Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica:      Jess, tell me what you want a reading about.

Guest:              So my question is, "I've always been a bit incompetent in my work. For instance, I've recently completed my studies and only been working for a year. While I was studying, I wasn't super passionate, and I struggled to obtain my qualification. But I always figured that even though I was a bad student, I'd find a way to enjoy work and make it meaningful. But here I am, lacking motivation and interest in the thing I do for a living. Is this a manifestation of the underlying lack of patience and effort I put into my daily life? My current employment ends in a couple of weeks, and I'd like to know, how do I find the energy and guidance to choose what is best for me? Thank you so much for the wonderful work you do. Signed, Lazy and Unbothered."

Jessica:            Sorry. That gets me. It gets me every time, Lazy and Unbothered. Okay. So I have to ask, what did you study or what are you doing for work right now?

Guest:              I studied pharmacy. So I'm currently an intern.

Jessica:            Why did you choose to be a pharmacist?

Guest:              I didn't.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. So how did it happen? Did they recruit you?

Guest:              I thought I wanted to study medicine because my dad told me I should become a doctor. But I wasn't accepted for medicine, so I ended up doing pharmacy.

Jessica:            So it was just kind of like your dad told you to do a thing. You were like, "Eh. Let's try."

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            And then it didn't work, so you were like, "Well, this is the second best."

Guest:              Exactly. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. And you've had your first job as a pharmacist, and you didn't love it.

Guest:              I didn't.

Jessica:            Of course not. I don't know why⁠—okay. We're going to get into this. We're going to get into this. But then the other thing is you called yourself lazy and unbothered, but I want to ask, are you really lazy and are you really unbothered?

Guest:              Yeah. So I'm doing my internship, and I don't like it that much. I don't know if I can ever be good at it. I wasn't a good student. I barely pushed through it. It took six years to finish a four-year degree because it was a bit hard for me.

Jessica:            When you say you weren't a good student⁠—because I read that in your question, and I was like, are you saying you didn't get good grades, or are you saying you kind of fucked off?

Guest:              A bit of both.

Jessica:            Okay.

Guest:              I didn't get good grades. I wouldn't attend classes most of the time.

Jessica:            Okay. So you were technically not good at being a student.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. And then the question that I asked before⁠—but are you really lazy? And also, are you really unbothered? Are both of those statements true?

Guest:              I think I'm lazy. I act like somebody that's lazy. And I'm very bothered. I think about it a lot.

Jessica:            Okay.

Guest:              I lie down in bed and⁠ [crosstalk]—

Jessica:            Obsessing on it.

Guest:              I obsess on it. Yes.

Jessica:            Yes. Okay. There is so much to say in your chart. Okay? There's just so much to say. But one of the things I want to ask you before we even get into any of it is, do you have to be a pharmacist? Do you have to stay with it because you already did the education, realistically?

Guest:              I don't.

Jessica:            You don't. Great.

Guest:              I don't.

Jessica:            Okay. Wonderful. And is there anything else that you would want to do that you can think of, whether or not it's realistic?

Guest:              I've always wanted to study journalism or maybe marketing.

Jessica:            Interesting. Very not-similar paths, I guess except for they're both about communication, really, right? And they're so different from anything to do with medicine.

Guest:              Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. And journalism⁠—do you mean like writing, or do you mean photojournalism, like filming and pictures and all that?

Guest:              I think writing.

Jessica:            Writing. Mm-hmm. And do you⁠—

Guest:              Like being a reporter.

Jessica:            Do you currently write?

Guest:              No.

Jessica:            Okay. And do you enjoy writing when you have written?

Guest:              No.

Jessica:            Not at all?

Guest:              I'm not even sure if I do want to do those things. I just see people doing them, and I'm like, "Oh, that looks nice."

Jessica:            Yes. Okay. Let's do this. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to have you say your full name out loud.

Guest:              [redacted]

Jessica:            Okay. This is where I'm going to begin. I actually don't think you're lazy. I think you can be lazy. I mean, I don't want to take that from you completely. I think what happens for you is that you are such a perfectionist that you say, "Fuck it. I would rather not try and not fail than try and fail." Does that feel right?

Guest:              It does.

Jessica:            It's easy to say that you're lazy because it sounds like you're not taking it seriously, even though it looks like you take it heart-attack seriously. You take it too seriously. It makes you kind of like you can't make a move one way or another because⁠—okay. So, in your birth chart, you have a Saturn opposition to Mars, and it forms a T-square to your Sun/Neptune conjunction. And you were raised with both your parents; is that right?

Guest:              Yes, I was.

Jessica:            Yes? Is there a "but"?

Guest:              Yeah, there is a "but." So my mom lives way across the country.

Jessica:            Oh.

Guest:              So I grew up with my dad, and then for holidays or some weekends, my mom would travel and come to us or we would go to her.

Jessica:            Oh. Wow, Unfortunately, that shows up in your birth chart. And I say "unfortunately" because it looks hard. Having Saturn conjunct the I.C., as you do, and having it be opposite Mars, which is conjunct your Midheaven, it looks like there is so much pressure to be something big, to prove yourself, not just for you but to prove yourself for him.

Guest:              Yes. Yeah.

Jessica:            It had the opposite effect that he wanted it to have. He thought he could pressure you into a diamond. And what happened was he pressured you into feeling like you would never be enough, so why bother? He pressured you into feeling like you were nothing instead of making you feel like what he thought he was doing, which is he thought he was pressuring you into feeling like you're something big. It had the opposite effect because your father's belief⁠—first of all, I mean, your father very much loves you. Whether or not he's very nice about it is a different conversation, but he really loves you. His belief is that what he did is right, and what he does is right, and it doesn't matter what it feels like it to you; he knows it's right. He could step outside, see a bright blue sky, say it's raining, and if you disagree with him, it's on you.

Guest:              Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry.

Guest:              [indiscernible 00:07:43]. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah, because it's very overwhelming. He tells himself that he does this or he did this to make you stronger and brighter and bigger. But what he really wanted was a bunch of little copies of himself. And what the truth is of your nature is that you're a dreamer. I mean, you're a Capricorn. You've got Mercury and the Sun both in Capricorn in the twelfth house, but still Capricorn. But you are a weirdo. You've got a lot of Aquarius in you, like a lot of Aquarius in you. And you're odd, and you're by nature really spiritual. But were you raised with religion?

Guest:              Christianity, but no, not really.

Jessica:            Not really. And the reason why I ask is because that Saturn is such a disciplinarian that a lot of times, when people have this aspect, they were raised in a military family or a very religious family where it's all about rules and consequences.

Guest:              My parents were just very, very, very strict, lots and lots of rules and you can't say this. You can't talk like this to adults. You can't be this and that.

Jessica:            There's a lot of ways to fail.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. A lot of ways to fail. Yeah. I mean, and this is that Saturn opposition to Mars. So there's a lot of things that I want to say to you all at once, but I want to start with this idea that you have of yourself as lazy. I believe you when you say you act lazy. I'm not going to try to change reality or anything. But I think it's really important that you stop calling yourself lazy because that's your father/that's your mother who think that way. You don't think that way. You don't believe that. You want a life that has meaning. Medicine makes no sense for you because you are creeped out by bodies.

Guest:              I am.

Jessica:            Yeah. I see that. You giving needles or touching sick people would be a terrible thing for you to do. It just wouldn't work. It wouldn't make you happy. And I'm going to monologue for a minute here, okay? You have a T-square in your birth chart. It's this Mars/Saturn opposition that indicates the kind of restrictions and rules and pressure of your childhood that you have taken on so that it created this very strong part of your nature that is⁠—you are ambitious. You want to prove yourself to the world. You are competitive. If you're going to do something, you want to be successful at it. You very much care.

                        But the pressure is really hard on you. The pressure⁠—it can make you feel depressed. It can make you feel anxious. It can make you just feel like giving up on everything. So, when there's too much pressure, even for something like a test that you don't even really care about but you really care about, you may just stop texting your friends back. Everything kind of goes.

Guest:              I feel so anxious about a test, and I'm just like, "Fuck it. I'm going to sleep."

Jessica:            And then you do, right? You literally just sleep.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            So the reason why you can escape into sleep is because in your birth chart, Mars and Saturn form a T-square to Neptune and the Sun. And so your coping mechanism is to disassociate, and that disassociation can be sleep. It can be scrolling on your phone for five hours and being like, "Oh fuck. That was five hours." And it could also be fantasy life, so being like, "I want to be a journalist. I hate writing, but I know I want to be a journalist," that kind of a thing, which I'm not saying it definitely is. But it's having a fantasy life that is really separate from reality because that Saturn principle in your chart is like, "Reality is mean. Reality is pressure. And so I'm going to just float above that with that Sun/Neptune conjunction and avoid all the pressure and just imagine what could be."

                        The problem with this is that you tell people that you're lazy and unbothered, when you're heavily bothered and you're actually not lazy at all. But you mean it when you're saying it because on the surface, that's what it looks like is happening. So let me talk a little bit more about your chart, okay?

Guest:              Okay.

Jessica:            You have a Uranus/Venus conjunction in Aquarius in the first house, and that just makes you weird. It just makes you a little weird, eccentric, odd. Your values are not the same as everyone around you's values. The things that you find interesting⁠—not the same as everybody else. You have what seems like a normal worldview or a normal take on the movie that everyone just watched⁠—to you. Everyone else is like, "What? I did not⁠—what? I didn't see it that same way."

                        And from where I'm sitting, that's a great part of you. That's where you have fun. That's where you are interested in the world. This part of you isn't perfectionistic. It isn't putting pressure on things. You're fun.

Guest:              I am.

Jessica:            Yeah. You're fun.

Guest:              I think I am. Yeah.

Jessica:            I think you are, and I think other people think you are. The way to overcome all of this parental pressure that you've taken in and taken on is by figuring out how to create a life that is motivated by meaning. And the thing about that is what gives you meaning is going to be different than somebody else. You might get meaning from marketing; I don't know. But it is really about following what you think is actually interesting instead of doing what you think is the right thing to do⁠—quote unquote, "the right thing to do." I'm not saying ignore what is right.

Guest:              Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            So I'm saying a lot of words to you. I'm going to slow down and just have you take a breath and let me know if you have any questions, if anything I'm saying feels wrong or anything else you want me to speak to, anything like that.

Guest:              So my question is, how do I know if something is meaningful to me? That sounds like a silly question, but⁠—

Jessica:            No. It's a very deep question. I'm like, "How do I know what's meaningful?" That's a great question, and it is⁠—let me see how I can figure that out. Say your full name out loud again.

Guest:              [redacted]

Jessica:            I see your father's energy over you like a cloak. It's like a heavy blanket over you, and it makes it really hard to even seriously consider where there's meaning because what this situation, what this dynamic, does is it makes you feel like, "I have to figure out what's right so I can prove it to my father and let him know and then push him off, and then I can go do my own thing after I've proven that my own thing is valuable or valid." That is not how you are going to find meaning, unfortunately.

                        There are things in your life I am seeing that do give you meaning. Do you journal? What is it that I'm seeing that you do? I'm seeing you're doing something home alone, doing something small. What is it?

Guest:              I try to journal. I enjoy it when I do, but I'm not consistent with it. I also make⁠—I don't know if you can call it art, but I draw things.

Jessica:            Okay. Drawing. It's drawing. This is going to sound annoying to you. I apologize in advance. But what I'm looking at is, when you draw and you're just not thinking about it⁠—you're not like, "I'm trying to draw something," but you're just drawing and kind of relaxing⁠—this feeling that you get is a sense of meaning.

Guest:              Ah. Yeah.

Jessica:            So it's not civic duty, and it's not responsibility, and it's not productive. It fills you up and makes you feel like⁠—you have this sense of being present, and for lack of a better word, there's a sparkle to it. I'm not encouraging you to therefore become an artist, to quit your day job and become an artist. First of all, you're a Capricorn. I actually don't think you would enjoy drawing if you had to do it to sell. It's more that you're giving yourself the space to explore.

And the reason why journaling isn't consistently good for you is because you get weird and goal-oriented about it. Also, I would say if you're going to journal, you should burn the book when you're done or delete the file when you're done. You don't need proof of your thoughts out in the world. I think it's more about the process of writing them down. When you journal, do you write with pen and paper?

Guest:        Yeah. I do.

Jessica:            Yeah. I would encourage you, after you're done journaling, once you just finish writing it, cut it up. Throw it into the recycling. Throw it into the trash. Rip it into a million pieces. I'm not just telling you to do this because I see how weird you are about privacy. There's that, but also, this thing that was instilled in you that there's no point in doing anything if it's not for something⁠—you have to be productive⁠—this belief, it makes you feel so much pressure that you just shut down.

So doing something like journaling for the act of release and of getting to know yourself and then saying, "I'm not attached to it. I'm not creating a product. I'm just ripping it up, and it was still worth doing," would be a really good practice for you because I think there's a part of you that feels uncomfortable with, "What's the point of writing something down if I'm just going to tear it up in five minutes?" But that's exactly what you should do it because that's a great practice for you.

For you to be a pharmacist is such a waste of your best talents. You don't get to joke around with people. You don't get to get to know people. You don't get to really help⁠—I mean, you get to help people, but in a way that is not your style. It doesn't give you a sense of meaning, even if you end up doing meaningful things here and there.

I gotta tell you the last two years, Pluto has been squaring Mars and your Saturn, and it's currently sitting on top of your Sun and your Neptune. And so this has been a really rough time for you. And the part of you that experiences so much pressure, not just from your parents but from inside of you that is like, "I have to prove myself. I have to figure this out. I have to grow up and do the right thing and all this kind of shit⁠," has gotten really, really loud in the last couple years.

All to say you have a decision to make about whether or not your life is yours or whether or not it belongs to your parents. I know. Sorry. And I don't know what that means for you. Do you feel like you can choose to live in a way that disappoints them?

Guest:        I already have [indiscernible 00:18:45].

Jessica:            You say that, but you're a pharmacist. I mean, there are so many things that I feel you could have or would have or might still do that are so far from pharmacist and so much closer to you. If you were to do that, what is a job that your parents would think is just terrible?

Guest:              A graphic designer.

Jessica:            Okay. Very specific. I love it. Okay. Good. A graphic designer. So let's say you became a graphic designer. What would happen with your parents? Would they cut you off? Would they stop talking to you? What would happen?

Guest:              They wouldn't cut me off. They would just be really disappointed. Yeah.

Jessica:            And what would happen when they were really disappointed?

Guest:              They will [indiscernible 00:19:33] me, ask me if I am sure. How am I going to make a living? How am I going to support my family?

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. That's what I was trying to uncover a little bit here. In life, we have a choice. We don't always have good choices, right? I mean, you could choose to, let's say, be a graphic designer. And it's funny that you say that, because yeah, based on your chart, you would actually be a great graphic designer. It's creative. It's structured. There are rules but not too many. Well, I mean, there's a lot of rules, but it's not like pharmacist rules. It's a lot more flexible. Anyways, I'm not telling you to be a graphic designer, but it's interesting that you chose that, because in your chart, yeah, you'd be a great graphic designer.

What really comes up for me when I look at your birth chart is that you are struggling not just with whether or not you're going to live for yourself in terms of pleasing your parents. Your parents have convinced you⁠—and they may be right; I don't know, but⁠—that the whole of society agrees with them and that if you are doing something wrong, then you are doing it wrong against all of society. That Saturn/Mars conjunction with Mars conjunct the Midheaven⁠—they really believe it. They believe there's a right way to live and there's a wrong way to live, and if you do anything at all individualistic, it's wrong and there will be consequences. And some of that's specifically because you're a woman, and some of that's what they would say to a brother as well.

Your parents have placed⁠—and I keep on wanting to focus on your father. I mean, your father just feels like such an intense authoritarian parent, and it is too much pressure. And when it comes to this topic of meaning, the truth of the matter is you could decide, "Fuck it. I'll be a fucking pharmacist. I won't like it, but I will create meaning in my life outside of my work." You don't have to take an alternative work path in order to have meaning. However, I think you're too ambitious to not do something that actually gives you a feeling of life.

Pluto is now squaring your Midheaven, which means you are being forced by your circumstances to pick a lane and either step into power or eat shit. Pluto governs shit, literal and metaphorical shit. So that's kind of the way it feels right now, is like you have to make a decision. And the only things that you're really clear about are what you don't want and not what you do want. And again, it is not because you're lazy. It's because you're doing things that feel bad to you. So I don't even know⁠—did I answer your question?

Guest:        I don't know.

Jessica:      I don't either.

Guest:              I feel like, as child, when people asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"⁠—that's the question I'm asking myself now, but I don't know the answer to it. And I just feel like I am aimlessly floating around. Every day, I wake up. I go to work. I come back home. I sleep, and then I do it again. What's the point?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Guest:              What do I need to do different?

Jessica:            Okay. I have a crazy question. Do you like children?

Guest:              I do.

Jessica:            This is a crazy question out of left field. Have you ever thought about being a schoolteacher, like a teacher of children?

Guest:              I haven't.

Jessica:            No?

Guest:              But I think I would enjoy it.

Jessica:            That's why I'm asking.

Guest:              I would probably enjoy it.

Jessica:            You would enjoy it, right?

Guest:              I love children.

Jessica:            You do. And it would be like teaching them, so you'd be telling them what to do. And you love bossing people around. We haven't gotten to that yet, but you're great at it. So you'd get to boss people around, but also, if they were little kids, there's an element of play. You would get to teach them social skills, which you love. And kids are weird, and you love getting to be weird. You're really good at telling stories. I don't know if you have any little kids in your life, but you're great with kids. It's interesting that it's just never occurred to you. Is it because you couldn't make enough money as a teacher?

Guest:              I think so.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's right. And is making money important to you?

Guest:              Not really.

Jessica:            It's not. It's really important to your dad, but it's actually not that important to you.

Guest:              It's not.

Jessica:            No. You have Pisces on your second-house cusp. You also have Jupiter in your second house. And these placements mean that you like experiences. You really like nice experiences. But you actually don't crave things so much. You don't really care about money stuff so much. You care about power, and you care about being good at what you do, but you don't care about money.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            So working with children is really big here. It's really big here. And if you wanted to be a writer even though you hate writing⁠, you damn weirdo⁠, you would actually do really well creating children's books.

Guest:              Hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Guest:              Okay.

Jessica:            Drawing and writing children's books.

Guest:              Okay.

Jessica:            I want you to notice that feeling that you just had⁠—it's so different than any kind of feeling you've ever had about pharmaceuticals or medicine or any of that kind of shit, right?

Guest:              It is.

Jessica:            Big difference. And again, when I point you towards teaching, the reason why I do it is because you have a Sun/Neptune conjunction as the focal planets of your T-square. And what this indicates is that you would derive a sense of meaning from having a life where you are bossing people around, being creative, and having your days different every damn day and being around children. You could actually work with older people, as well, like with senior citizens. I just don't think it would be as sparkly for you for a couple of reasons. But you actually could do it as well, especially if you were doing recreational programming or something with older people.

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Jessica:            So let's say we stumbled quickly upon something that you would actually enjoy that would give you meaning and would pay you not great, but it's still a respectable field. Even though the money would concern your parents, it wouldn't be a new career that they don't understand, like graphic designer. Would they be super mad at this idea?

Guest:              My mom's a teacher.

Jessica:            Interesting. Does she like it?

Guest:              I think she's just stuck in it.

Jessica:            She's stuck.

Guest:              I don't think she chose it. Yeah. She's stuck.

Jessica:            This is a crazy question. I mean, I don't know if it's legally allowed or whatever. But could you shadow her at work? Could you go and spend time with her at work to see what a day in her classroom is like?

Guest:              I could.

Jessica:            Yeah? Does she teach little kids?

Guest:              No, high school kids.

Jessica:            Oh. I actually don't think you would love teaching high school kids.

Guest:              No.

Jessica:            Yeah. No. You agree. Yeah. I don't think you want to teach kids that are dealing with hormonal changes. I think, for you, that's like⁠—as soon as those hormones kick in, you're out. So little kids is for you. So here's the thing. I don't want to encourage you to make a life decision based on a 20-minute conversation or whatever. But I would encourage you to see if you could⁠—I don't know⁠—shadow somebody who teaches little kids.

Do a little bit more research into what the lifestyle of teaching is really like so that before you bring it up to your parents as, "I am changing my mind and my whole course of life," you have more confidence in yourself, because listen. Making your parents feel good about what you do⁠—it doesn't matter what you do. You could be a doctor. I mean, your dad is always going to be your dad. You could be the best neurosurgeon in the country, and your dad would still have something to say. Pleasing him⁠—being respectful is one thing, but organizing your life for him⁠—there's no point. There's really no point.

                        You need to figure out how to like you and feel good about you. And the more I think about it, the more I'm like, "Oh." The other thing about school, like little kids, is you have half the day free, right? I'm assuming it's there, too⁠—you have summers free. So it gives you a lot of freedom. You get to be a part of the community and you're giving to society, but you're not doing it in a way that separates you from the community. It's a way for you to be a part. You're helping kids to grow.

                        I don't know. I'm convincing myself of this. I'm starting to feel like it's a really good idea. But let me pull back and say do not let me convince you. Do not let me convince you, because I know I'm a very convincing person. Do whatever kind of research you can, and then if you decide that this is a path you want to take or you figure out something else, I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to be sad and hurt at your parents' reaction, but to not let it change your mind.

You're allowed to have feelings about it. But just because you have feelings about it doesn't mean that they're right. And the truth is what your father thinks will make you happy has nothing to do with happiness. I don't think your parents, either of them, make any decisions based on happiness. I just don't think that's who you are. I think when you're not happy, you feel like an empty vessel.

And so I don't want to sound idealistic, especially because I'm talking to a fellow Capricorn, so I feel like it's rude to be idealistic. But I actually do think that you can have a great deal of happiness in this life. But you do have to prioritize meaning, and that might mean that⁠—let's say you're a pharmacist for a couple of years. And then, eventually, you're like, "Why am I doing this? No." Then you become a teacher, and you're a teacher for 15 years. And then you're like, "Okay. I'm done with kids," and you figure out the next thing. You're allowed to give yourself a dynamic life where you do different things. You are the captain of this ship is what I want to say.

Guest:              Most nights, I've asked myself⁠—I just wonder if⁠—will I ever be happy? Will I ever do something that I enjoy? Will I ever know what I want in life? So hearing you say that I'm the captain of my own ship⁠—I know it's true, but hearing you say it feels good.

Jessica:            Good. I'm glad. So I don't focus on the Nodes very much for younger people. You're younger people. But I will say this. Your North Node is in Leo. One of the things you've come here on a soul level to learn⁠—which means you haven't already mastered this lesson. On a soul level, you need to practice. You are still learning this⁠—is how to embrace love and play and ease and creativity, being aligned with yourself. That's that Sun/Leo stuff. Everything in your childhood pointed you away from that, literally fucking everything, okay? Like everything.

                        And so, on a soul level, it's written in your chart. This is a righteous direction to point yourself in. And part of your fear is that you're lazy and you're prioritizing silly pleasures over your responsibilities. But the reason why you fear that is because⁠—your parents, really, not because of you. But your parents loom so⁠—I mean, I see it's mainly your father looms so large, like just so large over you. And you love him, eh?

Guest:              I love him so much.

Jessica:            Yeah. I see that.

Guest:              [crosstalk]

Jessica:            Yeah. It doesn't look like you're mad at him all the time or anything. It's just he's impossible to please. I don't mean to be hyperbolic. I mean literally not possible. There's nothing possible about pleasing him. If he could tell you exactly what to do and you do exactly that, he's still not pleased. But he loves you, so it's very convincing. He loves you, loves you, loves you. He's very sweet on you. He loves you. Is that obvious to you?

Guest:              As I grow older, it is.

Jessica:            The thing I can tell you is this. Your father believes that everything he's doing is good for you. And I think he's wrong about most of it because what he's doing is he's trying to turn you into him because⁠—I don't know how much he's talked to you about his childhood⁠—everything he did was so much better than he feared he would become, and everything he did was good for him. Does this make sense with what you know of his childhood?

Guest:              Yeah. It does.

Jessica:            Your father worked himself to the bone, and he took responsibility as the thing that gave him meaning. And it did. It gave him meaning, and it gave him a sense of purpose. And it made him feel connected to community and to family. And it's true for him, and it's not true for you. It's just not true for you, partially because of your nature, but also⁠, and I think this is something that, a lot of times, our parents have a hard time seeing is that your father grew up with struggle that you didn't grow up with. He did his job.

But instead of him really understanding that and allowing you to enjoy the gift that he worked so hard to give you of a better life, he's like, "Well, you have to do exactly what I did; otherwise, you're going to be in the worst-case scenario that I would have been in," even though that's just not your situation. You grew up comfortable. I mean, not emotionally, because your dad is very intense. But there is a lot of comfort in your life, eh?

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And that's the gift he gave you. But instead of letting you just be a happy person who gets to figure out what they want to do, he's like, "No, no, no, no, no. You can never trust that you're going to be safe, so you have to work harder and you have to work harder and you have to work harder." To a certain extent, again, it's going to be hard to please your dad ever.

But if you come to a place where you give yourself several months, a year, however long it takes to figure out, "Okay. I want to try this thing. I want to try this thing"⁠—maybe it's teaching⁠—and you come to him and you say, "This makes me unhappy, and I've really tried. I've done a lot of research, and I want to try this other thing. This is what I'm going to do," he'll fight with you. He'll argue with you. He'll try to convince you otherwise. But he'll respect it if you stick to your guns.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            It's just not going to work if you, let's say, run⁠—after this conversation, you're like, "Dad, I got this new idea," because he's heard a lot of your ideas. He's not going to go for it. So you need to do research. And this is where I want to say to you you are a Capricorn. You have to do some of the Capricorn things. I mean, you've got so much Aquarius and Pisces in your chart.

This is where, once you have an idea about, "Okay. Will this give me meaning?"⁠—do some research. How much do teachers actually make? How much schooling do you actually need? How hard is it to get a job? Would you have to move? Thinking about what your days look like, seeing if you can shadow a teacher⁠—doing those kinds of things so that you feel like you've built some support for yourself around this vision so it's not just a fantasy, but instead, it's a goal. And what I'll say is that when you do that kind of research, you start to lose your boner a little bit. Right?

Guest:              Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Sorry. And so some of that is just kind of like⁠—whatever. That's boring stuff. That's not the fun part.

Guest:              It's so boring. It's so boring.

Jessica:            It's so boring. It's so boring. Absolutely. So that's like, okay, whatever. It's just fucking boring. But it's not bad; it's just boring. And then the other part is, if you push through the boring and you get more information, and you're like, "This is not interesting," then that's information. It's not just boring. It's actually information. Liking the fantasy but not the reality means you don't really like it. So there is that to handle. But I want to say⁠—do you dance?

Guest:              Yeah. I do.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Guest:              I'm not good at it, but I do [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Do you take dance classes or dance with a group, or do you just go out with friends and dance?

Guest:              I go out with friends and I dance⁠—

Jessica:            Okay.

Guest:              ⁠—or I dance alone in my room.

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, I mean, dancing is incredibly good for you because it's like a way for you to release all this pent-up energy that you have. So dancing is Mars. Because it's opposite Saturn, I can't help but wonder if for as long as you're doing a job that you fucking hate and you're going to work and you're coming home and you're going to sleep and repeating, if you need to find a habit, something that you do outside of work that shakes things up for you⁠—and I wonder if dancing might be it, like taking a dance class. Is that weird? Is that possible?

Guest:              It is possible.

Jessica:            Okay, because I feel like that is not going to change the whole, "I don't really want to be a pharmacist, but oh my God, here I am." It's not going to change that, but it's going to add more to your day, A, and then B⁠—and this is really important⁠—it will allow you to have an outlet for your anger and frustration and how blocked you feel. And that's really key because if some of that gets worked out with sweat, then you'll have an easier time sorting through your emotions because, right now, it's like you're emotionally backlogged. So, if it's not dance, then self-defense or combat would be great, anything where you're just really pushing your body. Have you ever done archery? I know this is super random, but⁠—

Guest:        I almost joined an archery club last week.

Jessica:      What?

Guest:              But there's just too many men, and they're all white. You know, it's like, no, I probably wouldn't enjoy it.

Jessica:            No. No, no. You wouldn't enjoy it. But you were on the right path. I actually feel like archery could be really good for you because, again, it's like precision and focus, but it's also a little violent. And I feel like that's a good outlet for you. So I wonder if you could search if there's a women's archery club or something like that. Just do a little more research because I think you had the right idea, and then the first place you found was a pass, and you were just like, "Well, forget it, then."

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            But keep looking is what I'm saying is keep looking. I'm going to give you a little piece of homework, okay? And the homework is⁠—

Guest:              I like homework.

Jessica:            You like homework? Yeah. Capricorn. Capricorns. We love a little homework. It's to really ask yourself how much you care about career and why, like to actually really ask yourself about it. Journal about it. Draw about it. Talk about it with friends. Watch videos on YouTube about it⁠—whatever. But explore it in lots of different ways. Maybe⁠—I don't know⁠—watch videos of old people talking about purpose and meaning in life and, after all these years of living, what it actually means to them.

                        Approach this topic from a lot of different angles is what I'm saying. Really tap into your Aquarian side. Be really curious about how lots of different kinds of people think about this topic and all the different kinds of stories you can think and feel about this topic because I think that will help to open things up for you so that there's enough room for you to figure out what you want and what you think. And I feel like that⁠—it might seem like very subtle homework, like not-that-big-a-deal homework. But I think it can have a massive effect on your sense of self.

                        What I'm recommending is that you go outside of your work and even outside of your own social circle, which is why I'm like, "Go on YouTube and listen to older people," and all that kind of stuff, because here's the thing. You've got Pluto in Sagittarius. And one of the things that I am convicted is so important for Pluto in Sagittarius generation, gen Z⁠—whatever you want to call it⁠—is intergenerational connections. It's like learning from older people really can help to expand your worldview. So, again, I'm like, it can be older people in your life, but that might be your family members. So that is not actually what I'm recommending. That's why I'm like, "Go on YouTube." You know what I mean?

                        I really want to encourage you to expand your thinking by hearing from people that have a completely different take than you and a different take than the people around you because that actually could be quite inspiring for you. And within that, what I think comes up is you're like, "Okay. Well, I have all these big ideas, but I don't know what to do." And so you get deflated.

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's because you're trying to turn insight into action too quickly. I know you feel like you're running out of time. I know you feel like you've been doing this forever, and you're too old. You're a fucking Capricorn, so you got all this, like, "I should be there by now." But you are very young still, the truth is. You're in your 20s. You're how old?

Guest:              25.

Jessica:            25. Yeah. I mean, does that feel old to you?

Guest:              No, not really.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. Good, because you've really been an adult for maybe five years. Maybe five years. And life expectancy⁠—I mean, you've got another, what, 60, 70⁠—I mean, my God. I don't know. It's a lot of years in front of you. You are barely at the beginning. If you don't change when you're young you don't have kids and you don't have a husband and all this kind of stuff, when is it going to get easier? Literally never.

Guest:              Never.

Jessica:            Never. So, if you can, stay in the spiritual. And in the spiritual, what we know is in order to work with energy and inspiration, we must not rush to turn energy and inspiration into something material, into proof, into a job title, because if you're rushing to take inspiration and turn it into something material, then you're not sitting with the inspiration and allowing it to change you. It's about allowing it to change you, which⁠—to be fair, you're scared of it changing you because that's going to disappoint your father more than anything else.

                        And yet your dad actually loves you. And as much as I have kind of criticized your father a lot, I don't think anything would make him turn away from you. He will love you no matter what. You just have to stand up to him eventually, not in a rebellious, childlike way, but in order to say, "This is the life I'm choosing. I need your support." Eventually, you're going to have to say that to him. I mean, you don't have to do shit, but I encourage you to.

                        But if you rush to get to that place, then it's going to be like a childish rebellion instead of you knowing yourself and making a decision for yourself. You're just not there yet. And one of the things that I think is really in your way⁠—it's that when you start to feel defeated and when you start to feel frustrated and like, "Fuck it. There's no fucking point. This isn't going to work. There's just no point," it's like you just stop right there. That feeling stops you in your tracks, eh?

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's really the thing. It's like even as I look at it psychically, it's like your energy just gets flatlined. It's like I can't even read your energy when you start to feel that way because you really go into this very deep⁠—like there is no point. I'm going to give you advice about something to try the next time that feeling comes up. And it comes up for you, like, 50 times a day; am I right?

Guest:              Yeah.

Jessica:            I'm so sorry. It's torture. I'm really sorry. I'm going to give you the advice to come up with a mantra. And it doesn't have to be that deep. You can create one of two mantras. You can create one that is deep, like you're creating something that you say like, "I'm going to focus on the energy of love. I'm going to focus on gratitude"⁠—something like that, where you're just something really positive. It's not speaking to your stress, but you just say it over and over and over and over and over again until the feeling shifts a little.

                        The other thing you can do is some version of "lalalalalalalalala." So you can just say, "Pink." Just say, "Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink," until the channel's changed a little in your head because part of what happens is that you start to feel this way, and you're so scared of feeling bad in this way and losing yourself to feeling bad, it's like you lose track of yourself. It's almost like you're a balloon and you just float all the way away. So, by bringing the same words⁠—for me, I like a sentence. For you, you might prefer a word, but bringing the same words over and over and over and over and over and over again that are positive or neutral⁠—first of all, you're pulling your balloon back down to earth a little bit.

                        And second of all, you're changing the station a little in your unconscious narrative, in your unconscious thinking, because what is happening in those moments, from my perspective, is that you are just running through all these tapes in your mind of your parents being like, "You have to be this. You have to be that. If you're not going to be this, there's no point in being that." I feel like your parents use the same words over and over and over again. Is that true? Do they repeat themselves?

Guest:              Yeah. They do.

Jessica:            Yeah. So I think that's why mantras are coming up for me, why you need to start repeating your own messages. But they should be your kind of messages. Part of what happens in your mid-20s is you start to realize that it's not enough to survive your childhood, but you have to figure out who the fuck you want to be. And it's hard. It is hard. And I mean, it's not equally hard for everyone, but it is hard for everyone.

                        And you thought when you were a kid⁠⁠—and there's still a part of you that thinks⁠—if you just suck it up and do the right thing, that things will get easier. But it's not true. It does not get easier for you. You actually do want love and meaning and play, and you deserve those things. And I actually think you can have a life where you are responsible and a good daughter and have a life that has a lot of meaning but is also not miserable. I think you can have all of these things, but the path to getting there is not being so focused on what you should do for living yet, but instead be more focused on, "Where is meaning? What does meaning feel like? When I'm joking around with this person, oh, I have this spark of meaning. Okay. That's really good information. I like enjoying people"⁠—things like that. Start to notice where meaning lives. Start to notice where you feel good, and start exploring that.

Guest:              I do have a question.

Jessica:            Okay.

Guest:              So you mentioned the mantra when I get [indiscernible 00:50:27].

Jessica:            Yes.

Guest:              So I just want to make sure I had it right. So let's say maybe I get back from work, and I have a bowl in the sink that I have to wash [indiscernible 00:50:39] wash my bowl when I ate cereal in the morning before I left for work. So, usually, when I come back from work and I see a dirty bowl in the sink, I'm just like, "Nah. I don't have enough energy. Fuck it. I want to sleep."

Jessica:            Yeah.

Guest:              So that's when I say the mantra?

Jessica:            Yes. And that doesn't mean you wash the bowl. You may not wash the bowl. You may wash the bowl. This is not to get you to wash the bowl, to be clear. It's to get you to not feel beaten down by the bowl. It's so that you don't feel beaten down by your responsibilities.

Guest:              So can I say the mantra and still go to sleep?

Jessica:            Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Guest:              Okay.

Jessica:            But the goal is to go to sleep without feeling badly about yourself. It's being like, "Oh, this is a gift I'm giving myself. And the bowl will wait for me. It's my bowl." It's about having more ownership over your life and your choices and not feeling like, "Oh, I'm doing something terribly wrong by coming home and just being like, 'I'm out.'" If that's how you need to function, that's how you need to function. And this is about shifting that feeling, not about shifting your actions, necessarily.

                        I really hope this helps. I feel like it can. But I want to just encourage you to know you are going through a bunch of Pluto transits, so it's not⁠—even if it's like I've given you the perfect advice and you do it perfectly, it's still going to be hard. And so I want to just say just because it's hard doesn't mean you're not doing a good job. Hard doesn't mean it's wrong. Hard just means it's hard. Okay?

Guest:              Thank you so much.

Jessica:            My pleasure.