Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica: So, Julie, welcome to Ghost of a Podcast.

Julie: Thank you. Thank you. I'm so excited.

Jessica: I'm excited, too. What would you like a reading about today?

Julie: So the question that I submitted that you selected⁠—well, I submitted a lot of questions.

Jessica: Oh.

Julie: Pretty much every week, I was writing you a question⁠—

Jessica: That's awesome. Thank you.

Julie: ⁠—because I'm very desperate for a lot of guidance.

Jessica: Shit. Okay.

Julie: But the question that ended up getting submitted was the last one I did because I was doing the dishes, and I had a realization that I was like, "Wow. I am asking Jessica all these personal questions about my life, and I would trust her. If she told me to do anything, I would just do it because she seems so confident, and she knows what she's talking about." And then I was like, "Why don't I have that myself?" because ultimately, you're a stranger, and you don't know me. And that's a lot of power to give someone who doesn't know me.

And I feel like I don't know, and this is something that I've kind of struggled with most of my adult life, feeling grounded in myself and able to access my own intuition to make decisions, because I feel extra swirly about so many things in my life right now. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to know what to do. So guidance on how to get in touch with that part of myself so that I can just answer my own questions and I don't need to feel like I could give my power away to all these other people to be like, "You tell me what to do. You tell me what to do."

Jessica: That's such a good question. Okay. So I have follow-up questions to your question. And also, I didn't realize that you emailed me a million times, because I don't pay attention to names unless I'm choosing a question. So everyone should feel free to email me as much as you like because I'm never going to be like, "Wow, that person is emailing a lot." I won't think that.

So okay. My question for you is do you know⁠—and this isn't a trick question. Do you know why you trust me?

Julie: I think I respect you a lot.

Jessica: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Julie: Yes. And I listen to your podcast, and the way that you speak about things, there is a conviction of like, "I know this to be true." You seem really grounded in what you believe. And I think that is a piece because there's other people that I tend to trust, as well, and they have that similar⁠—I look at them and I'm like, "Wow. They seem to have something figured out that I don't have figured out. And so, if I do what they tell me to do, then I'll have it figured out, too."

Jessica: Interesting. Okay. That's not the answer I thought you'd give me. Interesting. Okay. So what you're saying is that what has earned your trust is the conviction with which I speak as opposed to, per se, the things I've said.

Julie: Well, probably that, too, but yeah. It's like the⁠—

Jessica: It's the conviction.

Julie: It's the conviction, and then I also respect what you're⁠—I agree with what you're saying as in alignment with a lot of things that I also feel. And so it's easy for me to be like, "Wow. She's so cool. I want to do whatever she tells me to do so I can have shit figured out and be cool, too."

Jessica: Okay. Okay. And then I have another follow-up question, which is you mentioned that you feel this way towards other people; do they tend to be older than you, or are they sometimes really-convicted people your age?

Julie: It's of my age. I have a cousin whom I'm fairly close with, and I feel that way about her. And she's a couple years younger than me.

Jessica: Okay. So it's really about the conviction.

Julie: Yeah, and just⁠—I think people that I really admire, the way that I perceive them to be living their life. And obviously, everyone is a human and has their own shit going on, and I'm aware of that as well. So that's another piece of it that I'm like, "Man, I perceive these people in this way, but I also know they don't feel that way about themselves. They've got their own shit going on."

Jessica: Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely.

Julie: But even knowing that, I still just feel like, "Wow. If Jessica told me to do"⁠—I mean, obviously, if you told me to go murder someone, I wouldn't do that, but⁠—

Jessica: Thank you. Thank you for that. Yes.

Julie: ⁠—if you gave me an insight of, "You should do this practice. You should do this," I'd be like, "Okay. Yes." "You should do this as a career." I'd be like, "She knows. I'm going to do that because she knows." And I don't give that to myself. I don't have that same level of, "Oh, I feel like I should do this thing, so I'm going to just trust that I know that that's good for me, and I'm going to do it with the same level of force that I would if someone else told me to do it."

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. I got lots of stuff to say. And I'll just throw into the mix you were born July 20th, 1992, 6:30 a.m. in Columbus, Wisconsin. I want to first share something astrological that's about my chart and not your chart, because the cool thing about astrology is it's like the math of us. I personally have an aspect in my birth chart called Pluto trine to Mercury. And one of the textbook definitions of this natal aspect is that when you have this aspect, you speak with conviction and you're very convincing. So you can convince a room full of people that a skunk smells like a rose. That's a textbook definition, in my mind, of this aspect.

And so I want to just start with⁠, trusting someone because of their convictions⁠—and I know there's two pieces here. But trusting somebody because they speak with passion, conviction, and that they just are compelling in the way they speak is dangerous because that's not the only thing about me, obviously, and I try to live in integrity and all this kind of stuff, and it's literally an advice podcast, so yes.

Also, it's important to know that when we are hearing somebody, especially somebody who is presenting ideas⁠—so they're not in their emotions and their vulnerability, but they're just presenting their ideas about the world or about things⁠—you're really hearing their Mercury. Sometimes it's their Saturn. Could be their Mars. But you're hearing these specific parts of their chart, and what is important to know is that there are many people who have this natal aspect that I just shared with you that I have that do not have integrity at all, but they may sound like it.

And you know, because you're an adult on the internet, that there's tons of people who have huge followings and huge influence, and they don't necessarily have integrity. Right?

Julie: Right. Right.

Jessica: That's a thing. And so I wanted to share this with you because what you have in your chart is a Mercury opposition to Saturn. And this is a very different aspect to Mercury trine to Pluto. And trust me; I doubt myself all the time. I'm neurotic. And also, I'm probably old enough to be your parent. And I think that that's relevant for conviction and wisdom and all these kinds of things.

But all of that said, the Mercury/Saturn opposition in your birth chart predisposes you to seeking absolute truths, like, "I want to know the answer because the answer is the answer, and I'll do the thing because the thing will work"⁠—that kind of thinking that you already articulated. But it also⁠—because it makes you convicted that there is a right and wrong, it can create a great deal of insecurity because you're constantly editing your own thoughts. Does that make sense to you?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah.

Julie: Definitely.

Jessica: So what's happening is you're coming up with ideas; you're evaluating options for whatever the hell it is that's going on in your life. And you're editing as you go, so you don't fully unpack your own ideas because you're trying to cut them back and refine them before they've fleshed out. And then you can hear someone like me who⁠—to be fair, this is an edited podcast. I mean, I'm good off the cuff, too. But again, I don't want to be like, "You should listen to me," or, "You should have trust in me," because hopefully I've cultivated trust over the course of time.

But I do also want to encourage critical thinking all the time because what is happening is you're hearing something that is put together and organized and that has been developed over many, many years, and then you're comparing it to your initial thought process. And that's an impossible situation for you. You're setting yourself up. Does this make sense?

Julie: Yeah. Yeah. I'm tracking.

Jessica: Okay. Good. That's what I like to hear. Now, the other thing is that your Saturn/Mercury opposition forms a T-square to Pluto, and you have Pluto at the bottom of your chart. And that makes it so that you are⁠—man, you're such a jerk to yourself. I mean, you seem very nice, but when I looked at your chart, I'm like, "You are so mean to yourself."

Julie: Yeah. Most people, when they meet me, if they're not super close with me, when they get to a level where I open up about how insecure I am or the inner voices in my head, they're always like, "Whoa. What? Really?" I'm like, "Yeah. There's a constant stream going on in there."

Jessica: It's a constant stream of "You're not perfect; that means you're terrible. I can't believe you said that. I can't believe you think that. That's a bad plan." It's like you tear yourself down partially out of habit⁠—it is a habit, which⁠—luckily, habits can be broken, and we can build new habits. But you're doing it because you're trying to reach some sense of perfection, some simple, clear, "This is a yes. Do this." And this is the danger with astrology and many forms of woo, is that you talk to a psychic and the psychic is like, "Just do this." And you're like, "Oh fuck. I did the thing, and then it worked. And it just seems like a simple answer."

But at the end of the day, when it comes to actually healing instead of just scratching an itch, what we need to be able to do is be in the process. And for you, I can give you an answer. If I picked one of your other questions, I could have helped you with a question, we could have come to the answer, and you'd still have this problem yourself because it's not just a problem in your thinking. It's a problem with your ideas about surviving yourself or surviving the world.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Whenever Pluto is involved⁠—and Pluto is very fucking involved in your birth chart⁠. It's not just the focal planet⁠—

Julie: Yay.

Jessica: Yeah. Seriously. It's not just the focal planet of a T-square. It's also opposite to your Mars. You can feel like everything is a life-or-death situation. You can feel like everything is so important, and if you fail, it will define your whole life.

Julie: Definitely in certain situations, for sure.

Jessica: Are there situations where it doesn't come up?

Julie: I mean, the main one that came to mind when you said it was just different jobs that I've had and just feeling like, "Oh, this is going to be my life. This is it for the rest of my life. This is what I have to do, this stupid job that I hate. And I guess I'm just going to do this forever and be miserable." And it's very like, "There's no way out of this," feeling.

Jessica: Yeah. This trapped. Trapped.

Julie: Yeah. It makes it really hard.

Jessica: So okay. There's a lot of levels of what is kind of at core here. But I want to stick with your question because it's such a good one, which is, how can you trust yourself? And not only do you have this Mercury/Saturn opposition, but you've got Venus and Chiron conjunct your Ascendant in Leo. And so you can get really distracted by the way things look, by the appearances of things. And so, if somebody presents well, you're more inclined to listen. We've already established that, but that is part of why that is.

Part of it is because you want a simple, correct answer, and people who seem to present a simple, correct answer you're down for. And when I say simple, I don't mean you're not willing to do seven million steps, because it looks like you are. But somebody who's like, "I am certain. I have this simple clarity," like an anvil. You love an anvil because you got that Saturn, right?

Julie: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: So one thing that's really important that I want to say is that being aware that you are a little vulnerable to appearances, to how things seem, is really valuable to you, not so that you then are constantly being like, "Am I wrong? Am I wrong for trusting this person?" because I don't want to give you a new thing to be freaked out by, which I feel like could happen⁠—but instead, to be able to be like, "Oh. This person seems a particular way to me. What evidence is there? Why does this person seem this way to me?"

Just being able to kind of have that critical thought that is your nature, apply it to what you see on others⁠—because what happens when we place other people on pedestals is a lot of things, but to keep it focused on this specific topic is it puts you in this position where you're catching up instead of you're open, present, and ready to figure things out for yourself, whether that means trust a person, find your own way, whatever it is.

So hold on for just one moment here. Say your full name out loud.

Julie: My full name is Julie [redacted].

Jessica: Are you missing a name?

Julie: No.

Jessica: What's your mom's maiden last name?

Julie: [redacted]

Jessica: There she is. So is your mom like this as well?

Julie: Like this, being…

Jessica: Have a hard time trusting herself.

Julie: I don't think so. Not that she's ever expressed to me.

Jessica: Would she express something like that to you?

Julie: I think so. And I could see, maybe at this point in her life, she doesn't seem to, but I could imagine younger versions of herself⁠—

Jessica: When you were little.

Julie: ⁠—yeah⁠—being a little more subservient and traditional and kind of letting other people dictate her life for her.

Jessica: Okay. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. So that was happening when you were growing up.

Julie: I think a little bit. Before I was born, both my parents were raised in really heavy Mormon households. So there was a lot of religious pressure and expectations. And when I was born, they had left the Mormon church, but they still held on to a lot of the beliefs from that. And so I definitely think there was a⁠—she made herself small lot, as a lot of women do in that⁠—

Jessica: Yeah. You have the Sun and Venus in the twelfth. So that tracks for this in your birth chart. But when you make decisions or set plans for yourself, do you follow through?

Julie: No.

Jessica: Yeah.

Julie: Probably most of the time, no. I mean, maybe there's some times, maybe, but probably most of the time⁠—

Jessica: But broadly speaking⁠—

Julie: No. Probably not.

Jessica: So this is the thing about trust. There's a couple reasons why we tend to give people trust. One is we put them on a pedestal. We have a fantasy about them. We decide we're going to trust them for no real reason. And I think we all do that at various times in our lives in various ways. But another, and the kind of ideal, way to trust people or reason to trust people is that they earn our trust. They say, "Hey, I'm going to pick you up after you hang out with your friend at 2:00 p.m.," and then they're there at 2:00 every time. When somebody's actions are consistently honoring their word, you trust them. It's hard not to, right?

Julie: Right.

Jessica: And what I am seeing is that you are not a trustworthy friend to you. My guess is you're a trustworthy friend to your friends outside of you. You're consistent. You show up. If you say you're going to do a thing, you do a thing. And if you can't, you own it. Yeah?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: But in your relationship with yourself, it's radically different.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: And so, on a meaningful level, you don't trust you because you have given you a lot of reason to not trust you.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. And when you think of the other people that you trust, do they tend to be like follow-through people?

Julie: Yeah. I think so.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. Does your cousin follow through? I'm only naming her because it's the one person you named.

Julie: Yeah. Yeah. I would say that she does.

Jessica: She's a follow-through person. And do you know why you don't follow through? Do you have a theory?

Julie: I feel like what happened, which maybe is this whole Pluto situation is at play here of⁠—for example, I'll be like, "Okay. I feel like I need to not eat dairy because it makes me feel bad and it makes me break out," or whatever.

Jessica: That's a real example, because dairy is terrible for you, yeah?

Julie: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah. I agree.

Julie: So then I'll go a week not eating dairy, and I don't notice any crazy improvements because you have to do it for a while. I kind of know that, but then I'll be like, "Is this really doing anything? I don't know." I just start to doubt. I can trust that this is going to lead me somewhere good, and if I start to have a little of doubt of, "Oh, maybe this isn't going to do it. This is stupid. I should just eat this pizza. Whatever. I don't even know if this is going to do anything. I'll probably still break out," and then it just kind of all falls apart at that point.

Jessica: Right. That makes sense. And it's back to this Saturn/Mercury opposition issue where you're editing your idea as your idea is playing out. I do think this is a bit of an age thing. You're immediately post-Saturn Return. You just had your Saturn Return⁠, like, last year. Was it last year or the year before?

Julie: Yeah. Last year.

Jessica: Last year. Between now and your 33rd year⁠—so between now and when you are 33⁠—is the time to be working on this, on integrating the lessons of your Saturn Return. And I think it's really hard to follow through. I mean, some people are great at follow-through in their 20s, but I think for most people, we all have a way that we are really not great at following through with what we plan for ourselves because your 20s are about getting to know yourself. It's hard to trust yourself when you don't know yourself. So I want to just kind of take some pressure off of yourself in that regard.

On a more practical level, I'll say this. Okay. You decide⁠—and listen. You got Neptune in the sixth house. Dairy is not your amigo at all. You cannot eat dairy; I agree with you completely. It does lots of weird, random things. And the reason why I say random is because Uranus is conjunct Neptune in your birth chart, which means not only is dairy⁠—it does weird stuff to your body; you don't digest it well⁠—but because Uranus is there, it changes all the time. So it's not always that your skin breaks out. It's sometimes that your skin breaks out; sometimes you get congested. It moves all over the place. Is that right?

Julie: Yeah. And so that's why, then, I'm like, "Oh. Well, this isn't fixing the thing I thought it was going to fix, so it must just be fine to eat it. So I'll just keep eating"⁠—you know.

Jessica: Right. Right. And then you never actually get to know what your life would be like without the dairy because you didn't stick with it. So here's the move. You didn't make a plan. You didn't make a promise. You're like, "I should try this. I'm sick of suffering," or, "I'm sick of having this problem. I'll try this new thing," instead of saying to yourself, "And trying this thing means x, y, z."

So I would recommend for you⁠—because you have Mercury opposite Saturn, you can make a damn list. So I would recommend, if you're somebody who's on your phone a lot, get an app. Get a free app that is a list-writing app, or if you like pieces of paper stuck on the wall like I do, go do that. But when you come up with a plan⁠—let's say we're talking about quitting dairy⁠—you're going to make a decision with three to five points of follow-through. One of those points should probably be⁠—for you, because this is like an issue for you⁠—is, "How long am I doing this for?"

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: And I'm asking you this literally. How long do you actually think it would take for you to see benefits or have evidence that there aren't benefits of not eating dairy? Do you have a number in your head of how long it would take?

Julie: The first thing that popped in my head was 90 days.

Jessica: Excellent. I love that. I would say 30 days is a very tight minimum. 90 days is ideal. But you know what? 60 days is right in the middle of that. So let's go 60 to 90 days. Does that feel good?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. So what you do⁠, if you're writing three to five points⁠—you've got this goal. You're pulling out dairy to see what happens. So the first thing is you're going to maybe say, "Okay. So I'm going to do this 100 percent for 60 days if it's working well for me. Or if I'm not sure, if I'm 50/50 or if I cheated a bunch, I'm going to go 90 days." Maybe that would be the move because I don't want to encourage you to set a goal that is so big that you're setting yourself up for failure, because is 90 days an intimidating amount of time to quit something you enjoy? Yes, it is⁠—not just you. Anyone. And you like cheese, or you like dairy, I'm assuming.

Julie: The main thing with dairy that I⁠—is pizza. I just [crosstalk].

Jessica: I mean, you and me both.

Julie: I like coconut oil, so it's easy to use that instead of butter. I like nut milk. It's really not that hard for me to not eat dairy, really.

Jessica: But pizza. Pizza is delightful.

Julie: Yeah. Pizza is the hardest part.

Jessica: It's a real thing. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. So okay. So hold on. Let me just see this. Okay. This is what I'm seeing. I want to encourage you to follow through with your intuition. You've got 90 days, and I want you to honor that. And also, I'm nervous that that's such a long amount of time that it's enough time for you to be like, "God, that's forever." So I'm curious about the 60 days.

And so, with this experiment, if you are willing to take it, I would say try to really notice how you feel when you think about this as a 60-day goal versus a 90-day goal, or try to really notice at 60 days⁠—write it in your calendar, the day that you begin, 60 days after that so that you can⁠—you're like, "Okay. Am I actually noticing any difference? Is it worse? Have I had 20 pieces of pizza because I told myself I could have zero pieces of pizza?" To be able to kind of think about it in that way is helpful. So I want to encourage you to notice those two points.

The other thing you might say is, "What am I going to give myself as a reward for saying no to the pizzas of the world?" There's gotta be a thing to help you because you are wired in such a way that you can motivate yourself based on punishment and denial, right?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: But it's not a great way to go. It's effective, but it just means you're unhappy. So, if you are giving yourself the gift of not eating something that makes your body miserable and that gives you all kinds of other problems, that's wonderful. But it's also denying yourself something you want that people around you are enjoying, right? I'm assuming other people near you are eating pizza.

Julie: Yes.

Jessica: In those situations, what's the strategy? What's the plan? Everyone's eating pizza. What do they have at your favorite pizza place that's not pizza, or what can you do for yourself? Does that make sense, what I'm trying to get at here?

Julie: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: So, again, we're just talking about a couple points. You're going to write them down on a damn piece of paper, on a list, whatever, as a way to create a little bit more structure to the plan so that the next time a pizza is in front of you or a piece of cheese or whatever is in front of you, you have something to refer back to other than this feeling that you had when you thought about it once.

Julie: Okay. That makes sense.

Jessica: Does that make sense? Yeah.

Julie: Yes.

Jessica: And so you're basically backing yourself up. The truth of the matter is trust is built, and it's built through actions. What I see for you in your birth chart is that⁠—are you likely to be somebody who constantly triple-guesses yourself? Fuck yeah. That is your nature, and I respect you. But does it have to mean that you don't trust yourself? No, not at all. It's really about recognizing that you do have a triple-questioning-yourself kind of nature, and when you get activated and you feel really intense, it is hard for you to remember what you were thinking when you didn't feel as intense.

Having something written down like a plan you've created for yourself⁠—and again, I would not recommend something with more than five points because then it will be overwhelming to you. And again, simple wins with Saturn placements. You always want to keep it actionable, achievable.

Julie: Okay.

Jessica: When you do that, what you'll be able to do is either do the thing you said you were going to do for yourself or not, but then you're making a conscientious decision to win your own trust or not win your own trust, to trust yourself, basically, or not trust yourself. Does that make sense?

Julie: Yes. It does make sense.

Jessica: Now, I am aware of the irony of this because I am telling you what to do, and you're saying, "Yes, it makes sense." And it's just an impossible situation.

Julie: Well, now that you told me that dairy is bad for me, I'll probably be like, "Oh, I'm never eating dairy again."

Jessica: Shit. Shit. Damn. There's no way to win.

Julie: I think it feels kind of validating. I kind of felt like I need to stop eating dairy. Now someone who I respect who had this insight and read my chart is validating that, so it actually makes me feel more conviction with myself, like, "Oh. Well, I was the one who originally had that feeling of maybe I should not eat dairy." And so it is validating.

Jessica: It's interesting because with medical astrology specifically, I see this with everybody. I mean, I can say to somebody, "You should be flossing your teeth," and they're like, "Oh my God. I should be flossing my teeth," whereas you knew that. And so, to a certain extent, what I'm trying to say is, yeah, that happens with an astrologer or psychic. When you hear something, it could work like that. But I'm trying to kind of get at this issue of you trusting you. Do you use Tarot cards?

Julie: Sometimes, yeah.

Jessica: And does that help you to trust yourself?

Julie: Not really.

Jessica: Tell me why.

Julie: I feel like I'm like, "Oh, the cards will give me an answer," and I give the cards the power⁠—

Jessica: I see.

Julie: ⁠—instead of, like⁠—it's like, "Oh, well, maybe if I pull this certain card," and then I'll feel like there's an answer from that and not from me.

Jessica: Okay. So let me give you a reroute with that. Come to a decision for yourself, even if you're like, "I'm not sure about this." But come to a decision for yourself, and then get grounded. And shuffle the cards and ask the cards, "Is the way that I'm holding this consistent with my best interest?" or, "Is my insight on point?" or, "Am I clear in what I'm trying to achieve here?" Instead of asking it for answers, ask it for validation, kind of like I gave you when I agreed with you about the dairy.

Julie: Okay.

Jessica: That's how I use Tarot, personally, is just to validate or interact with my intuition instead of to give me an answer.

Julie: Okay. That makes sense.

Jessica: And yeah. It's very, very effective. And I think for somebody who is indecisive, it's nice to have a tool where the cards are like, "No. No, you're not seeing things clearly." Then you can be like, "Oh fuck. How is this not clear?" And then you start thinking about it, and you can decide to ignore the cards or not. But it's also really nice when the cards are like, "Yes. You are an intuitive genius." And then I feel like, "Yeah. Okay. I'll take the job," or, "I won't eat the pizza," or whatever it is, right?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: At the center of all of this is how much you don't want to make a mistake. Do you beat yourself up for past mistakes or what you kind of feel like are mistakes from your past?

Julie: Yeah, sometimes. I don't⁠—I mean, I think I've gotten better at it. There's definitely times where I'm trying to fall asleep where the cringe highlight reel flashes through your head, and you're like, "Oh. Why⁠—oh."

Jessica: Yeah. That's perfectly said. The cringe highlight reel is⁠—unfortunately, it really encapsulates a thing. And am I seeing this correctly that you're just really scared of making a wrong choice or fucking up?

Julie: Yeah. I mean, I think I'm scared of getting myself in a situation that I'm not happy with. I know how I want to feel, and I don't know how to get there. And I'm scared I'm going to do something that's going to make me get further away from where I want to go, maybe.

Jessica: And when you've done that in the past and you've been in a situation that you don't want to be in or you've ended up in the opposite direction of where you wanted to go, what have you done?

Julie: Gotten really depressed and victimy and whiny, and it was like, "Life sucks, and everything's stupid."

Jessica: I see. Okay. Okay. That's very important information because what you're saying is you make a mistake, which is an inevitable part of being a human person⁠—we all fuck up. We all make mistakes. We all take wrong turns⁠—that there's a way that you kind of collapse in on yourself instead of rally.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Have you ever rallied in that situation? Or when it's that specific situation, do you just not rally?

Julie: There's a couple things that come to mind of times where I felt like I did rally, and I was like, "All right. Enough of this. I'm going to quit this job. I hate it. I'll figure something else out." But then, usually⁠—and so, then, I'll feel really good momentarily of, like, "Wow. I did that." But then maybe a month goes by, and now I don't have a lot of money. And then I'm like, "Well, that was stupid. I shouldn't have done that."

Or we bought a house a few years ago, and I hated it. And I was like, "I want to sell our house. I want to move somewhere else." And I felt really strongly, like, "I don't want to be here. I don't want to live here. We gotta do it." And so we sold it and moved, but then a few years later, I was like, "Damn it. Why did we do that? The housing market⁠—we should have waited." I don't know.

Jessica: I see.

Julie: And just I then have a lot of regret about the times where I felt, "No, I'm going to rally. I'm going to do it. I'm going to make a change. I'm not happy. I'm going to do something about it." I later then kind of regret it, almost. So then it further makes me not trust myself of, like, "Well, those times, you felt so strongly that it was going to be good, and now you're kind of like, 'Was that good? I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.'" And so it makes me question it even more.

Jessica: So there's two things I want to say about that. One is the next time you're like, "I need to leave this job. I need to sell this house. I need to"⁠—whatever it is, the next time you're so strongly like, "I know this is what I need," I want to encourage you to write a list of three to five items⁠—again, it can be very short; if you feel called to make it longer, fine, but it can be very short⁠—of what you would gain and benefit from acting on this feeling now. I want you to write another list: what would you gain and benefit from acting on this feeling but in a couple months or in a couple weeks, depending on the situation?

One is do it now. The other one is do it, but wait; plan it out a little more. And then the third is, "What would I gain or benefit, if anything, from not doing this thing?" because I think what you're scared of is, if you really evaluate your choices, that you'll talk yourself out of it. It's interesting because you described me as grounded. And you're not actually creating a ground for yourself, right?  You're not creating steps.

Now, the other thing I wanted to note to you, my friend, is⁠—and this could just be your examples, but all of your examples were fleeing. They were all fleeing. When you tend to be really decisive, is it always leaving?

Julie: Yeah. I think so.

Jessica: Okay.

Julie: Or if we get an argument or fight-or-flight, my MO is, "Get me out of here. Get me out. I'm leaving."

Jessica: "I'm bouncing. This is done." Yep.

Julie: Like, "I'm over it. Get me out of here."

Jessica: Okay. So, again, this is Pluto. The strong Pluto placement that you have⁠—plus you're a Cancer, Sun in Cancer, so this will do it a little bit, too. But it's really your Pluto placement inclines you, when you go into flight-or-fight, to do exactly that, to go into combat with people, but you're not a big fighter. Is that correct?

Julie: No.

Jessica: No. So you do the other one.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: You leave. And so that impulse is not your most wise impulse. That doesn't mean it isn't the best choice for you sometimes. It often is, or maybe sometimes is. But the activated feelings that were like, "We have to get out of this house. I have to get out of this job"⁠—because I could see it energetically in both of those situations you were referencing⁠—those activated feelings were, "I don't know how to cope. I need this to be done," instead of, "I know clearly that I don't want to be here and where I do want to be." Does that make sense, the difference?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Does it?

Julie: Well, I think I struggle with⁠—I have a feeling sometimes whenever I'm like, "Okay. I recognize I don't want to be here." So then my [indiscernible 00:32:35] is like, "All right. Shit or get off the pot. Do something about it and make a change. Do it, because otherwise you're just going to sit here and be like a whiny, miserable person. And that's not helping you either," which⁠—I feel like I've gotten better, maybe, within the last year or so about existing in that swirly, like, "I hate this. I hate this," and not attaching to it too much and being like, "Okay. I'm just going to wait till I feel a little more stabilized before I make any rash decisions." But it's hard.

Jessica: It's very hard. And it makes sense that it's only in your Saturn Return year that you're like, "Oh. I'm actually trusting myself enough to sit with these feelings a little longer." The thing that I want to encourage you to be mindful of is that part of you when you get really activated is like, "I have to leave," when it isn't paired with, "And I know where I want to go"⁠—that's when you should be suspicious⁠—

Julie: Right. It's very frustrating.

Jessica: Well, sure, it's frustrating because you're using drill sergeant rules here. "Shit or get off the pot. Suck it up. Don't be sad." And I understand what you're doing to yourself here, but the problem is you're robbing yourself of process. And I think that throughout our conversation, I'm seeing you haven't figured out how to give yourself process to sit with your emotions that are like, "The house is burning. I gotta get the fuck out of here, or nothing's ever going to change; it's always going to be this way"⁠—to sit with those emotions so that you can figure out, "Okay. This is how I feel. This is how I feel, but what do I need?" because sometimes what our feelings say that they need are just more feelings.

Sometimes we have to sit with the situation and the feelings to assess the details. So that might mean, yes, you need to quit the job. Fuck yes, you need to quit the job. But you need to line something else up first, or you need to save a couple dollars first. So you're going to quit the job on this date, and you're going to save your duckets and take some interviews leading up to it or whatever. So it's not about not giving yourself the thing that you've identified you want or need with passion, but instead, it's about doing it in a way that doesn't cost you more than you want to pay.

Julie: Yeah. Even you saying those steps, I'm internally like, "Oh, but that sounds so hard." I feel like I can be fairly impulsive sometimes, and I don't want to⁠—it's like, oh, if I know I hate this and I want out, I just want to do it. I want to rip it off and just do it⁠—

Jessica: That's real.

Julie: ⁠—and not be grown up about it, I guess.

Jessica: Well, I think grown-ups can be impulsive. I think grown-ups can tear shit down and build shit up, and that's good. But I do also think the pattern of either doing nothing and kind of getting stuck or impulsively jumping into the pool before you check to see if there's water⁠—it's like both of those things bring you unwanted consequences. And it becomes this ongoing dynamic where you don't trust yourself because you keep on throwing yourself into pools without water.

It's really about recognizing you don't have to do what you don't want to do. So if you, at the end of the day, are like, "You know what? That sounds fucking miserable. I'm not going to sit with wanting to quit a job and not quit a job. I'm just going to quit the fucking job"⁠—if that's how you feel, then that works. It's about making sure that you're signed up for it. It's understanding that, yeah, there's likely to be consequences. And you know what? 50/50. They may be excellent. And it may be like, "Oh shit. I wasn't planning for having no money," or whatever.

It's 50/50. It's a chance. But it's about making the decision that you're willing to take the chance and you're willing to deal with the consequences, making that decision conscientiously, because I think as I say that, I see this other part of you is like, "I actually don't want to make that decision. I actually don't want any consequence. I want to try to create good consequences for myself." So it's like there's different parts of you who have different needs and wants. Try to create a little more space for you to be complicated in, and don't assume that being complicated is a bad thing or an immature thing. It's a human thing.

I think sometimes, for you, making a decision and sitting with it and not acting on it will be torture, and it's not worth it. And other times, it is worth it because you deserve to make sure you land somewhere soft when you jump. This whole conversation is about how can you trust yourself. It's not about not trusting other people, but it's about having enough trust in yourself that you don't always have to look outside of yourself for what feels like solid answers. And the good news is, in your birth chart, I see very clearly that you can do this for yourself. This can happen. I mean, your Moon is in Aries. You got a lot of Leo in you. You got a stellium in Leo.

Are you ever going to be like, "Yeah, I'll just sit in my discomfort and not jump to conclusions"? No. No. You're allowed to be fiery. I think it's about embracing that part of yourself without abandoning the parts of you that want stability and security and want to feel like you're taking good care of yourself.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: What are the questions?

Julie: I mean, I want to ask you, "Tell me what to do for my career." I'm currently at home with my kids, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm fairly well-suited to stay-at-home-mom lifestyle. I mean, I tolerate it better than a lot of other people. They're like, "How do you do that?" I'm like, "Oh, I enjoy lots of parts of it." But I'm also, especially lately⁠—and I don't know if it's hormonal postpartum⁠—just feeling stagnant and anxious and bored, kind of, but also like, "But I don't know what I want to do differently."

Jessica: What were you doing for a living before?

Julie: Well, I was a pharmacy tech for a while, and that was the job I really hated and I simply quit. And then I've just been, like, random⁠—I've waitressed and worked at coffee shops, and I did COVID testing for a bit during the pandemic.

Jessica: Thank you. Do you want a career?

Julie: I want to do something that makes me feel excited and that I'm passionate about and, ideally, that can make me some money.

Jessica: So do you have a feeling of whether you'd rather that be a job or a career? You don't have to have an answer, but⁠—

Julie: I guess maybe I don't understand the difference.

Jessica: Well, there are people who are career waitresses, and then there are people who are waitresses because it affords them to do other things. So it can be a job, or it can be a career. I think that it's about your relationship to it. Your commitment to it is, to me, a little bit the difference. Astrologically, your career is the Midheaven. It's the highest point of the chart. And then the sixth house is where we find our job. It's the thing we do day to day.

Do you want to have a job that takes you away from the home a fair amount, that takes a lot of attention but also gives you a lot, or do you want a job that you can enjoy while you're doing it but your life isn't the job?

Julie: The second one.

Jessica: You want a job. Okay. Cool. Does that feel weird? Does that feel bad? I see your face.

Julie: I think I just have a negative association with⁠—most of the jobs I've had, I'm just like, "Ugh. I have to go and clock in and be there for these hours, and it's so rigid." It just fills me with dread.

Jessica: But you felt that way about the career you had, too.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Well, listen. Listen. You are not the only person who doesn't like their career or their job in the world. I mean, it is a very big problem for a lot of people⁠—because are you asking me, "What should I do for a living?"

Julie: I guess is there anything that you see as far as areas that I might find particularly fulfilling to invest my time in, whether it makes me money or not? Just anything.

Jessica: So that meaningfully depends on what parts of yourself you want to center. I do think that for you, your work environment is really important. So, if your coworkers aren't people you mesh with, you're just not going to like the job even if it's your dream job. Has that tracked for you so far?

Julie: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. So that's really important. Your coworkers are important. I'm going to say, unfortunately, you're social with work. So it's not like you're somebody who I would say, "Work alone. You don't have to be around people," because even though people are so complicated for you, I do feel when I look at your chart you do best when you can be in service in some way. So it's with people on some level, to some extent.

Julie: The jobs that I can think of where I've worked with people, it's been primarily customer service kind of situations.

Jessica: Right.

Julie: And I'm not a fan.

Jessica: Fair enough. And I will concur with that as well. But what about when you were doing the pharmaceutical work? Wasn't that with people? You were working with other⁠—

Julie: Yes. I felt, often, very⁠—we were in this small, little room all day with the same people, and I was just like, "Ugh. I don't want to see you again tomorrow."

Jessica: Have you ever thought about⁠—this is a terrible suggestion; let me just get ahead of myself by saying that. Have you ever thought about teaching?

Julie: Yes. I have, actually.

Jessica: Yeah. And have you chosen not to do it for the obvious reason of the system in this country is tragic and⁠—

Julie: No, actually. It's more I just talk myself out of it before I even take a step down the road into it. I'm just like, "Oh, I don't know. I'll be stupid. You get tired. It's a bad idea. You wouldn't be good at it." Or I maybe mention it to someone, like, "What about me doing this?" And then, if they have a strong opinion about it, "Oh, wow, I don't think you'd like that," then I'm like, "Yeah. They're probably right. I really wouldn't like it."

Jessica: Damn. You talk yourself out of⁠—you edit while you go. You edit while you go.

Julie: Yeah. Yeah. You hit it on the head when you said that.

Jessica: Yeah. You edit while you go. Okay, because when I look at your chart⁠—now, listen. People are leaving the teaching field in droves for reasons that you're probably very aware of, and it's a very difficult job, and it can be even a dangerous job in America. That said, when I look at your chart, I'm like, "Oh. You do like being of service." I'm not talking about service roles, but you do like helping, and you do like engaging.

Julie: Yes.

Jessica: You would like the hours. You would like the structure of the day⁠, I mean, assuming⁠—I'm talking about little kids. I'm talking about little kids, by the way.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: I think you would like teaching but also playing. You would enjoy that part. You would be both annoyed by kids touching you all the time and also be totally fine with it, like you kind of enjoy it⁠—both. You would get to be in charge, which⁠—you have a Sun square to your Midheaven, so you do want to be in charge. But you're not always comfortable being in charge. So, again, it's kids; it's not adults. There, we've kind of smooth over some of that discomfort.

When you've mentioned career, I've been like, "I mean, schoolteacher." I keep on seeing schoolteacher. It's not the only option. I'm not one for being like, "This is the job you should have." That's not really what I do. But what I can say is that I'm naming the components. I do think you like something that's physical, something where you get to move around and you're not just sitting at a desk. I do think, again, people. It could be animals⁠—people, animals. Could be either. Do you have a medical mind? Are you interested in medicine in general?

Julie: Sort of, but not⁠—I mean, I worked as a CNA for a hot day, and I was not into that. And I've had a lot of times where I'm like, "I wish I wanted to go to nursing school," because there's lots of nursing jobs everywhere, and you could make good money doing that. But⁠—

Jessica: Yeah. I actually wasn't thinking nursing. I was thinking veterinarian.

Julie: Oh. Interesting.

Jessica: Would you do something like that? Is that an interest or something you've ever thought about?

Julie: So it's not anything I've ever thought about. It sounds like a lot of school.

Jessica: It is a lot of school. So you go straight to the education. Listen. I like that you go straight to the problem, because again, I'm a Capricorn. I really respect that you instantly go to the potential problems. But okay. So this is the homework I'm going to give you.

Julie: Okay.

Jessica: I'm going to give you a couple pieces. The first one is to write a list⁠. You can take weeks, months. You could do it in a day, whatever works. Write a list of what you want your lifestyle to be like. I don't mean your lifestyle at home. I mean your lifestyle at a job, so how you want to feel, how physically active you want to be. Is it out-of-doors? You live somewhere cold, so probably not all the time out-of-doors. But maybe you actually do want to be out-of-doors some of the year, right? Thinking about whether or not you want to be in charge or you want a manager. Do you want many managers? Think about all that stuff. Just jot it down, bullet-point note form.

Let that list, the things that you do know⁠—don't think about what job that'll be. Don't think about what job that'll be while you're making the list. But then, when the list is done, let it kind of guide you towards ideas. Let it guide you towards things that are possible for you, because the truth is, when I look at your chart, do I think, "Oh, you should be a veterinarian"? That's not what I'm thinking. No. But it is on the list of what I see could work for you, as a theoretical thing that could work for you⁠—caring for animals, having some authority, working with some people. You're physical. It's something you can go into. There's a lot of things about it that could work. You could also be a vet tech, which is a lot less education and a lot less responsibility, for sure, but it's still working with animals. You like animals, eh?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. I mean, again, Neptune in the sixth house would do it to you. When people come to me and they're like, "I know what I want to do with my career. I want to do x," the first thing I tend to ask them about is, "Okay. Well, what do you want your lifestyle to be?" because people tend to have a fantasy about what a career or a job is that is not rooted in what is the day-to-day like.

So, you see, every piece of advice I'm giving you is about creating small lists. We could have just cut to the chase, and I could have been like, "Write some lists. I'll see you later. Bye." But really, I do think that that's something that will work for you because it's about you tracking your ideas. I think there's a lot of things that you could do that would not require further education, but you actually like education, no?

Julie: Mm-hmm. I do.

Jessica: So why are we so concerned about education? Is it because of the money and the time?

Julie: Yes, and also, I just turned 30, and I'm like, "I'm too old to go back to school," which I know is not true.

Jessica: Okay. Good. Okay. Good.

Julie: I know objectively I'm still a young, young person.

Jessica: Yes.

Julie: But I just feel like I'm not. I know I'm going to look back on me now and be like, "You were so young. Why did you think you were old?" But I'm just like, "I'm just too old to do stuff now."

Jessica: Yeah. That's not true, but I'm glad you know that's not true. "I am as young as I'm ever going to be" is what I tell myself any time I feel old. And it's not that I don't know that I'm old, because I'm on the hump side of middle-aged. But it's that I also understand that you're always as young as you're ever going to be. And so the ways that we limit ourselves and we tell ourselves, "I'm too old to do x"⁠— it's self-harm. If you didn't like education⁠—personally, me⁠—fucking hate school. I hate school. So, for me, I've always felt too old for school because I just don't want to go.

But you like school. You have a Jupiter trine to Uranus and Neptune. You enjoy the process of learning. You enjoy the process of developing new skills. You like school. So I am really encouraging you to not allow having to go back to school to stop you unless there's a good reason, like it costs too much money or "I don't want to." Those are great reasons, Francis.

But when you're thinking through ideas of what you would enjoy in your day-to-day life, don't think about all the things you might have to do and how many years it would take you to go through school, because then you're not actually figuring out what you want; you're just figuring out what you can't possibly have. And that creates this very thing that motivated you to write the fucking problem.

The question for you is what you want. And the only way to figure that out is to stop looking for the answer. Instead of looking for the answer, I would recommend that you figure out what you want⁠—not to do, but how you want to live. So I'm looking at you energetically, and I see that you're at this ledge that you spend a fair amount of time on⁠—please tell me if I'm wrong, okay⁠—

Julie: Okay.

Jessica: ⁠—where you feel kind of bad, kind of like, "Okay. I know what I need to do," but then kind of like just⁠—it's like the ledge of demoralization. Am I seeing that correctly?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: It's because the emotional energy of what needs to be done⁠—it feels overwhelming, and you go straight to "I can't" instead of⁠—how I would frame it is, at this moment, you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed by all the stuff we're talking about and all the stuff that you're thinking about. And this has exhausted you in this moment, and you need to come back to it with a fresh heart, fresh head⁠—whatever. Does that make sense, the difference between how you're feeling and what I'm saying?

Julie: I think so.

Jessica: I'm basically rebranding what you're feeling so that you have more agency because what I'm seeing is happening in this moment, at this part of our conversation, is overwhelm. "I can't. This is going to take too long." Is that correct?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. What I'm saying is all those feelings are your system's way of saying, "I can't anymore. This conversation⁠—okay. I did what I could do in this conversation. At this moment, this is as much as I can process. I need to take care of myself now." And instead of you feeling what you're feeling and being like, "Oh. I've tapped out. I hit my limit," you're like, "What's wrong with me? This feeling is the indication of what I'm always going to feel."

Julie: Ah. Yeah.

Jessica: So it goes into a victimy state instead of a "Oh, this is my limit, and I'm allowed to have fucking limits." And I want to say to you you are allowed to have limits, and that's all that these feelings are. I mean, there's sadness in here. There's real sadness in here. Do you know what it is, or is it just kind of like a go-to feeling?

Julie: I feel like sometimes, like if I try to meditate, I feel like I have a really deep well of sadness, and I'm not 100 percent sure what it's about. And I feel like it could be partially sadness for how I've treated myself for most of my life is probably a part of it, but it almost feels like it didn't come from me sometimes, like it's a generational⁠—I don't know, or a global sad, like sadness for all the things that are out there to be said about. But it's like a never-ending⁠—

Jessica: I mean, I think that's healthy. Yeah. It's never-ending suffering of the people before you and the people around you and the people after you. Sure. That's a great reason to be sad. But the problem is you're being like a little squirrel about it, and you're shoving the nuts of sadness deeper and deeper into your cheeks and into the pockets of everything that you have around you. It's almost like instead of really letting yourself be like, "Okay. I'm just feeling a feeling right now," it's almost like you clamp down on those feelings and you hold them tighter. Do you know where you're feeling those feelings in your body? Can you feel them? Do you know where they are in your body?

Julie: I feel like it's primarily my heart.

Jessica: Yeah. I'm seeing it's like your chest and a little higher on your chest. Is that right?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Can you try to feel it and breathe into it? Try to breathe into it a little bit more, like really inhale and exhale into that part of your body. Okay. Does it feel any different?

Julie: I don't know.

Jessica: Yeah. So it's like I don't want to tell you what it feels like. I can see it, but I don't want to tell you what it feels like because that's part of the problem, is I can tell you and then you'll be like, "Yeah. That makes sense." Do you feel the same weight of overwhelm and sadness that you did a minute ago? And it's okay if you do. Just trying to track it.

Julie: I think I⁠—yeah, I think it feels the same.

Jessica: A feels the same?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: I'll have you do that again, and this time just try to hold lightly in your mind the question of, "Do I need anything here? Is there anything that I need?" And just see if you hear or feel anything.

Julie: Yeah. I mean, I feel like the thing that popped into my head was forgiveness.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. That's great.

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: And do you meditate? Did you mention that earlier?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. And do you do guided meditations?

Julie: Sometimes, yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Cool. I'm going to prescribe you homework that you prescribed yourself, but I'm going to be the Capricorn of the room, and I'm going to just say find yourself a guided meditation about forgiveness. And if you like it, listen to it whenever you start to feel this feeling that we're talking about. And again, it doesn't have to be different, but does it feel any different now, or does it feel the same?

Julie: It feels a little bit different now.

Jessica: Yeah. How?

Julie: A little less⁠—I don't know if this is going to make sense, but a little less expansive, a little more like it's got a shape to it, I guess.

Jessica: It's less global. You can contain it; you can do something about it now. Right?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay.

Julie: [indiscernible 00:54:49] still there, but it doesn't feel like it's washing over me in the same way.

Jessica: Right. That's how you build trust with yourself. It's by sitting with what you actually feel, checking in with yourself, and then following through. So that third step, when we get off the call, the following through, is going to be really important. Even if when we get off the call you feel better and it kind of goes away⁠—which it⁠ might⁠—it's not gone, because this is like you said. It's like this chronic global thing that you return to.

And so I want to just kind of reiterate the only way to trust yourself is to be a good friend to yourself, to follow through on your promises to yourself, and to actually care for yourself. And the answer of "What should I do for a career?"⁠—I can see how pressing it is for you. Aries Moon. Aries Moon. It's really, really pressing. I also see you're actually not ready to leave the house and have a job yet, correct?

Julie: Yeah. That's very true.

Jessica: Again, you're motivating out of scarcity and fear. You're like, "I have to make sure I fix this problem," instead of, "I really want to find an answer that feels good, and I don't know what that is. How can I explore my options?" which is so much more spacious. It's, "My situation is not an emergency, and I am impatient and want this sorted." So, when you are in a state of⁠—I call it activation. It's when you're feeling really "I have to figure this out, or the world is going to fucking end. It's going to be torture," or you're in the flip side of that activation, which is like deep Eeyore vibes like, "Everything sucks. It'll always suck. Nothing will work." Right?

In either of those moods, your work is to not seek the answer but to be a good friend to yourself and to take care of yourself around your feelings. So, when you're deep in those emotions, like a good Cancer, you need to nurture your feelings. And nurturing doesn't mean enabling. It means that those small steps⁠—noticing where you feel it in your body, sitting with it, and then asking yourself, "What do I need?" And sometimes you'll do this and it won't work, because life. But it's a practice that you can take on to start developing more trust with yourself.

What that will do over the course of time⁠—and I don't mean days or weeks or months; I mean over the course of years, over time⁠—is that it will take the intensity of both of the extremes of your emotion down a notch or a few notches, and then you have a stronger relationship to your agency. There's one more thing I'm supposed to tell you, and it's like I'm trying to find the right words for it. Bear with me here. Something happens when you hit a level of overwhelm where your thoughts get really scattered. Is that correct?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: What I'm saying is that that is a sign of overwhelm for you. And instead of honoring it, what you do is you say, "God, I'll never figure"⁠—it just fuels bad feelings. But I want to just name it because it's showing up right now⁠—is, again, we went past your emotional capacity. And I don't mean that as a criticism. We all have an emotional capacity. And readings are intense. We're talking about your intense shit. So we blew past⁠—we are actively blowing past your capacity, and so your thoughts are getting more scattered, right?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: So I want to just validate that. This is what it feels like to stay in an interaction or to stay in a situation past what you can handle, really⁠—is your thoughts get scattered. And so there's nothing wrong with you. It's your system telling you, "There's no more gas in the tank. Why are we still driving?" That's what that is. And so what that means is you need some form of self-care. But I just want to validate there's nothing wrong with this feeling that you're having right now, and there's nothing wrong with how your thoughts are scattered.

It's your system trying to tell you something. And if you listen, then your system will trust you, and then things will start to shift. They'll become more manageable for you, either because your system won't need to be so dramatic to get your attention or because you'll just have more coping tools that are more self-appropriate and at the ready. You get what I mean?

Julie: Yeah. That makes sense.

Jessica: Great. Did we hit the major stuff? Do you have any final question for me?

Julie: No. I feel like it was good. There's definitely a part of me that's like, "I want to walk away from this with just the black and white. Do this; you⁠'ll feel"⁠— I knew going into it that I was going to want that, and I also knew going into it that that wasn't going to happen, and nor should it have happened. It wasn't going to be good for me for that to happen.

Jessica: It's true. Sorry/you're welcome/sorry.

Julie: Yes. No, I think I ultimately⁠—I don't want to stay in this place that I'm in. And you doing that is only going to keep me in the place that I'm in.

Jessica: Right. Right.

Julie: And I'm very grateful.

Jessica: It is my pleasure. And again, I just want to reiterate be really patient with yourself with this process because it's a many-years process. It's not like a many-weeks process, unlike dairy, which I think⁠—give it a couple months. You'll figure it out. You know what I mean?

Julie: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Well, Julie, thank you so much.

Julie: Yes. Thank you, Jessica. Thank you.

Jessica: Oh my God. It is my pleasure.

Okay. This is Episode 294, and I just want to say we⁠—and by we, I mean me and my partner⁠—have released 294 episodes over the course of 231 weeks. And I'm very excited about that. We haven't missed a single week regardless of what has happened in our lives or in the world, and that is something that I feel really proud of. I like to be consistent because⁠—I don't know⁠—it's kind of my love language. And I will say that creating this podcast is such a joy to me, and it's also a joy to my partner. We are a very small team who creates this podcast. It is just the two of us. I hope that you get a lot of value and information from the content that I share here because it's like the results of my life's work.

Anyways, all of this to say I am turning 48, which is confusing because I have been telling myself and everyone else that I'm 48 for about nine months now because I like to round up every birthday. So I'm turning 48, it feels like again, but it is technically for the first time. I'm turning 48 on January 11th. And in honor of my birthday this year, I'm doing something so uncharacteristic of me. I'm taking a little break. That's what's happening.

So I'm still going to give you your horoscope next week for Episode 295, so don't you worry. You're still going to get information about what's happening in the stars. But in next week's episode, I'm not going to be giving a reading to anyone, in person or otherwise. So I'm only making this change for a week, and I'm doing it as a little "Take a load off, Jessica" kind of gift to myself.

And BTWs, if you are in the market of wanting to give an astrologer a birthday wish, please hit the Subscribe or Follow button wherever you listen to this podcast. Give the podcast a five-star rating or whatever⁠—20-star rating, whatever you can do, your little max. Write a kind review. If you've gotten value from my work, then that would be a much-appreciated gift. You can also join me over on Patreon if getting exclusive content of all manner of woo and astrology would brighten up your life. It would certainly brighten up my life to have you join me there.

Birthdays⁠—are they weird? Are they cool? I don't know what the kids think these days, but I do know that growing older is a fucking privilege. And there's so much pressure to stay young, to act young, to look young. And I'm not going to pretend like I don't bow to that pressure. Of course I do, what with me being a human person and all. But I will also say as I am days away from 48, man, 48 is easier than 38 was. And holy shit, 38 was easier than 28 was. And don't get me started on 18.

In other words, life can get easier, even as problems never go away. The complications of life don't disappear. But if you're doing the work along the way, then your capacity to cope gets bigger, stronger, and more flexible, more resilient. And that is worth its weight in gold. Anyways, all to say Episode 295⁠, just your horoscope. Episode 296, we're back to regular programming. So feel free to send in your questions if you want a reading with me here on the podcast over at ghostofapodcast.com.

Okay. Enough blah, blah, blah. Let's get astrological. This week, we are looking at January 8th through the 14th of 2023. The first exact transit that we have this week is on the 8th, and it's a Mercury trine to Uranus. So we very recently went through a Mercury trine to Uranus. That hopefully sounds pretty familiar to you because we are now in a Mercury Retrograde, which means what we're doing is we are retracing our steps through the stars. The last time we experienced this transit was on December 17th, so it was pretty recently, less than a month ago.

And you may want to pay attention or do a little flip back through your dear diary to see what was going on for you on and around the 12th because those themes may be reiterated. We may see a repeat of whatever it was that was going on for you. So not a literal repeat, but a repeat of the themes that were happening within you or in your life. All to say Mercury trine Uranus is a lovely transit. What it does is it sparks curiosity. It sparks our openness to new possibilities, to new ways of doing things, new perspectives.

Whenever I think about the idea of a new perspective, I think, I guess, like a Capricorn and I think about how when you're climbing a hill and all you can see is what's in front of you and what's behind you⁠—you can see a little bit to the side on either side. You're looking forward; you're looking back. But when we enter into Uranus transits, and in particular easy, supportive Uranus transits like a sextile or a trine, what happens is it's like you turn a corner. So you've reached a new plateau of a new height, but you've also turned a corner. So you're able to see a huge amount behind you, in front of you, to either side of you, that just wasn't accessible to your viewfinder before.

That is kind of how it feels with a Mercury trine to Uranus. You just have access to perceptions, insights, perspective that you didn't before. And if you activate from that place and you use those insights, it can be really stimulating to your life, and it can bring about really dynamic circumstances or dynamic outcomes. But you need to engage. That's an important part of the whole story, is you need to engage. So definitely pay attention to insights that you've got or opportunities that come your way.

And when I say opportunities, sure, it could be like someone offers you a job, but it's just as likely to be something small like a friend inviting you to go eat someplace you haven't eaten before or a coworker reaching out to you in some small way that is just easy to ignore, but it would also be easy to be open and to explore, like, "Oh, is this a new ally? Is this someone I can learn from?" Yada, yada. So just be open, if you can, this Mercury trine to Uranus.

Now, if you're a studier⁠—you're a teacher, you're a student, you're somebody who's a learner⁠—this is a particularly fabulous transit for, again, just being open to new information and integrating that information. So, if you've been putting off trying to read something, study something, practice something, this is a great date to get going with that because you're more likely to have kind of exciting and unexpected results. And the unexpected and exciting may stress some people out, but I promise this is not a stressful transit. It is just lovely.

That brings us to January 9th with another absolutely lovely transit. This one is a Venus trine to Mars. Now, we want to keep in mind that Mercury is Retrograde. Mars is Retrograde. And I hope you've been noticing since Mercury went Retrograde on the 29th of December⁠—we were feeling it as the shadow got deeper and deeper as we approached that Retrograde, but I imagine that you've noticed since December 29th that having this double Retrograde situation, Mercury and Mars, has been messy, just a lot messier, as communication, plans, and ideas, as well as our ability to assert and our ego drives, our ambitions, are all in this Retrograde cycle of not being satiated.

There's a lot more room for messiness, misunderstandings, things that provoke insecurity or situations that are ultimately kind of demoralizing. So it's almost over. In fact, the Mars Retrograde is over this week. We'll get there in a moment. But it's important to pay attention to this kind of stuff because these transits occur for a broader reason, and that reason is so that we reflect and we reassess what we're doing, how we're doing it. So don't hesitate to let these actually quite lovely and easy transits to inspire the kind of introspection that you need to make subtle adjustments, change course in a big way, whatever. Whatever. You know?

I mean, sometimes just the act of reflecting and truly asking yourself questions about what you're doing and why is enough to spark change. And that doesn't mean you're going to come to some sort of new answer, but the act of asking the questions and being honestly curious⁠—that can be transformational on its own, even if nothing technically changes or needs to change. So don't be scared to ask questions.

Okay. Okay. Back to the transit. On the 9th, Venus forms a trine to Mars. While not spectacular, the effects of this transit are absolutely lovely because what it does is it not only increases our willingness and desire to connect with others but also our ability to do so gracefully, effectively, that kind of thing. And that's because Venus is diplomacy. It's sensuality. It's social connection. And Mars makes shit happen. Mars is sexuality. It is chemistry. It's making shit happen. And so, when we have these two planets of social and romantic and sexual connection coming together easily like they are here, what we have is the ability to make shit happen and have that shit be delightful.

Is this a great transit for first dates? You better believe it. Is it a great transit for 700th dates? Yes, it is. Will it, on its own, bring you love and romance? Absolutely not, not unless it is hitting your birth chart very specifically. And I will say Venus is at eight degrees of Aquarius; Mars is at eight degrees of Gemini. So you would have to have something at around eight degrees of a zodiac sign that would be stimulated by either Aquarius or Gemini. This transit can be really dynamic and lovely if it's hitting your chart specifically, and if it's not, it can just be a breath of fresh air, a little bit of ease, a flirty interaction at your favorite café, that kind of fun shit. So, if you're looking for social connection, make sure to leave your house on the 9th, and not just the 9th. It's around the 9th.

But of course⁠—of course⁠—all blessings come with qualifications, and this blessing of both Mercury trine to Uranus and Venus trine to Mars comes with the kick in the cooch of Mercury Retrograde forming a square Chiron. And that will be happening exact on the 11th of January. So let me tell you what this transit is about because it's a little bit of a pain. As we know, Mercury is your mind. It's your attitudes. It's your thoughts. It's your beliefs. And Chiron is related to core wounding.

And so this transit, straight out the gate, can bring up mental suffering. And it doesn't create mental suffering out of nothing. What it does is it stimulates our beliefs or attitudes and the conscious and unconscious ways we actively participate in them, and it stimulates them to such a point where we are often in suffering; we are in struggle. A meaningful component of Chiron and Chironic healing is around our sense of safety and willingness to be here⁠—be here in your meat suit, be here as a soul, be here as a partner, however it is that it plays out for you as an individual. But there's something really core about choosing life or how we engage with being alive when it comes to Chiron.

And so having a Mercury Retrograde square to Chiron is really going to stimulate our narratives around that. And the cool thing about that is when something is lit up, you can see it plainly and engage with it more consciously. That's the cool thing. And so this Mercury square to Chiron, I want to encourage you to really notice your self-defeating narratives, your negative self-talk, the tone of what you say and how you say it to others, to yourself, how you may shut down and stop listening when you feel challenged or go the other direction and try to invalidate or ignore your own instincts and replace it with other people's ideas, beliefs, attitudes.

So this is a challenging transit. I won't act like it's not. And in light of these lovely socializing transits that we've had at the start of the week, it could mean that you have this lovely interaction with someone⁠—someone in your life, someone new, whatever. And then Mercury square Chiron kicks into effect, and you start questioning yourself. You start judging yourself. You start assuming the worst. "Because x happened in the past, it's for sure happening in the present, or it'll happen in the future"⁠—you know, that kind of negative self-talk that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you find yourself mentally fixated⁠—Mercury⁠—on suffering, on pain, on failures perceived or real, during this transit, I want to encourage you to take a moment to become aware that that's what you're doing and, if you can, engage in critical thinking. And what is critical thinking? It is thinking about thinking while thinking. Not easy for all people and way too easy for others, right? Depends on our nature. But it's being mindful of where your thoughts are going and conscientiously engaging with your own thinking so as to not unintentionally⁠—or intentionally⁠—create the very circumstances, internal or external, that you are trying to evade and avoid.

Not easy, but it's also not that complicated. It is very hard to find the mental and emotional wherewithal to do that, because when we are engaged in suffering, and in particular the kind of suffering that will happen with Chiron and Pluto in particular⁠—sometimes Saturn⁠—where it's like the suffering that we are identified with since early developmental experiences⁠—so it just feels like irretractable reality. It feels like we are locked into it. When we're engaged in that kind of suffering, it is easy to believe or to tell ourselves or others that it's impossible for things to change; it is never going to change.

But it can change. Most things can change⁠—not quickly, not easily, not always where and how we want them to change, but they can change. And with this Mercury Retrograde square to Chiron, the invitation is to be willing to change our thinking, our approach, our plans, how we listen, what we say to ourselves or others. Again, this is an internal shift because it's a Mercury Retrograde. So pay attention to your own beliefs, attitudes, your own thinking, your own words, your own tone, how you listen, and how those things participate in and maybe co-create part of your own suffering. Easier said than done. Easier said than done. But that's the opportunity and the challenge of this particular transit.

Now, luckily, on the 12th, we have an exact sextile to Chiron from Venus. And this is right on time because that Venus sextile to Chiron can empower us to be diplomatic, to be generous, to be kind to ourselves around the exact wounding. So it softens the blow of that Mercury Retrograde square to Chiron, and it doesn't soften the blow by distracting us or pointing us away from our suffering, our struggles, our beliefs, yada, yada. What it does is it empowers us to be more caring to ourselves, to others, to be more loving to ourselves and others.

And so you want to tap into that Venus in Aquarius energy where you are open to loving yourself in new ways, where you're open to centering in your values⁠—Venus⁠—healing, or a new narrative or whatever is needed to get to more stable ground, because again, Venus is associated with stability and security. And so it's important to know that when we generate stability and security on half-truths or straight-up lies, whether those lies are self-fulfilling prophecies, pain-induced beliefs⁠—whatever it is⁠—when we create stability and security on things that are not true or real, it's like sandcastles in the sand. It's a matter of when and how, not if, they will crumble.

So to create true stability and security, we need authenticity. We need the truth. That's the way. So, luckily, this Venus sextile to Chiron will empower us to do that. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything right; you don't have to do anything wrong. You don't have to do anything. But to all the things we do and all the things we opt out of and we don't do, there are consequences. Some consequences are de-fucking-lightful, and some consequences are tragedy, and there's everything in between. But there are consequences to our choices.

So you don't have to do anything, but it's so imperative that you remember your agency, that you have choice. You might not have ideal choices, but you have choice. So what will you choose? And make sure as you think this through, as you evaluate this, as you play it out, that you pay attention to those Chironic themes, those old beliefs that you may hold about what's inevitable but that's netted in pain or suffering.

So I have another thing to tell you about. Mars goes direct on the 12th of January. I am so happy about that. Now, Mars will stay in its shadow for quite some time, but it is direct. So things are likely to get a lot easier. We only have about another week, not even a full week, of Mercury Retrograde, so that means that we are almost out of this Retrograde season. And as Mars goes direct, you have the opportunity to identify and cope with whatever themes have been at play during the Mars Retrograde. And I'll remind you that this has been going on since October 30th of 2022.

So, whatever it is that has been going on for you in this season⁠—October 30th through January 12th, 2023⁠—it's time to reflect on it. And if you're like, "Okay. I've learned x, and I want to change y because of it," this is a good time to giddyap and go. You can make shit happen. When Mars is unlocked from that Retrograde, the energy shifts from inward to external again. And Mars loves to take off. Mars governs cars and driving. So you may feel your energy come back. You may feel that situations and dynamics in your life have a little more flow to them, a little bit more juj to them. And I want to say where there is juj there is joy. So tap into the juj that you find, should you find juj.

Okay. We've got a couple more transits to talk about this week. The next one is a Sun sextile to Neptune. This is a lovely transit. This transit empowers us to have more empathy for ourselves, for others. It is a great time to tap into your own intuition, your own instincts, to do spiritual work, to step into nature if you can, to find music that just stirs something in you. All of this is really good Neptunian behaviors that fortify the Sun, a.k.a. your identity, your sense of self, your will, your vital energies.

This transit can be really good for heightening your spiritual senses, your creative senses, your appreciation for nature, your connection to that which is not mundane or that which is more spiritual and otherworldly. This transit can also increase your empathy for others, again, your generosity, your ability and willingness to perceive things from other people's perspectives and care/give a fuck not just in theory but in action. So, again, a lovely transit that you really want to tap into.

My sense, because of the transits kind of sandwiching this guy, this Sun sextile the Neptune, that it's, more than anything, going to feel like a little bit of spaciousness, a little bit of a breath of fresh air. But you can make the most of this transit by doing any of those things I mentioned. They will help a lot, especially if you've been having a hard time.

That brings us to the final transit of this week, and that is a Venus square to Uranus. Now, I love this transit. This is one of those transits that most people don't like, that I fucking love, and I'll say it every damn time. Venus square to Uranus is hard because Venus wants security and stability, and Uranus wants freedom. It wants surprises. It wants individuality. It doesn't want to be fettered in relationship, whereas Venus loves to be in a relationship. It loves to be a "we" instead of a "me." Uranus is all about the "me."

So, when these two planets form a hard aspect, it's a difficult time for feeling stable and secure in a relationship. It can be a transit that challenges your value system, challenges your sense of self, especially if you identify your value and yourself in general through your relationships with others or through how other people perceive you beauty-wise.

The reason why I love this transit is because it's exciting. It brings about new vibes, new energies. It can bring about new relationships, new flirtations. It can inspire you creatively so that, again, you see things from a different perspective, as I was talking about with Uranus earlier. And that can be so dynamic and exciting. The key is to not be attached, to not be attached to how you think your relationships should be, how you think other people should behave, how you should feel, to not be attached to your creative process moving in a particular direction.

I think this is a great time for artists because regardless of your medium, there's more likely to be energy for something new to emerge. Unfortunately, this can be really challenging for a lot of people, and it can be a challenging transit in general. But it's also kind of exciting. Uranus tends to bring about excitement, which, again, can be a problem or it can be really thrilling. This is, generally speaking, a great time for experimentation, for being playful and trying new things. It's certainly related to your sex and love life, so if you can get in there and get some strange, I say get some strange. But it's not exclusive to that.

It might be a day that you decide to just dress really differently or wear your hair, your face, whatever⁠—doing something aesthetically really different. This can be a time where you look at your apartment and you're like, "Ah. I see where I can move the couch in this room, and it'll actually work," and then it just sparks all these creative shifts for you. It's very fun. It can be very fun. So, if you're willing to have fun and to change shit up, this is the transit for you.

The closing words of warning I'll give you about this transit is, one, it's not a great time for making major purchases, in particular spontaneous purchases, because you know Venus is related to our finances, and Uranus is all this unexpected spontaneous energy. And so our aesthetic, our perception of our needs during this transit, may not be stable. And so it's just a better time to hold off on those impulse buys. Just wait 72 hours is my advice.

The other thing is don't process. If you're in a relationship, if you're trying to make things stable, if you're like, "Are we going to commit? When are you going to move in?" don't have that conversation on and around the 14th. Don't do it. It's not going to be well-starred. This is not a time for securing things. It's a time for exploring. So, if you are feeling like you want to get validation from other people, don't go about it in your habitual way. It's not going to go great if you do.

So it's not like there's something wrong with going about it in your habitual way; it's just this is not the transit for doing that. This is the transit for changing up your approach to how you engage in your relationships⁠—in your relationship to how you look, in relationship to hooking up. We want to change it up now and again, and Uranus is your buddy for making that happen. So do your best to creative, and if you don't have the energy to be creative, if you don't know what the hell that means, then just don't try to make things stable. That at least will help you.

So, my loves, I'm going to run through the transits of this week again. On the 8th, we have an exact Mercury trine to Uranus. On the 9th, we have an exact Venus trine to Mars. On January 11th, we have a Mercury square to Chiron. On the 12th of January, Venus forms an exact sextile to Chiron, and Mars goes direct⁠—and the people rejoice. On the 13th, we have a Sun sextile to Neptune, and Venus forms an exact square to Uranus on the 14th. And that, my friends, is your horoscope.

Thanks for listening to Ghost of a Podcast this week and every week, and I will talk to you next week. Buh-bye.