Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Welcome back to Ghost of a Podcast.  This week, I am joined by a lovely lady who wants to talk about kink, sexuality, cheating, monogamy—non-monogamy, maybe—and we're not sharing birth details. We're just having a damn conversation while I am looking at her chart.

Jessica: So welcome to the show, my mystery friend.

Guest: Thank you so much. I'm so mysterious today.

Jessica: You are very mysterious. We'll hopefully cut through some of the mystery by getting into your issue. But why don't you just really ground me into what you want to ask about? What's going on for you?

Guest: Great. So, three years ago, I met the love of my life, and it's been such a relief to find someone who I truly believe loves me for who I am and has seen flaws and loved the flaws, knows about my past in relationships, and it's so much more beautiful and healthy than I could have imagined for myself. I really lost hope a while back, and I'm really appreciating him in my life. I have been open with him about how almost all of my past relationships have ended with me cheating, whether the partner knew it or not. And the relationship most recent before my current partner was a true catastrophe and really transformed my life, and I don't believe I would have found my current partner had I not gone through that.

So I'm grateful for that hardship. But I haven't considered cheating again on this person I love so much until recently. It kind of has seeded back into my mind. It's creeping up in the back of my mind, and I'm just terrified that I will enact this kind of behavior again. And I've spoken with my therapist. I'm lucky to have a psychiatrist and a therapist. I've had lots of sessions about this kind of thing. And most recently, my therapist was suggesting that this is kind of a kink of mine, this secrecy or the need to have something dramatic or something that's my own.

And I feel that it's sabotaging my relationship, and I just want to get ahead of that and know maybe, hopefully, that's not going to be my future forever.

Jessica: Okay. So there's a lot in there, and I'm going to ask you some follow-up questions.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: So okay. One is, are you in a monogamous relationship right now?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Have you ever been in a non-monogamous or a polyamorous relationship?

Guest: No, not one that was officially that.

Jessica: Right. And do you find those interesting? Do you have any interest in being non-monogamous?

Guest: I do. I do, and we've spoken about this because we're very sex-positive people, and we've talked about how these things are human nature, and we shouldn't be shaming one another for these kinds of things. I feel like I would be able to have a non-monogamous relationship because I am able to have sex without it being super romantic or—so, in that way, not polyamorous; more non-monogamous.

Jessica: Yep.

Guest: And it would not affect how much I love my person. And he sees that and knows that about me and loves that about me, and we both agree that he is not really that type because he is so—just a very sweet Cancer boy, and we both don't think that he would successfully maneuver that.

Jessica: I mean, honestly, I agree, and I'll tell you the reason why is because in your birth chart, you have Saturn conjunct your Descendant, and that is the same as having Saturn opposite the Ascendant. And that natal aspect means a lot of things, but one of the things it means is that you have a tendency to partner with or seriously date people who are monogamous, people who are emotionally monogamous, which is so attractive to you until it feels like a bit of a tightening of the noose, which we'll get into in a moment.

But all to say, I really didn't expect you to say that you were down for non-monogamy in a realistic way, maybe in a theoretical way, because I do think for some people, infidelity is related to just the authentic desire for many partners, but for a lot of people a lot of the time, it's more something you started to kind of speak to, which is about doing something you're not supposed to do. It's like having an experience outside of your agreed-upon reality and making it fun. So we're going to get into that more in a moment, but I have another follow-up question to your setup, which is, when you've cheated in the past, were you done and wanting to get out of the relationship on some level, or did you just get a big boner for someone new? Or both?

Guest: I think—I hope I'm understanding your question correctly because obviously it's stirring up all of the thoughts. But it's definitely a boner for someone new. We love a thrill. That's absolutely part of it. And a lot of it—it's funny because it would always have a sexual element, but some of it would just be the romanticism of the flirting and the excitement and somebody desiring me and wanting me, and that being taboo. But you're absolutely right about having that Saturn placement because I definitely desire and look for partners that will last to be the sturdy, supportive kind that—it's an unconditional love, and it is not flighty. It's not dramatic. It's just there.

Jessica: Right. For the people that you have crushes on or that you hook up with, they're not inherently super sturdy, stable people. Sometimes—

Guest: No.

Jessica: So it's basically like there's the kind that you date and there's the kind that you fuck.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And every once in a while, the two do meet, but it is like they're different people. Is that right?

Guest: Yeah. Correct.

Jessica: Okay. So there's a lot. There's a lot in this. And let me just ground in. I guess I gotta ask you one more question. Do you want to be married?

Guest: Yes. I mean, we have plans to be married, and I love—

Jessica: Are you engaged, or just plans so far?

Guest: It's imminent, honestly.

Jessica: Okay.

Guest: We've been talking about it a lot.

Jessica: Why do you want to be married?

Guest: What's funny is I really have been so pissy about the fact that we have to get the law involved in a marriage. You know? Like why does it have to be a contract? That's so opposite of what love is to me.

Jessica: Yeah.

Guest: And maybe some of that subconsciously is the finality of that and that you have to jump through all these hoops if you need to get in and out of that relationship. But I do believe, especially with my current partner, that you're able to have ups and downs and still be committed to each other, but having—there is some weird pressure about it being legal and final in that way that just kind of disturbs me.

Jessica: Okay. So I'm going to just reflect back to you that when I asked you why you wanted to get married, you just explained marriage and didn't say why you wanted to be married. And again, I'm not surprised because I think there's a lot of layers to this issue for you. I think that there's elements of—in your past, you've wanted to get out of relationships, didn't know how—Pisces problems, am I right? And so cheating is a great way of doing it. Then the guilt forces you out, or you tell them and then they force you out, and bada bing, bada boom.

So, in a way, it's like there's a very active way of passively escaping something that you don't know how to get out of. I do think that's part of it, to be honest. And that is, in a meaningful way, separate from the sexual motivation. That's more the, how do you get out of a relationship you don't want to be in? The part that you're describing that is more a compulsion—my instinct both intuitively and also astrologically is that there's meaningful elements that are related to how your boners grow and shrink, at the risk of being crass.

Guest: Ah, yes. No, it's fitting. It's fitting.

Jessica: Thank you very much. Thank you very much. And then, also, I think that this is some trauma response stuff, right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And so that kind of brings me back to, most of the time, when people get a reading with me and they tell me that they want to get married or they tell me that they want kids, I asked them why. And most of the time, people do not have an answer because they've never seriously been asked that question in a serious way. And I want to invite you to explore your why—not why do you want to be partnered. If you told me you wanted to be partnered, there will be no follow-up questions. You're telling me you want to be married, and it is a contractual obligation, and it is turning your partner into family.

And there's a lot of really strong pros for that, but there are cons. And one of the cons is that I think it a little bit triggers this issue in you, this, "Wait a minute. There's no way out? Wait. Wait. I'm in the room. The door is closed. The windows are locked. How do I get out of this place?" And you have a surefire way of getting out. You start to get itchy. You start to get distracted. And in your birth chart, you have got a Moon square to both Uranus and Neptune, and it's part of a T-square. You have Mercury/Moon opposition, and they both form a T-square to Uranus and, a little bit more widely, Neptune.

So there is a way that, for you, feeling like you're in the experience of something is your joy place. I mean, sometimes you have anxiety, you get distracted, whatever. Things go sideways. But it is your happy place because you love experiences. That's having a Moon square to Uranus and Neptune, a love of experiences. And experiences that you have to figure out, involving your Mercury—fuck yeah. Right?

Let's add another detail. You have a Mars/Neptune square in your birth chart. That means a lot of things, and we'll talk about it, but one of the things it means is that sexually, you like a hunt. You like a hunt. You enjoy going out into the wild, seeing where the things that you enjoy are, finding them, figuring out what they like to eat, whether they're out at night or day. You like all the parts of the hunt; am I right?

Guest: Absolutely.

Jessica: Yeah. And that's even before any kind of physical contact happens. Part of what you enjoy about the physical act or acts of sex is the making it happen. You made it happen. You're in control. You did a damn thing. You quite enjoyed that. And when you're partnered, yeah, that goes away little bit. Not 100 percent, but for sure, it's not the same as the first three months or the first nine months. Right?

Guest: Right.

Jessica: So, when I kind of pull back and take a look at your birth chart, again, you've got Saturn on the Descendant. That placement is the premier placement of people who want to be married. It is absolutely like, "Give me a government-signed document. Let the community know this person's mine. We are committed. It is for-fucking-ever. We will be old together." Absolutely. You've got that in you, and you're inclined to partner with people who have that in them.

Guest: Right. And I do love that. That's bringing up for me things that make me happy. You know?

Jessica: Yes. Yes.

Guest: And I feel so torn by this other behavior.

Jessica: Well, let's pull back and not even call it behavior because the behavior is a symptom of a lot of emotional, spiritual, psychological things that are actually not inherently sexual.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: They are more inherently about freedom and choice and flexibility and spontaneity.

Guest: Correct.

Jessica: Yeah. And so, before we get too far away from it, I am going to give you the homework to really explore with your therapist or your dear diary or whatever works—but before you explore it with your partner, explore for yourself why marriage instead of partnership, why marriage instead of domestic partnership, even. Not that I'm trying to convince you to not get married. Not that I think that you're inherently incapable of marriage, because none of that is the fucking case. It's because you're a freedom person. I was going to call you a freedom monster because I have a good association with "monster," but I know people have a negative association.

Guest: I mean, I'm into it. [crosstalk]

Jessica: Okay. So you're a freedom monster. Exactly. You're a freedom monster. You want the freedom. And so there's something really delicious and fun and weird and kind of life-affirming for you about having freedom. And there is something that is inherent to the contractual part, the familial part, of marriage that is not exactly about freedom, to become one. And there's a part of you—even as I said that, I can see your face, and your face got a little tense. That's not the part that you're excited about with marriage.

I really do see that there's lots that you're excited about. But if we just focus on the behavior of infidelity, then you'll never get to the root of what makes you feel like you need something different. And I, again, am holding this separate from the sexual part, at this stage of the conversation, anyways, because I really just think there are so many things that you can do that are kinky and weird and roleplay sexually, and we could talk about all of them. And your husband or your boyfriend, whatever he is, wherever you guys are at, could do all of them, and it's not going to change this emotional/spiritual/psychological thing that we're talking about. Right?

Guest: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: And I'm sure you've thought this part through. It's not just about hooking up.

Guest: Right. Right.

Jessica: Okay. So this is going to seem like a sideways question, but do you feel like you always have to be in a good mood, like fun and easy to be around kind of thing?

Guest: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. But you're not, objectively. You're not.

Guest: Correct.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. So, when I look at this psychically, that's the first thing that comes up. It's like you burn yourself out and you exhaust yourself trying to be what you imagine that your partner wants you to be, even though I can see very easily that this is completely about you and not about him or any other person you've actually dated, or most people you've actually dated.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: There's this way that you—you're in this cycle where you become in a relationship with somebody, and then you're always nice and you're always easygoing and you're always fun and quick to smile, quick to be good. And eventually, it feels kind of exhausting, and you're not quite sure why you get exhausted by being around your person. Does this make sense?

Guest: I wouldn't say exhausted around him in particular, but that all rings true with everyone: business, friends, family, all of it. Even people I deeply love being around, I get so extremely burnt out. And, bless his heart, he is always available for me to be just like, "I gotta be just on the couch staring into space because that was a lot for me." And he definitely gives me the room to have a full spectrum of emotion.

But there is—I do understand what you're saying. I do have that element of being—he says it as well, that I'm the woman of his dreams, reciprocally. It's so beautiful and lovely. But I feel like there is that standard to live up to in that way. And we've had hard conversations, and I'm very proud of us for getting through very hard conversations. But those were very jarring for me because I like him to—I can tell that subconsciously I want him to think that we are okay.

Jessica: At all times.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. It's interesting because—I want to be really clear. I think in general, this issue, and specifically this issue with your partner, isn't about him. I mean, of course, he's a part of it.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: This is really—it is really about you. And I do see what you're talking about, that the two of you are just best friends. You have a really healthy friendship. You have a great relationship. You don't get bored of each other.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: You have a very compatible and healthy way with each other, even when you have problems. I mean, of course, no couple is always healthy. But you've got a good thing here. So that I'm really happy about because in a way, it simplifies the issue. We can't get distracted by him, because there's nothing wrong with him in this issue. I'm sure there's plenty of things wrong with him—just challenge me to find them—but in this topic, that's not the problem. The problem when I look at it—okay. We're coming back to this feeling that I'm picking up on that—I'm calling it exhaustion, and I think that's kind of off the mark, but you know what I'm talking about, right?

Guest: Yeah. Yeah. It rings true for me.

Jessica: Yeah. So it's not just about being able to be in relationship or in dynamic with humans and run yourself ragged so that all you can do is stare at a wall or languish on the couch, which, yes, I have done it. We have done it. But it's not just about draining yourself till you've got nothing left and then giving yourself space, which I think is something you've done in the way you've just described it, but I think you do this on a lot of levels in dynamic with humans.

I think it's also about recognizing the reason why you do that is because you don't feel, somehow, in the moment, confidence or entitlement to say, "Oh, I'm starting to hit my tank-half-empty situation, and I actually need to excuse myself from this situation. I need to"—whatever it is, given what kind of relationship it is and what moment you're in. But you don't do what you need to take care of yourself until you absolutely have to.

Guest: Right. Yes.

Jessica: And this is directly related to why at a certain point in a relationship, even the happy ones where you're like, consciously, everything is good, you start getting itchy. And this itchiness is a way of you—it's like an unconscious animal brain survival mechanism way of you creating space for yourself where there aren't expectations.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And it's very Uranian. It's wild. It's like you start to feel it, and then inevitably, as any good hunter would, you find someone to crush out on. You find someone to get excited about. But the desire to find someone—it looks to me like it's almost always there before you actually find a person. You get randy—

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: —and then you see your prey.

Guest: Yeah. I guess so. And it does feel very, very primal and very out of my control, and especially—even intellectually, when I can see the things for how they are, and I'm just so—it's just happening without my will.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. First of all, I'm sorry. That must feel fucked up and out of control.

Guest: Thank you.

Jessica: Yeah. It's—

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: Yeah. Absolutely. And whenever a person talks about primal feelings, feeling out of control in this way, I know you're talking about Pluto. That's just the language of Pluto. And so I want to just kind of pull away from the Moon, which is your feelings, your emotions, but I want to lay that as the foundation for this issue, which is, it's on some meaningful level a way for you to carve out emotional space for yourself without actually having to hold a boundary with anyone.

Guest: Right. Yeah.

Jessica: So, by working on carving out more emotional space for yourself before you absolutely have to, you're going to be working on this issue even though it's not in any way related to sex. Then we go to Pluto. So, in your birth chart, you've got Pluto in Scorpio because you're a millennial. Do you identify as a millennial?

Guest: Yeah. I'm in the thick of it.

Jessica: I mean, I think so too. And with Pluto in Scorpio—millennial. Welcome. Thank you very much. And you've got Pluto at the bottom of your chart in the fourth house, and it is square to Mars in your relationship house. And so, for you, anger and sex and ambition are really big triggers, like very big triggers. It is not an internationally accepted idea that Pisces people or Libra Moon people are really great at getting angry out loud with other people.

So, on top of that, you've got this Pluto/Mars square. And this Pluto/Mars square, separate from the Pisces/Libra stuff, it gives you this fear. And this is an inherited issue either from your childhood and your early developmental experiences or from the experiences of your parents, or even potentially your grandparents. But looking at your chart, I would imagine it's either you or your parents' background where things got out of control physically, and you weren't always safe physically, or they weren't always safe physically. Does that make sense to you?

Guest: Yeah. It feels right.

Jessica: Yeah. And is this something from your lived experience, or do you know if it's from your parents' childhood or lived experience?

Guest: So it's really always crazy when I kind of hover over these ideas because I am feeling a lot of emotions about this concept, but I have no memory of anything like that happening to me. But then again, I can't remember a lot of my childhood, and my parents have never shared—I mean, we've touched on things that have happened in their family, but nothing like that that I've heard of. And it never was implied. But I am unclear for everyone's sake.

Jessica: Yeah. That's real. A lot of times, when people have the Mars/Pluto square in their chart, especially a nice, tight one like yours—and again, it's in very relational houses—either there is a lived experience of physical violence, which includes but is not exclusive to sexual violence, that is either experienced or witnessed, or you were raised by somebody who endured these things. This is often the experience. But when it's not, most of the time, I have encountered people have a feeling of, "I don't have any memories of this. No one in my family has talked about anything like this. But I have these fucked-up feelings."

And so I want to, first of all, validate that for as long as you don't know, if there was something that happened, your brain, your heart, your body, is protecting you and you don't need to know until you know if something happened. And if nothing happened, then it doesn't matter on some level because these feelings are valid because they're your feelings. From my perspective, you don't need an answer in order to care for yourself through this.

And I think a lot of times, when we know that there's something, like there's a hangnail in our brains, and we're just like, "I can't quite figure this out," there's this pressure that we can place on ourselves to figure it out and to have the answers. And I don't think that's the most nurturing, supportive, or even effective thing. You'll have answers when you have them, and for now there's something there that is kind of compulsive and scared, really, and scared of, what if you do something so terrible that they leave? "What if I do something so wrong that they leave or that I'm punished?" Does that make sense?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. I'm sorry. So, within this—and you like having sex with your partner?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Sex with your partners in general is not a problem; is that correct?

Guest: No, it's not. Yeah. It's not like an incompatibility in that way.

Jessica: Right. And you enjoy having sex in general?

Guest: Yeah. This is a strange dynamic for me because I do feel like there is some kind of sexual history that I'm not aware of, and then I am very present in my sexual life. I love it. I love being a sexual person. I have no shame about these kinds of things. So that duality is a little odd.

Jessica: I mean, yeah, it is odd. And it's also very human. It's very human. I think it's very connected, and it's also a separate topic. It's both. It's both.

Guest: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: This particular aspect in your birth chart, it gives you a lot of stamina, a lot of drive. You know what I mean? Like, sex—yeah. When it works for you, it fucking works for you. And when it isn't working for you, you're not bad at making it work. You know what I mean?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: You're flexible. You can make a thing happen.

Guest: I'm going to make this thrilling no matter what.

Jessica: Yes. Exactly. Exactly. So that's really a fun, life-affirming thing for you.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And it's a safe place for you, which is ironic because we're talking about how it's not safe.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: But it is a safe place for you when you feel that you are in control of what you're doing and you're choosing to do it.

Guest: Absolutely. Yes.

Jessica: So it's like when you're in a state of arousal and you don't feel blocked—it's not frustrated, but you're actually like, "I'm on the hunt. It's going to work," or, "We're hooking up. It's happening," this is a time where you feel incredibly strong, it looks like, and you're not actually scared—

Guest: Wow.

Jessica: —of somebody leaving you or there being negative repercussions, even if you're cheating.

Guest: Right. Yeah. It just feels like I literally take off to another planet, and then I'm happy over there.

Jessica: Yep. It's a great planet. It's not here. But here's the thing. This is related to, again, this escapism that we were talking about before. As a sexual impulse, there's nothing bad about wanting to be on another planet because sex is so good. I'm not going to pathologize that for you. That's awesome. That's awesome. I think the key is doing it in a way that's consensual. And the problem with infidelity is it's not consensual. Your partner can't consent. Non-monogamy, your partner consents. Polyamory, your partner consents. Infidelity is breaking an agreement.

That's the trouble with infidelity, right? And that takes something that you actually really like and love, which is sex, and it shits on it. And this is part of why I was so drawn to your question, because I want to help you continue to enjoy your sex life—

Guest: [crosstalk]

Jessica: — without feeling like a shitty person because you're doing something shitty, which— I think cheating is shitty.

Guest: Yeah. Oh God, it's so shitty.

Jessica: It's shitty. It's shitty.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So let me add something else to the mix, okay? You got a Jupiter/Venus opposition. Jupiter/Venus opposition means it's not hard for you to get laid. It's not hard for you to find someone who wants to date you. People like you. You like people. But also, you love—when you're in juj with someone, when you're feeling flirty with someone, it feels like, "This is between me and you. No one else matters. This isn't relevant to other people. What I'm doing with you is just about me and you in this moment."

Guest: Wow. Hit the nail on the head.

Jessica: Yeah. So, when I'm looking for infidelity, I'm always looking for Jupiter, because Jupiter isn't cheating because they're trying to be a jerk. Jupiter is just like, "Eh, it won't bother that person that I'm dating. I'm just going to do this thing. It'll take a couple hours, and it'll be done. It's not about them. I'm going to do what I want right now." It's this kind of thing that you described of it's just another planet. I'm going to take a ship. I'll be there for a period of time. I'll come home. It's not a big deal." And once it's over, you might be like, "Oh fuck. That's not"—

Guest: Right.

Jessica: "— relevant." But in the moment, that's how it feels, eh?

Guest: It is exactly how it feels, and then—but it's just like my evil twin took over for a moment, and I just despise that. That does not align with my values and what I deeply want as a person. And there is that element of I really want to make people happy. I want to bring them joy and healing. And if that's through sex, if that's through flattery or making them feel good, that's rewarding to me. But my life force is just pulling me towards loving somebody unconditionally and supporting them because that's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever wanted is somebody who holds me with my vulnerability. You know?

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. So I love that. And that was true Pisces-speak stuff. But I'm going to counter it a little bit to say it's not all you've ever wanted. It's a big part of what you've ever wanted, but obviously what you also want is to run around town doing whatever the fuck you want because it feels good.

Guest: Man, that sounds like such a dick.

Jessica: Okay. So maybe it is; maybe it isn't. But if we pull away the judgment, if we actually just take a real breath and take away whatever value judgments you or anyone else holds around that, and we acknowledge there is a part of you that feels that way—we're going to pull away all of the judgments and just acknowledge that that part is there, because if we are not able to own our parts, we can't integrate them. We can't bring them to wholeness. And what happens is—

Guest: The gospel here.

Jessica: Okay. Good. Thank you very much. So what happens is you deem these things to be wrong; therefore, you push them away, and then you never actually get to bring them to healing because the truth is what you said is actually true. What you want desperately is to have safety and to live in accordance with your values and to be there for someone and have them be there for you. I believe you 100 percent.

I just don't think that's the only thing you want. I also think you want to live a life unfettered. You want freedom and play and spontaneity, and you want to be able to do the things that feel good to you sometimes without worrying about the consequences because you're so chronically thinking about how other people feel, what other people need, what other people want, that this is your breath of fresh air. You don't want it to hurt anyone; that's not the desire or drive.

Guest: No. Yeah.

Jessica: But you do want to be able to do what you want and have it not be such a big deal, because you don't mean any harm, so why should it harm?

Guest: Interesting.

Jessica: That is a very real part of you.

Guest: Right. Okay. Yeah. There it is.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. Good. And I just want to slow down and acknowledge that there's something that I can see energetically that kind of opens up inside of you when you just name it without judgment and you sit with it, like for—20 seconds it's been. But can you feel that?

Guest: I can feel that for myself, and I am just trying to keep this little sphere around me and listen to myself. But I'm already like, "Oh, you know what? Someone else is going to hear this, and they're not going to get it the way I get it. No matter how much I get it, they will not understand, and the idea of not being seen"—because this is a complicated thing. Humans are complicated. But I know I have goodness in me, and this is such a triggering, upsetting thing to do. Cheating is so awful. And it's really wrecked my life in the past and many people's. It's a complicated thing to dissect, and I'm so happy we're doing this. And there is a different layer. I am not trying to hurt someone.

Jessica: There's two things that are coming up for me around that. One is, I mean, you're definitely right. Whenever I talk about infidelity, like in my astrology classes or whatever that I have taught, people freak out that I'm not judgmental about infidelity. This is the thing that I think is the real problem, and this is the reason why I don't consider it a kink, actually, is because there's no consent. That's the problem. It's the lack of consent and agreement and the lying. You know?

Guest: Right. Right.

Jessica: Different people have different feelings about it. But I think that you're right that some people will be judgy, and that is a thing. But here's the other thing. It's so hard for you to sit with your own feelings about your own impulses and behavior that you instantly go to other people's thoughts and feelings about your impulses and behavior. And this is—we are right back to the foundational issue because again—and I know I already said this, but it's worth repeating: there are things that you can do in a relationship to feel spicy, to have sex in random places. There are so many things you can do to introduce surprising elements and fun, weird shit into the bedroom or the kitchen or the bathroom or wherever.

Guest: Right. Yes.

Jessica: Yes. But that's not the issue. That's the smallest part of this issue for you, from my perspective. And if you focus on the sexual part, in a way, I think you miss out on the roots and the trunk of the tree, and you're just focusing on the leaves. Right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So it comes back to you have really intense judgments towards yourself about this. And also, I will say as your astrologer and somebody looking at you energetically, also, you don't. And that's why your judgments towards yourself are so intense, in part because—common sense—you don't want to fucking lie to people, and cheating on people sucks. But it's also because there's a part of you that doesn't feel that it's a big deal and feels totally entitled to it, and it's been really fun. It's been awful and life-ruining and also fun. Does that make sense?

Guest: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: And again, in order to come to healing, we need to be able to hold the pieces. You are entitled to 100 percent of your feelings, not 100 percent of your actions. But if we don't allow ourselves to have our full feelings, that's when our actions get fucked up, and in a split moment, you make a decision that changes the course of your life. Right?

Guest: Yeah. Yes.

Jessica: Right. So okay. What I'm going to recommend is going to seem a little bit on the slow side, but here we go. Every day, practice noticing when your energy starts to dip—not tank, because you always notice when your energy tanks. I want you to notice when your energy dips and to ask yourself in those moments, "Is there something different that I can be doing?" And if your energy is dipping because you're at work and you're suffering fools—maybe fools you like, but you're just like, "Okay, I'm fucking done. It's 3:00 p.m. I'm done." So there's not a lot you can do except you can shift the way you're thinking about it.

I don't know how woo you go, but you can do little forms of energy work on yourself. Maybe reinforce boundaries. Maybe you can listen to music or let music play in in your head that is somehow—it sparks that kind of passionate side of you. Something small like that. If it's in your relationship with your friends or with your partner, you can say, "I love you, but I need to go for a run," or, "I love you, and I need to go home now," or, "I need to just spend 15 minutes in the bathroom. I'll be right back," and just get yourself together. And by getting yourself together, what I mean is tap into—your energy is dipping. "Huh. What's my energy dipping? How do I know my energy is dipping? Where in my body can I feel that?" and not go to why.

Why is actually not super important until you come to, how are you feeling it? What is that feeling about? So how and what needs to come before the why. Because of Mercury's involvement in your T-square, you go straight to the why so you can fix it.

Guest: Yes. I've done that. That's what my therapist says, is that I'm always explaining the whole situation rather than feeling it. And additionally, what happens is that I end up doing these compulsions or whatever, spinning out in this way, to avoid my clinical depression and anxiety. In theory, I understand how to sit and be like, "Ah, yes, this is a depressed moment." But in actuality, I just—the practical ways to make this happen or to slow down just feel so out of control, as I've said.

Jessica: Okay. Hold on. Let me just ground into that. So, basically, if you think of, "I've got my hands open, and now I've got my hands in a fist," and think about depression/anxiety—it's your hands in a fist, tight fist. That's like you're in the throes of those emotions, or just your energy dipping, even. And then you could open your hands all the way wide, so that's from one extreme to the other. That's your move. You're like, "I'm depressed or I'm happy. I'm with people or I'm on the couch and completely flattened out."

Now, what if you kept your hands in a fist, but less tight, and then a little bit less tight, and then you keep on going wider, wider, wider, wider, wider, and keep on going wider until eventually your hands are open? That's what I'm talking about. It's not doing this thing where you pressure yourself to be in a good mood, feeling free, or just flattened and like you've got nothing left to give anyone—but giving yourself the space to say, "Okay. I'm at work, and my energy's dipping. So I'm going to go to the bathroom, and I'm just going to sit, and I'm going to notice my feelings, and I'm going to notice where I feel them—the terrible feelings, the worst of the feelings." Ten seconds. That's it. To practice doing that for weeks or months until maybe you go up to 30 seconds, to go really small steps.

And pretty much everything in your chart is like, if it's small, it's not worth anything. It has to be big or nothing.

Guest: Yep.

Jessica: When it comes to emotional development, I always think of the heart as kind of a corgi with a cone around its head. Have you ever seen a corgi with a cone around its head?

Guest: Aw. Yes.

Jessica: It's very sad and very cute. Corgis are adorable, but they're low to the damn ground. And when they have a cone around their head, they look so sad, and their cones drag.

Guest: And they trip.

Jessica: That's the human heart. It is a corgi with a cone around its head. Yeah. And it's sweet, and it needs a little care, and it moves slow because it can't see shit. It's like it's just in its feelings. Our heart is our heart. Emotional development is slow, period. And for you, the desire to be good, to be perceived as good and also to be good, or also to feel good—none of these things are bad. It's perfectly healthy, normal impulses. But you're doing some sort of gymnastics to get from where you are to where you want to be, and there is this kind of empty space that you're jumping over instead of inhabiting.

And this is related to, from my perspective, the foundation to why this happens in most or all of your relationships, not why it has happened a couple times, which would be a slightly different topic, right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And it's also related to your experience of ennui. Now, you didn't say that you have that, but I look at your chart and I imagine you have some very real ennui. This is because for as much as you have a big personality and there's lots of things you do that take up space and that are very dynamic, even infidelity—I wasn't thinking about infidelity, but also, infidelity is like taking the whole pie and eating it yourself. It's like a real taking of everything.

Guest: Super selfish.

Jessica: Yeah. It is a selfish act. Yes. Even though you do all of these things, ironically, this part about cheating is really because you don't take care of yourself. You don't center and prioritize your own emotions. And I know it sounds kind of really paradoxical, right? It's like because you don't center and prioritize your own emotions, then you grab the whole pie because you're hungry.

Guest: Right. Yeah.

Jessica: But that's actually what's happening here. This psychological/emotional issue can be worked on as long as it's not being worked on in reaction to a specific boner for a specific person, because when you have a specific boner for a specific person, it's really hard to talk you out of that impulse. So I have to ask, is there anyone specific in this moment that you're feeling sprung on that's not your partner?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Cool. Are you comfortable talking about it?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And does your partner know about this crush?

Guest: They know about what had happened in the past with this person.

Jessica: Okay. So you've hooked up with this person when you were in a relationship with your partner or with someone else?

Guest: With the one that blew up before.

Jessica: Okay. So this person—what's their gender pronoun?

Guest: He/him.

Jessica: Okay. So this guy has wrecked a home in your past.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: And are they actively in your life, or are you just thinking about them?

Guest: They just came back into my life like last week. We ran into each other and started talking again.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. So now we get into some real shit.

Guest: Oh no.

Jessica: Okay? No, no. It's cool. It's cool. Don't be scared. I mean, you can be scared. Have your emotions.

Guest: I am scared. This is what's happening. I'm scared; I'm feeling it.

Jessica: Yeah. It's good. It's good. Exactly. Exactly. So, first, we've talked about the issue as it is, right? Now we're going to talk about the compulsion part. So we're back to Pluto. Pluto in astrology is related to many things, but one is addiction. And this part of you that is compulsive and addictive, that actually engages with people that you have crushes on or that you have sexual feelings towards—like an addict, right?

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: And I want to hold this really separate from kink. I do want to hold it separate from kink because I'd like to think that kink is consensual.

Guest: Right. I think I looked up it saying the difference between kink and fetish is that kink is consensual, and fetish is just something, yeah, kind of more out of control.

Jessica: It's like a drive. Yeah. And I think a fetish is not necessarily an action. Right? The thing that I think is very important here is that, much like an addict, you can know, "Oh, I don't have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I never just have one drink. I can't hang out with these people because they fucking party all night long, and if I start drinking with them, I'm going to be on the floor by midnight." You can know that about yourself, but if you're an alcoholic, you'll still go out and you'll still drink because it doesn't feel in your control. It feels out of your control.

I think you have a similar thing with this person, and it's not personal to him. I want to clear you of any confusion. It has nothing to do with him.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: This is your pattern, right? It's coming up. He's embodying something. But the second that you responded to him in a friendly way, you were back in your addiction. Right?

Guest: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica: So, fun fact, Saturn started to square your natal Pluto and conjoin your natal Mars, so to trigger this aspect this month, April 2022.

Guest: Wow.

Jessica: This is your moment. This is the closure of a 29-year cycle of development, which is a big deal. And it is very difficult. What you are going through is supposed to be really fucking difficult. Saturn square Pluto, I think, is one of the most difficult transits we go through, and everyone goes through this transit twice every Saturn Return cycle. This person is an unconscious teacher. Some people come into our lives to teach us something, like, "Here, let me tell you about your birth chart." I'm consciously, intentionally acting like your teacher; you're consenting to that. Some people come into our lives; they run us over with a steamroller. They are an unconscious teacher, and the lesson is don't stand in front of steamrollers. So we don't want to give them credit, but we do want to take responsibility for, this is a lesson.

Guest: Yes. I feel that.

Jessica: Okay. Good. He is an unconscious teacher. And what he is triggering within you is your own psychological, physical, and emotional compulsions and how you relate to them, what they're really about. None of them are about this dude. The obvious and way-too-easy answer is don't talk to him.

Guest: That's literally the exact words my therapist said.

Jessica: Yeah. Just don't fucking talk to him. Don't email him. If you want to be nice, you can say, "I don't have control with you. It doesn't mean that I'm in love with you or that we have the best sex in the world. It just means that this is not something I can handle. I'm blocking you on every platform. It's not out of malice. Best of luck." To quote Amanda Seales, be blocked and blessed. It's out of context, but it works here.

Guest: I'll have to get that tattooed on me somewhere.

Jessica: Yes. Blocked and blessed. So that would be the common-sense thing to do, and I do think that's the best move. That said, the reason why you haven't done that yet is the problem. And it has nothing to do with this guy, and it even has nothing to do with your partner, who you want to marry, theoretically, because I still have questions about that. But this is a part of you that says, "I have a feeling, and I have to chase the feeling."

Guest: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Okay. That's what it is. At its most core, raw form, it's, "If I have a sexual impulse, if my thoughts return to them, I must move with this. If I take a small whiff of the cake and the cake smells good, I have to eat the whole fucking cake." Right? It's classic addict stuff. Lots of people have a lot of feelings about the whole AA thing. I'm not a mental health professional, but I certainly would, through having this conversation with you, recommend exploring Sex Addicts Anonymous or whatever.

Guest: Yeah. So that's what came up for me a while back with the one before. This therapist, actually, who I'm still with, she recommended that I go to those meetings. And I went, and it felt like, "Oh, there are people like me. This is good." Their circumstances, honestly, were much greater than mine, much bigger deals. And in that way, I was like, "Well, I don't want to take up their time, because I think I can do some homework. I got what I needed, a little bit, to do this at home. And peace be with you," because they need it more than I, I think—I thought.

Jessica: Interesting. Let me jump in [crosstalk]—

Guest: Oh no. Here we go.

Jessica: So this is like the third time in our reading where you're like, "Yeah, no, not me. You. No, no, no. Not me. You." So, first of all, we can do oppression Olympics, and some people have a much harder time than others. There's some validity to that, for sure. But it's Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I'm now remembering what it's actually called.

Guest: Yes.

Jessica: But it's really not about how dramatic or intense—and this thing of, "Well, this person was passing out and ending up in the hospital all the time. I just drink until I can't really remember what happened. It's not that big of a deal"—again, it's this kind of "deals with the devil" stuff, which is actually— what you just said is the thing that makes me think more than anything else you said that you could use Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, actually, because you don't have to destroy your life, which maybe you a little bit did here and there anyways, but you don't have to utterly destroy your life. You don't have to go to extremes in order to deserve and need help. It's not taking something away from others to show up and share and be a part of a community of people who want to be a part of a community where you're helping yourself and you're helping others.

I would also say, in these days of COVID, something that's really cool that's happened with meetings is that they're happening over Zoom a lot of the time, and that means you can find the right one for you. You can find a very queer meeting. You can find one with people who have similar lived experiences as you that you really resonate with. And so I'm going to encourage you to play with or explore going to various meetings, maybe all over the world, all over the country, all over your state, whatever it is, until you find one where you're like, "Oh, this could be my place." It's not just like, "This is interesting," but it's also, "Oh, I can feel myself kind of returning to this place and that being life-affirming for me," because again, it's just not taking space for yourself until you're flattened on the couch. It's that same kind of foundational issue that I see as being the thing to work on.

Guest: Yeah. Yeah. I see it.

Jessica: So I'm going to give you really annoying advice. Step one, tell your partner the whole entire truth about what's happening with this man because you need to for yourself. The smallest lie around your compulsions here will feed your compulsions. So I am a big fan of having a fantasy landscape that's all for you and not sharing every sexual thought and impulse that you have with your partner, because that means you have a healthy, thriving, independent sexuality. I'm a big fan of that.

But in this situation, and in particular with this person who's such a trigger for you, the way to break your pattern is to be completely authentic and honest with your partner. It looks like you've done some of that but not all of that. Am I saying that correctly?

Guest: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. And this will test the two of you for sure. You haven't hooked up with him; is that correct?

Guest: No.

Jessica: Right.

Guest: This is the thing: I don't trust myself. I don't know what's going to happen next time.

Jessica: So why should there be a next time?

Guest: Well, yeah, that's what I'm thinking about right now.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. But instead of your well-metered answer, which I'm confident you will come up with, emotionally, it's because you want to see him again, correct?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. So let's stay with that because, again, your tendency to want to hop over the emotional truth is the foundational issue that needs attention from you. So the reason why you haven't deleted his contact or blocked him is because you want to see him again. Do you in part want to see him again because of how he makes you feel sexually?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. Great. Own that. I know it's messy. I know there's sadness in it. But if you can be present with it and be present with the sadness, it sure is a boner killer, isn't it? Didn't I just murder your boner?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: By speaking the truth and having you be present with it?

Guest: Right. Yeah.

Jessica: The truth is you don't want to hurt your partner, but it's not just that. If you were single, I don't think this fucking dude is good for you as a human. He knows how to scratch an itch. He plays a role, but he is not a person for you.

Guest: No.

Jessica: He's that one drug you can't do responsibly. He's that thing.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So by indulging in private the feelings of desire for him and not naming it and not sitting with, "I feel authentic sexual desire for him, and I love the running around and the tension. I really enjoy this"—as I say these things out loud, now you're feeling the real feeling, which is sad and lonely.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. And the sad and lonely is actually the motivation for doing self-destructive sexual things. It's not, "This is hot." Hey, listen. You like having sex? You have good sex? We're not going to take that away. We're not going to pathologize that. That is fucking great. But this thing where you act out of integrity and you do things that mystify you and that you know are wrong, it's because you're going from—we're back to the fists closed and the hands wide open. You're not moving into all of the layers so that you can feel the emotions of what's actually there. And when you do, it's sad. And if you have a history of depression and anxiety, you feel sad; you're like, "Oh, fuck no. I don't want to be depressed." So what do you do? You go to, "This could be hot. This is fun." Right?

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: So let's say you do what you technically probably know you should do and your therapist and I agree about. You tell him, "Hey, this isn't healthy for me," not, "I'm trying to be good." No. That's an invitation. That just sounds like, "I'm a bad girl, but I'm trying to be good." Don't you give him that. It's instead, "I think cheating is wrong, and I've cheated on someone with you, and I don't want to cheat again on anyone with you or anyone else. And because of that, I am going to block you on all the platforms, not with any malice. I wish you the absolute best. You're super fun. I value you in my life. You've played a great role and an awful one. I take responsibility. Buh-bye."

Just find your own way of doing it. You're a Pisces. You'll be much nicer than me, but that was my version of trying to be nice about it. But I unfortunately think that if you do this, you will feel sad and bad, a very similar sad and bad that you would feel after the sex, which is low-key inevitable if you actually hang out with him again. For your partner's benefit and for yours, I want to say it's not because you're going to be grieving over him, although it'll be confusing and hard to know if you're grieving over this man or you're grieving over this loneliness that is kind of this existential part of your nature.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: And I think you've spent a lifetime abandoning yourself when things are unpleasant, and that is a meaningful part of this loneliness. What I like about this partner of yours is that he's very comfortable with you taking care of yourself emotionally. I mean, you're not comfortable taking care of yourself emotionally, but that's not his problem. That's your problem. So, if you actually work on this, like if you actually work on having boundaries, the feelings that you have are feelings that have been there since way before you met your partner, and it will take real strength to experience the feelings and not turn it into, "I miss this one man."

Your partner will need to be warned. Tell him, "Okay. So the astrologer predicted that this might happen and that this is not about this guy, and I don't want you to feel threatened." I imagine he will feel threatened because if you do this, you will go through emotions that you usually repress, which is exactly what you need to do. It's very healthy. But it'll look like you're mourning a relationship from the outside. And I do think you yourself will have questions about, "Am I mourning this man? Because I'm mourning."

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: There's a part of you that fears that if you don't do wild, spontaneous, filthy—and I mean filthy in the most—it's like that's a good feeling for you—like if you don't do these things, then you're just trapped and your life is not for you. And that is an immature feeling. It's not like your mature, most wisest self. But it's a feeling, because you haven't really let yourself experience it consciously, that has just been waiting for you to care for it, to tend to it. Does this make sense, what I'm saying?

Guest: Yeah, it does. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. This is going to be hard. And then, when I come back to you're going through a Saturn square to Pluto and a Saturn conjunction to Mars, the reason why the Saturn square to Pluto is so difficult is because when this transit occurs, it feels like your survival mechanisms are being challenged by your reality. So here's the thing. That transit's happening, whether you hook up with this guy or you have a boundary, or whether you do the healthy thing or the unhealthy thing. This is it. This is what's happening.

And this transit, it'll be kind of off and on, but it'll be over in January 2023. So you've got a hot minute of this shit left. It's not a full year, but it's a long time. So my advice to you is to work on this really consciously, like if you are interested in doing SLA, or Sex and Love Addicts anonymous, see if you can make a commitment through the New Year, because it's a good use of this transit is—it's engaging with things that you have shame around and things that you have a lot of fear around. And you have a lot of fear of feeling really deep, shitty emotions—like a lot of fear. Like you feel like you're drowning.

The only way to take care of that is by developing new survival mechanisms and new resources. You can't go from fists all the way closed, hands all the way open, and have confidence in yourself. That's not realistic. It's not "you can't." One cannot. It's not, "We need to climb a little ladder or a bridge, and every step of the way is a step closer." Not—what is it? Like I Dream of Jeannie. She would blink her eyes, and then she'd be somewhere.

Guest: Ah, the dream.

Jessica: Remember that? Do you remember that?

Guest: What a Pisces dream. Yeah.

Jessica: It's the Pisces dream. Exactly. It's a Pisces dream is to just blink your eyes, and there you are; everything's fine—which, again, is part of why you've cheated historically. It's like your version of blink your eyes; you're somewhere new. Everything feels different. There's no consequences for x amount of hours.

Guest: Right.

Jessica: All to say there is good news, which is this is the exact moment of your life that you can bring sustained, deep, meaningful healing to this issue.

Guest: That would be great.

Jessica: Yeah. Saturn is maturizing. Saturn transits are when and where we take responsibility for ourselves. We come to humility. We change, and we change in a deep way, not in a surface way. This is the perfect moment for us to be having this conversation, for you to be dealing with this shit, for you to be working on it. But the process is difficult. And again, obviously, talk to your therapist about all this. Work out with her what feels right, what feels not, because I'm not a therapist, obviously. But it's through January 2023. This is the goal time I want to set for you.

Guest: Great. I am a little relieved that there is a stretch of it.

Jessica: Good. Yeah. I mean, you couldn't do this in two weeks.

Guest: It's not just going to escape and I'll miss my—yeah, miss my opportunity.

Jessica: Correct. Correct. And then, through this process, you can start to figure out, okay, if the infidelity piece is not so much of a fear for you, what actual consensual kinks—what shit can you bring into your sex life with your partner that will scratch some of these itches that are really about your sexuality and not about the stuff that were talking about?

Guest: Right. Okay. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah, because you can't quite get that answer until you've dealt with this sticky, hard stuff.

Guest: Yeah.

Jessica: It's the fun part to figure out, obviously.

Guest: That's the fun homework. Okay. Great.

Jessica: That's the fun homework. But if you focus on the fun homework, which I think is your habit, you're not going to have the sense of satisfaction that you crave because nothing is better than disassociating from hard emotions, even if it costs you months and years of hard emotions. In the short term, the part of you that's very Jupiterian is just going to be like, "It doesn't matter. For now, it feels better." None of this is really about sex.

Guest: Yeah. It doesn't feel that way.

Jessica: It's not really about sex—

Guest: It's just my means for that.

Jessica: Exactly. And the part of you that loves sex and that likes hunting and weird stuff and surprises in bed—none of that is a problem. That's not your fucking problem. It's more about the foundational emotional needs, and when those don't get met, when you don't handle those, acting out of integrity, out of alignment, and out of consent—that's the place to stay.

And I do recommend bringing to your therapist, "I need to sit without judgment, and I need you, my therapist, to whenever I start to go into judgment, point it out to me. I need to sit with the feelings around what I've done and why and how I like it and what I've done and how I don't like it." But bring in the part of how you like cheating because by being able to own that part, you can bring healing to it. By continuing to hide that part, it doesn't get healed. It doesn't get integrated. And that means it stays alive.

Guest: Wow. Yeah. That's the hardest thing. Every time you say it, I just viscerally just flinch at that thing. It's just really disappointing to feel that about myself or to know that about myself. I don't want that to be the truth. It's the truth. And it's so disappointing.

Jessica: Well, I hear that. And again, I want to encourage you to be in those feelings, and also—very big and also here—and also to recognize that if you don't create a safe place to understand and be present for those emotions, then you'll never know why you have them. You'll never know, and you'll never be able to integrate them and bring them into wholeness. And so, yes, it's disappointing to have a part of you that's like, "Fucking love cheating. It's so fun, and I'm super into it."

But by acknowledging and owning those feelings, you're not indulging them. You're not giving yourself a pass. What you're doing is being interested enough in them to understand what's motivating them and to, again, integrate them. So, if you imagine that you are the only person on this planet or even a minority of people on this planet who do certain things that are really fucked up and is otherwise a perfectly lovely and great person, then you are missing out on humanity. May I show you the internet as an example of how that is not true?

Guest: Dear God.

Jessica: Yeah. So the truth of the matter is nobody is perfect. If you can be present with it and take responsibility for it without judgment and condemnation—it's not a permanent feature of your nature. It doesn't have to be. The reason why so many people as we age get less healthy and more rigid is because we avoid these things, this thing that you and I are talking about. We avoid acknowledging our fucked-up emotions or behaviors. And by not acknowledging and not being present with them, they just continue to grow and fester.

Guest: Right. Right. Like calcify.

Jessica: Exactly. Exactly. It doesn't serve you. And so it's okay to feel disappointed or frustrated with yourself, but don't let that be your only feeling. Also, come back and step into humility. So there's humility, and then there's guilt. And then there's judgment, and there's discernment. And you are so busy judging yourself that you haven't fully discerned on this issue. You feel so guilty that you're not in a true state of humility. When we are in a state of guilt, we cannot be humble, because we're so guilty. And guilt is a self-obsession.

Guest: Wow. Yeah.

Jessica: And for whatever it's worth, because of these fucking Saturn transits, my dear, it's going to feel like shit no matter what you do. So you might as well heal. You know what I mean?

Guest: Fantastic. I'm going to make use of this shitty time. Here we go.

Jessica: So, my dear, we must wrap up. And I just want to really thank you for showing up in your vulnerability and your honesty. Yeah. I really appreciate it.

Guest: Thanks. It's really hard, and I was very scared to say these things and have these things recorded and played back for other people. But I need it to happen. I'm desperate for it to happen. And there might be somebody else that needs to hear this.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I think you're right.

Guest: I desperately needed this is what it was.

Jessica: Oh, good.

Guest: It reinforced things I knew down in my heart, and it reframed things, and I have practical homework. I got out of it everything that I needed.

Jessica: I'm so happy to hear that. I'm so happy to hear that. Well, again, thank you so much for being vulnerable and brave. And yeah, be gentle with yourself through the whole process.

Guest: Yeah. Thanks. I'm going to do my darndest; that's for sure.

Jessica: I love to hear it. All right. Take really good care.

School boards and lawmakers around the country are banning and challenging books at a pace not seen since the 1980s. The American Library Association tracked 729 challenges to libraries, school, and university materials and services in 2021. And librarians have even been threatened with criminal charges and jail time in some places in this country for lending out challenged books. You can contact your representatives about this issue by emailing, calling, or tweeting at them. And above all else, buy banned and challenged books. Support the important work of authors who are being banned or challenged, and in the process, support independent bookstores. My favorite bookstore, Marcus Books, is the oldest independent Black-owned bookstore in the country and has a banned and challenged book list on their website. You can go to marcusbooks.com to see this list and to shop, or visit whatever independent bookstore that you love. Support banned and challenged books and authors today.

COVID-19 is raging again, and healthcare workers need our support. Consider donating to Emotional PPE at emotionalppe.org. They're an organization that provides any worker in healthcare impacted by COVID-19 free mental health services with licensed therapists. Another way you can help is by donating to your local general hospital's spiritual care department and to earmark that donation for staff support. Give what you can.

Darlings, darlings, darlings, let's get astrological. We are looking at the week of May 1st through the 7th of 2022. Unbelievably, we're almost halfway through this year. I don't even know how that's happened, but here we are. And on April 30th was an Eclipse. It was the first of the pair because Eclipses always happen in pairs. And so, whether you're listening to this the day the podcast comes out on the 1st or somewhere after that, this is a good moment to kind of sit with and reflect on, what's up? How are you feeling? What themes and patterns are running through your life, and in particular in regards to your emotions?

And because this was a New Moon in the zodiac sign of Taurus, if you fuck with astrology and you know where in your birth chart the sign of Taurus falls, that's the part of your life that's getting lit up by this Eclipse. So it's absolutely worth checking out, and try not to get too distracted by the details. The details are important, but when it comes to emotions, a.k.a. the Moon, we want to sit with the feelings and the assumptions, the patterns, our reactions, our entitlements, our defensiveness, all that kind of stuff.

Whatever it is that you're experiencing and have been experiencing recently is important, and it's important for you, to the best of your ability, to respond to it with kindness and empathy and to do so in a way that reflects your values because it's all happening in Taurus, the sign that governs our values and how we materially express them. So pay attention to that. Our next Eclipse will occur on May 15th. That will be a Lunar Eclipse, a.k.a. a Full Moon. And of course we'll talk about that more soon.

If you're feeling itchy to get a jump on it and know more about what to expect from the May Eclipse, you can join me over on Patreon at the kittens level, where every month, I drop a bonus episode of Ghost of a Podcast so you get the lowdown on all the major transits. Anyways, pay attention to your emotions. Stay checked in with yourself, and that includes—if you try to check in with yourself and that just feels like you can't do it, you don't have the stamina to be checked in or to be associated, that's great information. Don't judge that information. Try not to judge. Instead, see if you can accept that, if you can be present with the ways in which you feel disassociated.

When big emotional events occur like Eclipses, for a lot of people, a lot of the time, it is hard to stay emotionally present. And if you don't slip into judgment or self-destructive behaviors or attitudes, that's its own fertile ground. Wherever you're at is where you're at, and it's your starting place. Like it, love it, hate it, judge it, it's your starting place. So you'll lose a lot less energy and be more effective in your life, whatever that means, if you can give yourself permission to accept this moment. Just accept it and start from there. Start from wherever you're at. Okay? Okay.

This week's transits are mainly sextiles. So I want to give you a couple words about what sextiles are. But if you haven't listened to Episode 101 of Ghost of a Podcast, that episode was a hot take on aspects and transits in which I explain what all the different transits/aspects mean. So you may want to revisit that or listen to that if you never heard it. And I will say briefly here a sextile is a 60-degree angle. So it's when two or more planets are 60 degrees apart from each other Sextiles are dynamic and uplifting transits. And I say uplifting because they're kind of like—the symbol for it, the glyph for it, kind of looks like an asterisk. It looks like a little star. It's kind of got that glitter vibe. Sextiles give you a little extra juj between the planets or, if it's hitting your birth chart, in your day or in your month or whatever it is. They represent a dynamic, easy flow of energy.

Here's the thing. Sextiles are what are called benefics. They're positive, easy transits. But when we are having a rough time during a sextile, generally speaking, we want to check in with the systems we have set up in ourselves or in our lives because when things are working well and a sextile comes, they work even better. But if the thing that's working well is a system that is not good for us or the world, then when it works better, that's not the greatest thing in town. So that's something to keep in mind as we go through the astrology of this week.

Okay. We have our first exact transit on May 1st, and it is a sextile between Venus and Pluto. And this is a delicious and delightful transit, I'm happy to tell you. It's great for love. It's great for like. It's great for flirting and for sex. It is a transit that can deepen your connection to other people. It can deepen your willingness to love and to show up. It's a time where intimacy, closeness, love may be more important to you, where you might be feeling more connected to the reason why you want to be partnered or your partnership or your crush or whatever it is. That all can happen under this transit, but it's not surface, because Pluto is involved. Instead, it gives us this capacity and willingness to go deep and to get real, which—honestly, Venus sometimes needs a little push to go there.

And so this transit can coincide with having a really fun time flirting with somebody, feeling excited about somebody, feeling more deeply connected to someone in your life. We could also apply all of these things to your relationship to the way you look because it's Venus. So this can be a time where you go shopping and you really find clothes that you feel good about or makeup that you feel good about or whatever. This can be a time where you decide to work on your body image stuff or your beauty image stuff and feel really good about yourself or move through something.

Now, this is not a square or an opposition, so nothing's going to force you to work on anything, really. But if you do put a little effort into these themes of Venus, then Pluto will help you go deep and achieve more profound healing, connection, closeness, whatever it is. This is also a great time for looking at your finances and making sure that on a big-picture level, your financial behavior is aligned with your values; perhaps on a smaller, more immediate-picture level, that you're managing your resources in a way that actually works for you. All of these themes are related to Venus. And again, Pluto comes and deepens them. So hopefully you can use this information in whatever ways of your life.

But the upshot that I really want you to hear is that this is a good time for being close to people, for letting them know how you feel about them, and for really receiving and taking in the kindness, the sweetness, the intimacy that you have with others. If someone pays you a compliment, don't just shove it away. Don't let it just pump up your ego. Actually take it in—not just the thing that's about you, but the energy with which it was intended. Again, this can be quite a deep transit if you bring that intention to it. So it's a good one to have fun with, and it is only strengthened by the fact that on the 3rd of May, we have an exact sextile between Jupiter and Pluto, and this will of course overlap with the Venus sextile to Pluto as well.

So, because Jupiter is a social planet and Pluto is a generational planet—they're both outer planets—we can expect to see this transit play out on a social, political, kind of global stage. That's in general what we can expect with these outer-planet transits. Luckily, this is a really positive transit. It has a lot of positive potential with it. Jupiter is related to publishing news, a free press, the truth, expansion, growth, education, travel. Jupiter is a global planet. It has a global perspective, and it is not in any way clannish.

Pluto, again, is transformation and depth and intensity. It can be related to breaking down of old, outworn structures in the world or our lives, or even the building up of new structures, although Pluto really likes to burn it to the ground. When we have a sextile between these two planets, the potential here is for positive change. It's an expansive transformation. It's taking risks and having them bring you somewhere deeper and more profound than you were expecting them to. It's kind of exciting, right?

And so the potential here is that there are some sort of wins or positive shifts in direction around the free press, around the communication and amplification of the truth. This is where we want to really pay attention to what's happening in the world because our capacity to make positive change and have our small actions have a big impact are stronger during the Jupiter sextile to Pluto. And this transit—like I said, it's exact on this date, but it's going to be felt around this date, not just on the date. So leverage this energy to the best of your ability.

If you were thinking about calling someone in politics and letting them know what you fucking think or using Resistbot or some other tool to send something digitally to lawmakers in your area, letting them know what you think of what they're doing or not doing, this is a good date for doing it. Put it in your calendar. Automate it. Make it easy. And if you don't know what Resistbot is, it's really easy. It's a service that's free that you can use to compose and send letters to elected officials, and all you have to do is text the word "resist" to 50409. It's so easy. That's 50409. It is so easy. It's a way to actually make an impact. Again, if you've been thinking you wanted to do something but weren't sure what to do, this—it involves lifting your fingers but literally nothing else. So, Jupiter sextile Pluto, pay attention.

Now, on a more personal level, this can coincide with big spiritual development. And so this is actually a really great time for you to carefully, because we're still in Eclipse season, check in with yourself, with your own development. And when I talk about doing something spiritual, there are so many levels on which this happens. If you're super woo, then you don't need me to explain it because you have your own woo practice, or if you're religious, you have your own religious practices. But for people who are not especially spiritual or religious, doing something physical can be a spiritual experience. Walking in nature, listening to music, or being in the presence of art that really moves you—I mean, there are so many ways that we can experience spirituality, and they don't always have to be in a religious or woo way.

So it's really about doing something that touches you on a soul level or considering your own evolution, your own big-picture development, because again, remember the planet Jupiter is related to big-picture developments, and Pluto goes deep. And so, if there are things that you need to bring reform to within you or in your life, this is a great week for it. This is a great transit for it. You may have opportunities emerge, and if so, seriously consider them because, again, Jupiter tends to bring expansive opportunities. And that includes if you have the chance to, I don't know, hang out alone with yourself for a day and just actually enjoy it. It doesn't have to look good on social media to be really good for you.

Be open to making spontaneous—maybe even adventurous—changes, stepping outside of your comfort zone to facilitate some sort of healing or growth, or maybe even do something fun. This can be a time where you can expand. So consider what parts of yourself or what parts of your life have been feeling stagnant and could use a little jump-start, because that's where you want to point your energy this Jupiter/Pluto sextile.

On the 4th, we have another sextile between Mars and Uranus, and again, this transit is overlapping with the Jupiter/Pluto sextile and the Venus/Pluto sextile as well. Mars sextile Uranus is another really lovely transit. Mars is your ambition. It's your sex drive. It's anger and agency. And Uranus is autonomy, individuation, and experimentation. And so, when these two planets form a 60-degree angle, it's fun. It's fun; it's exciting. This is a great time for hooking up. This is a great time for trying new things, starting new things, especially taking risks, because Mars and Uranus are both pretty fucking bold.

There is a lot of energy in this transit, also in the Jupiter/Pluto sextile. So, if you are willing to make use of that energy, it can be really fun and really exciting. It's a great time for going on dates, but it's not necessarily going to bring you something super stable, because it's Uranus. But it might. It's just about being here in the moment and being present for whatever is happening and kind of running with it. Mars literally governs running. So have fun. This isn't the time to curtail or limit your self-expression or your sexuality. This is a good time instead for exploring those things, for playing with possibility and potential. Kind of exciting. It's a lovely transit.

And everything I just said needs to be tempered with the other transit I'm going to tell you about, which is exact on the 5th. On the 5th, we have an exact Sun conjunction to Uranus and an exact Mercury sextile to Venus. So let me start with the Mercury sextile to Venus, which—if you're on the East Coast or on the other side of the pond, you're going to see this as being exact on the 7th. But this transit, I don't find it to be a very impactful one. It's a Mercury sextile to Venus. But it is really good for socializing, for making connections, for kind of smoothing over ruffled feathers and facilitating connection that feels lovely. So it's a lovely transit.

However, because the Sun is conjunct to Uranus exactly on the 5th, it's more of a wind beneath one's wings as opposed to the star of the show. Okay. So the Sun conjunction to Uranus is the only challenging transit of the week, and also has really positive expression. So let's go. Okay. Sun conjunction to Uranus is a transit that stimulates your nervous system. And so it can make you feel really restless. It can make you feel distracted. It can make you feel impulsive and have you chafing at authority and people telling you what the fuck to do or how to feel or what to think. So you can see how this transit would spark conflicts, right?

Uranus is not interested in ego battles. It's not interested in power struggles. However, it is rebellious in nature, and so it can spark impulsive energies and behavior that has unintended consequences. And this can happen from you or within you, but it can also happen with the people around you. So—I don't know—watch out on the road because people might not be paying attention. They may be acting weird at work, in social situations, whatever. People might be acting in surprising ways, and it's important that you don't take it too personally, because this transit tends to evoke the unexpected in people. And so this is a good time to be interested in what's happening around you instead of too attached to what it means. Wait 72 hours to see what it means. But for now, just let people's situations reveal themselves to you, and pay attention to what your own conduct reveals about yourself.

This transit can coincide with feeling really irritated, depressed, frustrated, all that kind of stuff. And it's not that long; it's three days total, exact on this date. But it has a really positive set of potentials as well, and this is what you want to focus on. This transit sparks excitement, life-affirming excitement, and sometimes upsets and distractions and excitement and feeling really alive happen all at once. There is a quote by Fritz Perls, who is the founder of Gestalt therapy, which is, "Fear is excitement without breath." This is true. Anxiety/fear is excitement without breath—not always, but actually often, and in particular in the context of Uranian transits, this can be the case. Bring breath to the things you're excited about so that they don't shift into anxiety for you, and see what this does this Sun conjunction to Uranus.

This transit represents a moment where you can create real change in your life, and not just rebellion, although sometimes rebellion is the best possible thing. But this is about taking a break from convention, breaking out of limitations or limiting thinking, limiting behavior, whatever it is, and trying something new. Uranus is the innovator. It's the inventor of the zodiac. So I encourage you to explore possibility with this transit. Whenever we're dealing with Uranus transits, it is wise and healthy to be flexible because Uranus is all about exploring change but also has kind of a fixed energy to it. So what you want to do is be interested and open and flexible on this date, whether it's with yourself or with others, and that'll honestly help you to make the most of this transit.

And I will say that it is very lucky that this particular transit is sandwiched by the Mars sextile to Uranus, influenced by the Jupiter sextile to Pluto, and the other slice of bread of the sandwich is a May 7th exact sextile between the planets the Sun and Mars. I'm going to tell you all about it, but I want to first contextualize, whenever we're looking at individual transits, it's important to consider what they individually mean, but then also what they mean in the context of the bigger picture. So, in the bigger picture of this week's horoscope, the Sun conjunction to Uranus is most likely to have the positive impacts and the positive potential that I'm referring to because of all the easy, supportive transits around it.

This can be a time where on a more societal or social level, something unexpected happens and it becomes a leverage point for greater liberty for the people, which is really exciting—fingers crossed. Okay. Back to the 7th. On the 7th, we have an exact Sun sextile to Mars. This transit is another lovely transit. It's a time where your will, the Sun, and your ego, Mars, are having a happy, easy conversation. So, whether you need to stand up for yourself, you need to mobilize on something, you just want to feel strong and good in your body or your psychology, this transit is very supportive to all that. And it's important for me to note that the Sun is in Taurus and Mars is in Pisces. So you can look to those parts of your birth chart to have a better understanding of what parts of your life and what parts of your nature are getting triggered by this transit.

Sun sextile to Mars is a really fortifying transit—again, great for flirting and sex and mobilizing on your desires and ambitions. This is a great time for strengthening anything, pretty much—your body, your identity, in particular because we're dealing with the Sun and Mars. But whatever part of your life is being triggered by this transit is the place you want to bring your energy and your intention. This is a great time to do something. And with the Eclipses, you always will hear me say this isn't the time to do things, but here we've shifted away from the Solar Eclipse, and we have this very mobilizing, catalyzing energy this week, and very much this particular transit is those two things. So, if things need to get done, especially if you feel like you've been kind of behind, the energy at play today is really supportive to that. So tap into it so that you can make the most of it and you can kind of get the most benefit from it.

Now, my loves, let me run through all these transits again just in case you're taking notes. On the 1st, we have an exact sextile between Venus and Pluto. On May 3rd, Jupiter forms an exact sextile to Pluto. And on the 4th, Mars forms an exact sextile to Uranus. On the 5th, the Sun is conjoined to Uranus in Taurus, and Mercury is exactly sextile to Venus. And then, finally, on the 7th, there's a Sun sextile to Mars.

Don't forget that I have free transcripts of the podcast every week available on my website. And also, of course, every day is a good day to subscribe to Astrology For Days, my astrologers' pro tool for tracking transits and taking notes. You can find that on my website at astrologyfordays.com.

I want to thank you for tuning in to Ghost this week and every week. And if you haven't already subscribed to the podcast, please do. It actually makes a really big difference. And give it five stars wherever you listen to it, if you're the kind of person who's into stars. And let me just leave you with this little reminder: if you're only willing to enjoy light that doesn't cast shadow, you're basically condemning herself to live in the darkness. Do not fear difficult things or your own shadow side. Instead, strive for wholeness. Okay. I'll talk to you next week. Buh-bye.