Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica: Sam, welcome to the podcast. I am very excited to do this reading with you. So tell me what you would like a reading about.

Sam: Yeah. So I'm just going to read the question to you. And so the question was, "How can I focus my energy and time to not only break generational trauma and oppression for my children and I, but also society, while also trying to raise Black children in Texas? And how can I do this without burning out or running away?"

Jessica: That's a lot of pressure you've placed on yourself or you've taken in and taken on.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: So you were born May 9th, 1984, 9:40 a.m. in Chicago, Illinois.

Sam: Yes. Did you want me to read the asterisk stuff where I put all that other information?

Jessica: Maybe do read the asterisks, and then we're going to break down your question into bite-sized pieces.

Sam: Okay. "I'm a Black and Native American woman, and I live in Texas. I was a health lawyer, and now I'm a health equity consultant. I have an autoimmune disorder, and I'm neurodivergent with CPTSD and ADHD. So I do need to manage my energy really well. And I struggle with current events and how to address them in my work, and I also struggle with how to best do this for myself and for my children. I know I'm only one person, but I do often feel called to try to fix all the things. But this often leads to burnout, or I want to put my head in the sand and/or run away."

Jessica: That's real. So let's actually start with this: you have both Neptune in the sixth house, and your Midheaven is at 29 degrees and 56 minutes of Pisces. So it's four minutes away from being an Aries Midheaven, so your tenth house is Aries. It's all Aries. But that Midheaven is at that critical degree of Pisces. And so the desire and drive to take on everything and to heal the world and also to have good spiritual health and also to have rich personal relationships⁠—bada-bing, bada-boom. Thank you, Neptune. Thank you, Pisces. Right?

Sam: That's the most accurate description of me ever. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. Good/sorry. The thing I want to name with this is that Piscean and Neptunian energies are what we need for healing, and they're what we need for the internal foundations of revolution. This is a planet and a sign associated with empathy and grace and interconnection, but they're also the planet and sign associated with idealism and running away and collapsing and having no boundaries and just feeling like you're being disintegrated by the weight of the world.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Unfortunately, right? So, when I read your question, I really⁠—God, I sat with your damn question. I was like, there's no answer to this on one level. On one level, what you want is everything all at once for yourself, the world, and your family, which⁠—good on you. And I'm not going to say that's not possible, but also, the dangerous side of Neptune is that it can have us being perfectionistic⁠. Our idealism can lead to perfectionism, and that perfectionism can really stand in the way of being okay with who you are, where you are, how it is, and then, from that place, coping.

And you know that psychology is not my field, right? I'm not a shrink in any way, shape, or form. But CPTSD⁠—God, I always fuck up the word.

Sam: That's right.

Jessica: I said it right, CPTSD. It's a mouthful for me.

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I have a therapist and a trauma person.

Jessica: Thank you. Okay. Good. Good. So having that one diagnosis, just separate from everything else like the fucking world and just everything else⁠—that does mean that it's important that you figure out ways to create a buffer around you to support you, ways of coping that are supportive and generous to the parts of you that hold trauma in your body.

Sam: I struggle with the application of it. I know what you're saying, but I get lost in the how sometimes.

Jessica: I mean, yes. I don't think you'd have CPTSD if you didn't struggle with the⁠—I mean, whether or not it's easy or accessible, I think it is a part of what really feels like this massive structure inside of your question, which is can you give yourself permission, can you give yourself the grace, to just be one person who has 24 hours in the day? And not Beyonce's 24 hours in the day, because she has a massive team. You have just a regular human 24 hours in a day.

And the reason why I'm starting with naming that Neptune in Pisces stuff is because these parts of you have a devotional form of love. "If I love the world, if I love my children, if I love myself, I have to devote my whole self to these things." That isn't bad or good, and that doesn't inherently need to change. But devotion without any boundaries or without any container becomes losing yourself, running away, or disintegrating.

And so I just want to, again, kind of⁠—there's so much to your question, and everything in your question is equally important as everything else. So, again, it's a tricky situation that I want to just name this piece that accepting that life is so deeply imperfect, and you can have clarity of vision and the greatest of intentions and still only have 24 hours in a day. And within those 24 hours, you may have a technical problem that eats up three hours of your day because it's fucking Mercury Retrograde. And it is what it is what it is what it is.

Sam: Yeah. Boundaries are something that has been easier in my work life to set, have been harder in my personal life, and I am working on those currently. Those are kind of the big things right now that I'm trying to figure out. I'm finally kind of in a job that I feel like⁠—without being too idealistic, I finally feel like I'm doing the thing that I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm in my sweet spot. I'm good at it. I like it. I enjoy it. I like who I'm with⁠—everything. So that part is nice, and I'm working with people who I think do a good job of not only respecting boundaries but helping you create boundaries, too, around the work.

Jessica: That's amazing.

Sam: Yeah. My boundaries can kind of get very all or nothing. Either you're all the way on my team, or you're just not in my life. And that doesn't always work either. Sometimes that works, but other times it doesn't.

Jessica: Let me actually speak to that real quickly because in your birth chart, you have Pluto opposite Mercury. That is a natal aspect that gives you such an intense mind. It gives you a penetrating, intense mind. You can be really obsessive. You can be really relentless. You can be really deep. You can be really analytic⁠—all of the things at once. But it absolutely gives you an all-or-nothing kind of thinking. "You're with me or you're against me. Pick a lane, people."

And on top of it, your Mercury is in Aries. And so you're not going to necessarily be shy about that, even though you have this deeply devotional way of showing up in the world and working, especially. Now, on top of it, you have a Cancer Rising. So you really want everyone to be on your team, and you take it really fucking personally when somebody shows up and is not showing up in a way that you feel like is on your team. You get butthurt, if I may say.

Sam: Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I don't need everybody to like me or whatever, but yeah. Once you've kind of declared yourself on my team, then yeah, there is a certain way that I think I want you to be. I don't know.

Jessica: Yeah. You have ideas of what right and wrong is. And it looks like it really startles you and really offends you when someone acts wrong.

Sam: Yes.

Jessica: I respect that. I can't disagree with it. But also, it can add to this level of perfectionism that you hold for yourself and for others and for the world, but it really⁠—you're kind of the toughest on yourself. And I want to add that currently, you are going through a Pluto square to your natal Mercury. And that will be over December 20th of 2023. And the second that Pluto entered into Aquarius, you started your Pluto square, which is the first transit in the series of midlife transits.

Sam: When did that start?

Jessica: So it started in February of 2023, and it became exact just a month ago or something. Yeah, April 8th, a couple days leading up to April 8th. We can get into what those things mean in a minute, but I want to make sure I really attempt to answer your questions. There's three or four parts to your question. So will you ground me into where the question marks are so I try to answer?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah. So I recently became a single mom about two years ago, and I'm also newer to Texas. I moved here right before the pandemic, so four years ago. And it was for my kids' dad's job and whatever, and we stayed. But I think that extra pressure of when the kids are with me, feeling like I need to maximize the momming, and then when they're not with me, feeling like I need to maximize working⁠—and then also the fact that we are in Texas.

And so my kids have already⁠—they're only six and nine, but they've already experienced significant racial discrimination incidents and stuff that I never had to deal with, particularly at their age. It's not like my life's been perfect at all, obviously, but these types of things. And so being able to support them in regards to so many different traumas that they're experiencing at once, and then trying to also cope with the fact that I am in Texas and all of the things that come with that, all of the ways that that is difficult with current events, with recent legislation⁠—pick an area of why Texas is difficult.

Jessica: Yeah. You had me at Texas. Yeah.

Sam: Yeah. And I never saw myself here. It's overall been good, but it has been difficult. And part of me wonders, should we just leave and go somewhere else? And then another part of me is like, that's not fair to feel like you're kind of being forced out, for lack⁠—I don't know if that's the right phrase, but⁠—

Jessica: Yeah. It is. Yeah.

Sam: ⁠—to kind of feel like you're leaving. And then that's also just another change to put them through. And the fact that the work that I do⁠—on the one hand, it's incredible the changes that I see, and I feel like I directly impact. But then you read another news article or turn the TV on again, and it's like something else really shitty happened and is happening. I want to feel I have knowledge, tools⁠—whatever⁠—that I can contribute something.

So it's this weird kind of⁠—I feel as though I can do something, but I don't know what exactly. And then there is the very real part of⁠—if I burn out, which I can do⁠—if I burn out professionally or personally, then the consequences of that, of being sick, of being all those things, then how helpful am I then if I'm down? So it's this weird kind of⁠—how do I help everybody and me at the same time?

Jessica: Okay. And if there's more, just tell me later because it'll be too much for me to hold on to.

Sam: I know. I'm sorry. That's a lot.

Jessica: No, it's okay. It's okay. But I think part of you sharing all the details at once⁠—it's part of how you process. These are all top-tier issues. These are all⁠—not emergency issues, but right underneath an emergency. They could become an emergency with the slightest flick of the wrist.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: And so all of these issues are of equal importance. And part of what's fucking you up is that there's no way to organize these issues, so you're constantly kind of being hit by a wave of how important each of them are instead of being able to separate them and be like, "Okay. I'm just going to focus on this now." So I think part of even the way you just described all the issues is a reflection of how you are constantly thinking about all the issues⁠—"This and then this and then this and then this, and it brings me back to this, and then this and then this." And of course it's going to burn you out.

You shared your two diagnoses, which I think predispose you to burnout as well, but also your life, also the fucking world and everyone. But all things considered, burnout is a serious risk for you. And if you can accept⁠—which maybe you can; maybe you can't. But if you can accept that all of these issues have something in common, which is that there is an endless need and they will never be completely resolved⁠—you're never going to resolve America or⁠—I don't know⁠—the environment or racism or health inequity. I could keep going. Kids are never going to need less caring for and concern. You are never going to magically be like, "I know how to have a balanced me-time." Nobody does. We sometimes do for a period of time, but it is very hard to have a career and balance me-time⁠—again, endless. Endless.

So, if you can kind of accept, "Okay, these are all issues that are never going to be completely resolved," then it might become a little easier to identify, "I need to be able to sustain my efforts without burning out, and the only way to do that is a marathon, not race⁠—turtle, not hare." You know what I'm saying?

Sam: I do.

Jessica: Okay.

Sam: I do. Somehow, before, if it felt endless or never resolvable, that felt terrifying to me. But within this context, this makes sense.

Jessica: Good.

Sam: It does feel like a relief.

Jessica: Right. It's like that's not just your permission; it's your imperative to pace yourself. That devotional, perfectionistic part of you is like, "Pacing yourself is for people who don't care. I care, so I'm going to go hard." And the truth is that you can do that shit in your 20s. You can, and the consequences will come to you in your 30s, where you are. And if you try to pull that shit off in your 40s, what happens to most of us is our body is like, "Fuck you. Let me show you what kind of health problems I can create." And it goes on and on from there.

And so the lesson here is not life is tragedy, although life is tragedy. But the lesson here is that if you can accept that it is a marathon, then you pace yourself. And some legs of the marathon, you go slower than everyone else because you really do need to, not because of what you're capable of or what you "should" do. So okay. So I want to just acknowledge that as I say that, straight out the gate, there's a sadness. There's a grief that comes up for you. That's what I'm pulling in.

Sam: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Okay. So part of the reason why you don't tap into the need to pace yourself is because when you do, you feel grief. And you don't want to feel grief; you want to feel impactful. And so there's all the reason in the worl⁠d⁠—okay. Yeah. Sorry.

Sam: No. No. Yeah. Yes.

Jessica: It's coming up. And this is developing the skill of being present with your grief and breathing into your grief. So what you just did⁠—I just watched you do this thing energetically in this short little moment. You started to feel all this grief, and then you were like⁠—clamp. I don't know how you did it, but you just clamped down on your emotion. You didn't push it down. You put it in a steel cage, and you kind of got a little more control over it. Did you feel that?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: That is highly effective. I'm not going to tell you that's a bad coping mechanism. It's a fucking genius coping mechanism. It allows you to parent through chaos or go to work and all the things. But what you're dealing with here is that I don't think you meant to do that. That is your knee-jerk reaction⁠—that's your impulse⁠—to feeling the grief. And so getting to this place where you can give yourself the grace to be in this marathon, unfortunately, will require tolerating those grief feelings even when it's inconvenient⁠—just more. You don't have to do it all the fucking time. I don't want you to walk around sad all the time, although again, life is tragedy, so that's okay if you do a little bit.

This emotion that just came up in our conversation⁠—and good on you because I'm feeling you're feeling it a little bit more this moment again.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: I know it's weird. It's weird to be with a psychic, but here you go. This is a gift. This is really important because it's the part of you that's human. It's the part of you that knows that you're not perfect and that you can't be perfect, no matter how much you care. This is the part of you that if you're working with someone on your CPTSD, you're working with⁠—this is like the young part of you. This is the part of you that needs parenting, not controlling. And what you've done is controlled it, which is highly effective. We're not knocking it. Just being able to, instead of put it in a steel cage, be able to just hold it firmly is just a radical difference. It's subtle but radical.

And you don't have to do anything, and you don't have to want to take care of yourself. And I think that that's really important for your survival mechanisms because your survival mechanisms are kind of like⁠—I can hear them kind of screaming, "You can't tell me what to do. I'm going to do what I want to do. I don't have to take care of myself." There's a part of you that feels like your survival is wrapped up in defending yourself from some of your own vulnerabilities.

Sam: Yeah. Wow. What you were picking up on was me thinking of a particular person and what their thoughts would be on everything that you said. And so it was like I was hearing their voice, like, "No, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And it was literally me being like⁠—pushing it away, steel cage, all that. [crosstalk]

Jessica: Yeah. So have you heard this term, "interjected perpetrator"?

Sam: No.

Jessica: Okay. So the interjected perpetrator⁠—again, I think it's more of a psychology term. But the interjected perpetrator is exactly what you just described. It's the voice of our perpetrator, somebody who caused harm, who we know we're like, "Fuck you. No." But somehow, we've taken on their voice inside of our heads, and they get interjected in moments where healing or progress or some kind of movement occurs. This is really, unfortunately, very normal for those of us who have survived any kind of trauma.

And the interjected perpetrator serves a purpose. And that purpose is to keep you safe from harm because our perpetrators always tell us that they're keeping us safe from harm. That's kind of their whole thing. That's how they perpetuate harm. So being able to be like⁠—when that comes up, to identify it as, "This is an old pattern I have for keeping myself safe, which is remembering what they would say, what they would think⁠—basically giving their perspective weight," might be able to help you because you have a lot of resources. You're very, very resourced is what I'm saying.

You've got a lot of tools for living. Do you use them all the time? That's a different conversation. But you have them. And so I think that the foundational piece here is remembering that you have the right to choose them, understanding that if you actually do find a way to take better care of yourself, you're going to feel more of your feelings, which include the sadness and the grief that are just kind of⁠—they're just kind of somewhere in your baseline.

The interjected perpetrator is going to tell you that slows you down. That makes you weak. That makes you ineffectual. And that's a voice that you'll see reiterated all over the fucking world. You know what I mean? Lots of people will agree with that, and there are moments where it's true. The hardest lie to recover from is a lie that has some truth to it. So it comes down to choice because there's nothing perfect. There's nothing perfect, not for anyone, not at any time, but certainly not in these situations you've named.

Sam: Right. Right.

Jessica: There's just choices. There's choices, and they have consequences. And you can try your best, and then you have to pace yourself through making choices, through evaluating whether or not they're working out. When you're in any of your therapies, do you track emotions in your body?

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: That's part of the process?

Sam: Not as much lately, but yeah.

Jessica: I would say maybe bring it back.

Sam: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. Bring it back. If your therapist is not a psychic, then they're not going to know when you start to feel grief. But if you're making a practice of noticing, "Oh, we're talking about an interaction I had with somebody on the bus, and I just had this really overwhelming moment of grief," then you can kind of investigate that. What did that trigger? What did that push on? And it's not possible to do that if you're not in your body, because that's where the grief comes up. It's not in your head. Your head makes sense of it a second after, but it starts in the meat suit.

Sam: Yeah. That makes sense.

Jessica: Yeah. Super annoying. I'm sorry. Super annoying. I mean, I wish I could tell you something else. There's time with the kids/time without the kids. That means that your ex is coparenting with you; is that right, theoretically?

Sam: Theoretically. Yeah. Yeah. We are both parents of our children, and we do share time doing that. We take turns with our time.

Jessica: So how many days a week does he have the kids?

Sam: We typically do one week on, one week off.

Jessica: And within that, you mentioned potentially leaving Texas. Is that actually even an option given that your ex is in Texas?

Sam: Yeah. He wants to leave.

Jessica: He wants to leave.

Sam: He brought us here, but he wants to leave. Yeah.

Jessica: We're going to beep this out, but will you say your full name out loud?

Sam: [redacted]

Jessica: What's your mom's last name, her maiden?

Sam: [redacted]

Jessica: There it is. Okay. And where does he want to move to, your ex?

Sam: I don't know if he knows.

Jessica: And where would you want to live?

Sam: Probably California. And for him, that's already off the table for him.

Jessica: Why is it off the table for him?

Sam: Because of fires and drought.

Jessica: He's not wrong. I mean⁠—but I was seeing you in California. I'll just tell you I was seeing you in California. I was like, "Am I projecting because I'm in California?" But I was seeing it for you as well. But he's not wrong about the fires and the drought, right? But also, I mean, where are you going to run from the climate? I mean, Texas is a terrible choice just straight out the gate. But I'm going to say this. I'm starting with the last question you named.

Sam: No, it's okay.

Jessica: Nobody wants to be in Texas. Nobody in your family is loving being in Texas. So is it running away to leave Texas? I would not say so. Is it fleeing? Maybe a little bit. Would you stay were it not the writing on the wall kind of thing? The job that you have is amazing, so it's like I don't say I think you need to go this moment.

Sam: Well, I work remotely and travel and stuff, so I could be anywhere.

Jessica: Oh.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. That's really powerful for me to hear because I do see that some of the weight you're carrying is because the place you're in⁠—it's not a match. And it is because of all the things that we already know about Texas, including a couple of the things you named, but it's not just that. This is not your place. It's not like this⁠—I don't know. Have you been to a place where you're like, "Oh. Okay. Yeah. I could be here. This is the spot"? I feel like the city you're in is a great city for you, but the land is not the right spot. Does that make sense, that distinction?

Sam: It does because I like the city a lot, but it's⁠—on paper, it should be a place that I would love, but yeah, there's an offness to it.

Jessica: There's an offness. And I think there's a really strong offness for your ex, but there's an offness for your kids, especially your elder child.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: This is a bad place for your elder child. And if it was a bad place for your elder child and great for everyone else, I would focus on supporting that child. But it's not a yes for anyone. California is the place for you if there was no climate crisis. And that's a fair consideration, especially since you guys have kids. So I guess, in terms of the move, unless you have any specific questions about that, I will say I think it's wise to stay open.

Sam: Okay.

Jessica: I do think it's wise to stay open.

Sam: Yeah. I think that's really helpful.

Jessica: Yeah. I don't think it's running away. I really don't. In this nation, unfortunately, a lot of people⁠—like, a lot of people⁠—are fleeing now for various reasons, and I don't think it's for nothing. And I don't think you need to wait until your house is burning before you give yourself permission to acknowledge that this has been good, but it's not it. Will you say both of your kids' names?

Sam: Yeah. My oldest is [redacted].

Jessica: Okay.

Sam: And my youngest [redacted].

Jessica: Yeah. So [redacted], such a gentle spirit, such a smarty-pants. What a remarkable kid. Is he really advanced in reading?

Sam: He's labeled, yeah, as gifted and all those things.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sam: He's got ADHD like [indiscernible 00:27:34].

Jessica: He's so bright. He's so bright. You're going to have the hardest time of the three of you⁠—you and the two kids⁠—moving. It's not going to destabilize them in some crazy way. I understand why you'd be concerned about moving them around a lot, but they're not attached. They're not attached.

Sam: Yeah. We've even talked about maybe even just moving their schools, but then even if we didn't move, just change schools to a school that's closer to where I live right now. Yeah.

Jessica: I mean, what I would do is I would encourage you definitely wait past Mercury Retrograde. Wait past the Eclipse. But I would say, if you're going to move states, don't bother with schools yet because that becomes a lot of moving and social adjusting. I wouldn't encourage too much social adjusting unless⁠—I mean, I think your eldest is just having a very bad time in school, which is a shame because I feel like he's a perfect student. He is so bright. He's so interested. And he's good with adults, so it's like as a teacher, it would be great to have him in the classroom.

Sam: Oh my⁠—yeah, he's having a really, really, really, breaks-my-heart hard time at school.

Jessica: If you were like, "Okay, we're going to move this summer," but if there was a way to move him, if you were sure that it looked⁠—like if it looked good, if you were like, "Oh, this is the spot for him," I think that's fine because it wouldn't be destabilizing for him, because it's bad for him where he is. You know?

Sam: Oh, you mean the school, even if we didn't move yet, changing the school? Yeah.

Jessica: He would be fine. He wouldn't be destabilized because it's like, yeah, you want to destabilize what's going on for him at school.

Sam: Okay.

Jessica: The teachers aren't it. The kids aren't it. The curriculum isn't it, the way it's being communicated to him, which is such a shame. I don't know. Is this guy going to invent something we need? He's got a really fascinating mind. He is something special. So his education⁠—it's not it is all I can say. It's just not right. Does he play an instrument?

Sam: No, not officially. I mean, he plays with stuff, but no.

Jessica: It might be really helpful for him. It might not. I feel like technology is such a distraction for kids. I mean, it's such an asset in so many ways, but it's a distraction in so many ways. I feel like it would be really helpful for him to process his emotions through playing music, something that's nonverbal, because he's so bright that I think he gets exhausted with having to explain himself all the time. Does he say that to you? Is he like⁠—

Sam: Yeah, because I've always, like, "Well, how did you feel about that?" And he's like, "Okay. I just"⁠—he'll talk for a little while, and after a while⁠—and his sister, too. His sister just will run away when I asked her about how she feels.

Jessica: Well, it's a great problem to have with your mom. But also, he could really use music, I think. I keep seeing piano and flute, and I don't know if those are instruments that are available to him or if they're things he would have an affinity for. But it might be really helpful for him to emotionally process some of what he's going through. So that's something I'll just throw in the mix.

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Jessica: We did touch on the move and Texas. Are there remaining questions there? We haven't touched on the you-time yet, but there's a lot of things I feel like we didn't get to. But I'm not sure.

Sam: I don't know. You may be picking up on the many layers of difficulty that I have with their father, but it's⁠—everything is really, really hard.

Jessica: I'm sorry. He feels kind of like a big child that you have to manage everything for him. Am I seeing that correctly?

Sam: Yeah. We were married about ten years, and we've known each other since we were kids.

Jessica: Okay. That makes a lot more sense, that you've known each other since you were kids, because it looks like you had a great relationship, like an enviable relationship for a period of time. And it was a period of time where you didn't mind taking care of him. This is one of the top few things I've seen in relationships where people have kids, in particular straight relationships where people have kids, is that taking care of your partner⁠ like he's a child is so fine when you're somebody who wants to have children and you don't. But the second you do have human children, it becomes like a burden.

And it's understandable that you would expect that he would rise to the occasion, but when a grown-ass man has never risen to an occasion, it doesn't usually work out great, unfortunately. And he feels, from what I'm seeing, really entitled to a lot of you and also really sad. Is he with someone else?

Sam: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. But you're the one who ended the relationship, eh?

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. He wants to be with you, but he won't be alone. That's what it looks like.

Sam: Yeah. Definitely. I mean, obviously, I don't know if he wants to be with me, but the never being alone, I mean⁠—

Jessica: Is the coparenting a real challenge with him, or is that something you're able to manage?

Sam: It depends on the day. Some days are fine, and the days that are not fine are horrific. You know?

Jessica: Yeah. I'm sorry. And do you guys fight still?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: You are currently going through a transit that happens once every 29 years, so this is the second time it's happened to you and the first time as an adult⁠—Saturn opposition to the Moon. And when Saturn opposes your Moon⁠—and your Moon is at four degrees of Virgo⁠—it is a massive challenge to your home life, your family life, your sense of belonging, and your emotional self-regulation. It is a crisis point, and it is meant to be dealt with. So it's not whether or not things are perfect is going to influence your future. It's how you strive to cope with how you're feeling and what's happening in your home and your family life. It's the motivations for why you do or don't do things that's really important right now.

I've never heard of anyone going through a Saturn opposition to the Moon and feeling good. Sorry. It's just not a thing. It's not a thing. And this transit started on April 4th, and you'll be in it until May 10th. It'll come back July 28th through September 7th, and then the last hit will be December 30th⁠—Happy New Years⁠—through January 28th of 2024. So you got three separate one-month periods. And in these one-month periods, the ways in which you deal with him are really important.

What this means is you need to be acting in accordance with what you believe to be right. So that means having healthy boundaries, recognizing when you're like, "I will murder you," and then taking care of yourself around those feelings instead of indulging those feelings or shoving them down⁠—finding a way to actually cope because you've got to deal with this dude forever.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Sorry. Your face when I said that.

Sam: No, no. It is. I mean, that's the part that's so, so hard.

Jessica: It's really, really hard. You don't get a break like in a regular breakup you would. And making decisions around where to manage your home, like where to make a home with your kids⁠—Saturn opposite Moon. And wherever you land is likely to be where you stay for the next 14 years or so until Saturn comes back and sits on top of your Moon. So I do think it's wise to really consider, "Where can I live for the next 15 years?" Not forever, necessarily. And to your ex's point, unfortunately⁠—and I live here in California⁠—I mean, fires and floods. I don't know that we have 15 years here. I don't know. So that's not bananas, even though it's annoying that he says it. And actually, I think you'd be very happy in California, outside of the fires and floods. Also, we should add insane rents to the mix, but whatever.

That brings us to you have a full week to yourself every other week. And in that time, you named you're like, "I should be maximizing my time alone." Right? I think, for you, part of maximizing your time alone is doing nothing. Is that something you ever do?

Sam: Yes, I do, but not without a ton of guilt and "should-be's" around it.

Jessica: So I'm going to give you weird homework. Go on this website⁠—it's obscure⁠—called YouTube, and look up⁠—you're welcome⁠—or TikTok, whatever⁠—and look up turtles, the behavior of turtles, because you need to be the tortoise and not the hare. And so I don't know if you've ever seen turtles in nature, but they do a lot of sunbathing. They do a lot of laying about. They don't just move ploddingly, which⁠—that's the point. It's not about moving slow. It's being plodding. That's the marathon.

It's also about, in moments of rest, actually enjoying those moments of rest. This is where you're going to actually take inspiration from actual turtles instead of just a fable written by some nerd sometime. If you're going to eat the cake, enjoy the fucking cake. You know what I mean? If you're going to chill, if you're going to just sit, give yourself permission to just really sit. Just sit, because with the way that your life works, with the way that your nervous system is wired⁠—very tight and buzzy⁠—and the way that your life is and the world is, you need moments where you're not doing anything.

It's what is called a passive action. And having passive action to balance out proactive action/mobilization is essential to offset burnout. What might help is for you⁠—I mean, it could be watching TV. It could be⁠—I don't know⁠—any number of⁠—like napping. Do you nap? I don't know. There's things people do. Try the things. And I would give you this homework. Make the decision that x of days or x hours out of a day/per week, you are going to really just deep dive into passivity, relaxing.

And every time your brain is like, "I should. I should. I should," you're going to be like, "No. I've made a month-long commitment to myself"⁠—or a two-month-long commitment, whatever you can tolerate⁠—"where I'm really doing this. And at the end of a month or two months, I'm going to look at my life and see if I was overall more productive and effective or overall less or overall the same." Let's get some evidence. That matches your brain, right? That can work for your brain. It's what you do for living. Get evidence.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: So, if you do this and you actually do it and you find that it makes you less motivated/lazier, it means you're not getting shit done in life. Okay. Great. Throw away that advice. Never do it again. But if things are the same or better, that's really important information for you to have, and then you can experiment with it for another month or two months. You don't have to make a decision based on that. Keep on experimenting until you feel satisfied with your data set.

I have pandered to your industry, and I hope I've done it well.

Sam: You have. I was like, "Oh, these are"⁠—I took all the notes. I was like, "I understand this."

Jessica: Yeah. This is your move. This is your [crosstalk].

Sam: Yeah. I know exactly⁠—I work with this.

Jessica: Yes. Yes. Okay. Good. That's exactly what I was hoping for because I think that the perfectionistic part of you is like, "Either relaxing is good or relaxing is bad. Doing is good or doing is bad. One thing will help me get better, and one thing will stop me from getting better," whereas we need balance. And again, these are all things you know out of context of yourself.

I will say the one thing that I think you actually do need is a little bit of time in nature. So nature could be walking through a city park. It could be hopping in a swimming pool⁠—which are not technically the most naturey things⁠—or it could be actually getting in your car and going to somewhere naturey. Do you have an animal?

Sam: Yeah. We have a dog, but he goes with the kids.

Jessica: Okay. So⁠—

Sam: When I'm on my own, it's a stark contrast.

Jessica: That's wild. That's a wild setup. Probably a really good thing is when everybody leaves, on the first day that everyone leaves, you let yourself be sad and you let yourself be still. It's the opposite of what you're doing, eh?

Sam: No. Actually, it's funny. I call it Depression Fridays.

Jessica: Okay. Good. I think that's great for you. I honestly think it's great for you. It's just about giving in to it instead of being like, "Oh, I shouldn't do this." I'm a Capricorn, so I like the title Depression Fridays. But I feel like you could use a rebranding. It's too stark of a contrast. Of course, you're going to have shock in your system. So what would you do if your kid had shock because of too dramatic of a change? You would nurture your kid.

Sam: Yep.

Jessica: You would put things in place to ease the transition. So you need to rebrand Depression Fridays into Transition Fridays or something.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Again, I think for most adults, but certainly for people with PTSD or CPTSD in particular, it is important to ask, "What would I do for my child in this situation? What would I do for a puppy in this situation?" And if you're not doing it for yourself, then that's more than a little interesting. It's good information. And you know that that's not efficient because you can force your child to just fucking change and just fucking keep on keeping up, but you know that they're going to melt down in some part of their life at some point, right?

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. You're somebody's child. You know? Yeah. So it's really important that you allow yourself to feel sad every time you recognize ways that you've been kind of holding yourself back or not being kind to yourself because it's okay to feel sad about that. And then just try to make slightly different choices. I know you can make really big different choices, and that's great if you want to pull that off, but slightly different choices are okay, too. And I think that's⁠—it's just really important.

Now, I want to just acknowledge you had put in your question your kids are dealing with racism. Are you, as well, in Texas?

Sam: Not directly in a way that I feel very specific to me.

Jessica: Right. That was kind of my instinct. And we didn't really speak to that. Is it with both the kids or really just your elder?

Sam: Mostly the older one, but both of them. When my daughter was three, she came home from preschool and said she wished she had white skin so the police would know she was good.

Jessica: Oh. Oh my God.

Sam: You know? Stuff like that. Yeah.

Jessica: Heartbreaking. This is not my, again, area of expertise, right?

Sam: Sure.

Jessica: But I'm going to look at her first. Say her full name.

Sam: [redacted]

Jessica: What do you actually call her?

Sam: [redacted]

Jessica: All I can do⁠—I'll just preface what I'm going to say⁠—is look at her psychically and talk to you about ways of coping. But I feel wrong about giving you strategies for coping with something that is wrong. I wish I was being like, "This is how we would fix the thing that's wrong," but that, you and I are not going to do today. I wish we could, but we are not. And is she in a school with lots of other kids who are her same⁠—like, look like her?

Sam: No. The school that I was thinking about moving them to, there would be more kids that look like her, but right now, no.

Jessica: See, it's hard because she is happy at her school, isn't she?

Sam: Yeah. For the most part, I think so. I think she's⁠—you know, but she's kind of⁠—whenever her brother talks about leaving the school, she's like, "Yeah, that'd be cool."

Jessica: Because when I look at her, it doesn't seem like the most active problem right now. So, if she's cool with leaving, that's great. But what I see for her is the solution in the big picture of her education is making sure that she's not in predominantly white places if possible. It is for her, at this stage, about whiteness. It's not about other races. And I don't know if that's the exact same thing for her brother. So this isn't as pressing of an issue in this moment for her. So I'm looking at her psychically, and that's just⁠—it's not deep in her aura. It's just a part of her awareness because, of course, it is.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Now, with your son⁠—say his name as well.

Sam: [redacted]. We call him [redacted].

Jessica: This fucking kid is something special. Yeah. I mean, he's in a fucking terrible situation. There is racial diversity where he's going to school, but there's not a lot of people who look like him. Is that correct?

Sam: Yeah. There's some. I mean, it's more diverse than when he first started going there, but it's still small and certainly not anybody that looks like him.

Jessica: Right. For him, he needs more kids that look like him, although honestly, he's struggling with not belonging, period.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: He's like a delicate, smart, sensitive kid. Have you considered putting him ahead a grade? Is he that kind of smart?

Sam: What's funny is, actually⁠—so he was born in August, and he was born a little early. So we registered him, so we gave him an extra year. He has a lot of big feelings and things like that, so we thought it would help him if he was the older one in the class versus the youngest one. But we made that decision five years ago, so⁠—

Jessica: Before you knew his mind. I mean, he's so smart. And I think the combination of the social conditions and the academic conditions is rough on him. If he was more engaged academically and if the teachers were able to really get into his education with him more, then the social conditions would be less pressing for him. But right now, because academically he's not really engaged, the social stuff is 110 percent of what's happening for him, and the social stuff is 90 percent shit. So getting him into a new school, I think, is a good priority. I mean, we're in almost May, right? So you have a month more of this school. So it's just about next year, getting him into another school.

And oh God. I have done so many readings in my career about finding the right school for a kid. You'd be stunned, when I was doing readings full time, how many people would come to me asking this question because the options are all terrible, or they're not terrible if you have a bazillion dollars to spend. But they're so expensive that it has to be perfect to justify spending that kind of money. I'm looking at this, and I'm remembering it because I'm like⁠—I mean, I'm distracted by how smart he is. I'm distracted by it because he's not academically smart⁠—maybe he is. Whatever. But that's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying there is a brightness to him that I don't see often. And because I'm looking at it psychically, it's enthralling to get to see. His mind is so special, and he's such a creative mind that⁠—I don't know if it's engineering, if it's writing, if it's music. Those are the things that I'm seeing that⁠—he has a brilliance in putting things together. So whatever you can do to support and promote that⁠—after-school stuff, at home⁠—will help them because they'll be emotionally soothing. They'll be like tools for self-soothing.

And it makes the social stuff worse. It makes the racism worse. It's not just racism, though. It's also he's not clicking with the kids. He would do better with girls than boys. Does he have female friends more than boy friends, or does he have boy friends more?

Sam: He has a couple boy friends, but I do think it probably skews more to girls. Yeah.

Jessica: To girls. Yeah. I mean, he's right before the age where that stops being cool at all. But he wants to talk. He doesn't want to just play. So girls are going to be easier on him that way.

Sam: Yeah. He's very, very⁠—wants to talk⁠—like what he just saw on TV or in a movie or whatever. He wants to process⁠—

Jessica: Process it. Process it.

Sam: ⁠—break it down. Let's break it down.

Jessica: And he's really aware that he's not clicking socially with any group of kids. He's too aware. His cognition is advanced, so he's very aware of it. But he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to be able to process, "What am I doing wrong here?" And he's like a very young nine-year-old in some ways, but then cognitively, he's very, very old. He is very advanced, and it's a difficult place to be. And in terms of the racism stuff, he is taking it very personally.

This is a thing he doesn't have yet, the ability to see groups and to understand systems with people. He understands systems really well in certain ways, which again is why I think engineering and music is kind of a draw, because there's a way to see details and systems at the same time. But with people, he doesn't have that ability. And it's kind of being thrust upon him to need to understand that stuff right now because the way he's a boy, his race, the way he plays⁠—all of these different things that are being questioned by his peers in overt ways and not overt ways. And he's aware of it but doesn't understand it.

When I look at him energetically, it looks like in his Texas school, he might be perceived as less masculine than some of the other boys⁠—by the boys. By the boys.

Sam: Oh. Yeah. I could see that. I could see that. Yeah. He definitely⁠—he cries. Yeah. That type of stuff. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Also, he prefers girls because they talk through things instead of⁠—physical play is not the only thing he likes to do. He likes physical play, but he hasn't hit that boy thing⁠—you know what I mean?⁠—that a lot, not all, but some boys, a lot of boys, go through. And a lot of boys have pressure to be like this. He doesn't have it. And again, it's one of the ways that⁠—I don't know how consciously it is from the other boys, but they're clocking him as different.

So there's all these things happening at once. Also, he's smart, which also clocks him as different. I definitely think he's one of the smartest kids in his class. He's so bright. Anyways, sorry. I know I'm saying it too much, but it's⁠—

Sam: No, no, no. You're right. You're right. I mean, and everything you said⁠ about the adults, all of it. And there are things that I've kind of suspected just from comments he's made, but this just kind of confirms a lot of the things that I was thinking but didn't even necessarily know how to name myself.

Jessica: Yeah. He's smart and he's kind, and he's got a strong body and a healthy body. And he's empathetic, and he's curious. And he's stuck. He's stuck by all these things around him.

Sam: And I know he feels compelled to get involved with stuff with his dad and I, even though we try very hard to not include them. We try so hard to have that boundary around, but he still⁠ will either⁠—like you said, he clocks certain things that we try not to, or if something just⁠—he wants to be like⁠—

Jessica: Yeah.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: So here's my advice about that. It concerns him. And in school and everywhere else in life where things concern him, everyone says, "Doesn't concern you. This is about something bigger than you," and he doesn't understand it. But at home, he does understand it. It does concern him. And he's smart enough to clock it. So I would advise you to be like, "You know what? You're really right about this. And I'm going to ask you how you feel about it, and I'm going to tell you that I want to keep this between me and Dad, not because it doesn't concern you but because when I am clear about what I want to say, I'll tell you," or, "When I have an answer, I'll share it." I think you need to treat him a little bit like a bigger kid on this.

Sam: Okay. That makes sense.

Jessica: Yeah. It's like⁠—whatever the hell this means, I keep on wanting to say to you he has the cognitive intelligence of a 14-year-old, not a nine-year-old. And what you might say to a 14-year-old is really different. He's so smart, and he doesn't want to feel locked out of things just because he doesn't fully understand them or just because he's a kid or just because he's different.

So I think you could adjust a little bit⁠—I mean, you don't want to put shit on him, obviously, but also validating that he's like, "You're right. Me and your dad are having a fight right now. And I don't want you to be bothered by it, and I want you to have a great time with your dad. And you don't need to take care of me. And also, you're great at noticing what's going on with people." Giving him that will help him, and it's also going to be easier for you than what you're doing.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. So it's like a win all around. Your daughter, no. But with your son, yes. And validating where he picks up on social cues is a good thing for you to be doing with him in general because of how he is developing⁠—not because there's something wrong with him⁠; there's not⁠—just because how he develops. But also, his school situation is a shit bag, and he's not getting any validation for his social development. And so, where you can, how you can, that's a good idea.

And if you end up staying in Texas, which⁠—eh. But if you end up staying in Texas, are there schools that you're aware of? Do you know the names of the schools that are near to you that you would consider sending him to?

Sam: So⁠—yeah. The school right now that I would say would be [redacted]. And I think there's a private school nearby, [redacted], but I'm not sure if that's something really reasonable right now. But yeah.

Jessica: I don't know if it's reasonable either. But that looks like the better academic environment, and it does look like they make an effort towards racial diversity.

Sam: I think so.

Jessica: I mean, if money was a non-issue, that would be your best bet academically and, I think, socially for him. And then [redacted] looks better.

Sam: Yeah. I mean, that's how I⁠—yeah. I'm not excited about it, but I'm like, I think it's better.

Jessica: I mean, I think this is an important summer for you to really look at the world, look at the country, and see what seems viable. You have to decide with your ex, correct?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah. We can't⁠—

Jessica: Are there any states that he's named he wants to live in?

Sam: I think he said Denver, Colorado, maybe. I think we both like D.C. I just don't think that we can afford it. And Santa Monica.

Jessica: But he doesn't want to be there.

Sam: No, but I mean, I guess he would. It's just it's also very expensive.

Jessica: It's wildly expensive. It's wildly expensive.

Sam: Yeah. I lived in Santa Monica for a year like a decade ago, and I loved it. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, it's a place where the land speaks to you. D.C. looks like a no. It looks like you're going to have problems there. It's not going to be a place where you flow. Colorado? For a man who is concerned about floods and fires, why Colorado? I mean, the basin is dried up, and there's fires. Colorado would be better for your kids. I don't know that you would love it, but it would definitely be better for your kids and, in particular, your elder child, not because it's such a racially diverse place⁠—because obviously it's not⁠—but because I think he would get the academic attention. You would have an easier time getting him into the right kind of environment school-wise where he would meet his own little group of kids, and he would be able to create something for himself.

I honestly think your daughter is going to be kind of fine wherever you place her.

Sam: Yeah.

Jessica: She's one of those kids. I just feel like she knows how to work a room.

Sam: She does.

Jessica: Yeah. She does.

Sam: She's a⁠—I don't want to say bulldozer, like a firecracker⁠—like all those kinds of words. You know?

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. I feel like she⁠—yes. She's all those things. I do think it will be valuable to consider⁠—this would not be 100 percent easy but is viable. So this is, I think, the last piece of advice I can give you. Can you share a document with your ex-husband, and the two of you communicate in writing?

Sam: I try really hard to make sure all of our communications are just writing.

Jessica: Okay. So what I would encourage you doing⁠—being like, "Okay. Let's have a Google doc where we have a map of the U.S., and then let's each of us block out all the states that are not an option." Gray out states that you're like, "No. I'm not saying never or 100 percent no, but it's a no."

And then have a document in that document where you're like, "Okay. So Colorado. Here are all the pros. Here are all the cons. Here's cost of living," so you can start kind of having an organized, not emotional⁠—I mean, it'll be emotional for both of you, but you won't be having to share your emotions⁠—non-emotional way of processing out and planning out the pros and cons of what states are viable for the two of you because that will expedite this process. It will also organize the process. And does that seem like something you could do?

Sam: Yeah. I like a Google doc.

Jessica: It's something he can do at work and you could do at work. You know what I mean? It's like a thing that you could both be working on whenever you get a hair up your ass or whatever. Or if one of you see something about⁠—you know, a news article about Colorado and the basin and you're like, "Come on. Are we really⁠—is that not⁠—is it basically Santa Monica but further"⁠—you know. You can pop that little article in the thing and just be like, "I want us to be aware of that before we make a decision towards Denver," or whatever.

There are pros and cons. No matter what you do, it's going to be a compromise because America. But I do think pointing towards a move will work. Having a map, also, in front of you, if you're like, "Okay. I don't want to be there, but on the border of there I could be," then there could be an agreement the two of you make around that. So, again, keeping it visual, I think, will help it for both of your brains, actually. Yeah.

And you can also have the document out, and if either of your kids see it, be like, "This is America." Turn it into a learning thing. It just is going to be easier on your whole brain to bring the family into the mix.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: I mean, there's so much of this country that's just an automatic no, so it's not going to be too overwhelming, I don't think.

Sam: (laughs)

Jessica: (laughs) But am I wrong?

Sam: No, you're not wrong. That's why I'm like… (laughs)

Jessica: I mean, realistically, right?

Sam: So that's why I thought you would be a good person to help me figure this out.

Jessica: I'm glad. Thank you very much. And also, obviously, yes. Yes. There's just going to be a few states to work with, and I think that's going to be a lot of options. So have we addressed all of your questions?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah. This was incredible.

Jessica: Thank you.

Sam: I mean, I'm sure you do know how incredible it was because you know so many other things. So thank you.

Jessica: It is my pleasure. And I wish you and your kids all the best everything⁠—maybe not all at once, but everything.