Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica:      Vanessa, welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about today?

Vanessa:          Hi, Jessica. Thank you so much. I'm going to go ahead and read the question that I sent in to you.

Jessica:      Great.

Vanessa:          In true stereotypical Queer fashion, my wife and I got married within two months of dating. I had some pretty intense Neptune/Venus transits happen, but overall, I trusted my mind, heart, and intuition in this decision. I've had a lot of difficulties in the love department and was wondering if there's anything in my birth transit chart that could help me navigate this new beginning. I want to show up how I truly feel⁠—Capricorn Moon⁠—and be present while always seeming to live in the past and hold on to residual pain. Thank you.

Jessica:            Okay. first of all, congratulations on getting married.

Vanessa:          Thank you.

Jessica:            When did you get married?

Vanessa:          January 4th.

Jessica:            This year?

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            Like 15 minutes ago? Okay.

Vanessa:          Right. Right.

Jessica:            Okay. And then how long did you and your wife know each other before you started dating?

Vanessa:          It was like November, so yeah. I mean November of last year, like two months ago.

Jessica:            So it's like you were strangers; you met, you started dating, and then you got married two months later.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Very wild. This, for the uninformed, is called the lesbian U-Haul. I don't know if you identify as a lesbian. It doesn't matter in this context. This is a lesbian U-Haul, and I respect it. It is a time-honored tradition.

Vanessa:          Yes, it is, and yes, I do identify as lesbian. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. I mean, even if you didn't, it's a fucking lesbian U-Haul. I mean⁠—

Vanessa:          For sure.

Jessica:            ⁠—two months. You didn't even do three months. That is a lesbian U-Haul. So I respect that you bought the U-Haul; you didn't rent the U-Haul. You didn't tour the U-Haul. You just bought it.

Vanessa:          Bought it.

Jessica:            Bought it. Okay. So I'm going to share your information because we're looking at your chart. You were born February 20th, 1990, at 12:48 a.m. in Vallejo, California.

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's get into a little bit of the nitty-gritty. What are your real questions? Because I read your question, and I was like, "Okay. We're going to have to dig," because I know you're asking something more specific than your question sounds like you're asking. So I want to have you get a little more specific, but before I let you answer that, I want to say⁠—now, I consider myself to be a very Capricorn Capricorn. Sun/Moon/Rising Capricorn? I'm a very Capricorn Capricorn. But you gave me insecurity about, "Am I Capricorn enough?" because you have so many planets in Capricorn, I can't even believe it: the Moon, Uranus, Neptune, Mars, Saturn, Venus. That is six planets.

Vanessa:          All in the second house.

Jessica:            You are so Capricorn. So I want to say, before I let you answer the question that I've asked, there is no right or wrong way of feeling or being, there's no right or wrong way of living, and that it's really about the process and not being perfectionistic. I just want to give you that, Capricorn to Capricorn, before we go where we're going. So you tell me, what are the real questions you have here about what's happening inside of you and inside of your marriage?

Vanessa:          Thank you for giving me that segue to kind of get into all this. Perfectionism is definitely what I grew up with and is something that kind of still taunts me. I think growing up in the family that I did, the family dynamic, along with some of the things that I've done as far as ballet and working in environments that are like⁠—it has to be perfect. There's no other way of living. It has to be this way, and it has to be perfect. And anything that falls outside of this is just wrong, right?

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          And a long time ago, which⁠—I know I'm young, but it seems like ages ago⁠—I had just been exploring my Queer life since I got last divorced from my ex-husband five years ago. So I was married for seven years and together with him for 12.

Jessica:            Wait a minute. How old are you? Am I doing the math wrong? So you got married when you were a teenager?

Vanessa:          I got married at 21.

Jessica:            But you were with him when you were a teenager leading up to it.

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. You like marriage.

Vanessa:          I do. I actually really enjoy marriage, and I like the stability that it has because I can say that being single and out here in the dating world the past five years and also being Queer⁠—it's a jungle, baby. Oof.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          You know? And sometimes⁠—it's not that I miss the marriage. I sometimes just miss the consistency, the consistency that it brought, the day-to-day understanding what you're doing. You can kind of sit down and project. I think that's essentially what I missed about it. It wasn't the person. Or even just within the hetero space, that never worked for me in any capacity⁠—like, in any capacity. So being in this realm and going into just exploring my queerness and then identifying as a lesbian and just kind of owning that, finally, and allowing myself permission has been extremely challenging. But also, it's so me and in alignment.

Jessica:            Great. I love that. I love that. So let's come back to your real specific questions that I know you have in there.

Vanessa:          Yeah. I'm always second-guessing myself. Sometimes I'm just like, "Am I making the right decision?" I tend to, into Pisces fashion, which⁠—I feel like my Sun⁠—I don't know. I have a lot of other⁠—like you said, I have six planets in Capricorn. As much as I am a Pisces, my delusion only lasts for so long until I'm like, "Girl, get over it." You know what I mean?

Jessica:            Mm-hmm.

Vanessa:          Until the humans start showing up in my⁠—you know, it goes out. So I feel like my Pisces energy is delusional, but then as I start working it and going through life, reality just starts to do what reality does. So I have a lot of, like, "Am I doing the right thing? Is this right? Am I on the right path?" because I made all these mistakes in the past. And it's not that I'm trying to mitigate my mistakes, because that's the only way that you learn, and I make a ton of them. But I don't know. I take my life seriously, maybe too seriously. And I really want to build with somebody who has⁠—obviously, not everyone's going to have everything that you need, but certain qualities and characteristics where it can be a long-term partnership and we can build together.

Jessica:            Okay. So I'm going to interrupt you and then follow up with a question, but first let me share. When we talk about perfectionism, most astrology students will think Virgo⁠—rightly so, because Virgo is all about good, better, best. It's all about discernment. Now, Capricorn is also about perfectionism, but it's that heavy-handed good or bad, right or wrong, punishment or reward.

And so, when we have a strongly placed Saturn as you do or many planets in Capricorn as you do⁠—so you have both⁠—this idea of "There is a right path and a wrong path. There is a right action and a wrong action. And wrong actions, of course, come with consequences, and those are punishments. And right actions, of course, come with consequences, and those are rewards. And sometimes the reward is simply the absence of punishment, and sometimes the reward is an actual reward"⁠—so I want to just name that, because I think that's an important theme for you.

I also want to speak to that Piscean delusion that you referenced. And yes, Pisces can be delusional. And not only are you a Sun in Pisces, but your Sun is conjunct the IC, which is at the lowest point of your chart. So it's a really strong, angular Sun. We also have Neptune conjunct your Mars and your Uranus. And so it's a very strong Neptune, Neptune being the ruling planet of Pisces and a planet associated with delusion.

But they're not only associated with delusion. They're associated with romance, with idealism, with hope and generosity and grace. And I am personally of the mind that having a Capricorn/Pisces, Neptune/Saturn strong balance in the birth chart can be really helpful because it can take that curmudgeony, rule-based Saturn energy and infuse it with some humanity and grace, which⁠—I mean, admit⁠—thank God you have that, right?

Vanessa:    Right. Oh gosh. Yeah, thankfully.

Jessica:            So let me just add one more thing to the mix. Your Capricorn planets are all intercepted in your second house using the Campanus house system, which means I have to ask you, were you raised either with a great deal of religion or by people who were raised with religion, even if you yourself were not?

Vanessa:          Yes. My mother and my father went to private⁠—my mother, private Christian school, very religious family. And then my father went to private Catholic school. So very heavy in religion. Now, them two together, not so much. I feel like my mom always⁠—she'd stray away, and think she'd go back, and then she'd stray away, and then she'd go back. But they never put that on us.

Jessica:            They never put it on you. Yeah.

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            So that's what it looks like. Let me tell you why I asked about this: because this interception of Capricorn in your second house indicates that one or both of your parents or guardians⁠—so it's just your parents. You were raised with them both, eh?

Vanessa:          Just my mother.

Jessica:            Okay. So your dad was not in the picture?

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            Okay. When did that happen?

Vanessa:          My mom left him, like, when I was two. I have two older brothers, and she moved us to a different town.

Jessica:            Okay. So you were little. You were really little⁠.

Vanessa:          Yeah. Very.

Jessica:            ⁠So let me just kind of speak to this because this interception speaks to your mom⁠—we're going to focus on your mom⁠—your mom having to repress her beliefs, or feeling that she needed to. She didn't need to do anything, but she felt that she needed to repress her beliefs on what's right and wrong, and that she had to do this in order to be happy, in order to be a mom, basically, and to be happy as a mom. And the fact that you do have Saturn sitting in between your Mars and your Venus⁠—it does indicate her feeling trapped in the marriage for a long time.

                        And so the fact that you have older siblings makes that make sense for me. Otherwise, I would have assumed you would have been raised with your dad a little longer because of the intensity with which your mom was repressing her needs for feeling loved, feeling lovable, having an ease of intimacy.

Vanessa:          I think my relationship insecurities definitely stem from my mother because I still feel as if she's in that space.

Jessica:            She is. But she is because of the choices she's made, in no small part. Some of that is about the mechanics of having kids and having to work. And she didn't want to expose you to any person. Some of that was about the ways in which she chose to take responsibility for the choices she made. And that's really different than you, right? You don't have kids.

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            Okay. Right. So let's just acknowledge that. The other thing is your mom has great ambiguity about whether or not she wants to be with a man at all. And I don't mean to suggest she's gay, because I don't think she's gay. But I do mean to suggest that she has really deeply ingrained beliefs around what it means to be partnered with a guy, and she doesn't want that for herself. She doesn't want to have to abandon all of these things about herself that she actually really likes.

                        And so what I see in your chart is that⁠—and this may have evolved over time because your birth chart is a snapshot of when you were born. So I'm not sure how your mom has evolved, but based on your birth chart, what it says is that your mom decided to suck it up and make it work. And if there's anything that you need to be concerned about that you are like your mom around, it's your willingness and ability to suck it up and make it work. Does that make sense?

Vanessa:          It does make sense. And my mom⁠—she's had a few different marriages. So she would suck it up⁠—I saw her through one marriage, which lasted ten years. But she only sucked it up for ten years and then left. And then there was another one, and that was a few years. And then she left, and then there was another. So I feel like, in a sense, she does have that autonomy, but for some reason⁠—I don't know what it is⁠—she always goes back to this confined space of marriage. And I feel like she's always like Elizabeth Taylor. I always think⁠—like, just marriage after marriage. I'm like, "Girl, you really don't have to marry every single one of them." You know?

Jessica:            So it's interesting that you say that as somebody who is barely 30 and second married, right?

Vanessa:          True. True. Right. Right.

Jessica:            So let me speak to this really briefly because, again, we're in your birth chart. When I look at your mom's chart, it's her conviction⁠—I mean, basically, I was going to say it in a complicated way, but let me say it in the most simple way possible. You have a stellium in fucking Capricorn. Your mom wants to be normal. She wants to be a normal woman. And what does a normal woman do? She marries the man she's dating after x amount of time.

Vanessa:          True.

Jessica:            That's the most normal thing in the world, right? And when I say normal, I mean heterotypical. But I'm trying to speak as basic as possible because when we're dealing with intercepted energies, it really is like basic survival-mechanismy energies. You had this modeled for you. And so, even as you were describing that part of you that just loves being in a marriage and the consistency and the stability that it offers you, that's the part from your mom, right?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            And it's not that it's not also all yours. It's both. It's, I think, how most people feel, that signing that contract, making that commitment, setting those intentions with a partner create security and stability and consistency in your life.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            And then the reality of it is it doesn't actually do that. It's not really how human relationships work in the modern world because when you know you can leave⁠—

Vanessa:          Right. Right.

Jessica:            ⁠—which⁠—thank God for that. I love divorce. I'm a huge fan, huge fan of divorce. But I will say that the part of you, that intercepted Capricorn stellium part of you, that wants security and stability believes that if you have those things, that your restless, seeking nature that wants everything to be right, like mise en place, like everything in its correct place⁠—that part of you will be calm. The reality is I don't know that that actually works because you're in a relationship, and you're a person and she's a person, and everyone has bad days and everybody's boring and everybody's annoying. And that's just part of life.

                        And the fantasy that I think most of us have about marriage is that, with the right person, those things don't matter. And the reality is, of course, they fucking matter. And also, that doesn't mean that it ends the relationship. It doesn't mean that it ruins your life. But also, you're going to be fucking annoyed with people.

                        So, coming back to your question, are you asking me did you make the right decision to marry this woman?

Vanessa:          I guess I just want some sort of⁠—I guess I mean validation. I guess that is asking if I made the right decision. But I just know that you never know. You just make a decision in the moment. You work it. And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. And you adjust as time goes on. Inherently, I know that. I guess what I'm trying to ask is⁠—I feel very confident in my decision. I feel very in alignment with what it is that I'm doing. I don't know. I use my feelings and my emotions and my intuition to make decisions.

                        When I started coming more into my life and making choices that best served me than other people, I kind of found a frequency, and I tuned in to it. And this is the frequency that I'm making those decisions out of. But I guess what I'm trying to ask you is I still feel all this residual grief from my past, which sometimes makes me confused as to⁠—

Jessica:            What part of your past?

Vanessa:          Like second-guessing my decisions or the mistakes that I've made or sometimes not wanting to see people for who they are rather than just living in this moment of⁠—obviously, we don't know each other. I'm not even⁠—I don't know everything about this woman, and she doesn't know everything about me. I guess it just feels like the past five years, as I've been taking control of my life, getting out of victim mentality, even just moving across the country and just having a lot of character development that I desperately needed⁠—oh goodness. I desperately needed it.

                        I guess what I'm trying to understand is, is this right for me at this moment? Did I make the right decision? Right.

Jessica:            So you are asking that. Okay. So let me tell you, first of all, since the dawn of time⁠, in anyone who has a lot of planets in Capricorn⁠—and I'm not talking about just the millennial generation, who has all the outer planets in Capricorn, which⁠—you are of that generation. But I'm talking about anyone who has personal planets in Capricorn. Always, all of your serious questions come back to, "Did I do the right thing? Was it a mistake?" because fucking Capricorn. Just because fucking Capricorn, right? So I want to just acknowledge that that's real.

                        Listen. You have Jupiter in Cancer, and it sits opposite your Moon and Uranus. And so that you are a bazillion planets in Capricorn and you're like, "I found a frequency, and I know how to trust my gut"⁠—that is⁠—thank you, Jupiter. Thank you, Jupiter, because that's what that Jupiter opposition has given you. It's the ability to be like, zing. "I can find that alignment and that energy."

And what you tend to do, because it's coming from Jupiter and it's involving Uranus and the Moon, is when you find that zing of intuition, you act fast. You act fast because all that Capricorn is like, "But I'm going to triple-guess that. I'm going to break that shit down. I'm going to run it through the ringer." And your Jupiter is like, "I don't want to run anything through anything. I want to trust my divine guidance. Bada-bing, bada-boom; move on."

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            And so the thing that's really hard is that you cannot sustain that. It's not in your nature to sustain just trusting the Universe, because it's not just about the Universe; it's about action and consequence. So they're both true at once. It's not either/or. It's both. It's and/also.

                        I'm going to look at your marriage in a moment because I know that's what you actually want me to do. But I want to just validate that what all the things you're saying about, "I made choices, and I'm willing to follow through on the choices. I know nothing's perfect"⁠—I know you mean all of those things, and I also know that you don't completely mean any of it because Capricorn. Because Capricorn. Because you're like, "Yeah. I know that's the truth. And also, how can I refine that truth? How can I perfect that truth? How can I make that better? How can I work harder? How can I not make a mistake? How can I learn from a mistake?"

                        So there's a lot of circling the drain that can happen for you. And I don't think there's any perfect woman or relationship or job or anything that's ever going to change that, because it's your nature. And within that, what I want to say is keep it constructive. Turn that little phrase, "Keep it constructive," into a mantra. "Keep it constructive," because there are certain things that you can obsess on that are constructive that do help you to figure out the best way of handling things or the smartest way of engaging with things or the best way of making use of your past mistakes⁠— and then there's just fucking obsessing on the past. And then there's just torturing yourself with things that are just completely not consequential. The way you said some stupid thing to some stupid person that's not even in your life 12 years ago is not relevant. But with this amount of Capricorn⁠—

Vanessa:          And I'm thinking about it.

Jessica:            Of course, you are. Of course, you are.

Vanessa:          [crosstalk] It's there, and it's running. The movie's going.

Jessica:            Right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. And that's where, when you catch yourself doing that, I give you this simple phrase: "Keep it constructive." If it's not constructive, it's not serving you. The thing about, again, all this Capricorn energy is it is associated with guilt, but it's equally associated with humility. When you're obsessing on that stupid thing you said to that stupid person in that stupid moment 12 years ago and you think to yourself, "Keep it constructive," the next step can be, "Can I be humble enough to say I am not emotionally able to completely let this go yet, even though I know it's not constructive? Can I be humble enough to say, 'That was an inconsiderate thing I said. I hope I'm not inconsiderate today, and I'm going to try not to be inconsiderate tomorrow'?"

                        Be humble instead of, "Oh my God. I can't believe I did that. I cannot believe I did that." And all this Saturnian Capricorn energy is something that you can cultivate a great deal of harm to yourself with while telling yourself you're being constructive. So it's really important to be able to gauge the difference between humility and guilt, constructiveness and condemnation.

                        So, that said, I'm going to have you say your full name out loud and then your wife's full name out loud, and then we are going to psychic this.

Vanessa:          [redacted] and [redacted].

Jessica:            How old is she?

Vanessa:          42.

Jessica:            Okay. I mean, who could be surprised that at all the Capricorn, you would age up, right?

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How's sex?

Vanessa:          It's great. It's explorative. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So it's good. It's flowing. It's working.

Vanessa:          I would say, in the beginning, it was a little different, a little off for me, maybe. But as we've gotten⁠—I think it was attached to my vulnerability. So, once I became a little bit more vulnerable and open, it started to get better.

Jessica:            Are you comfortable with the consistency of it?

Vanessa:          Yes. Yeah. I am comfortable with the consistency of it.

Jessica:            What's the hesitation?

Vanessa:          I think during the honeymoon phase⁠—and I think lesbian sex in general is, like, four or five business days. So sometimes it's like, "I'm aching now. I'm tired." So it's literally just that. You know?

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          Sometimes I'm like, "Okay. We can take a break."

Jessica:            Yeah. You've got Jupiter in the eighth house, and you like to get in there, get it done, and keep on moving. You're better at sprinting than marathons, right?

Vanessa:          Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You also have Aries on your fifth-house cusp. And so there is nothing wrong with being able to say to your partner, "I would like more frequent and shorter than longer and less frequent"⁠—

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            ⁠—because that's just how your body works. I think you could be more clear with her about that. And maybe it helps that I've just verbalized it in such a simple way. I'm not sure, as I'm looking at your relationship psychically, what your question actually is. Are you asking me if you're happy?

Vanessa:          No, because I'm definitely happy. Sometimes I'm just so attached to my past, and sometimes I just⁠—I don't know.

Jessica:            Wait. Wait. This is the second time you've said that. Do you mean your ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend?

Vanessa:          No. More just my past decisions and choices and how they've panned out for my life because, I mean, I've⁠—

Jessica:            Tell me what that is. Sorry. I'm going to interrupt you because you're doing a very good job of setting the table, but I want to know what you're actually saying. So there's a specific thing that you keep on returning to, which is a choice you made. And you're feeling an attachment to that choice you made because it didn't go the way you thought it would go. Am I understanding that correctly?

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            What is that choice? I know you're thinking of something specific. What is it?

Vanessa:          I guess the choice to get married again.

Jessica:            Okay. I'm psychic, so I'm not going to accept that answer. It's a great answer. It's not the answer that I'm looking for, though. And let me tell you what I'm saying.

Vanessa:          Okay.

Jessica:            In your birth chart, you have a Mercury/Pluto square. And this means a lot of things, but one of the things that it means is you do not like speaking your most vulnerable truth. You just don't. And it doesn't mean you won't get there, but you are very self-protective. So I don't want to trample upon your privacy or your vulnerability. Only tell me what you're comfortable telling me.

Also, I'm seeing that when you reference⁠—because you've said it now twice⁠—choices you've made in the past, attachment to choices you've made in the past, the visual I'm getting psychically is you're looking down a corridor, and there's a shadowed part that I can't see into, and it's in there. So it's further back from you than three months; that's for fucking sure. You're talking about your past. So you know what I'm talking about, right? Okay. You do know what I'm talking about. I see it in your little face. Okay. So you don't have to verbally tell me if you don't want to. Can you stay with that? Because it feels like it's a relationship issue.

Vanessa:          Yeah. It is. I was dating someone before her that⁠—similar to a U-Haul situation, but we had known each other⁠—it wasn't like a two-month thing and then we're moved in. It was more like a year and a half, two years. But I had known her a pretty long time. But I think, after that relationship, there was a lot of lying and manipulation. And I was making a lot of decisions under false information and not all information.

Jessica:            So she was lying. She was lying.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Is she butch?

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vanessa:          Well, she's a stud since she's Black.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for giving me the right word. But I'm just seeing she has very masculine energy.

Vanessa:          Oh my gosh. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. So that's what this is about.

Vanessa:          Yeah, it is.

Jessica:            It is. And you don't talk to her anymore?

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vanessa:          I'm the type of person that likes to make educated and informed decisions, especially when it comes to my life. And I had met this woman when I was going through so many transitions in life, and I was making⁠—

Jessica:            The stud, not your wife. The stud.

Vanessa:          Yeah, the stud.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vanessa:          And I was making really, really important decisions, and she came into my life at the peak of those moments. And we had had this connection, and we had started this relationship/situationship thing. And there were a lot of great things that came from it objectively, but I was making very important decisions on my life that were not informed, were not educated, were based on lies and manipulation. And every few months, new information would come out where I was like, "You know what? Had I known this information four months ago, I don't think I would have made this decision."

                        But I kept going because I wanted the ROI out of my investment. She had already gotten me to this point of being emotionally attached. And it was like clockwork. Every three or four months, something new would come out. And it's like, "Oh my gosh. I'm already so deep in." I think it was the first emotional relationship I have ever had because with men⁠—I mean, it just wasn't happening. You know?

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Vanessa:          If I can tell you this story⁠, me and my ex-husband were⁠—that was a survival⁠—because I was young, and I moved out at a young age. And I had to come to terms with that when I left him. I mean, there was love there, but I really needed a home, just to be honest. And I had to come to terms with that and tell him that and just speak my truth because from 16 to 28, I was a completely different⁠—I'm a completely different woman now, and I wouldn't choose this for myself.

                        So, as I'm starting to get into the Queer/lesbian world and having my first lesbian relationships and the emotions that come with it, things that I've been really wanting and desiring that I could only get from women that men just cannot⁠—they're just not capable, you know?

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          And it clicked. When I was with my first girlfriend, I was like, "Oh my gosh. Men⁠—I've just been working them because they can never give me⁠—because this is it." You know?

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          So, when I got with her, it just⁠—like every three months⁠—

Jessica:            The stud was not your first girlfriend?

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            Was she your first love with a woman?

Vanessa:          Yeah. Yeah, I would say that. Looking back, I wouldn't⁠—how do you call something love when it wasn't⁠—when there were so many⁠—you know what I mean?

Jessica:            I do. I do. Yeah.

Vanessa:          It's like, yeah, in the moment, I thought I was in love. But then, when you look back, it's like when I think things are based off of a lie, it's like, how could that be love?

Jessica:            I see. Let me ask another kind of question. Did this happen during your Saturn Return? Was this around 2020 with her?

Vanessa:          2021.

Jessica:            Okay. So it did not start in 2020.

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            Okay. And do you know when it started in 2021?

Vanessa:          I think it was September, October⁠—yeah, September/October.

Jessica:            Okay. All right.

Vanessa:          So yeah. And one of the things that just takes me from zero to red is just, in my opinion, I'm a pretty open person. If you're honest with me and you tell me what it is or what it isn't⁠—give me the option to make the good decisions for me and my life because you never know. I may sign up for some bullshit. You know what I mean?

Jessica:            Right. Right. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          Right. Just give me the full picture, and let me know if I want to join the circus or not because your girl might be bored enough that I might want to join, but at least I know what I'm getting myself into.

Jessica:            Totally.

Vanessa:          Yeah. I can work with that, but I can't work with being like, "You just"⁠—

Jessica:            Being lied to.

Vanessa:          Right. I just can't work with it.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vanessa:          I can't do anything with it.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. So let me jump in and let you know a couple things. The first is I agree: lying is the worst thing in the world for you. It just really is the worst. And at the time, you were going through a once-in-a-lifetime transit. It'll never happen again. It's never happened before. It's called Pluto conjunction to Venus. In that transit, a very common experience that occurs is that it feels like there's this magical thread connecting you with the other person, and there's this feeling of being fated to them. And it's a compulsive, passionate, usually super hot⁠—

Vanessa:          Super hot.

Jessica:            Super hot. Super annoying that it's super hot. So sorry.

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            But super hot dynamic that is Plutonian. It fucks up your life. It feels like it's destroying you, but it also feels like losing her will destroy you.

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            So, even though you got evidence, evidence, evidence that it wasn't a safe place for you, you were like, "Yeah, but I feel so connected to her. There's something here. Why⁠—I can't leave." So you say ROI, which is the most Capricorn thing a person's ever said about relationships, just FYI. Again, you're out-Capricorning me, which is stunning.

                        When it comes to a Pluto conjunction to Venus, the ROI is when you let go of what doesn't serve you. And that's what you did eventually. But here's the thing. When you talk about how you're still attached to that, it's a lot of things. One of the things is who you were with your ex, with the stud⁠—you're still the same person. And so you're not bananas to be concerned that you gave away your power and you gave away your common sense to your romantic and sexual feelings for someone.

                        And I think a lot of Queers⁠—we do this: when you come out a little bit later in life, you do teenage things when you're not a teenager because you didn't have the experience, right?

Vanessa:          And that's so annoying.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes.

Vanessa:          And I know that in theory, and I'm like, "This is so annoying. I'm so annoyed with myself right now." And I hate the learning curve because I want to be Yoda. When I get into a new scene, I'm like, "I want to be master level." I do not want to be an apprentice in any capacity.

Jessica:            Right. Okay. So this is where we come back to⁠—and again, please know, as a Capricorn, I get it. But this is where we come back to humility because the only way that a master is a true master is if we have experienced apprenticeship because you cannot know a thing through and through without knowing its base and foundation. I know it's fucking torture. I apologize on behalf of the Universe.

                        However, being in uncertainty is an important part of being in alignment because if you are in alignment but you've never experienced uncertainty, you're probably not really in alignment.

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            I mean, you know this theoretically, right?

Vanessa:          Theoretically, yes.

Jessica:            So, again, let me say Gay, straight, whatever the fuck⁠—Pluto conjoins Venus once in a lifetime, if it ever happens. And when it happens, it's a little disastrous. Bada-bing, bada-boom. That's just how that goes. And it doesn't have to be a little disastrous. I'm guessing that other things happened in your life in that period that helped you to come into greater alignment with yourself around self-worth and all of this. But Pluto conjunction to Venus is messy.

                        And so, when you went through this transit, you were in this messy relationship. And that is not going to repeat. But let's be realistic, okay? Whether or not it was the right choice, you got married after two months, which is in the same realm of bananas as staying with somebody who you knew you shouldn't stay with, right?

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            And that's what's got you fucked up is that, right now, you're like, "I'm the same person, obviously, because I'm making the same choices that are, on paper, just bananas."

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            And you love things on paper. You want ROI on a relationship, you banana. So you see what I'm saying, right?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            So I want to just acknowledge that, that even as I say that, I can feel your guts getting sick and not okay, like this is hard to acknowledge. And yet⁠—safe Capricorn-on-Capricorn space⁠—okay, it was bananas. You bought the U-Haul.

Vanessa:          I did. I did.

Jessica:            You bought the U-Haul.

Vanessa:          It's done.

Jessica:            You painted it. You put in permanent wallpaper. You bought the U-Haul. So that is as bananas as what you did with the stud. And that doesn't mean it's the same context, and it doesn't mean it'll have the same outcome. But it does mean that there is a part of you that is romantic, a little bananas, very impractical, and maybe even makes mistakes. And that's what's got you fucked up⁠—not that there's any evidence that this is a mistake. It's not about her, and it's not about your marriage. It's about you.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

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In honor of Valentine's Day and Black History Month, February is Black Love Month on Ghost of a Podcast. If you're Black and you've got questions about love of any kind⁠—I'm talking self-love, romantic, love for your job, family, the place you live, whatever it may be⁠—then send me your question through the contact form over at Ghost of a Podcast today. The midweek episodes all month long will feature selected Black love questions. Just make sure to use the hashtag #BlackLove in your question.

16-year⁠-old activist Mari Copeny, who you may know as Little Miss Flint, has been on the front lines to ensure her community has access to clean, safe water since she was only eight years old. When the Flint water crisis began, Mari decided to use her voice to help her community and to fight for the kids in Flint. Her work to ensure clean water for kids has extended beyond Flint to other communities impacted by water crises like Newark, Pittsburgh, and New York City. Mari is partnering with a socially responsible water filtration company to bring state-of-the-art water filters to the communities that are impacted by poor water quality here in the United States, while also to keep single-use plastic bottles out of landfills. To support her new project to bring filtered water into the homes that need it most, good to gofundme.com/littlemissflintcleanwaterfund, and make your donation today. Find the link in the description of this episode.

School boards and lawmakers around the country are banning and challenging books at a pace not seen since the 1980s. The American Library Association tracked 729 challenges to library, school, and university materials and services in 2021. And librarians have even been threatened with criminal charges and jail time in some places in this country for lending out challenged books. You can contact your representatives about this issue by emailing, calling, or tweeting at them. And above all else, buy banned and challenged books. Support the important work of authors who are being banned or challenged, and in the process, support independent bookstores. My favorite bookstore, Marcus Books, is the oldest independent Black-owned bookstore in the country and has a banned and challenged book list on their website. You can go to marcusbooks.com to see this list and to shop, or visit whatever independent bookstore that you love. Support banned and challenged books and authors today.

Vanessa:          For a very long time, I was living a very⁠—up until the time I was 28, I was living a very conventional life that, on paper, looked great. It was acceptable by all⁠—you know, by societal norms. And I went from conventional to who I really am, unconventional, and everything that came along with it. So it's like I think, at least, it takes a minimum⁠—transitions take at least a minimum of three to seven years, depending on what the transition is. So I'm still well within that time span, but it is harder because I'm unlearning. I'm relearning. It's just this de-shedding process and having to be—not hyperaware, but aware enough. And all the people that came from the past 28 years of my life are⁠—some of them has stood by me. A lot of them haven't.

Jessica:            Because you're Queer? Because you came out as Gay?

Vanessa:          Because I'm a tarot reader. Because I'm woo-woo⁠—

Jessica:            Ah, because you went full weird.

Vanessa:          Girl, right. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. Okay. I see what you're saying. All the woo, all the weird, not just Queer, not just tarot. It's all of it.

Vanessa:          It's all of it, and I⁠—because I just feel like it was like I had just been suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, suppressing. And then, one day, I was like, "You know what? Let my freak flag fly. It's always been here.

Jessica:            Good. Yeah.

Vanessa:          But now it's here, and I can't⁠—it's not even allowing me to suppress it anymore. She's out. It's done. Convention is not it.

Jessica:            So let me say a couple things. You have so much Capricorn in you. There is a part of you that is conventional. I mean, you got married.

Vanessa:          Right. [crosstalk]

Jessica:            You didn't sell everything to go to the circus. You got married, right?

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            But then the other thing⁠—we want to remember that Capricorn has a fucking fishtail like a weird goat/mermaid. It's not a goat. It's a goat with a fishtail. It is a magical zodiac sign. So, when we are living in alignment with Capricorn energies, what we're often doing is aligning with the mythical and the spiritual, which is essentially the emotional. It is woo. And so, yes, it is the zodiac sign associated with ROI in relationships. But then, also, it is about following the flow of energy.

                        You also have your North Node conjunct Mercury in Aquarius. So finding a path that is uniquely yours and allowing yourself to explore what is authentic and aligned in whatever fucking weird way you do, whatever eccentric way you do⁠—that's a green light.

                        All of this said, let me pull back and say you still have feelings for them, okay? I'm going to be really direct. And that doesn't mean you want to be with them. It doesn't mean that you should be with them. It doesn't mean anything other than it was potential, and it didn't have the full played-out conclusion that you prefer. It was just messy and loud the whole way through, and then it ended in what looks like, energetically, a messy and loud way.

You prefer what you did with your ex-husband, where it's completely protracted and drawn out, and you have enough time to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's a pass.

Vanessa:    Oh yeah.

Jessica:            But you didn't get that with this person, and you'll never get that with this person. So there's a part of you that is simply like, "This is what I do. This is how I end things, and I didn't get to do it, and I didn't get to end them. And so it feels like I'm finished," which really just fucking drives you to distraction. So there is a little bit of that, which is not personal to her or your relationship. It's really about the part of you that gets really attached to the way things, quote unquote, "should" be, right?

Vanessa:          Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So I want to acknowledge that there's that. The other part is there's feelings, period. You just have feelings for this person. Against all common sense, against your better judgment, against your own welfare, you do have feelings for her.

Vanessa:          And I think my feelings definitely⁠—I can definitely acknowledge that. And I'm proud of myself to the sense of⁠—my feelings and my emotions pretty much direct my life. I mean, as I've gotten older, I've learned how to manage it a lot better because I have literally no fire in my chart. I'm all just earth. The glass is half empty⁠—and water. So I'm pretty much led by that.

                        But my feelings, thankfully, haven't⁠—as much as I do still have feelings for this person, it's not where I want to be in a relationship with them. It's just like we had a moment.

Jessica:            Yeah. You had more than a moment. Yeah.

Vanessa:          Right. Right. Right.

Jessica:            She really got under your skin. There was something in that relationship that happened that allowed you to experience parts of yourself that you've experienced never before and not since. And I want to acknowledge that that⁠—that's the piece that you're returning to more than anything. That's the piece that you're returning to that is, I think, ultimately what motivated you to write me. And it's not about her or the relationship. It's who you were in that dynamic. And there are little moments of that with your wife, but it's not about that right now.

                        And more than anything, what I'm seeing is that if you allow yourself to experiment with how you hold your emotions, how you engage with life in general⁠—I mean, literally, it could be around hobbies that you pursue. It could be around literally things that are completely not related to love and dating. But if you allow yourself to experiment a little bit with letting go of control a little bit more, then you won't be as attached to that experience because even though it was self-destructive in many ways, and even though it really didn't work out, you really let go of control because Pluto was sitting on top of your fucking Venus. Of course, you did. And in many ways, it was really not to your best interest, but in many ways, it was. You got to experience parts of yourself that had been under a Saturnian wall before.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            And so I want to say those parts of you do not belong to the stud. They do not belong to that time. They belong to you. And with time, you can figure out how to kind of activate them in yourself. But this isn't exactly that moment is what I'm seeing. I feel like it could be in the bedroom with your wife a little bit more. I think you could bring more of that. This is why sex came up for me first. I think you could bring more of that.

                        But it's okay that you're like, "Well, we moved so fast, and I've given her literally everything." It's okay that you're feeling a little more cautious and that you'll build that a little more slowly. That's fine. But when I look at your marriage, at this moment, what it looks like is you want the same things from life. And you live together really well so far, eh?

Vanessa:          Yes. We do.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. You want the same things. You live together well. There is love here. There is romance here. There is compatibility here. It is very stable and consistent. It's the things you said you wanted. It is lacking some of that explosiveness that you had with the stud that is actually good for you, that you actually enjoy. It's like there's not a wildness that I'm seeing. And it turns out that you got fucking Jupiter opposite Uranus and the Moon. Yeah, you like a little fucking wildness.

                        You've got Pluto not far. It's not conjunct your Ascendant, but it's not far from your Ascendant in Scorpio. I mean, yeah, you like to get a little intense sometimes. I don't know that you have that with this woman at this time, and it doesn't mean it can't be cultivated. And if it's going to be cultivated, it'll be because you show up showing those parts.

                        So, because you fuck with tarot, I'm going to share with you what I've just pulled about your marriage. I've got the queen of swords, and then the fool, and then the eight of wands. What the cards are saying is being clear about your boundaries with yourself, for yourself, is what allows you to be a little fucking wild, to take some risks, to loosen the controlling strings that you have on yourself. And what you have been doing is not exactly boundaries. It's more containment structures.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            And this is in part an old habit for you, and it's in part a response to the trauma of the stud. You can be honest with your wife. From what I'm seeing, you can be honest with your wife. She is interested in your wild parts. She's seen the wild parts. She gets the wild parts. She's into it. And she is a safe person to be that way with. From what I'm seeing, it looks like she is a really honest person. Is that correct, as far as you understand?

Vanessa:          Yes, a very honest person.

Jessica:            Yeah. And you've met her friends and family?

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            And they all seem to me like people who would only be friends with a really honest person.

Vanessa:          Yes. Definitely.

Jessica:            They all seem like integrity people.

Vanessa:          There's a lot of integrity there. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Is she kind of religious?

Vanessa:          She isn't. She's spiritual. But she kind of had her spiritual awakening later, like a few years ago.

Jessica:            I see.

Vanessa:          So she's still in that beginning⁠—I wouldn't say beginning stages, but she's in that realm of, like, "I don't watch TV. I don't brush with fluoride toothpaste."

Jessica:            Okay. I see what you're saying.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. She's new woo. New woo.

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            You wrote asking about your marriage. I really don't think this is primarily about your marriage, which is surprising because of how fucking bananas it was that you did this thing. But it actually looks really quite stable, and I'm hesitant to pick at it much. I'm hesitant to⁠—love is a little bit like blown glass, and you don't want to be fucking futzing with it all the time because it's easy to break. And there's not a problem that I'm seeing with the two of you. Am I missing it? Is there a problem?

Vanessa:          No. There's really not a problem.

Jessica:            There's not a problem.

Vanessa:          There really isn't. No.

Jessica:            No.

Vanessa:          The communication is good. Our values are the same. Everything is going well.

Jessica:            So the real relationship problem you have is the relationship you have with yourself because you don't really trust yourself because of things you've done in the past that were a betrayal of trust to yourself.

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            So your ex⁠—she lied to you, but you lied to you because you decided to believe her lies even though you knew she was fucking lying, right?

Vanessa:          And there was just the mindfuck, you know?

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa:          The distortion of reality, not only on her part, but then taking accountability for my part, too.

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah. You knew what you were doing, but here's the thing. Two things. Thing 1: Pluto conjunct Venus doesn't happen more than once in a lifetime, and it only happens once in a lifetime, and it doesn't happen to everyone in their lifetime. It makes us really different. You were under the influence of Pluto conjunct Venus, which doesn't absolve you of responsibility, but it contextualizes the feelings you were having were once-in-a-lifetime kind of vibe. Right?

Vanessa:          Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And I want to just really affirm that for you. It was a Tower card on the Lover's card, or a Tower card on the Empress time of your life. Okay?

Vanessa:          Oh yeah.

Jessica:            To speak in tarot. That said, when we go through challenging transits from Neptune, Uranus, or Pluto⁠—any of these outer planets to our Venus or our Moon⁠—we do things that we wouldn't otherwise do. We experience things that we wouldn't otherwise experience. That doesn't mean they're not still us. We still have to make peace with who we are when the vibe changes.

                        And so what I want to encourage you to do is to acknowledge⁠—don't worry so much about what she did or didn't do, who she was or wasn't. We'll blame that on Pluto. But what we can do is recognize there is a part of you that really loved being consumed by love. You loved being consumed. And you were not as pragmatic when you were consumed. It turns out that you were all fishtail, no goat, when you were being consumed by love.

                        Okay. That's interesting because there's a part of that that is still calling you. And is there a way that you can channel that into your spiritual work? Not around getting lied to, not around making choices that are self-sacrificing or self-harming, but is there a way that you can start to explore the more passionate and intense spiritual gifts that you have and experience parts of yourself in a different way that is healthy, that is sustainable? Is there a way that you can channel this in the bedroom? Because some things we don't want to do on the streets but are super fucking fun in the sheets.

                        And so maybe you can find a way to explore that, explore some maybe wilder and maybe less safe dynamics⁠—of course, consensual safe, but not technically safe, in a way. You know what I'm talking about?

Vanessa:          That is so funny that you're mentioning that, because we are already doing that.

Jessica:            That's the move. Good. I'm so glad. That's the move. And I think that, for you, you are not somebody who lets go of the past easily. Okay. Fine. You don't let go of the past easily. Don't let that undo your present. So, again, this is where I come back to "Keep it constructive." When you're obsessing on her, always stop. None of it's your business. She's her own fucking problem. She is her own problem. She is luckily not your problem anymore.

                        What's your problem is that you feel if you understand her better, if you can make it make sense, then something will feel safer in you. And that's just not how life works. The only way to feel safer in yourself is to be a more reliable friend to yourself, to be a more reliable person to yourself. So you abandoned common sense. You abandoned good common sense. You abandoned good judgment, and you got into a bad relationship situation. You stayed because it was on fire and delicious.

                        Okay. Chances are very low that you'll do this again. But there's a lot to learn from that about yourself, and I don't think it has to compromise your trust in yourself. I think it just needs to contextualize that there are parts of yourself that you just don't completely know yet.

Vanessa:          Yeah. And I'm glad that you framed it like that because the light bulb went off when you said that. I'm like, "Oh. You're right." Yeah. There were parts that I just hadn't known that I didn't even know existed, not even that they were dormant. It was just like, "Oh shit. I didn't even realize that this was here."

Jessica:            Yeah. Again, when we go through Pluto transits, it dredges things up from the depth. And you have a Saturn/Venus conjunction in your birth chart. Saturn tamps down on Venus. We can come back to your mom and how she keeps on choosing this very conventional path of getting married and doing these things with partners that are kind of suffocating her. But she keeps on choosing love. She keeps on trying to choose love. And you are not that different, right?

Vanessa:          No. The apple does not fall far from the tree on that one.

Jessica:            Exactly. You keep on trying to choose love. What Pluto did was it pulled from the depths. It pushed off Saturn, and it pulled from your depths that part of you that's choosing love. And some of it's just fucking wild and passionate and all the things that Venus in Capricorn can be. For a Venus in Capricorn person, finding a lover who can help you to throw away your willingness to be in control and you can give over control⁠—I mean, that's the hottest thing in the world for a Venus in Capricorn.

Vanessa:          Definitely.

Jessica:            Like, in the world. And so you found that with someone who wasn't safe. All right. Everybody does that in their life sooner or later, to one extent or another. Give yourself permission to stop punishing yourself so that you can start excavating the value from it, excavating the self-knowledge from it. That can only happen when we get out of a state of condemnation or punishment, right?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. That's what I was supposed to tell you. Okay. Good. So I think we've pretty much done what we've come here to do, but I want to just pause and see, do you have any other questions or things that you wanted me to speak to on this topic?

Vanessa:          On this topic, I'm content. Thank you.

Jessica:            My pleasure.

Vanessa:          I do have one question that's off topic.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's see how off topic it is. Hit me.

Vanessa:          My cat, Baby⁠—she's kind of having some difficulties with the transition of me and my decisions, I think. I adopted her 2019, and she's definitely a familiar. There's definitely a whole woman inside this cat, like whole woman. And I was wondering if you could maybe check in with her and see if she⁠—I know she has something to tell me.

Jessica:            Are you concerned about⁠—she's living with you and your wife. Is there another animal in the house?

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            So is it that you've lived with all of these people? Have you been living with lots of different lovers?

Vanessa:          No, no. I haven't been living with lots of different lovers. But she's very attached to me.

Jessica:            I see. Okay. I see.

Vanessa:          So, when someone comes in, it's very territorial.

Jessica:            I see. And what's her name again?

Vanessa:          Baby.

Jessica:            Is she a dark cat?

Vanessa:          She's a black cat.

Jessica:            She is a black cat. Okay. Great. Okay. Good. Then I see her. Okay. Well, she's a lot like you. And she's just like, "I don't know you. I don't know if I want to talk to you." I'll just tell you straight out the gate that I've never met a cat so mistrusting of me. You've kind of validated and encouraged that part of her that's like, "It's us against the fucking world."

Vanessa:          Oh, for sure.

Jessica:            You really have. And so I know people say that dogs are loyal and all that. I feel that cats are way more loyal than dogs. But this cat is a validation of my theory because she's just like, "It's us. I don't fucking know you." She's not saying "fuck." She's not mad or aggressive, but she's just like, "I don't know you, so I don't need to talk to you." And I'm trying to show her that you're asking me to connect.

She would really just prefer the two of you have your own room separate from anyone else, which doesn't mean you need to give her that. But do you work from home? Do you give tarot readings from home?

Vanessa:          I do give tarot readings from home. And with me moving, I'm still trying to find a job here.

Jessica:      So is there a room in this house that is just a room for giving readings?

Vanessa:    No.

Jessica:      Okay. And is there space for that?

Vanessa:          I can find space for it, but no. At my house, the house that I own, I do have an office dedicated for that.

 Jessica:     And she would hang out with you in that office?

Vanessa:    Oh, she's hanging out with me everywhere, the office, the⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            Everywhere⁠—because she's showing me the office. She's like, "We need that space back." Basically, that's what she's showing me because she's showing me the office, and I'm like, "I don't know why you don't have it in your house," because you do have it in your house, just not the house you're living in with your wife.

Vanessa:          Right. Right. And it's funny because she always used to sleep on my office chair. That's where I would just find her.

Jessica:            It's because you were working together. Like you said, she's your familiar. She's working with you.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            She's a magic cat who wants to do work.

Vanessa:          She does.

Jessica:            And so you kind of left that, and you haven't replaced it. And she's not happy with that.

Vanessa:          Okay.

Jessica:            She wants the two of you to have a room. And I'm assuming you moved because your wife has a job or something that you have to be with her near her job, right?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Does she own the house that you're living in?

Vanessa:          No. She's just renting an apartment right now.

Jessica:            Okay. I think the two of you need to be considering moving to a place that accommodates your needs a little bit better.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Your  cat does not believe you're going to do that. She does not believe you're going to insist on it. She feels that you're passive with this woman. So I don't know if that's true, but that's what she's showing me. She's not fuck around. Baby⁠—you named her baby, but I guess no one puts Baby in a corner. Okay. That works. That works. She just didn't want to leave that house. She didn't want to leave that house that you left. Do you still own that house?

Vanessa:          Oh yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Does anyone else live there?

Vanessa:          So it's a duplex, and the bottom unit is an Airbnb. So people kind of come and go⁠.

Jessica:            I see.

Vanessa:          ⁠And the unit that I was living in is⁠— no one's in there now, but yeah.

Jessica:            But the two of you loved that house.

Vanessa:          Oh yeah. I mean, and it's mine. I'm keeping it forever. You know?

Jessica:            She loves that house. She is not excited about where you're living. You're not excited about where you're living.

Vanessa:          No, definitely not. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so listen. I'm going to tell you this. She is a cat, right? She's your cat. You cannot necessarily make decisions based on what Baby says. That is reality. But she doesn't think the two of you should have moved. She thinks that your wife should have moved in with you, and your wife should be making more compromises, and that the two of you were really happy in this house⁠—you were really happy in this house⁠—and that neither of you are really happy in your current house. And so she feels that you can keep the woman but go back to the house. Now, obviously, this is not good marriage advice. But it is what your cat is saying.

Vanessa:          She's definitely the uncompromising version of myself.

Jessica:            Yes.

Vanessa:          Like, "This is how it should be. I don't know why we're doing this. Like, what?"

Jessica:            And there is a part of you that agrees with her because⁠—

Vanessa:          Oh, for sure.

Jessica:            ⁠—she's not wrong. When I⁠—

Vanessa:          She's not.

Jessica:            ⁠—[crosstalk] she's not wrong. I mean, your house is just perfect for you, and it was perfect for the two of you. So there's that. But also, your wife could compromise more on this issue. Does she go to work, like she works in a place?

Vanessa:          Yeah. She started on a career path that's really important to her. I'm not saying that what I was doing wasn't important to me, but I think owning my own business has really given me the flexibility to choose what I like to do and what I don't like to do.

Jessica:            Absolutely. But your wife⁠—does she not work remotely sometimes?

Vanessa:          She works at an institution, so she has to⁠—

Jessica:            Oh. So she goes to the institution.

Vanessa:          Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            I see. I see, because this is, again, all coming from your cat, but your cat feels that you could at least live in between your two houses. The two of you could choose to find a place that's a little closer to where you were living before and a little further from her work, and it would be fine.

Vanessa:          Yeah, definitely.

Jessica:            This is according to your cat, but this is what she's saying. And so this is where I'm going to chime in and say I'm actually going to side with your cat because the part of you that's scared of the part of you that gave up way too much with the stud⁠—okay. I'm seeing a little evidence here. A little. Not a lot, but enough. You gave up a home you absolutely love in a place that was so good for you, and you didn't do it for a bad reason. But this is not a sustainable choice. There's got to be a middle ground, right?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            And a middle ground would be both of you compromising instead of just you compromising. It doesn't matter if she makes more money⁠—

Vanessa:          Okay.

Jessica:            ⁠—because you could make more money.

Vanessa:          Definitely.

Jessica:            You know what I mean?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            So you would make more money if you were closer to where you were before.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            So, that said, you need a backyard. Okay. Now I'm hearing your cat. You need a backyard. You need a nice window so she can look out at a backyard or she could look out at trees or something like that. She likes a view. She says that you need a room with a lot of sunlight in which to do your work that the two of you do together.

Vanessa:          Yes.

Jessica:            So, for her, that's the non-negotiables.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            So me and your cat are ganging up on you a little bit. But you asked for it, so that's what you get.

Vanessa:          No. Exactly. And she is right. She's definitely right. Yeah. No, for sure. Yeah.

Jessica:            And I think that your wife is not as compromising as we would prefer that she was, and that's something for you to get to know right away.

Vanessa:          Yeah. She's definitely stubborn, and you're right. She's definitely⁠—I'm much more compromising.

Jessica:            Yeah. Also, you're in your early 30s. She's in her early 40s. It makes sense. People say age is nothing but a number, and that's ridiculous. Age is so much more than a number.

Vanessa:          Definitely.

Jessica:            As an astrologer, we have to understand, of course, in your 40s, you're going to be a little bit more like, "This is what I already know works, so I'm sticking with this." But asking her to meet you in the middle⁠—because this apartment clearly isn't it. Asking her to meet you in the middle is perfectly reasonable. And if she is unreasonable in response to that request, great. Now your marriage has a little hurdle for the two of you to work through together.

                        I don't think she cares about housing in the way that you do. I don't think that she cares about making it cute. I don't think she cares about making it warm. I don't think she cares about anything other than the convenience part.

Vanessa:          Yeah. She's definitely geared towards convenience. And I'm like a Taurus in my home. I need⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. You've got a stellium of planets in the house of Taurus, right? You need that kind of space. Because you have a Moon/Jupiter opposition, you need a view. So you need at least one window where you look out and it's expansive, or it's beautiful to you in some way. Now, your cat needs a view for a slightly different reason, but not that different, to be honest.

Vanessa:          No.

Jessica:            So I think being really emphatic with your wife about, like, "I can make a compromise for you because I love you and because I respect all of the mechanics, but this is not a sustainable sacrifice. So this is what I'm going to recommend that you do, okay?" Say to her, "I'm going to start looking for housing in a town that is between where we are now and where I was. And let's decide on budget. Let's decide on some mechanics." Maybe it needs to be by a freeway exit or whatever. You know what I mean?

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            Come up with some mechanics, and then say, "I'm going to do the legwork. I'm going to find a bunch of places. I'll arrange for us to go visit them, and then we will go together," because it is more important to you, so it's okay that you do more of the labor. Plus, who are we kidding? You're controlling, so it won't be bad that you do all the picking.

Vanessa:          Yeah. No, that's definitely on brand for sure.

Jessica:            It's on brand. It's on brand.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            So that's my advice, is to do that. And if she pushes back in a way where it's kind of obvious that she's not really trying, okay, now you know early in the marriage. And you cannot let that stand.

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            She needs to meet you in the middle. And maybe the two of you decide that you driving an hour and her driving a half hour to work is a reasonable compromise. Maybe you make that decision. Only make that decision, obviously, if it feels safe to be in a relationship in the town, if you think that the housing is beautiful enough for you⁠⁠—you know what I mean?

Vanessa:          Right.

Jessica:            All things have to come together to substantiate the kind of compromise you're making. And right now, that's not what it is. At first, when you asked me about Baby, I was like, "Oh, this is a whole other topic. I'm not sure if we should do this." But Baby has really told on you in a way that I think has been very helpful for this reading.

Vanessa:          Oh, good. I knew she was going to. I was like [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            You're like, "I need to move something."

Vanessa:          Yeah. I was like, "I know she's going to tap into this psychic cat because she'll"⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vanessa:          Yeah. She's special.

Jessica:            Yeah. And she doesn't want to talk about your relationship with her. It's not my business is how she feels. The two of you have your own relationship. But this apartment is not it. It's just not it. It's not it.

Vanessa:          No. No. And we talked about it a lot already. She got this apartment not with me in mind.

Jessica:            Of course. Of course. Yeah.

Vanessa:          You know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vanessa:          So it's just not for our needs. So we've already been talking about it, but it definitely⁠—I need to make sure that it happens, essentially.

Jessica:            You need to make it happen. Yeah.

Vanessa:          And make it happen. Yeah.

Jessica:            You have to be the person to make it happen. She is not going to be the person to make it happen. And it's the wintertime, so it's⁠—generally, you can find better deals in the winter than in the spring. So I would start tout suite.

Vanessa:          Yeah.

Jessica:            I think that's the move. And there is your reading, my darling.

Vanessa:          Thank you so much, Jessica.