Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica:      Abigail, welcome to the podcast.

Abigail:      Yay.

 Jessica:     What would you like a reading about today?

Abigail:           The thing that keeps coming into my head and my heart⁠—and it seems so big, but it’s the question that keeps calling⁠—is, what am I? And I think I’ve been asking this question since I knew how to ask questions, and I’ve been asking others, and I've been asking spirit, and I’ve been asking myself. I’ve always felt enraptured, deeply, easily in love with the world, which maybe sounds like, you know, woo-woo, but that is the truth. I have to confess it.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I see it.

Abigail:           But not of it. Not of it, somehow. And same with people. I mean, my God, so amazed and in love but not necessarily belonging. And you know what? That’s been both deeply painful and also all right, and shaped my whole journey and what I make in the world and how I love the world and how I express it. But also, I don’t know. I thought if anyone could help me with this particular dilemma, it might be you and the stars.

Jessica:            Honestly, when you started asking the question, I was like, "Oh. That is a big question." And then I looked at your chart, and I was like, "Oh, but it's written right there." So that is the good news. I'm going to prepare you for the way that you framed your question is as one question, but from my astrological perspective, it's two questions. One is, "What am I?" and a sense of belonging to yourself, and then the other one is about intimate relationships and a sense of how to show up for, connect with, and engage in those kinds of relationships.

                        They have different answers, or rather, they come from different parts of your birth chart. So you were born February 18th, 1983, at 2:48 a.m. in Middlebury, Vermont. Okay. There's a lot of things to say. Let's start with this. This might seem like a left-field thing for me to start with, but I am not a fan of aliens. And I know⁠—I warned you. It seems left field.

Abigail:           It's not my thing either.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. Okay. Good, because I know it's a very popular thing right now to be really like, "Please, aliens, take me from this godforsaken place." But I just feel like just because something is different and unknown doesn't mean it's bad, and it doesn't mean it's good. You know what I mean? So I'm just going to preface that⁠—what I'm about to say with, this, to me, is not at all about aliens or being alien in that little green man kind of way. Right?

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            That said, there are a number of things in your birth chart that can make you feel alien, different, like you're from a different time, you're from a different place, like you don't quite fit in. I don't see that as being a specifically alien thing, but it is all the other definitions of it. Does that resonate?

Abigail:           Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Abigail:           My whole question, I was like, "I'm not going to say I'm an alien, because I don't think I'm an alien⁠ [crosstalk]."

Jessica:            But. But. It's a big, fat but. So let me tell you all the parts of your chart that point to it. The first is you're an Aquarius. And again, let me get ahead of there are no such thing as cusps. Astrology is math. You are an Aquarius. 29 degrees and 12 minutes out of 30 degrees of Aquarius. So not only are you Aquarius⁠—and there's a reason why I'm going to guess that you've resonated with Pisces stuff. You have a lot of Pisces in your chart. We'll get there.

But you are an Aquarius at the anorectic degree, which is the strongest, most potent degree of Aquarius. And so feeling like, "Oh. I belong to the future. I'm not here. I'm going somewhere. I am able to process what's happening around me kind of quickly, but I'm processing it as separate from what's happening instead of a part of what's happening." Does that make sense?

Abigail:      Mm-hmm.

Jessica:      Yeah.

Abigail:      Yep. Just weeping. Yes.

Jessica:            Just go in there right away. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. That anorectic degree of Aquarius, straight out the gate, is really powerful. It's powerful in a way that works for you because in your birth chart, you have a Sun/Pluto trine, and it's a nice, tight trine. You've got Pluto at 29 degrees of Libra. This particular placement in your chart is something that even though you may feel like all the things that I just named, you find ways of making it work for you. You find ways of kind of being like, "Okay. So, if this is what I am, then what about it?" You kind of get into it, right?

                        The ruling planet of Aquarius, your Sun sign, is Uranus. And in your birth chart, you have a Uranus/Jupiter conjunction in the twelfth house. It is not conjunct the Ascendant, but it's close. And let me tell you what that means in English. What it means is you have a certain brand of optimism, and again, it is not very earthy. That is an understatement, so I laughed. It is the opposite of earthy. It's starseedy. You know?

It's really like there is this huge part of your inner resources⁠—and Jupiter functions really happily in the twelfth house. It's the place of your subconscious, your innermost psyche. Jupiter kind of lights that up. And then, when it's sitting there with Uranus, Uranus is lightning. Uranus is earthquakes. Uranus is stars. So, for you⁠—and do you want me to slow down? I'm happy to slow down. I'm happy to.

Abigail:           No. It's just everything is⁠—no. It's just hitting me over and over, and so I'm riding the wave of this. But bring it. It's beautiful.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Good. I mean, we'll get to the challenging part in just a hot second, because you know it's not all good, right? Because otherwise, you wouldn't have asked the question. If it was all perfect, you would be like, "Yeah, this is cool. Bye." But no. There's something complicated here in a minute. But I will say that this resource within you requires both connection with others⁠—and when I say others, I mean earth. I mean animal. I mean human animal. You know what I mean? I mean others.

                        And also, this part of you requires space to be in your own universe of your own making. You get these bolts of insight or bolts of inspiration or bolts of what may happen, like possible futures. And sometimes, the impulse that you have to share it is kind of like trying to remember a dream and describe it to someone. It kind of fucks with it. And so having an inner landscape where you both rejoice in it and are playful with it and also allow yourself the space you need to explore it before you turn it into a narrative and share it with other people is really important because if you rush to a narrative, you might find it's kind of like popping a beautiful balloon. It's like, "Well, now that's over." Yeah.

                        That said, you've got a stellium in Sagittarius. You've got Jupiter, Uranus, the Rise, and Neptune all in Sagittarius. So you're naturally optimistic, and also, your natural optimism can sometimes bring you to a really spiritual and existential confrontation with the limitations of being a person, of being in a body. Yeah. Yeah.

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. And you tell me if at any point you do want me to slow down, okay?

Abigail:           Okay. I will.

Jessica:            Okay. This thing about all the Sagittarius is not specific to feeling all the feelings that would bring you to asking, "What am I?" But in context of these other parts of your chart, it intensifies that inquiry because your imagination and your ability to connect⁠—again, I'm going to refer to starseed, in that starseed way⁠—can bring you in lots of directions all at once and can connect you to possibility⁠—good, bad, ugly, all of it⁠—in ways that are really tricky to communicate to people because it happens so fast. It's Sagittarius. It's the archer. It happens so fast.

                        When you slow down⁠—not when everyone does, but when you slow down and you really get into your emotions and you get into your body, that's when we touch on the only earth in your damn chart. Yes. I'm glad you laughed because you know it's coming.

Abigail:           It's extreme.

Jessica:            It is extreme, and it's⁠—for you, the only earth in your chart is you have the Moon and you have Chiron in Taurus, the slowest-moving earth sign. So everything in you is like, "Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. Everything's possible at any time in all directions." And then the earth in your chart is like, "Or nothing is, or you just have to sit in it."

Abigail:           Yes. [laughs] Oh my God. [crosstalk]

Jessica:            The contrast. I know. I know it's rude. It's rude. I know. It's rude.

Abigail:           I'm winded from that. Hold on.

Jessica:            Sorry. Yeah, we're taking the time.

Abigail:           Jesus.

Jessica:            I know.

Abigail:           Yes. That rings sort of true.

Jessica:            Yeah. A little. A little. And here's what happens. Here's what happens. And we haven't even gotten to the biggest part yet, but we're going to get there. What happens is you've got this Chiron in Taurus in the sixth house. And so, when you get into your body, you have that Chironic experience of, "Oh. This thing is born to break. Oh. Wait. This thing has pain." Yeah. Yeah. And it is, I will say for you, both a great struggle, but also, you have the capacity to sit with your pain and to step into what's possible within basically being in a meat suit, being in a physical body.

                        And it's not an easy move because what you also have in Taurus is the Moon at 1 degree⁠—we're going to get really into your Moon in a minute. But your Moon sits opposite to Saturn and Pluto. So you have this fucking Saturn/Pluto conjunction that people born in the year that you were⁠—do you consider yourself a millennial or a gen X?

Abigail:           I think I'm an elder millennial.

Jessica:            An elder millennial. So I'll tell you what my theory is. Because you have Pluto at 29 degrees of Libra, I would consider you the youngest gen X as opposed to the oldest millennial. That's just me. I'm Pluto driven with these delineations, so if you've got Pluto in Libra, gen X. But it's like when you're on the cusp of a generation, I mean, what do they call you, xennials? That works for me, too.

                        But having a Moon opposition to Saturn and Pluto⁠—Saturn/Pluto conjunction is literally the opposite of everything I've said about your Sagittarian and Aquarian nature. It's like survival is a risk. Survival is a struggle. Everything you do for stability is going to cost you. Everything that you really want to do to heal will disrupt your stability. It's this really intense conversation that Saturn and Pluto have.

And when they're opposite the Moon, as they are for you, you can experience bouts of depression, or some people can experience some sort of mania or⁠—I don't mean this in a clinical way. I just mean obsessively fixating on things that feel bad or really losing yourself to either victimy feelings or just sad and bad feelings. Does this happen for you?

Abigail:      Sure. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. This is hard for anyone, but because of all the Sadge in your chart⁠—and the other thing we haven't gotten to yet, which I'm about to⁠—it's like for you, all that Sadge/Aquarius is up on a cliff so close to the clouds you could practically touch them. And then the Saturn/Pluto opposite the Moon⁠—oh, it's at the bottom of a canyon. It's a steep drop. What a contrast. It's like, OMG, the contrast.

                        And that can really⁠—depending on the period of your life, depending on your nature, it can either really screw with your head, or it can mean that you always have a sense of resiliency. And for a lot of people, it's both. It's like⁠—

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           It feels like it's both the greatest gift to have those polarities, which I didn't know about but have felt forever, and the way that my body says, "Come back, and come back now, or else, missy." And the part of me that is sort of astral fights, fights, fights, and then, when I come home, it's the worst and the best thing. You know? It's just amazing to hear it so clearly delineated and validated. It makes me feel strangely less like a crazy person⁠—

Jessica:            Good.

Abigail:           ⁠—which is always a nice little lump of sugar. So thank you for that.

Jessica:            You're welcome. I'm a huge fan of sugar. I'm a huge fan of sugar. And I'll add to it you are a musician, and so much of your music is so political and so deep. And we can thank the Saturn/Pluto conjunction opposite the Moon.

Abigail:           That's right.

Jessica:            We can thank the depth. It's not just beauty and soul and empathy and being activated enough to care and to act on that care in whatever way is one's calling, one's skill set, one's circumstances, etc. We often want to look to Saturn and Pluto. We often want to look to these heavy hitters because without that, you may have a lot of imagination and a lot of inspiration and a lot of feeling but not know where to apply it. And a lot of astrologers would look at your birth chart and very rightly look at that Saturn/Pluto conjunction opposite your Moon and be like, "That's the hardest part of your chart." But I would say, some days, and some days it's your greatest resource; it's your greatest access point.

Abigail:           Yes, yes, yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. And that brings us to what I think is more of your tricky part. Okay. Here we do.

Abigail:           Dun-dun-dunn.

Jessica:            Exactly. Thank you. Okay. So this brings us to when you say, "I don't know what I am," the first thing I should have⁠—but I wanted to give real energy and space to these other points. The first thing I should have brought you to is Neptune in the first house. When people have Neptune in the first house, it means a number of things. It means that people think you're sweet. It doesn't matter if you're sitting there plotting revenge. People feel like you're sweet. Am I right about that? Yeah?

Abigail:           Yeah. Yes.

Jessica:            People think you're sweet. People will often project what they want to see onto you. This is⁠—

Abigail:           That one [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. That's⁠—

Abigail:           ⁠—bigger than sweet for me.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. It is a very big one. And the Neptune in the first house can often, if not always, lead to⁠—for the person who has it to feel like, "I don't know who I am," because you're so energetically porous. You're like a loofah sponge, so you're pulling in energies all around you all the time. And it's consistently influencing your own identity because so much of what happens in the first house of the birth chart is our identity.

                        And so Neptune in the first house is absolutely a placement that can make you feel like, "I just don't know where I belong. I don't know what I am. And when I'm around everyone wearing pink hats, I'm just a pink hat person. And when I'm around everyone wearing green hats, I just want to keep on wearing green hats." And it's not like a good or a bad thing, but it is an easy way to lose yourself.

                        And then⁠—and then⁠—we look to your beautiful Venus/Mars conjunction in Pisces in your third house, the house of communication, the house of friendships. And it forms a square to your Neptune in the first house. This feeling of being so permeable and so sensitive to other people, while at the same time being so different from them, so separate from them, not knowing how to connect with them because it's like, "To connect with somebody, I have to know where I begin and end, and I don't know where I begin and end. So what the hell do I do?" is really intense.

                        And an excellent outlet for it is art. It's music. It's creativity. There's no negative to it on the ethereal, on the creative, on the spiritual planes. On the interpersonal plane, it's really sensitive. Now, let me add another layer, which is that your birth chart⁠—you have the North Node in the seventh house in Cancer. The North Node in astrology is not a planet. So it's not about your personality. It's not about your nature or about the things that happen to you.

                        What it's about is your evolution as a soul in this life. It's what you're meant to move towards in an, again, evolutionary way. And in your chart, it's about being able to be really present as yourself in intimate relationships with other people. It's about⁠—I know. That was a stinkface.

Abigail:           No, thank you.

Jessica:            Yeah. Mm-hmm. I know. It's super annoying, and I apologize on behalf of the Universe. But that's it. And your Neptune, that Neptune that I named that is so much about being so porous and having people project onto you, but also, you kind of⁠—as a way of reflex, you suck in their energy, but also as a coping mechanism, because the best way to get people to like you and to get along is to kind of have a sense of, like, "If this person wants an ice cream sundae and I come up to them and I can kind of feel that they want an ice cream sundae, and I say, 'Hey, want to eat an ice cream sundae?' they're going to like me. We're going to have a nice time together. Everything is going to be easy because I'm on their wavelength."

It works. It really works. But of course, it has this kind of empty aftertaste for you a lot of the time because you're not being liked for you; you're being liked for your ability to see them, to get them. Does that resonate? Does that make sense?

Abigail:           Yeah. I mean, I feel like elements of it feel very resonatey for me earlier in my life, and some of it feels like forever me.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Abigail:           I mean, I feel like I've been moving through⁠—even in the last many years, away from being liked as a survival strategy. You know? I feel like I've been able to put some of that down. But it is the porousness and the taking on of other people's everything and having trouble⁠—there feels to me like there is also a big truth in that, in the being able to hold someone else's complexity. And the way I experience it is sort of being with someone else and being able to see them in a deep way and feel them in a deep way and love them in a deep way, but that then I go away and go, "Was I thirsty that whole time? Was I"⁠—

Jessica:            Right.

Abigail:           "Did I⁠—what was my⁠—did I remember my own name during that experience?" It doesn't feel⁠—I mean, it did when I was younger. It doesn't feel like a two-faced⁠—like I'm pretending to be something else. But it does feel like I'm connecting totally with what I would say⁠—I'm connecting with what I am loving and leaving behind what I embody naturally, my own⁠—

Jessica:            Okay. So this is so important because the same placement in a birth chart can operate on a bunch of different levels. And hopefully, over the course of our lives, it does, because as you said, when you're younger, it was more of a chameleon effect, and now it's more that you have a devotional way of loving. Those aren't your words, but that's kind of what I'm hearing, and it's also the classic⁠—

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It's the classic of this Venus in Pisces. Venus or Mars⁠—let alone Venus and Mars⁠—squaring Neptune gives you a deeply devotional way of loving. But when we get into being super devotional, we can lose ourselves. I mean, when people in cults⁠—they're generally called upon to be devotional to the cult leader. And so, for you, this way of being devotional is a reflex as opposed to an intention.

And that's where the danger lies, in losing direct connection and access to the self, because if you stay in direct connection and access to yourself in an earthy way, well, then it's going to be really slow. It's going to be really deep. It's going to be really heavy. And that's not how you always want to be. You've got so much Sadge in you. You're Aquarius. You want to keep it flowing, keep it moving.

And so this is where the practice of centering⁠—for somebody who's got so much fire in their chart, this is it for you. It's to really, in your hanging out and connecting with people, creating a practice of identifying where your center is and gently, in your own head⁠—the way I do it is very simple. I just say my full name, like all my names, out loud in my head three times. Just say it really firmly with the intention of bringing all of my energy back into my core⁠—this is like the center of the body⁠—as a way to bring your energy back to yourself.

And that might make you feel like, "Oh, now I feel awkward interacting with this person. Now things aren't flowing as well." That's the cost, right? That's the cost because when you flow with other people, often, it just takes you away from center. And that's not always bad. It's a good skill to have. But you want more agency and choice.

And for you, what this breaks down to because of your nodal placement is doing this as an act of self-love. That's really what it is. It's doing it as an act of self-love and understanding that acts of self-love don't take you away from your healthy relationships; they bring you closer to your healthy relationships. And having the North Node, as you do, in the seventh house indicates that in recent incarnations, you had to do you. And doing you was the primary objective. It was the primary objective; it's what you had to do in order to kind of be authentic and yourself.

And now there's a mixed messaging that you have around that, because there's a part of you that's like, "Well, if I'm centering and prioritizing myself, it doesn't take me completely away from people." And when it does take you away from people, it's not your truth. That's not it. It doesn't bring you closer to center. So it's about being able to be loving towards yourself and be present while being intimate and showing up with and for others when it's good, when it's terrible, when it's boring, all of it.

And I will say that I mentioned boring on purpose because all that fucking Sagittarius hates to be bored, like, hates to be bored. So that is a thing to consider. But, all of these things said, I want to just slow down and see, do you have any questions? Have we been speaking to the right stuff? Is there anything in particular that you want me to return to or anything else come up as a question?

Abigail:           Wow. I've just been crying and laughing and nodding so hard that I'm, like, dovening the whole time. It's really very intense. Yeah. I feel like you've touched on so many of the things that I feel. In this piece⁠—and it's actually felt like a massive work of my last few years of breaking some of my own unhealthy habits around my⁠—inside my relationships. And it feels heavier than that.

It feels like a long, long line of cycles and doing some really huge reevaluation around that and boundary work and things like this⁠—and then, also, this feeling in me of wanting to be⁠—I feel embarrassed to say this right now, but seeking⁠—like, the liberation part feels easy. Liberation feels delicious and feels right here and feels like, "Why can't we all just come on? We're almost there. Here we are. And we're here right now. Let's look around." You know?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           And then this other thing of needing to move slow even for myself⁠—that duality is such a complication and a beauty and, for sure, the teacher of my days, but difficult.

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Abigail:           I like to talk about art. I'm curious if that's around. And also, I thought about the body more. And just my body's been through a lot these last, sort of, ten years. But also, I'm just curious⁠—I feel like whatever you are seeing, I want to go there.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. So there's a couple things that come up. The theme of needing to slow down and having boundaries is super fucking up for you, and it's going to remain super fucking up for you for a number of years, as Pluto has started to square your Moon. It is currently squaring your Pluto. You're going through two out of the three midlife crisis transits. This is an xennial experience.

                        And the thing that I want to say about that is that your lessons are currently very much around being in that slowed-down state, being in your body, and tolerating and even developing a new relationship to the heavy bits because the optimism and the beauty⁠—I mean, everything you said about that stuff, Sagittarius. You got Mercury and the Sun in Aquarius. Bada-bing, bada-boom. You got Venus and Mars in Pisces. All of this is just, like, beauty, art, creativity, connection, the bigness, the wonder. That is your happy place. That is your comfort zone.

                        But Pluto is fucking with a different part of your chart. So I think, when you asked those questions, the strongest thing that kind of came up for me was actually around body because it's the thing. Bodies are weird, and they're wonderful, and they're scary, and they're sad and all the things. So I want to ask you, is there anything in particular happening with your body? Is there anything that's a health issue you're going through? Do you want to direct me a little bit there?

Abigail:           I'm in a better place than I've been. But I've had a lot of mysterious things, you know? Like multiyear looking and testing for migraine⁠—you know, seeing⁠—I see a lot of things, so seeing flashing lights and colors and stars and things that aren't there, but I don't experience them as hallucinations. So that hearing [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            Are they associated with migraines?

Abigail:           Sometimes they are associated with migraines because then I would get very⁠—get sick after they would come. This also happens that after I do a lot of my work⁠—I do a lot of, I guess, concerts, which are big moving of energy⁠—I try to tend to myself after. But I'm also a parent of small children, and⁠—

Jessica:            So you have nothing but free time, basically.

Abigail:           Right.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           But honestly, even before I did, my body might hurt. My back might go out. My gut might go for a while, things like this. So a feeling of delicious energetic movement, and then, when in the body, a feeling of total⁠—I don't know. Is "devastation" too hard a word?

Jessica:            No. No, it's not. No, no. It's not. And let's talk about it. So there's a couple things. The first is I'm assuming you've had your thyroid checked.

Abigail:           I don't know. I think so. I think I must have in my pregnancies. Yeah. I did in my pregnancy.

Jessica:            You did? And everything came out fine?

Abigail:           I think so. Well, now I feel like I better go get it checked again.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And is there thyroid conditions in your family?

Abigail:           A little. Yeah. My sister.

Jessica:            Yeah, because your thyroid, your metabolic system, looks like it could be a meaningful player in this. Now, I'm not a doctor, and you should never take medical advice from an astrologer, obviously. That's insane. I mean, I shouldn't say it's insane. I would just say that's not well advised. But taking this information to your doctor, getting your blood drawn, and be like, "Hey, my sister has a thyroid condition. I'd like to check my thyroid." A couple things could emerge from there.

                        Thyroid conditions are wonk-a-fonky. They have lots of ways that they can show up in the system. And also, there's ways of treating them. So it's definitely worth checking. The other thing I would say is that Western medicine might be like, "Oh, on a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 4, and we don't think you have a problem till a 5." Well, you can go and see a Chinese medicine doctor. You can go and see a different practitioner who is going to help you if your thyroid is at a 4. I'm obviously not using technical terms here, right? But you can treat the system even if you're not, by Western medicine standards, in disease. So that is one thing that I want to say when I look at your birth chart.

                        Now, the other thing is having healthy habits is really⁠—it is hard in your birth chart. Habits are not necessarily your strong suit. All that Uranusy, Sagittariusy, Aquariusy stuff, even the Neptune and the Pisces⁠—none of it really likes consistent habits. It wants to flow into things that feel right in the moment.

Abigail:           Well, I feel like what I've done, actually, is counteract so hard, and now I have super rigid habits.

Jessica:            Okay. Well, that's your Saturn/Pluto opposite your Moon. It goes to rigidity. It's like, "This is how it has to happen, and if it doesn't happen this way, everything falls apart." And it's a good overcorrection. In the realm of your nature, it's kind of like I could see why you'd be like, "I got no healthy habits," or, "I have the fucking steely healthy habits." Right?

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            It's either/or. The problem with that is that it comes out of scarcity and comes out of fear. And the whole rest of your nature is flow and abundance and possibility. And then the way you manage your meat suit is with an iron fucking fist.

Abigail:           Yes, Jessica.

Jessica:            And so it doesn't work.

Abigail:           How dare⁠—that's the truest freaking thing I've heard in a while. Yes.

Jessica:            I'm sorry. So, again, Pluto is fucking with your chart right now. So this, over the next several years, is what you're going to have the opportunity or need to engage with and unpack because what you are doing is really healthy for your survival mechanisms. It is a very effective survival mechanism move. But the problem is, when it comes to the maintenance and support of your body, we don't want to just survive. We want to provide life.

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. And that's not the motivation for the move, because the rest of your chart is like, "What is a body? Body is a fiction. Who cares?"

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           Exactly.

Jessica:            Of course. Of course. So here's the move. There's a number of things. The first is I want to talk about your tummy, okay? Do you eat meat?

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. I feel like that's pretty important for you, only because your system really craves iron and protein.

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            And it's very hard to get it⁠—it's not impossible, but it's very hard to get it⁠—on a vegan or vegetarian diet. I think those are superior ways ideologically of eating, but they're not always sustainable for life, right?

Abigail:           I got very sick as a vegan.

Jessica:            I'm not surprised. You have the chart of somebody who would be a vegan for a period of time because of⁠—

Abigail:           [laughs] Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, it's your Neptune stuff. But you would have to be incredibly disciplined and consistent in your eating. That's really hard for you, again, unless you're iron-fisting it. And here's the thing. Because of the way your chart is written, large meals are hard for your body to process.

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So eating⁠—

Abigail:           What? That's in my chart?

Jessica:            Yeah. It is. Large meals, especially when there's a lot of carbs or fried things, are really hard on your system. I'm imagining carbs are your comfort food scenario.

Abigail:           Sure.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           I don't know.

Jessica:            Yeah. You're like, "Only every day." So, for you, eating smaller meals frequently is actually a really good move. It looks like eating raw foods⁠—I'm talking about cold salads⁠—is tooty. It's a tooty move for you. It's hard for you to digest, right?

Abigail:           Uh-huh.

Jessica:            So, if you're eating cold things⁠—so we're talking about fruits and veggies that are not cooked⁠—I would do hot water with it or tea before the meal to kind of warm up your digestive system, which tends to run really cold. Warm it up so it doesn't have to do as much work while it's digesting whatever yummy nurturance you're giving yourself.

Abigail:           Yes. This is good advice.

Jessica:            Here's the other thing. I'm assuming you have checked with the migraines. Hormonal roots, I'm assuming. Is that true?

Abigail:           It is much more extreme when I am in my cycle or before my cycle. Yes.

Jessica:            If the migraines persist and you decide you need to find a better way of coping with it or you want to figure out the roots of it, I would ask your doctor or your doctors to consider, what are possible hormonal roots to this? Because there can be. And unfortunately, I feel like doctors of all genders have a hard time really going in on hormonal health, especially for women.

                        And so I would encourage you to look at it. There's a lot of indicators in your chart that speak to a hypersensitive hormonal system. Your physical system⁠—this is probably like Chinese medicine terms I'm speaking in, but it runs both cold and hot at the same time. It's just like, again, it gets steamy in there. It's almost like your body has a habit⁠—and this doesn't mean that there isn't something physiologically very real and material that needs to be treated on a physiological level, but your body has this habit of being like, "Hey, girl." Knocking on the door. "Hey, girl." Knocking on the door. "Hey, girl. Oh, you're not listening? I will drag you down to my level." And it just goes very dramatic very quick.

                        And often, because you're not paying attention to that gentle rapping of the body⁠—and I mean rapping like rapping on the door⁠—it feels like it's coming out of nowhere because you didn't really⁠—you're like, "Yeah, I kind of had a twinge. Yeah, I kind of had a weird thing in my vision. I'm busy." And then, all of a sudden, it's like, "I'm being murdered by my headache."

                        And so these are things that I would simply say, the more present you practice being with your body, the more information you have. And the more information you have, you can then say to yourself, "Oh, I noticed the last three migraines I had, I had this weird little twinge in my jaw, weirdly, unrelatedly. And then, within an hour, I had a migraine." So, in that case, you can put yourself in preventative measures in that, after the jaw twingle or whatever it is that happens.

                        There are a number of things in your chart that speak to health issues, as there are with everybody's chart because everybody has a body, and bodies are just unreliable. You know how they are. But the more that you can practice being really kind to yours in the 3D, like in the here and now in that very Taurean way of⁠—sense-based way, that's all the better for you.

                        And I would add to that that you're somebody who is sensitive to herbs. You're somebody who is sensitive to the subtleties. And so you don't always need a hammer to treat an ailment. A lot of times, you should start with a feather and see how that works, and then build⁠—there's a lot of space between a feather and a hammer⁠—and build in your treatment plan from there, if you have the right kind of medical support.

Abigail:           Yeah. And it's about, for me, learning how to be in tune with those subtle signals, because I feel like I feel everything all the time, without making me run from the body when I feel them⁠—like feeling in my sensitivity but not my skittishness.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           You know? [crosstalk]

Jessica:            Yeah. That's really real. Hey. Do me a favor. Say your full name out loud for me.

Abigail:           Abigail [redacted].

Jessica:            Okay. So this is classic empath problems. Okay. Here we go. So you do. You feel everything all at once, all the time. And also, some of what you're feeling is you. Some of what you're feeling is in your body. Some of what you're feeling is in your psyche or your spirit. Being able to determine the difference between what's mine, what's yours, what's collective terror around fires everywhere, etc., is a skill. And it's a skill that is within your nature to cultivate. And it is an act of self-love⁠—also responsibility⁠—to be able to know yourself well enough to know what is a common felt experience for you but not yours.

Abigail:           Say that. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And we'll just let that settle in because what happens for you⁠—and I think you're not alone; this is a very⁠—for those of us who are empaths is we feel all the things, and then we assume that all that anxiety that you experience⁠—of course it's yours. You've been experiencing it for most of your life. But that doesn't actually necessarily mean it is. It might mean that you resonate with it, and it's so similar to your anxiety that you're now identified with it.

                        When dealing with this stuff, I think it's really important to have a very grounded, very pragmatic sense of responsibility because we don't want to be like, "That's not me. I don't have to deal with that." We want to protect our mental health within this. We want to stay responsible to ourselves, to other people, all that kind of stuff. So the only thing that you really need to focus on with this is the identifying what you feel, being able to be like, "Okay. I know that this is my feeling right now." Do you tend to feel a lot of energy in your feet?

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay. Great, because I was like, "Okay. Let me find something that's activated right now." I'm feeling your feet. It looks like you tend to feel a lot of energy there. So that might be a way for you to kind of organize with your guides or with your spirit, "Okay. Give me a feeling at the bottom of my feet when it's time for me to get grounded and to reconnect with my body so I can assess what's mine; I can feel what's mine, the good, the bad, the ugly." No story needed. No action needed. No fix needed. Nothing is needed other than identifying what is.

And from this foundation of self-awareness, that doesn't mean you're not going to feel other people's fucking feelings. It doesn't mean you're not going to feel collective stuff. But what it means is that your ability to hold it differently emerges because you're like, "Oh, I'm feeling things, and they're not quite me, and I don't quite know where they're coming from. But I know that I'm feeling things, and it's not my feelings." And that empowers you to be able to say, "Okay. Do I need boundaries with these things? Do I need to look at what's happening in the world and google it? Do I need to check on my friend because I just have a feeling my friend's suffering today?"

You can kind of start to make that decision or say, "I had a migraine yesterday. I got children. I got a full day scheduled, and I need to set up good, strong energy boundaries and deal with other people's or other issues' energy on a different day." You are allowed to say, "Not today"⁠—and not, "Not today, Satan." I think that's a funny expression. I think we should use it a lot. But it's not a rejection.

And this is where we come back to that Pisces/Neptune stuff, is this devotional form of love, is if I'm having a hard day and you intuitively can feel it⁠—I haven't even called you, but you're my friend and you can intuitively feel it⁠. There's this devotional part of you that feels like, "Well, it's my responsibility to, in solidarity, feel your pain or to reach out to you and give you what I got, even if I am empty."

Abigail:      Yes.

Jessica:            And I would say the thing to really⁠—right? Yeah. It's a challenge. It's a challenge because that is what feels like love to you. The truth is letting yourself⁠—centered enough within yourself that you can show up for me if you choose to, when you're ready, when you can show up, is far better than you showing up for me and then me draining all your damn energy because you had nothing to give anyways; you were too tired. You know what I mean? You had your own shit going on. And then you don't have any energy for anyone else. This is what happens.

                        It's really important⁠, as cheesy as this is, you put the air mask on yourself before the kid before the flight goes down. That is⁠—it's an expression for a reason. And for those of us who have empathetic nature, we really have to learn that. And a form of devotional love is being able to say on a soul level, on a spiritual level, "Hey, friend. I can feel your pain today," or, "Hey, collective, I feel the pain today. I'm going to ask my guides to set love and light up, just to ask them to please carry that burden. I have shit I have to do today. I'm going to return to it when I can." And maybe I can't for a week and a half. Maybe I can't for month. Life is like that.

                        But giving yourself permission to sometimes work on the spiritual level, I think, can be really helpful because otherwise, there's this risk that you just drain yourself, just drain yourself. And then, when you do that, your body becomes a lot more vulnerable because you're running on empty. And now all your physiological stuff starts to get more activated because it's your system's only way of getting you to stop it and to listen and to be present with yourself. So it's your body's way of getting attention, just like a toddler only knows how to scream.

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And because⁠—I'm assuming you write the music that you sing, eh?

Abigail:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            I'm seeing this may be a really good exercise for you. Whether or not it's something you would actually sing is not the point, but as a journaling exercise, to write songs to your parts from that central part of you, that part of you that wants to show up for others but doesn't always know how to do that in a balanced way with showing up for yourself. Write songs to these parts of you. Write songs as different parts of you as a way to get more present because that's your most easeful, joyful way in, which will make it more authentic for you because your nature is you want to lead with that.

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So that might really help. And it's not going to magically fix anything, but it is going to meaningfully help you to be aware of when your parts start to distract or abandon self or whatever. Does this make sense?

Abigail:           Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yes, it does deeply.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. You're partnered, right? Are you married or partnered?

Abigail:           Yes. I'm married and partnered.

Jessica:            Married. Congratulations. And is this a relationship that you do experience a sense of belonging in, or is it sometimes yes, sometimes no?

Abigail:           No, I do. Yeah.

Jessica:            You do? That's what it looks like. That's what it looks like. This was just kind of coming up on the side, is that you have a model in this relationship of how you can both be there for someone and also not obsessively tend to them.

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            And you still have a devotional way of loving him, and you still have intimacy and communion with each other.

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            But it's not⁠—I mean, for sure, sometimes it's at your own expense because you're parents and because this is life. But it's not the same pattern that we've been talking about.

Abigail:           No, it's really not.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Abigail:           It's really beautiful in there.

Jessica:            It is. And also, what I want to point out⁠—and the reason why this is coming up for me is you have the skill. It's not about him. I mean, it is, obviously, but also, you have the skill. There is this part of you that, when in other relationships, you're like, "I don't even know. This is so overwhelming. This is so confusing. I don't know what to do." That's true. But also, it's not completely true. You already know how to do this. You know what I mean?

Abigail:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that can be really reassuring when you feel like, "I don't know where to begin," because you kind of do.

Abigail:           Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And it's nice to know. This is where you want to kind of insert that teach your friend, the part of you that knows how to give him space to be uncomfortable. You give him space to have a bad day. You give him space to do those things. And you don't rush in to fill that space when you know he's suffering, because part of loving someone is letting them suffer. And part of loving yourself is knowing what you can and cannot do.

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            So those are things for you to play with. I will leave you with this final bit of advice, which is⁠—do you floss?

Abigail:           Yes, three times a day no matter what.

Jessica:            Excellent. Yes. Okay. This is what I want to hear. And how are your gums? Do you have gum issues?

Abigail:           I do have a little bit of gum issues.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And do you clench or are you a grinder?

Abigail:           I don't usually grind, but I certainly can clench. And with singing, it's been a [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            Oh yeah. That makes sense.

Abigail:           And there's just a lot of musculature at work a lot of the day.

Jessica:            So I would say a couple things. One is⁠—I don't know. I mean, I don't know what the way to do it is. Is it getting craniosacral work? Is it creating a gua sha routine? Both? I don't know. There's a lot of things to do to support your jaw. I would encourage you⁠—because she works so hard, we want to support her. The other thing is gum issues show up in your chart, so I'm not shocked that even though you floss religiously three times a day, you still have some shit there, right? Clenching and grinding can be really rough on our gums. So, if you have access to getting a Nightguard, that'll really help your gums long term.

Abigail:           Okay.

Jessica:            Yep. The thing I would say for you is ounce of prevention, pound of cure, when it comes to your gums.

Abigail:           Okay.

Jessica:            Once a quarter, go to the dentist. Get that cleaning. Just have them stay really on top of it. It's genetic, the gum stuff. I imagine that in your family, people have had stuff with their gums.

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Some of this is just the way our mouth is, and that's what that is. But it's definitely worth being careful about because I've had periodontal work done. I don't know if you have. It's awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Abigail:           Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah. I don't have any enemies, but⁠—

Abigail:           I am so grateful. And I was going to say I never would have dreamed that this is what I would talk about with you, Ms. Jessica.

Jessica:            Oh, you know, I will say⁠—

Abigail:           You're taking care of me.

Jessica:            I'm trying. I'm trying, and you're taking care of you. So much of what I think has come up is, how do you belong to yourself? And part of that is caring for yourself, right?

Abigail:           Yes.

Jessica:            And that includes the body in a big way. So yeah. Yeah. And also the Pluto transits you're going through, they might really stimulate your hormones and also may stimulate your digestive stuff. You would have already noticed this. If this is going to happen, it's in the last six months. I don't know if you've noticed sensitivities in either or both.

Abigail:           Oh yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Abigail:           Oh yeah, baby. Uh-huh.

Jessica:            Okay. So that's it. That's why. It's these transits. And it's simply a call to listen to the body, respond to the body, support the body, not to be scared. We're taking the iron fist. We're putting it down. It's a practice. But that's really the move. So yeah. So that's your reading, my beautiful friend.

Abigail:           Yay. Thank you. I love my reading.

Jessica:            Yay. Oh, that makes me so happy. I'm so glad we got to do this.

Abigail:           I'm so grateful to you.

Jessica:            Thank you.

Abigail:           What a romp.

Jessica:            What a romp.

Abigail:           What a joyful⁠—I laughed. I cried. I almost fainted.

Jessica:            I'm so glad you didn't faint, because that would have been a first, and it would have made me very worried. So, yay, it didn't happen.

Abigail:           You're a wonder, and I'm grateful for you.

Jessica:            You are, too.