Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:      Coco Baby, welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about?

Coco Baby:     So I'm just going to go ahead and read my question. "I'm curious to know if I can receive a reading about the feeling of inadequacy haunting me or following me in life. I feel a bit of entropy when I deeply think about this topic, as it's something that haunts me every single day in my personal life, career, and how I function in society as a whole. It feels debilitating at times, and I just want to feel like myself or at least have the tools to know how to handle this on my own without having to rely on my addictions or the comfort of others."

Jessica:            This is such a real, intense, and relatable problem. So you mentioned addictions. Are you comfortable sharing what they are?

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah. Totally. It's marijuana and social media and⁠—what I've come to find out⁠—even porn.

Jessica:            Spoken like a Pluto conjunction to the Ascendant and Scorpio if I ever heard it. You're just like, "I'm private. It's in private. It's all me. I'm alone with all the feelings."

Coco Baby:     Uh-huh.

Jessica:            These are the perfect fucking addictions. Plus you have a stellium in Capricorn. This is maybe the second time I've met someone where I'm like, oh, I'm having, like, "Am I Capricorn enough?" kind of feelings. You have so much Capricorn. And Saturn and Capricorn governs weed⁠—weed, hash, all⁠—

Coco Baby:     What?

Jessica:            Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Coco Baby:     You're joking. Wow.

Jessica:            Zero percent. Yes.

Coco Baby:     Okay.

Jessica:            Astrology works. It turns out astrology works. So okay. Those are really deep. And when I was reading your question, I was like, "Entropy. What a deep word." It's not a word that people use casually—again, Pluto in Scorpio conjunct the Ascendant. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. For sure. I'm going to ask you more follow-up questions, but I wanted to start off by saying you were born January 31st, 1992, in Evanston, Illinois, at 1:31 a.m.

                        So the first thing I want to say is, holy hell, do you have a lot of conjunctions. You're like a case study in conjunctions⁠—so many conjunctions. Pluto is conjunct the Ascendant, and then it has a couple sextiles. And then you've got Moon conjunct, Venus conjunct, North Node conjunct Uranus. And then that Uranus is conjunct Mars conjunct Neptune, all in Capricorn. And then you've got Mercury, Sun, Saturn all conjunct in Aquarius. And then you have your Jupiter hanging out, forming some really happy little trines. But that's it. No squares. No squares. And I mean, you don't really⁠—I mean, you have some oppositions from Chiron to your little Aquarius mini-stellium there, but other than that⁠—and Chiron is not a planet, so I hold it in a different esteem than the planets. You have no planetary squares or oppositions. You don't even have a⁠—do you have a sextile? You don't even have a damn sextile. You just got trines. You know what I mean?

Coco Baby:     Wow.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It's very interesting. I don't see this often. And you don't have, quote unquote, "hard" aspects, so much, in your chart. And what that does is it gives you such a whole-body, whole-throated experience of who and what you are without a lot of internal challenge to it. And so⁠—I'm sorry. Your face. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     Dude.

Jessica:            But if you go into heavy Capricorn, like, "What is the point of living? And will I ever be good enough? Can I ever work hard enough? Will anything ever get better?"⁠—there's nothing in your chart interrupting that conversation. Nothing. I mean, Jupiter⁠—Jupiter's trining it. Jupiter's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep growing in that direction."

Coco Baby:     Dude.

Jessica:            It's a lot. It's a lot. I mean, these conjunctions really make it so that transits come, and they give you the experience of a sextile with a square of an opposition. But then it feels like your whole fucking world is being rattled because you don't have these energies native to you.

Coco Baby:     Right.

Jessica:            And so a hard transit for you is really going to be hard because you're like, "What even is this?"

Coco Baby:     I'm laughing because I literally say that a lot. I do. "What even is this? What is even happening?" Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's exactly what it feels like to you. You just have no fucking context for it because it's not in your chart. And so kind of a hot tip for all the people out there who are like, "I have so many squares and oppositions. It's so terrible"⁠—sure, and also, you know how that energy feels. So, when that energy is active around you or you're dealing with other people who are full of conflict, the world makes sense. But to you, you're like, "People make zero percent of sense," because if people aren't seeing things the way you see them, processing the way you're processing them, feeling the way you're feeling, you really just are like, "I don't even⁠—what the fuck?"

Coco Baby:     All I can do is laugh right now because I feel like even as a child, just growing up my whole life, it's always been a matter of, "So I just gotta learn this on my own?" There's no context as far as an example to follow.

Jessica:            Yep. Let's throw some more complexity⁠—we're going to get to your question, but⁠—so you know the Nodes⁠—you know I got things about it, about like, don't overthink it until you hit 40. You are far from 40. However, you've got the North Node in the second house. And I find the North Node in the second house or North Node in Taurus are particularly challenging in that they indicate that you've come into this life knowing how to get around all the fucking rules, knowing how⁠—yeah. Yeah. That's right. That's right. I see your⁠—your face is not visible on the podcast, but your face is⁠—yeah. You know how to get around all the rules. You know how to adapt around people in order to get your needs met.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            But what you've come here in this lifetime to determine is, what are your values?

Coco Baby:     It's hitting. It's hitting. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. So what's especially challenging here is you don't just have the North Node in the second house; you have a fucking stellium in the second house. You have Moon, Venus, North Node, Uranus, Neptune, Mars, and Mercury. Mercury is right on that third-house cusp, but I mean, it's in the fucking third house. And that Capricorn stuff is intercepted because the Universe is funny. (laughs)

Coco Baby:     Cosmic cackle.

Jessica:            That's right. It's a cosmic cackle. That's exactly what it is. It's a scoff. It's a scoff. All that energy feels inaccessible to you, even though it is the bulk of your damn energy. And so, for you, because of the way your chart is written, doing the work of identifying your values⁠—I cannot tell you how much that's going to help you in life, just so much. And it's going to be exceptionally challenging for you to do because, yeah, you can do the homework assignment. You're an Aquarius. You got a lot of Cap in you. You'll do whatever assignment you're given. Whatever. You'll figure it out. But actually, there's something inherent to your spiritual values system and your kind of nihilist, existentialist values system⁠—right?

Coco Baby:     Yep.

Jessica:            ⁠—that make it hard to even care consistently. And this is where, now, we come into your actual question because this feeling of inadequacy⁠—I believe 100 percent you mean it. You feel it. You experience it. And also, I think the flip side⁠—if inadequacy was a coin, on the other side of that⁠—you know, the heads and the tails of this coin⁠—would be, "I don't give a fuck."

Coco Baby:     Hey. Hey, man. Hey, man. It's crazy because right now, especially right now at this moment, in this time in my life, I'm at that place where even my lease is coming up in November, and I could totally be like, "Yeah, I can renew my lease or live somewhere else." A part of me, wholeheartedly with my whole soul, wants to just detach from everything materially that I have and just live life according to how I need to figure it out versus where everybody's telling me to live and how to function in society and all of this stuff.

And I'm just like, "None of it is making sense." And now I'm in a place of actually mentally detaching from a lot of stuff already and going in that direction and talking about it and seeing myself, visualizing myself, in that realm. And I'm shook because I'm like, "There's no context for me to follow if I were to do that." And secondly, I just⁠—I don't care. It's like you said. I don't care anymore.

Jessica:            Have you done some version of this before, though, what you're describing? Some version of, "Fuck it all to hell, and I'm just going to give up everything all at once"?

Coco Baby:     Yeah, actually.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Mid-20s?

Coco Baby:     Oh yeah.

Jessica:            Are you 30 yet? I'm bad at math now.

Coco Baby:     I'm 32.

Jessica:            32. Okay.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So you haven't had your Christ year yet, although in this bananas moment, you are talking about setting yourself up for your Christ year to not have a home or any possessions. We will come back to that.

Coco Baby:     Okay.

Jessica:            We will come back to that. But at this age, in this Saturn Return bubble you're in, there's only so much a lived experience you have as an adult, right? Maybe 20, 21, so we're talking about like ten years, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And so it's hard to track your adult patterns because you just don't have enough data points yet. That said, this is a pattern. I'm going to go on a limb and say this is a pattern. You do it. You try really earnestly. It doesn't work the way you think it should. People make no sense to you. And then you're like, "Fuck it. Why don't I just instead⁠—just a thought⁠—get a bulldozer, raze it to the ground, change my name, and move to a new city?"

Coco Baby:     Oh⁠—the fact that you said change my name is insane.

Jessica:            Did you do that?

Coco Baby:     Yes, because I was⁠—not that I was, but I am a songwriter. But that was definitely one of the things that I tore down. And I had a great reputation with it, all of it. But things got wonky, and I was like, "You know what? Honestly, forget all of this. I'm just going to go by my real name." And then⁠—

Jessica:            And tore it down, changed your name.

Coco Baby:     That. Yep.

Jessica:            So let's talk about that, because you wrote me about inadequacy, but the inadequacy feelings are on the same coin with the "Fuck it. I care zero percent. Life is pain. Life is labor, and then it's over.  There's no fucking point."

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So they're two extremes, right?

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            The same extreme, ultimately, but they're two extremes. So I'm going to actually focus on the part of you that⁠—the other part, not the inadequate part. And we're going to come around to it. So this is the thing. And I'm going to actually have you say your full name out loud.

Coco Baby:     Gotcha. [redacted].

Jessica:            Thank you. I'm going to just give you this hot tip here. With this stellium in Capricorn, people will act in ways that you cannot for the life of you fathom because you wouldn't do it. And if you did do it, what you would mean is something very clear because your insides are like a ceiling to floor IKEA shelving unit. It's organized. Everything has a cubbyhole. Everything gets labeled. Inside each individual cubbyhole, yeah, it's a mess. But it's organized. If you said it, you meant it. If you didn't say it, you meant it. If you used that tone, you meant it. There's always a meaning, and there's always some kind of a plan or a strategy attached with what you do and don't do.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            And it is impossible for you, with all these conjunctions, to really believe that everyone isn't the same. If somebody just says they're going to call you tonight at 7:00 and then they just don't call, you're like, "Yeah, she fucking meant it. She fucking meant⁠—of course, she meant it," because not calling is this thing that you do when you're not calling, and they said they would call.

Coco Baby:     Uh-huh.

Jessica:            People are not Capricorns, and those people don't always remember what they say. Time gets away from them. And for you, because again, all you've got here are conjunctions and a couple Jupiter trines, it's really like your worldview is so ironclad that it makes it harder for you to consider other people's perspective and believe it's possible that they could possibly be whatever it is in the moment. It really does make it very, very, very hard.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So that doesn't mean you're not capable, to be clear. It just means you have to work really hard at it.

Coco Baby:     Which I feel I do as of lately. My younger years⁠—oh my God. Everything was taken so personally.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Coco Baby:     But now, I am conscious of that, and that is something that I'm like, "All right. I'll live."

Jessica:            It takes a lot of work. So I want to be very clear with what I'm about to say. I am not a therapist. I don't diagnose people. I don't in any way have any opinion one way or another whether or not you're autistic. Here's the "but." The "but" is so much of autistic talk⁠—you know what I mean? Like TikTok autism talk or whatever, that level of it⁠—it really works for your personality because you are an IKEA furniture piece. You really get the⁠—taking things literally? Yeah, that's your nature. It's 100 percent your nature. When somebody says, "Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that," you just assume to never talk to them about it again because they said they didn't want to fucking talk about it. You're a literalist.

Coco Baby:     I'm very literal like that. I am. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yes. Yes. Yes. And as I can say as a triple Capricorn myself⁠—I have Sun, Moon, and Rising in Cap⁠—people sometimes are like, "Shit. That was intense," and I'm like, "No, I was just being direct." And people are like, "That felt like something other than direct." And I'm like, "Oh, it was direct with no⁠—I forgot to frill it up." Do you know what I'm saying?

Coco Baby:     Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Because, if I may return to the IKEA wall unit, it's not a good-looking piece of furniture. You know what I mean? It's not frilly. It's just functional. It's just clean and functional. That's all it is. And so, if we don't frill it up, it makes people feel like you're coming up against them instead of meeting them.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And then what happens is, when people feel like you're coming up against them instead of meeting them, they resist. They get insecure because they feel like you're being hard and mean and judgy. Right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Paternal. It's a paternal sign.

Coco Baby:     For sure.

Jessica:            I mean, Saturn is a high femme⁠—I stand by it⁠—but paternal styles. And so what ends up happening is you meet people's resistance, and then you're like, "What? I was just direct. What? I was doing what they asked me to do." It makes no sense to you because you are considering it from your perspective instead of from their perspective.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And this can make relationships feel futile for you because you are following logic, and they are not.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. 100 percent.

Jessica:            So, first of all, Capricorn to Capricorn, obviously we're right about everything. However, life is much more like music than like code, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Like technology. It is much more about irregular beats and the overall vibe, the swell and the reception and the⁠—it's like a surprising story instead of logic that meets and creates something in a linear way.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And conceptually, you are down for that. But when your ego⁠—Mars⁠—or your drive to relate to people⁠—Venus⁠—or your emotions⁠—the Moon⁠—get involved, you're like, "Okay. Sure. But that makes no sense."

Coco Baby:     Yeah, like, "Make it make sense."

Jessica:            Yeah. Make it make sense. Yeah. And so this is why I referenced autistic TikTok, because there are so many people out there who are sharing so many skills around how to inquire with other people, how to develop the skills of honoring your nature and also navigating other people being so unpredictable in all these ways and not making sense. And that could be useful to you. And it's accessible, and it's free. And it's always in your pocket. I almost said "stupid pocket" because you said it was one of your four addictions, social media.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            So it's like a good use of engaging with social media if it helps.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Right? And there's a lot of stuff out there that's not going to help you at all, and a lot of stuff that might.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            So there you go. It's, again, free and accessible. And this is a new thing in human history where you have access to peer-based data like that. Now, that all said, I'm going to be totally direct. You're exceptionally capable. You can be a high-functioning adult. What is that face? Tell me what that face is.

Coco Baby:     I'm tripping because I wrote on my mirror, "I am capable."

Jessica:            Yeah. All right.

Coco Baby:     Today.

Jessica:            Today? Shit.

Coco Baby:     Today. Yeah.

Jessica:            And the people don't know, but this was a very last-minute reading. So the vibes are vibing. Capable.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            You are exceptionally capable. But you need to decide to be here. You need to decide what the point of your life is because if not, what you will do is, every couple/few years, you'll commit to the material world. You'll get the job. You'll do the things. And then every couple/few years after that, you'll burn it to the fucking ground. And then every couple/few years after that, you'll recover. And then you're back on your cycle.

                        And this is fine, and it's your life. And you get to do that if that's what you want. But I don't believe that's what you want. I don't believe that's what you want because you have a stellium in fucking Capricorn. You want to build something.

Coco Baby:     I do. I do.

Jessica:            You do. You want to build a healthier inside. You want to build a sense of self and a level of self-possession that allows you to be more adaptable.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            Yep.

Coco Baby:     Now, that, yes. When you say build something, my ego instantly goes to the outer, like things I have to build on the outside, things that everybody is telling me that I need to build or that I should build. But when I think about anything that I should build, it is my inner because everything gets torn the hell down because my inners is fucked. You know?

Jessica:            Agreed. I mean, listen. Whatever it is that you build outside of you⁠—like if you think of your psyche, your emotions, your soul, even your physical health, you think of it as the root system of the thing you're here to do, right? It has to start there because if your roots are rotted, if your roots are fucked up in some way, what are you going to do? I mean, it doesn't matter what you build. Eventually, you're going to have a problem.

And I can say this more astrologically. Your North Node is conjunct Uranus, which is conjunct Mars, which is conjunct Neptune. If it doesn't involve your soul, if it doesn't involve your psyche, if it doesn't involve your body, then it's not for you. Now, that doesn't mean you don't get a job. That doesn't mean you don't keep your apartment. We're just talking about⁠—without a sense of what your values are, without a sense of self-possession, you're likely to continue this pattern, which is fine for you to have done in your 20s, but you will be very burned out if you are still doing it by the time you hit 40. Right?

Coco Baby:         Yeah. Right.

Jessica:            You don't want this forever because it's not sustainable and because we do live in these meat suits, and we do live in this material reality. And you are Capricorn. And so, if you don't build something outside of you, too⁠—and that something might just be like, "Look. This is functional, and it allows me to do what I really want to do." It doesn't have to be a career. It can just be like, "I have set it so I can forget it and I can focus on what I really want to do." There's not one way you have to do a thing.

                        But here's the thing. In order to do that, it's important to acknowledge that that feeling of entropy that you experience⁠—it's like a soul feeling. It's like a deep soul feeling, and it's not exclusive to the world. It's connected to the world. And so it's part of you. And so there's no plan and there's no self-care program that's going to absolve you of it.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is hitting, for sure. I literally was just in a whole coaching program over the summer. It cost me a good amount.

Jessica:            I bet. I bet.

Coco Baby:     When going into it, I didn't realize I had an unconscious expectation towards it. And that unconscious expectation towards it was answers, like to get closer to me, which⁠—it wasn't in that thing. None of it is ever in those things.

Jessica:            It's not.

Coco Baby:     And it's one of those things that I'm just⁠—like, I'm just now realizing type of visceral feeling inside. And yeah, that's been kind of my whole mission this year, is figuring out my values. So the fact that you're saying all of this is⁠—it's really spot-on right now.

Jessica:            Excellent. Also, I'll say two things to that. One is leaving space for misery, for entropy, is, in my very Capricorn worldview, leaving space for reality because every light casts a shadow. Every light casts a shadow. And being able to spend time in shadow, in shadow work and whatever you want to call it⁠—that, my Pluto conjunction to the Ascendent in Scorpio friend, is what we call maturity and depth.

                        And it's not that way for everyone. Somebody can have a lot of fire and water in their chart, and maturity and depth is going to look different for them than it does for you. But this is what it looks like for you. It's not being freed of your pain. It's finding ways of functioning healthily when you experience it and when you don't, instead of needing your life to radically change when the pain comes in.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And the other thing is, are you telling me you became licensed to be a coach?

Coco Baby:     No.

Jessica:            So you were getting coached. You were working with a coach.

Coco Baby:     Right.

Jessica:            You weren't being trained on becoming a coach.

Coco Baby:     No, no, no, no, no. I'm a massage therapist.

Jessica:            Great.

Coco Baby:     And so I am just kind of digging my feet into other realms because I've been doing this for 13 years. So I'm ready to change. You know what I mean? So I've just been looking into other things, and it was an Ayurveda type of class. And I was getting a lot of great information, a lot of amazing, helpful information and tools that I'm not only still using but will probably continue to use for the rest of my life. But it's the falling into things again that are like answers for me, like the answer, the end-all, be-all, if you will.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I see what you mean. Okay. So let's talk about your little mini-stellium in Aquarius, the fixed air sign. So not only are you a Capricorn⁠—and Capricorn wants an answer because it's functional. "I want there to be a path, and then if you tell me where the path is, I'll just walk on the path. If you tell me I need running shoes, I'll put running shoes on. What? Just tell me what kind of shoes I need." Right? It's just⁠—you know. I mean, come on.

                        But then you got all this fucking Aquarius in you, fixed air. It's not just that Capricorn, "There's a right way, and there's the wrong way." It's that, "I can figure it out. If I figure it out⁠"—right? "Because I'm smart. I can use all kinds of ways." You're not monogamous to one way of finding a thing out. You can figure it out. Then you stop yourself from failing, you stop yourself from suffering, and you can help other people.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So now we have a reason to find the perfect answer. And by the way, any answer that's not perfect is a pure failure. Right? And now we have inadequacy.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Dude.

Jessica:            Okay. Now, let's add one more data point to that. Pluto is opposite your Mercury. So, for the last little chunk of time, while Pluto has been opposite your Mercury, you have been dealing with more intense and ruminating thoughts than is your normal.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Your predictions have been intensifying.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Your experience of other people has either been dramatic or unsatisfying.

Coco Baby:     Both.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So, unfortunately, Pluto opposite Mercury⁠, what it does is it⁠—okay. So opposition transits are experienced through other people, with other people. Sometimes it's like us and them, but often, it's me and you. Right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And so either you're having a deep, profound, transformative interaction, or yeah, you can just feel like there's a power struggle here, like, "Why can't you just let me be?" Or they feel like, "Why are you trying to change me?"

Coco Baby:     Oh man. Yeah.

Jessica:            Astrology's so cool.

Coco Baby:     It is, dude.

Jessica:            It is. It is. It is. It is. But I didn't write down the end date, so let me actually just quickly look this up for you because if I were you, I would want to know when this shit was over. Hold on.

Coco Baby:     Oh yeah.

Jessica:            You do, right? Because⁠—

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Of course you do, because it sucks.

Coco Baby:     I'm trying to connect, like⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     ⁠—trying to have that.

Jessica:            Okay. It will be over December 2026. Could be better.

Coco Baby:     [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Could be worse. Could be better. But here's the thing. It's supposed to be this. It's supposed to be this. This is a time for you to transform. That's what Pluto comes for. It comes for the transformation of your attitudes, your beliefs, your friendships, your plans⁠—Mercury, Mercury, Mercury. Right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And so, probably, I'm going to discourage you from burning it all to the ground and leaving it behind. That doesn't mean you renew your lease, okay?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Let's get there in a second. I do want to speak for a moment to your addictions and to ask, in terms of the weed, how long has weed been in the realm of addiction? Not how long have you been smoking, but how long has it felt like an addiction?

Coco Baby:     See, this is the thing because I'll go like six months, a year, even, without it. And then I'll be right back on it. I very much do the whole flippy-floppy. But because I continuously go back, I consider that an addiction.

Jessica:            Yeah. That makes sense. And how long has this round of addiction been activated?

Coco Baby:     Yeah. I quit from March till about the end of July. [crosstalk]⁠—

Jessica:            Okay. So it's⁠—you're back on⁠—okay. And I'm assuming you smoke alone, primarily.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            Do you smoke? Do you eat? What do you do, just so I'm using the right word?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Smoke?

Coco Baby:     Oh, yeah, yeah. I smoke.

Jessica:            Okay.

Coco Baby:     I'm not going to lie. I make it into a very ritualistic thing [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Of course.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            You're a Capricorn, so many planets in Capricorn. The rolling of a joint would be like part of the addiction. It's not just the smoking.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. It is⁠—yep.

Jessica:            Do you smoke with tobacco?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay.

Coco Baby:     Well, not in it, but with⁠—I roll a blunt. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that in it? How is that not in it?

Coco Baby:     Yeah. No, you're right. It is a⁠—

Jessica:            It is a⁠—yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     It is a blunt.

Jessica:            It is a blunt. Okay. So let me tell you why I asked that, because Aquarius governs stimulants. So tobacco is a stimulant.

Coco Baby:     Wow.

Jessica:            I know. Astrology's fascinating. It's amazing. So the ritual for you is deep, right? All that Capricorn, Saturn conjunction to your Sun. But also, the tobacco is a huge part of the addiction piece, not only because tobacco is very fucking addictive⁠—right?

Coco Baby:     Right. Right.

Jessica:            But it's also a stimulant. So it gives you this fucking⁠—this feeling. And my guess is if we took your tobacco out of your weed habit, your enjoyment would go down 50 percent. Just your enjoyment.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. I don't know that you would smoke it for the vibes. You're smoking it for the smoke.

Coco Baby:     Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so that is part of it. I mean, you were smoking it for the disconnection from your head is really what you're smoking it for.

Coco Baby:     Really, really.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Really, really. So here's what I'll say to that. Eventually, it's probably in your best interest to be able to relax without a facilitator, right?

Coco Baby:     Agreed.

Jessica:            Yeah. And one thing you can practice is, in this phase where you're smoking⁠—say if you wake up, you like a wake and bake⁠—you like to wake up and smoke right away. See if you can wait 20 minutes. See if you can wait an hour. It's called titrating, right? To practice experiencing the emotions that you're trying to squash, because that's what's happening. In the periods where you're needing to smoke, it's because you're feeling feelings you don't know how to process. Right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So you can practice that. You can also practice less tobacco and see how much less you like it because you're getting a lot out of the tobacco. And betwixt you and I, there's no fucking point in smoking a joint without tobacco. But that's just me.

Coco Baby:     And a coffee. That's what's even worse. When you say stimulant⁠—

Jessica:            I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     ⁠—I'm like, "Oh man. That's like my favorite."

Jessica:            That's fucking coffee. Yeah. Oh my God. Coffee and a joint? Please. I wish I was in my 20s and I could do that again. Yes. It is real. And not that one can only do that in their 20s. You can do that at any age. I can't, but people can.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Here's the thing. Every action has its consequence.

Coco Baby:     It does.

Jessica:            It does. That's it. You know? And the way that you're wired, when you decide that you don't want the consequence, you just stop. When you decide that there's no point and, "Everything's useless, and since there's no fucking point, I might as well do whatever I want because⁠—whatever. Everything's terrible anyways," then you're back on.

Coco Baby:     That is literally why I feel I go back and forth, because I know how to quit. I just gotta⁠—

Jessica:            You have to want to.

Coco Baby:     I have to want to. Right.

Jessica:            You have to want to. You have to have a consistent belief in what the point of life is and what the point of your life is.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And without that, it's hard to sustain your motivation for anything. And so something like massaging enough people so that you can pay your bills⁠—okay. Your motivation is consistent there. It's consistent because you don't want to be homeless, and you do want to eat. You want to buy weed⁠—whatever. But I want to say that I'm not going to tell you what to do with this or what you "should," quote unquote, do with this.

                        I am going to say you work on the values piece, and then the other pieces start to fall in place. And in regards to porn, social media⁠—you're soothing emotions that you don't know how to soothe otherwise. And it's keeping you stuck in the exact position that you're in that makes you want to soothe those emotions. You're in this perfect⁠—what is it⁠—snake-eating-its-tail problem. And you're not going to change that problem with judgment of the behaviors. And that's your go-to move, I'm guessing.

Coco Baby:     Like⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Coco Baby:     ⁠—I feel like, right now, that's my block. That's my block, 100 percent.

Jessica:            It's the moralistic judgments of Pluto and Saturn. Those moralistic judgments are good for very short-term adjustments to your behavior. Shame motivates, but nobody can sustain the motivations of shame because they're fucking terrible motivations. That carceral kind of mindset is outside of your values, to be honest.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            It is. And I want to give you the word "carceral," and I want you to use it a lot on yourself because when you find yourself literally policing⁠—Mars⁠—your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own behaviors, well, that's called interjected perpetrator. You've taken fucking systemic perpetration, perpetrator of the world, and you've taken it on inside of yourself, and now you're doing it to yourself. You don't need that. And that structural motivation will actually⁠—I think you can sustain that motivation, that structural motivation. That said, it's not going to work all the time because you're a person with feelings, because you're a song; you're not code. So okay. So pull back now.

The addictions are telling you in part that you crave people and intimacy because other than the weed, those other two addictions are about closeness with people. But they're perfect because they're at a fucking distance, people who you can turn off the phone, and when you pick it back up and they're there exactly where you left them⁠—right? Yeah. You're welcome. Sorry. You're welcome.

Coco Baby:         Yeah.

Jessica:            So you have not been ready to let people in at the depth that you want people in. And so you're turning to these tools because it's safe and it's contained and controlled. It's also not making you happy. Okay. No judgments. Literally no judgments. It's just data. These are data points. Now we can label some of the cubbies in your wall-to-floor IKEA set. We can be like, "Oh, this is a coping behavior for wanting closeness that I don't have the boundaries yet to actually be in in a healthy way."

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So the next time the impulse to scroll through whichever⁠—right? You may take a minute to actually feel your feelings. Again, put off the impulse for a few minutes or an hour, whatever you can tolerate. And then you might also reach out to a person, a human person, and be like, "Hey. What's up? I"⁠—whatever. It can be something stupid, like, "I saw this fucking TikTok and I thought of you." It can be something deeper, like, "I have been thinking about what's happening in this part of the world, and I'm in my feelings about it. Are you also thinking about it? Do you want to talk about it?" Sometimes it's easier to talk about external things instead of internal things for you, right? Does that feel correct?

Coco Baby:     Actually, quite opposite.

Jessica:            The flip?

Coco Baby:     The big flip, like big, big blip. My closest friends⁠—they know I call them, and it's like we gotta set aside about two to three hours, and the same vice versa. It's a tribe thing. We've all built up this intimacy because I'm going to be real; I know I have this issue with emotions and letting people in and being vulnerable. So what I purposely try to do is I try to embody vulnerability and transparency.

Jessica:            I see what you're doing. With everyone? With everyone?

Coco Baby:     With everyone. Literally, I have to⁠—

Jessica:            I see. I see.

Coco Baby:     ⁠—because if I don't, then I will close off, and I don't want that.

Jessica:            Okay. So what you're saying is true. And also, Pluto conjunct the Ascendant⁠—"I'm vulnerable, so I must rip off all my skin and stand out on the streets and ask anyone if they'll hug me." Okay. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't have to be that extreme—

Coco Baby:     For sure.

Jessica:            ⁠⁠—in order for it—because what you're doing is you're setting yourself up to either do it to confront all of your vulnerabilities and show all the way up and still be safe and not be in your compulsions or your activations⁠—right? You're setting yourself up, in a way, to feel bad because even if you are talking to a relatively new friend and you're just being raw and open, and they really like you and you really like them, and they really want to get to know you, if you are that raw and open, what will happen is they will do something wrong and you will shut down.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. That's happened. That's happened.

Jessica:            Yeah, I bet a bunch⁠—

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            ⁠—because on a scale from one to ten, there are ten digits. And you, sir, do not need to be a ten in order to not be a zero. You could at any time be a five, a three, a nine. I mean, there's a lot of options in there. And so what I want to encourage you to do is, first, if you are clear that cultivating healthy intimacies are a value of yours⁠—something you value and you want to cultivate⁠—then I want to give you the advice of determining different⁠—you know the Venn diagram? There's your besties. You called them your tribe.

Coco Baby:     Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So those are the people. There's room for more people to come in, but that's not really what you're looking for in this exact moment, right? You got your people there.

Coco Baby:     I do. Yeah.

Jessica:            So then there's people you date. There's people you are friends with. There's people you're pals with. There's people that are more activity friends; you're like, "This is a person that enjoys the things I enjoy, but I don't really want to talk about the deepest shit with them."

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And then there's people you actually could talk about deep shit with, but you don't have as much in common. Right?

Coco Baby:     Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. So you see I made all those circles. And in each of those circles, I'm going to give you the homework, so first of all, to get out a big-ass piece of paper and draw the circles and different kinds of people. And then you can practice thinking, "Okay. Well, who would I put"⁠—come up with a name for each of them so it's easier, like a color for each of them, so you can be like, "Okay. Is this person in the blue and the green? Is this person in only one circle? Is this person in multiple circles?"

Coco Baby:     Right.

Jessica:            So that's one organizational tool for your cubbyholes. And then here's another one for you, which is there's certain levels of personal intimacy that are appropriate for the person that you think you can have deep conversations with, but you don't have that much in common. And those are really different than the person who you're just like, "I see this person all the time, and we're pals. I want to chat with them. I enjoy it. But it's not that deep. But I really need this⁠—I crave this connection." Right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Those people you should be sharing radically different things with⁠—

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            ⁠—because intimacy is developed and trust is earned, and also because part of⁠—this is a little challenging for me. It's also kind of funny for me because I have the same problem with a lot of Aquarius, Capricorn, and Pluto. So I got the same fucking set of problems here.

Coco Baby:     Kind of funny.

Jessica:            Yeah. It is. So fun. So fun. So funny. Okay. So coming to people with all of you, because you don't want to isolate people and shut them down and shut them out, means you are coming to people with all of you⁠—your trauma, your triggers, your passions, your insecurities⁠—all of you. And very few people deserve that.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Not just because they're good or bad. Okay. You're a masseuse. So you do not put someone on the table and go straight for their most vulnerable part. You open up the body. You work around the most vulnerable part. And then, eventually, you get in there.

Coco Baby:     Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Right? That's the move.

Coco Baby:     Yep. Yeah.

Jessica:            Same thing with intimacy, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            If you show up and you're just like, "Here it is. Here I am. Here you are. Let's go," most people, even if they're down and they want that, can't do it. You can't do it, because even when you do it and it's working, something has to go wrong. They do it wrong, and then you shut them out. Right?

Coco Baby:     And then I shut them⁠—yeah. Yeah. That's valid. Yeah.

Jessica:            Because it's too intense of a goal.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And this is actually good news because you have this whole fucking "I have to go in at 100 percent" thing because you don't know what the fuck you're doing, and you're trying to do the right thing. Did I say it rude? I didn't mean it rude.

Coco Baby:     I love it because⁠—girl, I love the directness. Come on, now. I need it. You know what's so funny is I told my friends⁠—because we all listen to you. And I was like, "I'm going to get a reading." And they're like, "Bitch, she's going to drag you."

Jessica:            You're welcome. Sorry. You're welcome. It goes over a lot better in readings than it does in friendship conversations, for the record.

Coco Baby:     Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Do you know what I'm saying? So this is where, when you said coaching, I was like, "Oh, that's great for you. You would be a great coach."

Coco Baby:     That was one of my extra questions I was actually going to ask you.

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, you don't have to, because I'm telling you. It would be great for you.

Coco Baby:     Okay.

Jessica:            And there are so many different ways a person can be a coach. You can go social worker, shrink. You can go life coach, spiritual coach. I don't know what the right way is. You don't need to know in this moment. But telling people what to do and having one-sides intimacies is right up your fucking alley. Right?

Coco Baby:     Oh my God. Yeah.

Jessica:            And it can include body work but not be all about body work. And it's something you can kind of age into where you transition out of full-time body work, so that's not as rough on your body⁠—because you're still young, but realistically⁠—and so⁠—

Coco Baby:     Time's a-creeping. Yeah.

Jessica:            Time's creeping. And also, there's something really powerful about listening to other people and adapting your thinking to help them to find new ways of being effective with who they are that will help you to have a more tolerant attitude towards others and yourself. Yeah.

Coco Baby:     I'm receiving that.

Jessica:            Yeah. The ways in which you can be intolerant are sometimes just⁠—I mean, you're not even thinking twice. You're just like, "No. Wrong." You're welcome. But other times, your intolerance really just comes from, "That's not how⁠—I don't⁠—doesn't make sense. What? Wait. What?" And then you get wrapped up in your own judgments towards yourself, your own shit, all the other times it's happened in the past.

                        And so the intolerance is really not about intolerance. It's about insecurity. It's about just not having a varied enough tool kit, really. And again, this is like having so many conjunctions in your birth chart issue is that you have as many tools as everyone else, but you just haven't learned how to use a hammer to murder someone, to pull out a nail. Hammers can do so many things, right? You just haven't figured out that you could use that tool in lots of ways. I used a very weird metaphor, but⁠—

Coco Baby:     No, but it's perfect because it's true.

Jessica:            Okay. Thank you. Okay. So this issue of inadequacy is not what I focused on even though it's what you framed your question around. So I want to just leave space⁠—do you have any questions about that, anything you want me to point towards around that?

Coco Baby:     It's really like⁠—the reason why I have such a hard time making decisions, especially between the wanting to stand on business but also be free and fluid and flexible and adaptable and all of that⁠—but I feel like I'm coming to realize inadequacy is just a big root of my addictions. And one of the main questions I really wanted to ask is am I crazy for wanting to go on this quest of dropping everything?

Jessica:            What's the quest? What's the quest?

Coco Baby:     All right.

Jessica:            Be a Capricorn about it. Give me material details.

Coco Baby:     All right. So I'm, first and foremost, going on a trip by myself for the first time ever in my life to Utah. And I read⁠—

Jessica:            Of all the places.

Coco Baby:     Of all the places. But I think that's exactly why I want to go, is because I need a switch-up of environment. Again, I've been working, working, working, working, working and just paying for my apartment, being alone, you know, just kind of reclusive type of deal. And there's a part of me that wants to come out, like come outside. And traveling to Utah⁠—that's definitely a quest to just see how I do on my own in somewhere completely foreign.

Jessica:            When you say outside, do you mean like you're going camping?

Coco Baby:     I'll be in a steel container with a whole window that's, quote unquote, "outside."

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. So you're going to be in a glamping scenario.

Coco Baby:     Glamping. Exactly. Yes.

Jessica:            Glamping. Okay. For how long?

Coco Baby:     For a week.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Great. But you don't have to let go of your apartment for that.

Coco Baby:     No, but I do want to see if I'll get some type of⁠—I don't know, some type of clarity upon what I want to do as far as detaching from these things and just coming up, like how you say, with a different way of living my life so I can enjoy these things. And I've just figured out a switch around, like still work my job and all of that, but⁠—

Jessica:            So what's the question part? Because you have a plan. You know where you're staying for a week.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            What's the question? Will it work? Will you have a magic bolt of insight? Is that the question?

Coco Baby:     I guess.

Jessica:            So, if that's the question⁠—which I'm not sold that it is, but if that's the question, you can't organize your life around winning the lottery. You know what I mean? Play, but don't make your life plans contingent upon it.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Listen. You have Jupiter at the top of your chart. It's not conjunct your Midheaven. It's the only thing in your tenth house, though. It's trine. It's trine to that Venus, that North Node, that Uranus, that Neptune, that Mars. Bolts of insight do come for you. You do win lottery tickets. You know what I mean? It's totally possible. Do I say, also, burn your life to the ground and let go of your apartment and pack up all your shit based on one week in a glamping scenario? No.

But I'm a fucking old lady Capricorn, and I'm not going to tell anybody to do that because that's bananas⁠—which doesn't mean it's wrong for you. But to me, it seems like an extreme swing from stability and consistency to "burn it all to the ground." It's a pattern, which, again⁠—you're so young that you haven't experienced the pattern enough times to confidently call it a pattern. Doesn't mean it's not a⁠—because I'm an astrologer, I'm going to call it a pattern.

And to that end, I say, hey, listen. If that's what you want to do, try it. You know what I mean?

Coco Baby:         Yeah.

Jessica:            But I wonder if you can give yourself the gift of that week without it costing your whole entire life, everything you've built.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            It's less of an addict move, but it's maybe a little bit easier. I'm curious about, can you give yourself wiggle room so that you can grow and develop instead of having these⁠—again, you're just looking for, "I worked the numbers, and the code says if I go to this place I've never been and I put myself in a vulnerable state, all things are going to come together, and then I'll have the answer."

Coco Baby:     That's⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            And that's not real. That's not a thing.

Coco Baby:     Right. So, really, what it comes down to is why am I always looking for these fucking answers?

Jessica:            That's a great question. Some of it is because you have the soul of a wanderer. Against your better judgment, there is a part of you that is spiritually constantly like, "What more is there? Where is the more? I know I can do anything. What do I want? What's the point?" So there's that Jupiter spiritualness. There's that Pluto conjunction to your Ascendant. It's very addicty. It's just like, "I want all of it, or I want none of it. I want perfect isolation. I want noise-canceling headphones and blackout curtains, or I want to be at a party with everyone."

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            That's Pluto on the Rise. It's extreme. And then you've got this chart full of conjunctions. And so it reinforces this, "Well, if this is what I'm being called to, then I should just go all in. I should just fucking commit."

Coco Baby:     Right.

Jessica:            And what I want to say is you could do that. It's not your only choice. You don't only have two choices. And whenever you tell yourself or you find your thinking fixated on one of two choices, you know you're in Plutonian mode because you always have a myriad of choices.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So we reached out to you to see if you wanted to get a reading. You could have said yes. You could have said no. You also could have said, "Yes, but another time would work better for me." There was a third option, right?

Coco Baby:     You're right. Yeah.

Jessica:            You could have said any number of things, really. You didn't only have to say yes and no. And I used that little example because it's so little. So something as big as your life⁠— there are so many possible pathways. Why force yourself to either this or that when you don't have to only have two choices? So I have to ask, when you date, do you date hes, shes, theys?

Coco Baby:     Usually she, but I have not been averse to he.

Jessica:            Okay.

Coco Baby:     And they.

Jessica:            For dating or for sex?

Coco Baby:     Both.

Jessica:            Okay. But have you been in a relationship?

Coco Baby:     With a man when I was younger, but that⁠—

Jessica:            Young like late teens?

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Mm-hmm. But mainly, it has not been relationships; it's been situationships?

Coco Baby:     Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            I see you. Okay. Okay. Let me just ask, do you prefer women or queerdos?

Coco Baby:     It's hard because it's like I love women, of course, but I also love queerdos. I love men. I love people.

Jessica:            Okay. You just love people and bodies and spirits and all the things.

Coco Baby:     Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Okay. Great. Okay. And this is an important detail for me. So I'm going to have you say your full name out loud again.

Coco Baby:     [redacted].

Jessica:            Okay. You don't need to be in a relationship. Let me be clear. You don't need that. You want it, though.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And you can have it for sure. For you, doing situationships, having sex with people that you don't necessarily respect or you don't necessarily feel safe with, is your safe place. You're very comfortable in that zone. Correct?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And it's because if you stand on a train track and you see a train coming at you, when the train hits you, you're like, "Yeah, I fucking knew it." And that's easier for you because, yeah, the train hurt, but you saw it coming. You knew it was going to hurt. So at least it didn't make you feel inadequate. At least it didn't make you feel insecure, like, "Why didn't I catch this?"

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            With vulnerability, real vulnerability, if you just get hit by some Cupid out of nowhere and you didn't see it coming, already you're demoralized. Even if it's a good thing, if you didn't see it coming, it just destabilizes you in this way that it puts you into inadequate thinking because you can't go into nihilistic thinking. And right now, you're operating out of this two-sided coin, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Because you're avoiding vulnerability. This is 100 percent because you're avoiding vulnerability.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So this is why it's worth it to practice feeling vulnerable and not grabbing your phone or not smoking or whatever, because you want that skill for the next time something nice and vulnerable comes your way. Right?

Coco Baby:     Right.

Jessica:            And the gender piece doesn't⁠—it doesn't matter.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            I mean, of course, it'll matter once you're dealing with somebody; you'll be like, "Oh, this kind of person." But it does not matter at all.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            For you, what matters is, when you let someone in at that level, you get needy. You hate neediness, so that's hard. But you get needy. You need a lot of reassurance, and you crave merging. But if somebody tries to merge with you, you're like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Take seven steps backwards. "What the fuck are you doing?" You're welcome.

Coco Baby:     That's funny.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. But that's not it. That's not it. So all you need to do is practice having boundaries instead of rules. You're good at rules. Seven steps back, turn left, go home. That's a rule. A boundary is, "I love spending large chunks of time with people. And then, honestly, I need to be alone for a few days because I go into vulnerability hangovers."

Coco Baby:     Yeah. For sure.

Jessica:            "And in a vulnerability hangover, if I talk to you, I'm going to be needy and weird. So I need a minute to cycle in and then out of my weirdness so I don't bring it to you." You can write that down, okay? You'll have it on recording. You can write that down.

Coco Baby:     That's good.

Jessica:            That is really important for you. And somebody who's comfortable giving you space is okay. Somebody who's not comfortable giving you space and refuses to give you space⁠—that's not okay.

Coco Baby:     I've been there, and we're done. Thank you very much.

Jessica:            Yes. Of course. Of course. But I want to hold space for the first thing I said, which is people are allowed to be uncomfortable with your boundaries. You're uncomfortable with everybody's boundaries. That's okay. You can be uncomfortable. And giving yourself the gift of saying⁠—being really clear about what you can and can't do and having empathy for people's emotional reactions to it without changing the boundary unless you've learned something and you've decided to change the boundary⁠—that's the work.

                        I think that for you, sex is not inherently the most vulnerable thing. But if you do catch feelings, sex becomes really vulnerable. It's annoying.

Coco Baby:     For many, many, many deep reasons. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. So you're really good at "hit it and quit it." You're really good at just getting in there, getting it done, and going home⁠—until you have vulnerability. And then, when the vulnerability catches up with you, then sex isn't easy anymore.

Coco Baby:     No.

Jessica:            Yeah. So you do the reverse of a lot of people who are just really slow to develop sexual intimacy. You're quick to develop sexual intimacy until there's emotional intimacy. And then you're like, "Well, maybe we should go back to just holding hands." You know?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's just who you are. Fuck it. Fuck it. You know what I mean? You don't have to try to be other people. You only have to be the healthiest version of who you are. You don't have to be a different version of who you are, just healthy. So healthy with that is knowing, "Oh, I'm starting to catch feelings for this person. They seem like they're trustworthy. We're getting to know each other. Now my instinct to merge is going to kick in. I'm going to start getting needy. That's not about this person. That's about me. So how do I navigate it? How can I be direct with them so they don't think I'm pulling away?" because when you pull away from people, you go dark. They can't tap your energy at all. You are gone.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's going to hurt a lot of people's feelings. And that's fair because you don't have people like that around you because you don't like that either.

Coco Baby:     Yeah. Yeah. The irony.

Jessica:            The irony. But that's okay. You don't need to date yourself. You don't need to be friends with yourself. You know what I mean? We have people who complement us. But it does mean when inevitably the person that you date has feelings about the fact that they can't access you at all when you guys aren't talking⁠—it's not just that you're not talking; it's that you're gone⁠—it's going to be important for you to allow them to have those feelings and to have empathy and to eventually develop the skill of using your phone and then just text people emojis. That's it. You know what I mean?

You don't have to use novellas. You don't have to call them, but to just be like, "Hey, listen. I'm going to text you emojis when I'm gone, just every once in a while text you emojis so you know that you're in my heart and I'm thinking about you. I need to be in me, but I just want you to know I'm not not thinking about you. I'm still loyal to you. I still care about you." Doing that small act will have a dramatic effect on anyone who's compatible with you. I'm guessing you do that with your closest friends.

Coco Baby:         I do.

Jessica:      Yeah? You do.

Coco Baby:         I do. And I love it. I love it so much because they get it, you know?

Jessica:      They get it. So you can date someone like that.

Coco Baby:         And I have. And what's crazy is she's part of the tribe. It's cool.

Jessica:            Right. Right. Right. That's one of the gayest things is one of your besties being your ex. That's it.

Coco Baby:         The gayest.

Jessica:            It's the gayest. I mean, I didn't want to point fingers, but we are who we are. So here's the thing. If you can give yourself the space to not always make sense, to not have an answer, and to be somebody who craves answers, somebody who is impatient, if you can give yourself the space to be in that soup, then you're more free. And you really, really, really want to be free.

A lot of the ways that you are not free are of your own design because you are a high-functioning, capable person. If you would ease up on yourself, you would have a lot more options. And easing up⁠—I mean, it's not a very helpful thing for me to say, in a way, because it's just like, well, if you could do that, you'd already be doing it.

Coco Baby:     I would.

Jessica:            But also, it's not complicated. It's just hard. You like to make it complicated. I'm saying it's just hard. It's not complicated. And within that, it's really about⁠—now we're coming back to the addiction piece⁠—practicing experiencing vulnerable emotions and having there be nothing you can do about it. Capricorn Moons⁠—we like to do something about it. There's nothing you can do about it. You just feel bad. That's all.

And you don't have to catastrophize those feelings. Feeling bad feels bad. There doesn't always have to be a reason. You feel bad because you feel bad sometimes. It's just you feel bad, and sometimes there's nothing to do, and so then your brain's like, "Well, if there's nothing to do, I should scroll. I should smoke. I should"⁠—whatever.

Coco Baby:         Right.

Jessica:            But if there's nothing to do about it, then⁠—I don't know⁠—what would you do if you were hanging out with someone you cared about and there was nothing to do about it? Would you smoke them up and distract them all the time, or would you be like, "Hey, let's do something nice?"

Coco Baby:     Yeah. We do a little meditation ritual.

Jessica:            Oh shit. Okay. So you do know what to do. Okay.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            So do that. Pretend that you're your friend, that you're your friend. Be a better friend. Right now, you're kind of a dick. You would never be friends with⁠—the person you are to you, you would never be friends with.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Your friends wouldn't be friends with that person because you only treat you like that. So, again, here's the good news. You already have the skills of being a good friend. You already know how to do it. It's just about practicing developing that skill for yourself. Some people don't know how to be friends to anyone, including themselves. You are not that person, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            You got all kinds of problems. That's not your problem. So, whenever you find yourself being like, "There's only two choices: I feel like shit, or I smoke," you can always say to yourself, "Oh, wait. What would I do for my friend?"

Coco Baby:     Mm-hmm. Oh.

Jessica:            I know. It's tender. It's tender. It's called being kind to yourself. I mean, I didn't want to lead with that, but yeah, it's just being kind to yourself. And what it does is it corrodes that nihilistic and inadequate coin that you work with, right?

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Because you're being kind to yourself. So the nihilistic feelings are still there. The inadequacy feelings are still there. But they're not the only feelings now.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            And so now you have a whole other avenue of possibility within yourself. And yeah, you might write a book about it eventually.

Coco Baby:     That's crazy.

Jessica:            Do you think about writing a book? Do you think about writing books?

Coco Baby:     I've been writing and journaling since I was literally 16, and I just have a whole crate of just books upon books upon books. And I've always said, "When I die, somebody's going to have a field day reading these."

Jessica:            You have an aspect in your chart that I've seen a lot of writers have. And you would like to write something that's instructional and that's constructive.

Coco Baby:     Yeah.

Jessica:            Do the work before you write the book. You know what I mean? Do the work before you write the book. That's all. You have time. You got time. You got time. You got lots of time. Just think how long your adult life has been so far, and it's barely been a decade.

Coco Baby:     I know.

Jessica:            You got lots of time. And with that time, you have a lot of options, like a lot of options. So did we do it?

Coco Baby:     I think we did.

Jessica:            I think we did it. I think we did it.

Coco Baby:     Thank you so much.

Jessica:            It is so my pleasure.