Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica:            Monique, welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about?

Monique:        My question is, am I here to learn how to stop cutting people off? More specifically, am I destined to keep cutting people off, or am I here in this lifetime to learn how to stop doing that? I feel like I'm very alone, but it's because I, for a few reasons, don't want to deal with anyone's shit. So the first big cutoff was years ago. A childhood friend from high school⁠—we disagreed over a number of political things, and we had a blowout fight that ended our friendship. And then years passed, and I left an abusive ex of five, nearly six years at the beginning of the pandemic.

                        I've cut off my own mother and brother for some childhood trauma they inflicted. And I just ended a situationship after six months that was not the best for me objectively. There have been many other people in between all of those severed ties. So, right now, today, I'm thinking about cutting off another friend because of some uncomfortable experiences with her. I am aware that I'm incredibly indignant, but frankly, I feel like I'm in the right for why I cut people off. It's almost always for something big. It's physical, emotional, financial abuse, homophobia, fatphobia, racism, some sort of bigotry thing. And I feel justified in the reasoning, for sure.

                        However, outside of my family and that very first ex, I've never felt the need to fix issues for very long. I just encounter the problem and immediately think, "This is trash. Let's just move on." So I've had a number of jobs, and I've moved to a number of different cities, and I've met people all over the country. I have friends, and I keep close with people from college, and I can call someone up to catch a movie night. But I don't have anyone right now who knows me or who to call even in an emergency.

There's not a lot of depth to my relationships right now because I've cut out most of those old, deep relationships once I felt wrong. And then, lastly, I was hesitant to add this before, but I do want to provide context for why I'm asking⁠, two major things. The first is that something that informed my spirituality as an adult was that when I was 13, the night my grandmother died, she visited me in a dream and she spoke to me directly. It was a very peaceful and beautiful moment with her that I definitely treasure. It wasn't scary at all. And she told me a couple of things about my life that have come true.

She warned me about upcoming difficulties with my brother's mental health, which did happen, and she warned me about a medical concern that I was going to have, and that did happen. And she said explicitly, "There will come a time in your life where you're going to be alone for a little while, and it's going to be really hard. But just know that I'm there the whole time." And I can't remember what she said about when or how or why it'll end. And I've seen her in dreams after, and so have other family members. But I never had another in-depth conversation like that with her since, so I really hold on to that experience.

And then the second reason was that the medical concern she predicted is this neuroimmune disorder I have. When that set in a couple years ago, I remember being seized up on my couch, and I was terrified of being paralyzed for the rest of my life. And I made a vow to myself and whoever was listening at the time, "If and when I heal up, I'm not going to spend another moment dealing with shit from other people because if I died right now, I would be so disappointed in my life up until this point." And I felt like I had let my life go to waste or allowed people to step all over me up until that moment. And so I was like, "If this is it, what the fuck? That's all?"

So, anyway, I'm just always wondering, am I doing this wrong? Is it part of my life lesson to learn how to cope with hard aspects of other people so I can stop being alone, or am I doing this stuff right by pruning away and snipping away at trash relationships, and it's just a difficult thing to do and it's just a lonely period in time?

Jessica:            Okay. That's a lot, and we're going to do all of it. And you're comfortable with me sharing most of your birth information, just not the city you're from, correct?

Monique:        Yes. Yeah.

Jessica:            So that's May 15th, 1996, 6:30 p.m. in somewhere, Texas. How old does that make you?

Monique:        I'm 27.

Jessica:            27. Okay. Pre-Saturn Return in your 20s. Excellent, excellent, excellent. There's a lot in your question, and I want to start by speaking to the last thing you said because you did something that I think most of us do in our 20s. You've created an idea. It's either this or it's that.

Monique:        That's true.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's like, "Either I'm doing the right thing, or I'm doing the wrong thing. Either I should keep on cutting out bitches, or I have to eat shit from people."

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And I don't think it's either of those things. And whenever you catch yourself being like, "Something big and nuanced and complex. I have only two options," you gotta know that you're not seeing the whole picture. That's just a rule for life. It's like a pro tip that will never treat you wrong because the truth is absolutely in the middle of those two extremes. And I'll get to all that in a moment.

                        But I do want to say a couple things. The first is, when you mentioned that you had cut off your mom and your brother, what kind of welled up inside of me was congratulations. That feels just⁠—without unpacking all the details, because that's not really what we're here to talk about, that was a self-preservation move. That was a self-love move.

Monique:        It was. It really was.

Jessica:            Yeah. So congratulations. And whether or not you will ever let them back in in any way or to any extent over the course of life, which can be quite long, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now, I don't see the bridge in front of you, so it's a non-issue. Am I seeing that correctly?

Monique:        Yeah. Her birthday is in one week, so I've been going back and forth about whether or not I want to call her. But yeah. Outside of that, I haven't had a plan to reconnect too deeply.

Jessica:            Let's use that, actually, as a place to start because, again, we're back to the way that you framed your options. You could call her on the phone; you could not reach out to her at all. But there is something in the middle, which is sending a card. Go old school. Use the snail mail, not an email. And I say not an email because an email⁠—somebody can read it and just react and write you right back, and that opens up a door that I don't actually see that you're really willing to open up at this time. Am I right about that?

Monique:        Yeah. You are. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. So the snail mail is a delightful gift because you can get an actually nice card if you want. You can make a card. You can say, "I'm thinking of you. I hope you are well," whatever you can say in an honest way. Right?

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            You are thinking of her. And if you are thinking about sending her a happy birthday, you probably are wishing her well. And you don't have to put a return address. You don't have to put anything that suggests, "Call me." It's honoring that there's a part of you that really loves her because she is your mom and that cares about her, and also honoring that you're not inviting a dialogue.

                        And I want to just kind of say, okay, so I'm sharing this with you because hopefully it's practical and helpful. But also, what's interesting about the way you framed your question and the way you're holding this issue is that you're not naming boundaries. You're like, "Either I let them in and they suck up my life force"⁠—you didn't say it that way, but that's kind of how I heard it⁠—"or I cut them out."

Monique:        Yeah. That's how I feel.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's what it seems like, right? "Or I cut them out, and I'm free." So it's either/or. But in the middle of that, with some people, there is the option of having boundaries, different kinds of boundaries than you've had before. The thing with your mom is I would say, if you're being kind to yourself, you're allowing the love that you have for her to have an outlet without costing more than you want it to cost, basically.

And this brings me to the fact that you, my friend, have a fucking stellium in Taurus. You have so much Taurus in your birth chart. You've got your Moon and Mars conjunct in Taurus and then Mercury and the Sun conjunct in Taurus. And Taurus⁠—everybody talks about Taurus as stubborn. And you are not breaking your stereotype, so there is that.

But the other thing, the very important thing about Taurus, is Taurus is Venus-ruled. Your primary motivation is to avoid conflict. Now, the people who you cut off might not think that's true. But the truth is, if you were less conflict-averse, it might have occurred to you that you could navigate boundaries with people. But because you're so conflict-averse, it's either off with their heads or, "Invite them into my house and give them everything that I have to eat."

Monique:        Right. Exactly.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay.

Monique:        And I'll add that I am a letter writer. So, oftentimes, when I am cutting people off, it's like, "Here's how you made me feel. Goodbye."

Jessica:            All right. Now suck on that.

Monique:        It's not usually a dialogue, so yeah.

Jessica:            Right, right, right. And when I recommend that you send your mom⁠—I don't know if I'm recommending. I'm suggesting the idea that you send your mom a card⁠. It is not a letter, because there is an element where I would posit that when you air out all your thoughts and feelings and you don't give the other person room to do the same, it becomes like a power move. It's like, "Bitch, check."

And now, even if you were the right one, even if you were the right one, because you pulled a power move, now you've given them kind of more power and more righteousness in a situation. Now they don't need to listen to what you're saying because you said it in a way where you're just like, "You have to listen to me, and I refuse to listen to you," again, not breaking the Taurus stereotype right here.

Monique:        I'm not doing us a service right now.

Jessica:            It's okay. I mean, as somebody with a ton of Capricorn in my chart, it's like sometimes we just have to be what we are. There's a reason why the stereotype exists, and that's okay. But the thing to know is that the Taurean stubbornness is a self-protection move because it's so much easier to say, "I can't see anything. I can't hear anything." You know what I'm talking about, the monkey emojis?

Monique:        Hear no evil.

Jessica:            Hear no evil. See no evil. Exactly. Thank you. Thank you. Monkey emojis. It is easier to do that and pretend that you have some sort of peace, like you're protecting your peace by not engaging. That's where the stubbornness comes from, right? It's the desire to feel safe, really. And the truth is that at the end of the day, you create short-term safety and security in yourself at the expense of being known and knowing others. And that's exactly what you framed to me in your question, so it's kind of a perfect question for you.

                        That said, I must say you've got a Moon/Mars conjunction that is also conjunct your Descendant. People bug the shit out of you.

Monique:        Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay. People annoy the fuck out of you.

Monique:        Yes, they do.

Jessica:            You are irritable. Yeah.

Monique:        I am so⁠—like I said, there's always just a strong wrongedness to me all the time where I'm just like, "How dare?" for everyone and everything.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. Yep. That's Mars. Mars is just like⁠—it governs the ego. So it's like, "How dare you talk to me that way? How dare you perceive the situation that way?" It's really offense. And then Uranus forms a square to your Moon and your Mars, so you are quick to offense. If you didn't have that Uranus, you'd be like, "Oh, that bugs me," and you'd stew on it like a good Taurus. But Uranus is like, "I'm stewing on it, and now I'm telling you. Instantly, now I'm telling you."

It is very hard for you to rein in your reactions. So I want to just say, will you cut off people over the course of your life? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And is that a problem? I don't know. Only if they're great people and they're healthy relationships.

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            But at the same time⁠—and I would just want to frame, first of all, there's two reasons why I say that. The first one is I think that is true of just about everybody who evolves because, eventually, we break up with the person we're dating. The friendship ends for a reason. As we evolve and grow, we will inevitably outgrow relationships and styles and preferences and etc. I just want to say, and that's okay. It's not awesome-feeling, but it's a part of life, and I think that's okay.

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            And then the other part, which is very specific to you, which is your Moon/Mars opposition⁠—yeah, people annoy you and they offend you. Let's hold them both separate because they are separate. You may conflate them, but they're actually separate things. And when you're done, you're done. The Uranus square to your Moon and to Mars⁠—you hit a wall with a person, and you're just like, "I literally don't care anymore." And that's not the only thing that's true, but there's an element on which that's true. Does that make sense?

Monique:        It does because I⁠—sometimes even before they know, I start just mentally being like, "Well, that's dead."

Jessica:            Yep. Yep. "It's done." Mm-hmm. So, all of that said, you have unaspected Venus. Venus is the ruling planet to Taurus. And your Venus is unaspected. And this predisposes you to identify what you need for security and stability and a sense of safety in really extreme ways. So, sometimes, the thing that seems like the safest and the most stable thing to do is cut a bitch out. And sometimes, the most secure, stable, safe thing that you believe you could do is have people close.

                        And the way in which you do or don't feel comfortable with people⁠—it swings. That unaspected Venus can give you a bit of a pendulum swing, which you didn't need help with because Uranus is already squaring your Moon and Mars. So you got it coming from lots of places. Now, there's something else. Your North Node is in Libra.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. You saw that already, huh?

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            You saw that. You were like, "Fuck." And you're too young for us to be too focused on the North Node. But I want to say, from an evolutionary perspective, you've not⁠—because of the way you framed your question, "Have I come here to cut bitches out?"⁠—I mean, you said it in a more Venusian way, but I'm going to say it in my Capricorn way. The answer to that is no, and we know the answer to that is no because of the North Node in Libra.

                        And that doesn't mean that the answer is eat shit from people. Oh no, it doesn't. And again, you've created it's either/or. And we want to get rid of that belief because the North Node in Libra does indicate that your soul is here to figure out how to authentically share of yourself with others. And one of the things that I think is really important about who you are is you are irritable. People piss you off.

Monique:        Yeah. It's just a trait.

Jessica:            It's a trait. It's a fucking trait. People piss you off. And learning how to navigate that part of your nature is really valuable, and it's really hard because you're so Venusian. So the way that you're so Venusian makes you want to be even-keeled and chill and agreeable. But you're not.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            You're super-duper not.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            And whatever value judgments you have about that are for you to work on. And listen. I'm not going to say people aren't going to throw those value judgments on you as well. But that Uranus at the bottom of your chart squaring your Moon and Mars⁠—it means you're a real weirdo. And I have no negative connotation with the word "weirdo." Do you have a negative?

Monique:        No, I don't.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. Okay. You're a real fucking weirdo. You're an eccentric. You're going to live your life your way. You're going to have relationships that are not heterotypical, super normie. And that is not a bad thing at all, zero percent bad. But if you try to force yourself⁠—a beautiful, round peg⁠—into a square box, yeah, then you're going to feel battered and bruised by life.

                        In order to have boundaries with yourself and other people, part of what you need to do is to accept yourself, that you are easily offended. You are easily annoyed. And that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be offended and fucking annoyed. It doesn't mean people aren't wrong. But it does mean learning how to sit with and listen to your own feelings before you turn them into actions is really important.

Monique:        Real.

Jessica:            Okay.

Monique:        Yeah. I've been trying to learn how to slow down and not immediately jump into, "Let's start the evacuation plan." But it's probably the hardest thing that I deal with because I'm just like⁠—I don't know. I don't know where to go from here after they've pissed me off because I don't know how to⁠—yeah, [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Yep, 100 percent. So a couple things. The first thing is we're going to case-study this with the friend that you're considering cutting off in a minute, okay? That's going to be the easiest way to do this. But before we do that, I want to say when you start to feel like, "Okay. Evacuation plan in place," what I'm seeing happens is that you feel something and it fills you with icy-hot rage.

Monique:        Yes.

Jessica:            And it fills your chest, like the center of your body, up through your throat.

Monique:        Yeah. I have a temper for sure.

Jessica:            Yeah. But you don't express your temper to people, do you?

Monique:        No, I don't.

Jessica:            No.

Monique:        To be quite honest, it is a fundamental thing, also, where I'm like⁠—so many people in my childhood and life projected their anger onto me that I very much⁠—even when I'm very pissed off, it is not that person's thing to take my physical anger.

Jessica:            Sure.

Monique:        I can express it a different way. But it is very much not in my nature for me to be screaming at someone.

Jessica:            I get that. But the problem is what you said is so well-adjusted, so mature. Yay you/you just repress your anger and then cut people out.

Monique:        I do. Yeah.

Jessica:            And then you feel awful because you're left with all your fucking anger.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            What I'm recommending is the worst possible thing; I just want to be clear, okay? It's to feel your anger and to recognize, "I can't be around this person in this moment because I'm so fucking pissed. And if I'm around them, all I'll do is imagine ways to put them on the chopping block⁠—and that that imagination, how I can get rid of the person who's making me feel bad⁠—that imagination is your coping tool for feeling bad.

                        It doesn't really work. The reason why it doesn't work is because it's not a boundary. It's not you feeling your emotions. It's not having a boundary with another person. It's off with their head. You saw Alice in Wonderland; you know the reference, right?

Monique:        Oh, definitely. My favorite childhood movie.

Jessica:            And did you like that character, the Queen of Hearts?

Monique:        Yes. I loved the Queen of Hearts.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. Sure. Off with their head. And that's kind of your move, right? It's your move. So what I'm recommending that you do is sit with the feelings, understanding that you may cut off their head. That might be the best move. But you can't know until you do not feel that icy-hot rage overwhelming all of your pores. The thing about Mars is it's visceral. We experience Mars in the body. That's why it compels us to act, because it's really hard to sit with things in the body, especially things like, "I hate this bitch," or, "I want to murder this person," or, "They are offending every fiber of my being, and I have to show them that I'm not to be trifled with." All of these are Mars's kind of take.

                        Now let's go straight to your case study. So I'm going to have you state your full name and her full name.

Monique:        My full name is [redacted]. And I actually don't know her middle name, but her name is [redacted].

Jessica:            So she doesn't know that she's on the verge of being fired.

Monique:        Sort of. It's actually funny. I'm doing this friend differently than usual, but I have vocalized my discomfort to her and allowed her to respond. And it has been a minute. I told her, "I received your message. Just give me a second to process." And so I'm going to respond, and we'll see, basically, if I do this. Yeah.

Jessica:            Is she a newer friend?

Monique:        Yes, she is.

Jessica:            Okay, because she doesn't know that you are the Queen of Hearts.

Monique:        [crosstalk]

Jessica:            No. Uh-uh.

Monique:        No. Yeah.

Jessica:            She doesn't really expect it to go the way that it is likely to go.

Monique:        No.

Jessica:            So what did she do?

Monique:        She is a very Christian person. I am not. I'm formerly Christian growing up. I was a Southern Baptist, and now I'm something else. And in discussions with other Queer friends, we have kind of pieced some things together where we've been like, "Is she comfortable with Queer people, Queer and Trans people?" I'm the one who felt probably the most uncomfortable about it and so asked, "Can you please tell me your views on queerness and transness?" And she gave me this very long spiel back that wasn't really a yes, but wasn't really a no, about whether or not she accepts us, quote unquote.

                        And so I've just been processing that, because there are really positive things about our relationship. I very much, as a Black person, value my relationships with Black women, and so I don't want to cut her out for that reason. But at the same time, I do not deal with homophobia. I do not deal with transphobia.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Monique:        So, again, got this very vague answer from her and have now just been sitting, thinking about it, like, "Is this the cutoff moment, or is this like, should I slow down, calm down, try to talk to her about it?"

Jessica:            And you're Queer, yeah?

Monique:        Yes, I am.

Jessica:            I'm Gay as hell. I just want to preface this.

Monique:        Good. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Very good. Very good. Very good. So she's Christian. She knows you're Queer. She's got that "Love the sinner, hate the sin" thing, right?

Monique:        That's what it feels like.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Monique:        She didn't say that explicitly, but yes, that's what it feels like.

Jessica:            She's done the modern version of it, the modern liberal version of it. But that's basically like, "It's not like I think it's good that you're Gay, but I don't want to talk about hell, so don't worry about it." That's kind of what it looks like her thing is.

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            So, if you talk about it with her further⁠—you asked her what her take is⁠—would you then try to convince her to not believe that Gay people are going to hell? Because that's really the problem for her, right, at core?

Monique:        Yes. And I am, as you know, very not patient and not a teacher and not the type of person to sit and be like, "Here are some resources."

Jessica:            Right.

Monique:        Yes. So I am trying to figure out, do I want to do a little personality change for this person, who I do like and have enjoyed in other ways and feel comforted in a very big city that I live in? We have other connections. And so I'm just like, I don't want to toss out a friendship that is valuable. But also, yes. Do I also want to sit and tell you why what you said is⁠—

Jessica:            Fucked up.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            It's fucked up.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. It's homophobic. But it's actually⁠—again, I'm going to say something⁠—you know, there's a reason why I wanted you to know I'm Queer. Her friendship with you is authentic.

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            She genuinely cares for you. If you called her and you were like, "Fuck. I'm in the hospital. I need a hand," or, "I'm in a situation," yeah, she'd show up.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            And the fact that she has spiritual beliefs that she doesn't know how to reconcile with the complexity of⁠—it's not just the complexity of queerness or transness. It's the complexity of these conversations. Christianity offers you simple, blunt-edge answers. You know what I mean? Good/bad, hell/heaven, duh. It's just kind of⁠—that's it. And she is struggling with her ideas. That's why she gave you a vague answer.

Monique:        Okay.

Jessica:            I mean, she gave you a confusing answer that tells you that she's confused.

Monique:        Yeah. And that's what it felt like. I had to sit and maybe think, "Maybe she's closeted and she's struggling with that." But also, at the same time, I felt like it's not my job⁠—

Jessica:            No, it's not. Of course not.

Monique:        ⁠—to walk through that at the same time. But you're right. It did feel so vague and muddled that I was like, "What was this? You shouldn't have even sent this if you didn't know what to say."

Jessica:            But she did know⁠—okay. You asked her to explain⁠—you were like, "I am your Queer friend, and I'm asking you to tell me what you think."

Monique:        Yes.

Jessica:            So she had no choice but to send it.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            So you ask somebody to touch your back, and then you're like, "Fuck you. Why'd you touch my back?"⁠—I mean, now that's on you, okay? So there's a way that she has revealed to you what you already fucking knew. She's complicated. She is not inner circle. You cannot completely trust her, because there's something that is not completely aligned here. And yet she is an actual friend. She's not just a pal.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            There are Queers in your community that would not show up if shit got real in your life, and she would.

Monique:        Exactly.

Jessica:            And she does not think, "Because of my convictions about Christianity, I know that this person I'm friends with his going to hell." She thinks, "I don't want to think about that, because that doesn't make sense and I can't reconcile it."

Monique:        Yeah. Because she likes us. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. This is how people evolve. It's not how you evolve. You turn these sharp corners really fast, and you're like, "Click. Got it." You have to have noticed most people are not like that, right? And this is a couple things in your birth chart, but part of what's hard when you have a stellium⁠—right? You've got four planets in the same sign. You are all you. Your perspective is fucking fixed earth. Boom, boom, boom.

                        She is clearly not a fixed-earth person. She's clearly not a stellium in one sign unless it's a more mutable sign. And so there's an element here of, like, she is on her own journey to reconcile her beliefs with the world she's in. And while you don't need to hold her hand through that, I don't see how that actually necessarily harms your friendship or anything in the pragmatics of how the two of you are, because when we talk about homophobia or transphobia, there are levels, aren't there?

Monique:        Yes.

Jessica:            There's levels. And some of it is ignorance. Some of it is authentically fear. And then some of it's hate. You know what I mean? And she is not hateful.

Monique:        No, she's⁠—

Jessica:            She's not that kind of homophobe. And I wouldn't call her a homophobe. I would say she has a lot of growing up to do. I mean, I would call it that, but maybe that's fucked up because she has a community that agrees with her or that has told her this is what to believe.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            So the value of cutting her out because of these beliefs and because she actually isn't doubling down on them⁠—she's not certain. I don't know what that does for you, to cut her out. Is she trash? She's not trash. Are some of her beliefs trash to you? Yeah.

Monique:        Yeah. It's the beliefs.

Jessica:            It's some of the beliefs.

Monique:        It's like if I dissected her from her beliefs⁠—she's probably the funniest person I know and just as silly as me. We connect in that way, and it's so fun to be around her. But then, yeah, it's that belief that I'm like, "Oh man."

Jessica:            The thing is that if all you want in your life is people who are 100 percent on your page, you already know that's really fucking hard.

Monique:        It's not going to happen.

Jessica:            There are a lot of people who are 100 percent on your page, but that doesn't mean you have compatibility. There's something of a synergy that occurs in interpersonal relationships. Now, when I look at this, I would say that it is okay for you to say to her or to say to yourself⁠—you don't have to say it to her⁠—"I'm uncomfortable with the fact that you're uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable with some of your beliefs because I'm so proud and happy to be as Queer as I am."

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            "And that is a thing that is a bit between us. But I really care about you, and I value our friendship. And if you ever want to talk to me about it, we can try to talk about it. But I'm going to kind of not talk to you about my dating life too much because I don't want you to be secretly judging me." You could say something like that and still have a great friendship with her.

Monique:        Yeah. That's real.

Jessica:            And what I'm recommending, essentially, is allowing there to be kind of different layers of intimacy in relationship. This person is a really good friend in certain ways and not in others. And as long as you don't need her to be everything to you, then you don't have to be everything to her. You can be like, "It's June. I'm not talking to that friend so much. I'm busy." You know what I mean? Whereas this person hasn't harmed you. This person has a different worldview that is informed by her religion, which is informed by all kinds of cultural factors, some of which you share with her and that you really treasure in her. It's part of why you like her, because it's familiar. Even if it's not exactly what you want, there's a familiarity there, eh?

Monique:        Yes, there is.

Jessica:            Okay. So tell me, what comes up at the idea of not firing her but having a little bit of an internal boundary around your expectations of her? What comes up around that idea?

Monique:        It's somehow really difficult for me to consider because I am so black and white, either/or, that I just cannot compute this nuanced thing, which sounds really silly. I know it's needed and I know it's necessary to try to hold both truths at the same time, but I'm struggling. I'm not going to lie. But I want this. It's just like the practice of that is⁠—it's hard.

Jessica:            Yeah. It is really hard. We're talking about the ways in which you cut people off, but I want to acknowledge that if you're this hard on other people⁠—they are not allowed to have imperfections; they are not allowed to be on their journey in your presence⁠—how fucking mean are you to you? Jesus Christ. You must be so mean to you.

Monique:        I am.

Jessica:            You must be the biggest jerk in the world to yourself.

Monique:        Yes, I am. And I'm working on that, too, which is why I'm trying to work on that with other people. So it's just⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Monique:        Yeah. It's very much like⁠—

Jessica:            It's the same, isn't it? So I want to just acknowledge that what we're talking about is empathy, grace, and boundaries, not eating shit. And right now, you don't know how to identify and gauge what is the difference between eating someone's shit and saying, "I don't like that about you. Okay. Change my expectations. Change what I'm going to do with you."

                        You have a Sun/Pluto opposition. You have Pluto in the first house, Sun/Pluto opposition. So what's it mean? It means you're fucking intense, dude. You are super-duper intense. Do you forgive? No, not so much. Do you forget? Definitely not.

Monique:        No.

Jessica:            No.

Monique:        Oh my God.

Jessica:            And the only reason why you have this in your chart is from trauma. Some of these are your nature, and some of these are your nature as a response to trauma. So we don't want to get rid of the part of you that's stubborn. Your stubbornness fucking holds you up. It empowers you. Stubborn is great. You just want to have flexibility and adaptability with your stubbornness so it protects you and doesn't keep you trapped or in a rut.

                        Your intensity, your ability to never fucking forget what a person did⁠—that's a superpower when used with intention and moderation. When it's not used with intention and moderation, it's just a punishment machine. You're punishing yourself. You're punishing them. You're punishing yourself. You're punishing them. And it sucks for you.

                        I'm going to give you homework. You're going to⁠—piece of paper. And you're going to draw some fucking circles, okay? So the center circle is you. You can put in that center circle "Me." Then draw out a couple circles, and think about these circles as places where people can be. The center, center, center, you're not going to let a whole lot of people in that center. And there's only going to be an overlapping circle. No one's going to get all the way in there. That's not what we do, right? But there's going to be people who get really inner circle. Maybe somebody if you're in a romantic relationship, somebody who's a bestie, will get in there.

                        But otherwise, you are allowed to have people who are three circles out. So, right now, there's your inner circle. Then there's the people who are kind of in the next circle, so the second one. This woman is on the line between two and three circles out. So okay. This thing about the homophobia, maybe it pops her a little further out, a little further out. But the truth is the way she shows up for you as a friend, not in theory but in actual practice⁠—that's why she's hugging the fucking line. That's why she's where she is right now.

                        And I think because your nature is like, "Cut her out. She's not on our team. Cut her out," I would just say push her out. And the further out someone is in the circles from you, you adapt your expectations and you adapt what you give them. That's all. You are allowed to do this. And I think, again, the way you were raised, there was this kind of mythology of, "You can only trust us. We're the only ones that are⁠—our family is it. This is it."

Monique:        Yeah. Absolutely.

Jessica:            "And you have to protect us." Right?

Monique:        Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And that was toxic.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            And now, even though you've rejected all of that, you're doing it to yourself.

Monique:        Yeah, but just me.

Jessica:            Yeah. But just you. Exactly. It's so isolating, and it's punishing. It's punishing yourself as well as others. The reason why I'm telling you to draw it out⁠—you could even get a dry-erase board and move people around. That might be helpful because I want it to be really easy for you to feel like, "Okay. Today, this bitch is in that circle. And oh, wait, today she jumped circles." She can move. She can move.

Monique:        Real. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And you could even create a system in your phone where you put a strawberry emoji next to somebody who's real close, and then you put a bomb emoji next to someone who you can't talk to right now because you'll cut them off if you do. You can create an emoji-based system that is visual that is acknowledging the different layers of intimacy that people hold. And this is a way for you to visually acknowledge not everyone is in the innermost circle, and that doesn't mean that they're your enemy or that they're dangerous for you.

Monique:        Yeah.

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Jessica:            Are you dating someone now?

Monique:        I was recently, but no.

Jessica:            Just recently. Okay. And what's the right pronoun for me to use for them?

Monique:        He/him.

Jessica:            Okay. So did you end it with him?

Monique:        Yes, I did.

Jessica:            Okay⁠—

Monique:        Um⁠—

Jessica:            What? Tell me what. Tell me what.

Monique:        I sound so crazy, but he forced my hand.

Jessica:            He forced your hand? He made you break up with him?

Monique:        Yeah. Sort of. Yes.

Jessica:            How?

Monique:        A couple of things. I actually did try to resolve things with this person a couple times, and then I was kind of in this last-straw mode, and he did the thing. He invited me over to hang out with him and his friends. Something happened with his phone, and I was standing outside for 15 minutes. And I was pissed because I'm just out in the middle of the night. So I left, and I get these calls and these texts later that are, "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry." And whether or not it was real as an accident or⁠—I don't care. It just was like I was already in final-straw mode. And so yeah.

Jessica:            That was the reason why you broke up?

Monique:        Yes. And I miss this person, but I also felt like, "You knew these things upset me," and it felt, at that point, sort of intentional.

Jessica:            Okay. This is why we needed to talk about that, the part where things feel intentional.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Say that guy's name.

Monique:        [redacted]

Jessica:            So this guy⁠—listen. I'm not saying you should be with this guy, but I am going to say this. I would be pretty stunned if he did that on purpose when I look at this energetically. And I think what happened for you was, because it hurt your feelings so much, it turned into indignation. So, instead of feeling sad⁠—"Oh, I'm standing here, and this is fucking embarrassing, and it's sad and all these things," instead of being with the sadness, you went to indignation. And for you, indignation is like, "This bitch did it on purpose. They were doing it to hurt me. They're laughing at me." It goes into this really paranoid, defensive place. Right?

Monique:        Oh yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And I want to say, all the kindness in my heart, your paranoid defensiveness is rarely ever reliable. And so listen. Should you be with this guy, not, yes, no? That's not the point of this. But I was like, I wanted to look at this because I felt like there was something there, and this was it. It's when you hit these feelings of, "Oh, I know they're trying to fuck with me"⁠—when you go there, you should know, "Okay. I'm in my villain activation," and not just villain to other people⁠—villain to yourself.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            You're having a sad experience. Your feelings are getting hurt.

Monique:        I'm literally compounding on the⁠—I'm making it worse.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes.

Monique:        Literally, on the drive back, as he's calling me and texting me and stuff, I'm like, "It's all just fake." I'm telling myself this horrible story. Yeah.

Jessica:            Right, when in fact what's happening is he's mortified that he did this thing to hurt your feelings. And it was a stupid mistake that literally anyone could make. The point is, in that moment, you're like, "Nobody would make that mistake. That's ridiculous. He knew I was coming. He didn't check his phone," all these things. And listen. I'm a fucking triple Capricorn. If somebody is two minutes late, I am like⁠—those are the longest two minutes of my life. If somebody is five minutes late, I'm like, "Oh, they don't respect me." So it's not like I don't identify with what you're going through.

                        But what we need to recognize in ourselves is that whatever it is that is triggering your activation, when you're activated⁠—you, me, anyone. When anyone is activated, we are not perceiving the situation with clarity. And there's this part of you that hears me say this⁠—and please tell me if I'm wrong about this⁠—and hears that I'm invalidating the authenticity of your feelings.

Monique:        See, that's really weird because it's not that it's my feelings. It's more that I'm like⁠, "I feel guided to make this choice. I feel guided." So it was Juneteenth. That is a very big day for me as a former Black Southerner. It started, actually, in my area, in the Galveston area. And I was hanging out with a Black friend all day. This person [redacted] white. And he knew what day it was.

He texted me. He was like, "Come hang out." And so I literally⁠—I was talking to a friend about this, and she was like, "I don't think he was doing it to piss you off as a Black woman." But I literally was open on that day for messages from my ancestors and everything, and this felt like a divinely led moment where I was like, "Oh, you're telling me to cut this person off because he disrespected me on this day."

Jessica:            Ah.

Monique:        And I know it sounds so, like, bleh. But it's just⁠—it feels like I was divinely led to this moment and had to cut him off for [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. This is so important. I'm so glad you're bringing this up. So there's a couple things. The first thing is, even if you're dating a white person, is that the best day of the year for you to go meet him with his friends? The answer is always, 100 percent of the time, going to be no. You know what I mean? So that's just like, again, we're back to having a boundary with yourself. It's like you knew that that was not the time. You knew you should have hung out with your friend or met up with a different friend. This was not it.

That's one thing I want to say, is that if cultivating boundaries with yourself and others isn't a massive part of what you prioritize, then you're going to feel like things happen to you and at you a lot, whereas you knew in your fucking guts, "Don't drive to this stupid white boy. Even if I'm in love with him, it doesn't matter." You knew it, right?

Monique:        Yes, I did.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Okay.

Monique:        Oh my God.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay.

Monique:        I'm sorry. I'm just thinking, because literally, before I left, I was like, "I probably shouldn't go." And then I was like, "Nope. Ignore it." And then⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            So that was the guidance. That was the guidance. If your ancestors were talking to you, it was like, "Maybe you shouldn't go." That was the guidance.

Monique:        I'm so embarrassed.

Jessica:            No. Don't be embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed, because this is like⁠—listen. Whether we talk about inherited trauma⁠—we're talking about epigenetic fucking trauma⁠—whether we're talking about lived experience from your own childhood, whether we're talking about just your fucking personality, all of these things are valid and real. And you do not need to be perfect. You do not. Listen. You do have strong intuition, and you do get guidance. But here's the rule.

                        From my perspective and in my experience, when we are activated, we are not receiving guidance, because think of it this way. You know what it feels like to be pissed, right? It's like you're in a fucking firestorm. How could your guides cut through that? How could your ancestors cut through that? That's not where we're getting guidance. The guidance is that little voice in your head or in your gut that says, "Maybe don't get in the car and go to the stupid white boy's house." That's the guidance.

                        The voice of our guidance and our guiding systems tends to be more neutral. And if you think back to the visitation from your grandmother after she passed, there was a neutrality in the way she connected with you, eh? I mean, you didn't say that, but⁠—

Monique:        No, absolutely. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's the thing. Everyone wants it to be like these massive bolts. But when we're activated in these massive bolts, we are not open. We are so turned in on ourselves because, again, this is like all of your activation on all of the levels is getting stimulated, and then you're not actually receiving your guidance. Yeah. So this is a really valuable thing. The next time you have a little voice in your head that's like, "Maybe don't. Maybe don't do this," or, "Maybe hang out with the friend a little bit longer," if it's neutral, try to trust it because the feeling that you have of activation⁠—and again, it's like on a scale from 1 to 10, your activation that night was a 50.

So, whenever your activation hits an 8 or a 9, let alone in the double digits, that's when you know that you're in your feelings and you need to cope with your feelings instead of figure out the answer, because your guidance can't get through. And it's not just you. I think this is how humans are wired, but I would say it's certainly you because of how quickly you go to defensive and paranoid and "Vengeance will be mine."

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Right? I want to kind of come back to your central question of, "Do I have to keep on cutting people off?" I do want to reiterate I do think you're a person who will cut people off in your life, and I don't think that that's a bad thing for you. Sometimes people need to get cut the fuck off, and more people in the world should cut people off than they do. A lot of people are like, "I need to keep my high school friends." And the question is, do you? Do you? I don't know. Do you?

                        But also, cultivating boundaries with yourself where you sort through your expectations of that person and you sort through what you're projecting onto the situation is really valuable, and recognizing that there are some people in the world who will go out of their way to be like, "Fuck you. I want to hurt you," on purpose. But that guy? He wasn't that kind of guy, was he?

Monique:        No, he's not.

Jessica:            No, he's not. He's not that kind of person. That was totally like an activation narrative for you. And that doesn't mean you should be dating that person. But I think it's really important to ground into, now that you're not activated, you can kind of see that. And the key here is to not be an asshole to yourself about it.

                        So let me pull you up because I see you're starting to smoosh yourself down.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Monique:        I knew I kind of fucked up there, and so I'm just like, "Damn. Do I fix it? Do I leave it alone?" Yeah.

Jessica:            Let's talk about that for a hot second here. If there's a way that you want to seek repair, it's got to be in regards to owning your participation and not making the other person feel any kind of way⁠—

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            ⁠—because you don't get to control that part, right? It can't be a way to assuage your guilt. So, in this moment, you are not ready to do a fucking thing about it. Let's just stay with it. You're in your activation. You're in your activation, and that's okay. It's a different kind of activation. It's sad. But you can⁠—this is going to be⁠—I don't know. Maybe you'll like this; maybe you won't. But what you can do is write a letter that you have no intention of sending, where you own your part. You do not excuse it, defend it, or explain it⁠—very hard work for you. Just be like, "This really hurt my feelings. I overreacted. I know you probably weren't trying to harm me. I'm sorry for the way I treated you in that regard. It wasn't out of malice. I was just really in my feelings." Boom.

                        That would be the ideal kind of letter. But you have a Sun/Mercury conjunction. You will never write something so succinct in your life. So that's not my advice. My advice is to write the letter and then to rewrite the letter, and then to rewrite the letter, and then to edit the letter. And then you edit it down to the most essential things that need to be said. So it will go from a tiny novella to a different tiny novella to a different tiny novella to an edited version and then another edited and then another edited.

                        When we are apologizing, like really seeking to create repair⁠—really shouldn't be more than a paragraph, because otherwise, you're defending yourself. And you know what it's⁠—

Monique:        Yeah. [crosstalk]

Jessica:            Yeah. Exactly. And you know when people try to apologize to you, you fucking hate the way they do it most of the time. So you actually know this stuff.

Monique:        Yeah. It's not supposed to be about your feelings and fixing⁠—yeah. It's supposed to be just getting it across.

Jessica:            It's about acknowledging, "Cooler heads have prevailed in this moment, and I'm like, oh shit, you weren't trying to hurt me. It was an error," and word, word, word. "Best of luck. See you later. Bye, bitch." And that can be something that you decide to send or not. But I do think that there is a value in doing this in this situation because it's a good practice for you to figure out how to have accountability without having shame, without being the bad guy. He made a mistake, and you made a mistake. Two mistakes. And you can own your part. You don't have to, but you can, and I think it will lighten the weight of how you feel about it.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            But again, the key here has to be not trying to fix it, because all that Venus is like, "I want to make it better. I want to smooth it over." And that's not what this is about. It's not about smoothing it over. Now, state your full name out loud again for me.

Monique:        [redacted]

Jessica:            Do you have a history with depression?

Monique:        Absolutely. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. So this is what happens, is when it's not my fault, then you go into the deepest of the Saturnian layer, and then everything's your fault. And so it makes sense that you want everything to be so extreme, good/bad, all/nothing. And I want to say that the muscle, the skill, of having grace for mistakes and imperfections⁠—it's not a different one for other people than it is for yourself. There's different applications, different chutes and ladders that it has to go through. But at core, it's the same fucking muscle.

Monique:        Okay.

Jessica:            And so this is not about letting other people off the hook. No. It's about taking the hook out of your own heart. It's about giving yourself permission to fuck up. Sometimes you're the one who makes an error. And the only thing that I have found that really alleviates the level of guilt and depressiveness that you have about this sort of thing is accountability and humility. In other words, it's just being accountable, learning from it, and owning it. And you do not need to perform any of these things, but you do need to cultivate these things as you talk to yourself. Does that make sense?

Monique:        Yes, it does.

Jessica:            Because if you're going to continue to be such a huge dick to yourself, it's going to be⁠—sorry, but I can see what's going on in there, and it is unacceptable conduct⁠—it's going to be really hard for you to have the adaptability to shift how you are with others. Have you ever heard me talk about puppy talk rules?

Monique:        Yes. I think so.

Jessica:            Okay. So you catch yourself being a dick to yourself, and then you say, "Puppy talk rules requires that I say, 'Okay, self. I'm slightly dissatisfied with you, and I am feeling lots of rage. But I'm going to take a break from treating you like shit, self, and I'm going to be nicer.'" You can, even if it's awkward and stupid, find a way to restate that terrible thing you said to yourself.

                        The cool thing is you are very capable of change. You're a person who changes. The bad thing is⁠ this is going to drive you fucking nuts and hurt like hell to do. It's going to take a long time, and that doesn't mean you won't make progress tomorrow. The whole thing isn't going to just go away. And again, you're going to remain an irritable person who wants to cut a bitch, and that is part of your nature you're going to learn to work with, hopefully, because at the end of the day, I do think you want a partner.

                        And this brings me to the last thing that I wanted to make sure I said to you. And do you want to be partnered? Am I seeing that correctly?

Monique:        I do. Yeah. I was actually engaged at a point, but I broke that off. But I do still want partnership.

Jessica:            I mean, you have a stellium in Taurus in the seventh house. Of course you want partnership. I do think you can be partnered, as long as you're not locked in with a contract, as long⁠—and that doesn't mean, as you age, you're not going to want to be domestic partners or something so that you can be in the hospital room if shit goes sideways. There's governmental advantages to being⁠—work around it is what I'm trying to say.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            I think you need space. So, in a fantasy land, you're in a duplex. You get upstairs; they get downstairs.

Monique:        Right?

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. 100 percent.

Monique:        This has been my dream. Yes. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yes. Or you're on a piece of land, and you have to walk a nice ten-minute walk down a path, and now you get to stay at their place or they stay at your place.

Monique:        Exactly.

Jessica:            And I want to just validate you don't need to grow out of that. You don't need to adapt to that. And if finances make it so that you can't have a fucking duplex or whatever, you don't have to live with someone, first of all, in order to be partnered. And second of all, if you do live with someone, it's really important, like super fucking important, that you have separate bedrooms. Yeah. Separate bedrooms.

Monique:        Thank you for saying that⁠—

Jessica:            You're welcome. Yeah.

Monique:        ⁠—because I have said this before, and I have been looked at like I had three heads. And I was like, it's not that I don't love my partner or partners or whatever, but I just don't think you're supposed to be on top of people like that.

Jessica:            Agreed, 100 percent. And that's not for everyone. Again, you're an eccentric person. You're a queerdo.

Monique:        Yeah.

Jessica:            So live a fucking queerdo life. And that means giving yourself permission to have these boundaries. It's not about the person you're with. It's about you. You need space. You need to feel like, "I'm choosing to sleep with this person," instead of, "It's either this or I'm in my car tonight." That's not a choice, you know? And so I want to just say that this is your nature, that even if somebody is your best friend or even if you're madly in love with them, you still need space from them. They're still going to bug you. And that's okay.

                        You have a less fatalistic, all-or-nothing, fixed-earth sign kind of relationship to these feelings. Then you can just be like, "Oh. This is where I need to go and write for an hour," or, "It's where I need to go take a walk," or, "It's where I need to listen to music with headphones because I don't want them to enjoy what I'm enjoying because I need something just for my fucking self."

Monique:        Right.

Jessica:            That's all good. You just need to find ways that are more sustainable and loving towards yourself, and then therefore others, when you get activated in your emotions.

Monique:        Thank you so much. I feel lighter. I'm not going to lie.

Jessica:            Oh, that makes me so happy. That makes me so happy.