Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Welcome to Ghost. When someone doesn't know their birth time in astrology, there's a technique that can be used that's called rectification. And it helps us to identify the time of birth when one isn't available. In this episode, I give a reading to writer and astrologer David Odyssey, and our conversation begins with rectification. Enjoy.

David: Jesus, take the wheel.

Jessica: Okay. Great. It's perfect. It's perfect. That's very Jewish of you. So how did you come up with this verkakte birth time?

David: My parents are divorced in such a way that even asking, "Hey, when was I born?"⁠—they'll disagree about that.

Jessica: Yes.

David: My father is an OB-GYN professionally, so in this case, when it comes to a child's birth time, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He says it's this, but I'm certain it can't just be this. I'm sure he's⁠—

Jessica: 2:00 a.m. on the dot. There's no way.

David: Because it's in Israel, dealing with Misrad Hapnim, getting my birth certificate has just been a bit of a pain in the ass.

Jessica: Okay.

David: So this is the best we've got.

Jessica: And you're comfortable with me sharing your birth information, May 9th, 1990, 2:00 a.m. in Tel Aviv, Israel.

David: May 6th, but you got it correctly on the chart, so yes.

Jessica: May 6th. I said⁠—you're right. You're right. I just said it wrong. Sorry.

David: You got it.

Jessica: We're going back to 2012.

David: Oh, big year. Big year.

Jessica: Okay. And how old are you at this point?

David: 2012, I turned 22.

Jessica: Okay. So you're not that young. So⁠—fuck. But there is two transits at once. Fucking hell. Okay. So bear with me. This is how I rectify. I cuss a lot. It's part of my process. So we're starting in the spring of 2013, actually. For two years after the spring of 2013, this would be a period where you were really struggling to figure out what you were doing with your life, where you were going. Maybe there was problems with your parents. Anything like that going on?

David: Yes. By the end of 2013, I had a very beautiful Jewish community in LA, and I had settled. And at the end of 2013, I said, "Enough is enough. I'm moving to New York." In 2014, there was a moment my rabbi said to me, "What are you doing? This might be a huge mistake." And then, 2014 through 2015, I was in New York and largely languishing until mid-summer of 2015, when I got a job. But even then, I was still really languishing in uncertainty and kind of, "What have I done? Why am I here?" etc. So that makes sense.

Jessica: And religion had a fair amount to do with this crisis, like the community, the leaving, the starting, the direction?

David: Yeah. It's like artistic identity versus spiritual identity, and artistic identity called me to New York; spiritual identity called me to LA. And we're still kind of dealing with that.

Jessica: I mean, so far, this is checking out because that would have been when your Neptune square to the Midheaven occurred, but not just that. That ended in 2014, but then what happened was Saturn conjoined your Midheaven. So it kind of brought you from confusion to a thud of reality and consequences by the time the summer of '15 happened.

David: Yes. And that job I got in 2015 was to become an editor at Time Out New York, and that job⁠—it kind of set me up in New York because I was suddenly exposed to performers and theater and drag, and I started meeting all these artists and interesting people. It landed me, and I really battled against it. But it did kind of situate me in a big way. But yes. It was not necessarily like a total happy ending. There was a huge thud with reality, like, "What have I done? Why am I here? How am I going to pay for this? What is the point of all this?"

Jessica: Okay. So I'm actually sticking with this chart, then, because my gut instinct is it's off, but it's not off by much.

David: Okay.

Jessica: That's my gut instinct because I think the timing of the creative crisis with community and just even the fact that you mentioned a rabbi in the story⁠—that is very Neptune square the Midheaven. Are you still part of a similar kind of spiritual community? I guess AA is, but⁠—

David: I'm actually back right now in LA. I'm back visiting that community, and it's like nothing's changed. It's like I never left, basically, eight years later.

Jessica: Interesting. Interesting. Okay.

David: And by the way, over the last two years, I've become an initiate in the Orphic Mysteries, and yes, I'm in Twelve Steps. So I have definitely expanded the arena through which I engage with all of this. I'm no longer merely Jewish. There's quite a lot happening.

Jessica: Okay.

David: Yeah. I'm an astrologer. I'm all of it.

Jessica: All the things. Okay. We're going to stick with this chart. I think it's a good enough one to work on, so that feels good. And there are so many things in your birth chart that reiterate that, from your Pisces interception to Jupiter as a focal planet to a T-square. So, to me, this would happen one way or another, that you would be part of lots of spiritual communities or find yourself drawn to spirituality.

But, all of this said, David Odyssey, we are here to give you a reading. I'm very excited. Is there anything specific or general that you want a reading about?

David: Yeah. Let me say, Jessica, this is a huge treat for me. I am a younger practicing astrologer, but it is my job. And having it turned on me by you is such a treat. I'm ready to be gagged and dazzled. So, to answer your question, I'm in a bit of a crossroads where I've been⁠—in my journey as an astrologer and as an initiate, I've started to tap into channeling and a lot of gifts that I never knew I had five years ago. I don't really understand where I'm supposed to go with them or where I should be or what I should be doing to fulfill them at their highest potential.

And I've always thought of myself as an artist, and I'm trying to understand how does this all work, and how can this be put to the highest good and the highest service? And where do I need to be to take care of myself and support myself? So I'm at a big crossroads, so I'm really grateful to be doing this.

Jessica: When you say, "Where do I need to be?" are you speaking about this kind of metaphorically and spiritually, or do you mean physically/location?

David: Honestly, physically/location.

Jessica: Okay.

David: Yeah. Everything is kind of up in the air right now. I just, two weeks ago, put everything I own in a storage. Until my Uranus/Sun conjunction is over, I'm kind of hanging in there.

Jessica: Great. And when you say that you're an artist, what's your medium?

David: I'm a writer. I always dreamed of writing comic books and writing comic book movies. I've always written as a journalist, and I write in all sorts of different ways, but yeah, I'm kind of trying to see how that all fits in. How do I express myself and be a channel, etc.?

Jessica: And that brings me to the big question, which is⁠—you used the words "initiate" and the words "channeling." Yeah, that's right. You're talking to a Capricorn. So I want you to tell me what you think those words mean, not because I'm like, "Oh, you don't know what these words mean," but everyone means something different when they use these words unless they're in the same room coming up with the definition for a week first.

David: Yes.

Jessica: So what do you mean when you say those two things?

David: I'm glad you asked. "Initiate" means that I have, over the past few years, undergone formal and non-formal training/study/exploration into more esoteric/paganistic/shamanistic modes of ancient modalities, forms, texts, and ways of traveling to other, maybe, realms, interfacing with archetypes or gods or kind of inner parts or higher powers. And "channeling" means that I have been having the experience of being a vessel for other people's guides, planets, archetypes, loved ones, ancestors, higher powers, etc. to come through me and speak to them.

Jessica: Okay. Do you want to counsel people, a.k.a. meet one-on-one with people, and support their individual healing work?

David: Yes. That work of doing one-on-one readings has been such a gift, and I get so much out of it.

Jessica: I think that this is a really important thing because when you're talking about the ways in which you've studied, none of that is about counseling. All of it is about either theoretical/philosophical/spiritual or your individual experiential, which can be shared with clients, of course. But it's not counseling-specific. And this is why I asked the question just to see, is that on purpose or is that just you haven't gone there yet. But it is on purpose?

David: Yeah. I never knew that I would be doing this kind of work. And I have gotten to do it with hundreds of people, and I love it. And I do think that I have gained the counseling ethics to feel safe doing it. But I've met people who meet with an astrologer every week. I don't think that that would ever be me. I'm the kind of person where, every six months, maybe, you check in with me and I can point you on your way.

Jessica: Okay. So you're describing what you're doing. But what I'm asking is what you really want.

David: So it's not what I want.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah, because you're in your Saturn Return, and your Saturn is not just in Capricorn; it's in the twelfth house. And so being able to really find yourself, locate yourself, and identify what you resonate with, what you don't, what you want to take on⁠—because part of what you described is going from LA to New York and trying to find your place. And so this is part of why I'm kind of getting underneath the details here, is to help you to both⁠—for me so I can help you, but also for yourself⁠—to identify where the "yes" is, where there's not a clear answer, and where there's a "no."

David: I'm grateful, Jew on Jew, that you're kind of tightening it on me. My Saturn is in the twelfth house, and there is this sense that what I think I'm called to do isn't necessarily what I want to do. And there is this sense that a lot of the gifts that come through⁠—I'm the last to know about it, and I'm kind of not even conscious that they're happening. This work, which has changed my life⁠—I never thought I would do it, and I still don't even understand what it is. And I don't really have much conscious awareness of it. It feels like it's just going right through me. The thing that I've always wanted is⁠ I want to write the next Wonder Woman movie. That is my ego conception of myself. So there's a bit of a conflict here. Yes.

Jessica: I wouldn't say that's a conflict. This idea that people have about spirituality in general, and in particular twelfth-house Piscean stuff of "What am I supposed to do with this? This is happening at me. What am I supposed to do?"⁠—I am not firmly convicted that we are supposed to do anything other than make choice. When you say that, I'm actually not hearing your Saturn in the twelfth house. I'm hearing your Mars in Pisces intercepted in the first house.

And so I use Campanus houses. I don't know if you have an interception with whatever house systems you use. What I am hearing is, "I get to be dynamic. I get to be assertive. I get to be passionate but not in control," or, "I get to be control but not passionate, not directive." So it's like this either/or that was modeled for you by one of your parents in your early developmental environment, right?

David: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: So this is a massive part of who you are. But what I want to just stay really focused on is to say you get to be passionate about what you're doing. You get to make choices. And a lot of times⁠—and you're not the only one. I cannot count how many emails⁠—I literally couldn't count if I tried⁠—how many emails I have from people being like, "I am having this spiritual experience. What am I supposed to do?" There's not always a supposed to. Just because you're a great singer doesn't mean you're supposed to go on America's Got Talent, and just because you're a great singer and you don't go on America's Got Talent doesn't mean you're supposed to do x or y or z. There's not one way.

And I think, with spirituality, for lots of reasons, people have the feeling that there's something we're supposed to do with it. So I want to start off by saying this can be a passion for you. This can be personal exploration for you. You can take on clients at periods of your life where it feels like a yes and not in periods of your life where it doesn't feel like an emphatic yes. I want to be really emphatic about that for you because listen. You've got this beautiful Venus in the first house in Aries opposite your Moon in Libra, and they both form a square to Jupiter in Cancer in the fifth house. Yeah, you want to make art. And Jupiter in the fifth house conjunct Chiron? Yeah, you want it to have meaning. You want it to have a moral or to be some sort of Chironic⁠—like it's a struggle. You mentioned Wonder Woman. Yeah. That makes sense.

But also, it's art for art's sake. It's Jupiter. You know what I mean? It's Venus. It's the Moon. It's like creativity and play because it's fun and creative, not because you're trying to make the next movie that secretly teaches you astrology or something like that. That might be one of your quirk passions, but it's not actually the point. You are an artist. And I don't think this has to happen at the expense of your spiritual callings and passions, but it also doesn't have to happen together. We are not machines. Nothing has to get written in stone.

And now I'm speaking to your Saturn in the twelfth. The Saturn in the twelfth is like, "I don't understand structure. I don't get boundaries. So I'm going to have to write everything in stone and make permanent decisions because I'm proving to myself that I can," where the real lesson with that Saturn in the twelfth is more related to backbone. It's more related to remembering that you are a self and that you are worth returning to and honoring what you've determined to be authentic to you, what you can and what you can't do kind of thing. But it's not about making permanent, forever decisions, because I don't know that that's actually your happy place.

I know you're a Taurus, so you're like, "Give me the answer, and then I'll stick to the answer." But it's ultimately⁠—your chart speaks to being really grounded and there when you're there. But when you're not there, you're somewhere else, and you're really grounded and in that place when you are. Does this make sense?

David: It makes a lot of sense. I associate this with my Saturn, and I think it goes very well with my Mars, too. There is a fear that what I think works or what I think is the thing I want or I should be doing is my own little idea that's very limited and myopic and kind of fixed and stuck, which feels very Taurean. And then what's actually coming in, what's showing up, what's working, what's calling, what's feeling good is often very different.

And this is where I get into these kind of equivalencies of, "I need to make a choice. One is working; one isn't. I don't have a say in what happens to me. I don't know what's going to happen. I need to stop even wanting things," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So everything you're saying is true. I think I have this way of kind of condemning that complexity, though.

Jessica: Yeah. This is also an age thing. I don't think there are very many people who have the particular markers in your chart that you have that could come to a sense of mastering comfort with this stuff before the Saturn Return is fully integrated, a.k.a. before 33 years old. So you're not behind schedule. You're in the exact struggle that you're meant to be in. Not knowing the answer or making a mistake and choosing the wrong thing doesn't mean you're not on your path. It means that your path is, right now, learning from mistakes.

And we get so materialistic, in a way, about our own spiritual evolution and development where we're like, "Okay. We're either right or we're wrong." But the truth is I look back at my life, and I think about the biggest pivotal learning moments I had, and they weren't from being right. They weren't from perfectly being aligned⁠—not consistently. Sometimes, but definitely not all the time. And I know it's not just me. I know that's most people. If you think back to your own most pivotal growth moments, were they because everything was chill and you just knew, or is it because you made a mistake or a misstep and you learned?

We need to get to something really important here, which is not exactly what you're asking, although I want to definitely answer what you're asking. But it's really about, how do you make choices? How do you live with the choices that you make? Because that you have a calling to the arts⁠—obvi, duh, you're doing it. That you have a calling to the esoteric arts⁠—obvi, duh, you're doing it. Right? Both of those things are a yes.

But what you don't have is a sense of full self-acceptance. And when it comes to navigating "Is it chocolate or peanut butter today?" it's hard for you to make that call. It's hard for you to make that call. So do me a favor. Will you say all your names for me?

David: [redacted]

Jessica: You're missing a name. Do you have a middle name as well?

David: No middle name.

Jessica: What am I missing? Is it your mom's last name?

David: My mom's maiden name is [redacted].

Jessica: That's what I was missing. Okay. So there's two things that I'm doing at once here. One is I'm looking at your mom's energy, which is very intense. And it's very intense for you, so it's not just that she has intense energy. It's intense for you. And then the other thing that I'm saying is that when you get overwhelmed emotionally⁠—not mentally, but emotionally⁠—it feels really kind of chaotic and hard to focus your thoughts. So it makes sense why you go straight to indecision, because it feels like an old-school chalkboard when you erase the words, but you can still kind of see words underneath it, but it's all smooshed up. Do you know what I'm talking about?

David: Yes. There's also a lot of smoke.

Jessica: That makes sense. And do you smoke? Is that why?

David: No.

Jessica: It's just your brain.

David: But when you see the chalk getting smeared on the wall and that dust and smoke comes up and you're like (coughs)⁠—that's like what happens for me a lot where it's just like, "Okay, we have to sit down."

Jessica: This is a response to your mother's energy, in a way. It's very familiar. You've been like this, it looks like, a lot of your life. And it is a lot of response to your mother's energy, the ways that she can be a bit rigid. And it actually is really core. I mean, this is classic Saturn Return conversation. But it's really core to what you're dealing with now. Have you heard the term "interjected perpetrator"?

David: No. Go on.

Jessica: Okay. I shall. I shall. So the interjected perpetrator⁠—it's like you have, let's say, a parent⁠, just as an example. And your parent in your childhood is really rigid and makes you feel a particular kind of way. And you push them away, and you're like, "No, Mom. I don't like this. I get to be free. I get to make choices." And then you move on in your life, and you're free and you're making choices. But you have interjected⁠—in other words, internalized⁠—the very energy/attitudes/language that you tried to reject, and it becomes one of your own inner voices.

So now you kind of have this internal dialogue of rigidity where you're trying to force yourself to make a decision and do all the things that your mom kind of would do, not just to you⁠; this is just kind of how she is. And then you have the exact same response.

David: A huge breakthrough this year is that I've done IFS, internal family systems, and I've been doing parts work. And two of the parts that I've been really working with are the controller and the enforcer, who are both basically keeping up the dogma of the past and enforcing it on myself and using it to judge others and judge myself. So what you're saying is, to me, resonating very strong.

Jessica: Yeah. Basically, there's three separate ways we can frame it: the way I worded it, the way you worded it, and, "I have Saturn in Capricorn in the twelfth house. They're all synonyms." And this is why we love astrology, because it's shorthand. But the thing I'm saying is that there is this way that you have this interjected perpetrator, or these parts, that create so much confusion. But let me tell you what it's good for, because we only do things⁠—no matter how maladjusted, no matter how much pain or stress it causes, we do things because our survival mechanisms believe that they will help us in a meaningful way.

So the reason why you do this is because you don't know how to make a choice, so it's easier to feel like you can't. So it's that Neptune intercepted the first house. "It's not my fault. I can't." And I'm not saying that it's not true that you feel that way, but that you are getting something out of feeling that way. And that part's really valuable, too.

So, while you're working with family systems⁠—which is not work I do, but I know a bit about it⁠—I would encourage you to invite in the part that's getting something out of not being able to see the truth, not being able to mobilize, not being⁠—not just allowed, but not being able to even begin to cope, because there is a way that that Neptunian/Piscean energy that we're talking about here can get its power and its leverage through martyrdom or "I can't."

David: Completely.

Jessica: That said, as I look at you psychically and I see what happens in your head, in those moments, yeah, you can't. You're not making that up. You can't. It's too overwhelming. It's too confusing. But in those moments, that's where I would recommend that you do some sort of grounding exercise. And it sounds like you have lots of different spiritual systems you work with, so I'm sure that there's one that you've already established. But when you get to that feeling of overwhelm and the erased board is all smoky and shmiggy and all the stuff, that's where you bring your energy back into your body.

So what I do is I say my name three times out loud, and I use all the names: mother's maiden, government name, chosen, whatever nicknames I have. I use all the names to call back all my energy to me. When I asked you for your name, I couldn't see this problem. I had to ask for your mother's maiden name to see this problem because it comes out of your matrilineage. And that's why I like to name all the names to bring all the parts, even the parts that we haven't integrated yet or that we have struggle or judgment with.

So bringing all that back into your system⁠—I know it sounds like it would be scary, but it actually makes you more whole. And when you're more whole, you might be like, "Oh, I can't figure this out," instead of chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos. You know what I mean? That will empower you. Now, the other thing is⁠—let's not skip past this⁠—you've got a fucking Libra Moon. So you're not going to be the most decisive of all the people in the room, and that's okay.

You've also got this Neptune/Uranus conjunction opposite your Jupiter. It's not a particularly decisive placement. Pluto opposite Mercury and the Sun? Not especially decisive. Sometimes dogmatic and rigid, yes, but decisive? Not exactly. And Saturn in the twelfth⁠—all of these things articulate, "If it's not perfect, it's wrong. And if it's wrong, I don't want to put my hands on it." Have you ever written a list of your priorities?

David: I have written a list of my ambitions and my⁠—

Jessica: No.

David: So I've not written a list of my priorities, to answer your question.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. That's great. That's great. That's great. And I love that you heard ambitions as the same as priorities, because they're not.

David: Okay.

Jessica: So your ambitions may be write a movie or work with seven clients this week. Your priority may be have peace. Have play in balance with work. They're really different things.

David: To be honest, I have really been working on that, especially as I've been considering where I want to live. I've really been trying to understand, what do I need in my daily life? And I feel like, what do I need in my daily life? What's important to me? What do I want to have around me? But I've only just begun that journey, so I'm glad that you're pushing me on it.

Jessica: Great. Great, because when it comes to our ambitions, whether they're internal or external ambitions, that's Mars' language. So it's the things we're trying to make happen. When we deal with priorities, some of that may encompass what we're trying to make happen, but a lot of it is actually how we want to feel. So this kind of brings me back to your central list. If your priorities are spiritual development for the journey, coming closer to wholeness, that's a beautiful thing. If your priority is, "I want to do more in-depth work with clients," that's also beautiful, but that's a different priority. And you said no because that's not exactly what you want to do, more in-depth work with clients, correct?

David: Correct.

Jessica: Okay. So this is what I wanted to get to because I could see that psychically from the get. If it's not about facilitating work with clients, then there is no time limit. Then you don't need to figure out what to do with your spiritual gifts and how to develop them because you don't have to do it, because it's not an ambition, because it's not the thing you're trying to achieve. Instead, it's a path that you find yourself on. And so the question to ask yourself is not, "What should I do with my channeling or spiritual path?" but instead, "Is what I'm doing in alignment? Am I coming at this aligned?" because if your guidance says wear a pink hat and you're like, "But I feel like the blue hat's really cute and I want to wear the blue hat," then you have a choice.

But the choice isn't always listen to your guides. Don't always listen to your guides. I think that's bonkers, personally. And I say that as a person who tries really hard to listen to my guides. The reason why I say this is because I don't believe we're meant to be obedient. And I'm a fucking Capricorn. But I really do not believe we are meant to be obedient. I believe we're went to be whole. And so, within that, I have personally seen, many times, and experienced that our guides will point us in the wrong direction. Not literally, but they know we're misunderstanding what they're saying or they're trying to get us to learn a lesson that could take six years. But if we're really miserable, it could take three months. You know what I mean?

And we have choice with that. We have choice. We have agency. And I think when we kind of abandon our common sense, abandon our agency, that takes us further from our spirituality instead of closer to it. Now, I know a lot of people would disagree with me about this because a lot of people's spirituality is very different than that, but that is my take. And I don't know. Does that feel wrong to you, or is that in alignment with your shtick?

David: Yes. It's been a big thing I've been negotiating this year, which is⁠—I'm at once more surrendered to my guides than ever before, but I also feel like my guides have led me to this very Taurean reclamation of my body, my desires, my selfhood. So I am now trying to affirm that, too. So I'm understanding what you're saying about there being a balance.

Jessica: Yeah. It is about a balance and to understand that we cannot do all the things at once. You can't get involved in the perfect writing project, pay your bills, have fun, hook up, hang out with friends, have a deep spiritual life⁠—all these things at 80 to 100 degrees all the time. It's not possible. If we're dealing with 100 percent, you can only do a certain percentage of all the things at given times.

It's very hard to be patient, but I think a big part of what you're going through is identifying where you're not patient and where that's okay and where that isn't, where that's okay because you're a person and that's life, and then where that is something that needs to be worked on, because I will say to the part of you that is working with channeling⁠—you can disagree with me on this, and lots of people would, okay? But the more you do channeling⁠—like if you're, let's say, channeling the dead for a client, and if you're not holding a container, it gets real messy and it can be very dangerous for you or for the client.

So the more in-depth channeling work you do, from my perspective⁠—and again, you don't have to agree with me on this. I don't think what I think is the only way, but it kind of begs you to be more of a counselor. And if you don't want that⁠—because it doesn't really look like you do, and I could see that you might at some point, but it doesn't look like you do at this time⁠—then I would keep that to⁠—not keep it to yourself like keep it private, but keep it sacred for your own spiritual work for yourself, in the world, with your communities, as opposed to client work.

David: That's something to think about. That's interesting.

Jessica: The other part of it is some doors can't be unopened. And when one is a channel, it creates this hypersensitivity that does make it hard to walk around town and be super normie as though you don't feel everything. How do you go to Gay Pride with thousands and thousands of people and have a fun time when you're an open channel?

David: I went to a movie theater yesterday, and I just came home with a migraine.

Jessica: Yeah. For me, movie theaters⁠—and it really bums out everyone I've ever dated. Movie theaters are like a torture chamber for me. I can't go to them because people go into a movie theater to let go of all their shit and completely disassociate, and you're immersed in this thing, which is great. It's individually great, but then if you're somebody who picks up on energy, it can make you feel really awful. So I always leave a movie theater much worse than I entered it.

All to say just because you can doesn't mean you should. And just because you can and you want to doesn't mean you have to quickly, all at once, or right now. So, again, I'm just pointing you back towards agency⁠—not like I'm trying to say don't do this or don't explore this, but I am saying it is not an unqualified gift. If you're a great singer, then you either sing or you don't sing. But you don't have to sing, whereas once you open up that channeling stuff, once it gets to a certain place of open, it's really hard to close it. It's a real thing to consider.

And part of what I'm hearing from you that I really want to honor is that you're an artist. It's not just that you like to write, but you like to write within culture, around people, about people, next to people. That is not going to be harmed by being a channel, but I don't want you to take away from one of your passions because another passion seems so precious. And we don't want you to idealize⁠—and I say we; I mean I. Me and me don't want you to idealize being a channel in such a way that you place it above your more worldly passions, because I don't think there's a hierarchy when it comes to what's authentic.

David: Thank you.

Jessica: You're welcome.

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Jessica: Here's my question. In regards to the initiate/channeling stuff, do you have any general or specific questions for me?

David: No. No.

Jessica: Great. Okay.

David: No. You really⁠—you gave it to me, so thank you.

Jessica: Yes. That makes me happy. So, then, what about the writing/artist part?

David: Yeah. I listened to this interview with Barbra Streisand from NPR from like ten years ago, who's a Taurus like me. And she was like, "You know, I'd release more albums, but I really love my free time." And I'm starting to be afraid that I'm becoming entitled because I discovered that in terms of human design, I'm a projector, which means that I do really well when an invitation comes and I respond to it. With all of the stuff you were describing about my Neptune, about this feeling like I don't have agency or choices, and with maybe a little sense of Taurean entitlement, I'm at this place of, like, "Well, are they just going to give it to me and then I'll show them how good I am?"

Jessica: Who's they?

David: They, the industry. I don't know. They, the overlords⁠—because I do work really hard. Things have gone best not when I self-initiated. When it comes to me originating something and creating and pitching and all of that, I feel really stymied. And I don't know if that's a Taurean entitlement, if that comes from the lack of choice thing, but I just feel like, as I'm getting older, it's harder and harder for me to feel drive, clarity, or certainty about getting anything going, though the ambition burns hotter than ever⁠—ambition and the feeling of, "I could do this better than all these people."

Jessica: Yeah. So that's Pluto opposite the Sun and Mercury. That's what that is right there, and yes, Taurean entitlement. Also, you have Jupiter as a focal planet to a T-square. You're going to be a little entitled, I mean, especially around creativity stuff⁠—can be sex stuff. And that's not a bad thing, and it's not a good thing. It's a thing that is important to watch, like Jupiter⁠—it's all about growth, but it could be a tumor as much as it can be expansion. So it's not⁠—and I'm not meaning that in a physical way at all. Don't worry. I didn't mean that physically.

There's a couple layers. The first is I don't think a single artist likes the pitch. I don't think anybody likes the pitch. You are not alone. It's such a fucking hustle. So I don't think that's an entitlement thing. But the question is, how bad do you want it? That's really the question, is how bad do you want it, because if what you want to do is to write something⁠—is, basically, your question about, "I want to write a movie"? Is that the question?

David: Sure.

Jessica: Because, again, Capricorn. Such a Capricorn. I'm like, well, you have to be in the union and you have to have the right contacts and you have to write it. There's those three things, and they're really kind of big things. And have you done any of those things?

David: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Great. Are you in the union?

David: No.

Jessica: Might as well try. It doesn't open a single door, but if the door happens to get opened, it means you can walk through it. And I don't know what kind of economic or time sync it is to be part of the union, but I do know that that is one of the rules of the game⁠—

David: Okay.

Jessica: ⁠—for better or worse. So that's one thing I think that you can do. Listen. You have got so much creative potential in your chart. Can you manifest an opportunity? Yes. Can you write well? Yes. Do you have great ideas? Yes. Does that mean you don't need to practice and write a script and have it be good, and then write another script and have it be better? No, it does not mean that. Does it mean that you shouldn't do anything to make it easy? So let me frame it in a spiritual way.

To say to the Universe, "Bring me something. Bring me cookies," and the Universe is like, "Okay. Maybe we'll bring you cookies," but you've locked all your doors and you've closed the windows, so the Universe has to knock on your door, too⁠—right? So what you want to do is open the doors and windows, or at least unlock the doors and open the windows, so that it's easy for the Universe to bring things your way.

So then there's this other part, which is, as I'm saying all this, there is this part of you⁠—and now I understand why you're using the word "entitlement," because I didn't understand it before. I mean, technically, astrologically, I did, but now I'm getting it⁠—because there's this part of you that, as I'm saying this energetically, I'm seeing is kind of closing up, and it's just⁠—

David: Completely.

Jessica: And it's like, "If you're telling me I have to do something about it, then it's not fun and I don't want to." Is it⁠—yeah? Yeah?

David: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. That's the Jupiter. "If it's not fun, I don't want to." Yeah, Jupiter. So that tells me two things. One is you don't want to. So you have a choice to make. Either you take the chance that not doing the things means you don't make progress, or you say, "I don't want to, but I'm going to do it anyways because it's important to me and I want to try." Choices. That's all it is.

Let's pull it away from shoulds and should-nots and gear it more towards action/consequence. So I don't know if this feeling that I'm picking up on of, "No. This is so not fun," is kind of normal for you or if this is like an extreme emotion. Do you know if that's kind of a normal response?

David: No. It's an extreme emotion. And I'll tell you it's an extreme emotion, I think, that comes from experience with all this Neptunian interference because I have self-propelled a million times, and in my 20s, I was throwing shit at the world. I'm always working on something, but I think there is this built-up anger reaction to what you're saying that comes from things falling apart or me isolating or a shame reaction or things kind of fading away⁠—all of those things that's really built up. It's not really a normal reaction. The belief and the fear and the "Where is this going?"⁠—all of that is getting really kicked up.

Jessica: Yep. Okay. That's fair. You have a few things in your chart that articulate that you want to be exceptional and that you might be exceptional, that you can be exceptional. Maybe you are exceptional. It's that, again, the Jupiter and the Pluto that we look to to be like, "If I'm not exceptional, then fuck this. You don't want me; I don't want you." It's cool. It's cool. So what I would recommend you do is develop a practice⁠—you're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome⁠—of sitting with that feeling because it may be defensiveness and a self-fulfilling prophecy, because when you think you're the best thing in the world, that means that some hours of the day, you think you're the worst thing in the world.

That's the fucking problem with Pluto. Pluto does not give you 100 percent great. It gives you 100 percent great and then the bottom of the barrel. It's Pluto. If that's the case, sitting with your instincts to establish for yourself, "Okay. Am I doing what I enjoy right now?"⁠—another question to ask yourself is, "Am I willing today to do something different than what I'm doing or more than what I'm doing?" And if the answer is no, stop right there. Come back to it tomorrow. You know you will. You have a Pluto opposition to your Mercury. You're obsessive. You can't help it. You're going to come back to it tomorrow.

So I would really just keep it really simple and ask yourself those two questions because today, you actually don't want to move any faster than you're moving on either of these topics.

David: Agreed.

Jessica: Yeah. You don't, and that's great. And there's all kinds of things, from outside messaging to your own pressure you're placing on yourself, that say, "Well, if I do this, I should do this at 100 percent."

David: Yes.

Jessica: And what I want to say about that is no. No. You don't have to do it at 100 percent ever. And if you do it at 100 percent, you don't have to do it now. You get to pace yourself so that you don't just do things that are important, but so that you get to enjoy them. And again, this is what's hard for an intercepted Mars and a twelfth-house Saturn is remembering that you actually get to enjoy your life if you prioritize it⁠—not all the time, because life is torture. But you do get to enjoy your gifts. You get to decide whether or not they're the most important things at this time.

And yeah, right now, when I look at you energetically, now that we've fleshed all this stuff out, I'm like, "Oh. Actually, the most important thing to you right now is actually where to live." That's actually the most important thing, not writing an amazing novel or screenplay, not channeling more or understanding channeling better. It's very material, very basic, like, "What do I need? Where do I want to be? Where can I be happy? Where can I set out roots?"

That's the stuff that I'm seeing that needs more of your attention and not the other things. But you have been focusing on these other things so much that they're robust. They're not perfect. You know what I mean? It's not like there's nothing left to do, but they're really robust parts of you.

David: Completely⁠, so much so that I thought these other things would lead me to the answer of where I should live because I don't want to deal⁠—you know, this is my way of dealing. And what you're saying is completely true, which is I think my guides right now want to have fun. I want to kind of feel situated and safe and lay down roots, and let's just fucking deal with that, you know?

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. So where are your options of where to live?

David: New York, Los Angeles, or Tel Aviv, or a fourth option that has not been presented to me yet.

Jessica: TBD. TBD. Okay.

David: Yeah. But those three are really the big chickens and, more realistically, probably New York or LA.

Jessica: Okay. You have a harder time staying focused on yourself in LA than you do in New York. Yeah. That made sense, obviously. LA is really tempting for you. I think you could have a lot of fun. I think you could get into a lot of trouble in LA.

David: Interesting.

Jessica: All fun trouble, some good for you, some not. You know what I mean? LA looks very dynamic for you. But do you feel at home in LA? Not with your group. Not with your little community, but in LA?

David: No. The community does make me feel like home because it's hundreds of Jews who love me. But the city I'm kind of⁠—we're not in cahoots.

Jessica: It's not a real match. Correct.

David: No.

Jessica: If you were in a point in your life where you were like, "I'm going to make it in Hollywood, baby," I'd be like, "Fuck yeah. Suck it up. Live in LA. It's not bad, but it's not perfect." But this is not actually the moment where that's your primary objective. If you stay in LA, it doesn't look like it's what you're going to focus on. And from what I'm seeing, I don't think you should make a decision yet.

David: Thank you.

Jessica: You're welcome. I don't think you're ready to make a decision.

David: Me neither.

Jessica: And the other thing is, if you move to LA, you'll go back to New York.

David: Got it.

Jessica: So do you want to live in LA for a period is the question, not do you want to live in LA. And if you do want to live in LA for a period, is this the period?

David: No.

Jessica: Yeah. So you just answered the questions. So these very difficult questions you just answered. So that's the good news, is I didn't answer⁠—I mean, I kind of answered. I skewed the polling. But it was that easy, right, because New York is home, and then when I look at Tel Aviv, it feels TBA to me. I can't tell⁠—did you ever live there since being a small child?

David: Only sporadically. Tel Aviv⁠—it's like the womb that I go back to once in a while, and I'm reborn and recharged and sent back out into the world, I think.

Jessica: I feel like, for you, you could really be very happy there. I feel like you could settle down there. It feels like home. It has all the things you like about LA and some of the things you like best about New York. The problem is I don't know that you're ready to leave the U.S.⁠—

David: Okay.

Jessica: ⁠—or to be in the Middle East, more specifically. It's just a different world, and I have the feeling that if you moved there⁠—not if you decided to spend six months, but if you moved there, you would feel like you are missing out. You would feel like, "What did I do to my life?" So that's the answer. It's New York.

David: Your listeners can't see how much nodding and pointing I'm doing to affirm that what you're saying is completely right. I suppose New York⁠—because of all the channeling that's been happening, I felt like I can't live there. And I think there is a way that I could say, "Okay. Well, let's shift priorities or shift lifestyles and fully embrace New York and have fun and enjoy it," and all of that so that I don't feel subsumed and deadened and overwhelmed and exhausted.

Jessica: Well, let's talk about that for just another moment, though, because Manhattan itself is very dangerous for somebody who is an open channel. So, if you decide to move back to New York, I would recommend your top-one priority in terms of spiritual work is boundary work, not becoming a better channel, not becoming a different kind of channel or more of a channel. Don't do any of that shit. Just do boundary work.

New York is incredibly difficult. There's too many people. And it's not just too many people; there's a lot of things going on, and it is a very difficult place energetically. So boundary work will become the work, which⁠—I don't want to blow your mind. Saturn Return in the twelfth house, Mars intercepted the fucking first house in Pisces, plus you know Saturn is coming for your Mars⁠—it's your work anyways, right?

David: Yeah.

Jessica: It's your work anyways. So that would be the spiritual work is boundary work. If you don't move back to New York, if you stay in LA or you move to Tel Aviv, you can learn boundaries on your own time. If you move back to New York, especially if you go to Manhattan, no, it becomes your number-one priority is to learn boundaries.

And in a way, New York looks best for your writing practice. So I don't know if that's because your writing contacts are there or if it's just like the energy of the city just really inspires you. It looks like New York is best for your writing. I would encourage you to stay open and ask your guides to show you locations in the New York area that could make you truly happy but also give you more space.

David: They've started to, and it⁠—yeah.

Jessica: It's very easy when you live in a metropolitan city like New York to be like⁠—especially New York of all the places in the world, but to be like, "Nowhere but New York is cool. Nowhere but New York will work." And the truth is it's closing the windows. It's shuttering the blinds. It's locking the doors. And maybe at the end of the day, New York/Manhattan is the place for you. But if you stop opportunity from flowing, then you don't really have choice. And you don't want that. You want choice. As hard as it is for you to make choices, you want options.

So I would say it's New York. And that doesn't mean you should rush out of LA in this exact moment. And you don't need to know what comes next to be doing the right thing on the right path in the right way.

David: I'm taking that in.

Jessica: Take it in. Take it in because it is true. On the one hand, you believe that with every fiber of your being, and it looks like it's one of your credos in some ways. And then, on the other hand, you've never believed it and you're always looking for the answer. They're both true at once, right?

David: Completely.

Jessica: If New York is, let's say, the answer of where to live, part of what you want to remember is you've got a Gemini IC. You've got an MC in Sagittarius. Having a home base doesn't mean you're not living parts of the year in other places. It just means having a home base. And so, again, it's finding a way to embody your Saturn in Cap where you're owning your baseline rules or your baseline reality but not writing it in stone and locking yourself in a room with it, but having it as a structure to return to but that is yet malleable. So to think about reality as Legos instead of chains will really serve you.

David: Completely. Completely. Yeah.

Jessica: Good.

David: Breaking out of this rigiditude and myopia⁠, yeah, that's…

Jessica: Yeah. I mean, listen. I'm a huge fan of myopia. I don't want you to completely lose it. It gives you an edge, makes for interesting writing. You know what I mean? But also, you want to be able to be like, "I dipped a toe in myopia, and then I ran away"⁠—

David: Exactly.

Jessica: ⁠—"and I played with the fairies." You gotta have balance is what I'm trying to say.

David: You're right. You're right.

Jessica: Yeah. You don't want to throw away the hard stuff, because the hard stuff makes the good stuff so much more delicious. But also, you don't want to overdo the hard stuff. It's a balance. Now, my question for you is do you have questions for me?

David: No. I have so much⁠—I don't even think to consciously think about; I think to just let download. So yeah. I don't have questions.

Jessica: Great.

David: I have a lot of gratitude and esteem, but I have no questions.

Jessica: Oh. Well, thank you very much. It has been such a joy getting to read for you. And I feel like, for those of us on a really spiritual path, it's so hard to hold it in proportion and not make it too big, or pretend it's not happening and make it too small. I don't think that struggle ever completely goes away, and I think it's actually a good struggle because it keeps us in reality, or it can keep us in reality. May you continue to have this struggle, but may you lose yourself less in it and instead just be like, "Oh, okay. These are options. These are choices. I have these very cool choices of what's possible for me. Where am I today?" Not, "Where do I want to be forever," but, "Where am I today? What are my priorities today?"

And I'm going to throw one last thing at you. Okay. Because Venus is involved in your T-square, this will work for you. If you write out a list of your priorities⁠—lists are weird for you because Saturn is in the twelfth. So, when I say list, it can be in a circle. Literally make a circle, like a daisy chain of words, that are the values that you wish to live by⁠—not your philosophies, not your ideas. Your values. And if you don't know the difference between philosophies and ideas and values⁠—I'm talking Jupiter, Mercury, Venus, the difference between those three things⁠. Or you could just look up the word "values" in multiple languages and see the different definitions, and that'll give you more of a flavor.

But write out a list, three to five things. Most people only value three to five things. If you're thinking 12 things, you're probably not thinking values. So what are the core things that you value? Write them in a little circle or whatever works. And then, whenever you're struggling with choices, you'll be able to return to those values and be like, "Okay. Does this reflect my values? Does doing x reflect my values? Does this have nothing to do with my values? Because if it has nothing to do with my values, I do not need to stress. It's not that big a deal. Either I'm on the wrong track, or this is not such a serious situation where I need to torture myself." I just wanted to give you that before we left.

David: Wow. Thank you.

Jessica: My pleasure. My pleasure. And thank you for coming to Ghost of a Podcast. This has been awesome.

David: Beyond.

Jessica: Beyond. Yay.