Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:      Angela, are you ready to do this?

Angela:      I am.

Jessica:      Okay. Great.

Angela:      Thank you for having me.

Jessica:      I'm very excited you're here. Why don't you let me know what your question is?

Angela:           Okay. I'm going to read. "A recent situation with my mom, who has bipolar disorder, has led me to the realization that I'm spending my life trying to prove my worthiness. I'm in the process of finding a therapist to help deal with the resulting emotions, but I wonder what my birth chart says about my ability to love myself and others. I'm curious about how my newfound abilities⁠—empath and other possible clairs⁠—fit into this, as well as any parental trauma that is present in my chart."

Jessica:            And you're comfortable with me sharing your birth data, right?

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So you were born October 6th, 1976, 3:50 a.m., Brooklyn, New York. So am I hearing this right? You said that you recently had an experience with your mom that kind of triggered this thinking?

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            Do you feel comfortable sharing it?

Angela:           Oh, absolutely. My mom has bipolar disorder. And a lot of times, her trigger is the holidays. So, this Christmas, I wasn't able to go like I normally do because I wanted to make a little extra money. And she was very upset by this and proceeded to basically say, "When are you going to get your stuff together? I can't believe that you still can't afford to do these kind of things." And just the fact that she helps me a lot was kind of thrown in my face. There's a lot of weaponized help from her.

Jessica:            And she helps financially?

Angela:           She does. She does. And I think the biggest thing was just this ongoing disappointment that I feel she has for myself and my siblings that I realize, wow, that's just not⁠—it's not going to go away. There's really nothing I'm going to be able to do to prove that I'm trying my best, doing my best, am my best.

Jessica:            Yeah. Is your father in the picture at all?

Angela:           Well, they're divorced. I don't really talk to my parents that much. There was a lot going on in my childhood with them. They fought a lot, and⁠—

Jessica:            So they were married when you were growing up?

Angela:           Yes. They actually⁠—

Jessica:            That's what it looks like. Yeah. Yeah.

Angela:           They were married for much longer than they should have, like over 30 years. So, after seeing how he treated my mom, it's kind of hard to reach out to him, and then it's also hard to reach out to her because I kind of never know which version of her I'm going to get. So I kind of pull back a lot.

Jessica:            There's a lot of layers in this. And thank you for sharing a little backstory. So you mentioned your mom has bipolar disorder. I'm assuming that's diagnosed⁠—

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            ⁠—and treated to some level of efficacy.

Angela:           Well, she was diagnosed when I was young, so I want to say maybe eight-ish⁠. Never took medication for it, was in therapy for maybe a few months and never went back.

Jessica:            Wow. Okay.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Now, I should preface this with I'm not a fucking shrink. We all know I'm not a shrink, right? But it does look like one of your parents has narcissism, clinical narcissism. Who's that? Is that also your mom, or is that your dad?

Angela:           That's my mom.

Jessica:            That's your mom. Yeah. She looks busy. She's busy. So then your dad, we would then say, is the Neptune. So your dad is kind of the disassociation, check out, let things happen at him, doesn't take responsibility.

Angela:           100 percent.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. So Neptune in the fourth house⁠—Dad. Saturn in the twelfth house⁠—not uncommon to see this with children of narcissists. And the reason why is because Saturn in the twelfth house creates a situation where the parent believes that their version of right and wrong and even reality is more important than everyone else's. And if you disagree, then you are causing harm or punishing that person.

Angela:           Absolutely.

Jessica:            Clinical narcissism. Thank you very much, people.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And in your birth chart, you have Saturn at 14 degrees of Leo square to Venus at 12 degrees of Scorpio, a.k.a. it's a pretty hard square because it definitely indicates that love was doled out, and in a sense still is, conditionally and consequentially. It's like, "This is punishment for shining too brightly. This is punishment for not shining brightly enough." It's both. It's not just the one.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            I'm sorry. And then the other thing is your mom's own issues with how other people see her being something we could talk about for five hours. And yes, get a therapist. 150 percent, get a damn therapist. Yes, this will help because being a child of a narcissist is essentially having been conditioned to invalidate your own lived experience.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And one of the key things that Saturn in the twelfth house teaches is how to develop backbone. And so it would have been easy for me to just focus on your Sun/Pluto conjunction, and don't worry; we will. But I want to say that I think you would probably get a lot of value out of finding books and maybe TED talks about being a child of a narcissist because your mom's bipolar diagnosis is so obvious and the behavior associated with it is so obvious that it doesn't mean it's not traumatic. Oh, it's traumatic. But it's this narcissism⁠—I don't know if she has borderline stuff going on as well. I feel like sometimes it's hard with severe narcissists to tell the difference.

                        It is really important to be able to track the impact of these conditions placed on how much you're allowed to shine, the love that you get. Your mom may say, "Oh, when are you going to get your shit together? I'm giving you money." But she likes having the control because you have to talk to her since she gives you money. You have to be nice to her. You have to listen to her talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, because she gives you something, and she knows that you need her. And if you stop needing her financially, that would be its own problem, from what I'm seeing. Is that your experience? Yeah?

Angela:           Oh yes, 100 percent. 100 percent.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. So, all of that said, ground me back into the question. What's the question part here?

Angela:           I've just really been struggling with self-love and self-worth with all of this because there's a part of me that I know⁠—when I'm alone, I do love myself. I value myself. I know my worth. But I also don't know if that's just me being in my head because I feel like I'm never grounded. And when this last incident happened, I went into such a deep abyss. And it had me questioning everything because I was the caregiver for her since I was a child, and I became the caregiver for the family. Then I was a teenage mom, so I was a caregiver for my children.

                        And I've always had to do it alone, and there's a lot of aloneness and loneliness. And for the most part, I do feel like I'm comfortable by myself, but then there are other times where I'm just struggling. It's just I feel like I'm in a fog right now.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's get into that. So there are so many parts of what I want to say all at once. I should ask before I keep going, you're not dating currently?

Angela:           No, I am.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And is it a relationship, or is it like a dating situation?

Angela:           It's a relationship.

Jessica:            How long have you been with him?

Angela:           I want to say going on two years.

Jessica:            Congratulations. And is it working?

Angela:           In a lot of ways, it's amazing. And he's a person with a lot of trauma.

Jessica:            Sure.

Angela:           So it can be really tough to get him sometimes because he gets very closed off. But when he's open, it's magical. I've never experienced this kind of love before.

Jessica:            When he's closed off, does he communicate? Does he say to you, "I'm shut down. I can't show up right now," or does he just disappear?

Angela:           He just disappears.

Jessica:            Okay. So he's pulling your dad move.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, this⁠—

Angela:           I love dating my dad.

Jessica:            Sure. I mean, I think what the reality is⁠—fuck Freud. I don't believe in Freud shit. But we do tend to unconsciously date a family member that was core to our upbringing. And from your trauma basket, you're picking the better parent, right?

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            I mean, if you're going to have a very limited selection, he's your better move.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            I'm going to actually do⁠—and I didn't think I was going to do this, but would you say his full name out loud so I can look at him psychically?

Angela:           [redacted]

Jessica:            That's not his full name. Do you know his full name?

Angela:           He will not tell me his full name.

Jessica:            Oh.

Angela:           He refuses to tell me his middle name.

Jessica:            Interesting.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Why?

Angela:           He says that he hates it⁠—

Jessica:            Oh.

Angela:           ⁠—and he never wants anyone to know it.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           He also won't give me his birth chart. He won't tell me where and what time he was born, which drives me⁠—

Jessica:            Interesting. Interesting. Is he a Capricorn? It's such a weird control thing to do.

Angela:           No. He's actually a Libra like me.

Jessica:            He's a Libra like you? Okay. And he's your age?

Angela:           No. He's 32.

Jessica:            He's a human baby man.

Angela:           I know.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Okay. That threw me for a loop. I did not expect you to say that. Okay. Bear with me.

Angela:           I didn't expect it to happen, so yeah.

Jessica:            Obviously. That's bananas. Okay. Say his full name out loud again.

Angela:           [redacted]

Jessica:            Thank you. So, straight out the gate, let me say this. When you say his name, I see the whole of the name he's not sharing. And this is, for me, an energetic reflection because I see energy in names. And when we don't embody parts of ourselves⁠—and I'm not talking about dead names. I'm not saying, "I don't resonate with this anymore. I got married, and I choose to take my partner's name." It's when we reject parts of ourselves without first holding them that it becomes kind of Swiss cheesy. You know what I'm talking about? Like holes in the structure.

                        And so there is a way that he's all in with you. Do you guys live together?

Angela:           No, we don't.

Jessica:            It doesn't look like you do⁠—

Angela:           We've been talking about it.

Jessica:            But there's nothing happening. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. I see it leaning into that. I don't know that you need to live with this fucking man. Why would you live with this man? Because it's the next step.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            But do you like the way he lives?

Angela:           You know what? He is very adamant that he feels like if we live together, I will see a side of him that he doesn't want me to see.

Jessica:            He's not wrong.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            He's not wrong. And you, my Libra love with your little Neptune in the fourth house and your Moon in Pisces opposite Mercury⁠—you're like, "No. I'll totally like you no matter what." That's not true. Of course, that's not true. There are so many things he could do to make you dislike him and unattractid to him. And he is smart enough to know that you would lose attraction to him for a number of things he does. Some of it's how he⁠—I don't know if he stares at a wall and drools on himself for hours on end or if he plays video games, but there's something that he does to zone out that you don't respect.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            You know what that is?

Angela:           I know he plays video games, but it's so funny. Almost every guy in my younger years I dated plays video games. So that's actually a common thing because I like to be with someone who has their own thing and we're⁠—

Jessica:            Yes.

Angela:           ⁠—in the room, but we're both separate.

Jessica:            Not always interacting. Yes.

Angela:           Right. So that kind of thing actually wouldn't bother me. I think it⁠—

Jessica:            Yes, it would. I'm sorry. I'm going to be an obnoxious psychic in this moment to say this.

Angela:           Absolutely. Please do so.

Jessica:            He's disassociative and annoying the way he does it. It's not the action on its own. You can be like, "Oh, I'm doing this thing, and you're doing that thing. And every once in a while, we chat and move on." No. He's in another world. He does it so that he's in another world. And that triggers you because with your mom, that meant that shit was about to get unsafe and unreal. And with your dad, it was just another Tuesday, but it meant that you weren't being protected by the safer parent.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            And so it does trigger you. He's weird with hygiene. So I don't know if he keeps a really clean house sometimes, but then he lets it get real messy in other parts at times. There's something inconsistent about the way he keeps house that he is correct in believing will bug you and make you have a little less respect for him. So let me just say this. Let me just say this. You're a fucking Libra with a Pisces Moon. You don't think of yourself as somebody who loses respect for people. Is that correct?

Angela:           Yeah, I like to think that.

Jessica:            But you do. Am I wrong?

Angela:           And I do. You're not wrong.

Jessica:            But you do. Okay. So here's the thing is that you have a Saturn/Venus square. You have a Virgo Rising. You have a Pluto/Sun conjunction. All of these⁠—I mean, that's not even all the things. But all of these things plus-plus in your chart state that there's a right way of doing things and there's a wrong way of doing things. Am I wrong? No? Yeah?

Angela:           You are not.

Jessica:            No, I'm not.

Angela:           You're so right.

Jessica:            And you regulate yourself through the right way of doing things. Now, some of this is, again, kind of a trauma response from having a chaotic childhood where things weren't safe or predictable. But some of this is your personality. And I think this is the thing about being middle-aged. It's the thing about being 40-plus is that our maladjusted coping mechanisms and our nature become so intertwined that it's hard to separate them in different ways. And we don't always have to, to be honest.

                        In this regard, it's about having a knob where you can turn down the volume or the intensity on the right way/wrong way impulse because some of that is self-knowledge. Some of that is like you know if there are dishes in the sink for more than x amount of days or hours, that will be a problem for you. That's self-knowledge. And then some of it is you being over-reliant on externals as a way to create a sense of peace internally.

                        So I want to acknowledge that he's not wrong, that he is keeping you and keeping you happy in part by hiding certain parts of himself from you. And that's not inherently a bad thing or a wrong thing. Is it you who wants to live with him? Are you kind of pushing to⁠—that next step?

Angela:           I think so. It's a mutual thing. It's something we would both like. But I also know I like being alone. Right now, my oldest lives with me, and she has schizophrenia. And she's stable, but there's a lot she can't do. So there's still a lot on my plate. And then I have a 12-year-old boy.

Jessica:            Oh my. 12. Okay.

Angela:           Right. And so I want to live alone.

Jessica:            Yeah. Oh yeah. Alone. Alone.

Angela:           Do you know what I mean? So⁠—

Jessica:            Do you live in a building or in a house?

Angela:           Right now, I'm in an apartment, like a complex. And it's huge, and I hate it.

Jessica:            Is it possible that the two of you could think about him getting a unit in that complex or the two of you looking for a duplex or a fourplex and having an apartment each as a next step instead of actually living together?

Angela:           Yeah. That actually sounds doable.

Jessica:            It's a little odd.

Angela:           He lives far from me.

Jessica:            I think that that's the better move. And this is what I want to really affirm to you. You have a North Node/Uranus conjunction. Your way is not the super typical way. That's not what works for you. What works for you is adjusting things to reflect your need for autonomy and your own eccentricities. And I do think your relationship is doing well, and I do think it could be a support not only with the kids but just⁠—it's lovely to have him around most of the time.

                        But moving in together feels like⁠—it just feels like it's not the right thing, but it's the right direction. And so, again, not even⁠— it doesn't have to be a fucking duplex. It could be a fourplex. It could be just a building, maybe smaller than where you're currently, but where the two of you have your own units. And then you can easily have breakfast if you want, sleep together or blissfully not fucking sleep together. Have the bed to yourself, which you sometimes really need. Right?

Angela:           Absolutely.

Jessica:            Yeah. You need to dream alone sometimes. You're really, really sensitive to people. And so there is a way that having space for people helps you to sort through all these spidey webs of shit that get on you and just return to center. And having this man who's so actively committed to disassociating so much of the time is really going to be a pain in your ass⁠—

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—whereas he is really supportive in a lot of other ways, right?

Angela:           Oh yeah. He's amazing.

Jessica:            Yeah. So I would encourage you to sit with this idea and then talk to him about it. I'm willing to wager he would love this idea because, then, you wouldn't have to see parts of him that he is not ready to show you. And he just can't sustain what you need from him. He can't sustain it. And it's not because he's 32, although maybe it'll get better as he ages if he does the work. It's because of⁠—he's not capable of staying present yet. I mean, he would have to really commit to therapy for that to change in a positive way.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            He doesn't drink?

Angela:           He doesn't, but he smokes weed.

Jessica:            Okay. Every day, all day? Or a little bit?

Angela:           Every day, I want to say maybe twice a day. It's like medicine for him, so yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. But it's not like a wake-and-bake, full-time situation?

Angela:           Oh, yeah, no. No.

Jessica:            Okay. That's fine for you, it looks like. Is that correct? Am I seeing that right?

Angela:           Oh yeah. That's perfectly fine.

Jessica:            It doesn't look like an issue. And how is that for your child with schizophrenia? Is weed at all of a trigger for her?

Angela:           They take medication, but I do know that they also supplement it with weed.

Jessica:            With eating weed or smoking weed?

Angela:           Smoking.

Jessica:            Okay. And it's not a negative?

Angela:           It doesn't seem to be, no.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. It looks like they have some things they have to be careful around with addiction, or it might just be compulsive behavior. Am I seeing that correctly?

Angela:           Compulsive behavior. Absolutely.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And so I think that, while your partner is actually a really great influence and connection with your daughter⁠—am I seeing that right?

Angela:           Yeah. I actually met him through her.

Jessica:            That makes sense. Yes.

Angela:           They work together yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           [crosstalk]

Jessica:            But he is compulsive in his behaviors in a way that could rub her the wrong way. And it just really depends on how good or bad your luck is, really. It's like his compulsive, self-soothing behaviors and her various states that can occur⁠—it may be actually a perfect match or the worst of matches. It just depends. And so, again, why only two years into this relationship would you push that? What is the rush? You're not trying to have another child, I'm assuming.

Angela:           No.

Jessica:            You're set. You are set.

Angela:           I'm good.

Jessica:            Yes. You are good. And he's not feeling the need to have more kids, or to have kids, rather?

Angela:           No.

Jessica:            Okay. Great.

Angela:           Not at all. Yeah, has no desire.

Jessica:            Great. But he is comfortable showing up as an adult with your little kid, right? With your 12-year-old?

Angela:           Oh, that was the most amazing thing. They had an instant click.

Jessica:            Yeah. I see that.

Angela:           He helped me move because my child was on a business trip, and it was the day we had to move. And he actually helped us move. My son does not like anyone. And when I tell you it was⁠—I was dumbfounded how close they were.

Jessica:            That's awesome.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            That'll last longer if he's next door and not in the house.

Angela:           I agree.

Jessica:            Yeah. So I'm going to bring it back to you in a moment. Do you have any questions about this relationship that you want me to look at or answer, since we're here?

Angela:           The crazy thing is⁠—so he is polyamorous. And I came into the relationship, and he was with someone. So they live together right now.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           And it's rocky. And I understand my place in his life and how he feels about me. I don't worry about that. My worry is the other person and what their energy⁠—

Jessica:            So he's going to stay with her?

Angela:           He's wishy-washy about that. They have a really long history. They grew up together, and he feels a sense of⁠—he feels like he promised to be there for her, and he doesn't want to go back on his word. And there is a connection with them.

Jessica:            When he talks about moving in with you, is the idea that he would live with you and stay with her and continue to date her?

Angela:           That's still up in the air.

Jessica:            There's no way in hell that would work for you.

Angela:           Yeah, it wouldn't.

Jessica:            No fucking way.

Angela:           And only because she's proven herself to me to be untrustworthy. I think, before, I would have been open to it, but⁠—

Jessica:            It is not a good move for you.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Sorry to interrupt, but I⁠—

Angela:           No, that's fine.

Jessica:            You have a Venus/Saturn square. That shit is monogamous.

Angela:           Yes, I'm very.

Jessica:            So monogamous. I don't see that working for you long term in your house. That said, these two are trauma bonded.

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. They're trauma bonded. And so he needs to not move out, so now I'm tripling down on everything I've said because he needs to not move from his mommy's house to his girlfriend's house to your house, because you're going to notice that and you're not going to be fucking down for it. And it'll ruin the relationship. He needs to live on his own like a big boy, and I don't know that he knows how to. I'm seeing that a lot more clearly now that you shared. Thank you. And I'm not sure that he's ready to do that. I'm not sure he's going to leave her unless he's leaving her to land in your lap.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that is an indication of what's wrong with him. And if you're like, "You know what? What I have right now is working for me, and I don't need to rush this to be anything more than it is," then leave it as it is for now. I mean, I cannot tell, honestly, if you need this relationship to change and progress or if you're just being normie about it; you're being like, "Well, it's been two years. We should be moving in a direction; otherwise, what are we doing?" Very Saturn/Venus squarey, right?

                        And listen. Maybe that's true, but I don't know that it is. I think it really depends on what you want and need. And I am going to say that I don't think you have fully explored what you want and need because that drive inside of you to be like, "Well, what's the right thing to do?"⁠—and do you feel that that's correct? Have you explored what you actually want and need?

Angela:           That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           Yeah. I'm still in the middle of, "What is it that I really want?"

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           Yeah, because when I think of it, I would be perfectly fine with us not living together for the rest of our lives, quite honestly.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Angela:           I like my space, but I also like⁠—and this is the thing I'm working on. I've taken care of everyone, it feels like, my entire life.

Jessica:            Yes.

Angela:           And I'm so tired, and I want to be taken care of. And I even tell him, "I want you to take care of me. And I know that's not how I should feel because it's not your job." But I'm so exhausted by this constant care that I've had to take⁠—it was my mom. Then it was⁠—I lived with my sister and her kids, my kids, my daughter. It's just⁠—it's so much.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's so much.

Angela:           And I'm like, I wish I had the financial independence that I could just say, "Hey, I'm going to hire someone to clean. I'm going to hire someone to cook." But that's not my reality right now.

Jessica:            Right. So okay. There's two layers that you're just speaking to. One of them is you want him to take care of you. Are you talking about money? Are you talking about emotions? What are you talking about?

Angela:           All of the above, and not even like⁠—I would never want him to⁠—I want help. That's what I want to say.

Jessica:            You want help.

Angela:           I want help.

Jessica:            Yep. You're talking about keeping a house and finances?

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            You're not talking about emotional support for all the things you do, because it sounds like you kind of have that with him.

Angela:           I do.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. Great. So that brings me to the next question. We are moving around. What do you do for money?

Angela:           I'm a teacher.

Jessica:            Of kids or university?

Angela:           Yes. Yeah, kids.

Jessica:            It's such a full-time job that it's not like you can side-hustle your way out of this. It's like, if you didn't have your own kids, if you had no other pressures and you had a couple years to recover, then we can talk about side puzzles to complement this job. But this is an exceptionally full-time job of your energy and time. And do you like the job, money aside?

Angela:           I did for a while, and right now, I absolutely hate it.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           Like, I hate, hate it.

Jessica:            Have you ever considered being a teacher of teachers?

Angela:           You know, I don't even⁠—

Jessica:            You want out?

Angela:           I want out.

Jessica:            Okay.

Angela:           The whole system of it is just horrendous, quite honestly.

Jessica:            Absolutely. You just went through a very long transit of Saturn squaring your natal Jupiter at 0 degrees and 44 minutes of Gemini and your natal Midheaven of 0 degrees and 48 minutes of Gemini. I mean, you have the chart of a teacher, but that's not the only thing you can do or you should do. But it's not surprising that that's what you have been doing.

                        Saturn square to the Midheaven happens twice every 28 years. And when it happens, it tells you how you really fucking feel about your career. And now you know. And so you have seven years to make sure that in seven years, when Saturn sits on top of your Midheaven, that you are not in this career anymore or that you have changed enough around it to not be here because that'll be really rough on you.

                        Again, so it's either changing your attitude and perspective or changing your material reality. That's generally the move. But the misery you're feeling is meant to point you in another direction one way or another. Do you have any ideas about what you would want to do professionally?

Angela:           It's so weird. My dream was always to be a librarian. And I'm like, "That is not a very lucrative job."

Jessica:            It's not a capitalistic dream. We'll say that. Yeah.

Angela:           Right. And I'm not a capitalistic person. I literally work to take care of myself and my family. That's my thing. And the only other thing that I did enjoy was being⁠—I did study psychology, wanting to become a therapist. But I realized when it came to the clinical part, I didn't think I could deal with other people's stuff because I'm so sensitive.

Jessica:            Let me jump in on that. Let me jump in on that because I think you'd make a fantastic therapist. And I agree that you don't have, organically, the skills to have interpersonal boundaries. But that's what going to school to become a therapist is supposed to teach you. It doesn't always, as we know from the reality of therapists.

Think of it this way. There's a really big difference between parenting your children and taking care of kids and teaching them. There's radically different boundaries because your role is so clearly defined as different⁠—also because you have the kids for as many hours a day as you have your students. It's not the same as your children, right?

Angela:           Oh, absolutely.

Jessica:            And the same is true with clients. It's like you can have a particularly taxing client, and then they leave, and you talk to a colleague or a mentor about that person. It's not that it's not a relationship, and it's not that it doesn't affect you. But it's certainly not like in your personal life, where you're pulling this theory from. I'm not saying go to school to become a therapist, because, I mean, that's just debt, so much debt. I mean, I don't know that it makes any sense to do that.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            But I do want to say you would make a great therapist, even though that's a skill you desperately need and don't yet have. So not to throw that away, because the reason why you'd make a good therapist is because, against your better judgment, you like taking care of people. You do. You do.

Angela:           It's true. I love it.

Jessica:            And you like coaching people. You like helping people know what right and wrong is.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            Right? So therapist, coach, teacher⁠—there's a lot of different roles that exist. The other thing that I would just say⁠—even though I feel like an asshole for encouraging you to be a therapist because of the level of education you need and time and money and all this shit⁠—is that it allows you to be self-employed. So you could work from home and do Zoom meetings instead of renting an office if you want to. I don't know if that's actually legally true, but some version of that, right?

Angela:      Right.

Jessica:            There's increasingly ways of doing it that are more unconventional and would allow for more freedom in your lifestyle, and I think that could really work for you. Also, you have Saturn in the twelfth, so you could also get a job at, like, a Kaiser. I don't know what you guys have in the coast that you're in, but a big company that would just pay you well, and then you go home⁠—and pros and cons of all of that.

But I do want to say my concern about librarian is it's a lot more education, very little more money, and it's going to put you in the same milieu that you're currently in, which is comfortable, but you don't like it anymore. It's like you've done it enough.

In honor of Valentine's Day and Black History Month, February is Black Love Month on Ghost of a Podcast. If you're Black and you've got questions about love of any kind⁠—I'm talking self-love, romantic, love for your job, family, the place you live, whatever it may be⁠—then send me your question through the contact form over at Ghost of a Podcast today. The midweek episodes all month long will feature selected Black love questions. Just make sure to use the hashtag #BlackLove in your question.

5 Calls is a super effective and easy way for U.S. constituents to make a political impact. Whether you want to call for a cease-fire in Israel and occupied Palestine, to oppose anti-Trans legislation in your state, or to codify abortion rights, 5 Calls makes it easy. They research the issues, write scripts that clearly articulate a progressive position, and figure out the most influential decision-makers, then collect phone numbers for their offices. All you have to do is call. Download the app or visit 5calls.org.

School boards and lawmakers around the country are banning and challenging books at a pace not seen since the 1980s. The American Library Association tracked 729 challenges to library, school, and university materials and services in 2021. And librarians have even been threatened with criminal charges and jail time in some places in this country for lending out challenged books. You can contact your representatives about this issue by emailing, calling, or tweeting at them. And above all else, buy banned and challenged books. Support the important work of authors who are being banned or challenged, and in the process, support independent bookstores. My favorite bookstore, Marcus Books, is the oldest independent Black-owned bookstore in the country and has a banned and challenged book list on their website. You can go to marcusbooks.com to see this list and to shop, or visit whatever independent bookstore that you love. Support banned and challenged books and authors today.

Families in Gaza are in need of your urgent support. Israeli warplanes are bombing Gaza right now, causing death, injury, and trauma. The organization MECA has staff and local partners in Gaza on the ground and ready to respond to the most urgent needs of children and families. Please give now to provide medical aid, clean water, food, psychological support, and more. Give what you can at mecaforpeace.org. That's M-E-C-A, F-O-R, P-E-A-C-E .org.

Jessica:      Say your full name out loud.

Angela:      [redacted]

Jessica:      Is that your mom's maiden name, your last name? Or is that your dad's last name?

Angela:      [redacted] is my dad. [redacted] is my mom.

Jessica:      Okay. Great. What does he do?

Angela:      He's retired. He was an electrician.

Jessica:      What did his parents do?

Angela:      My dad does not talk about his parents. He doesn't talk about his family, period.

Jessica:      Fascinating. Okay. Okay.

Angela:      Yeah.

Jessica:            This is a kind of left-field question, but have you ever thought about being a minister of sorts?

Angela:           So I was obsessed with religion when I was younger.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           I went to Catholic school my whole life. I'm not a fan of Catholicism, but I was obsessed with learning about all the different religions.

Jessica:            Yeah, theology.

Angela:           And I wanted to be a nun.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           Yeah, when I was younger. Yeah, I wanted to be a nun.

Jessica:            I don't know enough about religion in general, but I do know that there are many different ways to study religion and then minister to people and to provide for people. And again, it's a real get-rich-quick scheme, of course. I know it's like I'm not being helpful at all. But I do see that you would really love it and grow into it. So that might be like a Unitarian minister as opposed to a Catholic one or something, something that's a little bit more open. That's really annoying of me. I'm giving you really annoying ideas.

But I think that⁠—let me go back to your chart. You've got the Sun/Pluto conjunction in your second house, right? And so that says a lot of things. It says the money that was given to you was given to you with a lot of strings attached. It says you have really intense feelings about money and that you work incredibly hard to get it, and then once you get it, you have a hard time letting go, but it goes kind of quick.

Angela:      That is my struggle.

Jessica:            It is your struggle. It is your struggle. You've got Pisces on the eighth-house cusp. And so saving⁠—not your forte.

Angela:           No.

Jessica:            And it's not about reckless spending for you. That's not what it is. It's like you get this number in your savings account where you're like, "Ah, I can breathe." And then an unexpected expense happens like fucking clockwork.

Angela:           Oh. Oh my goodness. Yes. Yes. And I'm like, "Am I cursed?" And my daughters will⁠—my middle is a girl, and she's just like, "Does the Universe like you? As soon as you get okay, it's just like, 'boop.'"

Jessica:            Boom.

Angela:           "Let's take all of your money away." Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. So listen. I'm going to tell you something, and I don't know that it's going to work. It's just a fucking theory, and you can play with it. You have a relationship to money that was passed down to you through your mom that money is a validation of your worth. And if you're good, you get it and you get to keep it. And if you're bad, you never get to keep it, even if you get it.

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry. Pulling back, I want to say it's not your fucking fault. Capitalism, right? It's not your fault. You are a teacher. It's not like you're making tech billions and then you're losing all your money every once in a while. That is not your thing. This is not about fault. There's so much that is completely out of your control in the system that we live in, and I want to acknowledge that, because that is 100 percent real. And I'm going to "and also" it.

                        And also, if we're fucking with woo and we are reading the birth chart and we're taking a woo approach to money, the move I would have you make is to practice building up a belief system about money, that it is not a reflection of value. I'm not going to encourage you to try to disprove that theory to yourself, because if you could do that, it would have been done by now. I'm just going to encourage you to build up another theory alongside the one that you already have and to put effort and energy and consistency and habit into it so that it gets a little taller than your current existing view. And that may attract more resources.

                        Now, the thing about Pluto in the second house is it either means you have a ton of money or you lose a ton of money. I mean, it's just Pluto, fucking Pluto. We know it's drama. And I do not believe that belief systems alone can change the systems we live in. Again, I want to emphatically state that. First of all, does that make sense, what I'm saying?

Angela:           Oh, 100 percent. And that's a thing that I've been telling myself, that I know I have to change my relationship with money.

Jessica:            Yeah. And that brings me to something else, which is your mom and money. Does she give you money monthly?

Angela:           No. So what normally happens is my mom loves to shop. So what she'll do is she'll buy things for my son. She'll buy things for my other child. Or she'll just send random food in the mail. If I ask, yes, she'll give it to me and I'll say whether I can pay it back or not. I always try to pay her back. This has been an exceedingly tough year, so it was like, "When tax season comes, I'll be able to pay you [indiscernible 00:39:10] back." But⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. Saturn's been in Pisces. You've been dealing with really hard Saturn transits. So, whenever we go through Saturn transits⁠—Saturn is about constriction. So our resources dry up. It's been reflecting to you that you really don't like the constriction, that you want more fluidity in your life, right? And that's what it's meant to do.

                        Now, that said, I'm going to tell you this. Your mom likes to make you feel bad because it keeps you coming back. Somehow, that's the damn dynamic.

Angela:           Oh, 110 percent. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. She actually likes it that you need her because with your personality and your relationship, if you didn't need her money, you would not come around at all. And everybody knows it. Maybe you know it the least because you feel bad about this. But she knows it. And to that, I'm going to say your mother trying to make you feel bad about the money you take from her⁠—don't believe it. Let her say it because it makes her feel like a big man on campus, like she's not paying for your affection.

                        But the two of you have a dynamic. And the truth of the matter is she can give you the money. It is not hurting her in any way to give you this money or to buy you or your kids stuff. Am I seeing that right?

Angela:           Yeah. That's true.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It's not hurting her at all. The money is the least she can fucking give you. You're a parent. You know what a parent can and should do for their child, and she was not able or willing, to be fair, to do a lot of things for you when you needed her as a kid. So that she can give you money now⁠—okay. It's not going to change the past. It's not going to undo trauma. But I want to encourage you to receive the gift of it, and when she complains about it, be like, "Oh, this is her dealing with her pride. This is her trying to control me and keep me small so I keep on needing this money so she doesn't lose me altogether."

And then don't feel bad for her. You can have empathy for her soul. There's a habit that you have of recognizing her loneliness and her lack of a center.

Angela:      Yeah.

Jessica:            And then you feel bad for her, and then you do your old childhood pattern where you make yourself small, independent, and needy with her, even though you're huge. You're big. And yes, you have needs, but you're not needy.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            And receiving gifts from a parent⁠—it's a blessing. I mean, she's making sure that it's not an easy blessing or a fun blessing, but it is a blessing. I mean, you're helping your child who has schizophrenia. And supporting them is challenging and difficult, but it's also a blessing to be able to do it, eh?

Angela:      Oh, absolutely.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, would you have it any other way? And I'm guessing that you don't put price tags on it when you do it.

Angela:      Oh, never.

Jessica:            Right. Never. So recognizing that your mom cannot give you much because she is limited. She is not limited because of who you are. She's limited because of who she is. Make that a mantra. I'm adding mantras to your list.

Angela:           Yes. That's an amazing one.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's a really important one. It's not like she's generous and fluid and healthy with other people. She does her best with you, and her best is not good. But it is her best. And if you can start having the boundary of giving yourself permission to say, "This is her past. It's not great, but I will take the gift of it and reject the insult in it I am allowed to receive. I deserve to receive. And this is a gift. I'm going to take the gift part."

                        So it may be finding some sort of a mantra when she sends a gift or when she sends cash of being like, "I'm going to receive this gift and, in return, have it affect you as you have given me a gift, Mom." Again, you gotta make it cuter-sounding because otherwise it won't work. But something to that effect may help you to hold on to the resources and build them, because now, it's just like, "Ew." You want to get rid of it as soon as possible. It feels bad.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            Here's the thing. You named self-love. When I look at you energetically and astrologically, it's more self-worth than self-love, isn't it?

Angela:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's just very, very clear how your mom and your dad contributed to this or shaped this. But because you did have a child so young, you haven't had that thing that a lot of people have in their 20s where they individuate and they fuck off and they experiment with different ways of being, because you've had to be a responsible adult literally since you were born.

                        Within that, I do actually see a lot of self-love and the self-worth and also the experimentation with what that looks like or feels like or means⁠—that's where I'm seeing more struggle. I have a weird question for you. Are you getting sleepy?

Angela:           I am, actually.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Angela:           My dog is next to me, and I'm petting her, and it calms me.

Jessica:            Oh. It's soothing you both. I see. I see. I see.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            From what I'm seeing psychically is you're also getting sleepy because we're getting into some of your trauma that you're ready to heal but not ready to heal. Let me explain what I mean. Growing into the person that you want to be will cost you relationships, beliefs. It'll cost you the person you are now. And that's what you're resisting, and that's why you're getting sleepy right now, because we're talking about a lot of things⁠—like in this reading, we're not talking about one thing; we're talking about all the fucking things.

                        And what I'm seeing as we're talking about it is how much work you have already done, but you've brought yourself to the edge, the edge of this neighborhood, we'll call it, of your consciousness. And you know this neighborhood really well. And there's tons of parts of the neighborhood you want to avoid all the time. There's tons of parts of this neighborhood that are fine, and you keep on returning to them. But you know that there's another neighborhood on the edge of this neighborhood, but you don't exactly know what's there. You just know that it's really, really different.

                        And you have choice to make here. If you really change and you step into greater self-worth, you may not want to date this man anymore. It's possible. You may shift some of your friendships in a way that would be really scary for you. And you fear you may not love your mother anymore. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Angela:           This last episode with her closed off a part of me to her. That was really scary because I could always find a way to⁠—I don't want to say dismiss it, but try to see it from her point of view and understand that she's a hurt person, and she can't do anything more than what she does. But this last time, I feel so cold towards her, so very matter of fact, so⁠—there's no connection.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry.

Angela:           Yeah. It's⁠—yeah. It's  very scary.

Jessica:            It is. And also, having empathy for how someone else is hurt does not mean you give them the same amount of access to you as you would if they weren't actively trying to hurt you. And your mom actively tries to hurt you because when she hurts you, you're back at fucking eight years old, locking horns with her, and she knows you there. She's got you there.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And when you get into that state where you're 8 years old, 12 years old⁠—little. When you're little with her, it feels like love to both of you. I mean, you're miserable. It's your fucking nightmare. But it's also so familiar. It's family. It's home. And this feeling that you're describing is an overcompensated boundary. It's so cold that you can't even access your own emotions. That's because a pendulum doesn't swing from far right to center; it swings from far right to far left before it hits center, right?

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            So I want to encourage you to be interested in this space of coldness because you're actually not cold. You were cold towards her because you're like, "Fuck all of this." That's good. Yes. Fuck all of this, all of this. And I don't think you have to throw out the relationship with your mom. You can. I'm a huge fan of not talking to parents when it doesn't work. But I actually don't know that that's what you want to do. And because she's financially supportive, maybe it doesn't make sense to do.

                        You get to, as soon as she starts talking and talking and talking and talking and talking about herself in that narcissistic way, or as soon as she's activated in her bipolar disorder and acting out against you, you get to every single time say, "Somebody's knocking at my door. I'm so sorry. I gotta go." You don't have to be subtle. Your mom's not going to notice, not when she's activated in her mental illness. She's not going to notice. And you're constantly treating her like she will notice everything.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            You're treating her as though she doesn't have mental illness because that Pisces Moon is so devotional. You're like, "I'm going to treat you like the woman I wish you were."

Angela:           Yes. Oh my gosh.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And the thing is that doesn't turn her into the woman you want her to be. She is who she is. And so, if every single time she rants on about something, you have somebody ring the doorbell⁠—"Oops. I gotta go"⁠—she will eventually⁠—it will take months and months, but it won't take years. She'll stop doing it because she doesn't want you to get off the phone. The two of you have a relationship. You're reinforcing each other's habits. It's like⁠—I don't mean this in a disrespectful way. I know people think dogs are bad, but when you feed a dog off the table once, they're going to forever be like, "I know that if I'm cute enough, there's food that's going to come to me."

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            And the same thing is happening in all of our interpersonal relationships with humans. If your mom knows that she can rant and rant and rant and get more and more and more of your attention and energy, even if it's bad energy, why would she stop? She's getting everything she needs. And what you can do is, when you are hanging up on her⁠—"Oops. Somebody's here. I gotta go. Oh, it's my boss at school. I gotta hang up. Sorry. Bye."

And if she keeps on talking⁠—click⁠—you hang up. It if she keeps on calling, you just don't pick up. And the whole time, you can say to her, "I love your soul, but I also love my peace. I'm going to love your soul, and I'm going to love my peace at the same time." That's where you're going. That's where you're going. And yeah. I think you're going to get there, to be honest. I do think you're going to get there.

It's going to feel lonely and scary for a period of time, and then it's going to open up all this fucking room in your life. You know Harry Potter? Did you ever see those movies or read the books or anything?

Angela:      Oh yes. I love it.

Jessica:      Okay. She's a terrible fucking TERF. We don't like the lady.

Angela:      Horrible person.

Jessica:      We hate her. Okay. But you know the invisibility cloak?

Angela:      Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So it's like when I look at you energetically, it's like 60 percent of your body has the invisibility cloak over it. But the invisibility cloak is your mom's energy completely obliterating your own. It's fucking exhausting.

Angela:           Exhausting because she's always there.

Jessica:            Always there, always wanting more, always consuming your energy, consuming your energy. And some of that is your mom, and some of that is your coping mechanism. If you stop taking care of her, will she be completely alone and no one will take care of her? Maybe. You have to tolerate that. And the truth this, if shit got really bad, would you break your own boundaries and show up for her? Probably. You gotta deal with that, too.

                        But the truth is, when she is abusive towards you in a passive or aggressive way, my advice to you 100 percent of the time is to find a way to not engage with the content of what she's saying. Never engage with the content of what she's saying because it's her story. And as soon as you buy into the story, you're locked in. Best of luck not being an eight-year-old in a power struggle with your mom.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            So it's important that you always remember, "My mom has mental illness, not because of me, not at me. This is who she is. And I do not need to engage with this. She's unmedicated. She's not taking responsibility. She cannot right now. So I get to get off the phone. I'll talk to her tomorrow if she can change the topic, if she can change the tone. And if she can't, I will not talk to her tomorrow."

You get to give yourself permission to do that, and not forever. Don't think about forever. You'll freak yourself out, and you won't do anything. It's about today. Just practice it. And if you practice it sometimes and not others, see how it does or doesn't work for you.

The truth of the matter is you don't deserve less love than your mom. You don't deserve less patience than your mom. And you are giving yourself less love, and you are giving yourself less patience than you're giving her. And⁠—48? 47? 48? How old are you now?

Angela:      47.

Jessica:      47. Yeah, that's a lot of⁠—

Angela:      I never remember my own⁠—

Jessica:      I know. It's like, after 42, I feel like it's just who's guess.

Angela:      [crosstalk]

Jessica:            It's up there. Yeah. I think that's a lot of years to have given her a chance to show up and appreciate what you're doing. So none of this is punitive to your mom. I think this is very important for you to understand and to keep in your heart. This is not punitive. This is not like anything other than you've tried this approach for a long, long time. I mean, no one could have given it more of a try than you. Now you're going to try a different way.

                        And again, I don't mean this in any kind of a disrespectful way, but we talk about with dogs, how you put them in a small room or a cage, and it makes them feel safer because they know the boundaries of what they're supposed to protect. Humans are very similar. When we know what we can get away with in a relationship, it's very valuable, actually. And I'm not saying it won't spark some drama in the transition. But eventually, if your mother comes to understand that the second she starts yelling at you or criticizing you, you mysteriously have to get off the phone, eventually she will want your attention so much that she won't do it.

And I'm not talking about all the time. You're not going to change her mental illness. You're not going to change her personality. But you can change your part of the dynamic, and it will give you so much more peace. And also, it'll spark fights that are terrible, but at least it'll be new fights.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            I mean, you do deserve that. But I want to double down on advice I gave you at the beginning of this reading, which is find books about being a child of a narcissist because I think that has fucked you up more than being a child of somebody with bipolar disorder, which is kind of a bold statement. But I think that's true because her mania⁠—it's kind of so much more obvious, but it's that constantly shoving you down and making you small. That's what's really fucked you up is what I'm seeing, or at least that's where you're at. You're finally ready to deal with that.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Now, I know I've said a lot of things, but I want to just pause and see, do you have any questions? Is there anything that you wanted me to make sense of or that I didn't get to?

Angela:           No. I think this is so ridiculously helpful because she is the thing that I feel has been holding me back from a lot. It's true. I am scared of what's on the other side, but this is like giving me the tools to kind of get where I need to be.

Jessica:            For whatever it's worth, the visual that I'm getting⁠—because I see this metaphor; it came to me psychically⁠—is this other neighborhood has got a lot more brightness and light to it. It's going to be easier not making the change. Making a change is never easier than staying stuck in your old pattern. But knowing that you can love your mother and not eat her shit is only going to improve your life, like really, really improve your life. And it might make you a little less patient with the boyfriend, but that's okay. You know what I mean? He's not the only man that's out there.

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            I can assure you of that. I just want to add one more word about men for you, which is I don't think there's inherently something wrong with you dating a guy who has shit, has trauma, and kind of disappears sometimes. I do think there is something inherently wrong with somebody who is a grown-up adult who can't verbally express, "I'm in my shit right now, and so I can't really respond to texts. It might be a few days." It's the kind of selfishness that comes from trauma and not cruelty, and that's where it gets in your blind spot.

Angela:           Yeah, because I can understand where he's coming from.

Jessica:            Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Of course, you do. Of course, you do. Yeah. You're really good at understanding where other people are coming from. That doesn't make it okay. So developing a practice where you can understand where people are coming from without abandoning yourself to their trauma response⁠—that's the direction so that, yeah, you can always have your trauma, and you can date other people with trauma, because who else are we dating, realistically? Right? I mean realistically.

                        But somebody who has coping skills that make them more relationally responsible is the key. You have those. You're a mess. You got all kinds of trauma. But you know how to say, "I am in a state right now, and I'm feeling needy, and I need extra attention." You don't know how to fix how you feel, but you do know how to identify it so that you're not dumping it on other people.

Angela:           Yes. Very true.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so you do deserve that. I'm not saying burn down the whole man. Again, he's good in lots of ways for at this time. There are human males out there that have that skill set. And maybe one day, you will meet and want to have sex with one. And then who knows what will happen? And then we can cross that bridge.

But I do want to add to this that the Venus/Saturn square⁠—I'm sure you've read online it's like a late bloomer situation. So it tends to give you love later in life, and you are later in life. So, whether or not this young man works for the long, long term, I don't think he's your only or last chance for love. And I hope you don't tell yourself that, because I think you probably do, but you shouldn't is what I want to say.

Angela:      I do do that. Yeah. I tend to do that.

Jessica:      Yeah. But you've been doing that since you were like 20, right?

Angela:      Yeah. And then the Universe is like, "Really?"

Jessica:            Yeah. Exactly. Getting men is not your problem. Getting the right man is your problem.

Angela:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So, right now, he's really good for now. He's good for now. And there's nothing wrong with getting present, staying present, and focusing on other bigger problems and enjoying what you got. That is how I see that. Don't move him into your house, you know?

Angela:           Right.

Jessica:            That's the one kind of critical move there. But I don't know who you're going to be when you pull more and more of that⁠—what we're calling an invisibility cloak⁠—off of you. I don't know who you're going to be. Bigger, brighter, more resilient, that's for sure. And whether or not you stay with teaching, I do want to just acknowledge that the sparkle you got when I mentioned being a minister is worth exploring. Taking workshops or classes about religion⁠—it might open doors for you that may or may not have to do with career.

                        I mean, you're really interested in community-building. You're really good at it. And there are so many different ways that might play out in your life, and it may expand your life and your social life and what you do with your time and your energy, maybe a career shift. I don't know. It might be a happy 15 minutes, and then you move on with your life. But it's worth exploring it is what I would say.

Angela:           Sounds awesome.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So I think we did it, eh? Is that your reading?

Angela:           Yes. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much.

Jessica:            It is my pleasure.