Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            Lorelai, welcome to the podcast.

Lorelai:           Thank you.

Jessica:            What would you like a reading about?

Lorelai:           Yes. Let me read my question. "Hi, Jessica. First off, so excited to be writing to you. You have been the biggest Queer leader and guide in my life these past few years, and I am forever grateful for it, and I thank you. So my question for writing to you is this: I started my transition journey six years ago, and since then, it's been a rocky terrain of rediscovering my Queer identity in a world that now perceives me as male and straight. My sexuality is of high importance to me, and yet was something I never got to explore as a Queer female. And now, as a Trans man, it's just become paralyzing.

                        "In the realm of partnered sex, I can't seem to escape disconnection and dysphoria. And while I can probably easily face this head-on by pure experimentation, I simply don't feel wired to enjoy that kind of casual connection. I just feel blocked from exploring physical connection, which as a Queer Trans person is almost demoralizing, as I hope to embody and be an example of body acceptance and sexual liberation.

                        "And for God's sakes, I'm a Scorpio. Would appreciate any insight that my chart has for bringing light to this form of disconnection and how to try navigating having a full and thriving sex life as a little, repressed Queer. Thanks for all you do."

Jessica:            Great question. There's a lot of things I want to ask you about this. But first, what are your pronouns?

Lorelai:           He/him.

Jessica:            He/him. Great. It's not really that relevant because I'm not going to pronoun you in this conversation, but I just⁠—because of the way you framed the question, I just wanted to check. And when you date or hook up, is there a particular gender that you like? Because you mentioned being perceived as a straight man. Do you only like girls?

Lorelai:           So yeah. And this is something I've obviously been spending a lot of time, kind of, because before I transitioned, it was very much hardcore only date people presenting as female. And now, as a Trans man, I've really had to reanalyze that for myself. Was I limiting myself? And so I wanted to open up that door of experimentation and seeing if that was something I did want to explore. And I actually did, and now I feel like I'm pretty confident with saying that I do feel more like I would only want to hook up with people that are she/her presenting.

Jessica:            So there are so many parts to this.

Lorelai:           Ugh.

Jessica:            No, no, no. It's good. It's good. I kind of want to start in a weird place, not the place I thought I was going to, but I'm going to start here.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            Let's first share your birth information; then I will dive in. Okay. You were born October 28th, 1993, in Montebello, California, at 5:15 a.m.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            In your birth chart, you have a Scorpio stellium, but you have Saturn in the fifth house. So okay. This pressure you're placing on yourself to experiment and be slutty and⁠—I feel like there's so much pressure in Queer community to be sexually ambitious and exploring all the things with all the people. And there's this idea of sex positivity and body positivity with having the ability to be casual. I feel like that kind of gets smooshed together.

                        And, my dear, that is not you. Saturn in the fifth house is not casual. I mean, there's nothing in your chart that says you actively enjoy casual hookups or that you're cavalier about your sexual experiences. I would say whatever the opposite of cavalier is would be you.

Lorelai:           Yeah. That really does kind of resonate for me, like what you just kind of said about expanding on⁠—there is that kind of thing in the air in the Queer community about it. I guess, for me, it's maybe in a way⁠—because I do feel like Trans sexuality is not as talked about, in a way, specifically. I think there's a lot of Gay sex, lesbian sex, and I feel like there's kind of⁠—in the diaspora of Trans sex, I feel like there's not a lot of community in that. And so I guess, in a way, I guess I am putting the somewhat burden on myself of exploring that in the sake of trying to⁠—I don't know. I don't know.

Jessica:            I mean, it sounds like, in some ways, it's for the sake of trying to understand yourself and to find some measure of ease in your exploration.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            But I will say you have Saturn in the fifth house, which is not known for ease in creative exploration. So, when you have a clear goal, you're good at it. So I'm guessing another fifth-house topic is art and creativity. When you're like, "I want to find the perfect vest to go with these pants," that is a creative journey you can embark upon because it's clear. You know what it is. And so your creativity can function because there's structure for it to function within. Does that make sense?

Lorelai:           Yeah. It actually does. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. You're good at that. You're good at working within something. So, as⁠—I don't know if you're an artist or a creative person at all, but if you are, you're probably really good at reworking existing things.

Lorelai:           Actually, yes. I do think that what I do is, in a way, artistry. I'm a hairdresser.

Jessica:            Yes. That would be⁠—I would say that's creative.

Lorelai:           Yes. I do think it's creative. And there's always that part in me that's like, outside of even that, I do want to exist, just in my daily life, as an artist. Do I really do that in my daily life? No, and I think that's because of other things that kind of hinder my daily life, which I'm not able to do that. But I do⁠—yeah. I definitely do resonate with being artistic overall.

Jessica:            Yeah. And because of Saturn being in the fifth⁠—let's even just focus on being a hairstylist, right? So, when you're a hairstylist, somebody comes in. They already have the hair, and they already have all their shit around what they want to look like or what they want their hair to look like. And so you're working within their existing labyrinth container. And that's your happy place. You're good at that. You're good at finding a spark of creativity with structure.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            When there's no structure, Saturn does what Saturn does. It makes you self-conscious, hyper-analytic, rigid, controlling, self-protective, all that kind of a thing. And then Saturn squares, in your birth chart, your Mars/Mercury/Pluto conjunction in Scorpio. There's a lot to say about that, but I want to say having a Saturn square⁠—we'll just focus on Mars for a moment⁠—to Mars makes sexual exploration sticky, is maybe the way I'll put it. It makes it hard, not hard in a fun way, although it can be. And we'll talk about the fun parts in a minute.

                        But I first want to identify and validate that Saturn square to Mars can make it feel hard to be in your body, just period⁠—

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            ⁠—which I feel like tracks for the Trans experience for a lot of people, in particular in the journey towards embodiment, right? In the journey towards⁠—

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—getting aligned. And when we have a Saturn/Mars square, what it can often feel like is it's so hard to just relax in your body that relaxing in your body around someone else means you have to have so much trust.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            So, if you're going to relax around somebody enough to trust them with your vulnerable feelings, well, then you're spending a lot of time with them, and it's emotionally intimate time. And that emotional intimacy can be purely sexual if you can work that out, but realistically, that's probably going to either happen around the cultivation of a full-bodied intimacy, which is dating⁠—let's just call it less spiritual terms. It's dating.

Lorelai:           Right. Yeah.

Jessica:            Or serious kink where you're just in an exclusively sexual dynamic, and there is consent and intentionality around kink being the point.

Lorelai:           Right.

Jessica:            And that can work for you because you've got a lot of things in your chart that could point to that really working for you, which we can talk about more in a minute.

Lorelai:           Okay. Interesting.

Jessica:            But I will say this. You've got a Libra Rising, and you've got Venus conjunct your Rising. And you've got the Moon opposite your Ascendant and Venus, which means your Moon is conjunct your Descendant. You don't just want kink for kink's sake. You want romance. You want connection. You want intimacy. You want to be able to hold hands and share ice cream cones. I mean, maybe it's not that way because you're a Scorpio, but you see what I'm saying.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            You want to date into partnership. Does that feel right?

Lorelai:           It does. I can think of little things⁠—and I think part of it is maybe me, and then I wonder if it's just social conditioning as a kid and watching all the Disney films and the stuff that they feed you as a kid, and you kind of perceive that as, "Oh, this is what love looks like." But I do think that there is always that kind of yearning for some semblance of physical evidence of connection in some way.

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, also, Venus/Moon opposition is a natal placement that⁠—people who have it often feel like, "I need proof. You need to constantly show me that you like me. You have to show me you like me. Show me you like me." So Moon/Venus opposition or square in the birth chart will often mean that you struggle with an overreliance on compliments or positive reinforcement because Venus really wants it, and the Moon really wants it.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And it's hard to be vulnerable and intimate without getting Venus and/or the Moon satiated, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And so we're now talking about emotional intimacy. We're talking about connection, relationship, and this meaningful part of you that craves being wanted, being chosen, being special to someone.

Lorelai:           Yeah, and I think⁠—and this is something that I've been actually starting to talk to my therapist about, is really just kind of⁠—it seeps into dismantling shame for me. It seeps into dismantling self-worth. And that all kind of has just⁠—it's like all this yarn ball, and being Trans is all wrapped up in it. And so it is really hard because there is part of me that really wants that connection and that happy, liberating sex life. But there is also these parts that I feel like kind of get in the way of that. And I just have a hard time finding what is directly affecting what.

Jessica:            Let me ask you a question. Do you want to be in a relationship?

Lorelai:           I do.

Jessica:            Okay. That's great. I know it sounds a little complicated, but we'll just leave it there for this moment.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And are you dating anyone?

Lorelai:           No, I'm not.

Jessica:            Do you date?

Lorelai:           No. And then, kind of going back to my question, it really is⁠—I've actually only ever been in one relationship my entire life. I waited to be in a relationship till I was around 25⁠—not saying that that's too young or too old or anything like that. Before that, I wanted to date, for sure. But again, I think this ties into just fear, and then when my relationship ended, that completely dismantled and kind of reaffirmed a lot of those fears for me.

And it's been three years since the end of that relationship, and now this is why I think I'm really trying to ask myself these questions. I'm really trying to get to the bottom of this because I do want to believe that I can have that emotional connection with someone. But⁠—

Jessica:            Let me affirm a couple things here. First, Saturn square to Mars is a late bloomer around sexuality, period.

Lorelai:           That makes so much sense.

Jessica:            Yeah. Period. It is what it is. You overthink it. And what is overthinking it? But just let's assume that you understand what I mean when you say that⁠—

Lorelai:           Yeah. I do.

Jessica:            ⁠—because you do have Saturn square to Mercury. You overthink everything. Intimacy⁠—people talk about Scorpio, and you do have, like I said, a Scorpio stellium. You've got four planets in Scorpio. Scorpio people are always like, "Sex, sex, sex." Okay. Yeah. Sure. But it's intensity, depth, rumination, emotionality.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Scorpio is the undertow of the ocean. The ocean, I will remind you, is the place that is most of the Earth but the least that we actually understand about the Earth. It's Scorpio. You are so emotionally intense. Your depths go so deep. And because you have a Libra Rising with Venus conjunct and your Moon opposition, you don't like to lead with that. You think leading with that is too much.

                        And so you don't always bring your true self to people, and when you do, it's so vulnerable that there is a way that you can kind of go into survival, self-protection mode and pull back right after you've actually shared something of yourself, even if it was well received. Does this track?

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. So there's a couple things within this. The first is I want you to really hear, yeah, zero percent of surprise that your first relationship was around 25. Zero percent of surprise. Again, a lot of people push themselves to do things that they're not comfortable with around sex and dating. You can't. You can't. You've got Saturn/Pluto stuff. Your flight-or-fight mechanisms go into flight. You freeze and you pull back. You don't push through around intimacy with other people.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's not bad, and it's not good. It's your survival mechanism, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So I want to encourage you to not characterize it as bad or good. It is a bit of a maladjusted coping mechanism that you have for very good reasons. We're not talking about your childhood right now, but you have for very good reasons. And as you are now very briefly post-Saturn Return, you're working it out. And this is exactly as it should be. It's on time.

                        Now, that said, the other part of what you just said of being scared that you just won't ever get into a relationship because you are holding yourself back or you do have insecurities, yeah, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. I mean, listen. It could. You have free will. You can use it in any way, as stupid or brilliant, as you enjoy. But that's very unlikely because you're actually working on it. As long as you don't work on it in a solely intellectual way but you also work on it in an emotional way, and then eventually a behavioral way, this is not going to be a problem.

I mean, you have the chart of a person who has a family. So that doesn't necessarily mean human children. In fact, Saturn in the fifth house often does not mean human children, but a partnership that is family where you're⁠—whether or not that means a traditional marriage setup, it's family. But it's a Queer-ass family. You've got Neptune/Uranus conjunction in Capricorn in the fourth house. So it's Queer. It's a little morphous. It's not traditional. But it's family.

Lorelai:           Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica:            That's what your chart speaks to. But let me slow down here because there are so many components to your question. And I'm right now, or so far, focusing on the component that's a little bit more in your head and not in your body. And I kind of want to shift into talking about body if you're comfortable with that.

Lorelai:           Yes. I'm comfortable.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. And so let me just make sure I'm seeing this right. Say your full name out loud.

Lorelai:           Yeah. [redacted].

Jessica:            Okay. I'm just going to be very direct. Are you interested in kink and play parties and all that kind of stuff that happens in the world? Is that of interest to you?

Lorelai:           I think it's intriguing. And I think it's something that I could put myself in that environment to just explore out of curiosity. I don't know for sure if that is for me. But I'm not like⁠—when I think about it, I'm like directly, "No. Not for me." You know? I think I could, but I would be a lot of exploring and being out of my comfort zone that⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            So let me reframe that question. Is it something that you think about and feels exciting to you?

Lorelai:           I guess it would depend on what is considered kinky. I do think there are things that⁠—yeah, that I think other people would consider kinky that I find kind of interesting or⁠—yeah, stuff that I would explore.

Jessica:            And the specific question I'm asking is about, essentially, play parties. And do you know what a play party is?

Lorelai:           Not really, no.

Jessica:            Okay. My fucking Gay ass⁠—I come from San Francisco in the '90s, and this is just like a classic⁠—

Lorelai:           I know. I'm like⁠—

Jessica:            Okay. So a play party⁠—

Lorelai:           I feel limited.

Jessica:            No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do not. I may be using antiquated language. I don't know.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            A play party is like⁠—historically, it's like BDSM kink where people literally go to a party, and it's literally only for that. People are there to watch or to participate. But there are other kinds of kink that people⁠—so, basically, when I reference a play party, I'm talking about something where it's not about dating. It's not about getting to know people. It's literally like everybody comes to, on some level or another, participate in a particular sexual⁠—again, I'm going to call it a kink.

                        So that's what I'm referencing. Is something like that something that is interesting, exciting, sounds hot to you or not?

Lorelai:           It's weird because part of me says yes, and then part of me says no.

Jessica:            Like emphatically no?

Lorelai:           Yeah. It's weird. And there is that duality that I've struggled with, honestly, quite often in my life. And I don't know if that's just a religious conditioning that's shaming that part of myself or if it's really my truth that, no, you don't like that stuff because when you're there, you're uncomfortable and you want to leave.

Jessica:            So okay. I'm so glad we're having this conversation⁠—

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—because you're intellectualizing something that is actually felt. And so the answer is, "No, but maybe. No, but not 100 percent no," because if it was a yes, it would be, "Yes, and it scares me. Yes, and it intimidates me. Yes, and I'm not sure if I would like it in real life, but it is a yes in my head." But it's not that. It's, "No, but I'm open to that being different. No, but"⁠—to me, if we're going to intellectualize, if there's 100 percent and you've got a 70 percent no, 80 percent no, that's a fucking no. It's not, "No," lock the door, go upstairs, hide. It's just no for now. Right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            When we get to a 50/50, that's when I would encourage you to hold it the way you're holding this 80 percent now. You're taking an 80 percent no, and you're not listening to yourself emotionally. So you're then kind of getting in your head. Does this make sense, what I'm saying?

Lorelai:           It does, and I can see how it plays out in other aspects in my life, too, if I really thought about it.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes, because so much of what your⁠—not your question that you're asking me, but your core struggle is that you're not accepting yourself. You are trying to be someone else. You are trying to be some other, like, get up on the bar at some sort of Queer dance party, take off all your clothes, hook up with a bunch of people⁠—you are comparing yourself to this thing that exists that people are, and that is great and wonderful to be, but is not you.

                        I would say⁠—and the reason why I started off⁠—let me go back⁠—asking about the kink thing is because, look, the way your chart is written, casual sex is not written into it. You are not a "hook up and move on" kind of guy at all.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            It's not anywhere in your chart. Sometimes, I'm like, "Well, it's here, but it's not there, so a part of you wants it and a part of you doesn't." No. None of you wants it. None of you wants it. It's all theoretical to you. And so I want to just acknowledge that. And then there's this one little loophole. Saturn is a planet of control and rigidity, which either can make you actually quite prudish and kind of like, "I want to share my body with somebody who I build trust with, and I want that sharing to happen as we deepen our connection."

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            There's nothing wrong with that. That sounds healthy and lovely and romantic and cute and totally okay. And the other extreme of Saturn in the fifth or the eighth house can be fucking just playing with power and control. Just people's sexuality who have this placement can really love playing with power and control. But that's not better. That's not more Queer. That's not more body acceptance. That's not more sex acceptance.

                        Being kinky isn't more sex-positive than being super vanilla. I mean, I love vanilla. It's a delicious ice cream flavor, and let's not shit on vanilla. I think in Queer space, we often do, right? We often say wild is better. And there's lots of ways of experiencing wildness, and this idea of sex positivity has to encompass all kinds of sex and sexuality.

                        And I fear, for you, you're so busy trying to be something that you think you should be in order to be right with you that you're distancing yourself from yourself with these ideas and this comparative way of thinking.

Lorelai:           And I feel it. I guess it's something that I wasn't able to intellectualize until you've kind of started saying it. And it makes sense why I've kind of come back to this constant dysregulation around it, the topic to begin with. And no, it makes complete sense, I think, in a way. And almost, I feel like I end up shaming myself for it at the end of the day.

Jessica:            Yeah. Let's not move past that too quickly because you just named it exactly. You shame yourself for not being sexual enough, being too sexual, whatever it is, whatever it is in the moment. It's not really about what turns you on. It's not about how you have sex, who you have sex with, or how much sex you have. It's your self-regulative⁠—you shame yourself to keep yourself small, to hold yourself back. You shame yourself that you've been too small, that you've been too held back. It's really about this way that you know how to control your own big emotions: shame, blame, punishment. It's very effective.

Lorelai:           It is.

Jessica:            Yeah. Congratulations for being very effective⁠—I mean, at something absolutely fucking terrible, but still, it's good to know you've got skills.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Now, the thing about this is if you are going to move through this pattern, this habit, and allow yourself to experience less shame, less punishment, then you have to tolerate the feelings of guilt, shame, whatever else comes up around sex. And I mean, honestly, your chart is the chart of a person who wants to be partnered and monogamous and have really deep, really excellent sex sometimes and sometimes not have a lot of sex.

                        So this Saturn in the fifth house will often make it really hard to access your own body, your own creative energy⁠—and not for everyone, but the way your chart is written⁠—so that it's hard to relax enough into the body that you can share your body with someone else.

Lorelai:           Yes. I think that's honestly why that relationship ended. There was probably just the incompatibility of that, of the needs and the wants. But ultimately, I felt like it was because I was unable to reach that form of intimacy. Yeah, and it was hard. Eventually, it did become a very sexless relationship. So it was hard finding that balance.

Jessica:            For you, there's two things I would say to this. Well, I'm going to say three. One is she was not meant to be your forever partner, so stop beating yourself up that it didn't work. It didn't work because she was not your future. She was your present, and now she's your past. And whether or not you can recognize things you did wrong or ways you held yourself back and didn't show up in the relationship, it still wasn't meant to be that the two of you were still together, for whatever that's worth.

                        The other thing I want to say is, yeah, you've got Saturn in the fifth. Yeah, sometimes you're just not going to want to have sex. For you, you're just not going to want to have sex. Saturn is square to Pluto and two other planets in Scorpio. So, for you, it's almost like there's a light switch on; there's a light switch off. And you are down or it's not even in your fucking mind. It's not even in your mind.

Lorelai:           The truth.

Jessica:            And if somebody brings sex to the table, you're just like, "What? Sex? Now? On a Saturday? What?" It just doesn't even occur to you.

Lorelai:           That's true.

Jessica:            And that's going to be incompatible with some people and very compatible with others. You don't need to be on 24 hours a day. I can assure you there are a lot of women who would prefer you not be, because there's lots of people who have lots of different sexual paces and⁠—

Lorelai:           Dynamics and stuff.

Jessica:            ⁠—yeah, inner worlds. Exactly. You are not the only person with a Saturn in the fifth house. Now, you don't want to date yourself, because when we date ourselves, that's not it. But somebody who is comfortable with not having really constant sex is going to be important for you because it's not that you're ace. It does not look like you're ace. It's just that you're on or you're off.

Lorelai:           Yeah. Yeah. And I've wondered if I was ace because I've noticed this inconsistency in me, and I was like, "What is this?" I was trying to find what it was. Was it that shame? Was it the trauma of just being raised in purity culture? Honestly, that does validate so much of me that it really is just what it is. I am on or I'm off, and the patterns are inconsistent.

Jessica:            Yeah. They are. And there's no pro or con of ace. Ace is ace, but it's just not you.

Lorelai:           Yeah. Exactly.

Jessica:            It's just not you. And I think this is where you struggle, but I think every one of us struggles, is, okay, so there's the part where you were raised in purity culture, and it does dog you, and it is fucked up, and it is limiting, and it is something to unlearn and deconstruct. And also, your nature is you like monogamy. You are slow to build sexual intimacy.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            You are turned on or turned off just in general, not to your partner, but just in your body. If you're really stressed out about work, yeah, you're not going to want to fuck. That's just not you. And if you're with somebody and you feel like they're not paying attention to you or the intimacy is off, sex is off the table for you real quick.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that is something that is, on the one hand, your nature. It's just your nature. And on the other hand, it's something to work with because you can shut down in a way that your partner is like, "Wait. What the fuck? Why? Why?" And in your head, you're like, "You didn't check in on me after you knew I was going through something important." And they have no fucking idea what they didn't do.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            And so there can be a way that the valve shuts because you're being punishing to them or to yourself.

Lorelai:           Yeah. That tracks.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so this is where I want to encourage you to cultivate an and/also approach to your sexuality instead of an either/or, which is, I think⁠—what Saturn wants is either/or, good/bad. And what it really is is and/also. You were raised in purity culture, and it fucked you up. And also, you're naturally monogamous. You're naturally a⁠—take time to heat up.

                        And then, also, you have intimacy issues that are not exclusive to your childhood upbringing or whatever. I mean, you're a person. And then we have the added and meaningful complexity of being a Trans man navigating the world as a straight man and not being cis and how the things that you mentioned at the beginning of our conversation about how we don't talk about it enough⁠—and I think some of why we don't talk about it enough is because of how so many different Trans men experience their maleness in such radically different ways.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And I do think, a lot of times, white Trans men will kind of be at the foreground of that because there's a way of stepping into power going from being perceived as female to being recognized as male. And so I think, a lot of times, Trans guys will just kind of be like⁠—they take the win, and they keep on trucking. You know what I mean?

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            But talking about it in public fucks with that a little bit.

Lorelai:           Yes. Yeah. And that totally makes sense because I don't have a lot of Trans friends or people in my life, and so I kind of look to social media. And I follow influencers that are very much on the forefront and talking about their Trans experience and being very out and loud about that. And it does feel like their experiences are very different from mine. So it is still hard, kind of, finding resonation with that.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And I think some of it is the Trans experience is not monolithic, right?

Lorelai:           Right. Right.

Jessica:            It's so diverse and complex. And also, have you heard of⁠—it's a camp for Trans guys. Have you heard of this?

Lorelai:           No. Trans camp sounds really intriguing.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's called Camp Lost Boys. And it's worth looking into because it's a place to meet other Trans men to create community. And also, I don't think it's free, so I don't know how it does or doesn't work with you or whether or not you're really a group person, because your birth chart suggests you're more of a one-on-one.

Lorelai:           A little.

Jessica:            But it's worth looking into because, of course, any kind of influencer dynamic⁠—it gets complicated. It's complicated who has a lot of followers and why they have a lot of followers, and it gets complicated.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So cultivating real intimacy⁠—we're back to this core issue. You're a one-on-one person who really needs intimacy. So not having intimacy with other men⁠—it's not great for you. And when I mean men, I mean men of the Trans experience. It's not awesome for you. It is a valuable thing. Do you mind if I ask where you are in the country?

Lorelai:           Oh yeah. I live in [redacted].

Jessica:            Oh, there's Trans guys there. There's Trans community in [redacted].

Lorelai:           There is, and also, I feel like it's hard to find it. I know that it's out here, but I don't know the right outlets to find that I feel like suits me.

Jessica:            Real talk.

Lorelai:           I feel like a lot of the places that I would gravitate to is going to be mostly like⁠—femmes are going to be there. So I do feel like there is that disconnection. I wonder if I won't have a lot in common with my fellow Trans men.

Jessica:            I see what you're saying. Well, listen. Venus/Moon opposition⁠—yeah, you like things femmes like. Of course, you do. You get to be whatever fucking kind of person you are. And again, I come back to this kind of core issue that I think you're struggling with, which is do you get to be you? And listen. Maybe you at 30 will be a really different you at 33 and a really different you at 39 or whatever. But do you get to be you today, who you are today, whether it's trauma-informed or not, whether it's because you're shy or not? Whatever. Can you give yourself permission to be who you are, where you are today?

                        I believe if you were doing that, then⁠—I don't know⁠—maybe 60 percent of the feelings you have about your sexuality would ease and lift, and it would be so much easier to deal with your actual problems because you have issues that you struggle with, and then you also have shit you pile onto yourself. So, if you remove the shit pile that you have kind of given yourself, then it will be easier to deal with the things that you are struggling with.

Lorelai:           No, that's actually⁠—that very much resonates. And I feel like that's mainly the work that I'm doing right now.

Jessica:            Good.

Lorelai:           I feel like that's the only way that I'm going to feel any sense of liberation and less shame in how I navigate this world. And it's the hardest work.

Jessica:            It is.

Lorelai:           And I feel like I sometimes bring these things up, and I maybe hyperfixate on something like this when it's the bigger issue at hand; it's not the small issue of just the sexuality. It's not just the small issue of just this relationship. It really is just, at the point of it, accepting myself. And yet I feel like I've really made some terrain. I've gotten pretty far in it, but I do feel like I have so much more work to do in that than I thought I did.

Jessica:            I think it's both. You have made a lot of progress, and yeah, you've got a lot more fucking work to do. And also, I will say I am⁠—what, I don't know, like 30 years older than you. I still have work to do, and that's okay. In fact, it's weird and fun and part of life. You're not supposed to be⁠—I'm not 30 years older than you. How many years older⁠—

Lorelai:           I was like, "30 years older than me?"

Jessica:            20. I'm 20. I'm 20. I'm 20. I got confused. I got confused. Yeah. I mean, it's just like it's⁠—you know what I'm saying?

Lorelai:           Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            It's like you get to continue to grow and evolve. If I were queen of the world, what I would have you do is I would have you think about going on chaste dates, chaste dates where you set the intention that you don't make out. You don't hook up for the first three dates.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            You set that expectation, and you are clear about it with yourself. What does that make you feel when I say that?

Lorelai:           Well, honestly, the first thing that came up with me is, how am I even going on this date? Because I don't make a lot of actions to date, in a way, if that makes sense.

Jessica:            Oh, it does.

Lorelai:           But the idea of setting those rules are perfectly easy for me.

Jessica:            Great.

Lorelai:           I could easily do that.

Jessica:            Okay. So here's what I'm going to say. You have Venus conjunct the Ascendant with a Moon opposition. Girls like you. So, if you're not going out on dates, it's because you're being shy and weird around girls. Does that track?

Lorelai:           I'm so weird.

Jessica:            Yeah. You're just shy and weird. Shy and weird. You're authentically shy. So, again, another thing people don't talk about enough with Scorpio energies is it's introverted energy. So you are naturally shy. You sometimes are very uncomfortable with eye contact.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's like Scorpio Rising stuff, and you don't have a Scorpio Rising, but you've got Scorpio⁠—your Sun in Scorpio is in the first house. So the more you like someone, the less you want to look them in the eye. Yeah, shy and weird.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Here's a cool thing. Any femme you want to date⁠—and I'm assuming you're dating femmes.

Lorelai:           I would like to.

Jessica:            Yeah. And I say femmes meaning not straight girls.

Lorelai:           Even femme Nonbinary⁠—

Jessica:            Yes.

Lorelai:           I don't have this monolithic idea of people that embrace that aspect about them⁠—[indiscernible 00:36:46] like use at least she/her in their pronouns and⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. But I guess when I say that, what I'm really getting at is because of the struggles you have around this stuff we're talking about, dating someone who has a lived Queer experience actually feels really important⁠—

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            ⁠—because you can have conversations with them. They're not going to make a lot of the sexual assumptions that people who have not lived the Queer experience are going to.

Lorelai:           Exactly.

Jessica:            And I feel like that's a really important distinction for you to hold, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            At least at this time. And that may evolve in 6 months or in 60 years. It doesn't matter. But for now, it feels like that's really important. You've got not just Saturn in the fifth house⁠—Saturn in Aquarius. Keep it hella Queer is what I'm trying to say.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            You might be in a really straight-presenting relationship, but keep it fucking  Queer because that is going to help you to kind of orient to your body and embrace your body and how you inhabit your body as a person in this life.

Lorelai:           Yeah. Yeah. And I do want to say, also, I did write "straight" in the question, but when I think about it, I don't even know if people perceive me as straight. I think some people do, but I think, also, a lot of people perceive me as very fruity. And so that was just my assumption.  But you know what? I bet a lot of people are out here thinking I'm just a little twink. So⁠—

Jessica:            Honestly, that tracks, too. I could see that, totally.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And also, I want to just applaud you for the term "fruity" because I feel like we don't use the word "fruity" enough. It is a perfect word.

Lorelai:           I love "fruity."

Jessica:            It's a great word.

Lorelai:           I embrace fruity.

Jessica:            Yes. I think that's important. Okay. So let's get back to you going on a date. Here's my contention. I believe that because you do not accept yourself and you use boundaries as a way to control and protect yourself instead of to make yourself safe, like authentically safe, you push people away unconsciously out the gate so that you don't have to navigate boundaries in real time with a real person. That's my contention.

                        Related to that, if you had more self-acceptance and you gave yourself authentic permission to be like, "I'm going to go on dates. Dates are simply a way to get to know a person. I do not need to put out. I do not need to think about how I'm being sexually in the first three dates"⁠—which might take a month to achieve, right? Because a date a week⁠—maybe you miss a week. You know what I mean?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            But for the first three dates. Then I actually think you'd be more open to going on dates if you gave yourself permission to not even be worried about sex on the first three dates because the truth of the matter is if you go on a date with somebody and you're overwhelmed with how much you want them sexually, yeah, you're going to be really weird. You're going to be super weird.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            And so, okay, then you're going to have to try harder to make eye contact and have conversation with them.

Lorelai:           Right.

Jessica:            You're going to be more awkward. Okay. In that case, I strongly recommend you make jokes about being an awkward person. That's all.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            Ladies love it.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah. Ladies love it. Don't worry about it. Make a joke about being awkward. Again, it's like a life hack is to lean into who you are because when you lean into who you are, not only is it easier to live in your own skin, but it makes other people at ease with who you are because she may be sitting there being like, "He does not like me. He is being shifty. He's not making eye contact." So then she's going to be self-defensive, and then you're like, "Oh my God. She doesn't like me."

Lorelai:           Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And if instead you're like, "Hey, I'm awkward," if you let her know, then she can be like, "Oh, okay. So I'll take control of this date." And if she's a good match for you, that's what she'll think. If she's not a good match for you, she won't think that way. You like a woman who's like, "I'll drive. Let me drive." Am I right?

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay.

Lorelai:           Actually, yes, I do.

Jessica:            Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So, if she's not a match, she will not take the wheel. If she is a match, she will take the wheel. Perfect. You don't want to be compatible with everyone. You want to be compatible with people who you like, who you can be yourself with.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's not how you think when you're in your insecurity. When you're in insecurity, you're like, "Me not getting along with her is evidence of something being wrong with me," instead of, "This is evidence of us not being a match."

Lorelai:           I do see that happening, even outside of relationships, like friendships as well, too.

Jessica:            Yep. Yep.

Lorelai:           That tracks.

Jessica:            There was a terrible TV show on 100 million years ago, and I happen to have seen an episode. And what I saw really changed my brain about something. There was this woman who was trying on jeans, and the jeans weren't fitting. And she was like, "There's something wrong with my body. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm terrible." She went into all this shit.

And the woman on the TV show said, "When you try on a pair of jeans and they don't fit your body, there's something wrong with the jeans and not with your body." I had never heard it said that directly and that clearly and that obviously before. But that's basically what I just said to you. You can apply this to literally anything.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Not everything is going to match you in life, and that's okay. But when you say to yourself, "This not being a match for me is evidence of me being broken," then you're not only harming yourself and limiting your life, but you're lying to yourself. That's not true. It's just not true. Even if you get partnered with somebody and you're truly happy for 5 years, for 15 years, and then it changes and you're no longer happy, that's not an evidence of failure. That's an evidence of change.

Lorelai:           Right.

Jessica:            And if you're being authentic and you're centering and prioritizing being in integrity, which is something that is really important to your happiness, then there's room for you to evolve and to not be a match for something or someone. If you're trying to fit your square peg into a round hole, then there's no room for you to be anything but something you're not.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Now, we're going back on a date. You need⁠—and I'm not going to tell you what you need. You don't need, but I'm going to say you need to come up with a list of five or six things. Put a list in your phone, easy-return-to conversation points, questions to ask a girl, so when you get awkward, you can have memorized these⁠—whatever.

                        It's really important that you have easy talking points that you can pull out of your ass in awkward situations because you do have awkward situations. And that's not bad, but that'll make you feel better.

Lorelai:           Yeah. And I think it's⁠—we talked about my Mercury in Scorpio. 90 percent of the time, in my head, I'm thinking of the questions and then not realizing I've just spent two minutes just in silence with someone, thinking of these questions. And then, suddenly, I'm like, "Oh my God. I've been sitting in silence with this person, and this person thinks I am weird."

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, listen.

Lorelai:           So yeah.

Jessica:            I'm going to share something personal with you for a second here. I will never forget my ex⁠—now, who I was with for seven and a half years, is a dear friend⁠—on our first date, they brought me a multiple-choice questionnaire for us to do at a bar. So we went to a bar. We didn't drink. Neither of us like drinking. And we answered a multiple-choice questionnaire. Now, that sounds fucking insane to most people. Most people would be like, "That is a terrible idea. That's not fun. That's not hot." None of that. It was the perfect thing for me.

Lorelai:           Yeah. I think it's charming.

Jessica:            Right? Right? It's⁠—right, because if you're a certain kind of nerd, that is going to be the most charming, fun, weird, surprising way to get to know each other, to not have to stare at each other all the time. The witty repartee can come out of your reaction to questions instead of constantly having to generate conversation.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            It was the perfect first date for me. But 90 percent of the population would be like, "What?" But you were like, "That sounds fun." So here's what I'm trying to say. You don't need to be right for everyone. You don't need to be right for most people. You just need to be right for that person who likes what you like.

Lorelai:           Right.

Jessica:            So, if you show up to a date and you have printed out⁠—I mean, this was before mobile phones were what they are now. But if you have a multiple-choice questionnaire pulled up and be like, "This is really funny. Do you want to do this with me?" and they're like, "Ew," then you can be like, "Oh, we probably don't have the same interests." Or if she's like, "Yes. That's weird. Let's go," you will instantly feel more comfortable in your own skin because all I'm trying to say is lean into what you are. Lean into it.

                        If you're an overthinking weirdo, bring a multiple-choice questionnaire to a date. It's okay to do. And I'm not saying you have to do that, obviously. But again, it's about leaning into who you are. And that brings me to, how do you get on a date? This is super, super niche, and you probably haven't heard of it: the internet.

Lorelai:           Like apps. Is that what you're saying?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Lorelai:           I've tried the apps, and I can't tell you how many times I've downloaded an app and then deleted it like two hours later.

Jessica:            Yeah. So you've⁠—

Lorelai:           I think I'm⁠—

Jessica:            You've heard of it; you've just not used it yet.

Lorelai:           Oh, I've used it. I just⁠—I delete it so fast because I'm swiping through it; I just realize what I'm looking for is so unique because I acknowledge how I'm probably not 90 percent of society's⁠—you know, I know that I'm [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            Okay. I'm going to interrupt you. I'm going to interrupt you because I see where this is going.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            So what you're saying is that hot femme girl or whatever, however we want to name it⁠—that girl that's looking for intense, nerdy, overthinker, just like you⁠—I hope you don't mind that I called you nerdy. It's a compliment.

Lorelai:           I love that.

Jessica:            Okay. Good⁠—that she doesn't get to find you because you decided to delete your profile two hours after you upload it. Do you understand what I'm saying is that you're thinking about yourself? You're so caught up in your own insecurity that you're not thinking about all the girls who are getting on the app and not finding guys like you because you're busy deleting yourself off of apps after you upload. You put all the energy into doing the work, and then you're like, "Eh, I'm out." And hey, listen, I respect that.

                        But if you pulled back, which is really hard to do, and weren't just thinking about your own insecurities but thinking about all the insecure girls that exist⁠—because you know some girls have some insecurities, right? You know about that?

Lorelai:           Right. Right.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. So you've heard of reality. So you're making yourself impossible to find.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Sorry. Your face. Yeah. But I'm just saying, listen. You can be online, a stupid fucking dating site, and meet no one. You can meet a bunch of people, and they're all not a match. Or you can meet somebody perfect. You can meet somebody who's good enough. I mean, anything could happen is what I'm saying. When you're not trying, only one thing can happen: nothing. It's a promise.

                        You've heard me talk about possibility versus probability, right? When you do something that's vulnerable and out of control, there's possibility. The possibility is you feel terrible. The possibility is you feel amazing. The possibility is you learn something about yourself. The possibility is you go on dates, and you practice having boundaries, and you maybe hook up with somebody and then hate it or love it. The possibilities are kind of endless.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            The probability if you don't do anything and you sit at home⁠—the probability is nothing happens. And listen. I want to be exceptionally clear. You don't have to fucking date. You don't have to have sex. You don't have to prioritize those things. It's absolutely not necessary. However, you clearly want to evolve on this issue.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And so what I would encourage you to do is give yourself permission to upload an app. Publish it. Don't get back on the app. Don't get back on the app for⁠—

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            Hold on. I'm seeing four days. Four days.

Lorelai:           Four days.

Jessica:            So you publish it. You don't look at it for four days. You do not delete your profile. You do not check on the results. You do not swipe on anyone, unless you feel like it just happens organically and you want to. But that's not the point. The point is you just put yourself out there, and you let the feelings happen. You make sure you have therapy scheduled. You know what I mean?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            You let the feelings happen. You lean into who you are. So, when you write a description⁠—if you only use an app where you can write a description, okay? You're not well-suited to just pictures. You need more information.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So, when you write a description, be honest. Lean into your peculiarities. Lean into who you are because you do not want some girl to⁠—I don't know which direction we're swiping on, but swipe yes on you based on something that's not true. You want somebody who's like, "Yeah, he's shy. He's weird. He's nerdy. I'm in." That's what you want. Don't assume that no one wants you. That's the wrong assumption. It's always the wrong assumption.

                        Also, the reason why you're not looking for four days is because you will be so triggered that, yeah, you'll delete it anyways. It doesn't matter what advice anyone gives you. You'll delete it. So allow yourself to stay with the trigger without getting any further information. You can take the app off your phone without deleting your profile. If you have to do that, do it.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            And then set the intention, if you're going to play, that you're going to look at the app⁠—okay. So, first of all, you're going to feel terrible if you do this. I'm giving you such constructive advice you will feel fucking bananas, awful, terrible. That's what will happen.

Lorelai:           Oh, great.

Jessica:            But that's why you've deleted it every time. You already know this, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So the work is to tolerate those feelings therapeutically. So this, in part, means do not get external feedback on what is happening with girls⁠—don't get that kind of feedback while you're in a state of being triggered and activated because those triggers and activation are just about you, and it's too easy to make it about what does or doesn't happen on the app. Okay?

                        So you don't have to open it again. And most apps, they show you read receipts. They say when a person was last on the app. So that's great. That means if the perfect girl reaches out, she will know that you haven't seen the message yet. So you're safe. You're safe. You're not going to miss an opportunity that way, okay? And you're not going to be mean that way. That said, if you do decide to check in on the app, I would say once a week.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            So, again, you might need to keep the profile but delete the app off your phone so that it's not in your head. If you're a schedule person, maybe even put it in your calendar: Wednesday at noon, which is right before therapy at 2:00⁠—or something, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Open the app. You look at the app. You engage if you want to engage, or whatever, right?

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So that all that Scorpio doesn't get you in a compulsive addict zone, which reinforces your worst insecurities.

Lorelai:           Yeah. I was going to say I have to really reel in my impulse and my impulse controls because that'll definitely be hard to not just want to just look because, oh, maybe this is the right time. But I think having a scheduled time is probably best.

Jessica:            Yeah. And I think part of what's important to recognize is that the advice I'm giving you is not about putting yourself online so you can date so you can work on your sexuality. That's actually not the advice. The advice is to practice putting yourself out there to tolerate the feelings and thoughts that come up so that you can work on them, so that you can clear some space inside of you. And in that space, self-esteem, partnership, dates, fun sex can come in.

                        Right now, you've got all these inhibitions in front of you that is stopping you from having the flexibility and adaptability inside to let that fun, lovely stuff occur. So that's why I'm encouraging you to get on the app.

Lorelai:           So interesting that we're going down this route because I've told myself, "This is the last time. I'm deleting this app. Never again." And so I actually think that it's interesting that actually leading back into the apps⁠—and like you said, not even specifically for a relationship, but just to even sit with the triggers that it brings up for me⁠—really does feel like that is how I do move forward in this issue that I'm having.

Jessica:            It's the least risk you could possibly take.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And it will bring up all of your shit just as easily as going to a party and making eye contact and having a conversation with somebody. So you might as well do it in this easy way, and to recognize that that compulsion to delete the profile or that compulsion to check a million times⁠—they're the same compulsion. And they're meaningfully⁠—this is very important for you to hear⁠—a way for you to distract away from what you're feeling, which is scared, vulnerable.

                        There's a million feelings you have on top of scared and vulnerable, and those feelings your brain will give very well thought-out analysis for. But it always comes back to scared and vulnerable. And scared and vulnerable is really hard to feel. That said, I don't know if you've paid attention enough to know this, but I'm confident you have: women like men who can be vulnerable, in touch with their vulnerabilities, who care.

Lorelai:           Shocking.

Jessica:            Yeah. Shocking. Shocking data. But in the moment, you feel like your vulnerability is a hindrance, when in reality, it's actually an asset. If you are able to be with your vulnerability, it's an asset. If you're not able to be with your vulnerability, if you shut it down, okay, then it's a hindrance. But you're trying to throw out your baby with your bathwater here. And I'm saying the baby is not even dirty. Yeah, clean the bathwater, sure. And eventually, we'll tweak it out from there.

                        All of this to say⁠—pulling back one more time⁠—I know we haven't actually talked about sex proper that much. So I just want to pause myself and see, do you have any questions?

Lorelai:           No. And that's the thing⁠—we talked about it early⁠—is I wondered if this was the right question because I felt like it was so layered, and yet it was part of a bigger thing. But I thought that by talking about sex, it would bring up those other underlying issues of what was really going on beneath the surface. And I think that, yeah, we're talking about the apps and stuff, but really, it's me kind of facing how to be vulnerable.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes.

Lorelai:           And how to be vulnerable even with myself feels like the first step, really, because even that⁠—I feel like I sometimes don't even feel safe being vulnerable with me.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's really what it comes down to. And I'm going to add one last thing to this, which I think is really important given the way your chart is written. And I think it's also relevant to your experience as a Trans man, although I don't think it's in any way exclusive. But it's this. For you⁠—and it sounds like you transitioned during your relationship, your last relationship.

Lorelai:           It was really at the start of our relationship. So they were the only one that I actually really shared that experience with. So they helped me through that, and yeah, it's been six years now.

Jessica:            Okay. So I think it's really important to cultivate a relationship to your own body and your sexuality for yourself because when we explore our sexuality in a partnered way exclusively, or even primarily, it doesn't fully belong to you. It belongs to your partner. It belongs to whatever space is created around sex with people. And I think, in general, but certainly especially for you as a person who's gone through a transition who's⁠—or I don't know if you still feel that you're transitioning, but you get where I'm going.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Developing a relationship with your sexual body and your sexual preference and what you do and don't like, exploring your fantasy landscape, exploring your body for you with you, is foundational to being able to let other people in in a way that you can consent to.

Lorelai:           Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, and actually, I feel like I have been working on that aspect a lot. You're right. We talked about me not needing sex a lot. And also, I also think that partnered sex isn't the only type of sex.

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah.

Lorelai:           So sex, for me, and all that stuff is stuff that I've been exploring a lot more because I do think that that is kind of the entryway into having happier, healthier, better sex with another person. So I do feel like⁠—yeah, I do feel like I am doing better with that and exploring that a little bit more. It is hard, though. I feel like even in the⁠—again, the diaspora of sex culture, it is hard for me to explore to the extent that I would like to. Even my [indiscernible 00:58:43] and stuff can be a little bit dysphoric for me.

Jessica:            Yeah. Absolutely.

Lorelai:           So I run into weird things with that.

Jessica:            That makes sense. And also, I want to encourage you to do more research into specifically by-Trans-men-for-Trans-men⁠—whether it's porn, erotica, culture. And I think it's weird because social media, in a way, has made it so much more accessible, but it's also made it, in some ways, less accessible because there's so much more.

Lorelai:           Yeah. Exactly.

Jessica:            So it's just so much more. And because you have so much Scorpio in your chart and Saturn is square to so much of the Scorpio in your chart, you need privacy. You need privacy.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And there's something to be said for the brown paper bag culture. Do you know what that reference is?

Lorelai:           I've not heard of it.

Jessica:            So, before the internet, in order to get porn or any kind of sexual content, you had to go someplace and buy it. So that would mean you would go to a place, and you would buy a VHS, a magazine, and it would come in a brown paper bag because, obviously, you're not walking around with⁠—advertising what it is. And there's something to be said about that culture. There's a lot of negative things about it, and unfortunately, we might be going back in that direction with all these fucking draconian laws that are coming here in the U.S.

Lorelai:           Yes. It's terrifying.

Jessica:            It is. But there's something to be said for having to find the place and go to the place and pick the thing to have this kind of culture of privacy. There's something about that that can be hot for you. There's something about that that can feel safer to you. And so I want to just say the loudest thing is probably not going to be your thing. Across the board, the loudest thing⁠—it's just not your vibe. And that doesn't mean that you don't appreciate it in other people. I think you like to date loud people, people who've got loud vibes and who are like bright, shiny objects⁠—not to call people objects, but you know what I mean.

Lorelai:           I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Yeah.

Jessica:            But that's not you. That's not you. You have a million planets in Scorpio. You go more goth than bright/shiny in that way. That's the vibe.

Lorelai:           Yeah, very much so.

Jessica:            And it's not bad. It's not good. It's self-appropriate. And as soon as you find yourself thinking, "This is bad," or, "This is good," you know you've lost the thread. You're in a Scorpio K-hole. This is where you want to go to: "What's self-appropriate? What's in alignment? What's my truth in this moment?" Keep the "in this moment" in the front of your thinking because it's going to evolve. Of course it's going to evolve. You're very young. You know what I mean? It's going to evolve. Of course it's going to evolve. You're working on yourself.

                        It's about allowing yourself to be where you are and then cultivating the habit of embracing where you are. You cannot cultivate the habit of embracing where you are if you don't first have the habit of accepting where you are. So acceptance⁠—that's the foundation you gotta be working with now. And you are not behind schedule. I know you feel like you're behind schedule. You're not. You're absolutely not. You're not even in your Christ year yet. You're good. You're good. You're where you are meant to be.

                        And you do not need to be married and buried right now. That's not a thing. You don't need that.

Lorelai:           Okay.

Jessica:            I don't even think you really want that.

Lorelai:           No. And I resonate with you and your partner. You guys talk about forever fiancé. I'm like, "That's the goal."

Jessica:            That's the goal. We met in our late 30s. And I have no regrets. Personally, me, I never wanted human children. So, if you don't want human children, life is really long.

Lorelai:           Yeah. Yeah. That's true.

Jessica:            And there is no reason to be married in your 20s. Why? You know what I⁠—

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Why would you want that? And hey. It's awesome for people who've found that and it works. It's fucking gorgeous, right? Let's hold space for difference. But for so many of us, the pressure that we place on ourselves to be partnered when we're young⁠—well, it's really hard to evolve and change and grow up in a relationship. It's not impossible, and when it happens, it's amazing. But it's hard.

                        So is there any problem with you not having that person yet? No, there's not. It's not evidence of it not coming. It's evidence only of your past. And if in your past you have not been able to accept yourself, then it's not shocking that you haven't let someone in who loves and accepts you. And why date somebody who doesn't?

Lorelai:           Yeah. I completely resonate with that. And I think that's ultimately the biggest thing for me at this point, and it's hard. It's hard not to compare yourself. It really is hard not to compare. And you see other people, and then also, you're kind of raised to believe you find that one person, and then that person's forever; you only share yourself with that one person. It's been really hard for me to let go of that, of that "You share yourself with that one person, and it makes it more special. It makes it more meaningful." And I've really had to let that go because I think that's actually a very harmful way of thinking.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Lorelai:           And yeah.

Jessica:            But let me throw this in the mix. That can be your kink. Weird, hyper-straight, hyper-monogamous, hyper⁠—that can be your kink. If you can't completely shake it, make it work for you. You know what I mean? But just keep it in the bedroom, not in the real life. There is a way to roleplay that that could actually be really romantic and really hot for you.

                        But I want to just kind of shake it up, like that can be super kinky for a Queer person to have that kind of very⁠—I would call that an outdated, very old-school⁠—you know.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            It's a concept that comes out of "women are property," really, because that "Save yourself; only be with one person" thing⁠—that was always only for women, right?

Lorelai:           Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely.

Jessica:            That was never for men. Yeah. So it's really like a "women are property" thing. And we can deconstruct that. We can have conversations about that, yada, yada, yada. And we should. And we should. But for the part of you that just cannot shake it⁠—it's in your body⁠—see if you can take it in your body, move it to another shelf, and it becomes like a roleplay that you enjoy as opposed to a belief you have about relationships or about your body or about your partner's body. Do you know what I'm saying?

Lorelai:           Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jessica:            When it comes to Saturn, Saturn is really rigid. But that can be worked with. That can be made to be weird and consensual and fun⁠⁠—or not. It doesn't have to. It doesn't have to, but I'm just throwing it in the mix because with your chart and with your nature, you do have a tendency to go either/or. So either this is true or it's false.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And it's an and/also. It's a⁠—you don't believe that, and you do. You think that's really limiting and terrible, and you actually think it's romantic and you believe that it's right. It's an and/also. So what creative weirdness can you create with that messy complex? Maybe nothing. Maybe you need to throw it away. Maybe you just need to unlearn it and move on. Maybe it becomes part of your spank bank or whatever.

There's a lot of room in life, over time or in this moment, to explore yourself and your ideas and how you can hold them differently. You can adapt without throwing everything away. Certain feelings that we have from our early developmental experiences, from our epigenetics⁠—they're really fucking hard to completely get rid of. We don't have to completely get rid of them. We just need to reorient how we hold them. Does that make sense?

Lorelai:           It really does. And thank you for saying that, because again, I think that's why this issue with shame comes up for me, because it's like, oh, I'm trying to get back at that. I'm trying to get back at these ways that I feel like I've been conditioned, and by doing that, I feel like I'm abandoning myself and these truths about myself because I hate that they gave me these ideas, but also, I actually loved the idea of⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Lorelai:           You know what I mean?

Jessica:            Yes.

Lorelai:           This perfect romance and all these things. And so I think⁠—yeah, going back to my question, this idea of I need to be sexually liberated and I need to be an example of all this stuff, kind of as a getting back at that, in a way⁠—but really, you're just saying kind of just accepting and thinking about those parts that I feel like have hurt me⁠ and turning it into something that's going to benefit me.

Jessica:            Yes, and that better reflects who you choose to be, who you actually are, which is not a person who's never been raised with those ideas. Personally, me, I was never raised with those ideas. I have no way of identifying with that. And so I'm unencumbered by them. Okay. Lucky me. I mean, I got other encumbrances; don't be jealous. But just to say we all get to be ourselves, but we don't ever get to be someone other than ourselves.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            So, while you can evolve, you evolve from what you are. And that's only bad if you shit on yourself, which you're very good at doing but hopefully you will continue to practice and practice and practice not doing. And that's really what it comes down to, is practice.

                        And as you do this work, you will eventually find somebody who makes your heart skip and that you're compatible with. And then you will engage with your control issues and your judgments and all that kind of shit⁠—hopefully slowly, sometimes too fast because that's your nature. You do too much too fast, and then you pull back all the way. Okay. Fine. Work with your nature.

Lorelai:           Just sometimes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I see you. So okay. Then you fuck with that. Great.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. It's about recognizing that the only way to evolve is to practice. And sometimes that's practicing alone in therapy or alone in your bedroom, and sometimes that's dating and having it be unsuccessful.

Again, I think of all of my dating experiences, some of which were just explosively terrible, and I am grateful for every single mistake I made, every time I abandoned myself, every time I dated somebody that was right for me or wrong for me or whatever, because I've actually learned⁠—I choose to remember to learn from those things instead of be like, "Oh, this is evidence of something." It's evidence that I was there. I'm not there now. I mean, in some ways, I am. In some ways, I'm not.

                        But again, you get to evolve. You get to evolve, and you get to be imperfect. And I can promise you without any ambiguity, like a pure promise, every person you ever come in contact with will make mistakes, will fuck up, will have insecurities. You're not alone. We're all fucked up. And that, to me, is really reassuring because part of this puritanical ideal is you will meet the perfect person, and that perfect person will essentially make you perfect because you're perfect for each other. Yeah, that's impossible. There's no such thing as perfect.

                        And there's something very reassuring about that, for me, anyways, of yeah, we all get to be fucked up together. You just need to find somebody who's compatible in the ways you're fucked up so that you challenge each other to be better versions of yourselves through the ways in which you're fucked up. Do you know what I'm saying?

Lorelai:           Right. Right.

Jessica:            Instead of somebody who forces you to be worst version of your fucked-upedness. That's the goal.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            There's no way to achieve that straight out the gate for most of us, most of the time. So, again, you're not behind schedule.

Lorelai:           That's good. That's good to know.

Jessica:            Yeah. It is good to know. Now, did we hit it?

Lorelai:           We did. And I kind of expected it to go this way, and so I'm glad that we did. And you've expanded on things that I felt like I needed to see a shift in perspective. And so, yeah, you've definitely helped me, and I feel like⁠—I'm going to therapy tomorrow, so⁠ I feel like this is actually perfect timing that it was right before I would be going tomorrow.

Jessica:            I'm so glad you're going to therapy tomorrow.

Lorelai:           Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm really glad we did this because when I got your question, I was like, "I hope I can really speak to this," because it's a complex issue. So thank you for trusting me with it.

Lorelai:           Yeah.

Jessica:            And yeah.

Lorelai:           I wouldn't have trusted anyone else.

Jessica:            Thank you. Thank you so much. I do appreciate it.