Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            Welcome to Ghost. I am very excited to be able to talk to you and your little friend.

Tahnee:           My little baby boy.

Jessica:            Your little Mr. Man. Baz, right? That's his name?

Tahnee:           That's his name.

Jessica:            And what kind of cat is he?

Tahnee:           He's just a little black cat, a little muttsky, probably from the streets of Baltimore, Maryland. But that is not where I live.

Jessica:            So did you move with him, or did somebody move him?

Tahnee:           Someone moved him. I rehomed him from a good friend of mine in 2017. He was moving and couldn't take him, and he just posted him up and was just like, "Can anyone take care of this cat?" And I looked at him and said, "Bring him here."

Jessica:            Oh yeah. I can see why. Okay. Actually, I've locked in on him. So here's my question: what's your question? How can I help?

Tahnee:           I kind of framed it a little bit as a difference of attachment styles. I often say we're two black cats. And everyone who's ever known me has always identified me as a cat in various ways, and the stereotypical aloof, independent⁠ "I will reach out to you when I want" kind of cat, "Please adore me and leave me the fuck alone," kind of.

                        And my experience of Baz is attached, very attached. He is not just attached to me; he loves people. But he is a really anxious, fearful cat. He's moved around a lot in his life, and with me, he's moved three times in five years. We moved twice during the pandemic. And most of the time, he's been a room cat. And I know that he's not in love with the idea of being⁠—he doesn't love closed doors.

Jessica:            No. I've never met a cat who does. Yeah.

Tahnee:           Yeah. But he's definitely like, "You left me." And in different living situations, we've never had the ability to really have a full space that is ours. And I would want that for him, but also, circumstances are what they are. And he's had the most freedom and most space to roam in this house than he has really ever had, but there is a dog that lives here, and him and the dog⁠—no.

Jessica:            Right. And so he's not a room cat currently?

Tahnee:           He's not solely a room cat, but he does stay on the third floor of this house.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. But he chooses to because there's a dog, but he's not⁠—

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Tahnee:           He's not all the time bound in the room unless I'm not here.

Jessica:            Okay. And do you work from home?

Tahnee:           I do, but both of my partners are cat allergic, so I go to them.

Jessica:            Oh. Okay. So you're not there a lot.

Tahnee:           I'm not there a lot. And I will be very honest. I do push him away a lot because I love him so very much, and also, I am like, "Please love me from over there."

Jessica:            Right. Because you're in situations where he doesn't have⁠—you're not in an easy, happy cat house, getting a second cat wouldn't make sense, correct?

Tahnee:           There is a second cat that lives here. They just met face-to-face today for the first time in months.

Jessica:            How did it go?

Tahnee:           It went really well.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I'm not surprised to hear that.

Tahnee:           He's been pining for Tulip behind the door for months and months, like, "There is a cat back there, and I want to meet her." But they met today in an off chance, and it was just the sweetest little sniff of those snoots.

Jessica:            Aw. And so is there a reason why your flatmate won't let their cat out to hang out with your cat?

Tahnee:           It's schedules and neurodivergence and needing to plan for certain things to happen.

Jessica:            I see.

Tahnee:           Yeah. We've been talking about, like, "We should let them meet." But it just hadn't happened yet.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. So here's the question that I have for you. What is it that you want to know?

Tahnee:           I remember when he wasn't chatty at all. And I know that black cats can be chatty. Black boy cats can be chatty. And he wasn't until he suddenly was. And there's a lot of times where I'm looking at him, and he is really actively trying to get me to hear him say something. And I'm like, "I cannot understand you."

Jessica:            Yeah. So I don't know if this is true, but I have read that cats don't actually meow at each other a lot. It's an adaptive skill that they've learned to communicate with us. They see that we are verbal, and so they verbalize. When I as an animal communicator talk to cats, I'm not meowing in my head, I can assure you. Right?

Tahnee:           Absolutely.

Jessica:            So he's definitely trying to get your attention. And from the situation you've described, I mean, you already know why, right? He wants more attention, he wants more freedom, and he doesn't want to be alone. So you've already told me that.

Tahnee:           I guess maybe the thing I want to know is if I'm doing well by him, if he's really upset with me for leaving or for being more aloof and distant. And there are some times where I can tell he is upset with me. And I think I really approached it as, like, can this be a mediated conversation? Because ⁠—hi, sir. Welcome. Yeah.

Jessica:            He's up from his nap. That's right.

Tahnee:           He is. He's looking like, "Who woke me up?" I want to know if he knows how much I love him. And also, I would like to apologize for who and how I am, and also know if he feels secure and safe with me.

Jessica:            So, before I get into that, I want to just be really emphatic. My personal take on cats⁠—our cat friends, our dog friends, our domesticated animals friends⁠—is that they are persons, they have their own personhood, and that they have feelings, needs, preferences, personalities, all those things. And of course, I'm going to facilitate this conversation for you. But my question is are you able or willing to change or give at all, or do you only want him to know how you feel so that⁠—

Tahnee:           I am absolutely willing to change or find another solution.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. Okay. So, all of that said, say his name.

Tahnee:           Baz.

Jessica:            And what do you actually call him?

Tahnee:           Bubba, mostly.

Jessica:            Okay. I got him. Hold on. Yeah. He's very communicative. He's very worried. He's very worried. He knows that you think about getting rid of him all the time. This is what he's telling me. It's not how you worded it, but I trust him. And he's not at all confident that he would go somewhere better, and so he's scared of losing you. He knows you love him, and he also knows that there's not really room for him. I wonder if you've been seeing an increase in his anxiety because I think he's becoming increasingly anxious as it's increasingly clear to you that this is an imperfect situation that you're not 100 percent interested in or able to⁠—either/or⁠—remedy.

                        And so the more aware of that he is, the more distant you become. The more aware of it you are, the more aware of it he is. The more distant you are, the more needy he is⁠—obviously, as you or I would be. And then that intensifies your feelings. He's terrified of being rehomed. I'm going to be totally frank with you. He is absolutely terrified. That doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. But if he's rehomed and then rehomed and then rehomed and then rehomed, it is terrible for him.

                        If you find an authentically perfect situation, which⁠—how can you control that⁠—then it could be an improvement in his life for sure. But it's like⁠—me, Jessica, as I think about this, it's really different than how he's feeling about it. This⁠—you said it's his third home?

Tahnee:           I'm the second person he's lived with, I believe.

Jessica:            He's showing me third.

Tahnee:           Okay.

Jessica:            He's showing me third.

Tahnee:           Oh. Yes. He did live with someone before Brian. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. So this is his third home. And the Brian was a very chaotic, very loud place to be. It was too much activity, too much noise, and it was loud. It was very loud. And then, moving to you, it was just like being in a box, a quiet, quiet box. And so it at first was both confusing but also like, "Oh my God. What a relief. What a relief." So I imagine in the first six months to a year, this relationship worked a lot better than it has more recently. Is that correct?

Tahnee:           Yeah. When we first got each other, it was kind of like, "Oh, good." I fully imagined that he would be what I felt I needed at the time, which was an emotional support animal.

Jessica:            Yeah. He was. And you provided security and stability and more calm than he had ever experienced. But a number of things happened, some of them having to do with you and nothing to do with him, some of them having to do with your circumstances⁠—like living circumstances, COVID, yada, yada, and he does understand what COVID is. I mean, not in the way that maybe you or I do, but he does understand that there's something happening.

Tahnee:           There was a very marked difference between the pre-Covidian era and where we are now.

Jessica:            Yeah. He really knows. He super knows. But I'll say he needs more life. He doesn't have a lot of life right now. His whole life revolves around you, and I don't mean this in a critical way, but you yourself have said you are not available for him even when you're physically present a lot of the time. And so he feels panicked about it. He's just like, "How can I get you to like me? How can I get you to take care of me? I am alone in here." He does not want to be alone in a room. He doesn't want to be alone in a house. I'm sorry.

Tahnee:           No. He doesn't. I know.

Jessica:            He doesn't. He doesn't. He's a very communicative cat, so that's why at the beginning, I was like, "Is there room for change?" because if there isn't room for change, there isn't as much of a value in this conversation. He knows what he would ideally like. And are you in a warm location? What state are you in?

Tahnee:           I'm in Pennsylvania. I'm in Philly.

Jessica:            Okay. So it's freezing. Okay, because he would like access to go outside, first of all.

Tahnee:           I know he does.

Jessica:            He wants to go outside.

Tahnee:           He was an indoor/outdoor cat before I got him.

Jessica:            And he's tough. He can take care of himself. Also, that means his whole life doesn't have to hinge on you. And he honestly doesn't⁠—he understands that you think you're keeping him safe, but he's just like, "You're keeping me trapped, not safe."

Tahnee:           And I know.

Jessica:            You know.

Tahnee:           I can sense that. I've been dreaming about where I live next. I've baked a lot of that⁠—like obviously, we need a garden or a backyard because I'm a witch and I need to garden, but also so that I can trust that he can be outside.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad that that's in your mind. And I would say when you put that in your⁠—whatever kind of manifestation style work you do, if you do any⁠—I feel like you do, so that's why I'm saying it. You're not just manifesting for yourself; you're manifesting for him. The things that make the two of you compatible don't work when you have 100 percent of freedom and he has 2 percent. It's like a relationship dynamic that doesn't work, and also, it's just he is unhappy. He is actively unhappy.

                        He knows that you love him. And what's happening right now is that his love for you is so colored by panic because you're going to get rid of him, because you're mad at him, because you're annoyed by him, because you're all of these things. He is so worried about what you're going to do and what you're not going to do and how it's going to impact him that it's making it so that he's not as loving because he's scared. And you know how this is. This is like a⁠—

Tahnee:           He looks at me scared.

Jessica:            He's terrified. Yeah.

Tahnee:           And I think the thing that got me to message you was like, "I think my cat is now scared of me."

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry.

Tahnee:           And I know that I did that.

Jessica:            I mean, one thing that I think is important for you to know is that you're telling him loud and clear that you are planning on getting rid of him. He knows. You tell him often. And I don't think you're meaning to do that.

Tahnee:           No. But I know exactly⁠—

Jessica:            But you are. Yeah. Yeah. You are. And so, every time you do that, you make him more scared of you. You make him more scared in general. He becomes more destabilized and more panicked to stay, not because he's happy, not because he loves you, but because basically what he's hearing is, "I'm going to get rid of you," not, "I know this person. She is in her 60s, and she loves hanging out on the couch, and she also has a backyard, and I feel like you'd be happy." You are not giving that story at all. You're like, "This isn't working. You gotta go." That's how he's hearing it.

I think that there's a lot of things happening. Hold on. Sorry. I mean, he has a list, and he's very clear with me about that list of what he needs and what he wants. And he's scared if he⁠—because he's not giving me the go-ahead to say it to you. He's scared if I say it to you that you will just be like, "Well, that's it. I'm getting rid of him." What I am seeing⁠—me, Jessica, not him⁠—is that this is actually an iteration of a trauma pattern from your own childhood.

Tahnee:           Yes, it is. I was actually literally about to say one of the things that I realized over the last five years is that this is very much like a reiteration of my mom and me, with Baz being me and me being my mom. At one point, I was just like, "Baz is helping me heal my avoidant, disorganized attachment," and I realized that I really just enact it.

Jessica:            Yeah. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Tahnee:           No. I'm 38.

Jessica:            You're 38. I was like, "You're somewhere having a Saturn transit." And yes. That would be it.

Tahnee:           I just got out of a real intense Saturn transit. I was under Saturn square, but also⁠—

Jessica:            Saturn square.

Tahnee:           ⁠—I had a year and a half of Saturn transiting over my Moon and lost both of my maternal grandparents and my⁠—there's been a lot, a lot happening in the last [crosstalk].

Jessica:            That makes sense. That makes sense. So let's just pull back from Baz for just a moment because he is incredibly wise, and I think he's right that if I just give you his list of what he needs, it will overwhelm you, shut you down, and then, contrary to all your wisdom, you'll act out. What you've done is put yourself in a situation unconsciously, unintentionally, and perfectly⁠—perfectly⁠—that gives you the opportunity to break cycles of abuse and trauma.

                        And in order to do it, you have to stay emotionally present with the strongest emotions you'd like to avoid as a means of survival. Your lizard brain is like, "Avoid these emotions at all cost." So feeling trapped, yeah, it's at the bottom of your to-do list. Feeling obligated, these things⁠—they really fuck you up, it looks like. And so you're referring to attachment styles. That's outside of my expertise and skill set, but I will say⁠—sorry. He's talking to me.

                        There is an element here of if you are⁠—and God, I'm sorry; it's like Baz doesn't want me to say this because he's scared of what you'll do. There's an element here of, if you have a cat, then you have to have the cat. Then that's your choice. And you can choose to no longer have a cat, but what that doesn't do is make your next Saturn transit any better, I can assure you, because⁠—

Tahnee:           Part of what I'm supposed to do feels very much like I can't just say, "Well, this doesn't work, and what I need is no encumberment." I need to learn how to have healthy attachments.

Jessica:            Yes, and more than that. It's more than that. It's that, yes, but the term "attachments"⁠—I'm worried about it for you because I feel like at one point, it was such a revelation, the term "attachment," the concept of attachment, but now, it's just a synonym for being trapped. Really, what it is is that you chose Baz because you wanted more love in your life. And you had more love. And then your circumstances went topsy-turvy, out of control, and you fell back on trauma-pattern coping mechanisms.

                        And you deserve to have that love that you chose when you chose Baz. And Baz deserves to have the love that he deserves to have. And I am saying this, but what I am also saying is little-kid you deserves to be cared for and loved even when you're a pain in the ass. The thing about these Saturn phases is that they teach us to parent our adult selves, to parent our inner child self. And because you don't have human children, you're playing it out with your cat. And also, I imagine, in your love life you've done a pretty good job of navigating around this with your big old noodle noggin, so you've been able to manage this.

                        But with cats, animals, their primary communication is love. It's intimacy, for better or worse. And what's happening here is you got some really great love. You picked a cat that was great for you until you got triggered. And then your coping mechanism is not actually coping. It's as you're naming it; it's avoiding coping. And it's making your problem worse, which⁠—again, we're in a cycle. We're in a messy, messy cycle. So say your full name out loud for me.

Tahnee:           [redacted]

Jessica:            What's your other last name? Is [redacted] your mom's last name?

Tahnee:           It was my dad's last name.

Jessica:            What's your mom's last name?

Tahnee:           [redacted]

Jessica:            Better. Thank you. Okay. I see what you do. Do you meditate?

Tahnee:           Sometimes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Meditation is a pain in the ass. I mean, I know people love it, but it's hard.

Tahnee:           I tell my clients, "Anything you do repetitively that you engage in in an active way is meditation." So I try to approach meditation that way.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's a good way. I'm going to give you annoying advice. I mean, it's excellent advice. It's going to be fucking annoying. Get ready.

Tahnee:           I'm ready.

Jessica:            So the next time Baz agitates you in any way⁠—a couple steps. Step one, notice it. Step two, notice where you feel it in your body. It looks like there's a lot of tightening in your chest. There's some tightening in your solar plexus and sometimes tightening in your throat. Does that resonate?

Tahnee:           Mm-hmm. All of that.

Jessica:            So okay. So, if you notice that, if you notice where you're feeling it, okay. See if you can breathe into it and stay with it for⁠—put the timer on your phone⁠—30 seconds. That's it. 15 seconds if 30 feels too long. After a period of doing this of weeks or months, you can go up from 30 seconds to a whole minute. You could go a little longer if you want. You don't ever have to get past a minute or 30 seconds if you don't want.

                        But what I'm encouraging you to do is practice staying with your feelings because the pattern is you feel something, and it comes in hot, and it comes in and it shuts your shit down. And you flee the scene because it's too scary and painful. You flee the scene, thereby compounding all the problems, so they're waiting for you. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy or a reiteration of childhood neglect and harm that was perpetrated against you that you are now perpetrating against yourself through the vehicle of your relationship with Baz in this moment.

                        So, by practicing just staying present 30 seconds with where you feel it in your body, you start to change the pattern. Subtly but profoundly, you change the pattern. Hold on. Okay. So he says you're always doing something with your hands. Are you fidgety?

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So he's⁠—it's fine if you move around your hands when you do it. You may need to do jazz hands, spirit fingers, or whatever. You know what I mean? You might need to physically stem in order to find yourself.

Tahnee:           Yeah. That's really what it is. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. He says that that will help you. He says you get real in your head about, are you doing it right? And then you're in your head that you're not doing it right, and then you're not doing it at all. So yeah. Again, he's a very good person for you.

Tahnee:           [crosstalk] attention.

Jessica:            Yes. His advice, to piggyback on my advice, is to stem while you do it, to physically stem while you do it. That will help you to do it. Okay. So yeah. Let's slow down because that is real. He actually loves you. He actually looks out for you.

Tahnee:           I know he does.

Jessica:            Yeah. And also, he's doing what you did with your mom, which⁠—he's trying to take care of you so that you take care of him.

Tahnee:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Both true. They're both true, right? I know. I'm emo, too. Yeah. It's intense. And sometimes what he's doing that you perceive as him being needy is him desperately trying to take care of you.

Tahnee:           I have definitely felt that. He does this thing. One of his hind paws is the one that he has to have on you, and I've always called it the paw of consciousness.

Jessica:            That's sweet. He does it partially because he wants to help you, and he does it partially because you're asking him to, and he does it partially because he wants to be safe and he understands the only way to be safe is if you're safe, because you're the only one who looks out for him at all in the world. He is alone in that room. No one checks in on him is what he's showing me. He feels very alone when you're gone, and you're gone a lot.

Tahnee:           I've been gone a lot recently. I have been asking my roommate to check in on him and feed him while I'm gone, but it's for a little bit, and it's not me. And it's⁠—you know.

Jessica:            And it's also like [redacted] comes in the room, closes the door, is scared, like unsure what she's supposed to be doing in there, or she's distracted. She's got such different energy than you. And he's just like, "What am I supposed to do? I can't relax into this." This person's coming in to be like, "Meow, meow, meow. Bye," and that's it. And so it's not⁠—

Tahnee:           It doesn't register as⁠—

Jessica:            It's not a life. It's not a life. And there are cats who would be chill with that, but he was an outdoor cat. He's had a life, so he knows the world. And so this brings us to the real thing. Hold on. Let me just see if it's okay. The real thing is I think⁠—I'm so sorry to say it this way, and Baz is really 50 percent sure that you're going to get rid of him if I do. And I don't want you to do that, honestly, because I'm seeing things from his perspective. You don't have anyone lined up. And so getting rid of him is not⁠—it would be getting rid of him. It wouldn't be rehoming him.

Tahnee:           Right. I don't have⁠—

Jessica:            Rehoming is not how he sees it at all.

Tahnee:           He sees it as me being like⁠—making good on a threat.

Jessica:            It's getting rid of him. It's getting rid of him. So I know that the concept of rehoming is like a concept now. I've seen it in questions from people a lot. But I can assure you there are very few animals, domesticated animals, they feel that they're being rehomed. They feel that they're being gotten rid of. That is real. And so I'm not saying that to make anyone feel bad, but let's be realistic.

Tahnee:           I know. My cat brain kicks in and is like, yeah, no, a cat doesn't understand, "I'm going to someone who will care for me more." They are just like, "This thing is over, and why is it changing?"

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. Yeah. And also, I mean, if you look at what happened with the last dude, it was an improvement until it wasn't. And so, then, it puts him in this constant state of anxiety because he can be gotten rid of at any time, and it could be better or worse. And even if it's better, for how long? He's so smart that he requires more intentional care than another cat might, because he's so smart.

Tahnee:           And it's so funny because I call him a dingbat all the time.

Jessica:            He's not a dingbat.

Tahnee:           I'm sure of it.

Jessica:            He is not a dingbat. No. He's a cat, and he acts like an adorable little cat. But he's⁠—

Tahnee:           He acts like a kitten all the time.

Jessica:            Yeah. I see that. But he's incredibly smart. He's the one who told me that you should be stemming when you try to stay with your difficult emotions. I would not have caught that. He's that smart. He's smart enough to get you and to see you and to be scared where he needs to be scared and all that.

Tahnee:           I know what he's seen me doing. I used to do belly dance, and so I will do hand twirls or things with arms.

Jessica:            He loves it. He loves it, and it makes you well. When you do that, you're well, and you're playful with him. Even though you're not actively engaging with him, you're energetically engaging with him. You're playing. So okay. I'll just be perfectly clear. He wants a ground-floor apartment with access to a backyard. It can be very small. It could be a dirt patch. It does not matter. He says that you could be gardening up and down. You don't have to garden side to side.

Tahnee:      Okay.

Jessica:      Does that make sense?

Tahnee:      Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So it doesn't matter how big the garden is at all, and he says that that's been in your way. You have this vision of what you want in a backyard, and it's not super attainable at this moment, or you haven't thought it was. So, again, it can be real small, as long as there's room to go up/down.

Tahnee:           Smart little shit. I know exactly what I've been thinking of. "Oh, maybe the next spot, I have to have one of those wall guard"⁠—like the⁠—

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah. It's vertical. It goes up and down. Yeah. He sees that. I mean, he's telling me this because you've told him this. So he's saying that's good for him. He just needs a life that's not all around you, because you've created a situation where this cat completely, 100 percent relies on you for 100 percent everything, and then you feel trapped because he's too needy.

Tahnee:           Yeah. It's exactly the relationship with my mother.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I see it's uncannily your relationship with your mother. So what do you wish your mother had done? What do you think your mother should have done?

Tahnee:           I wanted my mom to believe me. And I believe you, Baz. I promise I do.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Tahnee:           My childhood was a really confusing one. Both my parents are immigrants. They met in Boston. I was conceived up there. I was born here. My mom and dad had an argument shortly after I was born, and then my mom went back to Boston with me for the first year of my life and then brought me back to Philly. I am attached to her. And I was the only child for the first eight years, and then my two sisters happened. And then my dad died very suddenly.

Jessica:            I'm so sorry.

Tahnee:           And that's my mom's Saturn Return story. No, that was her Christ-year story. Our family has a really interesting Saturn cycle between the four of us.

Jessica:            Yeah. The thing that I can see that you learned in your childhood is that being loved isn't enough, and even being protected isn't enough. You're saying being heard⁠—part of what I'm saying is acknowledging the child you have, acknowledging the cat you have, acknowledging the reality of the person you're with. And also, what you're saying is you can be aware of all those things and not have the economic or mental ability to do anything.

So there's an element here of you having the ability through your situation with Baz to have a little more empathy for parts of your mom's journey and to depersonalize some of what she did wrong because it was a reflection of what's wrong with her as opposed to how she felt about you or her making choices with you. I mean, she did make choices, but also, as you can see in your situation, it doesn't feel like a choice in the moment even though it is a choice.

Tahnee:      Yes.

Jessica:            So, back to Baz, if you really want to know what he wants, he desperately wants to not be trapped in a room. So I want you to note, if you lived in a studio apartment, that would be fine because he wouldn't be isolated from parts of the space.

Tahnee:           Right. Our last apartment was a one-bedroom, but the door couldn't close, so he just could walk the entire length. But he would meow every time I left the apartment.

Jessica:            Right. He doesn't want to be alone.

Tahnee:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So I am not saying get a second cat, because I don't think you're in a position to get a second cat if you're already having a hard time taking care of the responsibility of a first cat. But he doesn't want to be alone. There's no part of this guy who wants to be alone.

Tahnee:           No. He's not a⁠—yeah. He likes having a lot of people to love on him.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. He would also like a cat to love on. He just wants life. And I think that this is the most important thing for you to hear, is⁠—because this is what he just keeps on showing me⁠—he's not fixated on living with another cat. He is not fixated on any one thing. He really would like to be outside.

Tahnee:           He just wants more⁠—

Jessica:            He wants a life, and right now he doesn't have a life. He's sleeping in a room.

Tahnee:           I legitimately said the same thing about myself for like the last four out of five years.

Jessica:            Okay. So this is very deep.

Tahnee:           It is. Before this living situation and before the apartment that came before this, I was living with a friend for three years, and we really did live in a room. By the time COVID hit, it was definitely like Baz is most comfortable in the bed because I was in the bed all the time, and he's like, "This is where we go to be together."

Jessica:            Right. Right. And it's also "where I know I am safe."

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            And part of being safe is someone being aware that you're there and caring. And what he is showing me is that you're the kind of person⁠—wherever you are, you're there. So, if you're with your partner or one of your partners, you're there; you're not with Baz. Your energy is not with your other partner; your energy is with the partner that you're with. That's the kind of person you are. And that's not good or bad. It is what it is.

                        But what he is scared for me to communicate to you but really wants you to understand is how alone he is, how frequently⁠—to understand when you're like, "Why is he needy? Why is he meowing?" to think about how alone he is how much of the time, and how that's⁠—it's like, what else is he supposed to do? He's not furniture. He's a person, you know?

Tahnee:           Right. He's a whole person.

Jessica:            He's a whole person.

Tahnee:           And he meows most of the time when I'm talking to anyone else.

Jessica:            Of course, because he's like, "You're here, and this is what you're doing."

Tahnee:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Everything he's saying⁠—

Tahnee:           Is so fair.

Jessica:            It's so fair. It's so fair.

Tahnee:           I'm not mad at any of it. If I'm mad at anything, it's the fact that I knew all of this. And there's just the "I don't understand."

Jessica:            You do, but also, this is⁠—we can make choices that feel real different than our family of origin. They look different. Everyone says they're different. Everyone knows they're different. But at the end of the day, you don't escape your birth chart. You don't escape your early developmental experiences. You don't escape your animal brain. You just find unique, kind of individualistic ways of playing it out. I almost said queer-ass. Are you Queer?

Tahnee:           Yes. Very.

Jessica:            Okay. I almost said that, but then I was like, "I don't want to make assumptions." But let's make assumptions. You found very Queer ways of re-creating the very things⁠—right? So you did it with a fucking cat. Yeah, you did. Very Queer.

Tahnee:           Yeah, I did. Yep.

Jessica:            Yeah, you did.

Tahnee:           And I've been referring to him as my child, the only child I'll ever have.

Jessica:            And it's funny because he doesn't think of himself as your kid.

Tahnee:           I know he doesn't. There are times where I walk into this door, and he's leaned up on my pillows like he is my husband, being like⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Tahnee:           ⁠—"[crosstalk] have you been?"

Jessica:            That's a lot closer to how he feels. He feels like he's a man. He believes in his own⁠—he's a man. He has lived a life as a man in the world, and now he is like a stuffed animal on your bed. And he's not a fan of it. And again, this is a triggering thing for your own relationship with your mom. Every time I say this, I'm like, I see it, but he does not believe, based on this conversation, anything is going to change. I'm just going to be totally frank with you about this. And so I want to give you actionables because I'm a fucking Capricorn.

Tahnee:           And I responded very well to actionables.

Jessica:            Excellent. Okay. Okay. Great. First, let me ask you, are you on a lease? Can you move, realistically?

Tahnee:           Actually, that's a lot of the conversation that I'm having right now because I was already planning or thinking of moving⁠—

Jessica:            Great.

Tahnee:           ⁠—before my sibling died, and now it's feeling like I have to.

Jessica:            You gotta get out. I agree with that. Everybody agrees. Now, we'll see about the leaseholder and whether or not they agree. But I don't know what your finances are, and I don't know what rents are like in Philly, but Baz has lived in a neighborhood that he would like to go back to. So, when he was an outdoor cat, do you know where he lived?

Tahnee:           South Philly.

Jessica:            Okay. Do you like South Philly?

Tahnee:           It's where we moved from. I loved South Philly for the time that I was there. I moved to West, where all the aging Queer punks go to pasture, mainly to be closer to partners and community members. And it's been a weird fit.

Jessica:            Is it more or less expensive where you are now?

Tahnee:           It is more expensive.

Jessica:            Okay.

Tahnee:           And Philly is skyrocketing.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. I mean, I think of it as a cheap place to live because I am old and it once was.

Tahnee:           It once was.

Jessica:            It once was. So I'll say this. Cats have excellent sense of direction. Outdoor cats⁠—they've got a nice little orbit that they know. So the fact that he wants to move back to South Philly is not necessarily⁠—you know. But I think if he wants to live in South Philly and you preferred South Philly, I would just⁠—and it's cheaper. If it hits those three points, I would say when you look, don't just open a door for the Universe to let something come in; open the windows, too.

                        So, in this situation, opening the door would be West Philly. Opening the windows is South Philly. And if the perfect place shows up at the right price, then that's the fucking Universe saying, "Go back to South Philly." From his perspective, the perfect place⁠—okay, so this is actually not his perspective; he thinks this is what is perfect for you⁠—is living in a big space with your bedroom on one side and a roommate's bedroom on the other side, and they like cats but they don't have a cat, and that they have their own life. And sometimes they like to connect, and other times they don't, but that they're really spacious in terms of how they communicate.

                        So he thinks⁠—Baz thinks⁠—you actually do better living with someone, even though you don't necessarily love living with people. But it just needs to be kind of like a big-ass, sprawling place so that you have the advantages of kind of being on your own. He also wants you to have a backyard so that he can go the fuck out of the house. And so, when you're home, you could just open the door, and then he wouldn't be on your jock all the time. Everybody wins. Everybody wins. He knows the risks. He knows the risks. He's fine with it.

Tahnee:           It's so funny because that's literally the reason why I even got him chipped. I was like, "I want to be able to have you be an indoor/outdoor cat because that feels natural." And along the way, it was like⁠—us having to be inside. You couldn't be outside.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And also, it's hard to let a cat out because you know all the risks. He knows the risks. He would rather have a life and have it be shorter than not having life for a really long time. I mean, this is you. He is you.

Tahnee:           Oh yeah.

Jessica:            So this is what he really wants. And he's not just telling me what he wants; he's telling me what you want and that he sees what you want.

Tahnee:           He sees me better⁠—I'm stubborn, and he's stubborn, and we're stubborn.

Jessica:            Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Tahnee:           And yes, he knows that one of the things that I'm happiest about in this house, even though I'm not happy about it, is the fact that everything I need is on the third floor. I don't have to go downstairs for much of anything.

Jessica:            There's too many people in the house, though. There's too many people in the house for you. There's too much energy in the house. That's the problem.

Tahnee:           There's too much energy in the house.

Jessica:            There's too much energy in the house. The unit he's showing me⁠—I can't tell if it's that you've shown him a picture of your ideal living situation or if this is a space he's lived in, but he's showing it to me. It looks like a warehouse, but I have to specify not like a warehouse because it's a bit spacious. And your bedroom looks out over the backyard. You can be near to the kitchen. That's fine for you. That would bug a lot of people; it looks like it's fine for you. And one roommate.

Tahnee:           One. One.

Jessica:            One roommate. One roommate who has their own life but doesn't always bring it home. If you move and there's the chance for him to go out of doors, he can go in and out of a window, by the way. He's a cat. It doesn't need to be a backyard. There's a lot of situations that it could be for him. He just wants to not be trapped in a room. That's very important to him. It's very important to him. You give him good food, water. Everything's fine. He's fine with everything else. It's just he needs to get out of this room, and he needs to get out of this house because there's no room for him in this house, even though it's a bigger house than the last one.

Tahnee:           No room. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah, and he does like that cat. If him and the other cat could develop a relationship⁠—both of your doors were open⁠—they could hang out on your bed. They could hang out on your roommate's bed⁠. That would be great. But I'm hearing you say that that's not realistic given the two humans' personalities.

Tahnee:           Yes. I feel good that I have shown Baz the kind of space that I want us to live in, and I'm glad that he agrees that it's right.

Jessica:            It's right.

Tahnee:           And I hear the caveat. He must be allowed to go outside [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. And he says⁠—and I agree with him⁠—that if you actually decide, if you really decide⁠—which you have not done⁠—that you are willing to do this, if you're willing to be happier, if you're willing to parent yourself, if you're willing to keep him, take care of him⁠—if you decide that in your body, the apartment will just come. It will show up. Shit like this has happened in your life before. You know this.

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            You just haven't decided, because if you get the perfect place, then what? You have to have a cat. You have to be responsible to the cat. There's a part of you that's just like a cartoon with the legs going in circles, circles, circles, trying to get away. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Tahnee:           That's just how I view my life.

Jessica:            Okay. So he's just like, "Just make the decision," because he knows it'll come. And he's really scared that you're just⁠—I know I've said this before, but he keeps on coming back to it. He's really scared you're just going to get rid of him and drop him with the next person who's not actually ready to take care of him.

Tahnee:           And I know where he's getting that from because up till a couple days ago, I was just like, "Maybe I take him over to my friend/neighbor's for a couple of weeks while I breathe."

Jessica:            He would hate that.

Tahnee:           And I felt like he was like, "You're never going to come back for me."

Jessica:            And he's not wrong. You wouldn't. I mean, you wouldn't actually come back. You might technically have to put him in a box and bring him somewhere. But you being in grief and getting rid of someone who loves you is not self-love or self-care. And I understand the logic that you are playing out. I understand how you are trying to take care of yourself by freezing everything animate around you so that you only have to take care of yourself. But that's a survival-mode coping mechanism.

And it is really important that you acknowledge it and make the tiniest⁠—it doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be big, but the smallest moves to shift that so that the next time Saturn transits come for you, you're not reliving this fucking shit in another way. You want to be different in this way because there's no freedom here for you. There's just no freedom here for you.

And so being able to make eye contact with him, get in your body, be emotionally present, and be like, "I love you, and I can't right now," open your fucking door when you do that so that at least he can come and go from the room. Even if you're in the room with him, open the damn door because he is a very intelligent, very bored animal. I will throw in the mix he needs more toys.

Tahnee:      Yes, he does.

Jessica:            I would say prioritize toys, toys that he can play with independently or with you. That'll help.

Tahnee:           It will. I did just get him a toy out of nowhere the other day. And I was like, "Oh no. I got him a toy that makes sound, and he loves it." And it reminded me that he really loved his floppy fish. He loves things that he can interact with.

Jessica:            Yes. He wants life. He wants life.

Tahnee:           He wants life.

Jessica:            So let me tell you the toy that he's showing me that he would really like. It's like this piece of wire, and it has little cardboard on it. Another thing is I would encourage you to get crafty, witchy, DIY cat toy vibes going.

Tahnee:           I had someone knit a catnip joint, and he super loved it.

Jessica:            Yeah. This is a really great thing. You can also just buy catnip bulk and roll joints. I give my cat joints. It's called meowijuana. It's stupid but cute.

Tahnee:           Yeah. I know those⁠—

Jessica:            You know those stupid things?

Tahnee:           He likes the Yeowww brand.

Jessica:            Yes. Sure. Yes. Yes.

Tahnee:           He'll hear me get the nip, and he's like, "Yeah. I want that."

Jessica:            I mean, listen. If you're going to be trapped in a room, it makes sense to get high. You gotta have something to play with. You gotta have something for your brain. That makes sense. So I feel like there are things you can do to busy your hands, to distract your mind, that are also an investment in him that will actually be good for you right now. So hold on. Let me just see one more thing. Okay. Okay. So can I ask you a question?

Tahnee:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Can you feel⁠—and I don't mean with your hands, but can you feel your stomach, like your core, your solar plexus? Can you feel that area of you?

Tahnee:           Yes. I am aware of it now.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. Work with me here. And breathe into that whole region of your system. Okay. Can you do it a little more? Maybe actually bring some oxygen in in your lungs, like actually breathe into it for a moment. Okay. So my question for you is, do you feel sadder doing that?

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sorry.

Tahnee:           It's okay.

Jessica:            This is why you don't do it, right?

Tahnee:           My solar plexus has been the seat of all my fear and all my flight-freeze-fawn my whole life. I actually have a tattoo of Durga on my stomach, and it was gotten under traumatic circumstances. But the idea was to place protection over my solar plexus. And I only started reckoning with how the traumatic circumstances of the tattoo itself⁠—which is why it doesn't feel as good anymore.

Jessica:            So here's why I had you do that. It's because Baz said when they stand up, they're going to fall right over because they're not in their body. That's how Baz showed it to me, which is why I was like⁠—I looked at you energetically, and I was like, "I see what you do." You vacate your whole body, but especially that region⁠, solar plexus/tummy. You do the Great and Powerful Oz thing where you're all in your head and then a little in your feet, you weirdo. That's nice and weird. I've never seen that quite before. I've seen the head and the abandoning everything, but your staying a little in your feet is surprising.

                        But it's because of this that he's worried we're going to get off this call and nothing's going to change, because you're not in yourself. So whether or not that tattoo does its magic cannot be determined unless you choose to be present for yourself in yourself.

Tahnee:           I was getting good with learning how to be somatically involved, and then I wasn't.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, that's how it goes. I mean, it's an ebb-and-flow situation. And so no harm, no foul. Baz begs you to flow right now because⁠—

Tahnee:           Flow is a word that I use a lot, and so he understands the difference in my energy when I'm in a state of flow and moving or embodied in certain ways and when I'm not. And I [crosstalk] not.

Jessica:            Yeah. So maybe something that would help when we get off this call⁠—because Baz is very concerned about us getting off the call⁠—for you to maybe do a little bit of belly dancing, just 101 if it's been a minute. It doesn't matter. Put on some music. Use your body. It'll help you to integrate the stuff we've talked about. He thinks you could have a new place shortly, within two to three months easy. He's very certain of it. You just have to decide. That's really what it comes down to. And he says, "You don't have to get me toys if I can go outside. You don't have to get me toys if I can climb the cabinets."

Tahnee:           He's like, "If you could just do this, girl"⁠—

Jessica:            "Just do this. You'll be happier. I'll be happier. Everyone's going to be happier."

Tahnee:           I've shared a vision with him⁠—and I feel like once I start saying it, he's going to show it to you, too⁠—of me in a kitchen making apothecary things and him coming back in from outside.

Jessica:            Yeah. I've been seeing that the whole time. It's a bright, painted white kitchen. It's not fancy, but it's long.

Tahnee:           It's got lots of cupboards and counters that he gets on.

Jessica:            Yeah. Lots of light. Yeah. Yeah. I've been seeing it the whole time. Yeah. He wants to be able to climb and to do shit. And you're cool with that, as long as you're in the right situation. So, I mean, listen. You're a witch with a cat. Keep the fucking cat. Make it work because it's good for you, and he's good for you. And it's the right thing to do. It's all the parts.

Tahnee:           Yeah. I actually feel a little⁠—I'm teary, but I feel lighter⁠—

Jessica:            Good.

Tahnee:           ⁠—because there is the small, still voice who's been like, "You don't want to get rid of Baz. You literally don't. You love and respect him, and you just need to know what he needs."

Jessica:            Yeah. And also, you need to let magic flow in your life. All the conditions that we've been talking about, from the psychological to psychic, the emotional, the material conditions⁠—all of them are a reflection of how you've been freezing things around you as a way to be able to take care of yourself. "Nothing move. Nothing change. Nothing come at me."

Tahnee:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that is a coping mechanism that works in a pinch, but if you do it for more than a pinch, it becomes your prison. It becomes a very fucking problem now. And so, by creating the flow, by letting the magic move and feel chaotic as it shifts things around, then you get your needs met, which happens to magically get his needs met. And then you can have the love of a familiar who is actually like a really cool, interesting guy who does not want to be needy with you; he just wants a life.

So he's a good match. It's just not a good situation for either of you. And this is really important. It's not a good situation for you either⁠—not just him, but your housing is not the right situation. How you're coping right now is not the right situation. And that late-30s Saturn transit is rough. I don't know if you're⁠—I mean, I imagine you're going through some of the other midlife crisis, early midlife crisis, transits. You're in your Pluto square?

Tahnee:      Yep.

Jessica:            Yeah. So you're dealing with your flight-or-fight shit. Great. Here's the thing that I want to say really emphatically do you⁠—and I think he's been saying this in different ways, but I want to say it⁠—is that it is worth all manner of emotional struggle and spiritual struggle to go through this instead of going around it, because if you go around it, it's still there.

Tahnee:           Yeah. I went around it before.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes, 100 percent. And that's how we came to have this conversation, is you trying to go around all these things. So now it's about going through it, understanding that going through it is emotionally really challenging. But again, this dude is a very good friend to you, and he understands that you're not a good friend to you and that when you get into that mode in a more unconscious, kind of maladaptive coping way, you're not as good of a friend to him.

                        And it's not a question of feeling loved. It's a question of, like, okay. Now you don't have to change today. Gotta sit with the feelings today. Whenever you're like, "Oh shit. I know what I'm supposed to do. What do I do?" come back to 30 seconds on the clock. Stay with wherever you're feeling it in your body. You'll feel sadder. You'll feel more tired. That's how you know you're in. Unfortunately, right now, that's where it's at.

                        But doing that⁠—feeling sadder, feeling more tired, being more in⁠—will empower you to manifest the life you want, to be in alignment with yourself so that you can call in what you're ready for because when you're scrambling, scrambling, scrambling⁠—again, he's giving me lots of cat metaphors here. But when you're scrambling, you can't resonate with anything other than panic. So all you're manifesting is chaos because it matches.

                        So this is your moment. This is your moment to feel your feelings, as shitty as it is; to be in your body, as hard as that is; and to let that be uncomfortable, three weeks/four weeks, it looks like, before anything material can shift. The work of this is to understand that I'm telling you it's going to happen quickly; I'm saying a month is quickly. A month of being in your emotions before you're going to be able to really pull in something material. And you've been in this process before, so you know how this goes, correct?

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Now, we do have to come to a close. I'm just checking with Baz to see⁠—okay. So, when you scratch his face, do you focus on his jaw a little bit?

Tahnee:           Yeah. He likes kind of⁠—

Jessica:            He likes a jaw massage, like a very light jaw massage.

Tahnee:           He really loves up the top of the head, but he loves when I get⁠—

Jessica:            He likes cranial engagement.

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So he just wants to validate that, that he really loves the cranial engagement. I just wanted to make sure there was not anything that he needed me to communicate with you that I haven't. He's a little less panicked. I don't think that panic is going to go away overnight.

Tahnee:           No. I'm sure it's not.

Jessica:            Yeah. But if you⁠—when. I'll say when you move into your new place, it'll be gone. He'll just trust you because⁠—you know how this is, because you're him, right? So you just need to [crosstalk]⁠—

Tahnee:           Yeah. He needs me to show him proof first.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah, and then he'll be like, "Okay. Cool. I knew you could do it."

Tahnee:           And then he'll be like, "Okay. I can trust it."

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It's ironic because so much of what caring for another life, a dependent life on us, is is caring for ourselves and understanding the interconnection, how it is possible to care for someone else while abandoning yourself for a couple months, maybe a couple years, but not for long. Not much longer than that. And it is challenging and it's worth it, I think, in general in various ways for different people. But for you, with him, now, it's worth it. It's choosing life. And honestly, that's what you're trying to do.

Tahnee:           Very much so.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes.

Tahnee:           Yeah. I guess as my parting shot, one of the things⁠—every year, I end up with a phrase that comes out of a reading or some other kind of client work. And this one came out of just the struggle I've gone through this year. It was just surrendering to care, as I'm very bad at that.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. Can I reframe it a little for you?

Tahnee:           Yes.

Jessica:            How about melting into care or relaxing into care? Surrendering as a spiritual concept is all tens across the board. It's a yes. But on a psychological and emotional level, you don't fucking surrender. Who are you kidding, Leo? So I would say maybe play with language here. I keep on getting "melting," but if that's not for you, something about essentially⁠—think about your most comfortable bed or your most comfortable chair, being enveloped into care or something like that, because then it's something you can receive. It's something you can offer. And it's all the same. It's kind of all the same.

                        So I would play with that because sometimes spiritual language doesn't resonate psychologically, and therefore emotionally. And surrender⁠—I just get a really strong⁠—when you're in survival mode, you don't fucking surrender. Am I right?

Tahnee:           Yeah. Very much so.

Jessica:            Yeah. So I would just tweak that one word, but that's the move. I mean, it's perfectly in alignment with everything we've talked about today. So that's what I like to hear.

Tahnee:           I cannot thank you enough for your time today, Jessica. Thank you so, so much. Thanks for validating Baz in a way that I haven't been able to. Thanks for being the Lorax in this [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Aw.

Tahnee:           I speak for the trees. But it feels good to know that we're not mismatched; we're just not at the right place in time and not in the right physical place. But I see a life, and older life for myself that has him in it.

Jessica:            That makes me so happy to hear. And it has been such a pleasure. I'm so, so glad we got to do this. And he wants to make magic with you. He wants to run wild with you in his own way, in your own way. And I think you're going to have it, to be honest, if you decide you want it⁠—if you decide you choose it. Not want. Want isn't enough. If you decide you choose it.

Tahnee:           Oh, no. But choosing⁠—that's the language that I've been using, is it's not about wanting things. It's about choosing things and being active in the choice.

Jessica:            It is. It really is. And if you choose it, you're going to have it. Maybe not instantly, but you're going to have it. So I'm really glad we got to do this.

Tahnee:           I am, too, Jessica. Thank you so very much.

School boards and lawmakers around the country are banning and challenging books at a pace not seen since the 1980s. The American Library Association tracked 729 challenges to library, school, and university materials and services in 2021. And librarians have even been threatened with criminal charges and jail time in some places in this country for lending out challenged books. You can contact your representatives about this issue by emailing, calling, or tweeting at them. And above all else, buy banned and challenged books. Support the important work of authors who are being banned or challenged, and in the process, support independent bookstores. My favorite bookstore, Marcus Books, is the oldest independent Black-owned bookstore in the country and has a banned and challenged book list on their website. You can go to marcusbooks.com to see this list and to shop, or visit whatever independent bookstore that you love. Support banned and challenged books and authors today.

Public schools are really struggling right now. That's why I want you to know about DonorsChoose. They connect the public to public schools. Their mission is to make it easy for everyone to help a teacher in need, moving us closer to a nation where students in every community have the tools and experiences they need for a great education. You can donate money to classrooms around the U.S., and it's very easy to do. Go to donorschoose.org to support a classroom today.

If you're a fan of Ghost of a Podcast, you would love my Patreon. You can join me on Patreon to support my work and get exclusive content. On the kittens level, you get a bonus episode of Ghost of a Podcast every month where I detail the month ahead. On Patreon, I offer in-depth Tarot lessons, ongoing Q/As about animal communication, psychic stuff, including boundaries, of course, mediumship, and heaps of other perks. I love getting to connect with people on Patreon. I love my patrons. We get deep, we learn, and we laugh. I'm not going to lie; I get a little weird on there sometimes. So join me over in our Patreon community. Sign up today to become part of it. Thanks for your support.

Are you sick of me yet? If you haven't already listened to it, on Friday the 30th, I dropped the year-ahead horoscope. It's got so much information in it, so make sure to listen to that wherever you hear your podcasts. And now here it is, the 1st, and we're about to get astrological about the week ahead.

I want to remind you that on the 1st of every month, on the kittens level of my Patreon, I drop a bonus episode of Ghost of a Podcast where I delineate all the transits for the month ahead so you can have a real head start. If you're in the market for a head start on the new year, I'm your guy is what I'm trying to say. You can just go over to patreon.com/jessicalanyadoo. It's always linked in the show notes of every episode.

But let's just get into it because we're looking at January 1st through the 7th of 2023, and the year starts off with a bang because we are on the 1st very much under the influence of the Venus conjunction to Pluto. Now, I broke that down in last week's episode because it's technically exact at 9:25 p.m. Pacific on the 31st. So I've already delineated that, but I want to just name that it's still very heavily impacting us on the 1st as we have a Mercury sextile to Neptune.

A Mercury sextile to Neptune is a lovely transit where our thinking can kind of go in the direction of the spiritual, the empathetic. We can be in a more creative frame of mind and basically just be more generous with ourselves and others. We can daydream. If you need a little creative inspiration, Mercury sextile Neptune is fantastic. The only trouble is it's being overlapped⁠—dare I say overshadowed⁠—by the Venus/Pluto conjunction.

And so, if you're still feeling intense, if you're having relationship drama, if you're just feeling⁠—I don't know⁠—any kind of fucked up or off, then the Mercury sextile to Neptune is not going to stand out as much. But you should know it is active and exact on the 1st so that you can make use of it. And making use of it in this situation would mean that you are pointing yourself towards empathy, generosity, a spiritual approach. And this is easiest to do if you're not junking up your thinking, your feelings, with distractions that cause harm or negative obsessions. Easier said than done during a Venus conjunction to Pluto, but that's the advice I've got for you.

Now, on the 2nd, we have a Sun square to Chiron. So, again, this transit is overlapping with January 1st. I mean, we're not starting off easy. This year is beginning kind of with a lot of energy to it. So, again, we're going to have this overlap between transits, and that's a really important thing to consider because with astrology, it's important to understand that nothing exists in a vacuum. No individual transit, no part of your birth chart⁠—nothing exists in a vacuum. It is really about the interconnectedness of a thing, the interplay of a thing.

So you may be wearing delightful sandals on your feet, and that means something really different if you're doing it⁠—I don't know⁠—on a warm summer's day versus in the middle of a snowstorm. Context is everything. So we are still very much feeling the Venus/Pluto conjunction until about the 3rd, and that covers the whole sphere of the Sun square to Chiron. So my worries about the start of the year are that we are feeling so easily triggered that we act out or that we're dealing with other people who are easily triggered, and they're acting out.

If you are dealing with any kind of loneliness, low self-esteem stuff, or relationship drama, again, it's a bumpy road. And I'm not saying it's a bumpy road, and therefore, oh well; we're all fucked. It's more, "It's a bumpy road, so remember who the fuck you are. Remember your self-care tools. Remember your resources." It's really important that we remember our agency around where our thoughts go, what we do, how we do it, which of our many strong impulses we choose to center. It doesn't always feel like you have a choice, but you do. But you do⁠—usually. Not always.

Anyways, so back to Sun square Chiron. The Sun square to Chiron is a stressy transit because it often comes with an identity crisis. So that might be through a situation where you feel like you don't have power or control. And because this is such a challenging transit to your identity and your sense of self, your sense of safety within yourself, a lot of people experience some measure of loneliness. And it's kind of an existential loneliness. This is where Chiron feels a lot like Saturn.

The key here, again, is to remember who you are. And if you don't know who you are, take whatever it is that you're feeling or going through as direction pointing you towards where you need to figure out who you are and what you are. And the fun thing about life is that astrology teaches us that you get to a place where you do figure your shit out and you do figure out who you are; your sun shines bright. And then things change. There are cyclical things that change in all humans, according to astrology, over the course of time. And that's because we're meant to evolve. We're not meant to be the same all the time.

That sounds great until you consider that evolving means outgrowing parts of yourself or being utterly confused about what's right for you or why something's changed that you thought was kind of set. All to say a Sun square to Chiron can be quite confronting. This transit will often put us in situations or in dynamics with people where we are literally being confronted, or maybe we're the confronters. But in any case, we are dealing with a challenge to our identity that is uncomfortable and that we are inclined to want to respond to from a place of wounding, a.k.a. from our strongest feelings, not our healthiest feelings. And you know how that goes, right? Not ideal.

So be curious and adaptive, if you can, instead of reactive and defensive. Easier said than done. Up through the 3rd of this week, it's a lot of energy. But that's the move. That's the direction to point yourself in.

Now, on the 4th, we have a Venus sextile to Jupiter. Now, this is a lovely transit. It's a transit that we can really use this exact moment because this transit is all about feeling good. It's about making the peace, chilling out, partying, flirting, all the fun stuff. And because we're coming through these really heavy, stressy, challenging transits, depending on what's been going on in your life, it may just feel like a breath of air, a little bit more ease, and you might feel that there's more potential for you to get along with people or to smooth things over and make peace with people.

And with Venus sextile Jupiter, you can make the aesthetic of peace; you can just pretend everything's okay even though it's not. Or you can actually deal with it in a deeper way. I recommend the latter, always, obviously, but especially because we have a Full Moon in Cancer happening very shortly hereafter. So just wait, but it's coming.

Anyways, so the Venus sextile to Jupiter, again, is a lovely transit. It can often be great for doing all the lovely Venus things: dealing with your finances, feeling cute, wearing cute clothes, maybe going shopping, and for feeling good interpersonally, sensually, romantically. This is a lovely transit, really, without a downside. And we want to use it to create more peace and more ease and more love in the world and in our lives. So definitely a transit you want to tap into.

Now, on the 5th is a Sun trine to Uranus, another fucking lovely transit, I'm happy to report. So, when the Sun forms a trine to Uranus, we have the potential to be more creative, more imaginative, more experimental. And this is because we're feeling less threatened by change and by newness, which is, again, a glorious thing. So this is the transit that can offer a reset at the start of the year so that you're able to actually integrate, learn, grow from whatever challenging experiences you may have been having, whether they were interpersonal or internal.

This is a great transit for starting something new. I mean, I'm going to warn you that we have a Full Moon on the 6th. So, I mean, don't get too bonkers with the starting something new, because Full Moons are for closing and clearing, not for opening and manifesting. But the Sun trining Uranus on its own is really great for starting something new. The Moon will be full on January 6th at 3:08 p.m. Pacific Time, and it will be full at 16 degrees of Cancer, which gives us a 16 degrees Capricorn Sun because the Full Moon always occurs when the Sun and Moon are exactly opposite to each other.

Now, there's a number of things to pay attention to here. I'm particularly interested in the fact that Mercury and the Sun are conjunct in this chart, which means that it's going to be really challenging to separate your ideas, your attitudes, your beliefs, what you said, how you said it, from your sense of self, from your identity. And on its own, this is not a good thing or a bad thing. However, when we're dealing with Full Moon feelings⁠—and in particular, a Cancer Full Moon is so emotional. It brings everything that we've been trying to not tap into, not feel, not be present for, up to the surface. And then we justify our feelings⁠—the Moon⁠—with Mercury⁠—our thoughts, our ideas, what we say, how we say it. And that bolsters our identity.

And we have got the Moon, Sun, and Mercury⁠—all of these three planets⁠—forming a T-square to Chiron. It's a recipe for crisis. Now, crisis is not inherently bad. Crisis is simply when things really come to surface and we have to deal with them. And that is often not fun, and it can often not go well. But it's also an opportunity to integrate, to heal, to evolve. This is great news. And so, when we're dealing with Chiron, we're dealing with wounds that have become triggers, these things within us that we have not yet healed in ourselves that come either from our epigenetics, our early developmental experiences⁠—and I say epigenetics. Epigenetics, outer planets in your birth chart⁠—potato/potäto, from this astrologer's perspective.

But when we're dealing with something as intense as a Full Moon in Cancer forming a T-square with the Sun and Mercury to Chiron, we are likely to be really triggered, especially if you have anything in a cardinal sign⁠—so the cardinal signs are Capricorn, Cancer, Aries, Libra⁠—anywhere between 11 and 18, 19 degrees. So we have the opportunity to feel something and feel it strongly, and to respond to our reactions⁠—behaviorally, energetically, mentally, emotionally⁠—in new ways, in ways that are respectful of our wounding and our triggers but not enabling of them.

And the truth is that for so many of us, the ways in which we are hurt and we are suffering is where we can sometimes kind of enable ourselves to act out against ourselves or others, when what we really need is to be nurturing ourselves, to be fortifying ourselves, to be engaging with ourselves and with others in ways that reflect our healing journey⁠—Chiron⁠—instead of only our wounding. And because it's a Cancer Moon, again, this is going to be super emo, like super emo. All the emotions are likely to be up.

And we have the support of some of these other really lovely transits that are occurring, and we don't want to forget about that, because we've got that Sun trine to Uranus. We have Venus sextile to Jupiter. Mars and Venus are pretty close to a trine as well. So we've got some nice supportive stuff going on that we want to tap into.

So, in less astrological terms and more human terms, don't forget your resources. And your resources may be tools you've accrued within yourself, and they may be friends or family members that love you and can be a sounding board for you or give you good advice. It may be a therapist. It may be nature, meditation. I mean, there are so many different ways that we can support ourselves or receive support externally, and it's really important to do your best to receive it because, again, this Full Moon is likely to kick up some pretty intense emotions.

Now, in the world, I expect to see people acting out. This is a very, very triggering Full Moon. And so, if you feel unsafe and you're around somebody who you feel is being belligerent or just clearly reacting to stuff inside of them regardless of how you or other people are handling it, yeah, maybe remove yourself from the situation. I don't say this to make you nervous. I say this because identifying the boundaries of your own safety and then tending to those boundaries in a healthy way, in a balanced way, is part of integrating this difficult T-square.

This can play out in a bazillion different ways. You just want to look out for these themes so that you can engage with them in as healthy a way as possible. It is really hard, the balancing act that is required of us during a Cancer Full Moon, because it's like, "How do I need to take care of myself and that which I love? How do I nurture the things I care most deeply about in balance with what I gotta do for my responsibilities?" That can be about work, yes, of course, but it's also about what I owe to myself and others. How do I pace myself through my obligations? And how do I provide for myself or provide for others in a way that actually works?

When we have a Full Moon in Cancer, there's often a conflict between these two ideas in our lives, or those conflicts become the things we have to deal with. So, again, just pay attention to it. Cope with it to the best of your ability. And if you fail, as so many of us do so much of the time, try to learn from it so it's not a wash. That's the move. That's the move.

And finally, that brings us to the last transit of the week. This one is a Sun conjunction to Mercury. We want to remember that Mercury is Retrograde. So it's a Sun conjunction to Mercury Retrograde. This is a great time for talking things out, for figuring things out, for learning in general. So anything Mercurial is generally well-starred under a Sun conjunction to Mercury.

Now, because Mercury is Retrograde, you can put your whole foot in your mouth really easily this Sun conjunction to Mercury. Unfortunately, you may really, really get committed to something that is a misunderstanding or you've gotten wrong, and that sucks. That's uncomfortable. It's not the end of the world. Because you know this transit is happening⁠—let me just say this⁠—you would be wise to really listen to others. And if you're not in a frame of mind where you're actually listening, if you're just burned out, if you're too busy, too distracted⁠—whatever⁠—just triple-check. Triple-check with the people. Why double when you can triple is what I say this Sun conjunction to Mercury Retrograde transit.

This transit may find you really busy and having to deal with lots of⁠—you know, Mercury⁠—lots of busy stuff. It can also be quite a social transit. But because of the Retrograde, it's likely to have us in situations where we're dealing with some sort of pattern that we've dealt with before and is a little irritating; it's a little frustrating, like, "Why am I still making this mistake?" or, "Why is this other person still making this mistake?" That kind of thing.

So, again, you want to be as generous as possible towards yourself, towards others. And if you are socializing, if you are like, "Put yourself out there," just be open. People may seem a certain way, and they're not actually that way. So you want to be open. Don't get too attached to things being wonderful or terrible or anything in between. Mercury wants us to stay curious, stay engaged, stay open, to listen as much as we speak, to speak as much as we listen. I mean, we don't have to be 50/50, but you know what I mean. That's basically Mercury's preference. So get Mercurial is what I say, but remember the rule of re's because it's a Retrograde. So be a reflective Mercurial bunny this Sun/Mercury conjunction.

And that, my friends, is it. That is your look at the week of January 1st through the 7th of 2023. It's a new year. Okay. I'm going to very quickly run through this, but if you're somebody who likes to track the transits, I invite you to check out my astrologer's pro tool. It's a web-based subscription called Astrology For Days, and it's delightful. Again, always linked in show notes and also on my website.

So, on the 1st of January, we have an exact Mercury sextile to Neptune. On the 2nd, we have an exact Sun square to Chiron. On the 4th, we have an exact Venus sextile to Jupiter; on the 5th, an exact Sun trine to Uranus. Finally, on the 6th, we have a Full Moon in Cancer, and on the 7th, a Sun conjunct Mercury Retrograde.

And that's all she wrote, my loves. Mercury and Mars are both Retrograde, which means we're not out of this Retrograde madness. So be gentle with yourself and others and with whatever new starts you're trying this new year.

And you know the drill. If you get value from Ghost of a Podcast, if the advice I give or the astrological breakdowns I give is helpful to you at all, please subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts, or write me a kind review. It is deeply appreciated and super helpful for this podcast.

But whatever you do, I hope you have a great week, that you stay safe, and that you tune in next week for another episode of Ghost of a Podcast. Buh-bye.