Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            Jane, welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about?

Jane:                Thank you so much, Jessica. I am so excited to be here. So let me read my question. "I have let my homophobic parents stay in my life since they are working on their attitudes toward my identity. It has been challenging, and I often feel a lot of hurt and betrayal within my relationship with both of them. These feelings have recently been amplified when I learned that my mom had voted for Trump. So I ask, how can I⁠—or can I⁠—balance boundaries with my parents while also upholding my own dignity as a human being?"

Jessica:            Motherfucker. That's such an intense reality and question. I'm sorry.

Jane:                Thank you.

Jessica:            Yeah. And your dad didn't vote for Trump?

Jane:                No. My dad abstained from voting.

Jessica:            Ah. Okay. Yeah. It's its own complexity.

Jane:                Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Do you live with your parents?

Jane:                No. So I live about an hour and a half away from them for a drive.

Jessica:            Okay. So you're close. You're not immediately close.

Jane:                Yes.

Jessica:            And forgive me if this is an indelicate question, but are you financially dependent on them at all?

Jane:                I am grateful that I'm not financially dependent on them.

Jessica:            Congratulations. That's awesome. Okay. Great. Those are really important details. And you're out and proud, and they know it.

Jane:                Yes.

Jessica:            In terms of how they behave towards you, is it one of those things where they say homophobic shit at you and to you or they talk about "those gays" and not you?

Jane:                So, before I came out, it was like the latter. It was like "those gays." But when I came out, it was first a lot of conversations between the three of us, me and my parents. And now it's⁠—we just don't talk about it. It's just not even brought up.

Jessica:            And do you have a partner?

Jane:                I do.

Jessica:            Okay. And I'm assuming a woman, a female partner.

Jane:                She/her. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. She/her. Okay. So I'm assuming that she doesn't hang out with your family at all.

Jane:                So she has been invited to my family parties, and actually, for the first time, I was allowed to bring a partner on a family vacation just for one day. She didn't sleep over or anything like that. But before, I dated a long-term partner who was not allowed or invited to family⁠—so this has been a long time coming, and that's kind of that growth aspect I spoke about.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                This is them trying to open up.

Jessica:            Well, shit. Okay. So I should share you were born March 8th, 1997, in Worcester, Massachusetts, at 7:35 a.m.

Jane:                Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. I said it right. That's a miracle.

Jane:                You did. You did.

Jessica:            It was a miracle. It was a miracle. So okay. So there's a lot of layers that we can talk about, but I guess I would ask you to clarify for me, if you could have any relationship with your parents⁠—the people that they are, not your fantasy parents⁠—what would that relationship be?

Jane:                I think it's hard because I reflect back to the relationship I had with them before I came out. We were really, really, really close. And now, I have since reflected and realized that that closeness was because I was doing a lot of things that they wanted me to do and I was who they wanted me to be. So, when you ask me a question like that, I think back to this dynamic I had with them, but then it's like that's not possible.

So I guess the relationship I want is one that I can say things that are affecting me around the world and acknowledge our reality and not be met with silence or that awkwardness⁠—I guess to be seen in the way that encompasses my queerness as well. It's an answer but also not.

Jessica:            Yeah. No, it's an answer. It's the kind of information I was looking for.

Jane:    Okay.

Jessica:            Part of what you're sharing is you were really close to your parents and that coming out changed that.

Jane:    Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. And you do you have a sibling?

Jane:    I do. Yeah. I have a younger brother.

Jessica:            And how is he with your queerness?

Jane:                He is amazing. He accepted me right out the gate, and in fact, he is pretty much the reason why my mom kind of started coming around. It was 2022. My brother was really the one that drove that, and then my dad was the last one. In 2023, he reached out and really wanted to make a little bit of a change.

Jessica:            That's cool and complicated and layered and all the things. So there's a lot that I want to say, and I kind of want to really get into⁠—how do you actually deal with this, and what do you do? I want to get practical because I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But I first want to say you have a Pisces stellium in your twelfth house that is intercepted in your twelfth house. You've got your Moon, Venus, Mercury, and Sun all sitting on top of each other. That's four planets all sitting on top of each other just tucked away in the subterranean twelfth house in Pisces, of all things. And what that tells me straight out the gate is how sensitive you are, how deeply you just want this to fix itself and for you to not have to confront people about it, and how important the lesson of boundaries are in your life.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            I mean, even if you spend your whole life dedicated to the embodiment and clarity around your boundaries, it's still going to be your lesson. It's like your thing. And related to that, being able to have boundaries with other people requires first that you identify where you begin and end, what your rights are, what your desires are. And so that's where I kind of want to start with you. Do you feel like, as⁠—I don't know if you're homo-identified, if you're⁠—what is your identity? What's your⁠—yeah.

Jane:                Oh, I am homo-identified. I identify as a big, ol' lesbian. Oh yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Okay. Great. Great. So using the right words. Okay. As a big, ol' homo, do you feel that you have the right to show up with your Gay-ass self around your family, that that is an inalienable right of yours? I mean, I know you want those things. But do you actually feel that you have a right to those things?

Jane:                It's hard because I feel like it can be tied so easily to conflict and causing an issue, where⁠—I don't know. I'm very outspoken about Gay rights. I'm lucky enough to be able to be that at work and my friend group, in all areas. And I think it's only muted in my family life, and it's because it's like, "Ahh, why rock the boat? Why?" But⁠—

Jessica:            Interesting. So I just want to reflect something back to you. I asked you if you felt you had a right, and you described your external circumstances. You described not wanting to rock⁠—you say the boat. I'm assuming you mean someone else's boat. So that tells me, no, you don't think you have a right, or you maybe do, but you'd rather not exercise that right because it's kind of conflictual.

Jane:                I think it's that one. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. And were you raised religious? Were your parents religious?

Jane:                My dad is a deacon in the Catholic faith.

Jessica:            Wow. Okay.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And deacon⁠—forgive my ignorance⁠—is like besties with the pastor?

Jane:                Exactly.

Jessica:            Okay.

Jane:                So, basically, he's very, very, very involved in the church.

Jessica:            So your dad is religious, and your mom, I'm assuming, as well. I mean, she voted for Trump, so she's gotta have one thing or another going on, right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And their Catholicism posits that it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Jane:                Steve. Exactly.

Jessica:            Yeah. Some bullshit, but I mean, I heard the quotes. So okay. So I want to start with saying that if you yourself were raised in the church to believe that it should not be Adam and Steve⁠—and look at you being like Eve and⁠—I don't know. The homophobes haven't come up with a hateful way to talk about Queer women. Goddamn. But if you fully, fully believed that you had a right to be Gay in public around God-fearing Christians, then this would be a very different question, right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so I want to just identify that, because in order to have a boundary that's not defensive and combative⁠—which is, I'm guessing, how it comes off when you do express your boundaries with them.

Jane:                Absolutely.

Jessica:            Yeah. The reason why it comes off as defensive and combative is partially because, I mean, we're all⁠—we regress into our childhood with our parents. That's just a human thing. But most of it is actually because you don't fully believe that you have a right to be Gay around God-fearing Christians, good Christians. There is a part of you that believes that it is inherently⁠—there's society, and then there's Gays.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So there's two parts to this. One is, in order to evolve your participation with your parents, which is really⁠—it's the foundation; it's gotta be⁠—that part needs to evolve. And maybe that evolution is you decide, "You're right. Being Gay is somehow sinful, and you should never be Gay around Christians." Obviously, that's not what I think.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            But there's a part of you that does question that, so let's hold space for that part.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And if you are to evolve to a place where you say to yourself, "Well, I know that that's not true and that there are huge groups that I was raised around of people who do believe that's true. And I have empathy for those people, and I identify, even, with those people. And also, my world has expanded, and I don't agree"⁠—so there's this very important piece because I think everyone of any astrological background is likely to struggle with this if they were raised in homophobia, express homophobia.

                        But because of the way that your chart is written, girl, you even have your South Node in Pisces, at the anaretic degree of Pisces. I mean, you have come here to have boundaries, to not backslide into what's easy and what's expected for other people. That is a huge lesson for you on a soul level, on a personality level. There's not a lot of mixed messages in your chart. I'll say that, okay? That's the lesson.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And being able to be out and proud and clear about who you are in environments that are neutral or embracing is a lot. It's good. It's great. But if you do that without holding space for that part of you that is like a religious deacon's kid⁠—he thinks that maybe sexuality in general is sinful, and certainly, express homosexuality is like triple sin or something⁠—then it's going to be really hard to have boundaries with other people if you don't kind of bring that part of you into your own heart.

                        And that brings me to the second thing that I want to name, which is, if that's how you feel, imagine how hard it is for them.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            This does not justify or excuse their behavior. It doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. It just means you can have empathy of⁠—you have a hard time. You love being Gay. Am I right? Am I [crosstalk]⁠—

Jane:                Oh, I love being Gay. I love being Gay.

Jessica:            Being Gay is the greatest.

Jane:                It's the best.

Jessica:            I adore homosexuality and all forms of Queerness. I'm a huge fan myself. And even you, who's a huge homo who loves your big, Gay life, is struggling with this.

Jane:                Yep.

Jessica:            Yeah. So, for them who get no benefit from homosexuality⁠—they don't get any good Gay loving. They don't get good Gay community. It's like they're obviously being spoken to by the MAGA right, so it's very transphobic, very homophobic, very patriarchal, right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            It's so much harder for them. And that doesn't mean they're allowed to do the shit they do. It means that you adjust your expectations.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            I'm going to have you say your full name out loud for me.

Jane:                All right. [redacted].

Jessica:            Okay. Do you know your grandma on your mom's side?

Jane:                I do.

Jessica:            Yeah. How is she?

Jane:                She is a little cold, a little distant.

Jessica:            She looks like a fist to me. She looks like a tight fist. She looks like a bird who sits on a perch⁠—

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—and doesn't make sounds, doesn't sing. She looks tight. And did your mom work in her life?

Jane:                She did.

Jessica:            Yeah?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            She has this real "I stand by my man" vibe going.

Jane:                Oh, she's big "stand by my man." Big.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Okay. So her working she doesn't associate with financial independence⁠—she associates with contributing to their shared resources, but he's the man.

Jane:                Yes, very much.

Jessica:            This issue of your⁠—I mean, I'm going to call it your liberation. They're going to call it your abandonment of traditional values, right?

Jane:                Yes.

Jessica:            But for a woman to abandon traditional values is to seek her own liberation.

Jane:                I love that.

Jessica:            So do I. But to your mother, it's like spitting in her face. It's rejecting everything that she's chosen.

Jane:                Yep.

Jessica:            More than your dad, in a way, you know? Your mom, of her own volition, is a very powerful person, and she's made herself small in her life. Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            You are just pick, pick, pick, pick, picking at that. That's not what your plan is. That's not your master plan. Every time you have a feminist thought⁠—forget the Gay thoughts. It's the feminism that fucks her up.

Jane:                It is. It is.

Jessica:            Yeah. If you were a quiet, pious lesbian-type who just walked around looking normal and not really telling people shit and didn't talk about feminist ideas, she would have an easier time.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            It's that she feels it's a personal attack every time you are like⁠—even if you said to her, "You don't have to clear the dishes. We can all do it," or something, she would feel that that was you fucking with her.

Jane:                Yeah, trying to undermine or make⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Trying to treat her like she's too stupid to make good choices. That's what she feels. She feels that you think she's too stupid to make good choices. She's angry about it. Does she act angry? Is she forthcoming angry, or is she [crosstalk]?

Jane:                My mom does not express her emotions. But I do think she's been overcompensating lately, which could, I think, contribute to those deep feelings that she may be feeling in a way where she's been reaching out a little bit more, calling. But it's really reassuring to hear the resentment piece that maybe she feels of me, whether it's judgment⁠—I've always felt that or wondered⁠—not always, but⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. She's angry.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            She's angry. And if she doesn't know how to experience or express anger⁠—and let's not forget we speak two days short of the Mars Retrograde, in the belly of the Mars opposition to Pluto, so anger and embodiment⁠—and that Mars opposition to Pluto was active during the presidential election, when she made her choice, which I honestly do see her regretting at this time. I do think she's scared. I do think she's aware that she made a choice, and there are certain consequences she hadn't thought through, and she's thinking about them now. Has she talked to you about that?

Jane:                No, but I think what got her⁠—she has a really good relationship with my brother. It used to be me and my dad, her and my brother. And this is the year I finally got my brother to vote. I got him registered. He voted. And she had to say in front of him that she'd voted for Trump. My brother said⁠—he was like, "Really?" And you could see. So I'm surprised to hear that, though. She would never express that to me.

Jessica:            No. She would never express it to anyone.

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            From what I'm seeing, she doesn't do something and then, five minutes later or five years later, say, "Oh, that was a mistake I made"⁠—

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—because she feels that acknowledging a mistake is in some way being disrespectful to God. She's like⁠—I don't know if prosperity gospel is big in the church you were raised in, but it's that kind of a thinking of, "Everything I do is a reflection of God. So, if I've done something wrong, then I'm saying that God's done something wrong. So I can't do that. I have to focus on what I'm doing right for God." She feels like she's taken these doctrines and just been like, "These are the rules that I live by. These are the rules that I live by."

Jane:                Yeah. I mean, we grew up on the term "cafeteria Christian" where you can't pick and choose the parts of the religion that work for you. It's like all or nothing.

Jessica:            I see.

Jane:                Black and white.

Jessica:            This is who she is.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And it's not who she was when you were born.

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            It's who she is now.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            She made a choice, somewhere before the age of seven for you, that she was going to tuck away all of her personality. She was going to let go of her friendships and her ideas and her identity to be a wife and mother, period. And then you came along, and you were the perfect little Minime. You were the perfect little girl. Were you not?

Jane:                Yeah. I was, yeah.

Jessica:            I mean, you look at your chart; you did nothing wrong.

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            Even if you had a temper tantrum, you would then be like, "I'm sorry." You really were exactly what she wanted and needed. You were this girl.

Jane:                Oh yeah.

Jessica:            You were a girl, and you were cute, and you were inoffensive, and you were pleasing, and you were submissive. And also, you're not any⁠—I mean, you're all of those things, and you're also a lot more than those things. So I'm guessing something happened in later puberty where you all of a sudden started to expand your world. And I do see that your mother has felt that that was a rejection of all the things that she chose when she was not terribly much older than you, right? So she was in her early 20s when she had you?

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, it all shows up in the chart, right? So imagine being in your early 20s and making choices that you have to double down on for the rest of your life. I mean, you have to drink from the well of denial, right?

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            So this comes back to you, which is to say there is a part of you that really struggles not with your Gayness but with your Gayness in the presence of godly people.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah, which tells you that it is about your Gayness. I don't know if it's about your beliefs in terms of religiosity or if it's about your beliefs around appropriate conduct for adults in a society.

Jane:                I feel like it's that.

Jessica:            Yeah. I kind of think it's that, too.

Jane:                Right?

Jessica:            Yeah, because you don't really believe anything, but you do believe in things. Listen. You got a million planets in Pisces. Yes, indeed. You also have a Saturn/Mars opposition in your birth chart. You have a Capricorn Midheaven. And so order is something that you rely on because you are not a well-ordered person internally. You are just a mutable water sign in the twelfth house.

Jane:                Oh my God. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            You're like floop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop. And then there's these single parts of you. There's two parts of you that are structured⁠—

Jane:                Uh-huh.

Jessica:            ⁠—and that are reliable. And so there's a tendency to over-rely on them, right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And those parts of you want there to be⁠—just like what your mom wants⁠—a simple right and wrong. You do this, and you're rewarded with heaven. You do that, and you're punished with hell. Bada-bing, bada-boom. And so you get around those people, and they've all agreed on what the rules are.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And you agree on the rules. There's a part of you⁠—even though you don't agree on the rules, you do agree on the rules. We have to hold space for that nuance, right? We're messy, complicated people. First and foremost, I will say⁠—do you have a therapist?

Jane:                Oh, I do. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. This is a good topic to bring to your therapist because it's not exactly something that's just going to magically heal on its own. You've got to kind of choose to wrangle with it and to acknowledge the parts of you that are still that good girl and want to be the good girl, and that's what that is.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And then we have to talk about conflict, right? Well, wait. No. Let me pause because that's a really big thing, and I don't want to blow past it. Do you have any questions come up or thoughts come up around any of that?

Jane:                No. I mean, I do appreciate the perspective of the good girl in order⁠—and I'm still thinking it through, but I guess it adds new language to this topic I've really thought about in a couple of different ways. So, yeah, it's making sense. It's hitting.

Jessica:            Okay. Great.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Okay. Good. Hitting is good. And let's go to the next layer, which is conflict.

Jane:                Okay.

Jessica:            You have a right to say⁠—and how long have you been with your partner, your girlfriend?

Jane:                Over two years now, just a little bit.

Jessica:            Okay. So it's not like six months. This is a long-term relationship. Okay. You have a right to say to your parents, "Hey, I've been with my partner for two years. She is a part of my life. And if you want to invite me over for dinner on Friday, if you want to invite me over for Christmas, you need to understand you're inviting both of us. And if you don't want to invite both of us, that's okay. Don't invite me, because you're inviting both of us." You're allowed to have that boundary. The question is⁠—I mean, there's a lot of questions, but one is, does your partner want to be involved in your family?

Jane:                Yes and no.

Jessica:            Okay.

Jane:                I think she sees that⁠—my partner is incredible with her boundaries. She has strong boundaries set up with her family. In fact, I learned a lot from her already. And I think she sees that I don't have great boundaries with my family. I think sometimes she's like, "Yeah, I'll sit this one out. It's okay."

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah, because the tricky thing is, on the one hand, when we bring our partner around our family of origin, it's our responsibility to protect that person, right? And if you can't have boundaries with your parents, then you can't protect your partner, and you shouldn't ask her to come. Right? That's real. On the other hand, when our partners come with us around our families, it's their job to be our wingman, our cheerleader. She's supposed to be there for you. But this is one of those things where, if you're not setting any kind of standard of conduct, she can't really help you, right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so I'm just going to give you my little structure, and then you let me know. The question for me is, can you say to your parents, "I love you guys. On this, the two years of me and my partner, I've come to a decision. Every once in a while, if I'm going to hang out with you without my partner, great. But if it's any kind of a family gathering situation, my partner of two years should of course be invited. And if you don't want her there, please ask me to come."

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And then, if they say yes⁠, which⁠—of course, they will not just say yes to that⁠⁠—what you would need to do then is to allow them to have their emotions. You don't take on their emotions. You don't negotiate their emotions. You don't convince them to have other emotions. You let them have their emotions. They're entitled to their emotions. But they are not entitled to make you hold their emotions, to be a punching bag, to take on any kind of bullshit. You don't have to explain anything to them. They understand what a partner of two years means.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            By two years, they had kids, right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            They understand what a partner of two years means.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            So being able to say to them, "If you have questions, as long as they're respectful, I'll totally answer them. But this is just a boundary that I'm setting with you guys because I love myself. I love my partner. My partner loves me. And if I'm going to spend time with you, I just need you to love me in this way." Boom. Nothing more. They can push. They can pull. But here is the boundary. You don't discuss it past that point. Defensiveness is a betrayal that you aren't holding your own boundary.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            When you start getting defensive with people, it's a betrayal that you are in a state of rigidity or too much fluidity. You're not just owning it. You're not just owning, "Hey. It doesn't matter my partner's a woman. It matters that my parents are loving towards me or not."

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So what comes up for you when I say that, when I suggest this?

Jane:                I think what can be the hardest⁠—and I've talked about this a lot with my therapist⁠—is⁠—and you kind of touched on it, where my parents aren't really people that are very receptive to a communicated verbal boundary. Specifically, my dad can really quickly turn it and make it about himself. Like you mentioned earlier, it's completely on me to uphold a boundary and then also to be like, "You can be upset. You don't have to agree. You don't have to love it, rather." And that's hard for me.

Jessica:            Yeah, it's hard.

Jane:                That's hard. It's hard.

Jessica:            It is hard. It is hard. This is why most people have bad boundaries, because it's hard, because it feels terrible. That's why.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And so don't feel bad that it's hard. It's more a question of when you're ready. That's the move because this is the thing. Yeah, your dad can make anything about himself that he wants to. That's him not having emotional skills. That's all. That's just him being him. He is not a surprising person. He's predictable. He's so predictable⁠—you notice I'm not even talking about your dad because he's the predictable one. You know exactly what he's going to say. You know exactly what he's going to do.

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            You know the tone he's going to do it in. There's very little variation to how that man engages with other humans.

Jane:                Oh my God. That's so accurate. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, sure. You know what your dad will do. He'll make it about himself. He'll be weird. He'll be kind of aggressive, kind of passive. It's going to be a little confusing. It's also just going to⁠—the function is to shut everyone down. His move is, "I'm going to shut everyone down."

Jane:                Yeah. Oh yeah.

Jessica:            Your choice is whether or not you let it shut you down. Now, you might have the emotions of being shut down, but you don't actually need to have the action of shutdown. So this is where⁠—you're right⁠—a clearly articulated, wholesome boundary with your parents is not going to go over well⁠—

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            ⁠—in any version of Donald Trump's America.

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            This is not going to work, right? And that doesn't mean you don't deserve to have the boundary.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            We don't identify, name, and uphold our boundaries because of how other people react. We do it out of a form of self-love. And in your case, there's an element of love of your partner, right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And you can't navigate your family of origin for a partner. We don't want to do weird self-sacrificey, matyry shit. Right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And also, there is something inside of you that thinks your Queerness is not for decent Christians and that, on some level, it's understandable why they're actively homophobic. And that is something your partner has to know because she's paying attention, and it's not super subtle, by the way. You know what I mean? It's not super subtle. So that's not about her. She knows it's not about her. But it's not separate from her. It involves her.

                        And again, you can't do this shit for her, for any woman, at all. Nor should you. But this part of you that's so concerned with not rocking the boat for your parents and your family at-large⁠—you are willing to drop yourself and your partner in the water.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            So it's not really about not wanting to rock the boat. Your boat's rocked. Your partner's boat is rocked.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            So it's really a question of whose boat you're willing to rock. This is the thing. Every person who's ever thought, "I don't want to rock the boat"⁠—you are putting yourself underwater to have that thought. And on the one hand, this is part of why I asked straight out the gate, "Are you financially dependent on your parents?" because that puts you in a different position, right?

Jane:                Yeah, it does.

Jessica:            But you want to have a loving relationship with your parents. But you don't need to have any relationship with your parents if it's not done in a respectful way.

Jane:                So true. Very true.

Jessica:            I have another question.

Jane:                Okay.

Jessica:            When your friends piss you off or hurt your feelings or do something fucking not awesome, do you tell them that you've hurt your feelings or pissed you off?

Jane:                Usually, no.

Jessica:            Okay.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            So this is like a big-picture issue.

Jane:                It is, and it's one that I'm aware of, kind of, as of these last few years. But it is a big-picture issue. Yeah.

Jessica:            It is. And with your partner, is it the same thing? Do you tell her what's up when something's wrong?

Jane:                Thankfully, yes. Yes. She and I have some good communication there for sure. Yeah.

Jessica:            Great. Yeah. Because of the way your chart's written, when Mars is engaged⁠—so when you are having sex with someone, basically, it's easier for you to be really direct.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            That's just how it's easier for you. You know what I mean? And do you live with her?

Jane:                I do. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Have your parents ever been to your house?

Jane:                Just my mom.

Jessica:            And was your girlfriend there?

Jane:                She was there for a little bit. So my mom came to help us paint the walls, and so yeah, she had to go to work, my girlfriend. So there was a little bit of overlap⁠—

Jessica:            Okay.

Jane:                ⁠—but not the whole day together.

Jessica:            Right. And how was your mom with your girlfriend?

Jane:                She's good. I think she's⁠—she's so cordial, and that's the thing that's hard about my parents, is they're not the mean⁠—I mean, homophobes are mean in general, right? But they're not like the outright verbally abusing.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                So, you know, she's [crosstalk].

Jessica:            It's the Christian thing. It's nice and pleasant and everything is like⁠—you don't know that there's⁠—it's like a cultural thing, right?

Jane:                Yep.

Jessica:            Okay. So this brings me to something else, which I think will be very, very hard for you, but I'm going to name it anyways⁠—

Jane:                Okay.

Jessica:            ⁠—is, if you haven't already, saying to your mom, "Knowing how little you care about Gay people, that you were able to vote for Trump⁠—it eats a hole in me, and it hurts my feelings deeply. And it's just not about politics. This is personal. This is about me. And just so you know, I'm Gay. I'm going to stay Gay whether or not it becomes dangerous." If you were to say something to that effect⁠—because I'm assuming⁠—maybe different words, but that's your truth, right?

Jane:                Yeah. Yep.

Jessica:            She might weep, right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm.

Jane:                Yep.

Jessica:            A white woman's tears, a white Christian woman's tears, are a very powerful thing.

Jane:                Literally.

Jessica:            Yes. And so she might weep. She might deny. And whatever it is that she says or does is only a reflection on her own limited emotional capacity. She is not capable or willing⁠—but it's really about capacity at this point with your mom⁠—to evolve in such a way that she could hear you without only hearing, "I'm criticizing you, Mom. I'm criticizing you, Mom. You're not good enough, Mom."

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's her problem. It's not your problem. Your problem is your mom is homophobic. Her problem is she can't take responsibility for her behavior. And for as long as you don't deal with your problem because you're protecting her from her problem, both of your problems persist. You don't get to help your mom fix this. She's your mom. She's a grown-ass adult. But you do get to choose, slowly or fast⁠—whatever you prefer⁠—over time to not do what she does, which is let things slide that are not okay⁠—

Jane:                Not okay.

Jessica:            ⁠—just to make sure everything seems okay. And so you can decide to have a relationship with your mother and your father where you let them know, "I'm Gay. I'm happy I'm Gay. I love my life. The hardest part of my life is you guys."

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            You're allowed to do that and still go over for dinner and still have Christmas with them. You're allowed to own your own grief and your own sadness and your own joy and your own weirdness in front of them and around them and let them feel whatever they feel. And you're allowed to be in the mess with them because what you're doing is you're being in the mess around them but not with them. You're protecting them from the reality. And they're a little bit protecting you from the reality because I think if you went to their church, you would now a little bit more about their reality.

Jane:                Oh yeah.

Jessica:            If you went to their church, I'm guessing you'd be too pissed off to go visit them.

Jane:                Probably.

Jessica:            Yeah. Maybe you should go to their church.

Jane:                Christmas Eve is coming up.

Jessica:            I mean, I'm not really encouraging you to do that. And also, anger⁠—see, this is the thing about Mars. Mars is anger and lots of other things, but sometimes it's easier to have a pushing-off point, right?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Just pushing off in anger can be easier than being like, "I have fucking human dignity. And who I love and how I live is worthy of respect and love from my parents." That should be enough for you. It might not be enough for you. Currently, it's not enough for you, right? And that's a reflection on you. And that's your work to do.

Jane:                It is.

Jessica:            And the shit that your parents are willing to believe⁠—that's a reflection on them. And so, as you adapt, as you grow, as you give yourself permission to be who you are, you can practice just accepting yourself and loving yourself in their presence. And if their behavior becomes worse, then you have the information you need, and you spend less time with them.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            But they're not going to change. I mean, you're saying, yes, they've changed a teeny bit. Your dad didn't vote. But I don't think your dad didn't vote because of⁠—

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            ⁠—this specific issue. I think his issue is with Trump.

Jane:                You're right.

Jessica:            Yeah. And his thing is he doesn't like his brashness. Am I seeing that correctly?

Jane:                And also, my dad's a person of color. He's a Latino man. And so I think he⁠—and there's plenty of Latinos who vote for Trump, but⁠—

Jessica:            Absolutely, but that was⁠—

Jane:                ⁠—yeah, I just think he couldn't. Mm-hmm. The racism part.

Jessica:            I respect that. But it's really interesting because when I look at your dad energetically, the only thing I see is his aversion to Trump. And I was seeing it as his abrasiveness, but it's his racism. So he's okay with the homophobia. He's okay with all the other things, but the racism is a problem. Hey, man. Whatevs. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. Again, we're just revealing ourselves⁠—

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—all the time to each other and ourselves, right? And your dad⁠—honestly, all you have to do is put him in uncomfortable positions over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and eventually, he'll just be different.

Jane:                Wow.

Jessica:            He's just really not that hard to navigate. I know that's easy for me to say because I don't have an emotional reaction to him. But if you didn't react in that shutdown way, if you didn't make yourself small because he expects you to⁠—if you'd say to your dad, "Meet me at a Gay bar," he wouldn't do it. If you say to your dad, "Hey, meet me at this café. We're going to have a coffee," and then there happened to be Gay people around, he'd be uncomfortable.

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            He might even say no if you asked him there again. But he wouldn't stop going for coffee with you.

Jane:                Mm-hmm. That's spot on.

Jessica:            So, if you, every single time, were around more Gay people for months and then maybe years, eventually, his attitude about Gay people would change, period, full stop, because your dad is very meat and potatoes for a religious guy. You know?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            He's very meat and potatoes. And so, now, your mom's a different thing altogether.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Your mom's a different thing altogether.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And again, if you stop playing the role that you've played in your family with your dad and you start just being more yourself with him, it won't happen automatically, and it won't happen right away, but it'll happen is what it looks like. You'll eventually have something a lot closer to the relationship you used to have.

Jane:                Which makes complete sense because, you know, while I do think I was living in alignment with their expectations and beliefs, I didn't believe that at the time. I felt affirmed with a lot of that. And hearing you say that is like, okay, yeah. So our relationship was the most strong when I was living my life authentically and not shielding him from who I was.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                And it's just a really beautiful take on it that I just⁠—I don't think I've given it that perspective of me making myself smaller. I think I used to be like, "They make me smaller." It's like, well, no, you're making yourself smaller to make them feel less comfortable [crosstalk]⁠—or uncomfortable.

Jessica:            Right. And this is an age thing. This is an age thing, right? Because you're right now twenty-what? Six?

Jane:                Seven.

Jessica:            Seven. Okay.

Jane:                Seven. Yeah.

Jessica:            27. So you're pre-Saturn Return. And this is why motherfuckers talk about Saturn Return all the time, because you are not going to recognize this part⁠—if you do the work, you're not going to recognize this part of you post-Saturn Return. And your Saturn Return is happening early 2026. So you're in that pre-Saturn Return stage. It's just now beginning where you're questioning everything, and you're in this very fertile space where you are stepping into your Saturn. And where is your Saturn? It's in Aries in the twelfth house. Like everything else in your fucking chart⁠—

Jane:                Like everything else.

Jessica:            ⁠—it's in the twelfth house. Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And so the first thing I always think about Saturn in the twelfth house, regardless of zodiac sign, is that placement means you've come here to learn how to develop backbone. So listen. You've got this Uranus/Jupiter conjunction in your eleventh house in Aquarius. It is dynamic. The Uranus forms a trine to your Mars. You have a wildness and a spontaneity and a passion and an excitability to you that other people may perceive as backbone, boundaries, self-assuredness, all these things. And you do have self-assuredness in a soupy mix of uncertainties.

                        And when you get around your dad or your mom or your parents or your church people from the past, you slip back into wanting to know what the right thing to do is and being willing to do it⁠—"the right thing," quote unquote, right? Not the right thing, but "the right thing," quote unquote. And then you lose access to that excitable, dynamic part of you because you're not in your community. You're not in a freedom space.

                        And so that's where insecurity, uncertainty, demoralization, shrinking⁠—all those things seem like the best move for you. But because of your personality, you don't seem like you're shrinking. People would never say, "Oh, she's a shrinking violet." But when you're being yourself, you're just a little wild. And so, when you're not being yourself, you're perfectly pleasant. It's like you are this amazing helium balloon, and then when you get around your family, you let most of the air out.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And it has an effect on you. It really⁠—it does have an effect on you. So my instinct is to talk about conflict for just a moment with you.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            I'm going to have you say your name and then say your partner's name.

Jane:                So my name is [redacted]. And my girlfriend's name is [redacted].

Jessica:            I love her for you. You guys are great.

Jane:                You do?

Jessica:            Yeah. She's great. She's great for you. She's amazing.

Jane:                I love her.

Jessica:            Yeah. You guys are great. You guys are great. But you do fight. You do fight, and you do have conflict.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And sometimes you do drag your feet, and sometimes she drags her feet with the conflict. You both would rather find another way most of the time. But you do talk about most things in a direct and time-appropriate way. Is that correct?

Jane:                That is correct. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Congratulations.

Jane:                Thank you.

Jessica:            The reason why I wanted to look at your girlfriend is because I wanted to know, why are you able to be direct and confrontational⁠—I mean, I know part of it's because you're fornicating, right? But that's not the only reason why. What is it that allows you to do that with her? And I think a meaningful thing is that you believe she's really honest.

Jane:                Absolutely.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            You don't think that she'll lie to you. So, if you say to her, "Is it okay that I tell you that I'm upset about something?" she'll say no if it's not okay for her in a moment, right?

Jane:                Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            What this suggests to me is that when other people aren't honest with you, you feel like you can't be honest with them. There's this⁠—okay. That's right?

Jane:                I'm nodding my head. Absolutely.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. What I want to encourage you to do with this information is to commit to a practice of honesty. And to do that means practicing awareness and mindfulness about all the ways and all the times that you're not being honest. And in the course of your days, that's going to be⁠—it's a normal amount. In the course of the time with your family, it's a radically high amount.

Jane:                Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so I want to just ground you into that, because if you were to guide yourself around what you think is important and what you need to be safe, then you would be more honest. Now, you can't say to your mother or your father anything and expect them to have an honest reaction. That's not a realistic thing. So what you've done in reaction to that is not be honest with them.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            So the only way that our relationships with our family of origin can ever evolve and change is if we, the different ones, come in and behave differently. And what that requires is your willingness to let the relationship tank because the pattern is the only⁠—and this is not an unusual pattern for a parent and a child. But the pattern is for as long as you're good, I treat you well. And when you're bad, I treat you poorly. Right?

Jane:                Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            But as an adult⁠—a financially and emotionally independent adult⁠—it can actually be more of an adult relationship where there is an element of, "Yeah. Same. Ditto, guys. Yeah." It's not meant to be a punishment. It's meant to be a reinforcement of how you love yourself. And to be able to say to your mom, "You raised me to love myself. You raised me to be treated well. You raised me to expect love. And if you can't offer me the very things you raised me to expect from a husband and a man, if you can't support me in wanting that from my friends and my girlfriend and from my parents, then that's okay; we'll just spend less time together. I love you."

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            You don't have to say, "Fuck you, bitch. I'm not doing this shit with you," even though there's a part of you that very much wants to. You can simply say, "If this doesn't work, then we can just cool it. It doesn't have to be a big deal. But if you don't want to be around who I really am, then maybe we should just not be around each other as much," because I see you're spending a fair amount of time with them, eh?

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Do you see them every Friday night?

Jane:                No, but we see each other often. My family's always having parties. Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. And when you go to these parties, does everyone know you're Gay?

Jane:                Yeah, thankfully.

Jessica:            But they're all ignoring it because you're not bringing your girlfriend?

Jane:                Yeah. So I bring my girlfriend to⁠—it's kind of like what you talked about earlier where part of it's nice because she has a job where she works, usually, on the weekends, and then other times, it's like, "Yeah, I'm going to sit this one out."

Jessica:            Right.

Jane:                And then it's like, if the vibe is there, she's like, "Yeah, I'll come." And so what I love is it's kind of a treat when she comes. But when she's there, she's kind of a little bit of the mini-celeb. People want to talk to her because I have really cool aunts and uncles⁠—

Jessica:            I see.

Jane:                ⁠—and my grandparents are really⁠—yeah. And so it's actually⁠—

Jessica:            Your dad's parents, I'm assuming.

Jane:                My dad's. Thank you.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah. And so my parents really are the only ones that weren't that cool with it.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Have you noticed that when your aunts and uncles are awesome with your girlfriend, that your parents have a kind of weird reaction?

Jane:                My dad⁠—I mean, maybe⁠—I think I'm just more attuned to my dad. So it very well could be my mom, as well, but⁠—

Jessica:            Your mom's harder to read.

Jane:                Very much.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                Much harder to read. But Dad initially took it as betrayal, like a choosing of a side.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah, from his relatives.

Jane:                From his own siblings. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. I think he still has that a little bit.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            But here's the other part, and this is the important part that you haven't clocked fully. They're competitive, and they want everyone to think they're the good guys. And so, when you and your Gay-ass girlfriend show up at the party and everyone's like, "Hey, the Gays are here. Hey, the cool people are here. We love you. Thanks for coming," having a good time, your parents feel like the nerds in school.

Jane:                Yeah, the popularity. Yeah.

Jessica:            They don't feel happy to not belong, to be excluded, because they've excluded themselves from embracing your partner, right? They did that to themselves.

Jane:                That's so them. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. So my advice to you is bring that girl around everything and everyone. Bring her around.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And in fact, I would say, if you have regular dinners with your family or whatever⁠—I keep on saying dinner, so I don't know if that's a thing you do⁠—

Jane:                We do.

Jessica:            ⁠—but to bring her around and to ask her if she'd be down to do a couple of things. One is be a guinea pig that you're bringing into an unsafe environment, to also squeeze your knee or your hand every time you start shrinking or doing something that she just knows is not you. If she did that, you would be defensive at least 50 percent of the time because you are your parents' child.

Jane:                I am.

Jessica:            And this is what happens when you get into that vibe. But if you could practice doing that, it would just become really clear to you how much they are willing or able to adapt and how much you need to spend less time with them. Spending less time with them, I would say, is an affirmation of self-love, and it's also⁠—and I wish I had a different way of framing this, but humans are like dogs, right? Not cats. Dogs. We need to know the boundaries so that we can act within the boundaries. And your parents are very trainable.

Jane:                I love that.

Jessica:            Yeah. You can't change the way they think and feel, but you can change the way they behave because they don't want to be on the outside. They don't want to lose you. They need to know what's acceptable. And so far, you've taught them that almost everything's acceptable.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            There's a couple words they can't use in front of you, but that's it, really. They do whatever the fuck they want with you because you've told them it's okay with your behavior. You might say, "That's not okay," but you persist in not bringing your GF around. You act out like a kid defensively, and you get upset. And so they can just be like, "Oh, she's just a kid."

Jane:                Yep. Yeah. Outbursts.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. You don't own it like, "This is my partner. I am almost 30. This is my girlfriend of two years. And you want to act like this is a childish relationship"⁠—

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—because part of what homophobia is is the infantilization of our relationships and our lifestyle choices, right?

Jane:                Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so they're big on that.

Jane:                They're big on that.

Jessica:            Yeah. They're big on that. But so are you. And on the one hand, it's like⁠—you and me both, right? Yeah, we're living young. We're living young compared to a very conventional, heteronormative dynamic.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's great. But don't confuse young with immature. Don't confuse immature without being worthy of respect. And they confuse those things.

Jane:                Absolutely.

Jessica:            And so do you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be tolerating their bullshit, right? And you can love someone and tell them, "Hey, listen. This is what I'm going to do to take care of myself. I'm really sorry if it hurts your feelings. I'm only doing it because what you do hurts my feelings. This is not a punishment. This is me taking care of me. Please invite us over. Please change my mind. Here's how you can do it."

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            "Invite us over." Yeah.

Jane:                Verbalizing my needs.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And you can verbalize your needs in the form of an invitation or a question instead of a confrontation.

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Doing it in the form of a confrontation is actually not authentic to your style. You probably have heard me say this before, but it's something that is really transforming. I have this tendonitis in my knee, and I used to see this Pilates instructor. And at the end of every session, she would whisper to my other knee, "Teach your friend." And so I'm going to say to you, you know how to tell your girlfriend directly what you need. You don't say, "Hey, lady. This is what I need." No. You gently, in a fond way, share it because you don't feel defensive about your right to share it.

Jane:                So true.

Jessica:            So you can't do that with your parents because you are defensive. And that's okay. That's completely fair. But you can practice. You already have the skill. That's why I'm saying the teach your friend thing is⁠—you have this skill accrued in one relationship in your life, which means there is a part of you that knows how to do this. And part of it is because, with your girlfriend, she's not going to harbor weird feelings. She's just going to say yes or no.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Right? Your parents will, 150 percent, harbor weird feelings and not be honest.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Count on it. Let them be themselves. Allow yourself to see them as simply adults who⁠—eh, not so great at adulting in some ways.

Jane:                No.

Jessica:            Let them just be these people who had kids in their early 20s who make mistakes and are evolving really in a different pace than you, that you love, that you're invested in, but don't deserve to treat you with disrespect in the particular ways they have⁠—nice, Christian disrespect, but disrespect nonetheless.

Jane:                Yeah. But disrespect nonetheless.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jane:                Yep. Thank you.

Jessica:            Yeah. My pleasure. And this is where I want to kind of come back⁠—I know I've said it in a few different ways already, but I want to really firmly state boundaries are not a way to punish people. Boundaries are not a way to push people out or tell them what to do. Boundaries are self-love. They are a practice of self-respect and self-love. And you deserve to have that practice with your parents because you love them so much, and they love you so much.

Jane:                They do. Yeah.

Jessica:            They're just broken adults, just like the rest of us.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And you get to say to your parents, "Keeping my girlfriend away or pretending that I'm okay with the way you treat me and my brother differently, knowing how you would behave if I was with a guy for two years in my late 20s versus how you behave with my girlfriend⁠—it hurts my feelings. And I deserve more and better. And I just want you to know that's how I feel." Don't ask them for anything. Just let them know.

Jane:                Yes. Yep.

Jessica:            That's it. And that's a great way to start because if you said that and then said, "And therefore, I'm going to pull back," it would be defensive.

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            In a long-term relationship, you can slowly unpack your boundaries, right? So you can say that the next time you have a one-on-one with them. Let it sit. And then say, "Hey, you remember what I talked to you about last time?"⁠—you know, a couple weeks later. "I've been thinking about it, and I think I need you to invite my partner of two years around. And if you don't want to do that, I totally get it, guys. I love you. I know you mean me no harm. But if she's not invited, I'm not coming, even if it's Christmas, even if it's church," and to say, "I'm not doing this to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry because I know it probably does, but imagine how I feel." And they won't be able to imagine it because they just won't.

                        And it's not about saying it so that you change them. It's about saying it in a way that they can hear because they'll be defensive, and they'll be predictable in the ways you know how. But they would hear that.

Jane:                I appreciate that so much because I think where I've been stuck is that I felt like I almost had the double standard where I get frustrated thinking that they're waiting for me to change, and then I'm like, "Well, I'm pretty much waiting for them to change, too."

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah.

Jane:                And so maybe it's not waiting for anyone to change; it's what you just shared.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Jane:                So I appreciate that. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's really⁠—I think that, again, part of having a boundary practice in life is being the change you want to see in your life. Be that change. And that doesn't mean this⁠—there's this part of you, that Uranus/Jupiter part of you, that is going to be like, "Okay. Then I have to go to their house and tell them the whole thing and then leave," or something, right? And you can actually do this slow. You can do it slow. You can just share, "Hey, I just want you to know how it affects me. I want you to know that my partner is very understanding, and she's not resentful or angry towards you guys. But it really hurts me. I just need you guys to hear it. That's all. I'm not asking you to change. I'm just telling you how I feel." That'll get them. That'll get them.

Jane:                That'll get them.

Jessica:            It'll get them, and it'll also be easier for you to say because you do want them to hear it.

Jane:                I really do.

Jessica:            Yeah, you do.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            It's not a game, but both sides are playing games because both sides are so triggered.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            There is a world in which, at some point, you could have a conversation with your dad about, "How does it feel to you that Mom voted for Trump and you didn't, or the very reasons? How do you feel about that?" He won't have that conversation with you, to be honest. I mean, we know your dad. He's not really going to have that conversation.

Jane:                Yeah, no.

Jessica:            It's like a 90 percent certainty that he won't. But there is that⁠—if you get him in that weird ten percent moment⁠—you've had real conversations with your dad, right?

Jane:                Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Definitely.

Jessica:            And he's really⁠—when you pull him away from all the things, I wouldn't call him progressive, but he's super normal to a progressive person.

Jane:                Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jane:                Wholeheartedly yes. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so it's just a question of getting him when he's out of his automated cycles, you know?

Jane:                Yeah. The cycles, literally.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I see that with your dad. He's very, very odd. And everything is changing in the world. Everything is going to change, and it's going to impact your parents. It's not just going to impact you and me. It's going to impact them. It's going to impact your dad, which means it'll impact your mom.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And so, while you and I are talking about this and we're focusing on the ways in which it can serve you to have these conversations and serve your partnership to make these changes, it's also for your dad. It's, in a way, also for your mom, but your mom is⁠—I mean, she's too old school for me to call her tradwife, but she's deep tradwife vibes. She drank the Kool-Aid. The Kool-Aid has been digested.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            And the best way to bring her along is to not try to bring her along. Yeah.

Jane:                That's such a bummer. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, listen. Think about it. In all the ways she wants you to be a traditional woman⁠—straight woman⁠—how's that working out for her to instill those in you? Yeah. It's not working. It's not working. And so it's really about⁠—and I know that this is one of the hardest things to do, and it's the thing that I get the most questions about when I talk about it in public. But if you can't accept her, why would you ever expect her to accept you? And the chances that you accept her and then she all of a sudden changes and starts accepting you are very small.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            But when you accept her, your relationship with her will change because your expectations of her and your ability to navigate boundaries with her will change. Sometimes we need the other person to change, and sometimes we need to change. And most of the time, we need a little bit of both.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            I think this is really important for you to be working on, partially because you know it. You know it's time. You are pre-Saturn Return. This is the period where⁠—you know, giddyap and get on it.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            But there's something else, which is your brother could be dating a woman for six months, bring her home, and have her be treated like a part of the family and have a party thrown for her, and that'll break your fucking heart, girl. That'll just break your heart.

Jane:                Girl...

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jane:                Yeah.

Jessica:            Don't wait for that to happen.

Jane:                Okay.

Jessica:            So, again, this is something to really work on with your parents before that happens so that it's not a reaction to your brother and a partner he brings in, so it doesn't in any way implicate your relationship with your brother.

Jane:                Thank you, because that's the last thing I want to happen.

Jessica:            The last. Yes.

Jane:    Yeah. But that's⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. He's your ally.

Jane:    He is.

Jessica:            But this dynamic is⁠—it makes it impossible for the two of you to stay allies in this way if he has a partner and they're amazing with that person. It puts you in an adversarial position with your brother.

Jane:                Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Jessica:            So, again, this is worth dealing with for a million reasons, but those are some biggies.

Jane:                Thank you.

Jessica:            Yes, yes. And so, all of this said, do you have any other questions? Did we kind of address the big elephant in the room or⁠—

Jane:                Oh, we did and then some.

Jessica:            Yay.

Jane:                I am so appreciative. I have so much to reflect and journal through.

Jessica:            Yay.

Jane:                And then I'm sending this to my therapist, of course, so yes.

Jessica:            Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jane:                Of course.

Jessica:            I'm so glad. And whatever parts you or your shrink don't agree with or you have questions about or whatever, my hope is that you pick it apart. Be critical. And I'm going out of my way to invite you to do this because I want everyone to do this with all of my readings, but because you have a devotional way of liking and loving, there's a part of you that might be like, "Oh, I liked this reading," or, "I like Jessica," or, "I like this reading and Jessica, and it felt good, so I don't want to be critical of it."

                        And I want you to know that liking and loving includes criticism. It includes critical thinking and disagreeing with parts and agreeing with other parts. I want to invite that, and I want you to know that that is like "yay" vibes for me.

Jane:                Thank you.

Jessica:            My pleasure. My pleasure.

Jane:                Thank you. Spot-on read for me.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. You're welcome. You're welcome. And it's a great practice, to be like, "Okay. So Jessica said that it's cool to disagree, and I know that I'm having this thought where I'm like, 'Eh, this part feels off,' but I'm not saying it out loud out of this weird devotional feeling." That Pisces stellium, man⁠—twelfth-house stellium, Pisces stellium, it makes you real devotional.

Jane:                But I need to frame it in the honesty piece that I think that you did⁠—

Jessica:            Yes. Yes.

Jane:                ⁠—because even though I'm devotional, if I'm being dishonest, then that's not devotion.

Jessica:            Correct.

Jane:                Yeah. So I'm⁠—

Jessica:            Thank you.

Jane:                Yeah. I'm mulling that one over.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. Okay. Good. My work here is done is what I will say. I'm so glad we did this. Thanks so much for sending this question in.

Jane:                Yes, and thank you for your time and your insight. Just so, so, so appreciate it.

Jessica:            Oh, it is my joy. And I really wish you the best with your family. I know, especially now with the holidays and all the things⁠—I wish you the best with them. And give your GF a big hug for me.

Jane:                Oh, I totally will, Jessica. Thank you.

Jessica:            Oh my God. It's totally my pleasure.