Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica: Squirrel, welcome to the podcast. Tell me what you would like a reading about.

Squirrel: Thank you so much for having me, Jessica. I'm so excited to be here. I'm just going to read my question.

Jessica: Great.

Squirrel: "I'm a Libra stellium baby who hates conflict⁠—shocker. It frazzles me, and it makes me want to hide. But I know that it isn't helping me anymore. As I open up to dealing with conflict in new ways, I'm discovering that I'm really afraid of being in the wrong and acting unfairly towards myself or the other person by taking a stand. What does my chart say about this, and how can I better cope with the burden of wanting to be fair always?"

Jessica: That is such a good question, and it is also, yes, such a Libra stellium question. I'm going to share your birth data. You were born September 29th, 1995, 2:22 p.m. in Kolkata, India. So I got big questions for you first. You hate conflict. Does that mean you don't engage in conflict? Do you not tell people when you're mad at them? If somebody comes at you and they're upset about something, do you kind of just shut down? What actually happens?

Squirrel: So what happens is I go into⁠—either I just freeze up, like I really just feel it in my body, like anything. I kind of hold my tongue a lot, and I kind of try and resolve stuff⁠—it's going to blow your mind⁠—through diplomacy.

Jessica: Yeah.

Squirrel: So what ends up happening a lot is I will try and put down everything on the ground and just be like, "Okay. This is what's going on, and this is what I feel about it. And how do you want to deal with it?" And it sort of starts off with the intention of wanting to be fair and diplomatic, but eventually, if I start to feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I start giving a lot of ground and just completely giving. And that's kind of like my default way of doing it.

And in the past, I used to internalize it and turn it inwards way more and just beat myself up and just keep telling myself, like, "Oh, they're okay. If they're saying something, it's feedback on how you're behaving, so you need to change how you behave." So yeah.

Jessica: Interesting. Okay. And is there any particular relationship that this is coming up around currently, or is it more just it's bothering you and you want to deal with it and understand it?

Squirrel: So I was triggered in a big way with my partner's family. I was living with them for a while, and they were a very big part of our life. And eventually, I sort of realized how much in that relationship was just taking a lot away from me and how much ground I was giving and how anxious I felt in it, really. I sort of reached a point where I was just of no contact with them, and I was just like, I⁠—we went through therapy together, and just out the back of that, I was like, "I can't really stay in this relationship anymore."

And that in itself has sort of created its own set of things, which was just like, when the diplomacy sort of collapses, the urge is to run and hide and just starting off by building boundaries, but it's so hard to sort of keep them as boundaries. And they just become walls after a while. So it's been a struggle for me to sort of understand what parts of my fears and concerns are valid and which ones are just also me being hyper-defensive, and then also which is me sort of turning it⁠—again, internalizing it and saying, "Hey, actually, you're in the wrong. So you need to change how you are." So it's just that mindfuck.

Jessica: Yeah. And that's recent, I'm guessing.

Squirrel: Yeah. It was basically the last year or so. My partner and I, we were actually⁠—we're married, and we've been married for like five years.

Jessica: Wow.

Squirrel: So it's with his family.

Jessica: I see. You're still with your partner, but the conflict is with his family.

Squirrel: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. There's a lot of layers here. The first one is you have Chiron, Sun, Venus Mercury, and your North Node all in Libra, and almost all of that is in the eighth house. For you, to be conflict-averse is kind of like, yeah, of course. Of course, you are. And that doesn't mean you will be conflict-averse your whole life. It means that the struggle of Libra is the urge to be accommodating instead of authentic. But the power of Libra is to be authentic while doing it in a style of accommodation. Does that make sense, the difference?

Squirrel: I think it does. Yeah.

Jessica: I'm going to use a few more words because you said, "Yes," like a Libra, but then your face said no. So okay. So to be accommodating would be for me to say, "Does that make sense?" and you say yes, when in fact it did not exactly make sense⁠—just as an example, not based on anything happening in life. But to be authentic in the style of accommodation would be to take a beat, to actually turn inward to see, "Does that make sense? Does that actually make sense? Shit. I don't think it makes sense." So to then say, maybe in a diplomatic and affirming way, "I think I have a sense of that, but can you explain it more? I would like to hear more about that, even though it does kind of make sense."

There are ways of being accommodating and a very gentle, nice Libra person while also being authentic to yourself. But the thing that gets in your way is what might sound like the smallest part of what I just said, which is taking a beat. It's slowing down and turning inside. And the struggle of Libra placements⁠—and you have a bazillion⁠. It's an air sign, so it's quick. So there's this urge to quickly respond to things instead of to give yourself the space you need to process what you're actually responding to. And the reality is, in relationships, you're not just responding to the content. You're responding to your own drive for interpersonal security. Does that make sense?

Squirrel: Yes, that does make sense.

Jessica: Yeah. And good on you for taking time to actually think about it. Well played. Well played. Well played.

Squirrel: I'm a good student.

Jessica: Yes, you are. You are. And then, on top of that, you have Chiron, Sun, Venus, Mercury all in the eighth house, which is a place of rumination. So the truth is, for you, it takes you physical time and emotional space⁠—because of Scorpio, the eighth house⁠—that's a water sign. So it takes not just physical time but emotional movement for you to ruminate on, "Is this a yes? Is this a no? Am I annoyed by what they're saying? Am I annoyed by how I'm engaging? Am I annoyed by the fact that it's a pattern and not the thing on its own?" It takes you actual physical time and space to emotionally ruminate. And your Libra placements are like, "No. No. That's too much. No. Absolutely, no."

And then, on top of that, you have a beautiful Moon/Jupiter conjunction in Sagittarius at the top of your chart, which is like⁠—if you read any astrology books, as I'm sure you have, it's like, "This is lucky. Everything goes easy for you. You like people; people like you." I'm assuming you've read stuff like that.

Squirrel: Yeah, along those⁠—definitely for the Moon/Sagittarius bit. You know?

Jessica: Yes. Yeah. And that's all true, but here's the problem. In the context of this issue, you're really good at seeming fine. You're really good at getting along. And in the context of this issue, it means that you can kind of feel like you're drowning before you realize, "Shit. I have to get out of the water and take a breath."

Squirrel: Yeah. That's absolutely right.

Jessica: Yeah. This is where the resiliency of Jupiter and the zodiac sign of Sagittarius can kind of become a liability because you are capable of pushing yourself really far in the context of getting along with others and being agreeable. And that means that those eighth-house placements⁠—plus you've got Mars, Pluto, and the Midheaven all in Scorpio. So all these things combined⁠—yeah, you get real resentful, like super fucking resentful. Is that right?

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, while you hate conflict, at a certain point, you can feel so deeply injured that it feels like, "Well, there's nothing left to do but burn the whole thing to the ground because it's impossible to heal this," because there's so much resentment and stickiness that gets built up over time.

Squirrel: Yes. No, because again, it's just⁠—I feel it's those two parts of me, which is like, at the same time, I will want so badly to sort of reconcile, and I think that's where the conflict of wanting that fairness comes in, where it'll be like the urge is to sort of shut down, like run, essentially. But the thought process is also so much of, like, "Maybe I need to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I don't understand where they're coming from. Maybe I can do more," and still wanting to fix it.

Jessica: Let me just jump in on that because you're saying something super, super important. When things get to a certain level⁠—like on a scale from 1 to 10, it gets to an 8 or whatever⁠—there's a part of you that's like, "I want to bolt. I want to get out of here. This is it. It's over." And then there's another part of you that you're calling diplomacy. You're saying, "How can I fix it?" But I don't know that you heard what you said. What you said was, "How can I fix it? What's wrong with my perspective? How can I change me?" which is kind of not as different as running away is.

When that part of you that is moving towards diplomacy when you're really activated⁠—the diplomacy is, "How can I reshape myself to fit the situation better?" It's not, "How can I diplomatically engage with the truth of my feelings and assess whether or not the truth of my feelings matches the truth of the situation?" because sometimes, a person says or does something in such a way where it really does hurt your feelings, period. There's no fixing that. Your feelings are hurt.

And you may be able to kind of sort through details to understand, with time, "It really did hurt my feelings, and I can understand that their motivation was not in any way to hurt my feelings. They had no idea they were hurting my feelings." And the diplomacy in that kind of a situation could be⁠—depending on the injury, it could be, "I need to change my expectations of what kind of relationship I can have with them and how much I can trust them. And I need to expect that they're the kind of person who's going to continue to hurt my feelings because they don't understand me."

And that's not, "Therefore, how can I be more diplomatic?" It's, "Therefore, how can I hold this messy, sticky, complicated situation in a more equal way?" which would actually mean you having stronger boundaries with that person, not stronger consequences with that person.

Squirrel: So having stronger boundaries with a person rather than having stronger consequences. Yeah. That does very much make sense when I hear it and when you say it. It's so challenging, again, I feel like, when the feelings come up, as well, to sort of implement that because I'll have⁠—especially like in the situation I described, there will be these moments of bitterness and anger and just that feeling of, "I'm not being treated fairly." And in those moments, it becomes very difficult for me to hold the boundaries without turning them into consequences.

Jessica: Yeah. Do you have a situation active right now or a situation that's kind of fresh that we can use as an example?

Squirrel: So, on and off with my partner, there will be points where we'll have mounting conflict at points. And I'll be like, "And I overpushing? Am I being overly harsh in how I am judging how he's coming across in this? Or am I being fair to both of us?"

Jessica: Give me an example.

Squirrel: An example. Okay.

Jessica: And I will say I want to just acknowledge that part of why I'm asking you to give me examples⁠—it's like a practice of mine to be like, "Okay, we're talking about this theoretical part of you, but let's get realistic." But there's another reason why: because all of that Libra⁠—but not just all that Libra. You have a Neptune/Mercury square. Neptune is also square to your Venus. So, when you actually verbalize a problem between you and someone you care about or you're invested in the relationship, that Neptune dynamic⁠—but especially because it's a Neptune in Capricorn with Libra placements⁠⁠—you start to feel badly about yourself because there's this conviction that you have that is in your bones a little bit that love is devotional and, "I can't be critical of someone else. There's something wrong with me if I'm criticizing them."

And so there's a way that⁠—because of the Mercury square to Neptune, there's a way that you may start to feel confused mentally and overwhelmed and scattered when it comes to verbalizing what was really clear to you a second ago.

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. It'll be like I'll know, and it'll feel clear in my head. And then, when I speak to the person, it gets scrambled.

Jessica: Scrambled. That's Neptune. That's Neptune. And any time anyone feels scrambled, you should just be like, "Okay. Where's Neptune in my chart? What's Neptune doing to me right now?" because it's fucking Neptune. Neptune is the scrambler of the eggs that are your mind, or whatever it is. In your case, it's Mercury, right? So it's your mind.

And so I want to just acknowledge, even as I asked you to use a specific example of a conflict with you and your partner⁠—who you've been clear you love and you're with and you're happy with, right⁠?—there's this way that I can see psychically how you start compressing yourself.

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You start compressing yourself.

Squirrel: Yeah.

Jessica: And that compression immediately makes this larger issue we're talking about 700 times worse because the compression is essentially a form of self-abandonment. You're like, "I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. I have to smoosh it down." And then within that is this resentment, like, "Why can't I have my feelings? Why can't I just say what I need?" It's like a messy, unconscious coping mechanism that you got from one of your parents. I bet you know which one.

Squirrel: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Is it your mom?

Squirrel: It's both of them. Yeah.

Jessica: Both of them in different ways.

Squirrel: In different ways.

Jessica: In different ways. They have different ways of kind of embodying and expressing resentment, victimization, and how they feel that their needs are not being addressed or honored enough. So it's always fun to know⁠, "Oh, look, this is my version, apparently." I'm being sarcastic. It's not fun at all. It's not fun. But it is important to be able to recognize. So, then, when we come back⁠—I'm going to have you say your full name out loud and your partner's full name out loud.

Squirrel: So my full name is [redacted]. My partner's name is [redacted].

Jessica: What do you actually call him?

Squirrel: These days, I call him [redacted].

Jessica: Okay. I got you guys. I got you guys. Okay. So there's two things I want to say. The first one is it soothes your nervous system to go from me asking you to name something that's wrong in your relationship⁠—right? Your nervous system got⁠—there was the compression, and you started to get stressed in your system, which led to feeling scattered. And then I asked you to say your name, and when I asked you to say your name, it was something you know, something you know with certainty. And now you don't have the compression anymore. Your brain feels more clear. Do you notice this?

Squirrel: Yeah.

Jessica: So one of the things you may experiment with when you are dealing with these kinds of stressful things is, once you start to notice that compression and the confusion and that scrambled eggs situation starting to happen, notice it, step one. Step two, take a breath. Step three, name three things you know. Name three things you know. You know that you're wearing yellow socks. You know that your hair is half up right now. It can be really small, objective things. It can't be, "I know I'm right and you're wrong," because that's subjective. So it has to be material, easy-to-verify, "I know" things, like, "I know my cat is not on my lap right now."

Name three things you know, and then take a breath and come back to the topic because it seems to do something to your nervous system. And it's worth experimenting with whether or not you can use that intentionally to help your brain instead of to use it to disassociate from what's happening, because then when you come back, it's the same soupy, scrambled eggs mess. Right?

Squirrel: Yeah.

Jessica: So that's thing one. Thing two, your relationship is good. I'm seeing this. You like each other. You're friends. You love each other.

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. You have fun with each other. So I want to be exceptionally clear that I asked you to tell me about a problem between the two of you. I can see that there are actual real problems between the two of you. And that doesn't mean you don't like him, and it doesn't mean you don't love him, and it doesn't mean your relationship is in trouble, and it doesn't mean that there's something inherently wrong with him or with you. All relationships have problems. All real relationships have problems. You can be pals with someone for 10, 20 years and never have a problem with them because they're not like friends; they're pals. So they never go deep enough to have a problem.

I want to say really emphatically⁠—but I really, really believe this⁠—how we cope with problems has everything to do with whether or not we can stay together for a lifetime as friends, as partners, whatever. And so I just want to share with you my very Capricorn take on relationships because there's a part of you that feels that you are doing the person that you care for dirty by naming problems. And I would say the only way to be consistently authentic with the people that you love, including yourself, is to be able to have the freedom to say, "I don't fucking like this. That bums me out. And I love you, and I choose you, and you are the perfect person for me. And the perfect person for me is imperfect because I, too, am imperfect. And that's okay."

So, all of that said, tell me an active problem with you and your partner.

Squirrel: Okay. So I think, like I mentioned before, because I'm not really on talking terms with his parents, sort of navigating that relationship between us has been really challenging. And it's something which we keep coming back to again and again. And every time it gets activated, it sort of stresses both of us out to the point that neither of us is able to get much done that week.

Jessica: I see. Does he want you to be in relationship with your parents, or is he supportive of you not being in relationship with them?

Squirrel: He is very supportive of me not⁠—also, to correct, it's his parents, not mine.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. His parents. Sorry. Sorry if I said that wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

Squirrel: As far as he tells me, at least, he doesn't really want that. It's very difficult for him because, a lot of times, he feels very stuck in the middle of us. And there's this way in which we just mutually just do not understand each other. And actually, from my perspective, I feel like I have a reasonable understanding of what they want and expect from me, but it's just I'm not happy to give that. And it just sort of becomes such a source of conflict, and it just has gotten worse and worse and worse over the years.

I think for the first five years, it was just me taking it in and internalizing it and being like, "I can get on with this. It's fine." Then there was one incident after which I was just like, "Oh my gosh. I have been ignoring everything my inner voice has been telling me about this situation." And I tried to sort of⁠—I did my best to actually get to agreement, and that didn't really fall through. And that just⁠—it ended with just a bag of resentment.

And for really, then, my partner, he's happy for us to not have a relationship, but there were certain terms and conditions which we sort of agreed to. It's still just not fully settled. I feel like we're living with the aftermath of all of the fallout, and it takes a toll on him. It takes a toll on me. And it takes a toll on our relationship.

Jessica: Do you mind sharing what the conflict is?

Squirrel: I think it's more of a personality thing. His parents really expect a lot from me and us. There's a level of me just not feeling like I'm able to just do the things I want to do without being misunderstood and judged. And sort of every time⁠—like say there's an event that's happening, and I don't want to go for my personal reasons. And I sort of say, "I don't want to go." It's taken very personal, and it becomes like a fight.

And I think I spent a lot of time just trying to navigate that with a level of diplomacy, again, and also hiding and running from it and sort of just internalizing the problem while doing the Jupiter Moon thing, which you said, of resenting. "All good. All fine. I'm smiling."

Jessica: Kind of pulling it back, I want to say this. When you have a boundary with someone and you say⁠—let's say your mother-in-law, and you say, "I don't want to go to the party," and she gets really bent out of shape, and she's just like, "That's messed up. You should be going to the party." From my perspective, your best-case scenario is that you affirm to her, "I'm really sorry that it hurts your feelings. I can understand where you're coming from. But this is what I'm going to do. And I respect that it bothers you, but I want you to know I'm not doing it to bother you. I'm doing it to take care of myself." So you affirm that.

You both validate⁠—you do understand where she's coming from. You don't agree with where she's coming from, but you actually do⁠—you're a Libra. Of course, you understand the other person's perspective. Right? That is not only something that can be an asset to you, but it's also like a conflict management technique to be able to affirm, "I understand where you're coming from." Where it becomes an incubator for resentment and self-abandonment is when you end the conversation there. "I get where you're coming from. I'm sorry."

It's, "I get where you're coming from. I have a lot of empathy that it makes you feel bad, and I'm really sorry to be the cause of you feeling bad. And I want to be clear that this is what I'm doing to take care of myself. It's not what I'm doing to hurt you." And then, when that interaction is over, you click; hang up the phone. You leave her house. You stop texting her⁠—whatever it is. Then your job is to allow yourself to be mad at her, to be annoyed by her.

This is part of the problem, right? The compression thing we referred to before is how you repress feeling bad and mad because you are scared that that means something bad about you. And then what happens when you try to shove down your anger and irritation? It becomes resentment and pettiness, actually. You do have Pluto at the top of your chart. You do have a fair amount of Scorpio vibes, right? So you can get real resentful, and resentment lends itself to pettiness.

That's where you get into trouble. It's like the very thing you're doing to avoid feeling resentful and petty actually makes it worse for you down the line. So I want to just acknowledge that and kind of pull back to say, after you've set the boundary, here's the move. And this is a magic move. It's very hard, but it's very simple. You're allowed to have whatever fucking feelings you have, and she's allowed to have whatever fucking feelings she has. And that's where you lose it because you want everyone to feel good and to feel okay, when the truth is if we're talking about this specific relationship, she has a right to be disappointed and sad and a little mad. She does not have the right to treat you like shit, but she has the right to her feelings.

You have the right to find her deeply annoying, to find her to be a very restrictive force in your life. You have the right to find her to be somebody you don't want to engage with, to be like, "This person⁠—blegh." All the feelings associated with that⁠—you have a right to feel those feelings. And if you give yourself permission to feel those feelings, then you can also give yourself permission to be like, "I'm not at this terrible party. My partner is. Best to him. I am eating grapes and watching Netflix," or whatever, giving yourself permission to feel joy about that at the same time that you feel all the other feelings.

The key to conflict management⁠—I know it doesn't sound like this would be the case, but it really is giving yourself and others permission to feel whatever you feel, not to do whatever you want, but to feel whatever you feel. And that's really a struggle for you because you have this belief⁠—and this comes from your parents⁠—that there's a right way to feel and there's a wrong way to feel. And you don't ever want to be wrong because you don't actually want to hurt people's feelings. You really don't like doing that.

Again, the irony is, because you sucked it up and sucked it up and sucked it up and sucked it up for five years just of constantly sucking it up, eventually you probably came across as real freaking harsh and like a completely rigid hard-ass when you finally had a boundary instead of being like, "Here's my boundary," and letting them either honor or disrespect that boundary over the course of time, and then coming to it. They probably did not see it coming at all.

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. And this is not just you. This is how most people are with boundaries, which is why most people have a really hard time being on the receiving end of boundaries as much as asserting boundaries, because most people, most of the time, are uncomfortable with figuring out how to diplomatically but clearly say, "No. No, I'm not doing that." And what I think comes up for you around other people being upset with you is that it makes you scared that if I'm mad at you about something, that means you're a bad person.

Squirrel: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. And I'm sorry. But the good news is it doesn't. I mean, think of all the times you've been mad at your partner⁠—probably seven million, I'm guessing, because I'm looking at your birth chart. You find people annoying, right?

Squirrel: I don't know if I do find them annoying.

Jessica: Interesting. You don't find your partner annoying sometimes?

Squirrel: Sometimes I do. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Do you not find him annoying maybe once a day?

Squirrel: Yeah. It's, again, that process which is just like I'll get annoyed, and then I'll be like⁠—it's what you said. And I've never really put it in those terms, which is just of feeling like I can't feel negatively towards a person because that means I'm a bad person or that I'm undermining the relationship in some way. And so it'll be like I'll be annoyed, but then I'll be like, "I'm annoyed, but he's probably doing the right thing," because he's the more tidy one of the two of us, and he's got his shit together a little more than I do. And so it'll always be that suppression and that internalization of it. It's like a constant thing that's in the background.

Jessica: So I'm going to say a couple things to that. The first one is you are annoyed by him every day, and that's normal. That's normal. I just want you to know it's super fucking normal. I think it's very, very, very normal. I think most people are annoyed with the people we love because being annoyed is a passing feeling. It's just a thing that happens. And I want to remind you that even though he is annoying sometimes⁠—at least once a day, we're going to say, just as an example. Even though he is annoying, you fucking love him and you like him.

And the fact that he's annoying doesn't undo that you like him and you love him. It just means that sometimes he annoys you because you're in an irritated mood or because he wants to tidy something 10 minutes after you've made a mess, and you'd rather wait 30 minutes. And so it's like, "Ah, it's a compromise," annoying. And sometimes a person's annoying because they're fucking annoying, and it's not to do with you at all. It's to do with them being objectively annoying. Those two things can both exist.

And then sometimes things are annoying because you have been compromising. They don't know you're compromising. Now you're annoyed because it's a pattern. And you're not necessarily annoyed about the thing itself; you're annoyed about the pattern of the thing itself.

Squirrel: Yes. That is a frequent thing. Yeah.

Jessica: Yes. Yes. I think it's a frequent thing for a lot of people, whether or not they have Libra stelliums. But you have a Libra stellium with a Neptune square to Mercury and Venus⁠. Yeah, it's going to for sure be a fucking thing for you. Plus you have Saturn in Pisces. We haven't even talked about the fact that you have Saturn in Pisces, which teaches lessons around boundaries and is a very tricky placement. And you are building towards your Saturn Return right now.

I've given you three categories of irritability. I want to encourage you to acknowledge, next time you find yourself irritated, "Which one of these three is it? Is it I'm annoyed with the pattern? He's being fucking annoying, and it's not a big deal, but yes, he is being objectively annoying right now? Or I'm just irritated; it's about me being irritated?" And I want you to know that it could be all three things at once, or it could be two things at once.

But tracking that allows you to be more self-aware about what you're actually feeling so that you can eventually be able to say to your partner, "Hey. You know how we⁠—I don't know⁠—eat dinner, and then you really want to do the dishes ten minutes after we're done? I don't want to do that. I don't like that. And for the last seven years, I've been doing that because I know objectively you're right, and it's not a big deal. But I have noticed that I'm becoming more irritated by it because I'm compromising, and you don't really know that I'm compromising, so you expect me to compromise. And that's bugging me."

If you can say that to your partner and your partner can be like, "Okay. What do I do about it?" you can say, "I don't know," or you can say, "You need to be a little more flexible," or, "You need to be the one to do the dishes. I'll do something else because this just fucking annoys me." If you can find a way to basically⁠—this is true diplomacy. It's negotiating based on what's true. That's real diplomacy. So being able to do that will make you closer. And it doesn't mean that the process of getting closer isn't⁠—sometimes it's bumpy. Sometimes it's like you get closer to someone because you work through something challenging together. But that's the damn move is what I would say. But you can never do that if you're too busy repressing your own feelings and you're not able to identify what they actually are.

So this is where you've heard me say a million times, probably, acceptance is not consent; it's simply self-awareness. And if you can accept that you are somebody who gets irritated⁠—you got Mars in fucking Scorpio real high up in your chart in the ninth house. You've got a Moon/Jupiter conjunction in Sagittarius, and you've got a stellium in the eighth house. You're going to be impatient and irritable, and it's not a bad thing. I don't think it's at all of a bad thing to be irritable and impatient, but that's because I'm deeply impatient and irritable. So I think it's fine.

But I do think, more specifically and probably more helpfully, there is no value in judging our nature and our own emotional responses, because when we judge them, what we're doing is we're trying to shove them into boxes, pre-sized boxes. And that's not how we evolve and cope and grow. That's not how we find peace and cultivate real intimacy with other people or ourselves. That's how we shove it down and get along. And I think that most people shove it down and get along. Certainly, your mother-in-law shoves it down and gets along. I mean, she doesn't get along, right? She doesn't get along, but that's what she feels she's doing.

This is the irony. You want to hear irony? She has been doing what you're doing her whole life. And so, now, her resentment, based on irritability based on patterns, is so high on a scale from 1 to 10, it's a 17. And so every feeling she has, she's like, "Oh, this⁠—I have to verbalize it. I have to act on it. I deserve to be heard. No one ever listens to me. No one ever really cares about how I feel." Part of why it's so annoying is because it's triggering to you. And part of why it's triggering to you is because, again, she might do it⁠—on a scale from 1 to 10, she might do it at a 9, and you might do it at a 5, but you're kind of doing the same thing.

Squirrel: Yes. Absolutely.

Jessica: Yeah. All of this to say that the work of being able to engage with conflict and know when it's right to take a stand starts internally. And in order to do it, you need to give yourself permission to have whatever feelings you have, not to do any physical behavior you want, but to have whatever feelings you have. And because you're in this phase of the Saturn Return⁠—your Saturn Return begins in June of 2024, and it's over in March of 2025. It won't be happening the whole entire time. But your Saturn return is like, "Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock." It's happening now. Right? Almost now.

And so, as you build towards the summer of 2024, things get more intense. That's what the Saturn Return is about. And because you have Saturn in Pisces in the second house, a huge theme of your Saturn Return is whether or not you are going to fall into passive-aggressive ways of experiencing and expressing your boundaries where things are more like a show of respectful conduct instead of actually respecting yourself or others⁠—it's the risky part of Saturn in Pisces in the second⁠—or you are going to give yourself permission to figure out what your values actually are, what you actually value, to cultivate healthy boundaries spiritually, emotionally, interpersonally, behaviorally⁠—but it has to start spiritually and emotionally because it's Pisces.

So cultivating healthy boundaries to reflect what you value⁠—that's what Saturn in Pisces in the second house really wants for you and of you. Everything you're going through is related deeply to your Saturn Return because it's asking you to really focus on what you actually value and to have boundaries that reflect it. The tricky part is, because it's the second house, which is the natural placement of Taurus ruled by Venus, and you are a Venus baby⁠—you have all that Libra in you⁠—the lesson of authenticity versus accommodation/being accommodating is a really deep part of your Saturn Return experience.

And the truth is it would be very easy for you⁠—not pleasant, but easy⁠ for you⁠—to just try to get along and then, every once in a while, shut down, blow up, burn a bridge, but for the most part, just try to suck it up and get along. But if you continue to do that, your mother-in-law is actually a pretty good teacher about how that ages over time. It's turned her into a resentment machine. She resents everyone for everything. Everything is connected to everything for her. And you definitely do not want that for yourself, I am assuming.

Squirrel: Definitely don't.

Jessica: Definitely don't. Yeah. Then the work becomes, can you own what your values are, what your preferences are, and what your boundaries are, understanding that sometimes people will not like you, people will not agree with you, people will be annoyed by you? And can you give other people permission to feel what they feel in exchange for you giving yourself permission to feel what you feel? It's diplomacy. It's like actual diplomacy is allowing for feelings to be what they are, and then from that place of acceptance and presence, being able to negotiate, "Okay. So what do I need to do? What can I offer you? What do I need? And if you disrespect my boundaries, how do I shift the boundary so that I'm more self-protective?"

I don't think you did anything wrong, honestly, by pulling back from your in-laws. I really don't. I think you needed to do what you needed to do. And I also think it is possible, over time, you will be able to have kind of a different boundary. And I don't think that means that they'll be any different. They're not going to be different. I mean, I think that's really obvious, right?

Squirrel: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Yeah. They're not going to be different. It's possible⁠—it's not mandated. It's not necessary. But it is possible that you could eventually be like, "I understand who they are. I understand that they're going to be exactly who they are in every situation. And I can give them permission to be annoyed with me, and I can just shake it off and give myself permission to do whatever the fuck I want to do." And you might be able to do that and to be in some kind of relationship with them, and you might not. If it's something that you want, it is something that you theoretically can have eventually. Because you're married, it's kind of like a forever relationship. It's important to know that.

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School boards and lawmakers around the country are banning and challenging books at a pace not seen since the 1980s. The American Library Association tracked 729 challenges to library, school, and university materials and services in 2021. And librarians have even been threatened with criminal charges and jail time in some places in this country for lending out challenged books. You can contact your representatives about this issue by emailing, calling, or tweeting at them. And above all else, buy banned and challenged books. Support the important work of authors who are being banned or challenged, and in the process, support independent bookstores. My favorite bookstore, Marcus Books, is the oldest independent Black-owned bookstore in the country and has a banned and challenged book list on their website. You can go to marcusbooks.com to see this list and to shop, or visit whatever independent bookstore that you love. Support banned and challenged books and authors today.

As you know, devastating fires have shaken Hawaii, and the people there need your help. If you've ever been a tourist in the region and enjoyed any of the magic and beauty of the lands, this is the time to give what you can. You can lend support by donating at any of the links that we've dropped in show notes. Even a small gift can make a huge difference in this time of crisis.

Jessica: Now, do you have any questions or anything else you want to know, or anything at all?

Squirrel: I think, for me, one thing I've found is the rumination bit⁠—I mean, I heard somewhere sometimes what we are most afraid of is the emotions a situation will bring up rather than the situation itself.

Jessica: Yes.

Squirrel: And I do find myself being quite⁠—dodging situations and⁠—"manipulating" isn't the word for it, but almost shaping them or trying to control them in ways that I won't have to deal with those difficult feelings. I guess I'd want to know about just⁠—how would one sort of deal with the time it takes to sort of think through and ruminate on problems that come up in the immediacy of a conflict situation which can sometimes be very⁠—the pressure to respond can be so strong.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I have a response. I'm going to give you it, but it's going to be super annoying for you. And I want to just acknowledge that this may or may not work for you, and also, it may be perfect for you and you may find it annoying at first. I don't know. But I want you to have whatever feelings you have about it. I consent to that, okay? Just giving you that sense.

Now, the truth is your first reactions to things are like every other human's in the world: not your most reliable reactions. Every human on the planet, our first reaction reflects our survival mechanisms and not our wisdom and our intentionality. Your survival mechanism might be, "Suck it up. Compress it. Get along," or, "I'll kill you. I'll kill you with my hands." You know what I mean? It can kind of be like these either/or extreme emotions.

So the first thing I want to say⁠—you're holding your breath even as you wait for me to respond, so it's to breathe. It's to breathe. It's to breathe. And I know I say it all the time, but it is remarkable how eight out of ten, nine out of ten of us just hold our breath when we're waiting for something to happen or we're scared something's going to happen. So the first thing is to inhale and then exhale, to breathe. And then the second thing⁠—it's to breathe into that feeling of⁠—it's like you have this feeling that is like terror and defensiveness that you're going to have to feel feelings that you don't know what to do with.

Squirrel: Could you say a little bit more about it?

Jessica: Yeah. So, when somebody does something that really upsets you⁠—not your partner is annoying about dishes. It's like when something actually really crosses some sort of line, it's like this well of emotion⁠—it really comes up your chest and into your throat, and it's so overwhelming. You know what I'm talking about?

Squirrel: Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah. And your survival mechanism reaction, your lizard brain reaction, is, "I don't know what to do with this. I don't know what to do with this. This is terrible." And so it's this fear. It's this terror. And it's also this defensiveness of, "I can't handle this. This is⁠—no. I can't hold this. This is not me. I cannot bring this to this situation." So it's this well of really strong emotion that is absolutely about the situation, but it's also about every single time you have not advocated for yourself and been authentic with yourself in every single even a little bit similar situation in the past.

Squirrel: Yep. Absolutely.

Jessica: Fucking eighth house.

Squirrel: Yeah. I mean, I've been sort of talking about a version of this, which is also like the advocating for myself. I feel it also goes, still, hand-in-hand with just feeling comfortable being my true self around people. And I've been talking about it a lot with my therapist, and it's like when I start talking about it, it's just like waterworks continuously. And there's a well of feeling in my body that I can feel when that happens. And it is like I know exactly what feeling you're talking about, and it just feels like that micro feeling but on steroids.

Jessica: Yes. Yeah. Steroids. Yeah. I see that. So here's the thing. Being able to be totally yourself with others is goal number two. You're placing it as goal number one, but I'm going to place it as goal number two because if you can't be totally authentic with yourself inside of yourself, how the fuck are you going to do that with other people? What you are doing now is being authentic with other people. You're authentically showing up with completely mixed, chaotic emotions. That's authentic, actually. It's not the core truth of who and what you are and where you are. It's authentic to how you're functioning at this time.

So, when we have that⁠—we're acknowledging this well of emotion comes up, and then you're like, "I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to handle it, so I have to compress it. I have to shut it down. I have to bolt." That shit is chaos. That shit is chaos, and it's mixed emotions, and it's mixed intentions, and it's mixed needs because part of you is like, "I want to have space to feel what I'm feeling, and I feel overwhelmed or scared or hurt." And then another just as strong, just as big part of you is like, "I need to fucking manage this. I need to keep this under wraps. I need to make sure that the press doesn't hear about this. No one can know"⁠—those mixed feelings.

I would actually say you are showing up authentically with people and reflecting your mixedness. I would say that your overwhelm and your strong emotions are leaking, and then what you're trying to verbalize and state is the diplomacy piece.

Squirrel: Yes.

Jessica: So it's like if we think of these as two parts inside of you⁠—and we can call purple and yellow, okay? So, if we call them purple and yellow, then what's happening is you're showing up as purple and you're showing up as yellow instead of the wholeness of what you are. And I don't know what purple and yellow make when you smoosh them together. But that's actually what you want to be able to do, is to be your wholeness instead of these two parts that are kind of fighting each other, because as you show up with the two parts that are kind of fighting each other, what ends up happening is you're giving mixed messages to people. They do not know where the fuck you stand.

That's because you don't know where you stand, which is where I come back to being authentic with other people is an excellent goal, and I would put it as goal number two. Giving yourself the space to experience acceptance around your own mixed feelings, your own mixed needs, your own messiness, and to accept that within that, you might be in a conflict with someone where it feels like you have to respond immediately, but you know if you respond immediately you're going to show up as purple or yellow; you're not going to show up with the clarity of what you actually feel because you have these parts that are survival mechanisms. Does this make sense?

Squirrel: Yeah. It makes a lot of sense because it is like when those conflict situations arise, I do take a beat. I don't go at it immediately. But there is this whole intense way in which I'm feeling the activation, which I will call the yellow in this situation, while in my head I'm also equally just being like, "Okay. Okay. But this is what is actually happening." And it's very⁠—like trying to rationalize it but also empathize with what's going on and suppressing, big-time suppressing.

There is that⁠—there's that massive⁠—that blowout, while there's the other bit, which is just like, "Okay, okay, okay. This is going⁠—yep. Yep. That's fine. That's fine. Sure. Okay. Yeah. But hold on. Calm. Just breathe, and just kind of take stock of what's going on. Okay. Okay," and pretending like the yellow is gone. It's still very much there. My heart is still [indiscernible 00:53:52], but I'm operating from that⁠—the way I sort of present in front of people, which is like when I have that stress in me, which is just like, "Hold it together. Pull it together. Be pretty. Smile and be cute and be likeable," and sort of doing the same thing in conflict situations, essentially plastering the cracks with the Libraness.

Jessica: Yes. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. That is so well said. So that process is a form of self-abandonment. It's placing responding in a situation in a, quote unquote, "appropriate" way, classic Venus shit⁠—placing that as way more important than being true to you. The truth is, in a situation where you're in a conflict, you are not capable of being instantly true to you. Neither am I. Most of us cannot do that instantly. I mean, sometimes we can. As we age, hopefully we practice more and more, and so we get better and better and better and better and better and better.

But sometimes, when we have a conflict, we have to say, "I'm feeling really activated," or, "I'm feeling really triggered," or, "I'm having a lot of emotions in response to what you just said. I feel like I need to take a step back from this conversation right now. I know you want me to respond, but if I do, I know I'm not going to be able to be really honest. And I just need a minute." And that minute might mean a week. It might mean a day. It might mean an hour.

I am of the mind⁠—and again, I'm such a Capricorn, but I am of the mind that when we as individuals are the ones saying, "I'm asserting a boundary here, and I'm not going to talk to you about this anymore," it is our responsibility to tell the person when we will talk to them and give them a reasonable expectation that we honor because, otherwise, that becomes a manipulation. Fucking boundaries are so hard.

So being able to say⁠—let's say this is with your mother-in-law, your partner, your friend, whatever⁠—being able to say, "I'm feeling super triggered." If you're having a texting conversation, you can say, "Give me a couple hours. I promise I'm going to respond to you before dinner, but I just need to sit with my emotions." And then the work is⁠—and if it's something with your partner about something big, you can say, "Give me a couple weeks to sit with this. I'm going to put it in my book. I'm going to set an alarm in my phone. On this date, I'm going to actually have something productive to say that you can really trust is real." And you give yourself time to cycle through lots of feelings and versions of the truth to land on what's most authentic.

But whether you're giving yourself a couple hours or you're giving yourself a month, my advice is to then not try to figure out what to say. I know. I know. The Venus in you is just like, "No, no, no, no, no. That's the job." It's not the job. The figuring out what to say is the final step, not the first step.

Squirrel: Yes. I mean, I started like, "Oh my God. What am I going to say?"

Jessica: Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So what you start with is, "What is authentic for me in this moment?"

Squirrel: Oh.

Jessica: Yeah. So that might mean making two lists. "I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad. I feel bad. I feel angry. I feel resentful." Just feelings. Feelings words⁠—one list. The second list is your thoughts. "This isn't fair. I should do this. They should do that." The more analytic⁠—I mean, you have so much air in you. So it's like your ideas column. So ideas column, feelings column. And then you sit with it. And you don't sit with it to figure out what to say. You're still not there. You still don't do that.

Then you figure out what's true. What's authentic to you? You might figure out, "Okay. What's authentic to me is I am defensive about this pattern. I am annoyed with this person and this situation. I want to be in a relationship with them that things are easy and that they like me and I like them. I don't know what to do. I want to make it all go away." I'm just going to what I see as your big common themes.

So you sit with all of that, and you still don't try to figure out what to say. Sit with that mess, and then you kind of continue to allow yourself to breathe into that well of emotion that you can feel right now is coming up, that overwhelm. And I can feel it. I can feel it building in your system. So you breathe into it. Just take a second to try to do that. Breathe into it. You're thinking about it too much, but you're doing it a little. It's just about literally locating it in your body. I'm seeing it in your chest. Is that right?

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah, because as you were saying it and you were like, "You still won't think about what to say," I was picturing myself in that situation, and I'm like, "I have to give them a response by dinner." I'm not allowed to think about what to say.

Jessica: Correct.

Squirrel: And the instant you picked it up, I was like [crosstalk].

Jessica: Right. Right. You were like, "Oh God. It's so overwhelming." So, in that situation⁠—so there's a couple things. One is you're not going to say, "I'll tell you by dinner," to someone who's triggered you⁠—on a scale from 1 to 10 who's triggered you at an 8. You can't tell them by dinner. Sometimes you'll have to, right? Sometimes there's situations where they're like, "Are you coming over for dinner tomorrow night?" And you're like, "I want to murder them. I never want to go over for dinner. I want to burn the bridge. Also, they're asking me to come over for dinner. What's the big deal about that? That's not a problem." You have the mixed emotions, the yellow and the purple and the yellow and the purple.

So what you're going to do is you're going to acknowledge that that urge to respond right away is in part a habit and a pattern around making yourself likable and disassociating from emotions. And in different situations, it's going to be more one than the other. It's a pattern around disassociating from your emotions because if you figure out what to say, then everything's done. Obviously, that's not true, because you fucking ruminate. But that's what the pattern says.

So what this is really about is recognizing that you want to figure out what is authentic and then make a decision based on that. And if what you're trying to do is to figure out how to be diplomatic, what to say, how to show up, then you've abandoned figuring out what's authentic, which is why the goal of being authentic in relationships is a bad goal if you can't tolerate being authentic with your own emotions in the privacy of your own inner solar system.

And I want to say I think very, very, very few human beings that are pre-Saturn Return are good at this. And I think very few human beings that are post-Saturn Return are good at this. But to expect to be good at this pre-Saturn Return is just unrealistic, and that doesn't mean and so give it up. It means so don't be hard on yourself, because you've only been in adulthood negotiating boundaries where you actually have power and agency for less than ten years. Right? Less than a decade. So how are you supposed to have figured out one of the hardest things that humans can do in less than a decade, while you're also paying bills, going to school, and having a job and da-da-da-da-da?

So, kind of coming back to the pattern, it's figuring out what's authentic and then what your goals are. So you may have a friend who you're like, "This motherfucker, they call me and they talk and talk and talk and talk about themselves, and they never really ask me anything about myself until the last five minutes. Then, when I start to tell them about myself, they get off the phone because we've already talked on the phone for too long," or whatever. You might have that kind of a relationship because people do tell you a lot about themselves, it looks like. Is that right?

Squirrel: Yeah, for sure.

Jessica: So you might have a situation where it's not even a fucking conflict. It's that they've invited you to go away for a weekend, and there's a part of you that's like, "Yeah. I would love to go away for a weekend with a friend. Of course, I do." And the other part of you is like, "So I can be their therapist? Why?" and really struggle with that, right? And so, in this situation, it would really be about making the decision⁠—so, again, you're telling them you have to wait to make a decision⁠—and then sitting with, "Okay. I want x, y, and z. I know I will only get a, b, and c. Is it worth it to me still? What am I using my agency to choose to do?"

And whether we're dealing with conflict or just negotiating shit in relationships, when you come back to, "What am I using my agency to do?" when you come back to, "What is authentic to me, and how am I showing up? What am I doing?" then what to say becomes a lot easier to figure out. If you're just trying to figure out what to say, you're going to be coming from such a chaotic inner place that you are more likely to have a very pleasant-seeming chaotic way of engaging. Does that make sense, what I'm saying?

Squirrel: Yep.

Jessica: Yeah.

Squirrel: Absolutely.

Jessica: And I don't know about you, but if I have a friend who I know will always tell me the truth, who I know if I say, "Hey, do you want to go out for dinner?" and they're just in a shitty mood and they don't really want to go out for dinner because they can't really show up⁠—I want them to say no. I want them to say, "I can't do it. Talk to you later. Bye," or whatever. I want a friend to tell me if I have spinach my teeth. I want to know. I want the truth, personally.

I think most of us really want the truth from our friends. But most of us are not giving the truth to our friends because we don't want to be mean, rude, too much, whatever. And I just wanted to reflect that back to you because, having so many placements in Libra, relationships are really important to you. I don't see that ever changing for you, where your interpersonal relationships are really important. And that means that finding ways of being really authentic with yourself have to mean being authentic with other people because you are so relational.

I think the thing we don't talk about in relationships enough is that the foundation of all of our relationships with every other human on the planet is in some way a reflection on our relationship with ourselves. And if we have a good relationship with our own insights and our own messy, chaotic, ugly, beautiful⁠—all the parts, all the parts⁠—if we don't have that relationship foundationally okay, then we don't have the tools to pull from to show up with and for others, whether it's in self-defense or not.

So, all that said, did we hit this topic? Do you have a final question? You tell me.

Squirrel: Yeah. I mean, absolutely. It does feel a lot more clear, and what you're saying makes a lot of sense for sure. My last question would really be around the Mars and the Pluto just being so high up in my chart. And I'm quite a bit of a big nerd as far as astrology goes. I see that; I'm like, "Oh, does that mean I'll come across as more confrontational or more intense?" I have, in the past, been called intense. And that's a very soft spot for me as someone who, essentially, as you can probably tell, goes really out of her way to not seem intense.

Jessica: Yeah.

Squirrel: Yeah. I don't know if that was a question.

Jessica: Yeah. It is. It is. And I can answer it. So a couple things. The first is you have a stellium in the eighth house. So, even if you didn't have those placements, you're intense. And I don't want that to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. I don't think being intense is a bad thing. I think intensity is a requirement for this fucking world. Your emotional capacity, your energetic capacity, is deep and wide. And that's intense, and God bless it. You know what I mean? I am a fan. I'm a fan of intensity.

So I would encourage you to think about all the people that you respect the most, that inspire you the most in life, and ask yourself if any of them are not intense, because intense⁠—I know, especially for women, there's a lot of shit about being intense. But intensity is really just the ability to show up emotionally. But your Mars placement is square to your Ascendant. So you have Mars square to your Ascendant. That'll make you come across as intense in any zodiac sign, whether it's in Scorpio or not. But certainly, the fact that it's in Scorpio⁠—yes. Sure. Absolutely. You can come off as intense sometimes.

I think you would not have cut off your in-laws if you didn't have that placement. You just would have sucked it up forever. So I don't think it's a bad thing. But I would say you have Mars conjunct your Midheaven and Pluto conjunct your Midheaven, but Mars and Pluto are not conjunct because they're too far away. There's lots of things I would say about these placements in the context of other topics in your nature and in your life, like career and all that kind of stuff.

But the thing is with these placements that is relative to our topic is that you want to be recognized as an important person. You want to be recognized as a person with her own will. You want to be validated and recognized as a strong person. And that is in conflict with your Libra stellium that's like, "I'm just a girl. Don't worry about me. I'm a supporting character. Everything's fine." So there's, again, purple, yellow. You have these very different drives.

And the thing that's cool about astrology that is different than psychology is astrology gives us, "Each planet indicates different parts of our nature." And so it's not about becoming one tidy blob. It's about recognizing that there is a part of you that your Libra stellium does not like, and that part of you is like, "Yeah, I'm a fucking force to be reckoned with. Don't tell me what to do. Yes, I am a powerful person, and I can make my own fucking decisions." And then your Libra wouldn't cuss, is totally happy to compromise about everything.

And what you really want and what you need is, first of all, to come to greater acceptance of those parts, and then, second of all, to come to acceptance that some people will really like your intensity, and some people won't. And you will experience your intensity as combativeness with some people, and with other people, it's passion. It's excitement. It's fun, because Mars governs all of those things.

So, with your partner, the two of you are goofy. I mean, you didn't tell me this, but I can see it. The two of you are goofy. You play. You laugh. You find similar things exciting and interesting, and you think it's cute the way the other person is excited and interested by things. Am I seeing this correctly?

Squirrel: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Jessica: Yeah. That's Mars. That's none of your Libra shit. That's Mars at the top of your chart. If you identify, "Oh, there are things in my chart that kind of articulate I am intense, and I can feel intense feelings, and I know when other people call me intense, I think it's an insult," that's something for you to practice sitting, coming to acceptance around. And acceptance is self-awareness. It's not consent. So it's about being able to be aware that you know you experience intensity, and you know that it's been weaponized against you. And you know that you have your own judgments around it, and you don't know anything else than those three things.

So this is like a great topic for therapy, of sitting with coming to greater awareness about the ways in which you are intense, the ways in which you try to smoosh it down, the ways in which it leaks out of you, the ways in which you enjoy it and it makes your life better. It's that level of self-awareness empowers you to navigate these parts of yourself with greater intention.

Think of it this way. Somebody who's athletic and has really great muscles and practices every day, all the time, they can lift something heavy and then walk on a tightrope⁠—like Simone Biles⁠—can do weird things with their bodies that when you try to do the smallest version of it, you're like, "No. It's not going to work. My muscles don't do this."⁠

It's when we practice and develop our muscles with intention we can do things that, at other times, it's just like, "My body is a blunt-force instrument. It does nothing with grace. It does nothing with strength because I don't practice it in that way," whereas if you can practice building the muscle of acceptance⁠—"I am intense in these situations. I am intense in these ways. Sometimes my intensity is my greatest asset. Sometimes it is a bit of a liability. And I'm going to practice building up the muscle of being aware of what's happening when and not smooshing it down, not judging myself, but having more agility with how I navigate these parts of myself."

Then, if we're talking about this as purple⁠—I lost track of which is purple and which is yellow. Let's say we're calling this purple. Then it can be lavender, and it can be Barney purple, and it can be almost a velvety night sky. Then you have a dial, like a nice analog dial, where you can turn it up, turn it down. You have agility and you have agency, whereas when you're constantly like, "No, no, no, no, no. I can't hear it. I can't see it. I don't want to touch it. It's ugly," then you have no skill. Then you're like me on an acrobat beam. It's like nothing is happening. I can't do anything. And then it kind of validates your fears.

So, again, what I kind of want to point you to is practicing staying present with emotions because if we experience the emotions instead of trying to abandon ourselves or beat them into submission or whatever else we do to ourselves, if we actually experience the emotions, then we start to come into alignment. And from a place of alignment, what you choose to say or what you choose to do⁠—it's going to be right for you. If you make a mistake, it's a mistake based on what's in alignment instead of a mistake based on defenses or insecurities or trying to be a good girl when that's not actually how you feel and that's not actually what's right for you.

So it's a practice. And it's a slow, slow, slow practice, but it is a practice I think that you can adopt and would work for you and also drive you fucking crazy and annoy you. Learning how to give yourself permission to be annoyed and impatient is a really healthy thing because, yeah, you can be annoyed and impatient, and that passes. It passes. It's not an indication of something being wrong with you or even something being wrong. Sometimes it's just irritation; that's all it is.

And if you're allowed to experience it, then it doesn't get lodged in and become a resentment, which⁠—again, I want to point to your mother-in-law, who you can see how every irritation becomes this deep-seated resentment. Something where you're like, "That was not a big deal," for her, she doesn't ever let it go. And she wasn't like this when she was your age. She's like this now because certain patterns⁠—over time, they become twisted up into something else. So this is, again, very good motivation for working on your shit right now, which you are doing, which you are 100 percent doing.

So yeah. There is your reading, my dear.

Squirrel: Thank you so much. That was just what I needed to hear.