: You want to want these things.

Guest: Yeah. But why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I want them?

Jessica: Because you're⁠—

Guest: Because I don't have them?

Jessica: No, because you're⁠—I mean, because you're a⁠—I mean, listen. I'm trying to find the right way of saying⁠—I was going to say because you're a straight girl, because that's what you've been told your whole life⁠—

Guest: Oh.

Jessica: ⁠—by literally everything and everyone 100 percent of the time. It's so hard to fight that kind of constant messaging that's direct and indirect in the world saying, "Of course you're going to get married. Of course you want to get married. Of course you want to have kids. Of course you want these things." Any time you think, "Oh, I don't want these things," or, "I'm happy not having these things," every single thing in the world, including your friendship circle and your family and media, are saying, "Yeah, but you're going to grow up and grow out of that. Don't worry. You'll change your mind." And I don't think that's true.

Guest: No. Yeah.

Jessica: And that doesn't mean that you might not change her mind. You are changeable. You may very well change your mind. But when you change your mind, you'll go hard on that. When you set your sights on a man, it tends to work out for you, eh?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. You just don't want one right now.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: And that, to me, is slightly glorious. But you haven't accepted it, so to you, it's not glorious. To you, it's kind of like, "Okay, but when will this be done? When will I grow out of this?"

Guest: Yeah, like when is this phase going to end?

Jessica: Why is it a phase?

Guest: Not a phase. I just⁠—

Jessica: But that is how you're holding it. So I'm not saying it to criticize you. You are holding it like a phase because everyone everywhere, probably except for me in this moment, is saying, "It's a phase. Don't worry."

Guest: Well, no one is saying that, but I feel like it just because it's so mundane, and it's just the same.

Jessica: Yeah. They don't have to say it. It's just kind of like no one has ever told me when I was walking down the street I should wear shoes, but I know everyone's expecting me to keep my shoes on. People don't have to say it.

Guest: Yeah. You're right.

Jessica: I know when I'm at a restaurant, people want me to keep my mouth closed when I'm chewing. Nobody's told me that, but I know that that's what they want.

Guest: Okay. Some people do say it, though, too. You're right. Now that I'm thinking, yeah, some people⁠—

Jessica: Of course. I mean, if all your friends are married⁠—

Guest: Right. And I was married, so it's like they know me from⁠—you know.

Jessica: Right. There's a lot of reasons to want marriage, and there's a lot of reasons not to.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And when guys are ambiguous about marriage, no one questions them. There's not an ongoing assumption that a man's value is tied up in getting married, but there is one for women. It's kind of wild when you think about it logically because don't men and women in heterosexuality marry each other?

Guest: Right. I know.

Jessica: But there's no pressure on men to do it, but there is pressure on women. And so this is one of the many things that you intuitively and wholeheartedly reject about shit that's placed on you. This is just not for you. And that doesn't mean that you might not wake up in three days and be like, "Huh. I have a feeling. I shall pursue this feeling," because that's how you are.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: You're on a thing until you're off it. I don't think that's bad or good, but it is important for you, if this feels accurate, to accept about yourself. So this thing that came up earlier where I was like, "Oh, does this make you feel sad that I'm telling you to do the three-month thing?" and you were like, "No"⁠—I think that I'm getting at it now. It's that what I was seeing is you're like, "That can't possibly be the answer. The answer has to be, when will I grow out of this and then be married? That has to be the answer." And what I'm saying to you is that doesn't have to be the answer. And if you think of it that way, you're basically forcing yourself to wear comfortable shoes and then not wanting to go out because your shoes are uncomfortable. And why not just wear comfortable shoes and leave the house if that's what you want to do? You know what I mean?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Why not? And there is a way that the confines of marriage, for you, are uncomfortable shoes. They're cute for an evening, but it's not what you want to wear all the damn time.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And with the right person and the right situation, that could easily change.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: My sense is that what led you to actually marry your ex is you believing, "Well, if it works, why not? I'm supposed to find the thing. This could be the thing. Let's just do the thing," not because you were like, "Yes, marriage sounds like the right thing at the right time with this person."

Guest: Yeah. It was kind of more so like⁠—in a past breakup before my ex, I had done all the work and stuff, and I was like, "Okay. So I know that I want to get married because I don't want to go through the breakup again." That's really what the thought was, now that I've reflected on it. You know what I mean? I didn't know it then, but then⁠—so then it was not like a total goal, like, "I'm going to marry the first guy I'm dating," but it was something that I had told myself that I wanted was marriage.

Jessica: That makes sense. Yeah.

Guest: And so it happened. Yeah.

Jessica: And you wanted marriage because you didn't want to go through another breakup, not because you wanted marriage. And I'll tell you something. That's so normal.

Guest: And I'm saying that out loud now for the first time. Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. That's powerful.

Guest: [crosstalk]. Yeah.

Jessica: It's powerful. You're not the first or only person I've talked to who's gone through this, just so you know. It's not something people talk about a lot, but the truth is the assumptions that we have as society around marriage are amazing. Again, I've been with my partner⁠—forever fianced⁠— over a decade, and people still are like, "When will you get married? Oh, come on, why won't you get married? When will you have kids?" I'm almost 50 years old. I'm not having fucking kids. I don't want kids. But people have all of these ideas about what would make a person happy.

Guest: The next step. Yeah.

Jessica: Exactly. Yeah. It's the next step. It's, "Of course, you'll be happier if you do the thing that everyone else has done." The truth is we don't need to do that. We can, but we don't need to. And having this sense of entitlement to choosing your own happiness is a burden off a shoulder. And so I think it's really important to give yourself permission to acknowledge, yeah, you didn't really want marriage, but you really wanted marriage, and you're still unpacking what you really mean when you say to yourself that you want to be married and what you really mean when you say to yourself that you are very happy not being married.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: They're both true, but you haven't unpacked them yet.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So working to unpack them will be really valuable for you because I don't think you need to be married in order to be complete⁠—you personally. Some people do. You don't.

Guest: Right. Right.

Jessica: I don't think you need a romantic relationship with a man to be complete. Some people do. You don't.

Guest: Yeah. Yeah. True. I know.

Jessica: If you're going to bother with partnering with a man⁠—not befriending a man or hooking up with a man, but partnering with a man—he needs to not drive you fucking crazy. He needs to not make you feel trapped.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And that is a special, unique individual human male. You are in, again, a power position because you don't need it for your happiness. And so you can come at it from what is more of a traditionally cis straight male perspective of being like, "Do I want this? Yeah, if the right person comes, I want it, but it's not my life goal."

Guest: Right.

Jessica: Again, you've got this Mars opposition to the Ascendant, and it's such a strong placement. That's not the only thing. There's a lot of things in your chart that are telling me this. I will say that I do see that you are very romantic. I have not really acknowledged that part of you in this conversation. There is this Neptune/Venus square in your chart which basically articulates a feeling of wanting a perfect romance that transports you from all troubles⁠, where you're taken care of by a guy. But the whole entire totality of the rest of your personality doesn't want that.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: So this is where I come back to the⁠—maybe a little crass⁠—term of "keep it in the sheets." That's where you want parts of the flirtation, parts of your sex life, to be about that, but day to day, you want an equal.

Guest: Yeah. Yes.

Jessica: You're the boss.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. And so you can have all those things, but again, it's not with every dude. It's not the easiest thing to find. But you don't need it right now.

Guest: Right. I get what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying. I feel like it's nice to hear you say, because it's like these are things that I know, that I've known, and then I just get thrown off and forget. I don't know. For some reason, what's popping into my mind as you're saying these things⁠—but, like, kids. I keep⁠—kids just pop into mind. It keeps⁠—

Jessica: I mean, that's the thing, because that's the only thing that gets in the way⁠—

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: ⁠—of you just being in your perfect time. So I have to ask you. You say you want kids.

Guest: Well, yeah. Okay. I do say that.

Jessica: Yeah. You do say that. You said it multiple times.

Guest: I know.

Jessica: But do you want to be a mom? Do you want to parent?

Guest: I think I do.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. And that's based on seeing all your friends who are moms and how their lives are as they parent?

Guest: No.

Jessica: Okay. So let's just slow down, okay? So what is that desire based on?

Guest: It's based on what brings me joy, just being in the present moment. So I'm really close with my nieces and nephews that live near me here, and I've seen all them be born and everything. But now that I'm here with them⁠—I mean, I lived with them for a while. I nannied them here and there. But I know I'm their aunt, so it's different, but I'm so close with them that I feel like they're my own, in a way. And then I also have worked with kids. I've coached kids, and I like that. I like their energy. I like [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica: Yeah.

Guest: ⁠—and I like to see them learn and improve [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica: Which is your jam. You're great with coaching.

Guest: Yeah. Yeah. That's [crosstalk].

Jessica: I love all those things. I love all those things. So you see your sibling's lifestyle as a parent. You see your friend's lifestyle as a mom. Is that what you want? Because⁠—

Guest: Yeah, the day to day. This is reminding me.

Jessica: Correct, sir. Yes. Yes.

Guest: No, not really.

Jessica: No. It's not what you want at all.

Guest: But I do want to be around the kids.

Jessica: Kids are amazing.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And this is another thing that I think gets really projected onto people in general, but especially women. If you're good with kids, if you love kids, then of course, you want to be a parent. But I would say they're different things because⁠—

Guest: Yeah. They are.

Jessica: ⁠—if being a mom gave you the space to be a dad, I'd sign you up.

Guest: Right. That's me.

Jessica: Yeah. I'd sign you up.

Guest: Well, that's so interesting because I have noticed that who I have dated, they've been pretty⁠—

Jessica: Good.

Guest: They've been the ones that are more so wanting the kids. Caretaker is their role. That's because it's not mine.

Jessica: Yeah. But here's the thing. Let's get real realistic, okay?

Guest: Yeah. But I'm not going to get married or have kids.

Jessica: Well, no. You could. You absolutely could. I mean, easy, you could, actually. You already proved that to yourself. You've already been married.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Right? You didn't have to divorce him.

Guest: No.

Jessica: Sometimes you're in a situation where your partner's like, "That's what we're doing." It looks like you spearheaded that. Is that correct?

Guest: Well, now that you say it, I guess. But really, I think I did, but⁠—wow. Thank you. That's really changed a lot for me right now⁠—

Jessica: Good. Okay. Good.

Guest: ⁠—because I had a different perspective.

Jessica: But objectively…

Guest: Well, yeah. I⁠—yeah. I'm the one that brought it up first. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. You spearheaded the whole thing. He would not have followed through. He would not have followed through. He would not have started that path is what it looks like to me.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: You kept it going because that's what you do, right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So here's the thing, and this is something I've seen countless times in relationships, in particular in straight dynamics. Guy is maternal. Guy is like, "Let's have a baby. Let's have a baby. Let's have a baby." She's ambiguous or she's like, "Okay. I could try that," and assumes because he's maternal he will stay at home with the kid, he will take on the lion's share of cooking and cleaning and coparenting, or at the very least, he will meet you 50/50. Of course he will. He's the maternal one. But I have rarely seen that happen, and when I have seen it happen, it's discussed before pregnancy.

Guest: Yes. I mean, that⁠—exactly. If we couldn't talk about it, which he couldn't⁠—

Jessica: Right. And then there's the added problem of because we live in a patriarchal society, men earn so much more to the dollar than women across race. And so a lot of times, there is the very pragmatic concern of he makes more, and so the cost of childcare⁠—etc., etc. And then a lot of women end up finding themselves at home when that wasn't their first and most heartfelt drive. So, when you tell me⁠—and honestly, I wasn't going to push the conversation⁠—

Guest: This is why I love you so much.

Jessica: Thank you.

Guest: You're right. It's the day-to-day. Thank you. It's the day-to-day.

Jessica: It's the day-to-day. The devil's in the damn details.

Guest: Oh my gosh. This is great.

Jessica: And if you could be the dad, if you could go out and make the money and be in the world and then come home and coach the teams and do the bedtime stories and all that kind of stuff, I think you would love that.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: When you tell me you want to be the mom, I say, "True? True story?" I believe that you love kids. I believe that you love family. But I don't completely believe that you would love being a parent. The reality of it is that the life you want⁠—I don't think it is, if I'm being honest with you, which doesn't mean I'm right. I could be wrong about this. And also, that doesn't mean don't have kids. It means if you're going to have kids, have kids with somebody who actively wants to be the primary parent or stay-at-home parent when you have little kids. And that means that you need to put yourself in a position where you're making enough money to support the family. Right? So, again, back to therapy. Good idea. And all of that becomes possible with the right person.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Do you use birth control?

Guest: Yeah. I do.

Jessica: What kind?

Guest: I have an IUD.

Jessica: Great. Is it up to date?

Guest: Okay. Interesting that you're asking because I just went in because it had "expired." But the doctor told me that now that time has expanded another five years.

Jessica: I would seek a different doctor.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: Especially if you're in a conservative state, because the fuckery that is afoot⁠—the fuckery that is afoot.

Guest: I just need it changed out. I was like, "I just need it out and put [indiscernible 00:52:25] another one in." and he's like, "Okay. So 2028," or something like that. And I was like, "Okay. Well, I've already had it for like six years."

Jessica: I would encourage you to get a second opinion.

Guest: Okay.

Jessica: Do you have a Planned Parenthood where you live?

Guest: Yes. I'll go there.

Jessica: Go there.

Guest: Do you think that he's misleading me?

Jessica: Yeah, I do. And I'm an astrologer; I'm not a doctor. So do not take medical advice from me. Get a second opinion.

Guest: Well, I value what you have to say, so⁠—

Jessica: Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. But also, just realistically⁠—

Guest: Yeah. I'm not going to…

Jessica: Yeah. I feel like it would be big news if there was five extra years on a IUD.

Guest: I know. Why hadn't I heard that before?

Jessica: But what we do know for sure is that doctors all over the U.S., especially in conservative places, are refusing services that are basically contraceptives and that republicans are trying to shift things so that we don't have access to contraceptives. I think the IUD looks like great birth control for you. It looks like it works for your body. Is that correct?

Guest: Yes. Yeah, it does. Yeah.

Jessica: It looks like it just works. And so⁠—

Guest: Where are you seeing that in the chart?

Jessica: You've got Virgo on the fifth-house cusp, and Virgo is governed by the planet Mercury. In your birth chart, Mercury is at the top of the chart, and it has got this beautiful sextile by Saturn. And so this tells me that the kind of contraceptive that is best for you would be something like an IUD. You put it in. Bada-bing, bada-boom. You don't think about it. But also, there's something about the apparati of the IUD that is very Mercurial. Some people have discomfort with IUDs or pain. You're not one of those people. It looks like it does its job, and it doesn't bother you. So that's where I'm seeing that.

And also, people who have Venus/Neptune square, as you do, often don't use condoms and are not good at using latex for reasons related to boundaries, sexual boundaries and emotional boundaries. So it's always good to have that extra layer of protection if you're not trying to get pregnant. And it's 2022 in America. So you don't want to be in a position. I know you're not hooking up with anyone right now, but we want to leave room for the Universe to bring you something delightful to change your mind.

Guest: Exactly.

Jessica: So get the IUD, I would say. And it does feel like it's time. Your body feels like it's time. So, coming back to your larger question of kids, I think that's another thing for you to interrogate within yourself about whether or not you want it. Don't think about what it's like to be a coach. Don't think about what it's like to be an auntie. Think about what it's like to be a mom. And that means look at all of the bazillion moms you have access to, and be realistic about what their lives are and whether or not you want that. And it's not a judgment call towards other people's choices. It's about, realistically, is that what you want?

Guest: Yeah, day to day.

Jessica: Day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day, for like 20-something years.

Guest: Day to day forever. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yes. You're right.

Jessica: You felt trapped with that guy? Throw a kid in the mix. And if you come to a realization that you don't actually want to be a parent or a coparent, that, to me, means, okay, how do you make sure that your life is rich with babies? How do you be auntie to all of your friends' kids? How do you create a life where maybe you coach kids, maybe you do that kind of stuff, but also, it's not just about that; it's also about having relationships with children as they grow older? I will, again, just share personally I love children. I am the person⁠—if you go to a party with me and there's one child and all my best friends, see you later, best friends. I'm talking to the child. I love kids. I've worked with kids. I don't want them personally, but I have children that I've known since they were like two, and now they're in their 20s.

Guest: That's cool.

Jessica: It is a beautiful thing. And also, at every step of the way, I'm glad I'm not a parent. And I am so glad that there are parents who are so glad that I want to be around their kids because they need breaks. So being an auntie is a beautiful thing. Being a mom is not the only way to have intimate, long-term relationships with kids that are familial. So I think that, again, we come back to this center issue for you, which is that you have choice, and you have choices that your mom might not have had and certainly your grandma is unlikely to have had. You have a lot of choices, and you haven't fully embraced, "Oh, wait. Fuck. Wait. What do I choose for myself?" And I think that once you do that, things are going to really start to calm for you as they open up for you.

Guest: Totally.

Jessica: So I feel like⁠—have we hit your major questions?

Guest: Yeah. I feel good.

Jessica: Okay. I'm glad to hear that.

Guest: I feel really good. Yeah.

Jessica: I'm so glad to hear that.

Guest: Yeah. Thank you so much.

Jessica: Absolutely. It is so my pleasure. I'm really glad we did this.

Guest: Me, too.

Jessica: Yay.

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Welcome back to another day in paradise, my friends. This week, we are going to look at the astrology of November 20th through the 26th. But let's chat for just a quick moment. It's Thanksgiving in the United States, where many of you live. I know that many people in the U.S. will be celebrating Thanksgiving as a time to be off of work and to take a break and be with friends and family and just⁠—whether all the social media posts are to be believed⁠—to give thanks or just to eat food and chill out⁠. But it is really important to remember that this holiday of giving thanks is based on whitewashed propaganda and myth. It is a holiday with racist and genocidal roots and that, for many people indigenous to this land, it is observed as a national day of mourning.

Now, while you and yours may be able to separate the true history and the current oppression from the colonizing state here in the United States to people indigenous to these lands, that is a privilege that not everyone has. So it's important to be honest about what this holiday is, even if you choose to celebrate it for your own reasons. This is the very least we can do. But this "Thanksgiving" holiday⁠—I put quotes on it, but okay. This Thanksgiving holiday is an opportunity to participate in reparative justice. There are many ways of going about that. One is by educating yourself and talking about this in private spaces as well as public spaces. Talk about the land you're on at the dinner table.

Another is by paying a land tax to the tribal lands that you live on, and you can figure out what tribal lands you live on⁠—if you're in North America, you are living on Indigenous stolen land. Anyways, you can find out what lands you live on over at native-land.ca. And the link will be in show notes. I also put in show notes a link to a list of good orgs to give to, and you of course are encouraged to do your own research. If it's the holiday for giving thanks, then do your best to give.

And one other thing I want to say before we get astrological is that between RSV, COVID, and the very intense flu this season, pediatric wards across the U.S. are filling up, and there are medicine and ER bed shortages. And children are seriously at risk. So wear a damn mask in indoor spaces. Wash your hands. As spiritual people or people of conscience, it's important that we don't only feel empathy; we must also behave in ways that actively express care, whether we "have to" or not and whether or not it's easy. And I know that most of us, if not all of us, are exhausted of having to wear masks or think about COVID or RSV or flus or whatever it is. But make sure that what you do is purposeful.

We don't want to forget Mars is Retrograde and that Mars/Neptune square that was exact last week⁠—it was the second time it was exact in this Mars Retrograde cycle⁠—is really asking us to check our motivations, to check in with the actions we're taking, and make sure that our spiritual values and a sense of purpose is driving our actions. In the times of COVID and, right now, RSV, when we're thinking about children, it is really important to understand that masking up is a big articulation of that.

Okay. Now we're going to get astrological, and I am really excited to be able to tell you that we have a lot of lovely transits again this week. It's just very unusual. What a lovely change of pace. And in the middle of the week, we got a New Moon in optimistic Sagittarius. So, hopefully, we can all leverage these affirming and flowy transits into doing our best, whatever you deem that to be.

So we're looking at the week of November 20th through the 26th. And the first exact transit of this week is on the 20th, and it's a Sun trine to Jupiter. And this transit is happening right at that anaretic degree, so we've got the Sun at 28 degrees Scorpio and 49 minutes, so we round that up to a 29-degree Sun. And then we've got Jupiter at 29 degrees of Pisces. So this is a really strong transit. It is a transit that strengthens our ability to feel resilient, to feel optimistic, hopeful, and willing to have experiences. Jupiter is about growth as much as it is about anything else. And so our ability to have expansive experiences is strengthened by this transit.

Typically speaking, this transit is associated with luck, good fortune, windfalls, things just coming together or coming your way. And that is glorious. It is also maybe a little idealistic to say that everyone is going to experience this transit in this way, but certainly, if you have planets or important points in your birth chart at around those degrees that are likely to be aspected by Scorpio or Pisces placements, then you are likely to get the full benefit of this transit. But what we all have access to under the influence of this transit is the most positive parts of Jupiter, which is not just having luck for yourself, not just having things work out well for you or feeling good or resilient⁠—although all those things are fabulous⁠—but also being able to act in ways that are ethical, act in ways that reflect your moralistic, religious, or spiritual beliefs, because Jupiter is associated with all of those things, and the Sun is our will and identity.

And so our capacity here is to make gains in ways and with things that are really true to us, that are important to us. And this is an especially great time to be able to hold space for difference, hold space for struggle, all that kind of stuff, without losing yourself in power struggles or feeling demoralized. In fact, this transit is quite the opposite of demoralization. It strengthens your confidence or your feelings of being capable. It's pretty wonderful, TBH. So it is a lovely transit, and because it's associated with luck, if you gotta take a chance, take a chance on the 20th and 21st. I mean, really, this whole week has got some good news for us. And speaking of news, Jupiter can be associated with news. This is not a great time for gossip. I mean, it's never really a good time for gossip from a spiritual perspective, but under a transit like this, we can sometimes get good news⁠—again, windfalls, opportunities, yada, yada. So do your best to tap in and enjoy it.

Now, on the 21st, there will be an overlap between that Sun trine to Jupiter and a Mercury conjunction to Venus. This transit is happening at 7 degrees of Sadge, and Mercury is related to friendships; Venus, more romantic connections. Mercury is communication, so it's chatting with people. It's having a text-athon. It's sharing your thoughts. It's listening to others. It's making them feel heard. And Venus is care. It's how we show up. It's maybe getting a good cuddle in or just one of those hugs that changes your whole mood. It's tender and romantic and sensual, a.k.a. related to your senses.

So, when these two planets meet on top of each other, it just feels nice. It often can lead to lovely social experiences. So, if you are going to be in group settings with friends and family, this is not a bad couple of transits to be feeling leading up to it or during that time. While this transit is not in any way associated with confrontation or heavy conversations, especially not in Sagittarius, it is really good for fun. It is really good for social connections. So, if you gotta reach out to someone and be like, "Hey, I love you," or, "Let's catch up sometime soon," yeah, these are the transits for you.

Also, if you've been meaning to⁠—I don't know⁠—pick up a book or get back to a creative project, these transits are excellent for supporting you in doing that, especially because they're happening in the adventure-seeking fire sign of Sagittarius. We've moved from a fixed water sign to a mutable fire sign, meaning that there's a little more mobility. There's a little more flexibility in how we connect to others and how we connect to our creative endeavors. So it's worth tapping into. If you have the opportunity to socialize, of course, do it safely. But if you have the opportunity to socialize on and around this date, this is a great transit for it. So have fun.

And that brings us to another transit, a lovely transit on the 23rd, and that is the New Moon in Sagittarius. So New Moons occur when the Sun and Moon are at the exact same degree of the exact same sign. And this New Moon is happening at one minute and 38 degrees of Sagittarius, a.k.a. 2 degrees of Sagittarius, and it is exact at 2:57 p.m. Pacific Time. And as always, if you are an astrologer or an astrology student and you want to track the transits yourself for your own time zone, you can subscribe to the tool that I use, which is my transit-tracking tool, Astrology For Days, and yeah. I think it is a fabulous tool, and you will, too⁠—if you're tracking transits, that is.

Okay. So this New Moon is in Sagittarius, which is very exciting, and I have a lot to say about it. Let me go. So, first of all, Sagittarius the zodiac sign is ruled by the planet Jupiter. We already had this great Sun/Jupiter trine this week, and now we have the Sun and Moon conjunct and Venus and Mercury conjunct, all in Sagittarius. So we have a fabulous Sagittarius stellium this New Moon. This, straight out the gate, increases our sense of resiliency, optimism, hopefulness, and I should say this is the most common experience that people have of Sagittarius. Some people will absolutely experience this as kind of a deflated vibe, only because some people's reaction to potential and openness is being overwhelmed by those things, and so kind of shrinking into themselves. And you'll know who you are by how it feels pretty quickly.

But broadly speaking, for most people, this is a lovely New Moon, like a lovely New Moon. It increases our sense of potential and possibility, our sense of resiliency, so we are able to mend fences, actively engage with reparations, whether that's in the world or in your personal life. You can recover and renew. This is just a fucking lovely New Moon. If you're going to be around people for the holiday, it is great, I'm happy to say. This is a fabulous New Moon. It is great for connecting with people, for being able to speak your truth without it being a conflict, without being so attached to it that it is a conflict.

Now, I should say Mercury in Sagittarius has a funny way of trying to force your perspective on people. So it is important, if you're having conversations with people, to say what you need to say and then let them take it in or not, however they do. Give others the same space that you want to have your own perspectives or have your own worldview. So that's a little hot tip for you. But this is a great time for being open, being educated, allowing things to happen. This can be a really playful New Moon. If you are a witchy Moon weirdo, like so many of us are, this is a fabulous New Moon for doing ritual work, for setting intentions, for manifesting.

And I want to just be clear, when we're talking about manifesting during a Mars Retrograde, we want to temper our intentions to not be too ego-driven or action-oriented in this moment. So we want to keep perspective on the bigger picture. But a Sagittarius New Moon is fucking fabulous. And if you recall⁠—I mentioned this last week, but it is finally up on my website⁠—you can register to my December 10th⁠—changed the date a little on you⁠—live webinar on December 10th about manifestation, which I'm really excited to teach. I haven't taught that in many years, but I'm down. Link will be in show notes and on my website. So I hope you'll join me there.

But this New Moon is a fabulous one for planting seeds literally, metaphorically, spiritually⁠—all the seeds. Plant the seeds. Very good. This is also a good time for spiritual work just in general. All that Sagittarian energy is excellent for expanding our capacity to be open, and so much of what spirituality is is being in a state of receptivity. While this is glorious⁠—and it is glorious; it is a glorious New Moon⁠—I will kind of give you this word of warning. Not only are we in the Mars Retrograde, but Mars is still forming a square to Neptune and to Jupiter. So it's wide to Jupiter, but it is not wide to Neptune.

So we want to keep in mind that we are still going through a time where we may be looking for overly simple answers, where we may be susceptible to misinformation or disinformation. We may be feeling exhausted, just kind of burnt out. Things may feel like they're slipping out of your hands, like the things you thought were going to happen aren't happening. Mars/Neptune square is really hard to be in the body with that transit. So, if you are doing spiritual work, if you are putting yourself out there or learning something new, do your best to be grounded. And speaking of grounding, at this moment of this New Moon chart, Pluto, Uranus⁠—they're the only planets in earth signs.

So accessing grounding is not especially easy this New Moon, which is not a bad thing at all. It's not always time to be grounded. So, for some people, that's going to be a great relief to not be so grounded, to not be so in your daily material life. And for other people, that might make you feel floopy doop. Yeah, I said floopy doop. So my advice is to stay emotionally connected to yourself and, to the best of your ability, centered in yourself, which⁠ luckily all of this Sagittarian energy supports. Something else that Sagittarius governs over is learning, and very differently than Saturnian learning, which is like the school of hard knocks.

Jupiter and Sagittarius are related to having an expanded worldview, and in particular learning from people or cultures that are different than your own. So, if you're going to be in an intergenerational environment, talk to the older people or the younger people than you, or both, if you can. If you're going to be in an environment where you have the opportunity to speak to people who are not just your besties, I encourage you to do that because sometimes we read a book or we take a class, and that's how we learn. And other times, we attract people who are more like unconscious teachers. They're not necessarily trying to teach us something, but we have the opportunity to learn a great deal from who they are or from what comes up when we engage with them. So be open. That's really what this New Moon is about, is opening up. And luckily, there's something incredibly restorative and regenerating about all this Sagittarian energy.

This is a lovely New Moon. And again, not to be a boner killer⁠—I mean, I try. I try. But Saturn is still square to Uranus. We still have that ongoing struggle around, "What do I need to do?" versus, "What do I want to do?" bringing innovation and new perspectives to old and stuck dynamics. So there is still, within this really glorious, open New Moon chart, indications for us having to deal with reality in ways that are maybe uncomfortable or a little⁠—I won't say mysterious, although Mars square Neptune is pretty mysterious. But in regards to Saturn square Uranus, it's more, "I don't know what's right. Is this too much? Is this not enough?" That kind of thing. So we're in a struggle, but luckily, this Sagittarian New Moon is an opportunity to open up and shift your perspective, which is just so on time if you ask me.

So set intentions. Be open to connecting with others and having fun experiences. Check in with your relationship to faith, and give yourself what you need, because you've got the energy to do it this New Moon. Just remember that Sagittarius is associated with the truth. It can also be associated with gossip, but is, in its highest form, associated with the truth. So this is a time to connect to the truth within you, your relationship to truth, whatever it is. You can open up the possibilities and explore the narratives you may be telling yourself that are holding you back and not necessarily true. What is true, like many other things in life, evolves with time and circumstance. So be open. Explore. It's a Sagittarian New Moon.

Okay. I've got more to tell you. On the 24th and 25th, we have two different transits. On the 24th, Mercury is forming an exact trine to Chiron. And on the 25th, Venus is forming an exact trine to Chiron. Now, these two transits⁠—I'm going to kind of talk about them together⁠—are really powerful. And there's something especially lovely about having these two transits be exact right after this New Moon. And I will say this whole week astrologically has so much potential to it. There are so many opportunities for pause, for rest, for recovery, and it's a bit on us to tap into that. And as you often hear me say, it is a lot easier to tap into what isn't working and what hurts than what is working and where we have flow and opportunity. So keep that in your viewfinder if you can.

Now, Mercury trine to Chiron empowers us to connect with kind of difficult truths, but not in a way that's especially painful or difficult. It empowers us to work with old hurts and the patterns that we have in our present that are really a response to our past and not our present. So, again, there's the potential here for great insights and advancements within ourselves and potentially within our relationships. This transit as well as the Venus trine to Chiron are the transits that support us this week in having difficult conversations, in maybe talking to family members about things that are typically really hard to talk about. But because of the trine to Chiron, there's an astrological empowerment for us to have these conversations in more empathetic and essentially effective ways.

And this will happen because one or both parties are understanding where the other person is coming from. To understand where someone else is coming from doesn't mean you actually have to get it, because your lived experience is yours, and the other person's is theirs. It does mean that you get it enough to be able to respect, "I don't get where you're coming from. I don't understand your worldview, but I understand it's your worldview." Being able to meet people from a place where you're able to respect that we all come from some shit, we've all had our own struggles, and most of us are just trying our best really helps.

And I want to say I encourage you to apply that same perspective to yourself. You have the right to feel what you feel, to be where you're at. And these trines to Chiron from Mercury and Venus are really supportive in allowing us to get there. Now, the Venus trine to Chiron makes it easier to experience and express⁠—also to receive⁠—love and care, even when it's a little complicated. Most of us have people in our lives that we have a complicated relationship to and we have complicated feelings for. This transit is a particularly helpful one for supporting us to be in that messiness, to be in that complexity, and to keep on showing up, not letting the complexity and the messiness stop us from having empathy and care.

Now, the Venus trine to Chiron can put you in contact with your insecurities, in particular around Venusian stuff, around the way you look, around your finances, around your relationship status, all that kind of stuff. And it puts you into contact with those feelings, but not, again, in a really especially terrible way⁠—in a way where you're able to acknowledge them, cope with them, and bring healing to them, which is really cool. And again, it doesn't have to be super dramatic or a really big thing. It might be something as simple as being around a relative or a friend who typically makes you feel bad by side-eyeing you in a particular way, and you being able to be like, "Yeah, that's them. That's not me. That's not about me. That's about them." Something as small as that can have a massive ripple effect.

So, essentially, what this transit, the Venus trine to Chiron, empowers us to do is to tap into our Chironic strength⁠—in other words, our ability to heal that which is wounded. And that's a beautiful fucking thing. So, to the best of your ability, show up for yourself, for others, and for the world at-large in a way that reflects your willingness to care, even when it's hard, even when it's messy, and to make sure that that care is in alignment with your values, because it is Venus.

And that, my loves, is your horoscope. That's the short and tall of it. I wasn't lying when I said it was a lot of lovely transits. So I'm going to very briefly run through them again in case you're taking your notes and you don't have Astrology For Days. On the 20th, the Sun is trine to Jupiter. On the 21st, Mercury is conjunct to Venus. On the 23rd at 2:57 p.m. Pacific Time, we have a New Moon at 2 degrees of Sagittarius. And then, on the 24th, Mercury is trine to Chiron. On the 25th, Venus is trine to Chiron. And that's it, folks.

I thank you for joining me here, and I thank you also for sending in so many questions. I am absolutely loving getting to give readings on the podcast. It's such a joy for me, and so yeah, keep on sending me your questions. You can send in your question to be considered for the podcast at ghostofapodcast.com, or you can also read transcripts from all the past episodes, and there's lots of fun stuff on my website. I can't tell a lie. If you decide you want to do some astrology learning this week with all these Jupiterian/Sagittarian vibes, there are webinars on my Shop page that may be just right for you.

I'll talk to you soon. Buh-bye.