Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:      Welcome to the podcast. Tell me what you want a reading about today.

Guest:              Thank you, Jessica. I'm going to read the question that I submitted, and it goes, "I heard you say that one's gender is not written into their chart, but I'm hoping there might be some useful information to help those of us confused by gender to get a little closer to understanding ourselves with the stars as a guide. Currently, the gender identity term that resonates the most with me is Genderqueer. But recently, I've been trying on how Nonbinary feels, though I wonder if I might be Agender or maybe Gender-Nonconforming. I just don't know. It stresses me out more days than others.

                        "I started to really examine gender about five years ago and started using she/they pronouns around then. Previously, it was just 'she,' and I added 'they.' And recently, I have been flipping it to they/she in public spaces or as I meet new people. I'm considering dropping 'she' but feel unsure about that for several reasons. Thank you for any tips you can provide so I can better lean into the wisdom of my chart and help me figure myself out."

Jessica:            Oh, it is my pleasure in advance. Okay. And you were born February 28th, 1986, 9:50 a.m. in Mexico City, Mexico.

Guest:              Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So you said that there were⁠—for reasons. Right? What are the reasons?

Guest:              Yeah. I've been reflecting recently about how uncomfortable it can feel to present with they/them pronouns only. I feel like I'm setting myself up to be misgendered if I only stick to they/them because I recognize that I read female, and there's a lot about my gender expression currently that makes people read me female. So I don't want to get into it with people I don't know, so I'm just kind of allowing them⁠—like, "I recognize this is probably how you see me." There's a lot of aspects about femininity that resonate with me, so I don't mind it. But I'm trying to understand what my relationship to masculinity or the combination of the energies⁠—I don't know.

Jessica:            Yeah. And does this impact your sexuality in any way? Is it something that comes up in your sexuality in any way? Or is this really just your gender?

Guest:              That's a great question because in terms of my sexuality, I identify as pan, Pansexual, and experience attraction to a very wide variety of gender presentations. And I have experience with a wide variety of folks from various genders. And so it's hard for me to say.

Jessica:            Okay. And I guess I have one more question here, which is, is the world that you live in, your social communities⁠—is it especially Queer?

Guest:              My close friends, I would say, are primarily Queer and BIPOC. And I'm not openly Queer with my biological family, and so that influences a lot what I am in family spaces. But at home, at work, and in any other space that my family isn't, I am very open about my Queerness.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Great. Yeah. And hopefully it makes sense why I'm asking all these questions, to try to kind of get to know the landscape of your life, because while⁠ the thing that you referenced that I said⁠—I do not believe that we can look at a person's chart with no information and be like, "This is a dude's chart. This is a lady's chart," specifically, like girl/boy. It is really hard to do that. That said, being able to see within the birth chart one's experience around gender, around gendered issues, is possible to see.

So what I do not believe we can see is, "Was this person AFAB or AMAB?" which terms means assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth. That we really cannot see. But your chart has so much complexity around identity and self-ownership, which is, again, part of why I asked about your community stuff, a sense of belonging within yourself that is expressed and experienced interpersonally but is really ultimately, at its core, about feeling at home in your own self, and then also around Venus and around Mars, which are two gendered planets. One's the woman symbol; one's the man symbol.

So there's a lot of components to consider. But as I was prepping for our reading, I was like, "Should I ask you this question?" which I think is maybe kind of a sticky question, but why does it matter?

Guest:              Yes. I've been reflecting on this recently, and I was talking to a friend about trying to understand the importance of womanhood or manhood. Something that was coming to me was that they feel kind of like clubs that you are put into, forced into, opt into in different ways. And often, I don't feel, especially recently, like I want to be part of that club because of⁠—especially considering certain racial dynamics in different spaces.

And so I want to know how I can vocalize that to others in a way that I can find spaces, or create spaces if they don't exist, where I feel that I really do belong and that others are invited into that with me. But it does seem like there needs to be some definition about why, and that's what I'm trying to get a better handle on.

Jessica:            Okay. Let me tell you why I asked that question, because honestly, I think that question could be kind of problematic. "Why does it matter?" I think is a little bit of a problematic question, but there's a reason why I ask. And it's because of your birth chart, and it's because of what's happening now. Let me explain. I'm going to start with your Node, your North Node. And what it references is what your soul is journeying towards embodiment of. That's what the North Node is.

                        And in your birth chart, you've got the North Node in Taurus, and it's conjunct the Ascendant from the twelfth house. And so a huge part of your evolutionary path is to identify what you value⁠—Taurus⁠—what is actually important to you around your identity⁠—Ascendant. And this has to come from deep in your psyche, twelfth house. It's coming from the twelfth house hugging that Ascendant. And you are, right now⁠—will you do the math for me, even though I know your year of birth? How old are you?

Guest:              37.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. And you know I have a thing: I don't like to fixate on the Nodes pre-40. But I feel like this is really, really essential for this topic with you because a big part of what your Node says⁠—and I'm going to get into your birth chart, of course, in a moment. But what your North Node says is having self-ownership over your identity is a reflection of you being in alignment with you, and it's an acceptance and embrace. And people who have the North Node in Taurus often really struggle and seek to identify themselves with various religions or institutions or isms as a way to find the self. It can be quite a tricky Nodal placement in that way.

                        And again, this is part of why I asked you all these kind of locating questions around your various identities and how they show up in the world because giving yourself free reign to say to yourself, "This is who I am in the now, and that's enough because I know what I am in this moment"⁠—it may be the answer to that is, "I have some various pieces of knowledge about what I am in this moment. I have more clarity about what I'm not, and that's also okay." Having ambiguity or uncertainty or being kind of in a process with yourself is okay.

                        And I want to just start with that, because the North Node is not a personality point, and a lot of people will talk about their North or South Node as personality points. And they are not. They're evolutionary points. So this is like the winding path that your soul is taking in this lifetime towards embodiment. So I wanted to start with that because there's a lot of other things to say, but I feel like that's a really important piece to be able to identify and keep in your viewfinder. So, first of all, does that make sense? Do you have any questions about that?

Guest:              Nope. That makes sense.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Okay. You have a stellium in Pisces. Let's start there. You got the Sun. You got Jupiter. You've got Venus. You've got Mercury⁠—all in Pisces. And so, straight out the gate, Pisces is not about binaries at all. Pisces is about the space in between. Within that, you named Nonbinary, Genderqueer, Agender. Did I miss one? I feel like I missed one.

Guest:              Gender-Nonconforming.

Jessica:            Gender-Nonconforming. Right. And honestly, all of those feel right. None of them feel wrong. And also, here's the problem with all this Pisces, is the reason why none of them are a perfect yes⁠—in this moment, anyways⁠—is because they're things. They're like clubs. They're clubs, to use your word. And boy club and girl club⁠—those are very big clubs. There's way more rules to being a part of those clubs.

They're all clubs. And all of that Pisces in your chart is like, "I don't know if I belong in this club. I don't know if I want to be a part of this club."

Guest:              So, because a lot of them are in the eleventh house, which I understand to be about community building, it feels necessary to have some identification in a club. So I'm curious how that layer⁠—

Jessica:            It's a great question. So a couple things. First is the eleventh house literally governs clubs. I mean, the language you used is very on point. I don't think having a bunch of planets in the eleventh house inherently means you need to become a part of clubs, like at all. I don't think so. I think what it means is a lot of different things, but in the context of your question, it's that you seek meaning, identity⁠—so meaning/Venus, identity/the Sun, connection and life and world-expanding Jupiter⁠—through being connected to community.

                        But that doesn't mean that you have to wear⁠—what is it that Cub Scouts wear? They wear patches, right, that are like, "I know how to make a fire. I know how to da-da-da." You don't need to wear the patch of any of the clubs that you belong to. You may find that every time you try to put on one of those patches, you're like, "This was a yes until I started to sew it onto my shirt, and now it's a no."

Guest:              Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica:            I find, also⁠—you know, I mean, Pansexual, that is like the perfect embodiment of, "Try to pin me down. Go ahead. You can't do it." It is encompassing of all genders, all sexualities, all things; is it not? I mean, do you feel that way?

Guest:              That's my understanding of it.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Again, very Pisces stellium of you. Well played. I want to say that you are allowed⁠—and it may be your truth all the time or at times in your life. You are allowed to be able to fit into multiple boxes. You are allowed to collect badges from lots of clubs and not sew them onto your chest. That's actually one of your options around your gender. The reason why you don't like this⁠—because you didn't say you didn't like this, but am I clocking that correctly?

Guest:              It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I⁠—

Jessica:            Sure.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Sure. Let's explore why, because if you just had four planets in Pisces and that was your whole chart, we'd be bada-bing, bada-boom. And some people may be like, "Taurus Rising⁠—stubborn." Sure. But that's actually not it. I actually really don't think it's your Taurus Rising. You have a Moon/Pluto conjunction in Scorpio. You want there to be a truth, and you want it to be⁠—Pluto gets very all or nothing, black or white, in or out.

                        That part of you—it's your Moon. It's your survival mechanisms. So there's this part of you that feels like, "The reason why I need to identify with a particular club," as you're calling it, "is because there's safety in numbers. I'll be protected by the club. Some of it is because I can hide in the club." Pluto/Moon conjunction in Scorpio? Yeah, you want to hide in plain sight. That's kind of a good move for Scorpio stuff. In the eighth house, the house of Scorpio, you've got Saturn and Mars and Uranus, the most dig-in-your-heels, explosive, defensive planets in the zodiac, all in Sagittarius, all sitting on top of each other in the damn eighth house.

                        So, when I say to your Pisces parts, "You don't have to sew the badge onto your chest. You get to be a part of lots of clubs"⁠—Saturn conjunct Mars conjunct Uranus, in any sign in any house, but certainly in the eighth house and in Sagittarius, is like, "No. No. We pick a lane. We stick to the lane." And then the Moon agrees emphatically. The Moon/Pluto conjunction agrees emphatically.

                        What I am speaking to is, in some ways, actually a reflection of your gender itself. There is a part of you⁠—it's all Pisces, and there's Venus there, and it's super dandy. Dandies were kind of like gentlemen that were very fashion conscious. It's very feminine. A lot of guys who twirl their mustaches and wear really fancy clothes will call themselves dandies.

Guest:              Oh, that really resonates.

Jessica:            All that Venus stuff is super dandy-ish. And we haven't gotten to your Mars. Your Mars. Your Mars sits between Saturn⁠—rules, pick one lane, stick in one lane forever⁠—and Uranus⁠—pick all the lanes; don't let anyone tell you what you need to be. Your Mars is completely not comfortable with one identity, but it needs to kind of prove itself. It needs to emphatically enforce something.

                        And so, while all that Pisces stuff is a dandy, your Mars⁠—uh-uh. It wants to pick a side. It wants to belong to a club, and then it wants to run the club. And it's just like a really big issue for you because your Mars is emphatic, and that Pisces stuff is responsive. It's a water sign. Water is reflective. This is fire. You have Mars in fire. It's just like, "I'm going to pick a fucking lane. I'm going to do it, and if you don't like it, I'm going to burn the house down." That's kind of that vibe.

                        And so, in regards to this other really big part of your nature, you have Uranus square to Venus, which is just Genderqueer. It's just Genderqueer. You know what I mean? And I have met lots of cis and straight people who have Venus/Uranus squares, and there's other ways that this can be expressed and experienced. But for a lot of us, it queerifies the gender⁠—and sometimes the sexuality, but certainly the gender.

                        Within that, as an astrologer, I can say your gender is likely to be a journey. And at your age, you've probably already experienced this. Uranus doesn't give you the same thing forever. Saturn does, but you don't have Saturn aspecting your Venus. You have Uranus aspecting your Venus. You do have Saturn aspecting your Mars. So, again, we'll get to that in a second. But Uranus squaring Venus means there is an element here of being on a journey with your gender as part of being just your gender truth.

Guest:              In terms of developing a gender identity, it seems like⁠—I think part of what my grief is is that I wasn't given that opportunity as a young person to really explore. And so a part of me feels behind. But it's a journey, so I guess what I'm thinking is that I am on that journey, and I have been in different ways in my youth, but just in ways that didn't have space to breathe. And so, now that it's having that space to breathe and because there's not a lot of⁠—I think there's more supports now, but we're still piecing together how to understand this. I don't know. I guess I had a question about gender and youth and that gender development journey and where I'm at now and kind of what's coming.

Jessica:            Let's talk about Saturn because you're talking about being a late bloomer or feeling like you weren't given space. And I will say, other than the youngest millennials and gen Z, no one has been given space in much of the world, for most of time, to really explore their gender, to be fair. Let me just say the internet is a gift in many ways, and it has allowed many of us to explore parts of our nature, including gender and sexuality. But this is very new.

                        You have Saturn square the Sun, and also Jupiter. But Saturn square the Sun indicates late bloomer. So would I expect you to have done all of your best self-discovery in your 20s like, maybe, a lot of your peers? No, absolutely not. Welcome to being a child of Saturn. It happens in your 30s. You are right on time. You are right on time.

                        Saturn square the Sun tends to make it so that there is greater conservatism in youth because you're trying to be good. You're trying to be approved of. You're trying to not attract the wrong kind of attention. And this is a whole other conversation, but in your family and in your childhood, attracting the wrong kind of attention was really, really, really not a good idea.

So you did what you knew how to do best, which was to parent yourself in the best way you know how, to provide for yourself in the best way you know how, because you weren't having that kind of stuff taken care of, it looks like. Am I seeing this correctly?

Guest:        Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so you did what was right. And now you have provided for yourself in such a way that you get to explore these things, and you get to find your truth. And I wouldn't say you're behind the times. I would only say that this is your time and that what you did in your 20s and your teens is what needed to be fucking done. And comparing your journey to somebody else's⁠—I mean, that's a long walk on a short pier. There's no value in it. You know what I mean?

                        I will say that grief⁠—it's an emotion that is very intimate for you. And again, we can talk about your childhood and your ancestral stuff with that, but we won't in today's conversation. You have a Moon in Scorpio conjunct Pluto, and then you have a little mini stellium in the eighth house. Grief is something you know intimately, and your capacity to feel it is really deep.

And I want to kind of acknowledge that and hold space for that, but I want to point you away from needing to assign blame, or even meaning, to it all the time because sometimes what happens is you discover a part of yourself, and then you experience grief with that discovery. Some of that grief is yours, and I would say some of it is ancestral. Some of it is just the grief of being the one that can be true to yourself.

And when somebody has a ton of Capricorn in their chart with personal planets in Capricorn in their birth chart, or when somebody has hard aspects from Saturn to the Sun or Moon, you tend to be like a fine wine. You get younger with age. I'm sure you've noticed that, that you are freer and younger in your 30s than you were in your 20s, eh?

Guest:              I think in some ways. I lived in New York City for about two years in my 20s, and I think of those as the best years of my life because I could be⁠—I was away from my family. I could explore myself. I was around so much art and culture. I became, really, much more grounded in my political identity. But that was kind of cut⁠—I was going to say cut short, but I left the party, what was good, to have my son. We moved to Chicago with his dad. My son's nine now, and so much of my energy has gone into transitions and parenting. So I kind of stopped⁠—exploring gender through the context of being a parent, too, has been⁠—

Jessica:            That's a massive element that I wasn't aware of. Okay. Do you identify as mother?

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. There is so much put onto mother around gender. I mean, that's a very, very important detail. Thank you for sharing it. It's good that you shared it. And how old is your child?

Guest:              Nine.

Jessica:            Okay. So you finally have the space where⁠—I feel like after your kid's in school and kind of a lot more independent, there's space for you to have your own identity a lot more, eh?

Guest:              I think⁠—yes. I think it's⁠—him growing and also separating from his dad and exploring relationships and myself in other ways has helped a lot as well.

Jessica:            And how long have you guys been separated?

Guest:              We separated when our son was almost four, so it's been about five years. And I currently have a partner that lives with me as well.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Great. And is your partnership a part of this question at all? It sounds like it's not, but⁠—

Guest:              I don't think so, mostly because my partner identifies as a man but is very, very, very, very open and asks questions and is curious about my journey. And so I feel seen by him. And so, I think because of that, the partnership doesn't feel like a barrier.

Jessica:            Great. That's great. It sounds like it's a support.

Guest:              Mm-hmm. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. That's wonderful. Wonderful. Thank you for sharing that. Okay. Let me just ground something here. It is within your birth chart that you do want to pick a club and that picking a club feels wrong and limiting. And to a certain extent, that's your nature. And to a certain extent, that's just where you're at. They're both true because the motivations of these different parts of your nature are worth acknowledging.

                        The motivation of that eighth-house Uranus/Mars/Saturn conjunction⁠—that motivation is in finding security and safety and kind of putting a stake⁠—that part of you wants to, like⁠—you're like, "This is what I am, and I'm really acknowledging it." Your Moon/Pluto conjunction⁠—its motivation is safety. It's safety in a dangerous world. And then your Pisces stellium⁠—its motive is finding the place that is the most authentic and true and that feels good, not just safe, but feels good.

                        So there's these different parts of your nature that have really different motivations. And I think it's, for your journey, worth kind of exploring what feels right to you on these three levels by acknowledging these three parts of your chart because the way that your birth chart is written, it's in clusters. It's all clustery right there. So acknowledging these kind of centralized parts of your nature will help you to speak to and to acknowledge some parts of you are simply uncomfortable with picking a label, and other parts of you have a reason that they want a label even if they are also not comfortable with picking a label.

                        You found the term "Pansexual," and the term "Pansexual" really just means, "I choose no side. I choose all sides. I choose no club. I am a member of each and every club." Right?

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            I don't know. I mean, I think that all of these terms that you're kind of sitting with⁠—Agender, Genderqueer, Nonbinary⁠—to me, they all feel like the gender version of Pansexual. They all feel really⁠—maybe not Asexual as much, but they feel really fluid and encompassing. What are the differences between these identities for you?

Guest:              I think that the difference⁠—so I don't identify as Trans, but I'm trying to understand what it means to have been assigned female at birth, to be read female, and to not feel like part of the woman thing. And so the Gender-Nonconforming and Nonbinary feel like there is an opening there for me to be like, "Okay. This is the space that I⁠"—or the Genderqueer, which is kind of what I've been⁠—which feels very, very open.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Guest:              I also⁠—I wonder how other folks who are Trans would see my experience and be like, "Okay. You don't belong in these spaces," or, "Your experience is different from"⁠—you know? And what does it mean? Like in the future, would I be Trans? I don't think I'm going in that direction, but I'm also hearing in conversation an expansion of what Transness is. And so I think, on the surface, it seems like that would be a label that would align with not fully aligning with the sex assigned to me at birth. But that feels confusing, also, and how to navigate those spaces and relationships even among Queer people.

Jessica:            Yeah. Straight out the gate, I want to kind of acknowledge that when I asked you this question about these different labels or identities and how they do or don't resonate with you, what you started to talk about was how Trans-identifying people would feel about your identity. So, straight out the gate, you've lost alignment. Before you've even answered the question, before you've given yourself permission to find yourself, you started to think about how other people who have clarity about their identity would feel about your identity and whether or not you have the right to identify in a variety of ways.

                        And while from an intellectual, social, and a political perspective⁠—from all those layers, that's a really important point of evaluation, it's the wrong time to address that, because how can you find alignment with self if you're considering alignment with self from the perspective of other people who you don't know and are not you? What comes up around that?

Guest:              Gender feels very social. It has to do with social roles. It has to do with how others⁠—so much of gender identity, to me, is how I'm treated in spaces. And it's hard for me to tease apart, "Well, what is really true for myself?" if I'm constantly thinking of myself in relation to others.

Jessica:            What you're saying is correct. I agree with you 100 percent. Gender is social. So is race. So is class. So is ability and a bazillion things, right? But what you're trying to do is skip over the alignment-with-self piece to go to the social piece. And unfortunately, there's no astrology that will make that okay for you. There's no way that we can figure out what is right for ourselves as individuals⁠—what is our truth⁠—through social constructs.

                        I fear that part of what's happening here is that you're intellectualizing something that is not intellectual at all. And not that there isn't a way in which that is important, essential thinking. It is. But it's like step 2 or 3. It's not step 1. The reason why you're not finding your truth is because you're skipping the first and most foundational step, which is self-inquiry, not analytic self-inquiry, but emotional self-inquiry, which you clearly have been able to assess for yourself around your sexuality, right?

Regardless of what somebody else who identifies as Pansexual may think or feel about that identity or what somebody who's Bisexual or Gay or Queer or whatever other sexual identities⁠—you've found a way to have ownership with Pansexual because, well, I asked you about it, and you were really clear. You were just really clear. "This is who I am, based on my feelings and my experiences. This is who I am."

And I did not hear from you, when you referenced your Pansexuality, that that means that you would at some point⁠—maybe you'd evolve. Maybe you would end up feeling more straight or more Gay or more this or more that. It wasn't a destination where you're not allowed to move or evolve from that destination. It's your identity based on how you feel. Am I clocking that?

Guest:        Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            But you haven't given yourself permission to do that with your gender. And I would say that gender is not more relational than sexuality. And we've uncovered, I think, the reason why you don't have the answer. It's not because the answer is out of your jurisdiction. It's because you're giving too much power to your imagined thoughts and feelings of strangers⁠—and maybe some community members and friends, but mainly strangers.

So it's a lot of projection, and it's kind of foundationally an abandonment of self. And when we foundationally abandon ourselves on our quest to find ourselves, you can see how that ends up perpetuating a lot of confusion and anxiety, and it doesn't bring us closer to the answer.

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Guest:              I think a big part of my challenge, too, is in showing up authentically in all spaces. And right now, I don't have a clear plan or path in showing up in my full Queerness with my family, my biological family. And they're such a big part of my support system. And I guess the question I have is whether that's important in the journey to stumble through explaining to them what this means or what my experience is and asking for them to expand their view of gender, which feels really hard to imagine, but maybe trying to imagine that being a possibility.

                        And so part of me⁠—because I can't see that, I say, "Well, I don't need their validation, and I can [indiscernible 00:34:10] with them, and that's fine. It doesn't change, at the core, who I am." But I wonder if that's something to explore further or if it⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            So I will answer that question, but you've changed the subject. I said to you you've abandoned yourself and are thinking about what other people, people you haven't met, are thinking or feeling about your gender. And you said, "Yeah, but my parents, my family⁠—what do I do about what they think?" So I want to just reflect that back to you. I'm glad you're laughing and not angry that I did it.

                        But I do want to reflect that back to you because, clearly, you're incredibly uncomfortable with owning your journey and your own truth because you're either thinking about what Trans people are thinking or what your family are thinking. So, again, where are you in that? This is where your Sagittarius little mini-stellium, your Jupiter real close to the Sun⁠—you can weave a story. You can analyze. You can be a philosopher about it. And how does that serve you?

                        It doesn't serve you in getting into alignment. It serves you in a million ways, but it doesn't serve you in getting into alignment because stories happen in the head. Gender is in the heart and the body. It's at the soul. And if you're not willing to sit with your messy feelings and your discomfort in your body and your comfort in your body, if you're not willing to receive the largesse of your soul within which your body resides, then how can you find your truth? The question of your parents⁠—you didn't just say your parents. It's your whole family, right? It's not just your parents?

Guest:              I talk about this with my son, which is great, and we talk a lot about gender and my own identity and his identity. I've talked a little bit about it with one sibling, and then I have another sibling and my parents. So I guess⁠—yeah, and extended family, I don't talk about this.

Jessica:            Right. Right. That's a very important question. It's a really important question. But I would point you away from having a conversation with people that you know you can't trust about something that you can barely hold in your own two hands on your own. You're not ready for that conversation. And is it important to be out about being Pansexual with your family? Is it important to be out about your gender with your family? That's a question that only you can answer.

                        And by focusing on that question in regards to your gender, you are being a mean Saturn to yourself. You are imposing restrictions upon yourself: "Why I can't find my identity is because of these people," which⁠—let them do that. If they want to limit you, let them limit you. You don't limit you.

It is true that you may find a gender identity that feels really right and that, therefore, forces you to want to be feeling right all the time. And that might mean being out in spaces where you currently are perceived and pass as cis, and it's easier that way. And maybe you don't want to deal with how it's harder. I don't know. Maybe you don't want to put a target on your back.

                        These are very valuable, real things. But those are bridges to cross when you get to them. And you are not at those bridges yet. And if you try to determine what you will do at those bridges before you've truly embarked upon the journey, then you're never going to leave your house.

Guest:              Yeah. I'm curious⁠—I love the complexity of astrology, and I get overwhelmed with all of the layers to draw meaning and then to⁠—"Well, what does that mean, practically speaking?" As next steps and how to do that, I'm wondering if there's any suggestions.

Jessica:            Sure. Absolutely. So the first one, I'll just reference back to something I said earlier in our conversations. There are three big chunks in your chart with three big different motivations. So one thing is to maybe⁠—like when you're writing in your journal, is to acknowledge these three parts of yourself and to kind of allow them to have their own voice and give yourself permission to have those voices contradict each other. That's one piece of homework, okay?

                        Another thing that I will say is that you, my dear, are going through a once-in-a-lifetime transit called Neptune conjunct Mercury. Your Mercury is at 28 of Pisces. And this transit is confusing. And we are not meant to find our identity during Neptune conjunction to Mercury. It's just not what you're supposed to do. This transit began in May of 2023, and it's two years long. So you got a long time more, my darling.

                        You're not supposed to find the answer. Neptune is about being in the spiritual complexity, the nuance, the paradox. That's what you're being called to sit with. Saturn, Mars, and Uranus? Not a fan, okay? Not a fan. So there's a meaningful part of your nature that feels threatened by this, and then there's a meaningful part of your nature that's like, "This is kind of my jam. Let me sit with all the possibilities at once."

                        And what I want to say is declaring your identity during the transit of Neptune conjunction to Mercury is not well starred. Let me take all pressure off of you. You are not supposed to have the answer. This is not the time for the answer. You do not need to share vulnerable things where the clay is super wet and sticky with people who you know will put their paws all over your clay and turn it from art into a smoosh of clay. You don't have to do that to yourself.

                        You have a right to privacy, and I think that that's really important with your family at this time for you. That is completely separate from and different from evading the question, "What is in alignment for me?" by saying to yourself, "What would other people think?" which is what you're currently doing. It's really important that we got to that because I think it's super unconscious and super entrenched in you. And I think—do you have a therapist?

Guest:              Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. This is the thing I would encourage you to bring to your therapist, the reflection of you were having a conversation with someone, and they asked you how do you feel, and two times in a row, without blinking an eye, you talked about other people's thoughts. You bring that to your therapist; that's good work. That is really good work for you to get engaged in.

                        You don't need to have the answers right now. And I know that's a bit of a frustrating answer. I mean, astrology says explore. Astrology⁠, your birth chart at this time, says explore. And the reason why Neptune provokes anxiety is because it gives us tons of information, tons of psychic information, analytic information, emotional information, and no answer, nothing clear to do with it. And a lot of humans experience an anxiety response to that.

                        And so cultivating tools, resources, skills, and a willingness to engage with uncertainty and not knowing is really valuable. And it's super fucking Genderqueery. I mean, I could have used any of the three of the things you named, but very Genderqueery. You're in hyper Pisces. Your fucking Mercury is in Pisces in your birth chart. It's in the twelfth house in your birth chart. Neptune is sitting on top of Mercury. This is not a time for sharp clarity. It's just not.

                        And if you force yourself to come up with an identity, yeah, you're going to probably keep on doing what you've been doing, which is trying to do it through other people's viewfinders instead of your own. The journey with gender is relational, but it is first and foremost the relationship you have with yourself. And if you skip that relationship, then all your other relationships are going to be wonkified.

                        I also will say, as an elder Queer, if I may for just a moment, you are invited to and allowed to have your gender journey over space and time in your life, over different moments in your life, different moments in history, different moments in your relationships, different moments in your body. That is what queerness is. You say club, and I've used the term "club" because it works really well with your chart and it's how you're framing it. But the way I always think of these things is more like a train, like a caboose on a track. Heterosexuality and cisgender is a lot like having a caboose on a track, and the track⁠—you can go forward. You can go backwards. You can stop. But that's kind of all you can do on a track.

                        And that's kind of what you're talking about with these clubs. There's so many expectations and associations with these clubs of boy and girl. And when you kind of take the caboose off the track, now we're in Queer land. Not necessarily Gay, but definitely Queer land. And then you have to decide where you want to go, how you want to get there, what pace to use. I mean, there's a lot less options when your caboose is on a track.

                        And when you get off the track, there are so many more options. And with that is freedom, but also a, like, "Oh shit. What the fuck? Wait. What?" It's confusing. It's confusing, and that's part of the joy, and that's part of the burden. It's all of it. And in a highly relational world, especially in this world of social media that we live in, which is pros and cons in very heavy ways, there's all this pressure to identify in public and to say what you are in public.

                        But when your caboose is off the track⁠—I don't know⁠—when you're a badge collector but you don't want to sew them on your chest, that doesn't always work. And on top of it, when you have a fucking Pluto/Moon conjunction in Scorpio on your Descendant, you're private. You're private. You're allowed to be private. You're allowed to say that "This is not something I'm ready to share with the world or I'm ready to share with these groups or those groups."

You are really allowed. And I cannot say that emphatically enough, because the way that you can get quite heady⁠—you take really smart analysis and you apply it to yourself, and I'm not mad at that. Thank you for doing that. You're very socially conscious, like exceptionally socially conscious. At least, that's what your birth chart says. The problem is we can use those tools against us because not all truths are in alignment at all times.

Sometimes we need to focus on more of our personal internal makeup and less on the social and relational components to it, if we want to sustain being in alignment, anyways. And I'm sure you've seen that a lot of people in life have really big ideas and they're really smart, but you can see that it doesn't really match with how they live and who they are. And it's very easy because the more intellectual we are and the more relational we are, the more socially conscious we are, the more we feel like we have to keep up with doing the right thing because we fucking care. It's like ignorance is bliss. There's no bliss in getting it.

All of that can come at the expense of our emotional intelligence and our emotional development. It's not just you. It's not just me. It's what happens. Emotional development is private. It's internal. It requires reflection. And it takes way more time than intellectual and even social development. In these moments where I've been asking you about your feelings and you start talking about other people's thoughts or needs, I think that it's in part because you care so much that you do this.

In part, it's that you're like, "I don't want to take the time away from the world and from these relationships and doing the right thing in the world. I don't want to take time away from those things to sit in reflection." But I don't think there's another way. I don't think there's another way.

And then there's another part of it, which is it's really hard to feel what you feel about your own gender, so you're avoiding feeling it by focusing on other things. You got a lot of other problems. You can focus on a million other problems. Why focus on your own feelings that no one else can see? And no one else knows that you're working hard. It's just internal.

The truth of the matter is that this is a time for you to go deep. Starting in 2024, in February of 2024, Pluto is going to start to square your Moon. That's another once-in-a-lifetime big transit. I can tell you that the most important thing for you to know about this is this is a Tower card moment. And another way of putting it is that it is a Moon card, depending on what deck you work with. I think it's called the Moon card in most decks⁠—is your Neptune transit. And then you got your Tower card, right? So I'm just speaking in your tarot language.

Both of these things are pointing you towards internal, emotional, spiritual, and psychological development, primarily emotional and spiritual. And so, when you focus on relationships before you focus on yourself, that's going to get pretty Towery starting in February if you keep that up. So this is a perfect time for us to have this conversation because what it does is it helps to validate that it's okay to have a process with yourself that is really personal and really private.

This is private. I don't know that you're going to be able to figure this out in a social setting. That doesn't mean that things that you engage with in social settings aren't important components to what you figure out, but coming into alignment for you is private. And you are entitled to that. I want to really emphatically say you're more than entitled to it. You have a North Node conjunct the Ascendant. That's what you're here to do.

So giving yourself the grace to have your own process and for it to look to other people like you're doing nothing, but you know you're doing something⁠—that's just a gift for you to give yourself that will make your life a lot easier in the coming years with your Pluto transit.

Guest:              I was curious, with Chiron and the Moon below that Ascendant line, or that horizon line, and not having a lot of planets in the lower part of the chart, I am curious⁠—it just feels really difficult⁠—I mean, it's difficult anyways, but it feels difficult to see Chiron down there, to not really have a lot of⁠—like, where can I be drawn to ground or align privately?

Jessica:            Interesting.

Guest:              And also, with my Moon just below there, I'm curious⁠—and so much of me is drawn externally to people and in social settings. And so curious if there's anything that stands out about⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. the first thing I'll say is, yes, Mercury is above the line. But it's in the twelfth house, so take that out of your equation, okay? Take it out. Just take it out. Yeah, you got a Taurus Rising, but other than that, the only planet that you have in an earth sign is fucking Neptune, which is basically⁠—it's like a plant with its roots in the water. It's not that earthy.

                        And you don't have shit in earth houses, even. So that you don't feel grounded, I don't think, is really about you only having planets at the top half of your chart. I think it's because you don't have any earth in your fucking chart. So grounding is not the move. Center⁠—getting centered, getting aligned⁠—this is why I've been kind of harping on it with you. That's the damn move. And your Moon is in the sixth house, which is the only planet you have in an earth house other than Chiron. Now, it's in the sixth house. It's hugging the Descendant, so it's a little cuspy. In terms of houses, I deal with cusps. In terms of signs, I do not.

                        Now, what this means is your body is the anchor. Your body is the anchor. When you do something that's out of alignment, you feel it in your guts, I'm guessing.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Moon in the sixth. That's what that is. Moon in the sixth. So use your body as a resource. Center your energy into your body. And the way you do that is by simply slowing down, feeling your body, noticing your body, and then calling all of your energy back to your center. And your center is around⁠—you know, solar plexusy. It's your abdominals.

                        So bringing all your energy back to your center, and then, if you get woo enough, you can throw energy cords through the center of your feet down into the center of the Earth, or you can bring the Earth's energy up through the centers of your feet, all the way up your body, past your head, and up through your auric field. Fill it up with dirt. Fill it up with earth.

                        These are woo practices that I'm just rattling off, but I have resources out there and there are plenty of resources out there⁠—not just from me⁠—that you can access for this kind of stuff. Those are ways that you can, first, center yourself, then ground, because going straight to grounding is not going to work for you. No. No way. No way.

                        In terms of your chart being a bunch of planets at the top of your chart, anyone who has a clustered chart⁠—you tend to be more on one side or the other, top, bottom, left, right. Eh. Don't overthink it. This is an overthinking moment, I would say. Some astrologers are going to teach a class on nothing or write a post about it where you're like, "That's me." And that's good. But when we fixate on a particular singular detail of the birth chart, what we're doing is we're looking for an answer instead of synthesizing the data.

                        There are no answers in life. Now, I know I literally try to give people answers all the time, but there's no such thing as the answer. There's alignment. There is such a thing as truth. The truth that you had at 15 years old is not the truth you have at 36. Truth evolves. Truth is relative. Alignment⁠, alignment, alignment, alignment⁠—that's what you need. That's what we all need, is alignment, because when we are in alignment, even the mistakes we make are in alignment. They're the mistakes we needed to make so that we could learn a thing.

                        When we're out of alignment, the mistakes we make⁠—we didn't just make the mistake; we also feel badly because we did something that was out of alignment and we fucking knew it on some level. It's like, at a certain point in a breakup, we're not mourning the relationship or the person we were with. We're mourning the mistakes we made, the ways in which we were out of alignment. This has happened to each and every one of us who's gone through a breakup, right?

                        And so don't over-fixate on any one part of your chart. It's all about the synthesis. It's all about the story when it all comes together, which is about alignment.

Guest:              I've got a lot to sit with.

Jessica:            I want to just⁠—say your full name out loud.

Guest:              [redacted]

Jessica:            Do you have any other friends who are on a gender journey?

Guest:              Yeah. Yes, I would say.

Jessica:            And do you think it's important that they figure it out kind of quickly and find an identity that's aligned? Does that seem important to you?

Guest:              No.

Jessica:            Does it seem like they have a social responsibility to pick a club?

Guest:              No.

Jessica:            Okay. I just want to hold that mirror up. When you are holding yourself to a different standard than you would hold a friend or your child, you know that you're out of alignment, which is a really hard thing to do. We all hold ourselves to different standards than we hold others, and we can thank all kinds of things for that, including but not limited to trauma. You are in the exact space you're meant to be in at this time, which is having a lot of questions, having some answers, but not having certainty. It's not a time for certainty, which honestly is pretty Queer. You know what I mean? It's not that Gay, but it's super Queer.

                        And I think that there's an evolutionary value within it. Neptune, Uranus⁠—very Queer planets. And Uranus is about eccentricity, individuality, stepping outside of expectations and norms. Neptune is liminal. It's not binary⁠—so not to be confused with the bender Nonbinary. It's literally not binary. It's not material. And these two planets are strong in your chart.

                        It is authentic for you to have this both eccentric, individualistic but also very spiritual, nonmaterial "I don't feel comfortable with anything sewn into my chest" kind of conversations with yourself. And for the relational aspect of this question, which we didn't focus on because I think you're over-focusing on it and it's the wrong thing for us to be focusing on for your own alignment⁠—but also, you live in the fucking world, so you gotta do a thing.

                        I just want to validate "they" is really great for you. And "she" is not a match, but it's not like "he," which is straight-up wrong. And there are other pronouns to use. But I want to just validate that you have that much clarity and that it's okay to be on wonky ground with that, but that's the best that the confines of language can offer you in this moment. And it's okay to be in that wonky space. I mean, it's not awesome, but it's not dishonest. And it's not asking too much of others.

Guest:              Yeah. Hearing you validate that kind of helps. I'm annoyed at myself for feeling that I need that, just because it feels like what I'm trying to work against. But it means a lot to have that reflected to me by someone who doesn't know me.

Jessica:            Well, I'm glad that it feels validating. There's nothing wrong with it feeling validating. But ultimately, it's like being able to hold the warmth of validation from others or being seen in a way that feels authentic to you⁠—don't feel bad for basking in the warmth of that. That is a beautiful thing. And also, I mean, I'm not just somebody who doesn't know you. I'm also an astrologer, and you're getting a reading. So it's like a special, like, "Okay. Cool. I'm doing my chart." It's like I get that. Right?

                        And then, also, until you're in alignment with yourself, what I've done is I've scratched an itch. And in a matter of time⁠—maybe it'll be hours, maybe it'll be minutes, maybe it'll be days⁠—the itch will come back because you need to get in alignment with you, not by my standards, not by your dad's standards or your bestie's standards or anyone else. It's about being in alignment. It's not about standards at all.

                        And so it's like give yourself the gift of basking in the glow of being seen. And also, it cannot replace being able to sit with yourself and come, in your own way, in your own time, into alignment.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            One last thing I guess I'll say is you got a fucking stellium in Pisces. You've got Taurus Rising, which is governed by Venus. Femininity is a huge part of your gender. And we get to reject traditional femininity. We get to reject all of the shit that's placed upon people who embody femininity or placed upon the role of woman. Femininity can be as Queer as you want it to be.

                        I want to encourage you to explore what it actually means to you and not the definitions you've been given, which⁠—most of them don't match. Some of them do for you, it looks like. Most of them don't. And embracing Venus⁠—because you are very Venusian. Embracing Venus can be done in both a Neptunian and a Uranian way, in a Queer way. You have Venus in Pisces. It's very close to the twelfth-house cusp, and you've got Uranus square your Venus.

                        You get to embody this very Queer⁠—in all manner of the interpretation of that⁠—Venusian experience. And that doesn't negate all your other parts. Does that make sense, why I wanted to throw that in the mix?

Guest:              Yes. I think so.

Jessica:            All right, my dear. Well, that is your reading.

Guest:              Thank you so much, Jessica. I really appreciate it.

Jessica:            It's totally my pleasure.