Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica:            Steely Dan, welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. What would you like a reading about today?

Steely Dan:     I would like to know why as soon as I turned 54, my life seemed to be basically on steroids. Everything got speeded up. Work, family, everything just went into motion.

Jessica:            And what year did you turn 54?

Steely Dan:     This year.

Jessica:            So 2023.

Steely Dan:     Yes.

Jessica:            So it's interesting because I'm seeing astrologically that in July of 2022 is when things started to speed up, before that 54th birthday.

Steely Dan:     Well, I think they started.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yep.

Steely Dan:     Okay. You're right. You're right.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. When I'm right, I'm happy. I mean, I'm sorry, but also, I'm happy. So we're going to talk about all the things. We're going to talk about all the things, but first, I want to share that you were born April 23rd, 1969, at 1:00 p.m. in Leicester, UK.

Steely Dan:     Leicester in United Kingdom. Yes.

Jessica:            And I should say that there is a real Steely Dan out there, and you are not it. But we're still going with Steely Dan.

Steely Dan:     Yeah. That's my white boy name.

Jessica:            I respect it so much. I mean, if you're going to choose one, that was a good one to choose, in its way.

Steely Dan:     Right.

Jessica:            Okay. So I actually have the answer. And I could give you a 30-second-long answer, and then we could be done, or we could really unpack it. We're going to go for option number 2. Don't worry. But the thing that started in July of 2022 and will be completely over on March 16th of 2024⁠—so you got some time left⁠—is a series of Uranus transits. That's one of the things.

                        Now, something else happens⁠—oh my goodness. In April of 2023⁠—so the month of your birthday, right⁠—

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—you entered into another transit. And this one is called Neptune opposite Jupiter. And you will be going through it from April 2023 until February 2025. Let me tell you they all have pros and cons. They have opportunities and things you need to be very careful around. So we're going to kind of go with all that. But in the mix of all of this, you are also going through a Pluto square your Saturn. And the Pluto square to Saturn is massively consequential as well. So we've got a lot going on.

                        You have this trio of Uranus transits. And what Uranus governs in astrology is freedom and autonomy. It's ironically both associated with community and individuality. It can be experienced in a way where your independence and autonomy becomes really important and also in a way where aligning yourself with groups that are aligned with your vision for what you want to build into the future⁠—it all happens with Uranus, right?

Steely Dan:     Yep.

Jessica:            So Uranus is squaring your Ascendant and conjoining your Mercury, both at almost 19 degrees. They're in the 18- to 19-degree range. And what this means is that you are going through a period that is challenging you to really change how you show up with others and what you require from others, what you give to others. This transit⁠—or both of these transits, rather⁠—can bring you people in your life where you're like, "Oh my God. It's so exciting. What is happening? It's exciting. It's upsetting. It's either. It's both." And they come in really quick, and they teach you something about yourself or the world, and then⁠—poof⁠—they're gone. Does that make sense?

Steely Dan:     Complete sense.

Jessica:            I'm sorry. It's like⁠—

Steely Dan:     No, I mean complete sense.

Jessica:            Yeah. And it's happened with multiple people already, I'm assuming.

Steely Dan:     Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Mm-hmm. The thing that Uranus governs is kind of that feeling that you have in youth where everything is possible and exciting and also makes you want to collapse because it's so much.

Steely Dan:     Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so the thing about when you're young is you've only had so many experiences. But when you're a grown-up adult and you go through Uranus transits, as you are, it's both exciting but also a lot more exhausting because Uranus governs the nervous system, and Mercury is related to your mind. And the Ascendant is related to your body. And so this transit has likely stimulated your own nervous or cardiovascular system. Have you noticed either or both of those things?

Steely Dan:     In a negative or a positive⁠—say more.

Jessica:            It can be both. It can be either. It depends on a variety of factors.

Steely Dan:     Okay.

Jessica:            Uranus can stress the nervous system, and that can make you feel really anxious. It can⁠—especially if you're predisposed to it, can kind of spike attention deficit issues. It can just make you feel nervy. The other thing that can happen is it can start to do those things, and then you're like, "Oh. I have to take care of my mental health. Oh. I have to take care of my nervous system." So, again, it inspires change.

Steely Dan:     So the latter.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. So it's not positive or negative; it is. Now, the other part is, at a certain point in our human development in the meat suit that we call body, what happens is we go through transits and they stimulate the whole system, but because we're older and our physical body has just gone through more, if there's a predisposition towards cardiovascular stuff, Uranus can sometimes be really stressful to preexisting cardiovascular issues. And so it would only be stressful to your cardiovascular system if that was an issue for you already.

Steely Dan:     It's not.

Jessica:            It's not. Great. Wonderful. Beautiful. And may it always be so, knocking on wood. The reason why these transits occur is so that you change your mind. It's so that you change your relationships, how you relate to others, what you consider to be important, and you have new experiences, again, with yourself and in relationship with others.

Because you have Mercury at the top of your chart⁠—it's in your tenth house; it's not at the very top of your chart, but it's in the tenth house⁠—this will impact your professional relationships and your professional path. But because it's involving Mercury, because it's also your Ascendant, it's also your personal life. And because you have a bunch of stuff in your tenth house, your personal relationships and your professional relationships are likely to often overlap. Is that correct?

Steely Dan:         I would say in the past. Not very recently. They no longer overlap. No.

Jessica:      So those relationships have started to break off.

Steely Dan:         Yes.

Jessica:      Okay. Thank you, Uranus. Uranus creates change.

Steely Dan:         Okay.

Jessica:            So the other Uranus transit is that you have Uranus forming a lovely sextile to your Moon. And what this means is that while you've been going through these two transits that can be very upsetting for people, especially⁠—I don't want to point fingers⁠—you're a Taurus, not the quickest to change in the zodiac. But this Uranus sextile to your Moon has been super supportive, making it feel emotionally and spiritually⁠—because you've got that Moon in Cancer in the twelfth house⁠—emotionally and spiritually like, "Oh, this is an opportunity. It's not a crisis. It's like a crux." It's like, "Oh, I get to shift." That makes sense, eh?

Steely Dan:     Totally. Totally.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. You got very lucky here.

Steely Dan:     And in a way that I haven't as a Taurus.

Jessica:            Yep. That's right, because this is a special moment. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that you're going through. And you could go through these other two transits and not the Uranus sextile to the Moon, and it would feel fucking different, like super different.

The Uranus sextile to the Moon supports us in making changes and integrating shifts. It helps us to become more emotionally, and in your case spiritually, adaptable, which is really important because you're going through these interpersonal and identity shifts that require you to process emotionally, because if you weren't processing emotionally through all this stuff, it would be significantly harder.

Steely Dan:     Right. But I am.

Jessica:            But you are. Here's the rub. You are also, as of your birthday month, as of April 2023, going through a Neptune opposition to Jupiter. Now, this is a transit to watch out for. The reason why is because⁠—okay. So there's a couple things I'll say. First of all, you were born in '69. You were part of the generation that has the Pluto/Uranus/Jupiter in Virgo stuff. Now, your Uranus is in Libra, but you're part of this generation that has Pluto/Jupiter in Virgo. This particular natal aspect gives you a really profound drive to heal but to heal big, to grow but to grow it all at once. Are you clutching your pearls?

Steely Dan:     I'm clutching my pearls because, I mean, you're on point, like on point.

Jessica:            Yeah. Here's the thing. Because this conjunction for you is in Virgo, you're usually like, "Okay, but I'm going to focus on the details. I'm going to actually discern all the details. I'm going to be really cautious, and I'm going to be discerning," right? Or judgy, whatever comes up first. But it creates a meticulousness.

                        What you're going through now is a once-in-a-lifetime, not-everybody-goes-through-it transit called Neptune opposite Jupiter. It started April 23; it ends February 25. Now, what this transit does is it spikes your idealism. It takes that part of you that's like, "I could make magic if only I found the right fairy to rub my nose against."

Steely Dan:     I'm done. I'm done. I'm done with you. I'm done with you.

Jessica:            Okay, but we're just getting started. So it takes that part of you that's super⁠—can get a little fantastical, and it puts it on a cloud. Here's the risk of this transit. It can make you feel invincible and like the opportunities in front of you, the relationships in front of you, are so ideal and so perfect and so meant to be that nothing could possibly go wrong. It was kissed by God. And the risky thing about this is that's not what the transit means. It means you feel that way; it doesn't promise you that.

                        This is a transit⁠—whenever I see somebody going through it, I say be careful about cults. Be careful about getting involved in religious or ideological off-grid kind of groups.

Steely Dan:     Not I.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Good. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Steely Dan:     That's not me at all.

Jessica:            Beautiful. Now, I would be more concerned about this if you weren't going through another transit, which I will talk about in a minute. But I want to say this transit⁠—it lasts for two years, and it can be a time where if you stay extremely grounded, you can make progress spiritually in meaningful ways. But it requires keeping it very earth-based, if you can, avoiding drugs associated with spiritual development, because Neptune and Jupiter and Pluto together is not a pretty picture.

                        It is a time where you can cultivate a vision for your future or a collective future that is truly inspired, maybe not the most pragmatic. So this is great for imaginationing. This is great for visioning. This is not a super pragmatic transit. But if you're going to sign contracts, if you're going to sign up with people, which it looks like you likely are considering or will consider at some point, it's going to be really important that you are super litigious, super pragmatic. If you think you only need to sit on it for a day, sit on it for five. If you need to sit on it for month, sit on it for three. Just give it a little extra, okay?

                        Now, the thing that can happen under this influence is that your spiritual experiences become so heartfelt and deep that you take them at face value. And that is not a thing I recommend doing under this transit. So this means understanding that while spirit⁠—and you are a spiritual person, yeah?

Steely Dan:     Yes.

Jessica:            Okay⁠—that while spirit and our spiritual connections and experiences are hugely important and meaningful, there's what happens on the 3D, there's what happens in the material, and it is⁠—some things need to be dealt with on the material because they're material. And the Neptune/Jupiter opposition is like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine, but my guidance says x. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine, but my gut says y." And so you want to be really pragmatic because it's important.

                        And I'll add to that, especially with your duckets⁠—I'm talking about your dollars, because you have Jupiter in the second house, and that means your transiting Neptune is in the eighth. So that means that there is a risk that you put your money into somebody else's vision, and you lose your money that way.

Steely Dan:     [crosstalk]

Jessica:            Okay. Great. It's not in the cards. Beautiful. Great. There's one other transit I can tell you about, but I want to first stop and just say you mentioned work, relationships, family. You tell me, what situations or dynamics come up for you around this? What do you want to ask me about?

Steely Dan:     There's part of me that that wants to always ask about romance. But I'm in a place where I'm deeply grounded around that. I had an experience that came really hard and fast, and I feel like my ancestors were like⁠—you know? They were just like, "Not today, Satan."

And then this other situation came along, and I feel like my ancestors are protecting me and watching over me in that. And it's not something that is being jumped into. It's just like, next year, we will connect. Do you know what I mean? And we will do all the work that has to be done. I feel really centered and calm around that, which is very un-me sometimes. And it's good because I am acknowledging that I am the one that closes down when I don't feel safe. And in this thing, I feel safe. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Steely Dan:     I've known this person for several years⁠—well, two years. And I feel safe with them. And so I think my biggest question is more not around relationships, like romantic relationships, but around my family, like healing my family. The end goal is to go back to my original place that I grew up in. And my family⁠—when my grandmother passed away, who was the matriarch of the family, my family became really fractured. And I think that she requires me to do a lot of healing with them, and I don't know how to do it because part of me is angry at part of that family as well.

Jessica:            Yeah. And where are they? Do you mind if I ask?

Steely Dan:     They're in a small island in the Caribbean.

Jessica:            Do you mind saying it out loud so I can look at it energetically?

Steely Dan:     [redacted]

Jessica:            You say your family, but who is that? Is that siblings? Is that just your mom?

Steely Dan:     No. That's my entire maternal family, so mom and uncles and aunt and cousins. And then some cousins are in different parts of the world, but yeah. That's my maternal family.

Jessica:            So wait. You want to move back there?

Steely Dan:     Yeah. The goal is⁠—you know, my mother is aging, and the goal would be to eventually end up there. I mean, who knows what happens in the world in another five years? It may not exist. It may not be here. You know? But yeah. The goal is to be close to them. I go home every year. I adore these people, but we come with some trauma, or they come with some trauma. And I feel like I'm⁠—I had it in one of my spiritual readings that I was the person that's going to connect everybody back together. And I'm still⁠—I'm not comfortable with that because there are two of these people that really annoy the hell out of me.

Jessica:            Before I look at that, I just want to ask, how is it being Queer there?

Steely Dan:     I think I am lucky. I'm very open. I'm very out, and it doesn't come back at me.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. So it's not⁠—

Steely Dan:     That's not the case for everybody.

Jessica:            This I know. Yeah. And you could move back there with a partner if you had a partner.

Steely Dan:     If I had a partner, and yes, I would⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            So I'm just going to tell you what I'm seeing, which is⁠—the first is that I don't know that it makes a great deal of sense for you to move back without a partner.

Steely Dan:     Without or with?

Jessica:            Without.

Steely Dan:     Okay.

Jessica:            I mean, it looks like if we're being totally honest, that's what you want, not to just go there to work on and with your family, but to build a home, have a life. And to go back there to be in your family in the way that you're talking about without your own support, your own person, your own family, based on the life you've built⁠—it just doesn't seem quite right to me.

Steely Dan:     Yeah. I hear that. [indiscernible 00:17:44] to finding the person who is meant for me, and that person and I will go wherever we want to go. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yeah. Mm-hmm. When I look at this energetically, you've done a really good⁠—–and I should acknowledge you have a Sun/Saturn conjunction. But you've done a very good job of creating this IKEA shelving unit of compartmentalized issues here. There's getting a relationship. There's my career. There's my family. There's all of these things, and you've organized them so well, and you've got so much clarity and maturity around each of them. But there is a lack of, like⁠, "How do I integrate them?"

                        So I want to just say, from where I'm sitting and what I'm seeing energetically, one of your possible paths that's just as possible as any other fucking path is that you find and cultivate a love that can and wants to move with you. That is not being idealistic, and I don't think it's a distraction. I think it's⁠—honestly, I think it's your best-case scenario. And in order to do that, there's a way that you have to be making different choices within yourself when it comes to women.

As you know, devastating fires have shaken Hawaii, and the people there need your help. If you've ever been a tourist in the region and enjoyed any of the magic and beauty of the lands, this is the time to give what you can. You can lend support by donating at any of the links that we've dropped in show notes. Even a small gift can make a huge difference in this time of crisis.

We all know how important it is to continue to mask in public indoor spaces, and that's why I want to tell you about projectN95.org. Their nonprofit mission is to protect communities and those who live and work in them by providing equitable access to resources that keep people safe through COVID-19 and beyond. If you're unable to afford high-quality respiratory protection, Project N95 may be able to help. And if you can afford to buy yourself high-quality masks, this is a great place to buy them. Visit project95.org to keep yourself and your community safe.

Are you looking to level up your skills or expand your self-knowledge with astrology? If so, explore the classes on my website, where you can gain the expertise and also perspective that you seek with various topics, from manifestation to the twelfth house to outer planets and love or exploring mental health with astrology. There are so many classes that I have on the Shop page of my website. Just visit lovelanyadoo.com/shop⁠—that's lovelanyadoo.com/shop⁠—and learn with me today.

States across the U.S. have advanced a record number of bills attacking Transgender rights and threatening the health and safety of Trans people and their families. Whether you're Trans and looking for support or an ally wanting to help, here are three organizations to know about. There's MTUG, or Metro Trans Umbrella Group, serving Trans people directly in the St. Louis area; Transgender Education Network of Texas, which is an advocacy and resource group; and lastly, A Place for Marsha, which facilitates safe housing for Trans individuals escaping transphobic states. Check out these resources, signal boost, and support them however you can.

Steely Dan:     Okay. Let me not be cryptic. Look. There is something in the world going on for me. And we have made a decision to visit it next year.

Jessica:            When you say "something going on"⁠—also, first, you said, "Let's not be cryptic." And then you said "something going on," which was super cryptic.

Steely Dan:     What I meant was let's be cryptic here.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's be more cryptic.

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So what you're talking about is there is a human woman person⁠—

Steely Dan:     A human woman person.

Jessica:            ⁠—and the two of you have acknowledged feelings, but you've also made a call that you're not going to prioritize it at this moment. But that doesn't mean you're deemphasizing it.

Steely Dan:     Right. Exactly.

Jessica:            Okay. And you don't want me to look at it.

Steely Dan:     I mean, you could look at it.

Jessica:            Okay. Say her name, and we're going to beep it out.

Steely Dan:     Oh God.

Jessica:            I'm being pushy. I feel like it's necessary. I'm sorry.

Steely Dan:     You really are.

Jessica:            I am. Can you believe it? I've never been pushy before.

Steely Dan:     All right. Her name is [redacted].

Jessica:            I'm not sure. Am I not seeing this because you're ambiguous about wanting me to see? Do you not actually want me to look at this?

Steely Dan:     I don't, because I don't want to⁠—

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. That's why I'm not seeing it. That's why I'm not seeing it.

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. That's great.

Steely Dan:     But do you know why? Because I know what I feel. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yes, I do. Yes.

Steely Dan:     And I have become a person that has been very guarded in my love life for my own work or lack of doing the work. And I have put myself in this place where I've decided to be completely open with this person. And I've known this person for over two years. Do you know what I mean? Or two years exactly. And I like that the chemistry is amazing. The conversations are amazing. I laugh with them like I've never laughed with anybody before. They're just all these things.

And I want to live like that. I want to be present and also not romanticize that, "Oh, let's get together tomorrow and live happily ever after." We have set this timeline for next year because we both know that we have stuff that needs to be prioritized.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Okay. So, first of all, I love that. When I was looking at it energetically, the reason why I was seeing it wrong and I was being so confused is because you did this really weird thing. And I think it's important for me to name this, okay? Instead of asserting your boundary⁠—"No, I don't want you to look at this"⁠—you created this energetic, weird, webby thing that I couldn't quite see through but I didn't perceive as a wall.

Steely Dan:     Okay. Yeah.

Jessica:            And the reason why I'm saying this is because this is your intimacy issue. This is what comes up for you in intimate relationships. When you're not being clear about your boundary, you put up a weird⁠—it looks like it's not strong, but it's spiderweb strong. You know what I mean? You can't get through it. You get caught in it. It's confusing to people.

                        And so I want to acknowledge this because I'm seeing it so clearly psychically. It is very strong evidence for you working on being really forthcoming about your boundaries because you have the right to say to anyone at any time, "I can't do that right now, but let's return to it tomorrow," or, "I'm not saying no forever. I'm saying in this moment, no. It's a no for me." To just say it without any explanation, without any defense, is perfectly okay.

And I feel like I really need to say this to you because if we were in a personal dynamic and you threw this up⁠—and I know you didn't just throw it up to me. This is clearly your thing. It's very strong. It's very effective in that it confuses you and everyone else, but it doesn't get your needs met. It's like a quick reaction [crosstalk]⁠—

Steely Dan:     I think it does get my⁠—can I just say this?

Jessica:            Yes. Please, please, please.

Steely Dan:     It does get my needs met because sometimes I lead with this, like, "Oh, let's jump into bed. Let's do this," and da-da-da. And then, all of a sudden, it's like, "Whoa. How did that happen?" where with this, it's like mutual respect, deep conversations, them actually asking things about me. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            I do. I do.

Steely Dan:     Acknowledging⁠—

Jessica:            So that's not what I'm referring to.

Steely Dan:     Okay. Okay.

Jessica:            Those things are brilliant. Keep that. What I'm talking about more is that part of you that⁠—okay. So I asked you a question. You knew the answer is no. You knew the answer was, "Don't look at that. I don't want that." But you didn't say it. You just created an energetic wall that I couldn't penetrate. And that's what I'm talking about.

Steely Dan:     Okay. So can I tell you something?

Jessica:            Of course.

Steely Dan:     In my spirituality, I have my hand on Ifa. I am a devotee of Buddha. I've had readings where different priests have told me that. They're like, "You create this wall." They're like, "I can't see anything. There's nothing⁠—I don't know where to go."

Jessica:            And it's very effective. I'm not saying don't work with the wall. I'm saying work with the wall. What you did was a knee-jerk reaction of putting up this wall because it's an old, old habit⁠—this is related to your family of origin. This is an old habit of, like, "There's no point in saying my boundary. It's not going to be respected anyway, so I'm just going to throw up this wall, and this is what protects me."

Steely Dan:     Whoa. Ouch.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Steely Dan:     Ouch. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm on the floor. I'm on my back. My hands are in the air. Oh my God. That's why you are a beast, okay?

Jessica:            Thank you very much. Thank you very much. So here's the thing. If you want things to be different with your family of origin when you go back or when you call them or whatever⁠—you visit them⁠—or with any woman that you end up dating or partnering with, you need to work with this because this is such a strength, and you never want to lose it, but it's⁠—let's say you're a carpenter. You walk around with hammers in your backpack because you know you're going to go and hammer nails. Of course you keep a hammer in your backpack, right? It's a great tool. It works for lots of things.

                        But what's happening as you're walking around with a hammer, swinging it in the air, hoping you don't hurt anyone and you just hit nails. Do you see what I'm saying? You have this remarkable tool that you're very skilled at using. What's happening right now is you're not using it with great intention, and you're not being as selective as you need to be with using it.

Steely Dan:     So here's the thing, is you're saying all of this, and this has just literally happened. Do you know what I mean? And that's why I think in the beginning, I was like, "All my life's on steroids. What's up with that?" And I think that this is, for me, like the intersection between my spirituality and what you're telling me. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yep.

Steely Dan:     [crosstalk] spirituality, my ancestors are able to protect me only so much and that there is this other stuff, right? And I think that what has happened is that I got presented with a situation where I was like⁠—and yeah, like not using the hammer correctly. Do you know what I mean? And that ended up just hitting my own hand and then being like, "God, that hurt." Do you know what I mean? And then realizing that because I'm in this place of change, I'm wanting to be open. I'm wanting to be vulnerable. I'm wanting to⁠—and I'm doing a good job of it. That came really hard, and it took it away really quickly. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            I do.

Steely Dan:     And when I said in therapy⁠—literally, maybe almost a week ago, I said I want love and I want peace and I want laughter, and I want that to be with somebody⁠—I want that. And I literally smack-bang walked into this person, like literally.

Jessica:            Literally. Okay. This does not surprise me. And here's what I'm going to encourage you to do. And you have your own spiritual practice, so adapt this advice to work within your own spiritual framework, of course. I want to encourage you to figure out a way, alone or with help, to identify this wall that I perceive as a wall that is basically of incredibly strong and resilient spiderwebs, but also, I'm seeing it's got an architecture. It's got bones in it. So I don't know if I'm seeing branches or what. That's how it's presenting to me, and different people might see it in different ways.

                        But to really explore identifying being present with what it feels like to be holding this boundary with your family⁠—it comes up with other people, but it's the most obvious with your family. You know they're not going to listen, or you don't trust that they're going to listen. This is the boundary. This is how it feels. This is like the energy that you put out. It doesn't matter what your words are saying or your actions are doing. This is the energy wall you put out to protect you.

My advice to you is to practice noticing this wall so that you can yield it with greater intention, have it bend to protect you, and⁠—

Steely Dan:         So I know what it is, Jessica.

Jessica:      You know what it is?

Steely Dan:         Yeah.

Jessica:            The next step is being able to be more intentional with using it. So, as an example, we're just going to use the example of what happened with us. I said, "Let's do a thing." You said, "Okay," but you threw it up. You threw it up instead of saying, "Oh, no. I don't want to do that, but thank you. I'm tempted, but no," because then you're saving your own energy and you're also using the tool when it's necessary. So what you did, essentially, is energetically used a hammer to protect yourself. You didn't need a hammer. You just needed to do a little flick. You just need to flick me a little. Be like, "No."

                        And so the risk in this is you say to me, "No, I don't want to do it," and I push you. I don't respect you. I don't respect the limit or the boundary. That's the risk, and that's why you didn't do it in the moment. It's not like a conscious thing you're thinking out. It's a reflexive thing that comes from your family of origin.

Steely Dan:     It is true.

Jessica:            It is. And if the holding we're talking about is you going back to them, you need to be able to work on this before you get there because otherwise, you may⁠—

Steely Dan:     Not going to happen. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Jessica:            But not to move there forever.

Steely Dan:     No.

Jessica:            No, no, no. No, no, no. The timing of you going to visit is perfect because you're going just for a visit tomorrow, right?

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            It's perfect for this conversation. It couldn't have worked out better because what this means is that you can really watch it in action. This is going to be perfectly fresh for you, this conversation. And you can watch in action how, at times, you verbalize a boundary and they don't respect it, and at other times, you're in the middle of protecting yourself energetically without even really thinking about it. It's just a self-care thing that happens.

                        And the more awareness you can bring to that habit, two things will happen. One is you'll have more dexterity with it. So think of it as like⁠—listen. I have muscles in my body. I don't want to brag, but I have muscles. But do I use those muscles? Have I trained those muscles? No, sir, I have not. But were I to, let's say, lift weights, I would have the ability to use those muscles more effectively, right? So this is basically like that kind of thing, where I'm encouraging you to lift weights with this particular skill, because you've got this highly developed skill; there's not a lot of dexterity in how you're using it. And this is key. This is the key.

                        So that brings me to the second reason why this is important, because what you cannot know, what none of us can know, is if we stop playing as adults, if we stop playing our role, the good, the bad, the ugly doesn't matter⁠—our role in family trance patterns. We cannot know what the other person will do. We can't know. And the only way to find out is to not play your role. And it's so hard to do. It's just exceptionally difficult to do.

                        But when you shared this thing about you're really feeling from your grandmother that your grandmother is like, "Go home. Help the family," how I heard that was, "Be different. Don't play your own role," not facilitate. I don't think you're going to need to facilitate if you're not in your family trance pattern. Does this make sense, what I'm saying?

Steely Dan:     It makes sense, and I'm going to have to digest it because when you say it to me, I think that when I go home, I⁠—sometimes, my childhood trauma does come up, right?

Jessica:            Yep. Yeah.

Steely Dan:     And I step into this role of avoiding these certain family members who kind of irritate me because they were not kind to me as a child. And so I say fixed with my family who love and protect me, right? And in my adult world and in my⁠—I've been to therapy. There's a spiritual component. I'm able to forgive my family, the ones that don't bring me joy. But there's that child that still is traumatized because one of them will say something that is similar to what I was told as a child. And I don't hold on to it, but I'm just like, "You know what? I don't need to see you for the rest of the trip."

Jessica:            Yep. Mm-hmm. I learned the term "family trance pattern" from an energy healer that I work with, Nikki Sacchi. And what it's in reference to is we all have our family trauma, some of us more than others. But we all have our family trauma. And we essentially⁠—through that process of the family environment, through whatever years of your childhood, we all kind of fall into a trance of, "I'm the bad guy. You're the good guy. I'm too mean. You're too nice"⁠—whatever story.

                        And then, if⁠—most people continue to live and don't do the work, which is the case, usually. One person does the work; nobody does the work. Something like that happens, right? Then you go off, and you live your adult life. And you're super mature, and you're super evolved, and all these things happen. And then you go home, and somebody looks at you sideways the way they did when you were 11 years old. And then the family trance pattern kicks in, and then you're playing your role again because you're that same person because that inner child doesn't go away. We have to find a way to parent that inner child.

                        This trip that you're on your way to go back home⁠—it's like, again, the perfect timing⁠—is the one where you want to really pay attention to when you start to slip into the family trance pattern, it's that part of you that's 5, that's 11, whatever the trigger ages were, that is frozen in time a little bit. And it is very hard to bring those parts of us into the present.

But here, I mentioned to you that there was another transit. And you're going through a Pluto square to Saturn. And Pluto square to Saturn is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and it's very fucking hard. And it's when our internal structure as a human being goes through a profound transformation, and we heal our structural shit.

And so this is about family. It's not exclusive to family. It's about your place in the world. It's about the meaning of family to you and what you're willing and not willing to do for it. It's also about the ways in which you compartmentalize, like this boundary thing that I've stumbled upon. And by the way, I just want to say I don't think this is a cognitive process for you, but you did such a good job of throwing me off the track energetically. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see her. You throw out that energetic boundary so reflexively that it blocks your blessings.

Steely Dan:         Once again, ouch. Ouch.

Jessica:      You're falling. Don't fall out of your chair.

Steely Dan:         I'm back up.

Jessica:      I know. I'm sorry.

Steely Dan:         Good God. You're exactly right.

Jessica:            You want a reading; you get read. The thing to know is that the younger we are⁠—and we're talking about your childhood stuff. The younger we are, the more things are kind of black or white. They're good or they're bad. "This person's a good person for me to be connected to; that person's a bad person for me to be connected to." The older you get, the more nuance⁠—everybody's in more nuance.

And I'll say, when people send in questions to the podcast, people who were born in the '70s and older⁠—man, each question is interconnected to 700 things because the older you get, the more complicated things are, the more aware you are of how everything is interconnected, whereas when you're younger, it's like, "What's going to happen with this person?" It's just much more of a straight shot of a question. And that's not bad or that's good. That's just fucking growing. That's just evolution. That's just time.

What you're going through now is challenging you. It's challenging you to be in the nuance of things that were absolute truths for you your whole life. And that's going to be messy.

Steely Dan:         Oh God. Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah. Circling on back to this family vacation, how long are you going to be there?

Steely Dan:     Ten days.

Jessica:            Oh. Perfect. That's just enough time to really get messy but not enough time to fuck anything up. That's good.

Steely Dan:     Gosh.

Jessica:            That's good. It's good. It's good. So you have the ability to identify the wall. Pay attention to it. I would encourage you to set up times really intentionally where you're going to interact with those family members that make you feel shitty.

Steely Dan:     Oh God. Okay.

Jessica:            I mean, you don't have to listen to me or your grandmother. You can just not do this.

Steely Dan:     Wow. Thanks. Really? That was wrong.

Jessica:            It was meant to be funny, but then as I said it, I was like, "Oh, you're not going to laugh. This wasn't funny. It was only funny for me." No, but seriously⁠—

Steely Dan:     No, it is funny because then, in my head, I'm like, "If I don't do this, I'm pushing away everything that's meant for me in my life."

Jessica:            Yeah. And that's not it. That's actually not it. Here's the thing. Maybe you'll do it this trip. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll do it this trip and you'll fail, and maybe you won't. But there's always the next time. It's not over. It's not like you miss your chance. It's really just about gauging where you're at. If I see a heavy box, I can say to myself, "That's a heavy box. I'm not even going to bother trying to lift it," or I could try to lift it. I could try to lift it by bending from my knees, or I can just be a fool and just be like, "It's a piece of paper," and then hurt myself. There's a bazillion ways to interact with that same heavy box.

                        What I'm encouraging you to do is know that this is one fucking heavy box, this dynamic with your family. So what do you do? You prepare yourself. If you're going to hang out with Uncle Ned, you're going to say, "Okay. I have to call in my ancestors. I have to do my own spiritual boundary work. But I also have to be open and present," not un-boundaried, but present, because the only way to protect yourself is in the present. The only way to receive the guidance and the assistance of your blessings is in the present.

                        So you go there with the intention of not just interacting with them, but knowing yourself in the present moment as you do, because that tells you what you need to work with on yourself. And I'm not saying if Uncle Ned treats you like shit, you have to be able to take it. No. It's about having healthy boundaries with the challenging parts of the people that you choose to interact with. If someone is straight-up abusive, then the choice is always there for you to say, "No. I do not consent to this form of interaction."

Steely Dan:     Right.

Jessica:            But I don't see that that's really the call you're making. So this is where going and really just gauging, "How heavy is this box? How capable am I of lifting this box? How far can I carry this box?" not, "How do I heal everything and honor the wishes of my grandmother?" That's like 20 boxes. You're not going to do that right now. You're just gauging. "How heavy is this box? How do I want to lift this box? How far can I carry this box?" so that you learn about yourself.

                        So this is like a way to, just so you know, not just be working on your family shit, but working on your love life. This is a way to be working on you. If I stick with this metaphor, there is a way that you have powered through lifting these heavy boxes. You've powered through the important stuff with your family. What you haven't done is pick it up, carry it a few steps, put it down, stretch, call someone, scroll through TikTok, pick it up again, take a few more steps⁠—you haven't figured that out yet for yourself. But you deserve it.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be complete. It doesn't have to be a straight line in order for it to be right.

Steely Dan:         I get it.

Jessica:            Excellent. That's what I wanted to hear. Okay. So, all of this said, we've spoken about love a little. We've spoken about family and your transits in general. Did we hit your major questions? Is there anything else that you want to know?

Steely Dan:     Is there anything else I want to know? I feel like we've hit all the major questions. I think this makes me feel at peace, and it makes me know that I am listening to what's going on in my heart and that, yes, there can be clarity in that, in listening to it. I don't do well in relationships because I just wanted to⁠—I wanted to be loved, you know? Because I didn't feel all of that as a child, even though it was there from some people but not everybody.

                        And so I showed up like that in my relationships. And I think⁠—not think. I know that at this juncture and where I'm at with this person, it's a really important place for me to be at because it means that I have to navigate better. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yeah. I do.

Steely Dan:     And want my own needs and request my own feelings, but also allow the space for them to do their thing⁠—

Jessica:            Yes.

Steely Dan:     ⁠—because I think that's how the world is. Do you know what I mean? I think that there's no longer all of these just⁠—and I hate saying the word "straight," but there are no longer these straight arrows, you know? And there's these things that are put in front of us to see how we react to them. And I think that⁠—not I think. I feel this is genuinely in my heart, that I have never been truthful about what I want from a person. I want to get married. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yes.

Steely Dan:     I want a family. And even if that's their family, I want their family and my life. I don't want to be separated. I want to be around children. Do you know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Steely Dan:     I want to be a grandparent with my persons. But it's just like, yeah, I want this woman who exists in the world, and it's just going to take time.

Jessica:            Yeah. You have Sun/Saturn conjunction in your birth chart. It means that family is incredibly important to you. But most people who have Saturn at the top of the chart will kind of experience the coming together of that closer to second Saturn Return, which is in a few years for you still.

The other thing is that the Sun/Saturn conjunction generally means that you didn't feel loved in the way that you needed and wanted to be loved. It wasn't fluid and easily accessible, which doesn't mean you weren't loved and cherished and prioritized, but it means that there was a feeling that you had to take care of yourself or you had to take care of other adults around you.

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And you do have Mars in the fifth house, which⁠—yeah, you want a bunch of kids, whether or not they're your kids, whether or not they're animals or they're other people's kids. But you want loud, annoying children around you. That's a good thing for you.

Steely Dan:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And then to the kind of more serious piece, which is, in your birth chart, you have a North Node/Chiron/Venus conjunction. And Venus and Chiron are both in Aries. One of the things that you, on a soul level, are here to learn is how to be with passion without chasing it, how to be activated in love while also not grasping tightly.

Steely Dan:     This is⁠—you're freaking me out right now. You are freaking me out right now. This is blowing my mind. Literally, this is blowing my mind.

Jessica:            You do look a little panicked.

Steely Dan:     I'm not panicked. I'm not panicked at what you're saying. I'm panicked because that is exactly where I'm at.

Jessica:            Yeah. This is it. This is it. This is where you're supposed to be at. This is it. Yeah. And the key is not rushing around to chase it⁠—that's an Aries problem⁠—but also not holding on to it so that it stays passionate, so that it stays one way, because the truth is love is sometimes boring. Intimacy is sometimes hard to reach. Everyone that you love, everyone that you trust, will be a pain in your ass one day, and you will be a pain in theirs. And that's part of it.

Steely Dan:     That's part of the love.

Jessica:            It is.

Steely Dan:     Do you know what I'm saying?

Jessica:            It is. And Aries sometimes is like, "It's not supposed to feel this way." Also, you have a Leo Rising. So love is supposed to be fun and exciting at all times. And this is where you can get really all-in at beginnings, and then when it's those middle points, it can become harder to find the motivation. It's like you go from this burning, fiery, beautiful love to Sun conjunction to Saturn.

Steely Dan:     Totally.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Steely Dan:     I support you in that statement. It is true.

Jessica:            So it isn't bad or good. It's about working with your nature. That's all it is, because what this can lead to is you being mature and accountable and also being willing and able to have times where things are kind of like (sad trumpet sound), and other times where things are fiery and starting up again. That's the good part about things going on the snooze, is that when the alarm comes back on, you really hear it. And with love and with passion, this can be the case for you.

                        But it does ultimately require that you're more honest at the beginning with people so that they really get to know the real you so that when those moments hit⁠—those snooze moments, those hard moments⁠—that you have somebody who knows the real you and not the parts of you that you're more comfortable being known by.

Steely Dan:     Yes. Everything you've said lands in such a wonderful way for me because it gives me the tools to practice what I'm practicing. It gives me the tools to change and twitch⁠—twitch?

Jessica:            Tweak. Tweak.

Steely Dan:     Tweak. And tweak some things. And it allows me to be gentle with myself.

Jessica:            Good. That's the fucking move, man. Gentle with yourself. And it is hard in such a violent world to be gentle with yourself. And I'm so glad we got to do this reading.

Steely Dan:     Yeah. Me, too. I really am.

Jessica:            Yeah. Me, too.

Steely Dan:     Well, thank you, sis.

Jessica:            Thank you. My pleasure. My pleasure.